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Hey, Nana, do you remember the night I came to you like a gull with a broken wing? And how you took care of me, bringing me back to life after all that had happened? I don’t think there’s ever been a time quite like that one, a time where I’ve been so utterly overcome by sadness and love, joy and heartbreak. All I know is one thing: you taught me something about myself I’ll never be able to forget.
Hachi fell onto her knees the moment the two women made it into the apartment. I don’t want him. Those were the final words she was able to say before the sweet choir of her voice collapsed into sobs.
Nana could relate to that feeling all too well—being left behind by a man that meant more than your world. She poured in the strawberry glasses water for Hachi and leftover beer for herself. She glanced almost guiltily at the sight of her friend crumpled like a rose on the floor; but what could she say? What wise words did she of all people have to make it all right?
Hachi slowly raised her tearful face to Nana, smiling ever so faintly as she reached for the glass.
And staring into those wide, innocent eyes, Nana felt the breath catch in her throat; of course she wouldn’t have anything to say. They were the same.
“How are you feeling?” her voice came, and Hachi was reminded that she was alive.
“I-I’m… not fine. Oh, Nana.” Her frail hands gripped the half-empty glass. “Wh-What do I even do?”
Sad eyes grew sadder when Hachi started crying again. “Please, save your voice. You’ve wasted enough words—and tears—on that asshole.”
“H-He abandoned me, Nana!”
She grabbed the edge of the chair so she wouldn’t fall over. “I know, I know.” Her free hand tangled itself in Hachi’s damp locks. “Sleep with me tonight, okay?”
There was a pause in her sobs. “R-Really?”
“Of course. Us girls need to be there for each other at times like this.”
“Y-Yeah, you’re right.”
Truthfully, Hachi was glad she wasn’t staying in her room. The juxtaposition the cutesiness would have with her misery would only worsen things. Snuggled beneath Nana’s cold sheets, she breathed in the scent of her cigarettes like a man’s cologne. Beside her, Nana snuggled close to her, still without words. So Hachi spoke for her: “Thank you for taking care of me.”
“I wouldn’t ever leave you like that. No one with a heart would. Please, don’t thank me.”
Despite everything, the brunette smiled. “But you’re not just someone with a heart, Nana. You really do care about me. Sometimes, I feel like you love me more than Shoji ever did.” At the mention of his name, she felt herself almost start to cry again. Luckily, Nana turned over as if about to reply, so instead of images of her ex, she was overtaken by the siren’s enchanting eyes.
“I’ve been abandoned by people my entire life, Hachi. If I can give you any advice, it’d be to not chase the version you made of them. The version inside your heart. Because—trust me—sometimes it’s better just to bail. Or to accept being bailed on. For your sake, I pray you move on quickly.” She smiled faintly.
”Don’t be facetious,” Hachi said (facetiously). For a moment they stared at each other, but Hachi tore her eyes away to the moon. “I meant what I said. I’m never falling in love again. I’m never, ever, ever wasting my heart on a man.”
Nana sighed. “You need love, Hachi. What are you without it?”
Hachi sank deeper into the mattress. “I’m plenty. I love my friends just fine. I don’t need a boyfriend or anything like that.” As she continued, her tone mellowed out into a melancholic murmur. “To be honest, it feels like all I need is you.”
Nana gasped silently—more like the air was stolen from her lungs. “Nana…”
Her golden smile returned. “It’s true. These past months we’ve spent together have felt like a lifetime. It’s like I’ve known you my whole life, and the life before this one, and the one before that.” Her soft hand reached Nana’s porcelain cheek. “You’re like the boyfriend I’ve never had!”
“Haha,” Nana laughed, trying to mask how bewildered her words had made her. “Geez, Hachiko! You really are corny!”
”But it’s true!”
”Ah… You know, you wouldn’t be a bad boyfriend.” When she said that, she realized she’d been smiling.
“Hm.” The brunette closed her eyes and turned on her back, her throat tightening up. “Sometimes it feels like men and women can never be together, even though we were made to be. Men’s one desire is the one thing they can’t understand. And me? Forget me. I only want what I can’t have.”
Nana leaned forward. “What’s that?”
When the other woman opened her eyes again, they were filled with a wisdom that only came alive in her during her darkest hours. “I think I’d only truly be able to love a man that had the mind of a woman.”
Nana couldn’t remember when the confusion started. Maybe when Hachi apprehensively pressed her lips onto hers? But she knew that was bullshit. She knew all along that day they met on the train that she’d never be able to get rid of Nana Komatsu.
She wrapped her pale arms around this sunshine before her, pulled her close and said a million times in her head the words she was too afraid to say. Hachi’s touch was on her scalp, her face, her sharp collarbone, and Nana truly believed she could have died there; her touches were so pure, so awestruck and careful, like each fingerstroke was a song just for her. No man had ever touched her like that, not even Ren. Ren. Ren, Ren, Ren. She opened her milky eyes to stare at Hachi’s red face. When was she able to think of him so easily? Why was it that here, confessing to herself what she’d kept within her all this time, was she able to think about him like it was all just a bad dream? Not just him—her entire loveless life cascaded over her and yet in Hachi’s arms, it wasn’t real. It was so far away. Hachi was all there was and all she needed. It’s funny how sure she was of it all now.
Hachi, however, felt like she was only bordering lucidity. All the accidental touches, the lingering looks, the knowing smiles; every last moment her and Nana spent together was always more than just two women understand each other. It was two women seeing each other. To be seen. That’s what she’d needed all along. Not to be treated like a child or a puppy—and certainly not like an entirely grown and independent woman. Hachi needed to be herself, and herself only. Heart and soul, hand up. Nana knew her through and through, and as she pushed herself to live the astral romance of their second kiss, she felt her own lips pressing back. The only person who could love as she loved—her mirror.
Dozing in the other’s arms, Nana and Hachi knew they could easily brush this off as a time of desperate need for comfort. But like how the moon must disappear for it to be full, the girls knew right then and there that their time for hiding had gone.
“I love you, Nana,” Hachi whispered against her warm skin.
Nana barely opened her eyes, watching Hachi’s smile fade as sleep took her. When she was sure it was only her and the moon left awake, she whispered, “I love you too.”