Chapter Text
Her lips curled upwards unconsciously as she read the little note by the throttle. She secretly wished for him to come forward, to tell her what he wants, to show her who he is, to propose. Maybe he was nervous of what she might say, or he just needs a bit more time, by all means he wasn’t ready. She liked the small and subtle elements about him, a tangerine left on her desk after a long day, the small goodnight notes, the candies hidden in her uniform pockets and more. Though she enjoyed pushing him further and further with the lack of response, at the same time giving him small smiles from time to time just to see him quickly turn away nervously. It was fun, owning a guy like him with nothing but a smile, and he was getting more and more confident around her, the day of proposal was getting closer.
Until someone else came along.
When the big face palm moment smashed right into her heart she almost gasped out loud in the middle of a conversation with the Folgers at dinner. She stared at Lilah, her chain of thoughts was broken apart abruptly by the realization in her head. It’s been 5 years since everything she ever had was frozen into the past, Ben and the train were her only possessions. She was a person in power, a leader, a steward to the last of humanity. No intimacy with anyone, no close relationships other than the people that’s above the lie.
But Ruth was the exception. They could have midnight hospitality room chats after a long day’s work, joke about firsties and their sassy attitudes, maybe even enjoy a serving of gin. Occasionally she would find small notes left by the microphone from the previous shift, and when she checked the schedule logs it’s always Ruth that had the shift before her. Could it possibly be?
“Melanie, are you listening to me? Mr. Wilford needs to consider having an age requirement for the bowling alley. Kids tend to ruin the moment.”
Quickly collecting herself and her mindset, she tried to envision that plan being executed. Before she could elaborate on how angry Mr. Lam and Martin might be, a tug on her arm from the person standing beside her paused her heartbeat for a moment. She looked to her left, just to rediscover Ruth giving her a concerned glance before carrying on the conversation.
“I’m sure we’ll figure out a way, a schedule, perhaps. It’s a long day for us all, enjoy your dinner Lilah.”
Melanie retreated to the serving table with Ruth ahead of her in silence. Observing her colleague’s posture, every strand of her silky blonde hair tied up in a hair clip, the edgy teal uniform just adds onto the elegant frame of her’s. She had joked with herself with these compliments coming from Ben, how incredibly dashing she must’ve looked in his eyes. Now they’re real, they’re coming right from her heart and they’re all directed to one person.
“Melanie, you’re staring.” Ruth’s small but excited smile shifted her back to reality. The faint tint of red on her cheeks felt like a bunch of butterflies just took off inside her, the electrifying emotions flowing through her was something she hadn’t experienced in a long time.
She’s got a crush.
“Mel seriously, is my make up falling off? There are people watching.” Her voice was like a series of musical notes straight to her heart, leaving her even more dazzled than before. Melanie was sure her face was also red like amber from the heat radiating off of her face, quickly breaking away her gaze with moderate embarrassment. Neither of them said anything, just standing in a comfortably awkward silence.
She couldn’t help but ponder the encounter all night sitting at the helm. Multiple times her rational brain had denied her heart, but it only fed the spark inside her. Perhaps she could fix the broken pieces this time, she could have someone to share her love that she finally found, she won’t lose that passionate feeling ever again. Unsettled by the conclusion her rational mind ended up giving her, she decided to pay a visit to the hospitality booth.
“Melanie. It’s late. Everything alright?”
Ruth stood up from her chair upon her entrance, a bit surprised from the unexpected visit. Melanie closed the door behind her, completely forgot what she came here to do in the first place. The pause of silence set off uneasy feelings in both of them. Ruth looked at her with an expectant gaze, and Melanie just decided to get straight to the point.
“At dinner, I don’t know I- Uh, what happened?”
She almost wanted to pinch herself at her laggy speech, even more when Ruth avoided her eyes as she finished. Both of them knew what she was talking about or, suggesting, but neither of them knew what to do or what to say. Melanie had washed off her makeup, leaving herself exposed with the apple red on her cheeks.
“I mean, you seemed dazzled. At me.”
The way Ruth spoke gave her confidence. Her tone was excited and adventurous, seems to be pushing Melanie into giving her a solid fact. She seemed to accept the way Melanie is, and even admire her collected dynamic.
“I- Yeah. At you.”
“Is something happening here, Melanie?”
She walked further into the room, closer to her. The crisp of passion and love flowed through her, blocking her usually dominating rationale. Eager for her, both of them cupped each other’s face and met lips. This was one of the rare moments where Melanie could forget about the rolling steel tube they’re in, about the white horrors right outside, and the audacious lie she struggled to keep at bay to everyone left in this world. For once on this train, she was fulfilled and whole. Memories of love came back, the familiar satisfaction of another finally gave her a bit of warmth in this frozen world.
She loved Ruth, and she loved her back.
“You’ve been coming back exceptionally late for two weeks Mel, what’s going on?”
Of course Ben noticed the unusual pattern. She’s been brushing off him for a while now, everytime he asked about her longer than usual day she just replied with one or two sentences. Though she wasn’t aware of the worry on his face after she finished off their short talk, her mind was in the far lands of love with only one other, Ruth.
“Just a long day, you know. Nothing to be worried about.”
Before she could sit down at the helm with her dinner from Jinju, Ben grabbed her arm. The unsureness between his brows were finally seen by her, pulling her fully back into reality. If he had been suspecting something the past two weeks he would’ve asked her by now, and Melanie knew him well enough to see through. There was obviously more than worry, but she was sure it wasn’t anything negative or close to knowing what she had been up to the past nights.
“I know, Mel. I just want you to know that…I’m always here if you need anything.”
As he leaves, she stared at his back until he turned for the stairs. She had forgotten the amount of love Ben had in her, she had forgotten about the little notes in cupboards, the candies in her pockets, the occasional stares from him were thrown to the back of her head every time she encounters. Ruth’s love was almost unlimited, the two of them had been hanging out whenever possible. She craved for her at nights, when she was doing paperwork in her cabin, even when she was trying to settle an argument about croissants in first class dining she longed for Ruth to be by her side.
She saw the small bit of loneliness in his eyes at the very end as he turned away from her. Her love and attention had been spent all on Ruth, the past two weeks had been the highlight of her life after the train. Though now Ben had finally made himself present again, guilt was starting to soak into her heart. They once shared this passionate love just like her and Ruth, but the train rolls right on top of their sacrifices, without them nothing would be alive. Perhaps they were doomed from the start, ever since they set eyes on one another they were doomed to fall.
But Ruth was different. Ruth was a fresh start, the one relationship she didn’t have to make blood sacrifices to survive. Anything on the train will be leaked and spread, there were already tracktalk about them two getting together. People see things that you don’t think is shown in public, and once someone gets wind of it the entire world will know.
Literally.
The Nightcar was quiet, none other than Miss Audrey still present cleaning glasses. As soon as she stepped into the room, Audrey instantly locked eyes on her. The way she was so focused on her made her reconsider whether she should still get a drink from here before visiting Ruth in her cabin. Perhaps she could get a bottle of whatever and they could share for the night? Ben can survive at the helm for a day and night, plus he’ll just get Javi if he couldn’t keep awake any further. Audrey tapped the table in front of her, grabbing her attention from wandering around with a dreamy face.
“We’re closed, but we can make an exception for you. Only if you have a little chat with me.”
She didn’t like her tone and her expression, but a chat can’t hurt. Audrey passed her a glass of gin, then proceeded to look at her with her chin in her hand. Melanie raised an eyebrow at her, taking in the citric bitterness from the drink.
“What are you scheming, Audrey? Planning to bribe me once I’m drunk?”
A smirk was given to her, but something else was present. Melanie sensed the complexity in her, the unusual lack of words always indicated something was up. Audrey picked up the stick holding the olive, and waved it in the air in front of Melanie, her smirk widening.
“There’s been a lot of tracktalk about you and Ruth lately.”
The way Melanie tensed up already gave it away. Tracktalk was usually thirty percent fantasy and seventy percent truth, the fantasy part was easy to pick out since in this case it would be ‘Melanie was banging Ruth on a first class dining table’.
“You know, everyone on this train knows about you two now. No need to hide.”
Melanie didn’t even care to finish her drink anymore, she should’ve known. Ruth needs to be told of this news from her, and her alone before anyone else gets to her. She was glad that no one basically roams the halls after midnight, so she could run to Ruth’s cabin instead of having to keep her calm. Just as she made the final turn in the hallway, she saw someone else walking down the hallway warily. They stopped abruptly when she came into view, staring at her. She approached him slowly and carefully, not to aggravate them or whatsoever.
Everyone knows.
“Ben, hear me out-”
“Where were you going just now?”
His tone wasn’t exactly pleasant, and she looked at the floor almost immediately. A small sigh escaped her lips as she looked up at his face, as she looked deeper and deeper into his forced neutral mask, there wasn’t much to see. No fires of blame and hate, nor disappointment or annoyance, just sadness and confusion. She couldn’t hide behind a busy day’s excuse anymore.
“To the Engine. I’m late for my shift, I know.” So she came up with another excuse. He had known her for too long for this lame excuse to work.
“You would’ve taken the sub train instead of running through all of second. Enough lies, Mel. I want you to tell me what you’ve been up to this whole time. I think I should know.”
His voice low and tight, like he was restraining himself. Melanie felt the guilt creep in, the pained look Ben had on his face couldn’t be hidden by a mask, not to her. She knew there was no excuse for what she did to him, and there was no point making one.
“Ben, I think we should sit down and-”
“Mel, what are you doing out here in the middle of the night? Come in.”
A door opened not too far behind them, Ruth poking her head out into the hall while motioning Melanie to come in. When she shook her head at her with a pair of desperate eyes, she found Ben with his eyes fixed on her. Those eyes were hollow and dejected, like one’s soul has left their body. He shook his head slightly without breaking his gaze, pain written across his body as he hurried down the hall before Melanie could grab him.
Ruth stood watching him stagger out of view, utterly confused at whatever happened between those two. The way Ben’s eyes delved deep into her soul rattled her nonetheless, no one had the looks of him after a year since the train departed from the frozen horrors.
The night between the two of them was silent. Ruth held Melanie in her arms, the two holding hands loosely, but Melanie seemed distant from the moment she entered the room. Ruth doesn’t know about Ben and the complexities of it all, but Ben knows about Ruth now. He’s not going to take it nicely, she knows that. He was hurt deeply just like her, perhaps the cut was deep enough this time that it wasn’t going to heal at all. Once Ruth finds out the truth about her, about the imaginary man in the engine, about Ben…She knew it subconsciously, but was too afraid to admit it, to let go of the pleasures of love, to destroy the incredible spark between them, but they were doomed from the start. Like Ben, she just ends up breaking one person and then another after having the sweetest time on earth.
They were doomed from the start.