Work Text:
Water that overflowed was always troublesome. The very nature of the word ‘overflowed’ would imply as much on its own but it could never hurt to explore the concept further.
Many things could cause water to overflow.
Bubbling heat, excessive rain, melting ice or even a hurricane.
Hurricane’s had a lot that came with them, arguably they could have all of the above. Lightning could bring heat as well as heat being what had formed the hurricane in the first place, of course there was rain and hail was a very natural part of a hurricane. That was possibly what made the eye of the hurricane so… fascinating.
A commonly favorite part of watching storms is taking in that moment of calm, of quiet. The sweet silence as no animal dares to come out just yet can be truly… fascinating.
At least, it is fascinating when you are not the one in fear of what will come after or in regret of what came before.
Outbursts are like that.
Much like overflowing water, many things can lead to an outburst but the most common scapegoat is anger. It isn’t always anger, though. Like how a hurricane can be triggered by or can contain many of the things that cause water to overflow while not being the sole cause itself, not all outbursts are built of a single source of anger.
Frustration is not anger.
Frustration is passion. It is a passionate desire for an outcome that can not be achieved no matter how hard you try to get the thoughts and the feelings and Why do you not understand what I am saying to you?!
I only wanted to help you!
Why do you act as if I maliciously attacked you when I was trying to make sense of your perspective?!
Hurting others is not a measure of one's strength!
Grief is not anger.
Grief is love. It is a love for someone or something that has left you and that can never return despite how much you desperately wish to see them again so you can say that final apology and I miss you so much!
I only wanted to say goodbye!
Why do I let myself BLAME myself for your death every time I think of what happened?!
Why could I not save you?!
Anxiety is not anger.
Anxiety is fear. It is a fear for the future that you have tried to build up for so long coming crashing around you in a way that you will only have yourself to blame for and I’m sorry that I put you on the spot but I was so certain that you hated me!
I was terrified that I would once again lose the people I care about the most!
Why are you not telling me how to fix this?!
What do I have to do to keep things the way they are?!
Passion, love and fear are the most common sources of my outbursts.
On their own and felt by anybody else, they are not negative emotions, and my therapist has told me as much. My therapist has told me to be kinder to myself by accepting the positives of my overflowing water and I had been doing quite well with that.
My outburst to Pigsy, telling him to stop yelling and allow Monkey King to explain himself was born of anxiety. And anxiety is fear. What was I afraid of?
I saw the look on the Monkey King’s face.
I knew he had already come to terms with whatever mistakes he had made and I was afraid that if he was not permitted to speak his side as soon as possible, he would allow the others to continue to yell at him and he would fall into his own despair. Would that have happened? Who knows?
The point is not whether or not I think it could happen in hindsight and after knowing him for longer.
The point is that it is what I was fearful of seeing happen.
I contained that outburst quickly and I am proud of myself for it. Just as my therapist had said, the emotion that fueled that outburst was not negative and because of how quickly I had recovered from it, only positive things came out of it!
The Monkey King was able to explain himself and Pigsy, as well as MK, were able to move on from the entire situation.
I gave Mo an extra treat that night.
My outburst to Huntsman, activating my full powers and grabbing his fist in the process, was born of frustration. And frustration is passion. What was I passionate about?
My decision to stick to pacifism. My time in this life as a pacifist has brought me nothing but joy and healing and here this person whom I had never personally harmed in any way or shape was trying to tell me why it was wrong. Why the one good decision about my life that I was proud of and had only felt happy with was childish and silly and weak.
It is one thing that he beat me up and disagreed with me - I’m physically strong and can take a hit or two and plenty of my friends and the people I hold the closest to my heart do not agree with pacifism - but it was another thing entirely when he was wrong about my motives. When he misunderstood every principle and experience that had led to the decision to never get physical.
In the process of harming the sweet creatures of the forest, he called me weak . Not mentally - I will be the first to admit to that flaw - but physically. He claimed my letting others fight for me was out of that weakness.
I got so frustrated that he wouldn’t hear me out, that he didn’t seem to care that my story was one that led me here in the most logical way for me. The very story that flashed before my eyes in that moment and that pulled the trigger. So overcome with that frustration - with that passion - I had an outburst.
I pulled out of that one, but the following nights were rough. If I didn’t get a chance to explain why I felt pacifism was not weakness, would I have actually hurt him out of that frustration?
Mo deserved an extra treat every day that week.
The outburst I am most ashamed of is the one born from grief. And grief is love. Who did I love?
I love someone as a dear friend, a person I trusted. I loved them not in the ways of marriage and dates but in the ways of enjoying their company. In caring for them and knowing they cared for me. In feeling secure with them and in knowing they felt secure with me.
I lost them to a tragedy but it was a tragedy with a culprit.
So, in my love, in my grief, in my outburst… I called up my gang.
That outburst still haunts me and when I saw such a tiny, helpless and frightened kitten at the results of that outburst I made my vow to do better and to never give myself reason to regret my actions so strongly again.
I am making Mo an extra treat tonight.
I look outside and see a storm brewing but I smile because I know that I am safe within its eye. I may flirt with the edge of it from time to time and some water may spill, but I am no longer in the most dangerous parts of the hurricane.
My water will not overflow.