Work Text:
You sit in the comedy club, nervous for your first platonic date. What could you expect from this tall, dashingly handsome date who was an extra in Lord of the Rings? You twiddle your thumbs.
The lights around the stage dim.
“Introducing, the one, the only…STEVE WRIGLEY”.
Steve walks on stage and takes the mic. He clears his throat. A silence falls across the audience.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?"
The crowd around him murmurs, desperately trying to unmask the riddle this incredibly New Zealand man has laid out before them. A moment passes and Steve takes a deep breath before
saying:
“To get to the other side”
The audience explodes into a standing ovation, people whoop. They immediately pull out their phones and Tweet about how amazing thee Steve Wriggly is to see live. He trends on Twitter.
The president gives him a Noble Peace Prize. They give him an Emmy. Nature heals. World peace is established. (This all happens in like 30 seconds)
You find yourself immediately platonically swayed by his comedic stylings. He bows as people throw roses and $20 bills onto the stage, then steps off towards your table.
“You were amazing,” you remark. “Your comedy is going to change the world”.
“Thank you,” Steve remarks. “This is going so well. Would you like to come back to my place?”. You agree and you head off to his house.
When you arrive, he leads you upstairs. He opens the door to a dark room, with heavy, black curtains drawn over the windows. There’s a long table in the middle of the room, with straps, it’s wood dark as midnight. A few shadowy figures in cloaks sit around the table, their wrists shackled.
“Is…this a lewd dungeon?” you ask, suddenly alarmed.
“What?? No!!!” he exclaims. “This is my D&D Dungeon where I trap people forever so I can have a consistent campaign to host”.
“Wait what?”. Before you have a moment to register, Steve leads you into the room, towards the table.
“I think you’ll have a great time here,” he says as he chains your wrist to the table along with the others and slides a character sheet and the Player’s Handbook in front of you. “I’ll go find some
dice”. He dashes away to get his dice collection.
“Well I guess this isn’t the worst first date I’ve had,” you remark.
“He feeds us egg salad sandwiches when we’re bad,” one of them sobs.
“But other than that it’s pretty great!,” another chimes in. “We get ice cream when we’re good”.
“Do I at least get a matching robe?” you ask.
“Absolutely!,” Steve says as he enters the room again, wearing his own special deep red DM robe. He drops a black robe in front of you before sitting down at the head of the table in a chair
with “Best DM” carved into the head.
“Then I’m fine with being imprisoned to play D&D forever”, you say.
“Perfect!”, he cheers. “Then roll for initiative”.
Then you all played D&D forever. The end.