Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

First week

[Monday AM]

(09:37) Samu my fever is killing me

(09:38) Samu please I'm begging you, bring me some food

(09:39) Mom is making ramen. But I don't want mum’s ramen. 

(09:45) Don't ignore me

(09:57) Don't you dare

(09:58) Yo, big brother is watching you

(10:06) Asshole

(10:17) Samu I swear if I die I’ll reincarnate into an evil spirit and haunt you for the rest of your miserable existence

(10:18) You won't have a single customer at your future restaurant

(10:20) I NEED TO EAT ONIGIRI

(10:25) I wanna die

(10:28) Samu please come back home I miss you

(11:47) Oh, uhm, hello! I think you got the wrong number!

(11:52) ???

(11:53) Samu, if this is a joke, it's not even remotely funny

(11:53) I'm the king of jokes, you're the king of trash. You're disrespecting the traditional roles of our family

(11:54) I'll burn all your fucking cookbooks

(11:57) Please, don't. It's not very nice.

(11:57) And yes, as I said, I'm not ''Samu'', nor do I know anyone with that name.

(12:00) I can't believe this 

(12:00) He really is a cosmic piece of shit

(12:02) So, uh, sorry about that. Yesterday I bought a new phone, and apparently that dickhead gave me the wrong number on purpose

(12:05) dw, I figured. I hope you’ll get better soon!

[Monday PM]

(3:56) I took the medicine. My fever has come down almost completely. 

(4:02) Hi, wrong number again!

(4:05) Yeah, I know, I just wanted to keep you updated bc I'm goddamn bored

(4:07) Texting a stranger is a really weird way to fight boredom

(4:07) And it’s definitely not the smartest

(4:08) I mean, I could kidnap children as a job

(4:10) Fortunately, I’m not a child

(4:12) I could be a serial killer

(4:13) Are you? Cause I have a thing for serial killers

(4:14) I think I have to disappoint you. My real life is much less exciting.

(4:14) That's what any serial killer would say. 

(4:15) Haha. You’re funny!

(4:16) Well, DUH. My sense of humor is the best thing that ever happened to you, babe

(4:16) You just called babe a 16-year-old boy. 

(4:17) Yeah, I also called babe the eighty-seven-year-old lady who sells my father eggs. She’s adorable. And very rich. And she always compliments my hair. I would’ve fallen in love with her if she wasn't so much older than me.

(4:19) How old are you?

(4:20) Why should I tell you?

(4:20) Because I did!

(4:21) True, but I didn't ask you to.

(4:22) I'm starting to believe that the real serial killer might be you.

(4:24) I’m too handsome to be a serial killer. I could never work undercover. People notice me too easily. I catalyze their gazes with my immense beauty.

(4:25) The only thing that seems immense to me is your ego.

(4:25) That, too. 

(4:25) I'm seventeen, by the way. And I'm a boy. And after this weird introduction, I'm about to go to sleep, because my fever may be gone, but my head is splitting in two

(4:27) Get some rest!

[Tuesday PM]

(7:12) You know, I was thinking

(7:14) About me? Yeah, I know. You can't stop, can you? Nobody could. You're obsessed now, admit it. Everyone is. 

(7:15) Do you know what they say about self-centered people? That they’re actually very insecure.

(7:15) And you call this self-centered? You haven't seen anything yet, babe <3

(7:16) Oh god. I’m scared now.

(7:16) But honestly, I was thinking about who gave you the wrong number. I mean, who is Samu?

(7:18) Samu is my brother. He’s terrifically good at cooking, but he is a piece of shit.

(7:18) He left to take a cooking class in Osaka, you know.

(7:18) He brutally abandoned me. HE BETRAYED ME.

(7:19) He returns on Saturday. In exactly four days, seventeen hours, and twenty-seven minutes. I cannot be accurate with seconds.

(7:22) You miss him that much? How cute

(7:23) What? No. Absolutely not. You're making a mistake. You’ve never been so wrong in your whole life. I don't miss him at all. I am perfectly fine without him. I’m so grateful he’s gone. I found inner peace.

(7:23) I am very cute, though.

(7:24) But why did he give you the wrong number if he’s your brother?

(7:24) I mean, I kind of get him, but still…

(7:26) Because his sense of humor is awful. Just as yours. 

(7:26) He says he wants to get rid of me, but he’s a pathological liar.

(7:27) One day I told him I didn't love him and that I wished he had never been born. He ended up crying for two months.

(7:30) Oh god, you're the worst. I’d never say such a thing to my sister

(7:32) You have a sister?

(7:33) Yeah! She’s younger than me, but we’re very similar.

(7:36) ‘Samu and I are the same age. We’re twins, you know.

(7:40) Twins? That’s so cool! 

(7:40) Is it true that you can read each other's minds?

(7:45) Yeah, for example right now he’s thinking that

(7:45) Wait

(7:45) He’s insulting me!!!

(7:46) How dare he! That fucking bastard! 

(7:49) Why is he insulting you?  

(7:53) Idk. I'll ask him.

(7:55) Please, be gentle.

(7:55) Of course.

(7:56) Samu you motherfucker

(7:59) Oh Christ

(7:59) Please, no

(8:00) How on earth did you find my number

(8:01) Suna gave it to me

(8:02) That fucking traitor. We had a deal

(8:03) Why were you insulting me?

(8:05) I’m making okonomiyaki. Insulting you calms me down and brings me luck.

(8:06) Did you text me just for this? You know I constantly insult you. 

(8:08) I also wanted to thank you

(8:12) I’m not following.

(8:13) Apparently, the wrong number you gave me belongs to someone who…

(8:13) *drum rolls* 

(8:14) appreciates my company!

(8:14) So your plan failed, and I succeeded. As always. HAHA!!! 

(8:14) Goodbye, little brother. Have fun in Osaka. 

(8:20) Wait, what

(8:20) Please tell me that I misunderstood

(8:21) Tell me you didn’t start texting a stranger

(8:21) Tell me you're not THAT stupid, I’m begging you 

(8:22) You know, this would actually be an excellent time to tell me that I was adopted and that we don't share the same DNA.

(8:25) Unfortunately, we do.

(8:26) Tsumu

(8:26) Samu

(8:27) I'm gonna tell mum

(8:27) YOU WOULD NEVER.

(8:28) And relax, I didn't give him any personal information. He doesn't even know my name.

(8:30) But you want to tell him! I CAN FEEL IT! I can read your stupid mind too!

(8:30) You need real friends, Tsumu. 

(8:31) And a good therapist.

(8:45) Die. 

[Wednesday AM]

(9:11) Hey

(9:12) I just thought of a joke. But I'm sure no one could fully understand the genius behind it. Maybe just you.

(9:20) I'm incredibly honored. And scared, at this point. 

(9:21) Drum roll, please. 

(9:22) *Drum rolls*

(9:23) LOUDER. GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU GOT. 

(9:23) I AM ROLLING WITH ALL MY MIGHT

(9:24) Okay, this is getting weird. Give me silence now. So my voice will echo on the stage.

(9:24) *crickets chirping*

(9:25) I asked for silence, not desolation

(9:25) JUST GO

(9:26) Okay, so

(9:26) Why is Peter Pan always flying? 

(9:28) I don't know, why?

(9:28) BECAUSE

(9:28) HE NEVERLANDS. 

(9:37) Isn't that the most brilliant joke you've ever heard?

(9:45) You don't know what to say bc my talent has left you speechless, right?

(10:02) Please, I need compliments and reassurance

(11:47) Maybe you were right about narcissistic people

(12:55) Was it really that horrible? 

[Wednesday PM]

(13:43) I’ve discovered that, without any distractions, I’m almost able to understand second-degree equations

(13:44) I just got my phone back. 

(13:46) Long story short, I read your joke, burst out laughing in class, everyone heard me and my teacher confiscated it. 

(13:46) And I got detention.

(14:03) I forgot you were at school 

(14:06) Well yeah, I'm 16 years old, what am I supposed to do in the morning? 

(14:07) Idk. Killing people? Rescuing kittens from the street? Training to become a power ranger? Young people nowadays are crazy

(14:10) You're also in high school, right? I’m starting to doubt it.

(14:11) Yep, I'm in my second year. I've been home because of my fever. I'm going back to class tomorrow. My school will shine again blessed by my presence.

(14:12) So… you liked my joke? I mean, since you burst out laughing and all

(14:14) Oh yeah, it was brilliant!

(14:15) Don't you dare. 

(14:16) What the hell do you want? What have I done?

(14:17) I read your mind. You're disgustingly happy and you want to tell him what your name is and where you live

(14:17) Why don't you just invite him over for dinner while you're at it?

(14:18) Now THAT’S a good suggestion! I can't believe your brain works sometimes.

(14:20) Samu, he said he liked my joke. He said I am brilliant!

(14:21) One more reason to keep him away, Tsumu. Wake up. No one finds your jokes really amusing. You're as funny as a finger in the ass.

(14:22) If Akaashi Keiji's finger was in your ass, I think you’d find it quite exciting. 

(14:23) Oh god. You didn't say that. You didn't. 

(14:23) And yet. 

(14:24) Listen. It's evident that he's trying to trick you. Maybe he wants money. Perhaps he's trying to gather enough information bc he wants to blackmail you.

(14:30) Christ. You're always so positive. Light of my life. Maybe it’s better if we go back to Akaashi Keiji. He’s such a nice guy, isn’t he?

(14:30) DiE leave me ALONE 

[Thursday AM]

(10:12) This morning I told your joke to the team captain. He laughed, but I couldn't tell if he did it just out of pity.

(10:15) Team captain? Are you in some sports club?

(10:16) Yeah, didn't I tell you? I'm in the volleyball club!

(10:16) THAT’S CRAZY

(10:16) I’m in the volleyball club too! 

(10:18) WHAT? 

(10:20) I can't believe it. Maybe we're in the same school and don't know it. 

(10:21) My school's name starts with the letter K!

(10:22) Too bad, mine starts with an I. Maybe we met at nationals!

(10:25) No. Our team never made it to nationals.

(10:25) Oh, then you guys suck. 

(10:25) We manage to qualify every time. Mostly because of me.

(10:48) Did they confiscate your phone again?

(11:23) Did you find yourself a girlfriend?

(11:24) What the fuck, Suna. 

(11:25) I saw you using the phone earlier. And you don't have any friends other than me. 

(11:25) You are not my friend.

(11:26) Were you texting your mother?

(11:26) Maybe I was texting yours.

(11:26) *sexting

(11:27) You’re a little tense, aren’t you? Did you two have a fight?

(11:29) Who?

(11:29) You and your girlfriend.

(11:30) I don't have a girlfriend.

(11:31) You and your boyfriend.

(11:31) OH MY GOD SUNA SHUT UP, NOTHING HAPPENED!

(11: 33) Then why do you keep staring at your phone with the same expression as an abandoned dog? It’s obvious that you’re waiting for a message from someone. 

(11:33) A message that, sadly, doesn't come. 

(11:33) Have you just been dumped?

(11:39) How could anyone dump me? I mean, I’m handsome. And popular. And talented. I’m the future of our generation. One day I will save the world and kill god. I shine like the sun. And in fact I’m blinding you, I can see you squinting. 

(11:40) Embrace the light, Suna! Let yourself be overwhelmed by my glow!

(11:42) You really need a therapist. But a fucking good one.

(11:43) No, I need your art history notes for the written test. Bc otherwise I’m doomed.

(11:43) What do you give me in return? 

(11:44) I'll tell you who my brother likes. 

(11:45) Akaashi Keiji. Please, everyone knows. I wanna know who you were texting before. 

(11:47) FINE. There’s this guy I met because Samu gave me the wrong phone number. 

(11:47) I mean, I never met him in person. We just text each other. I don't even know his name. 

(11:48) He seems nice.

(11:48) He likes my jokes.

(11:49) He's trying to gather information to blackmail you. Nobody likes your jokes.

(11:55) It's too bad that Samu likes Akaashi. You two would've made a wonderful couple. 

(11:56) See? Your sense of humor sucks.

(11:59) Shut up, Suna.

(11:59) Anyway

(12:00) I found out that he attends the volleyball club. And I told him that his team sucks.

(12:02) Why

(12:04) Bc he told me they never made it to nationals. So I thought: oh, they suck. 

(12:04) It was natural and immediate. I didn't mean to offend him. 

(12:05) This is exactly why you are a horrible person. Because being an asshole comes naturally to you. 

(12:06) Whatever. People are still obsessed with me. 

(12:08) People hate you, Atsumu.

(12:09) Last time I checked, you didn't have your own fan club. 

(12:10) …

(12:10) point. 

(12:11) What should I do now?

(12:12) Beg for his forgiveness. If he’s not trying to blackmail you, hold on to him. He’s probably the only human polite enough to pretend that your jokes are funny.

(12:15) He’s not pretending. 

(12:17) Then I guess miracles really do happen sometimes. 

[Thursday PM]

(7:23) Hey

(7:23) Sorry about this morning.

(7:24) I didn't mean what I said.

(7:24) I say stupid things sometimes.

(7:24) I mean, quite often. Although my brother says even stupider things with a higher frequency. 

(7:25) I mean, he shoots them off 

(7:25) Like farts

(7:25) Okay, that one was terrible. 

(7:35) It’s okay.

(7:38) Really?

(7:44) Technically no, but the fart thing made me laugh way too much, so yeah. It’s okay. We’re cool.

(7:45) BUT our team doesn’t suck. 

(7:45) We have potential, we're just a little inexperienced. 

(7:46) And I'll prove it to you because we're definitely going to nationals this spring. And we will beat everyone. 

(7:46) And you’ll eat your words back.

(7:54) A bit of a presumptuous statement, don't you think? I mean, we’re one of the best schools in Japan.

(7:55) Good. It will be even more fun!

(8:01) Samu

(8:05) I DON’T CARE 

(8:05) I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE 

(8:05) LET ME COOK IN PEACE

(8:10) Oh, do I sense a little jealousy? Are you afraid that you will be left all alone with your recipe books full of dust?

(8:11) Maybe you should try texting Akaashi and make your move before he asks Bokuto to marry him.

(8:11) Why? Do you think Akaashi likes Bokuto? 

(8:12) Oh god. You’re an absolute jackass. Go back to your kitchen.

(8:12) What do you mean?

(8:12) Tsumu?

(8:12) TSUMU!

(8:13) This seems a good time to remind you that you got a fever as soon as I left for Osaka. You can't live without me. You are miserable.

(8:15) You’re making this up! It was just a coincidence! A COINCIDENCE!

(8:18) There are no coincidences in this world

(8:18) Mark my words, young dragon warrior

(8:19) Now fuck off

[Friday AM]

(8:44) Hey

(8:45) Can you describe yourself?

(9:03) Wow, is this a sext attempt? Because it's nine o'clock in the morning, and I'm in school right now. Wanna try again tonight?

(9:05) Are you always like this?

(9:06) Most of the time, but only with people I really like. You laugh at my jokes, so you're the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. 

(9:10) Oh my god. I feel bad for you.

(9:10) I mean, if a stranger you've been talking to for four days is the closest thing to a friend you've ever had...

(9:13) HEY! I'm a great champion. People must be envying you viscerally right now. You should feel honored and grateful for your position, cry with joy for sixteen hours a day, go to temples and thank the gods bc they gave you this incredible opportunity. 

(9:14) I mean, you get to hear the very first preview of my jokes. What more do you want?

(9:22) A girlfriend

(9:22) A boyfriend

(9:23) whatever.

(9:28) How romantic.

(9:31) Lots of money, too.

(9:34) Less romantic, but still valid.

(9:44) I also want to become the world's strongest volleyball player, but that is definitely more realistic than getting a girlfriend

(9:44) Or a boyfriend

(9:44) Or whatever

(9:49) You must be very ugly, then.

(9:50) I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID

(9:50) I AM SORRY.

(9:58) You know, you have to do something about this extremely annoying honesty of yours.

(9:59) I mean, being sincere is wonderful, but you can't tell people /everything/ you think. 

(9:59) It's obvious that no one will ever want to be your friend if you’re like this.

(10:00) I don’t need friends. 

(10:01) …

(10:01) Anyway, I don't think I'm ugly

(10:02) Maybe a little bit

(10:02) I don't know

(10:13) Describe yourself

(10:15) Hey, I asked you first!

(10:18) Well, I’m gorgeous. I should probably keep it vague, though. I don't want to be the cause of your inferiority complexes

(10:19) I do not have inferiority complexes, I am just curious 

(10:22) As it pleases you, your highness

(10:22) I am tall

(10:23) Light eyes, between green and yellow, can't quite tell, it depends on the light, dazzling smile

(10:23) Blond

(10:23) Very blond

(10:24) I want to go blonder and blonder but Samu told me to go easy on the bleaching.  Otherwise, I'll lose all my hair.

(10:25) I AM STRONG

(10:26) My services are every high schooler's nightmare

(10:26) And soon they’ll become the nightmare of every professional player.

(10:27) I have cheekbones with which you can slice trees

(10:35) Ah, the modesty!

(10:44) Well maybe I'm not modest, but it's all true. What's the use of belittling yourself? You must be proud of the qualities you have. Honesty with yourself is the best thing.  

(10:44) Now it's your turn.

(10:56) Well

(10:57) Wow, this is more embarrassing than I thought it would be.

(10:59) Oh, come on man. Start with the hair.

(11:02) The hair?

(11:02) I have red hair

(12:33) Osamu

(12:33) Where are you

(12:34) Atsumu did the magic

(12:35) I'm here, cooking butaman

(12:35) Please Rin, love of my life, enlighten my day 

(12:36) Suna, don't you dare

(12:36) Basically Atsumu got detention for his lack of decency and respect cause his crush texted him that he had red hair

(12:36) I do NOT have a crush on him 

(12:37) The teacher was explaining World War II, so there was this super tragic atmosphere, and in the midst of the silence, Atsumu stood up and yelled out: 

(12:37) OH MY GOD. HE HAS RED HAIR?  

(12:38) It was hilarious

(12:41) I'll regret not being in school forever

(12:42) Don't worry. I filmed everything 

(12:44) EXCUSE ME, WHAT

(12:45) WHEN

(12:48) I hate this group chat

[Friday PM]

(9:34) Do you have something against red hair?

(9:36) HELLO TO YOU TOO, SUNSHINE.

(9:37) AND NO, but this time it was my turn to have my phone confiscated

(9:38) WHERE DO YOU LIVE

(9:40) What?

(9:41) C’mon. Kansai, Kantou, Hokkaidou, the Batcave

(9:42) maybe we are neighbors

(9:42) I’M FEELING A BIT DRUNK RN

(9:43) THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY ALCOHOLIC IN THE STRAWBERRY CAKE

(9:43) AND I ATE A LOT OF STRAWBERRY CAKE

(9:48) What’s your name

(9:52) Oh God. I’d really like to know what they put in that cake

(9:53) Idk, i’ll ask mum tomorrow. Probably some drugs. I think she’s secretly trying to get rid of her family

(9:54) Sasuke-kun

(9:55) Nope

(9:56) Sosuke-kun

(9:56) Nope

(9:58) I give up

(9:59) I miss Samu

(9:59) I’m so happy he’s coming home tomorrow

(10:00) BUT DON’T TELL HIM

(10:05) have u ever had sex

(10:09) Are we already at this point? 

(10:09) Anyway no, I never have. 

(10:13) Neither have I. No big deal

(10:13) I’m an immaculate virgin

(10:14) We should form a club

(10:14) Like, the club of virgins

(10:15) And then win against all the volleyball teams

(10:16) No, seriously, what did your mother put in that cake?

(10:17) Her secret ingredient

(10:17) LOVE, BABE. LOVE.

(10:18) do u wanna hear a joke

(10:20) *drum rolls with expectation*

(10:21) What do bees do if they need a ride? 

(10:21) I don’t know, what do they do? 

(10:22) They wait at the buzz stop! 

(10:22) BOOM, BABY

(10:23) Oh man, I wish i could kiss myself

(10:33) I should start pinning all your jokes down, then write a book about them. I'm sure it would become a best seller.

(10:33) And then we’d become rich!

(10:42) you’re an angel

(10:42) and an evil genius

(10:42) I like you

[Saturday AM]

(9:03) GOOD MORNING, IMMACULATE VIRGIN

(9:03) how is the post-cake hangover going?

(9:29) Fucking Christ

(9:30) About yesterday's messages: it wasn't me, I swear. It was my friends' fault. 

(9:33) What friends? You said you had no friends. 

(9:34) …

(9:34) You know, maybe opening up so much to you wasn't the smartest idea I ever had.

(9:35) I believe my mom is REALLY trying to poison us, btw. Thankfully my brother is coming back today. At least he will be supervising the kitchen.

(9:48) How long until he arrives?

(9:56) Two hours and twenty-seven minutes.

(9:58) How cute. You’re still counting down. 

(9:59) Well, I'm just glad I'm no longer in danger of dying poisoned because of my parents' cooking.

(10:00) And yes, I'm very cute, thanks. <3

(10:00) What about you? What are you doing today?

(10:05) PRACTICE.

(10:07) The dedication, ladies and gentlemen.

(10:09) I have to do it, I suck at receiving. I need to improve.

(10:13) So you're not a libero.

(10:15) Definitely not. I’m a middle-blocker. 

(10:15) And you? What position do you play?

(10:17) I’m a setter.

(10:19) I have mixed feelings about this.

(10:19) What do you mean?

(10:20) The setter on my team. He’s a genius. 

(10:20) We have a weird relationship. I envy him, I admire him, I want to beat him. But at the same time, I need him to win.  

(10:21) He has a difficult temperament, though. It's not easy to get along with him.

(10:21) But I trust him completely. 

(10:21) He also scares me. I wanna punch him. Although I can't, because he’s stronger than me. He always wins in arm wrestling.

(10:22) Setters are very complicated!

(10:33) It sounds like a crush to me.

(10:34) HI TSUMU

(10:34) DO I SENSE, PERHAPS, DISAPPOINTMENT?

(10:35) Your perceptual ability sucks

(10:36) What happened to your dreams of glory, big brother? <3

(10:36) This is gonna be the best weekend of my life. 

[SATURDAY PM]

(8:48) I’m sorry, I was practicing!

(8:49) And it’s not a crush. I'd rather have my face smashed by a service.

(8:55) I get it. You're in denial.

(8:59) Nope, that’s not the case, I can assure you.

(8:59) Don't worry babe. I’m still available <3

(9:00) ...

(9:01) Rin, you there?

(9:01) I’m always there for you. Did you get home safe and sound, sweetheart?

(9:02) Yes, my love. Thank you for your concern. 

(9:02) Rin, there’s something wrong with Tsumu

(9:03) There’s always something wrong with him

(9:04) No, I mean, this time it’s worse than usual. He’s punching himself in the face

(9:04) He’s blushing

(9:04) Fucking Christ

(9:05) Maybe he’s in apnea.

(9:06) Rin, I think he’s dying.

(9:07) Finally some fucking good news. 

(9:07) Can you give me his share of your inheritance?

(9:10) Go shit yourselves, both of you.

(9:15) So

(9:15) The student beat the master.

(9:16) But just this once. You have a long way to go, young padawan.

(9:18) Yeah, yeah. Is your brother back?

(9:20) Yep, he also cooked.

(9:25) What? 

(9:35) Kitsune udon. It was delicious. But I pretended it was barely edible.

(9:36) Although I ended up filling my plate four times, so I'm afraid my act wasn't that effective.

(9:36) Now I think we’ll watch Hunter x Hunter for the millionth time.

(9:40) Oh, good idea! I’m gonna go watch something with my sister too!

(9:42) Have fun

(9:43) You too!

[Sunday AM]

(6:25) How would you name a cactus?

(6:26) Hypothetically speaking.

(6:28) I’m not following 

(6:29) What name would you give to a little cactus

(6:30) Still not following

(6:31) Is little cactus a metaphor for your dick? Because it's not very inviting.

(6:32) Oh god. You're so stupid.

(6:33) no, it's just that, you know

(6:33) it's Sunday. You texted me at 6:30 in the morning. 

(6:34) You should be under arrest, sir. With handcuffs and all.  

(6:35) Is that what you think about before going to sleep? Me wearing handcuffs?

(6:36) This is one of those very rare occasions when I had better keep my mouth shut. I underestimated you, and I bitterly regret it.

(6:36) That's what everyone does.

(6:36) What?

(6:37) Underestimate me. And then BABAM, I come out of nowhere and score with my super duper powerful spikes!

(6:37) I love spiking! No one can predict my spikes!!!

(6:38) Okay, tiger

(6:38) You’ll see

(6:38) Yeah yeah

(6:39) Anyway

(6:39) Yesterday my mom brought us back a little cactus.

(6:40) And she said it would be nice to find a name for it.

(6:41) So, help me out

(6:42) Cocktus.

(6:42) Cocktus the cactus. 

(6:43) …

(6:43) How could I have thought that asking your opinion might be a good idea? 

(6:45) Honestly? I don't have a clue. Especially at 6:30 in the morning.

(6:45) Now I have to leave you. My brother is threatening to kill us both.

(6:46) I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake up your brother! 

(6:46) But you wanted to wake up me?

(6:47) Well, let’s just say I don't feel particularly guilty toward you.

(6:48) Aww, how cute. You can't live without me even at this time on a Sunday morning. I knew you would become obsessed.

(6:48) Okay, my brother is kicking my ass. I’m going back to sleep. Goodbye.

(6:50) While you sleep, try to think of a cute name for my new cactus friend!

(6:50) And DON’T think of me while I'm wearing handcuffs . 

[Sunday PM]

(10:43) I thought of a name.

(10:44) Good evening, sleeping beauty. 

(10:44) It's not like I've slept until now

(10:45) Anyway

(10:45) Since you like to spike so much, and since the cactus has spikes, call it Spikey. 

(10:45) Spikey, the cactus full of spikes that likes to spike as well

(10:46) Well

(10:46) This is brilliant. 

(10:48) I know.

(10:49) I will, however, continue to call it cocktus.

(10:50) Oh God so this is what it feels like to have a child.

(10:51) Wonderful, I had my first child with a stranger.

(10:53) Send me a pic.

(10:54) Of the cactus?

(10:54) No, of your dick. 

(10:55) OF COURSE I MEAN THE CACTUS, WTF

(10:56) [image received]

(10:57) Wow, it's gorgeous. You can totally see my genes.

(10:57) It’s a bit short, though.

(10:59) For that, I think it's my fault. 

(11:03) You’re short?

(11:05) A little bit. But I can jump!

(11:06) THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE <3

(11:07) SHUT UP, TSUMU

Chapter Text

MONDAY AM

(08:43) How's Cocktus doing? 

(08:46) His spines shine like a thousand suns

(08:47) I'm so relieved he didn't die tonight

(08:50) Why, was it a risk? After only one night?!

(08:52) Well, let's just say I don't really have a green thumb. Every plant I've owned hasn't lasted more than three days

(08:53) Oh, fuck

(08:53) Why did I leave my child with you? It’s a disgrace!

(08:54) Please don't let Cocktus die. I only have him.

(08:54) My precious star 

(08:54) My beautiful baby 

(08:55) Be sure to water him. And buy a nicer pot. The one you have now sucks.

(08:57) I don't think it’s a good idea. I mean, Cocktus is a cactus. And cacti don’t want to be watered, right? 

(08:58) Wow, your green thumb might actually be worse than mine! 

(08:59) We should face the truth. We’re terrible parents

(09:00) No, YOU are a terrible parent. I am resplendent. All the buds wish to have me as their dad.

(09:01) And Cocktus will survive. There’s my DNA inside his sap.

( 09:02) Cocktus will grow and become the most colossal cactus in the world. He will find the solution to global pollution, fix every goddamn mess on this planet with his extraordinary intelligence 

(09:03) Cocktus will be worshipped, as he deserves

(09:03) A city suspended in the sky will be built in his honor

(09:04) And he’ll be so very grateful to me, while he’ll hate you for the rest of his existence since you almost let him die inside that horrible pot. 

(09:06) You’re right. He’ll love you forever, especially because of the terrific name you chose.

(09:06) TREMBLE, PEOPLE. JUSTICE WILL BE DONE. COCKTUS THE CACTUS IS COMING.  

(09:10) Screw you

(09:11) <3 

(09:11) hey

(09:11) you know I think you're reaaally funny, don’t you?

(09:12) thanks for making this Monday morning less traumatic than usual

(09:13) Hey man

(09:13) can you punch Atsumu in the face?

(09:14) But like, really hard.

(09:14) If he doesn't stop smiling like an idiot at his phone, I'm gonna throw up on the teacher's register.

(09:15) I just kicked him in the shin. 

(09:15) REALLY hard. 

(09:16) He glanced at me, but didn’t kick me back???

(09:20) This is fucking serious.

(09:21) Don’t you think he's being scammed? 

(09:21) Maybe we should call the police. Maybe you should tell your parents. 

(09:22) I mean, it's just that Atsumu is such an asshole sometimes. He might really believe he's found the love of his life and send that guy your mom's credit card.

(09:23) Rather than my mom's credit card, Atsumu is more likely to send him pictures of his dick. Which, frankly, is a huge problem. Our dicks are identical and I definitely don’t want pics of mine circulating on the Internet.

(09:25) …

(09:25) Samu

(09:25) You know I love you man, but I would have lived so much longer without that information.

(09:26) Shut up, Rin. I know you've been dying to know since we met.

(09:27) However, if we have to worry about someone, that someone is not Atsumu. 

(09:27) The guy he’s talking to, though, doesn’t know what’s coming. Scammer or not, he will be traumatized for life. 

(09:30) Poor thing.

(09:35) I’ll try to investigate more thoroughly, btw. Just to make sure that Tsumu won’t be kidnapped and exploited for possible blackmail.

(09:38) What’s your plan?

(09:40) I'll save the scammer’s number from Tsumu's phone and text him.

(09:41) Stupid me for believing you were the clever twin, Osamu. 

(09:41) It’s so obvious you two shared the same womb. 

(09:42) You're both fucking dickheads.

MONDAY PM

(10:03) Hey

(10:04) AAAAAAAAAH

(10:04) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

(10:05) wtf

(10:05) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(10:06) WHAT’S HAPPENING

(10:07) I AM RAGING

(10:08) Why? 

(10:10) I WISH

(10:10) I wish I was taller

(10:11) If I had been taller, I’d be so much stronger

(10:11) I know it's stupid to be envious of something I can't change

(10:12) and I always force myself to swallow my height complex down, because I don't want to justify my mistakes on the court by saying something like: “WELL, I'm only 1.63 meters tall, I have every single goddamn right to spike the ball against the net or to be blocked, from time to time!”

(10:13) But on some days I can’t bare it 

(10:13) I just feel so frustrated. 

(10:14) I WANNA PUNCH PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM SHRINK

(10:15) Easy there, tiger

(10:15) wait

(10:15) 163 cm?! Fuck

(10:15) you’re really short

(10:16) I’m gonna call you shorty pie from now on

(10:16) I've been thinking about a nickname for a while. Thanks for the hint

(10:17) Oh no, thank /you/ for your support. It feels so nice to be understood!

(10:18) Hey, I'm 17, not a fucking therapist. 

(10:19) Sorry. 

(10:19) You wanna quit volleyball?

(10:20) What?! of course not, not even dead. 

(10:20) I'm just 

(10:21) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(10:21) you know

(10:22) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(10:22) just furious 

(10:25) Great. Anger is good. 

(10:26) Preserve it, ‘cause it pushes you to do more. Wanna know what else is useful?

(10:26) Open the window and scream. Throw everything out. 

(10:27) Then yell something stupid, like

(10:27) GODS HAVE SMALL DICKS! GODS CAN SUCK ME CLEAN!

(10:28) Insulting immortal entities will make you feel immortal as well 

(10:30) What if the gods are going to make me pay? Like, with an injury?

(10:32) Shut up, as if they really listen to you. I think they have other problems. 

(10:33) Look, it’s okay if you don't wanna insult the gods, but you have to yell something crazy. Otherwise, it won’t work. 

(10:34) Okay

(10:34) I’m going to do it

(10:36) Eat them

(10:48) Done

(10:49) I screamed

(10:49) and screamed

(10:49) and screamed

(10:49) and then I said

(10:50) IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU LOWERED THE NET A FEW INCHES 

(10:50) And then I said 

(10:51) IT DOESN’T MATTER, THOUGH. EVEN IF YOU RAISE THE NET TWO METERS, I’LL STILL MAKE IT AND WIN! I WILL FLY LIKE A STUPID PIDGEON AND SHIT ON YOUR HEADS! 

(10:55) HELL YEAH, GO TELL ‘EM 

(10:56) I didn't know if this was dumb enough, so just in case I added 

(10:57) I HOPE TSUKKI GETS DIARRHEA !!!

(10:57) Who’s Tsukki?

(10:59) My teammate. 

(10:59) He’s offensively tall. 

(11:00) How much

(11:01) 188 cm

(11:01) well, fuck. I hope he gets diarrhea too. He’s indecent.

(11:02) I hate his height

(11:03) Screw you, Tsukki, for being this tall. You're great at volleyball, but screw you anyway.

(11:04) Yeah yeah, screw you, Tsukki. 188 cm is a fucking shame

(11:05) Did you really shout all that out?

(11:06) HELL YEAH

(11:08) Oh my god, you’re so stupid. I like that in a man.

(11:10) <3 

(11:12) THE! HEIGHT! DIFFERENCE! <3 <3 <3 

(11:12) DIE

TUESDAY AM

(10:12) Hey

(10:13) You always say you’re tall.

(10:13) But like, how much?

(10:16) GOODMORNING, SHORTY PIE

(10:17) Quit it

(10:23) no need to get upset, little bird <3

(10:23) I’m 183 cm 

(10:25) WHY

(10:25) WHY ARE YOU ALL SO TALL

(10:30) Are we enemies now? 

(10:32) No, because at least you’re shorter than Tsukki

(10:37) Shit, don't remind me. I hate that guy.

(10:38) Tsukki, did you catch a cold? 

(10:38) You sneezed a lot today.

(10:39) Eight times, to be exact.

(10:40) Maybe someone’s talking about you.

(10:43) Yamaguchi, why the hell did you count my sneezes?

(10:44) Wait. Ignore what I just asked. I don't want to know.

(10.44) Although I’d sure like to know who Hinata has been texting for the past week. His math grades are getting so much worse. 

(10:45) And he uses his phone constantly, he puts it away just during practice.  

(10:48) Perhaps he got a girlfriend?

(10:55) Hinata? As if that were a plausible option. In his head, there’s only room for volleyball.

(10:57) Am I allowed to say that you’re not different?

(10:58) No, you’re not. Shut up, Yamaguchi. Don't you dare to compare me to Hinata. My self-esteem is not that strong.

(11:01) HEY! 

(11:01) Mean!

(11:01) I don't have a girlfriend

(11:01) He's 

(11:01) Well, he’s just a friend.

(11:01) Kind of???

(11.02) (You’re right about my math grades, though.)

(11:04) He? Who's he? And how on earth do you manage to make new friends if you practice from morning to night?

(11:05) I don't want to disagree with you, Tsukki, but Hinata would be able to become friends with walls as well. 

(11:06) Point.

(11:07) Remember when we lost him for five minutes inside the supermarket and by the time we found him he had been offered two jobs and six cashiers had given him their phone numbers? Oh, and one of them wanted to give him the giant Chopper plush toy displayed in the window!

(11:10) ...

(11:10) I remember.

(11:11) Seven

(11:11) I mean, the phone numbers were actually seven. The seventh one was left by a customer.

(11:12) Who’s he, Hinata.

(11:14) He’s a guy I met by accident. He’s a sophomore in high school, and he plays volleyball.

(11:15) By accident? 

(11:15) What high school?

(11:15) What's his name?

(11:19) I don't know. I never met him in person.

(11:19) Yet, at least.

(11:23) What do you mean?

(11:26) To put it briefly, this guy's brother gave him the wrong number as a prank. The wrong number turned out to be mine. This guy texted me thinking I was his brother, and from there we started talking.

(11:26) Uhm, every day.

(11:30) Oh

(11:35) Ew

(11:36) DON’T EW AT ME

(11:38) Sorry, I'm just disgusted by your idiocy.

(11:38) Have you ever considered that perhaps he wants to scam you? By stealing personal information or convincing you to give him money?

(11:40) Of course I thought about it, I’m not stupid!

(11:41) But he didn’t ask me for anything personal. And even if it happened, I wouldn’t answer him. 

(11:41) Besides, he doesn't seem bad at all. He just seems like a boy. A boy about our age. 

(11:42) He’s funny. 

(11:42) We talk a lot about volleyball.

(11:42) Sometimes he’s a bit of a jerk, but that’s okay. 

(11:44) Hinata

(11:44) This is exactly what happens when someone wants to fool you. 

(11:45) They win your trust first.

(11:45) And when you get attached, they ask you to lend them money or something like that.   

(11:51) How positive you are.

(11:54) It’s not about positivity. I'm just trying to prevent you from being robbed. Or who knows what else.

(11:59) Tsukishima-kun is right, Hinata-kun .

(12:00) Yachi-san! Are you also on his side? :(

(12:01) He’s saying this because he worries about you.

(12:01) Not all people are bad, of course. But in similar situations, it’s always better to be cautious.

(12:03) I promise I’ll be careful. Thank you!  

(12:04) So… Stingyshima worries about me?

(12:04) How sweet <3 

(12:04) I’M GETTING OUT OF THIS.

TUESDAY PM

(07:33) [IMAGE SENT]

(07:33) [IMAGE RECEIVED]

(07:35) OH MY GOD MY BABY

(07:35) His spines are growing!

(07:35) He should dye himself blond as well

(07:36) I’m surprised he’s still alive

(07:38) Believe me, so am I.

(07:39) Your green thumb is doing great so far. And my DNA is doing better.

(07:39) But PLEASE, change his pot. Is the worst pot I’ve ever seen. It’s depressing. It makes me cry.

(07:41) Tomorrow I’ll buy a new one!

(07:42) Be sure to get it colorful. Possibly decorated with polka dots.

(07:44) Yeah yeah

(07:45) You know, I was thinking that you also need a nickname. 

(07:54) Oh yeah? And what would that be? Splendor guy?

(07:56) I was thinking about something like ‘pain in the ass guy’.

(07:59) Ha-ha. I'm the humorous one, in this relationship. Don’t forget that.

(08:00) For example, now you wanted to sound funny, but you failed. You just sounded desperate.  

(08:04) I hurt you, didn’t I?

(08:10) More than you can imagine. Now I'm going to sulk for the next ten years.

(08:11) I knew it

(08:15) Oh, c’mon

(08:20) :(

(08:57) :(((((((

WEDNESDAY AM 

(09:16) What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

(09:17) *rolls the drum in complete solitude*

(09:17) A CAN’T OPENER!

(09:19) Fine. I admit I found it vaguely amusing, but you'll have to do better. 

(09:22) Please forgive me.

(09:23) My morning is so depressing without you. 

(09:23) So gloomy. 

(09:24) It’s raining inside my soul. 

(09:26) I’m gonna die very soon

(09:26) SHIT

(09:26) SHIT THEY’RE GOING TO CONFISCATE MY PHONE

(09:26) PLEASE NOT AGAIN

(09.26) GOODBYSDFFff

(09:30) hahaha, deserved. 

(09:31) but since you suffered enough, I decided to bless you with my forgiveness.

(09:32) Now go celebrate this wonderful news. The sun can shine again in your life

(09:32) FUCK THEY’RE GONNA CONFISCATE MINE TOO

(09:32) FUCKING SHIT FUCKING SHIT FUCKING SH

WEDNESDAY PM

(07:12) I’m very happy that detention got me your forgiveness

(07:13) Also, check this out:

(07:13) [image sent]

(07:13) [image received]

(07:36) FUCKKK

(07:37) Now, that’s a cool pot! I love the color. Blue enhances his spines

(07:37) My sweet boy… all grown up

(07:37) and most importantly, still alive

(07:39) A MIRACLE. I’m glad you like the new pot. I bought it after practice

(07:40) And now I have to study English, which I hate deeply.

(07:42) I should study too. I'm kind of choking under all the history homework I have.

(07:43) Am I distracting you?

(07:44) A little. Good distraction though.

(07:44) Do you wanna watch something together later?

(07:49) What do you mean?

(07:52) Uhm, like

(07:52) We pick one movie and make it start at the same time. 

(07:59) Look, never mind. 

(08:16) It was a stupid idea.

(08:18) Samu

(08:19) I asked him to watch a movie together. 

(08:19) I mean, at home

(08:19) simultaneously

(08:20) Do you think I was creepy?  

(08:20) Okay, maybe I was a little creepy. 

(08:22) By ‘someone’ you mean the wrong number stranger, right?

(08:23) We text from morning to night 

(08:23) EVERY SINGLE DAY

(08:23) I can’t consider him a stranger anymore. 

(08:25) You'll get killed 

(08:25) Sooner or later, you’ll get killed

(08:25) Good for me though. I'll inherit all the money.

(08:26) Stop it, I can hear you crying from the bathroom just at the idea.

(08:27) And I would describe him more as an acquaintance. An acquaintance with whom I accidentally had a child.

(08:27) A child who however is not a human, but a cactus.

(08:28) ... 

(08:28) Okay, I’ll ignore that last part for my own sanity.

(08:28) Anyway, honestly? I don't think it's that weird. I mean, this whole situation is completely absurd.

(08:29) So I wasn’t creepy.

(08:29) Given the context, I’d say no.

(08:30) Good. 

(08:30) good good good. 

(08:31) He ghosted you, didn’t he?

(08:32) …

(08:32) Yes

(08:35) Maybe his phone died.

(08:35) Or he's studying.

(08:36) Or he broke his leg. 

(08:36) Or he got tired of you and has no intention of ever texting you again.

(08:37) samu

(08:37) tsumu

(08:37) wtf is wrong with you 

(08:38) no, wtf is wrong with YOU

(08:39) What do you mean you had a child who is a cactus?

(08:40) You said you were going to ignore that part

(08:41) HOW TF COULD I IGNORE IT? I WANNA STRANGLE YOU

(08:41) Can you please just go to fucking therapy I am begging you I am desperate

(08:41) YOU KNOW WHAT I’m the one who actually NEEDS FUCKING Therapy immediately bECAuse of you 

(08:42) Deep breathes, Samu

(08:42) Don't be hysterical

(08:43) HYSTERICAL?

(08:43) I HATE YOU

(08:45) why don’t we cook something?

(08:46) I’M NOT BUYING IT

(08:46) I WON’T CALM DOWN 

(08:47) Let's bake a cheesecake. You love cheesecake

(08:47) I AM GOING TO KILL YOU 

(08:48) No, listen to me. We bake a cheesecake.

(08:49) Then we decorate it with something nice 

(08:49) We take a picture

(08:49) And then you post it on facebook so Akaashi Keiji will like it and maybe even leave a comment

(08:50) …

(08:50) fine

(08:51) let’s go grandpa

(09:31) I’m sorry

(09:31) My sister fell off her bicycle 

(09:35) oh shit

(09:35) how is she???

(09:36) Fortunately nothing’s broken, but she cut her arm and got stitches!

(09:36) But overall she’s fine, she just got a little scared. 

(09:36) Now she’s crying now because she won't be able to play volleyball until the wound is completely healed.

(09:37) She plays volleyball too?

(09:37) Oh yeah, she loves it!

(09:38) We always watch matches together and we play volleyball in the garden when I come home after practice.

(09:39) I bet you're so proud of her

(09:39) Of course I am! I love her. She's like, my whole world.

(09:40) I feel the same about my brother. But DON’T tell him!

(09:41) I won't, I promise!

(09:42) I don't think watching a movie together is a stupid idea, btw! I’d love to!

(09:42) Just not tonight, since I'll be keeping my sister company!

(09:43) COOL

(09:43) Wait, maybe this will make your sister feel better

(09:44) What is the name of the penguin’s favorite aunt?

(09:44) Aunt Arctica!

(09:45) …

(09:45) You’re actually amazing

(09:45) She laughed!

(09:46) Thank you <3 

(09:47) SAMU 

(09:48) I swear if you dare to say half a word to me I'll smash the cheesecake on your face, then I'll smash your head with a brick, then I'll burn you and throw your body’s ashes down the toilet

(09:49) I’ll also shit on them.

(09:50) oKAY BYE

THURSDAY AM

(07:36) Heeey

(07:36) How’s your sister doing?

(07:38) Good morning! 

(07:38) Still upset because she can’t play, but she starts laughing out of the blue every now and then because she thinks back to yesterday's joke!

(07:39) GOOD 

(07:39) There’s something very special in your family

(07:40) What do you mean?

(07:41) The sad truth is that not a single soul finds my jokes amusing

(07:41) People usually try to kick me when I tell them one (even though they never manage to hit me, bc I am STRONG and I dodge every shoe)

(07:43) How is that possible? :( 

(07:44) I think my audience is simply too dumb to understand my sense of humor

(07:44) They must be living in a very depressing reality 

(07:45) For what it's worth, I think your jokes are brilliant!

(07:46) thanks, sunshine

(07:47) Look what we had breakfast with this morning

(07:47) [image sent]

(07:47) [image received]

(07:48) Oh wow, it’s a cheesecake! 

(07:48) Man, it looks super duper soft and delicious

(07:53) I baked it

(07:55) Oh yeah? I thought it was your brother, since he likes to cook and all! 

(08:03) No, he just handed me the ingredients.

(08:04) Truth is, I'm a great cook. Much better than him, actually. 

(08:05) But I let him think that he’s the best at least in this, bc I don't want to cause him an inferiority complex. 

(08:12) How generous of you.

(08:17) I know. Gorgeous, powerful, charming, a great champion, and magnanimous as well. 

(08:17) I can't believe I'm real. 

(08:20) Yeah yeah, your family is so lucky

(08:20) I really like the decorations, btw! The picture is stunning

(08:37) Yeah, we put A LOT of effort into that. It's all part of my plan to get the attention of my brother's crush.

(08:40) What do you mean? 

(08:48) Long story short, my brother has a massive crush on a guy who, luckily, is passionate about food and cuisine and recipes and all that stuff

(08:49) Therefore, to get his attention, my brother often posts pictures of what he cooked on Facebook

(09:03) Why doesn’t he just try to text him?

(09:09) Because he’s a fucking coward. 

(09:10) But he can't go on like this. 

(09:10) Especially because I believe that, if my brother doesn't act soon, someone else will make the first move since this guy is objectively very attractive.

(09:11) My brother is a lost cause, though. One day, this guy left a comment under the pic of ochazuke that ‘Samu posted.

(09:12) He wrote: 'it looks delicious', or something like that.

(09:12) When my brother got the notification, he ran to the bathroom to throw up

(09:13) He’s so whipped

(09:13) He’s working on his anxiety, btw

(09:25) Oh my god :( 

(09:26) I feel so sorry for him, although I get him.

(09:26) Anxiety is awful! I always throw up right before a volleyball match.

(09:35) Really?

(09:40) Yeah! One day I threw up on my senpai's shoes. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

(09:51) You poor thing  

(09:53) But I will get used to the pressure, sooner or later. 

(09:53) I hope your brother finds the courage to ask him out, btw! 

(09:54) Or at least to say hi

(09:57) It’s just that he gets so insecure sometimes.

(09:58) And this is so stupid

(09:59) I mean, he’s great at cooking and playing volleyball. 

(09:59) Also, HIS FEATURES? Mine are better, but still, he's my twin. He inevitably got some of my beauty and attractiveness!

(10:00) I have no idea why he doesn't give it a shot

(10:00) I mean, he could make that guy fall madly in love even by farting in his face.

(10:12) You know, you become so sweet (in your own way) when you talk about your brother!

(10:13) You adore him! <3 

(10:24) I HOPE HE DIES 

(10:26) Tsumu

(10:26) Can you lend me your phone?

(10:30) Why

(10:31) Because I have to hack the government site 

(10:31) Because mine’s dying, you idiot.

(10:32) And I wanna play angry birds

(10:34) Bullshit

(10:34) You’re clearly lying 

(10:35) My psychic abilities are telling me that 

(10:37) Tsumu shut up and lend me your goddamn phone. If your psychic abilities are so fucking sharp then you know I don’t wanna do anything bad

(10:38) This has something to do with the wrong number guy

(10:40) ATSUMU

(10:41) Fine. I’ll give you my phone, but on one condition

(10:41) You’ll text Akaashi tonight.

(10:42) what

(10:43) You heard me

(10:43) Take it or leave it

(10:44) …

(10:44) This is so unfair, fuck

(10:44) You’re wicked

(10:45) Okay, FINE.

(10:46) SERIOUSLY?

(10:47) Yeah.

(10:48) Okay man, wow

(10:48) I didn't think you’d really accept.

(10:48) This is gonna be the best night of my life

(10:49) I already wanna kill myself

(10:49) Now give me your phone

(10:50) Samu

(10:50) I swear if you dare to delete his number-

(10:51) How can you be so serious about him?

(10:51) You don’t even know his name

(10:52) You don’t even know if there’s an actual boy behind that goddamn phone

(10:52) You’re gonna get hurt, Tsumu

(10:53) Thanks for the concern, but none of this is your fucking business

(10:53) DON’T

(10:53) DELETE

(10:53) IT.

(10:54) Fine

(10:54) I won’t

(10:55) Good.

(10:55) And don’t read our chat

(10:56) because you’ll find nudes

(10:56) what

(10:56) I’m kidding

(10:57) Or maybe not

(10:58) Shorty pie

(10:58) I’m gonna lend my phone to my brother for a bit

(10:59) don’t send me nudes bc he’s gonna see them all

(11:00) what the hell

(11:01) WHY WOULD I SEND YOU NUDES?

(11:02) Riiiight

(11:02) Let me rephrase

(11:02) Don’t ask me to send you nudes bc my brother will read the message

(11:03) Ask me again tonight <3

(11:04) You

(11:04) You’re so stupid 

(11:05) And you like me because of that

(11:05) REGRETTABLY, YES

(11:23) Suna, mission accomplished

(11:23) I got his number

(11:25) You’re a demon. So glad we’re friends.

THURSDAY  PM

(06:54) Are you ready for the shitshow

(06:58) Hi, you’re back!

(06:59) Did you miss me, sunshine? <3 

(07:01) Nah, you’re the one who missed me

(07:01) Wait, what shitshow 

(07:04) My brother is about to text his crush

(07:05) WHAT

(07:05) How???

(07:09) I made a deal with him this morning. 

(07:10) He got half an hour of playing Angry Birds on my phone, while I got the best night of my life.

(07:11) It wasn’t a very convenient deal for him…

(07:12) Definitely. But he's famous for his cooking, not his intelligence. 

(07:13) Now he’s lighting candles

(07:14) Why?

(07:15) To suggest a more romantic atmosphere, he says.

(07:15) Honestly, I think this is the kind of atmosphere you create when you want to summon a demon. 

(07:16) But maybe that’s exactly what he’s planning to do

(07:16) idk, I’ll keep you updated

(07:17) Maybe he wants to summon a demon to get rid of you

(07:18) No, that’s my mother, but thanks for your opinion 

(07:20) Okay I’m actually terrified, he even put on music

(07:25) What kind of music

(07:26) Beethoven

(07:26) you know, that creepy symphony

(07:26) the 5th

(07:28) I had to look it up because I couldn't remember which one it was

(07:28) anyway

(07:28) It's time to run

(07:29) Although at this point I think he’d be able to find you anywhere

(07:38) IT’S STARTING

(07:40) what is he gonna text?

(07:43) I suggested a simple ‘hey:)’ 

(07:44) But my brother wants to tell him that today he made some onigiri that tasted better than our grandma's

(07:44) I told him that at this point it would be preferable to send him pics of his dick because it would be less embarrassing anyway

(07:45) But he retorted by saying that the secret to winning his crush’s heart is to talk about food and emphasize his culinary skills

(07:46) but idk, if a person I've never spoken to in my life texts me "hi, today I made 35 onigiris without my grandmother's help and they turned out delicious," I think I’d feel a little uncomfortable

(07:50) You texted me that you had a soft spot for serial killers and that you called “babe” the 90-year-old woman who sells eggs to your father 

(07:51) yeah, well

(07:52) First of all, I'm not trying to make you my boyfriend

(07:52) Secondly, I could say shit and there would still be the secret of the universe behind it

(07:53) I am the embodiment of the sun

(07:53) I AM GOD

(07:53) My brother on the other hand is

(07:54) well, a loser

(07:58) Okay, I convinced him to go with a simple hey:)

(08:04) he’s typing

(08:05) OMG HE’S GOING TO SEND IT

(08:06) HE DID IT

(08:09) CONGRATULATIONS

(08:10) Keep me updated! 

(08:12) Yeah, now we wait

(08:13) Oh no

(08:13) Goodbye, I have to leave you

(08:14) what, why? what's going on?

(08:14) my brother has to throw up

(08:14) oh no :( 

(08:15) give your brother a big hug 

(08:15) no

(10:23) I have good news and bad news. 

(10:23) The good news is that his crush replied!

(10:24) The bad news is that the conversation died only after five, miserable messages

(10:27) What?!

(10:27) How is that possible? 

(10:34) Basically, this is how everything went

(10:36) my stupid brother: Hey:)
his stupid crush: Hi:)
my stupid brother: How are you? :)
his stupid crush: Fine, and you?:)
my stupid brother: Fine:)

(10:37) the end. Directed by Robert b weide

(10:37) or by Hitchcock, I swear those little smiles are creeping the shit out of me.

(10:38) They’re both assholes, btw. 

(10:38) He says it's my fault???

(10:39) Of course he can talk about cooking, but not in the first message? 

(10:39) I mean, people typically introduce themselves first! 

(10:39) Now I told him FINE, do whatever the fuck you want, go ahead and talk about your stupid food and recipes and scare him!

(10:40) But he says it's too late now, everything’s ruined

(10:40) He doesn’t even talk to me???

(10:40) I’M GONNA KILL HIM 

(10:42) Please no, don't kill anyone, you can't go to jail

(10:42) We have to meet at nationals

(10:43) Oh

(10:43) Right. 

(10:44) Please don't make me blush, it's the worst timing ever, my brother's heartbroken

(10:45) Anyway now I'm gonna try to put some sense back into him

(10:45) Before he actually summons a demon

(10:46) Good luck, give him a big hug! 

(10:50) NO.

FRIDAY AM

(07:35) Good morning!

(07:36) How’s your brother?

(07:38) He resurrected.

(07:38) Apparently, his crush is as stupid as he is.

(07:40) After three hours, during which my brother cried and threatened to kill first me and then himself due to his great embarrassment, his crush sent him a picture of the katsudon he had made for dinner. My brother replied with a picture of the pancakes we had made in the afternoon. 

(07:41) And they basically spent the whole night sending each other pictures of food, without saying a single word.

(07:42) At one point I got so frustrated that I started yelling and forced my Samu to tell him something because it couldn't go on like that.

(07:43) So, my brother asked him what his favorite food was (onigiri) and now they’re talking about recipes and Samu is telling him about his cooking class in Osaka. 

(07:43) I hate them

(07:44) They are perfect for each other, though.

(07:44) But I hate them. Come on, who flirts like this? I’m embarrassed for them. 

(07:44) But my brother looks ridiculously happy, so I guess it's okay.

(07:44) But I swear that if his performance on the court decreases because of this distraction, I'll transform into the most ferocious three-headed beast and destroy their relationship before it even begins. 

(08:02) Wow. That was a lot of anger to start the day with. 

(08:03) Deep breaths!

(08:09) You're right.

(08:10) but fuuuuuck

(08:10) fuckfuckfuuuuuuuck

(08:11) Are you jealous?

(08:15) What?

(08:22) Are you jealous? Of your brother, the fact that he's talking to someone he really likes, etc etc

(08:23) Well no etc etc, what the fuck are you talking about.

(08:27) Okay, sorry, it was just a thought! 

(08:29) Okay

(08:30) How's your sister doing?

(08:35) She's fine. They're going to remove her stitches on Monday

(08:35) She can’t wait to get back to play!

(08:45) Good for her

(08:46) WAIT 

(08:47) WHAT HAPPENED

(08:50) HOW THE HELL IS COCKTUS

(08:50) I completely forgot about him

(08:51) please tell me he isn’t dead

(08:51) my beautiful baby

(08:52) Our child is still alive, dw 

(08:52) Even though I don’t know how

(08:52) He’s as splendid as ever

(08:53) I’m going to tell him that you forgot about him

(09:10) Don’t you dare

(09:17) I have to

(09:17) Therefore I will earn the position of favorite parent.

(09:34) You’ll never achieve that. 

(09:35) Cocktus will always remember that you changed his awful pot thanks to me. 

(09:35) And he also knows that his splendor comes entirely from my dna.  

(09:39) Yeah yeah, you radiate all the light of the universe

(10:43) <3

(10:49) Btw, I’ll text you later

(10:50) I really need to hear this English explanation. Otherwise, I’m doomed

(11:04) Go for it, cowboy

FRIDAY PM

(08:15) [image sent]

(08:15) [image received]

(08:18) my baby

(08:19) god he’s gorgeous

(08:20) fuck

(08:21) He keeps getting hotter and hotter, just like me

(08:22) You’re making daddy proud, little cactus

(08:22) Good boy.

(08:30) PLEASE DON’T FLIRT WITH A PLANT

(08:43) Sorry. It's just that mom made us drink peach vodka. 

(08:45) What the heck?!

(08:45) What's wrong with your mom?

(09:00) Idk

(09:01) Every Friday she makes something with alcohol. 

(09:01) I think she wants to turn us into alcoholics.

(09:01) Even my dad can't stop her.

(09:02) He’s so whipped for her. I swear, they've been together for twenty years and he still looks at mom like she's his whole fucking universe.

(09:02) They’re disgusting

(09:02) I mean, I love them

(09:03) but they’re frankly disgusting

(09:05) peach vodka is also disgusting

(09:23) How much did you drink?

(09:27) A little. I barely tasted it, it's not like mom filled our glasses up to the brim, but even one small sip was more than enough

(09:30) It's beautiful, though.

(09:32) The vodka?

(09:32) Oh, you mean my face. I know. Fucking ethereal. 

(09:34) Having parents still together

(09:34) Still

(09:34) you know

(09:35) in love.

(09:35) I mean, it's... I don't know. Beautiful. 

(09:36) Yours are divorced?

(09:36) Yeah

(09:37) I'm sorry

(09:38) Don’t apologize, how could you have known? Plus, I’m not sad!

(09:38) I mean, I am sad, but not due to this conversation. It's not like you’ve made things worse. 

(09:39) Actually, it was very nice to hear that people are still able to love each other despite aging up! I didn’t think it was possible

(09:40) Man, you're way too young to be this bitter about love

(09:41) I'm not saying love is always there, but it does exist.

(09:41) Have faith in people

(09:42) Love is beautiful and real

(09:42) And you are way too young to be this wise

(09:43) I am a dream.

(09:43) Wanna hear a joke about love

(09:44) Please

(09:45) Are you French? 

(09:45) Because Eiffel for you.

(09:46) …

(09:47) This was

(09:47) Truly

(09:47) I-

(09:48) I have no words that can do justice to what I’ve just read.

(09:51) I know 

(09:51) Leaving people speechless is one of my many superpowers

(09:52) I look forward to discovering all the others, then <3

(09:53) Don’t flirt with me when I’m drunk. It can become extremely dangerous.

(09:54) I must leave you now. I have to stop my brother before he texts his crush something embarrassing, like when he had indigestion by gorging on escargot in the French restaurant

(09:55) I've worked way too hard to let him fuck everything up after two days

(09:57) Go stop him, tiger

(09:58) And goodnight

SATURDAY AM

(10:03) Yachi-san

(10:03) Do you think

(10:04) Do you think it's strange if I ask him what’s his name?

(10:05) I mean, just his first name, it's not like I want to go into details of his identity

(10:05) I think it would be nice to know his name 

(10:06) And it would be nice to stop calling him in my head 'the guy who accidentally texted me because of his brother's questionable joke'.

(10:06) Do you think he would find that annoying?

(10:10) No, not at all :) 

(10:10) How long have you been talking?

(10:15) For two weeks, every day.

(10:21) Then it's definitely not strange, since you talk so much. 

(10:21) I'm sure he's dying to know yours, too. 

(10:22) Just be careful. 

(10:22) It’s wonderful that you are making new friends.

(10:22) But still

(10:24) Yeah, I know

(10:24) Thank you, Yachi-san <3

(10:29) Please, do your math homework. I’ll help you.

(10:30) THANK YOU, YACHI-SAN!!! T_T

SATURDAY PM

(09:10) How’s the hangover going? 

(09:13) Hello, sunshine

(09:13) I will never have peach vodka again. I’d rather chug bleach detergent.

(09:14) I hope next week my mom will propose a less disgusting alcoholic drink. More importantly, I hope my dad will be able to stop her.

(09:15) Your mom seems super cool!

(09:16) She is the devil

(09:17) Yeah yeah

(09:17) Do you remember when the other day you asked me to watch something together?

(09:18) Well, would you like to do it now? If you have time, of course.

(09:18) We could watch a movie

(09:22) HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE

(09:22) PLS HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE

(09:25) I’d really like that! I love Studio Ghibli

(09:25) Although my favorite is probably Spirited Away

(09:27) I don't think I have a favorite. I love all of them viscerally.

(09:27) But Howl’s Moving Castle has such a warm and joyful ending

(09:28) A balm for the soul

(09:30) I agree!

(09:30) Tell me when you’re ready

(09:33) I’m ready

(09:33) Then let’s go

(09:34) I started it!

(09:34) Me too!

(11:36) I just want to collapse on the ground and bawl my eyes out because of happiness

(11:36) I swear, this movie heals every problem in the world!

(11:37) I KNOW THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO WATCH IT

(11:38) LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL

(11:38) LOVE IS REAL

(11:45) Tsumu

(11:45) I’ll tell you this gently

(11:46) You’re getting a crush on this guy

(11:48) Samu. What the fuck

(11:48) Why are you texting me when you're literally right next to me

(11:50) I'm not talking to you because I'm angry

(11:50) How could you have a crush on someone you've never seen in your whole life?

(11:51) I don't have a crush. And the reason is precisely what you just stated: I've never seen him. 

(11:51) I don't even know his fucking name!

(11:52) Tsumu

(11:52) I don’t wanna make your beliefs collapse

(11:52) But this is your face when you text him

(11:52) [image sent]

(11:52) [image received]

(11:53) That’s not me

(11:53) YES IT IS?

(11:53) You clearly used photoshop or something. I don’t grin that much! 

(11:54) EXCEPT THAT YOU DO??? Look at your expression! 

(11:55) OSAMU.

(11:55) I like texting him 

(11:55) I REALLY like texting him

(11:55) Nothing more, okay?

(11:56) Okay

(11:56) Tsumu

(11:56) It's not like I don't want you to text people or make friends

(11:57) It's just that

(11:57) I don't think it's wise to get so attached to someone you've never seen and who might be a scammer or who knows what else.

(11:58) I don't wanna sound like mom, I swear

(11:59) You did though

(11:59) But I get it, Samu 

(11:59) You're worried for your big brother

(00:00) How sweet

(00:00) Wanna give me a big hug

(00:00) …

(00:01) ‘Kay

SUNDAY AM

(03:07) Hey

(03:07) I really hope you have your notifications turned off

(03:07) What’s your favorite color?

(03:08) Mine’s black

(03:08) And red

(03:09) What’s your favorite food?

(03:09) I really like tamago kake gohan

(03:09) Also, meat buns.

(03:10) I love meat buns

(03:10) I’d kill for meat buns right now, I won't lie.

(09:22) wtf

(09:23) Why were you awake at three in the morning?

(09:43) I don't know, it happens sometimes

(09:54) You were thinking about me, admit it. 

(09:54) It's natural. Nothing to be ashamed of. 

(09:55) Anyway, it's not good. Rest is important.

(09:56) How will you improve your receiving if you don't sleep?

(09:56) Red, btw

(10:08) What?

(10:12) My favorite color

(10:12) and fatty tuna

(10:13) I really like fatty tuna

(10:14) but I actually love whatever my brother cooks 

(10:14) Don’t tell him that 

(10:18) good

(10:19) good good GOOD!!!

(10:24) You seem so enthusiastic. 

(10:27) Well

(10:27) It's kind of nice to discover things about you

(10:28) They make you more real

(10:34) Why, do you think I'm not real? 

(10:35) I mean, I totally get you, it's hard to believe that such a perfect person like me really exists

(10:35) But what can I say, you were lucky to be born in this timeline <3

(10:38) Ha-ha. I'm just saying I've never seen you and I don't even know your name, so my idea of you is very - I don't know, very vague, in some ways? 

(10:39) And these little things give you a more detailed shape. Like, you become more colorful in my head!

(10:41) I see

(10:42) You know, I can tell you my name

(10:42) If you want to

(10:43) What?

(10:43) are you sure?

(10:44) Yeah, I mean, why not

(10:44) we’ve been texting each other for two weeks now

(10:45) I’d like to stop being the ‘wrong number guy’ 

(10:45) I don’t wanna be ‘pain in the ass guy’ either (I still haven't forgiven you, for that)

(10:46) Shouyou.

(10:46) It’s my name.

(10:47) But don’t feel obligated to tell me yours

(10:47) Atsumu

(10:47) Then nice to meet you, Atsumu-san! :)

(10:47) ahem

(10:47) do not

(10:48) I HAVE A NAME

(10:48) DO YOU WANNA KNOW HIS NAME

(10:49) Do I have the option to refuse?

(10:50) NOPE <3

(10:50) IT’S SHOUYOU

(10:51) SHOUYOU-KUN

(10:51) IT SOUNDS

(10:52) FUCKING DELICIOUS 

(10:53) Atsumu and Shouyou, Shouyou and Atsumu. 

(10:53) Hey, they actually sound good together!

(10:55) Rin, don't encourage him.

(10:56) But look how happy he is! He’s like a big stupid puppy!

(10:58) Fine. I'll bake a cake.

(10:59) I love you

(10:59) I love you

(11:00) -.-

Chapter Text

Monday AM

(07:11) HE HAS A DATE

(07:13) Who?

(07:14) MY BROTHER

(07:14) With his food-loving crush

(07:16) OOH, I’m so happy for him! How did it happen?

(07:18) Good question. I have no idea

(07:19) Yesterday Samu made a cake with blueberries and chocolate and was so delighted with the result that he gathered the courage to ask him out

(07:20) basically the moment he tasted it he started screaming about the fugacity of life and how every moment is meaningful and should be grasped

(07:21) then he stood on the chair and recited OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN !!!

(07:21) SEIZE THE DAY, BOYS

(07:22) Exactly

(07:24) NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY TELLS YOU, WORDS AND IDEAS CAN CHANGE THE WORLD! 

(07:25) I shouldn't have opened this door

(07:26) MAKE YOUR LIVES EXTRAORDINARY

(07:27) my life is already extraordinary. And so am I 

(08:33) well, mine was coming to an end

(08:34) I almost died

(08:39) wdym? what happened?

(08:45) I fell off my bicycle on the way to school and a car almost hit me! 

(08:46) First your sister, then you. Seriously man, what's wrong with your family?

(08:47) Just, don't ride the bicycle anymore. You’ll both get yourselves killed, sooner or later

(08:47) I mean, just walk

(08:55) We live on top of a mountain. We can’t just walk

(08:58) This might shock you, but there’s a thing called public transportation.

(09:15) yeah but I train by riding my bicycle! It's all calculated, have faith in me 

(09:16) I admire your willpower, but muscles are not very useful if you’re a corpse.

(09:17) How cute, are you worried about me? You’re so sweet, Atsumu-san <3 

(09:18) You-

(09:18) This is playing dirty

(09:20) <3

(09:20) I got a math test

(09:20) talk to you later!

(09:21) You’ll never hear from me again

(09:21) What’s wrong with your brother?

(09:21) HIT HIM, SUNA

(09:21) KICK HIS ASS

(09:22) OR I’LL THROW UP ON YOUR NECK

(09:23) Osamu that’s disgusting

(09:24) ATSUMU IS DISGUSTING

(09:25) btw, today is the big day

(09:27) Wasn't the date with Keiji on saturday?

(09:30) I'm not referring to the date

(09:30) I'm texting this “Shouyou”

(09:30) tonight

(09:31) and you will help me

(09:33) Wait, what? What do you mean?

(09:34) Take Atsumu out tonight. Distract him, so I can investigate freely

(09:35) Make him watch a romantic movie so he'll be too invested in the love story to sense with his telepathy that I'm doing something sinister  

(09:37) Osamu for fuck’s sake do you think you’ve turned into Professor Layton?

(09:38) YOU BETCHA. HERSHEL BIG DICK LAYTON IS BACK IN TOWN. I WILL SOLVE THIS MYSTERY AND SAVE THE WORLD.

(09:40) Osamu, this is incredibly stupid

(09:45) idc

(09:45) Please

(09:45) I'll bake you three cakes a week for a month

(09:46) For TWO

(09:47) deal

(11:08) I’ve done the math test

(11:25) How did it go? 

(11:30) Honestly, I wish the car had hit me this morning. I wrote spells, not mathematical formulas.

(11:32) Ha! serves you right

(11:34) :(

(11:35) My teacher said I won't be able to participate in combined practice with other schools if my grades don't improve!

(11:37) Well, that really sucks

(11:40) I know! I hate school

(11:41) You hate every single subject?

(11:42) Yeah, I hate studying in general

(11:43) My ability to concentrate lasts for like thirty seconds, after which I either get very sleepy or very anxious.

(11:43) It's quite annoying

(11:44) I mean, I’d love to be smart and have good grades, it's just that I can’t

(11:44) Although if I study with my friends, it goes a little better.

(11:45) What about you? Your grades are good?

(11:45) Wait, don't tell me, I’m gonna guess: your grades are phenomenal.

(11:48) Well, uh, not to brag but yeah. I’m quite smart.

(11:48) I mean, scholastically speaking.

(11:50) Quite smart? That’s it? You’re not going to tell me that you’re the best of the best

(11:50) OF THE BEST

(11:51) Quit it

(11:51) OF THE BESSSTTT

(11:51) HEY

(11:52) I’m sorry

(11:53) I could say that if I wanted to, but I’ll spare you bc I don’t wanna make you miserable

(11:53) Btw, I really like math. Actually, it’s one of my favorite subjects.

(11:55) I knew I shouldn’t trust you. You’re definitely a serial killer 

(11:57) not yet, but I’m open to any future path

(11:57) No, look

(11:58) I mean, what I’m trying to say is that if you don’t understand something, you can always ask me. 

(11:59) Happy to help

(12:00) Really? You’d help me with math?

(12:02) Yeah, or with physics or history or whatever. Just ask

(12:03) So you do worry about me, Atsumu-san <3

(12:04) NOT agAIN 

(12:05) sorry, sorry!

(12:05) But seriously: thank you, you’re very sweet

(12:06) also, the same goes for you: I might not be good at school, but if I can help you in any way I absolutely will! Just ask!

(12:08) Good

(12:08) Good good good

(12:10) I have to put my phone away. Talk to you after practice 

(12:12) Sure! 

(12:12) Look at Atsumu

(12:13) No

(12:13) I’ve never seen him so happy

(12:13) I think he's turning into a labrador

(12:14) I don't want to see I don't want to hear I don't wanna perceive him I just want to pretend he doesn't exist

(12:14) Osamu, your brother is golden. He looks like one of the Buddha statues!

(12:15) This love story is a miracle

(12:15) This love story is a goddamn disgrace

(12:16) Fuck you both

MONDAY PM

(07:15) Are you ready to activate the plan?

(07:17) It’s not a plan. It's the dumbest idea you've ever had. 

(07:18) Think about the cakes.

(07:20) That's the only reason why I'm helping you

(07:21) I’m so grateful you’re my friend, Rin

(07:22) not sure I can say the same

(07:49) How did practice go?

(07:52) As splendid as always

(07:52) How about you

(07:53) Very good! My receives are improving! Even though bakayama keeps scaring me

(07:54) Bakayama?

(07:55) our tyrannical setter

(07:56) How cute, did you give each other pet names?

(07:58) It's an insult

(08:00) yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that 

(08:02) oh my god, why don't you believe me?

(08:03) cause you two sound very similar to naruto and sasuke

(08:04) a rivals-to-soulmates kind of thing

(08:06) obsessed with each other etc etc

(08:07) WELL, YOU’RE WRONG ETC ETC

(08:07) Actually, we're kind of obsessed. He’s objectively a phenomenon. But WITHOUT the romantic part

(08:10) There are no naruto and sasuke without the romantic part.

(08:11) IN FACT WE ARE NOT NARUTO AND SASUKE

(08:14) sometimes you’re unbearable, I hope you know that

(08:15) yeah, I get that a lot, but at least I have my own fan club

(08:17) no way. you’re lying.

(08:18) I swear. It's actually quite annoying. The girls make too much noise.

(08:18) I hate you

(08:19) I get that a lot, too.

(08:19) I have to go now. Suna invited me to see a movie.

(08:20) Suna?

(08:20) A friend of mine. He’s also in my fan club. Actually, he’s the one who founded it.

(08:21) We ordered pizza

(08:21) And I think he wants to see Call me by your name for the 30th time

(08:22) Good, have fun on your date

(08:22) ha-ha.

(08:55) The movie has started. Atsumu is already crying. All clear.

(08:56) Thanks Rin love of my life 

(08:56) Hi, is this Shouyou?

(08:57) Hi! Yeah it’s me

(08:57) Who are you?

(08:58) Osamu

(08:58) Atsumu-san’s brother?

(08:59) How do you–

(08:59) Did that asshole also give you his home address and social security number?

(09:00) What? Oh, no, he never revealed any personal information to me, nor did I ever ask for it!

(09:01) I mean, I just know his first name. And yours, too. 

(09:01) But why are you texting me? Did something happen? 

(09:02) No, no, uh

(09:02) I just wanted to say hi

(09:03) oh, uhm

(09:03) hi?

(09:03) Not gonna lie, this feels a little awkward

(09:04) Yeah, you’re right 

(09:05) Truth is, I'm a bit worried cause it's full of dickheads online trying to steal data or who knows what else

(09:06) and honestly my brother is a dumb fucker, so I wanted to make sure that you were really just a 16-year-old boy

(09:08) yeah, no, I understand that

(09:10) Okay, so, so do you like Mario kart?

(09:11) Is that how you're going to make sure I'm 16? By asking me if I like Mario Kart?

(09:13) Well, I don't have a lot of options. It's not like I can ask you to send me a selfie. I mean, you could send me the first face of a boy you find on the internet, plus I'd have to do the same for parity and I still don't trust you enough. 

(09:14) I really like Mario kart

(09:15) Great. Favorite track?

(09:15) Rainbow road

(09:15) You’re lying

(09:15) Everyone hates that track. You're lying, or you're a psychopath. 

(09:16) That’s exactly why I love it, bc everyone sucks at it and I almost always win

(09:16) My sister beats me sometimes, though

(09:17) What about you? What’s your favorite one?

(09:17) Wario’s gold mine

(09:17) Now you’re the one who’s lying

(09:18) What? Why?

(09:18) Wario’s gold mine is like– the worst track ever created. It’s incredibly difficult

(09:19) YOUR FAVORITE TRACK IS RAINBOW ROAD, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK

(09:20) Well, at least it has beautiful colors! Wario’s one is just difficult!

(09:21) whatever

(09:21) favorite superhero? 

(09:22) Zoro

(09:22) he’s a pirate, not a superhero

(09:23) Zoro

(09:24) But

(09:25) HE’S A SUPERHERO TO ME

(09:25) HE SAVED MY LIFE OKAY

(09:25) I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING

(09:26) OMG OKAY I’M SORRY I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS

(09:27) It’s okay. Wanna see my collection of action figures?

(09:28) Yeah, why not

(09:29) [image sent]

(09:29) [image received]

(09:29) WOAH

(09:30) it’s like, bigger than my cookbook collection

(09:31) Cookbook collection? I wanna see it!

(09:32) [image sent]

(09:32) [image received]

(09:33) Holy crap

(09:33) It’s huge! And you read all of those books?!

(09:34) Most of them

(09:35) omg, you’re amazing!!!

(09:36) Well

(09:36) I mean

(09:36) Uh

(09:36) thanks

(09:37) I’m starting to understand why my brother likes to text you

(09:38) Yeah, he definitely has a weakness for compliments, doesn't he?

(09:38) But it's okay, I think Atsumu-san is cool! And I find his jokes very funny

(09:39) You’re the first to appreciate them. And you'll probably be the last, too

(09:40) My sister finds them funny as well!

(09:41) Then there’s something wrong with your family. Glad Tsumu found you, though. At least I don't have to hear his stupid jokes about birds at breakfast anymore.

(09:41) One more question

(09:41) favorite food?

(09:42) tamago kake gohan, but I really like meat buns as well! Yours?

(09:43) Onigiri. Mark my words: someday I’ll make the world’s finest onigiri

(09:44) Can’t wait to eat them all! 

(09:45) Okay, you passed the test. But I'm keeping a close eye on you.

(09:45) Now please don't say anything to my brother about this conversation. Otherwise, he will kill me for sure. 

(09:46) Noooo, I already told him!

(09:46) I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was a secret!

(09:47) FUCK

(09:47) I AM DEAD

(09:47) ABORT THE PLAN

(09:47) ABORT THE PLAN

(09:48) SUNA, HE KNOWS

(09:32) your brother texted me! he seems very nice! 

(09:50) what? 

(09:50) I DIDN’T KNOW YOU DIDN’T KNOW please don’t kill him his intentions were good T_T

(09:50) SAMU, HE’S COMING

(09:50) RUN, SAMU

(09:51) RUUUUUUUUUUUN !!!

(09:52) RIN LET ME hide in your house PLS

(09:53) No fucking way, I'm going to sleep. Have a good death

TUESDAY AM

(08:16) I really hope you didn't kill your brother.

(08:19) I only spared his life cause that's what great people do. And also bc I can't wait for him to screw up his date on saturday.

(08:19) Still, it will cost him. 

(08:20) he’ll have to make me bento for six months, breakfast for a whole year, and ōtoro at least once a week (haven't decided for how long yet)

(08:25) That seems like a very severe punishment

(08:27) Yeah, well, he asked for it. I can’t believe he texted you

(08:28) He did it because he cares about you!

(08:29) I get that, but I'm not a child. This is something my mother would have done. And brothers don't do what parents would do. It's like, the biggest betrayal

(08:29) Anyway, great to know that I won't have to deal with lunch and breakfast anymore

(08:30) I want someone to make me bentō too :( 

(08:30) I can ask my brother. And then I could throw the bentō to you like a paper airplane

(08:34) Oh my god, a paper bentō flying across Japan. That’s very poetic!

(08:35) Yeah, I’m great with poems

(08:35) Handsome, divine sense of humor, and also stunningly smart with metaphors. The world is so lucky. 

(08:35) And you’re also lucky since you’ve been born in the same timeline as me.

(08:36) Yeah yeah I feel blessed every day

(08:36) So, uh

(08:36) Did you watch the movie yesterday? 

(08:37) With Suna? Yeah, but like, only an hour of it. Bc then I read your message and ran home to kill my brother.

(08:40) You’re going to see the rest of it tonight? 

(08:43) Nah, I don't think so. Why?

(08:43) Bc I was thinking we could watch a movie together

(08:43) I mean, if you don’t have anything else to do

(08:43) like last time, when we saw howl's moving castle

(08:45) sounds great to me, Shouyou-kun <3

(08:47) YEah OKAYY GOOD GOOD GOOD 

(08:48) NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’VE GOT A PHYSICS CLASS TO ATTEND

(08:49) suuure

(08:50) Talk to you later, sunshine

(08:50) STOP

(12:39) Hi again 

(12:39) Physics class was awful, I need to laugh

(12:40) dw, I got you

(12:40) It's my time to shine

(12:40) DRUMROLL, PLEASE

(12:40) *Drumrolls enthusiastically*

(12:40) Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

(12:41) No?

(12:41) He pasta-way!!!

(12:42) Hilarious!

(12:43) I know, right?

(12:44) Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

(12:45) No?

(12:45) He won the “no-bell” prize!!!

(12:46) So smart!

(12:47) I know, right???

(12:48) Last one

(12:48) Do you know what a claustrophobic astronaut needs?

(12:49) Some space!!!

(12:49) SPACE!!! BC HE’S AN ASTRONAUT!!!

(12:50) WOW

(12:50) Atsumu-san, you’re so clever! Your jokes are the coolest!!!

(12:50) Thank you, I feel way better!

(12:55) Happy to hear that, and remember that I can always punch your teacher if my jokes don’t work

(12:55) my fist is steel

(13:02) I don’t doubt it

(13:02) But I don't think it's a wise idea 

(13:02) I mean, we’d be kicked out of the volleyball club immediately

(13:03) we could start our /own/ volleyball club

(13:05) first rule of the volleyball club: you do not talk about the volleyball club

(13:07) Exactly

(13:07) who knows, maybe one day we will play on the same team for real

(13:08) that would be so cool!

(13:10) yeah, I know

(13:10) lunch break is over

(13:11) Talk to you later, I can't use my phone during art history bc I have to take notes

(13:13) I hate art history

(13:13) Have fun in hell <3

TUESDAY PM

(08:12) Kiyoko-san asked me if you have a girlfriend

(08:12) or a boyfriend 

(08:13) WHAT???

(08:13) Yachi-san, why T_T

(08:14) You kept looking at your phone and smiling during lunch break

(08:15) That’s bc Atsumu-san was telling me about the knock-knock joke!

(08:17) The what?

(08:18) The guy who invented the knock-knock joke

(08:18) He won the “no-bell” prize

(08:18) C'mon, it's hilarious!

(08:20) ...

(08:20) His sense of humor is definitely peculiar

(08:22) He's so funny

(08:22) Wait, what did you say to Kiyoko-san? 

(08:27) That I don’t know

(08:28) But you know!

(08:29) I’m not so sure about that anymore. I mean, Atsumu-san? Since when do you call him by his first name?

(08:30) Since Sunday…

(08:35) That’s very sweet :)

(08:37) We're about to enter dangerous territory, aren’t we? 

(08:38) I wouldn’t call it dangerous, it’s just that– Hinata-kun, do you like him?  

(08:40) I- uh-

(08:41) We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. 

(08:42) It's not that I don't want to talk about it, it's just that– I don’t know, having feelings for a person I’ve never even met seems so stupid and weird!

(08:43) I don’t think it’s weird at all. You’re allowed to like him. 

(08:44) Especially if he made you laugh after physics class

(08:45) Who wouldn't have laughed at the no-bell prize???

(08:46) … Right.

(08:47) I just want you to know that you can count on me. You don't have to be ashamed of how you feel, because as long as it makes you happy, it can't be wrong.

(08:48) Yachi-san

(08:48) You're an angel

(08:50) I won't be so angelic when I help you with the physics exercises tomorrow :)

(08:51) Yachi-san… scary… I love you

(08:52) <3

(09:09) When’s your birthday? 

(09:10) Atsumu-san, hi! 

(09:10) June 21

(09:10) Yours?

(09:11) October 5

(09:11) Zodiac sign?

(09:12) Cancer

(09:12) Yours?

(09:13) Libra

(09:14) Cool! I mean, I know nothing about the horoscope, but super cool!

(09:14) Neither do I. It's witchcraft to me. 

(09:15) So

(09:15) Wanna watch a movie?

(09:16) Of course !!!

(09:16) I'm waiting for Samu to give me the laptop.

(09:16) He’s watching videos on how to perfectly slice salmon

(09:17) He made me ōtoro today

(09:17) It was fucking delicious.

(09:17) What did you have for dinner?

(09:18) Mum cooked Hijiki rice and shiozake

(09:18) They tasted so

(09:18) GUWAAAAA

(09:18) I mean like

(09:18) WAAAAGAAAAAAHHHHH

(09:18) Everything was excellent

(09:19) We’re fortunate to always eat delicious things

(09:20) True

(09:20) What movie do you wanna see? 

(09:21) I’d like to see another one by Studio Ghibli! Is that okay?

(09:22) I never say no to a Studio Ghibli movie

(09:23) Great! How about Kiki delivery service? 

(09:23) Omg I love that movie!

(09:23) I love the setting

(09:23) AND JIJI

(09:23) Okay Samu is finally giving me the laptop

(09:25) whenever you’re ready

(09:27) I’m ready

(09:28) then let’s break the world

(11:10) Everything feels so soft and warm

(11:12) Yeah, ghibli movies work wonders. Everything looks so bright and comfortable afterward.

(11:12) Also, JIJI

(11:12) I’m so happy for him

(11:12) If I ever have a cat, I’ll name him Jiji.

(11:13) I love cats. I’ll name mine Zoro. 

(11:14) Zoro?

(11:15) Yeah, I'm obsessed with him! I talked to your brother about that. I even showed him my action figure collection!

(11:15) Let me get this straight

(11:15) you showed your collection to my brother and not to me?

(11:16) I’m sorry

(11:16) :( 

(11:19) Here it is!

(11:19) [image sent]

(11:19) [image received]

(11:25) Atsumu-san :( 

(11:26) fuck, it’s huge

(11:26) yeah, basically my whole room is reserved for Zoro and I’m the intruder.

(11:27) My phone’s camera sucks, though. You should see it in person, the colors are much more vibrant! 

(11:27) In person?

(11:27) Shouyou-kun, are you asking me to come to your house?

(11:28) You know what, maybe I am

(11:28) (and just in case you were wondering: I'm specifically asking you, not your brother)

(11:29) Cool

(11:29) That’s very very very cool

(11:29) And thanks for making that clear, my self-confidence desperately needed that

(11:30) No problem

(11:30) I’m going to sleep, night!

(11:31) G’night, Shouyou-kun

(11:32) I think

(11:32) Very unlikely

(11:32) No, listen to me

(11:32) Uh

(11:32) I’m pretty sure he asked me out?

(11:33) What? 

(11:33) You’re lying

(11:34) He literally asked me to go to his house to see his collection of Zoro action figures

(11:34) Woah. You’re not lying

(11:34) Maybe it’s a pretext to kill you and resell your organs on the black market

(11:34) He’d do me a favor

(11:35) Thanks, Samu. I’m so relieved now. 

(11:35) Sorry. It’s just I'm very nervous about my date.

(11:35) No need to be nervous, it’ll be just fine. You and Keiji-kun are basically soulmates.

(11:36) You’ll talk about food and by the end of the date you’ll come up with your wedding menu.

(11:36) Maybe when you come home you won't even be a virgin anymore!

(11:37) ATSUMU

(11:37) DON’T KICK ME ASSHOLE

(11:37) I’LL BLOW UP YOUR BALLS

(11:38) Oh man

(11:38) I'm happy for you but I'm so envious 

(11:39) I mean, Osamu has a date with Keiji. Atsumu has a date with Shouyou.  

(11:39) Rin, tsumu has never even seen him

(11:39) Yeah, but Atsumu made more progress with Shouyou in three weeks than you did with Keiji in two years. 

(11:40) BOOOOOM

(11:40) SUNA, MY MAN

(11:40) LET ME KISS YOUR BEAUTIFUL MOUTH

(11:41) Ouch

(11:41) Rin I didn’t expect that one day I’d be stabbed in the back by you

(11:42) This is the beginning of my villain era

(11:42) Still

(11:42) I feel left behind

(11:42) I have to ask someone out

(11:42) Maybe Kita-san

(11:43) Over our dead bodies, Suna

(11:43) Kita-san is untouchable. Kita-san is the love that everyone wants but no one will ever have.

(11:44) I think Aran is on the right track, though. 

(11:44) I thought I was the only one who noticed!

(11:44) There’s definitely something going on between them. I can smell it. 

(11:44) What are you talking about?

(11:45) You were too busy to flirt with your friend, but something is happening. They seem more– intimate.

(11:45) Oh my god

(11:45) Kita and Aran?

(11:45) Oh my god

(11:45) KITA AND ARAN?

(11:46) Sorry, Rin. I have to go. Tsumu burst into tears

(11:47) I’m jyst swo happy for them,,.. so happy,,,, 

(11:48) IT’S NOT EVEN CONFIRMED, IT’S JUST AN IMPRESSION

(11:49) Swo happy,,, love is beautiful love is amazing love is what makes life truly unique and I mean all kinds of love PLEASE I IMPLORE YOU TO LOVE WITH ALL YOUR HEARTS DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SPLITTING YOUR LUNGS AND BONES, PLEASE REACH OUT YOUR HANDS BC SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL GRAB THEM

(11:50) Samu kill him

(11:50) already in the kitchen getting the sharpest knife. 

(11:50) shit, he's in the kitchen fr

(11:50) I’ve seen way too many videos on how to slice salmon. Can't wait to test my new skills on you :) 

(11:51) Goodbye Tsumu

WEDNESDAY AM 

(06:59) Wanna see something that will change your life forever?

(07:03) Yes please, give some light to this sad Wednesday morning. 

(07:03) I’m exhausted, last night my brother almost killed me by slicing me like a salmon.

(07:04) What the hell?

(07:04) Wait, no, I don't want to know. 

(07:04) Okay, hold on tight. Better if you sit down, it might be shocking.

(07:05) [image sent]

(07:05) [image received]

(07:05) Is that

(07:05) Yes.

(07:06) IS THAT

(07:06) YES.

(07:06) IS THAT A FLOWER 

(07:07) COCKTUS HAS BLOSSOMED?

(07:07) Unbelievable, isn't it? Look how happy he is! Stupid me for thinking that he would die after only three days!

(07.08) Oh my god. Our child, all grown up. I’m so proud of him.

(07:08) I think we’re doing great as parents. Cocktus knows we love him!

(07:09) He’s the most beautiful cactus I’ve ever seen. I’ll never get tired of saying this. 

(07.09) Give him a kiss from me. 

(07:10) Uh, I think I'll skip this part cause I don't want thorns in my mouth, but I'll blow it to him!

(07:10) Very smart

(07:11) Also, Shouyou-kun? 

(07:11) Yes?

(07:11) Be careful on your bicycle

(07:12) <3 

(08:12) safe and sound?

(08:20) Yeah, I got to school five minutes ago

(08:21) Cars avoided me today

(08:22) Now I’m ready to be crushed by physics and math

(08:23) knock ‘em dead, tiger

(10:01) Did something good happen? 

(10:01) You seemed thrilled this morning!

(10:06) Yachi-san, my cactus blossomed!

(10:06) [image sent]

(10:06) [image received]

(10:07) Oh, congratulations! It’s beautiful!

(10:08) And, uh

(10:08) And I might have asked him out 

(10:08) Emphasis on /might/

(10:09) What?

(10:09) Yesterday I showed him my action figure collection and since my camera sucks I told him he should see it in person. 

(10:10) Oh my god, what did he reply? 

(10:10) He said: cool. that’s very very very cool

(10:11) Did he repeat very three times?

(10:11) Yep. That’s a good sign, right?

(10:11) Absolutely. Happy for you!

(10:12) Now I’m ready to defeat the two-hour math class or die trying

(10:13) Don’t die, the team needs you :) 

(10:14) Yachi-san I LOVE YOU

WEDNESDAY PM

(09:02) Hey, random question

(09:02) Do your friends know about me?

(09:04) Yeah, they do! It was quite hard to hide it since I use my phone all the time

(09:05) And what do they think? About all of this

(09:07) Well, they were a little angry at first. They feared that you were a middle-aged man preying on me.

(09:07) Yeah, I get that

(09:08) But it's different now! I think they’re still wary, but at least they don't try to change my mind anymore!

(09:08) Also, I always tell your jokes. They don't laugh outright, but I know deep down they find them splendid. 

(09:08) What about your friends? Do they know about me? 

(09:10) Yeah. Suna and Samu are the ones who know the most, though. Samu is still angry with me cause he thinks this whole situation is stupid and dangerous. But Suna really likes you!

(09:11) You’re a kind of mythological animal to him. He can’t believe there’s a human being who actually enjoys my personality. 

(09:13) Why? You’re funny, smart, and kind. 

(09:13) I really like talking to you. You’re super cool!

(09:39) Atsumu-san?

(09:40) I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I’m– uh, too surprised, I guess? 

(09:41) Just take the compliment

(09:41) Also, you’re a bit stupid. But I like that in a man

(09:42) You were doing so well

(09:43) There’s always something that spoils everything

(09:43) And what do you think? About all of this?

(09:44) I’m just– I’m kind of glad? I mean, you’re the first person who finds me amusing. And that means a lot to me

(09:44) I’m ready to beat the shit out of anyone who bothers you. Your enemies are now my enemies. My fists are ready. 

(09:44) You can consider me as your bodyguard. You don’t even have to pay me.

(09:45) Wonderful, I feel much safer now

(09:45) Actually, I could use your help to go to the bathroom. 

(09:46) Is this one of the worst attempts at flirting I’ve ever seen, or...?

(09:47) NO, I’M SERIOUS

(09:47) Every time I go to the bathroom I meet terrifying people, especially during tournaments. It’s a curse!

(09:47) And I try to fight them back with pride, but they’re usually twice as tall as me and they outnumber me.

(09:47) So yeah, a little support would be useful.

(09:48) Deal. At the next tournament, whenever you need to go somewhere, just give me a call and I’ll escort you to your destination

(09:48) We'll probably be chased by my fan club but whatever

(09:50) Being chased by a horde of fans at age 16. You’re unbelievable. 

(09:51) <3 

(09:51) Tsumu, why are you grinning so much? 

(09:52) Did you know that your brother is funny, smart, kind and cool?

(09:52) Was it your boyfriend who told you all this? Anyway, yeah, I did know

(09:53) He’s not my boyfriend

(09:53) Wait, what?

(09:54) I know you’re funny, smart, etc etc

(09:54) You’re the best

(09:55) Do you need any favors?

(09:55) I'm serious, Tsumu. I love you. 

(09:55) OH C’MON DON’T START CRYING

Chapter Text

Thursday AM

(09:12) Hi. I’m bored and tired

(09:12) Therefore I’ll ask some questions to make my morning less boring and tiring

(09:15) Go ahead. I’ll be your coffee. I’ll brighten your day. There will be so much light that your pupils will burn. You’ll suffer excruciatingly.

(09:15) Thank you but it’s not necessary, really.

(09:15) So.

(09:15) Favorite animal?

(09:17) I think– foxes? Wolves? I like animals that growl. Animals that growl are cool 

(09:17) How about you?

(09:20) I like crows. And owls. And animals that can fly in general.

(09:21) So you also like pigeons and flies

(09:22) Well– I guess. I prefer birds a little more intimidating, though.

(09:23) Pigeons can be very intimidating. Don’t mess with pigeons. Apologize to the pigeons.

(09:23) Pigeons, please, forgive my insolence, you’re the most threatening birds on the face of the planet!

(09:24) Pigeons don’t want to forgive you.

(09:25) Then screw the pigeons. Favorite flower?

(09:28) You can be rude at times. I like that.

(09:28) Flower? I don’t know. 

(09:28) Maybe the sunflower. It's yellow and glittering and it looks like me.

(09:28) And the way it turns its head to look at the sun is fascinating

(09:30) I agree, it’s very charming! 

(09:30) Who’s your favorite volleyball player?

(09:33) Setters.

(09:36) Yeah, I imagined that, I meant someone more specific!

(09:37) Skilled setters.

(09:38) Yeah, but–

(09:38) Never mind.

(09:40) Who’s your favorite?

(09:41) I think Romero is one of my favorites

(09:41) The sound the ball makes when Romero hits it! My stomach goes crazy, and my sister adores him as well!

(09:41) I want to become that impressive one day.

(09:41) I want to become even better!

(09:45) You’re going to need an excellent setter, then.

(09:45) Bc spikers' skills are either limited or emphasized by the setter, yknow. 

(09:45) You can be as talented as you want, but if the setter sucks, your team isn’t going anywhere. 

(09:46) A good setter will set the ball where there are no middle blockers. A good setter will set the ball higher and faster. And at that point, the opposing team won't be able to stop you, even if your spike isn't that powerful.

(09:47) That’s how crucial the setter’s role is. Setters are basically the directors of the entire match!

(09:50) Oh my god. You’re obsessed. 

(09:51) I don't wanna hear that from you.

(09:52) But you’re so passionate about your role

(09:52) I really like that

(09:53) Thanks, sunshine

(09:55) Add passionate to the endless list of my qualities

(09:56) Sure. 

(09:56) Passionate about being a dickhead. 

(09:57) Passionate about being a lying, manipulative, selfish narcissist.

(09:58) At least one person in this world can see beyond appearances.

(09:58) At least someone understood that behind my stratospheric beauty lies a heart of gold.

(09:59) Behind your stratospheric beauty lies a rancid ass.

(10:00) I think you need to remember who’s going to lend you clothes for your hopeless date on Saturday.

(10:01) I can hit your empty head with a frying pan, knock you out and steal them from the closet.

(10:02) But you wouldn't know how to match them

(10:02) He’s right

(10:03) Rin, remind me whose side you're on.

(10:03) Yours. Always on yours. But it’s true that your outfits look like shit. You always look so– so old. 

(10:04) I hope Keiji-kun is more interested in my personality than in the clothes I wear.

(10:05) KEIJI-KUN?

(10:05) SINCE WHEN DO YOU CALL HIM KEIJI-KUN

(10:05) I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD LAUGH OR VOMIT

(10:06) Shut up Tsumu

(10:06) You call your friend “sunshine” and you’ve never even seen him!

(10:07) How do you know that?

(10:08) It's not my fault if you text him every hour of the day!

(10:08) I’ll meet him! One day, I’ll meet him. And you’ll be so jealous!

(10:09) I bet you’ll traumatize him first.

(10:10) Fuck you, Suna. Fuck you and the pigeons.

(10:11) Pigeons? What’s wrong with pigeons?

(10:11) Wait. I don’t wanna know.

(10:11) Not to spoil this bonding moment btw, but I think the teacher is about to kill us.

(10:11) I see murder in her eyes.

(10:11) She’s coming towards us

(10:11) No, wait. I think she’s coming towards Tsumu

(10:12) ABORT THE PLAN. ABORT THE PLAN. HIDE ALL THE EVIDENC–

(10:12) Bye Tsumu :P 

Thursday PM

(10:55) Hi

(10:55) I’ll probably die soon.

(10:55) Or I’ll commit murder. Either way, I don't think we’ll be able to meet.

(10:56) What’s happening? 

(10:57) My brother. 

(10:57) He's driving me crazy!

(10:57) He's choosing what to wear for his date on Saturday. But believe me, we've been standing in front of the closet for more than four hours

(10:57) Four fucking hours!!! 

(10:58) I've been showing him all kinds of outfits 

(10:58) I even matched the shoes

(10:58) Yet he doesn't like anything! This is too elegant, he says, this is too sporty, this is for a businessman who just declared bankruptcy, this is for a clown.

(10:58) SAMU, YOU’RE THE ONLY CLOWN HERE! YOU CAN’T EVEN DRESS YOURSELF!

(10:58) Oh no

(11:00) What?

(11:01) Samu wants to wear a stupid frog shirt

(11:01) Four hours have passed, and he wants to wear a frog shirt

(11:03) For your sanity, let him wear his frog shirt

(11:03) Over my dead body

(11:03) It took two years for this date. I won’t let him screw everything up.

(11:04) I like frogs, though

(11:04) Didn’t you like birds?

(11:04) Yeah, birds are my favorite, but frogs are also cute! They’re colorful, and bizarre.

(11:04) You know, they can even be lethal!

(11:05) What?

(11:06) Yeah! There’s this frog called the golden frog. Its poison can kill you!

(11:06) It paralyzes your muscles first, then it kills you.

(11:07) My muscles would never be paralyzed by a frog

(11:07) My muscles are strong

(11:08) And yet!

(11:08) I don’t believe you. Frogs are way too small. 

(11:08) They measure what, three centimeters?

(11:08) Like Samu’s dick. 

(11:09) Didn't you tell me that you and Osamu are identical?

(11:10) Now I'm going to jump from the tenth floor

(11:10) Still

(11:10) Frogs are too small. They can’t kill a man.

(11:11) Appearances are deceiving!

(11:12) Oh. I get it now. You like deadly frogs because you also consider yourself small but lethal.

(11:13) OH, WOW

(11:13) I hadn't thought of that! You’re a genius! 

(11:13) From now on, call me Golden Poison Dart Frog.

(11:15) Sure

(11:15) My dick is longer than a frog, btw. 

(11:16) Sure

(11:18) We still haven't found a proper outfit

(11:19) This is so sweet. He cares a lot about this date! 

(11:19) He cares too much. He thinks he’s found the love of his life. 

(11:20) Have you ever found it?

(11:20) What?

(11:20) The love of your life. I mean, have you ever been in love? 

(11:21) Nah. I kissed some people, but I felt normal every single time. It was never anything special. No butterflies in the stomach, no fireworks.

(11:21) You?

(11:22) I never wanted to kiss someone, actually. I just think about volleyball!

(11:22) Butterflies in the stomach, fireworks… I only feel those on the court!

(11:23) Exactly! I feel the same!!!

(11:24) Too bad for your fan club

(11:24) They can all die from frog poisoning, for what I care

(11:24) You’re the worst

(11:25) Yeah yeah

(11:26) I’m going to sleep. Goodnight, Atsumu-san!

(11:30) If I didn't have a psychopathic brother I could go to sleep too.

(11:30) The world indeed challenges the strongest

(11:30) Night, Shouyou-kun

Friday AM

(08:30) I don't want to dent your self-esteem, but you seem particularly drained today. 

(08:30) It's like someone hung you upside down and left you like this all night, saying: you suck as a setter, you suck as a setter, you suck as a setter

(08:31) Did Shouyou stop texting you back?

(08:31) Ha-ha. You think you’re funny? Because you have a long way to go

(08:31) Listen to this one

(08:33) Don’t

(08:35) I like elephants.

(08:35) Please don’t do this to me

(08:35) Everything else is irrelephant.

(08:35) ////irrelephant////

(08:36) You’re unbelievable

(08:37) Unbelievably sharp, I know.

(08:37) Anyway, no, it's not Shouyou's fault

(08:37) Samu the Asshole kept me up all night picking out clothes to wear tomorrow.

(08:38) He’s ridiculously sweet

(08:39) You think he’s ridiculously sweet, but when I tell or do something similar about Shouyou, I become ridiculously stupid.

(08:39) I don't think it's fair.

(08:40) You– 

(08:40) Fuck, you’re right

(08:40) Oh my god you’re right

(08:40) I'll never make fun of you again

(08:41) Finally.

(08:42) The situations are entirely different!!!

(08:43) Good morning Osamu

(08:43) Found something appropriate in your wardrobe?

(08:44) Only my desire to bite Tsumu's head off

(08:45) The desire is reciprocated. Look what you did to me! Look at my face!

(08:45) All my beauty, all my light… vanished into two huge dark circles! 

(08:47) Even your intelligence– oh no, wait a minute, you never had that. Thank god, one less thing to search for.

(08:48) I hope you get an attack of alien diarrhea tomorrow.

(08:48) Wait, even better, I hope the aliens come directly to pick you up and take you away forever to places where there’s no rice and where you cannot make onigiri

(08:50) Cut it out, you two. Pay attention to the lesson so you can explain it to me later.

(08:51) Don’t count on me. I'm going to take a beauty nap, hoping to get my charm back.

(08:53) Then who listens to the teacher?

(08:53) Osamu???

(08:53) I’m busy. I’m looking for alternative ways to cook tofu.

(08:53) He’s busy texting the love of his life

(08:54) Please don’t leave me alone in this

(08:54) GUYS

(08:55) Bye Suna

(08:55) Bye Suna

(08:56) Shining’s twins 

(09:01) Have you ever wanted to be a witch?

(09:02) Well, it’s not at the top of my wish list. Do you want to be one?

(09:02) Sort of. I’d like to make strange potions! 

(09:02) Like, a potion that allows you to converse with lizards. Or, a potion that makes snails sing!

(09:02) I also wanna have a big stinking cauldron and a purple book thick with potion recipes.

(09:03) You’d be a perfect witch. Children usually want to become firefighters, though.

(09:05) Do you want to be a firefighter?

(09:08) I wanna be the greatest setter in every universe. I’m already the hottest one, so I’m halfway there.

(09:08) But when I was a kid, I wanted to be a Formula 1 driver

(09:14) Woah, that’s so cool!

(09:16) I know. I was obsessed with big cars.

(09:16) And with their glossy colors 

(09:16) And their deep engine noise

(09:17) I have a bike, if you want. It’s so decrepit that its noise is very similar to the engine of a Ferrari.

(09:21) Maybe someday you'll give me a ride on it.

(09:21) Just, fix it a little bit. I don't want to die. And I don't want you to die either.

(09:22) I like it when you worry about me! <3

(09:23) Shut up

(09:24) I will, because I have an English test right now

(09:24) And it’s going to be a disaster

(09:25) Dw sunshine. I’ll take care of you later.

(09:25) Don’t tease!

(09:26) <3

(09:30) Weren't you supposed to take your beauty nap?

(09:31) Duty called

(09:32) If by duty you mean responding to Shouyou's messages…

(09:32) Aw, look at you, all red-faced!

(09:32) LEAVE ME ALONE

Friday PM

(08:47) Hey

(08:50) Hey

(08:50) SO

(08:50) It's Friday night

(08:51) I know sunshine

(08:51) Did your mom manage to get you drunk? 

(08:52) Against all odds, no. She baked a liquor cake, but I can't taste the alcohol at all. And Samu was in charge of cooking everything else, so I didn't risk drinking vodka instead of broth.

(08:52) Today will be a sober Friday, I guess

(08:53) How odd

(08:53) Not for me, though

(08:53) wdym

(08:54) I mean

(08:54) I’m a little drunk

(08:54) Confession time: mom's friend came to visit her, they drank and then went out.

(08:54) The bottle was left– well, unattended. 

(08:55) And it smelled funny. Not bad. Just, strangely funny. 

(08:55) And I wanted to try it. I didn't want to get drunk though, I just wanted to try it, but apparently that stuff was more potent than I thought, it was like–

(08:55) Like a magic potion!!! Oh my god, witches are real!!!

(08:55) Anyway, my head is a little foggy right now. And I hoped yours was foggy as well. But you’re boringly sober.

(08:56) I can growl, btw

(08:56) What?

(08:57) Yesterday you said you like animals that growl

(08:57) I’m good at growling 

(08:58) Oh, this is going to be a fantastic evening

(08:58) No, listen

(08:58) I show my teeth to people and then pull out the most fearsome growl in the universe

(08:59) Okay, Golden Poison Dart Fart.

(08:59) FROG

(09:00) Frog, sorry

(09:00) The thing is

(09:00) You’d definitely like me

(09:01) You sure about that?

(09:01) Absolutely

(09:01) GROOOWWLL

(09:01) Oh no

(09:01) GRRRRRROOOWLLL

(09:02) Shouyou-kun

(09:02) GROOOOOOOOWWWWWLLLL!!! GROOOOWWWLL!!!

(09:02) Shouyou-kun!

(09:02) Don't interrupt me

(09:02) I'm trying to scare you

(09:03) I’m scared, you did an incredible job

(09:03) Really?

(09:03) Really.

(09:04) Did I show you how fierce I am

(09:04) You did. I’m so impressed. 

(09:04) You’re a Tasmanian devil. Or a Jack Russell Terrier. Can't quite tell the difference.

(09:05) Cool

(09:05) Cool cool cool

(09:06) Hey

(09:06) Hey

(09:06) Hi

(09:06) Hi

(09:07) Tell me something

(09:07) Something like what?

(09:08) Something secret. Something you’ve never told anyone before. 

(09:08) Mmh. I think my brother might be a problem. He literally knows everything about me.

(09:09) Then tell me something that only you and your brother know

(09:09) You’ve already confessed to me that you’re a virgin, btw

(09:10) Oh shit, I forgot. More likely, my brain purposely forgot it so I wouldn't die of mortification.

(09:10) Anyway, I don’t carry many secrets with me, you know. Why don’t you tell me one?

(09:10) I already know you’re a virgin, too.

(09:11) Oh, fuck

(09:11) Mmh. You won’t tell a soul?

(09:11) I won’t

(09:11) Promise?

(09:12) Promise.

(09:12) Okay. I still sleep with stuffed animals.

(09:12) HAHAHA

(09:13) Don’t laugh. I consider them as my protection. As long as they are on my bed, nothing can hurt me while I sleep.

(09:13) It makes sense, and I won’t judge you.

(09:14) Thanks. Can I call you?

(09:14) What?

(09:15) Can I call you? I mean, on the phone?

(09:15) It’d be nice to hear your voice. I wanna see if you sound the way I imagined.

(09:20) Okay, it was a stupid request. I didn't mean to be intrusive

(09:47) I’m sorry

(10:09) Atsumu-san?

SATURDAY AM

(07:23) Hey, Samu

(07:23) How’s the trip going?

(07:25) Good

(07:25) I’m fine.

(07:25) Actually, I’m dying. I'm sweating too much. I need to throw up. 

(07:26) Remind me, where are you meeting?

(07:26) Nagoya

(07:26) I arrive in 45 minutes

(07:26) I’m dying

(07:26) Did I mention that I have to throw up?

(07:26) I have to throw up

(07:30) Don’t throw up

(07:31) Please, throw up. Your shirt sucks anyway.

(07:31) In fact, I think if you throw up on it you might just make it prettier.

(07:32) What shirt are you wearing?

(07:33) The one with frogs

(07:33) … why

(07:33) Because he wants to fuck everything up

(07:34) Don’t make me feel even worse

(07:34) Maybe I should remind you what happened last night

(07:35) What happened last night?

(07:35) I swear Samu if you say a word I'll take the first shinkansen and beat the crap out of you right in front of Akaashi

(07:35) You’re too lazy. You’d never do that

(07:36) You’re underestimating me.

(07:36) Osamu pls tell me

(07:36) Basically Shouyou wanted to call him on the phone

(07:37) Well, it makes sense, they've been texting nonstop for three weeks

(07:37) What’s his voice like? 

(07:37) I bet you sounded like a constipated squirrel, squeaking because of anxiety.

(07:37) The thing is, they didn’t talk

(07:37) Why?

(07:38) Tsumu freaked out

(07:38) He didn’t reply to his messages

(07:38) Atsumu you’re so stupid

(07:38) It was a golden opportunity

(07:39) Don’t make me feel even worse

(07:39) HA-HA! I won!

(07:39) You didn’t. At least I’m able to dress myself.

(07:39) At least I’m going on a date, while you didn't even dare to talk to the guy you like.

(07:40) It took you two years to ask Akaashi out! And you're wearing a frog shirt!!!

(07:40) Sorry Tsumu, but today the coward is you

(07:40) Osamu’s right.

(07:40) Thanks Rin. I love you. I’m really going to throw up now.

(07:41) Happy vomiting.

(07:41) Your frog shirt is nice, btw. Now go and win the love of your life.

(07:42) <3 <3 <3

(07:43) I hate you both

(08:32) Hey

(09:35) Sorry about yesterday

(11:17) Shouyou-kun?

SATURDAY PM

So. Osamu was having the time of his life – ignoring the vomit part – with Akaashi. Atsumu imagined them, wandering around Nagoya too shy to even make eye contact. Osamu probably wouldn't have been able to shut up about cooking, and Akaashi would have asked him questions about desserts– and maybe even complimented his brother about his shirt. Then they would have gone to eat something together, and perhaps at that moment, over a hot, steamy dish, they would have found the courage to look at each other's. Osamu would have blushed, his lips melting into a sly smile. Akaashi’s cheeks would have caught fire. Shit, they were disgustingly cute together.
Atsumu, on the other hand, was about to spend the afternoon floating in an ocean of misery. He wanted to bite the hell out of all his fingers for being such a coward the day before, but without fingers, there was no way he could play volleyball. And slapping his own face was out of the question, his features were way too pretty to be hit– besides, Osamu was the one in charge of giving him a well-placed punch when needed. 

Atsumu checked his phone 12 times. No messages whatsoever. He drank a juice and checked the phone 23 more times – same as before. Then he went around his house three times tossing the ball over his head, and in the end he simply gave up and threw himself on the bed staring intensely at the phone as if he wanted to set it on fire, in a desperate attempt to manifest a shiny shred of notification.

The notification didn’t come. Atsumu sank his face into the pillow and grunted. Samu's voice echoed in his head: coward, coward, coward. Atsumu grunted louder. He was not a coward. Simply, Shouyou was drunk and Atsumu didn't want their first conversation to happen like that. Right. It was absolutely that, the motivation. Not because he had panicked completely. Atsumu was perfectly capable of handling such situations. Atsumu would have been able to handle the collapse of the universe, setting stars and planets as if they were balls back in their place.

The phone remained mute in front of him, drawing the darkness of the evening. Then it lit up. Atsumu gasped, grasping it expectantly, only to hiss in exasperation as he saw that it was only a candy crush notification.

Coward, coward, coward, repeated his brother's voice in his head.

Atsumu tightened his lips. "I am not a coward," he growled. Then he grabbed the phone. Pick up, thought Atsumu. And also: fuck, don’t pick up. 

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“A-Atsumu-san?”

“Nope, I’m his ghost. Atsumu tragically died tryin’ to save his brother’s rancid ass. Very sad, yeah, very sad indeed, the whole universe is now mournin’. Government leaders are considering putting Atsumu's face on every flag and every coin so that he’ll never be forgotten. I'm just here to tell you to keep takin’ care of his beloved Cocktus, to honor his memory and–

“You know, you sound exactly as I imagined.”

“You mean very hot, don’t you? Magnetic, deep, irresistible.”

“Yes to all those things, although I can sense a bit of agitation.”

“Shut up. I can feel yer anxiety as well. Yer voice is goin’ up and down. Ya sound like a crow chick.”

“S-shut up!” 

“Ha, make me.”

“Well, I, uh–

“How cute, all flustered.”

“Atsumu-san, I swear–

“Ya swear what, sunshine?”

“Oh my god, please, stop.”

“Why? I’m havin’ such a great time.”

“Because of your stupid accent! I don’t know, it’s– it’s kinda sensual.”

“W-what?”

“Yeah, well, it’s– wait, did you just squawk?”

“I did not.”

“You definitely squawked. Am I making you uncomfortable, Atsumu-san? Should I speak more softly? Atsumu-san.”

“Fucking Christ, stop.”

“Hehe. You act tough, but in the end, you’re just as shy as I am.” 

“At least I don’t sound like a choking bird.”

“Is my voice really that bad?”

“...”

“Hello? You’re still there?”

“Yer voice is fine.”

“Mmh, glad to hear that! So, why did you call me?” 

“ ‘Cause yesterday ya wanted to call me. But I disappeared.”

“Making me feel very wrong.”

“Making you feel incredibly wrong, yes. So I thought: time to make up for my mistakes.”

“And here you are?”

“And here I am.”

“How sweet. You thought I’d never text you back, didn’t you?”

“Hah, you wish. Truth is you’d miss me too much.”

“Mmh. Truth is maybe you’re right.”

“...”

“I know you’re blushing.”

“Shut up, Shouyou-kun.”

“Hehe. Have you heard from your brother? How is his date going?”

“Fine, I guess. I think all he did was babble about food. He’ll tell me everythin’ as soon as he gets home. He should be taking the train soon.”

“What did he wear, in the end?”

“For fuck’s sake, let’s not talk about that. He’s such an idiot. What did you do today?”

“I was practicing, but then it started to rain and I ran back home. I don’t want to get sick.”

“Mmh, wise decision.”

“You?”

“I practiced, too. Then I tried to become a witch.”

“Did you succeed?” 

“Don't know. I made a potion, though. I'll pour it secretly into my brother's glass. If he dies, then I succeeded.”

“I hope you’ll fail, then. I like Osamu-san.”

“You didn’t say that.”

“And yet–

“Trust me, you didn’t say that.”

“Fine, fine, I didn’t. You could make love potions, though.”

“Why would I need them? Everyone’s already in love with me.”

“Riiight.”

“I’ve got my own fan club, remember?”

“Well, you could always sell them. You'd make a shitload of money. You’d share some income with me since it was my idea.”

“And what would you do with all that money?”

“I’d use them to go and train somewhere. Like, to Brazil!”

“I could always invent a magic potion to make ya better at volleyball, y’know?”

“I’d never drink it! Are you crazy?”

“Just kiddin’, sunshine. Relax.”

“Stop teasing. Mum’s calling me for dinner, by the way. Will you let me know how Osamu’s date went?”

“Sure.”

“Thank you.”

“Shouyou-kun?”

“Mmh?”

“I’m really, really sorry about yesterday.”

“It’s okay. Atsumu-san?”

“What?”

“I’m happy you called.” 

(10:23) In half an hour I'll be home.

(10:24) Cool

(10:25) You make me sick.

(10:25) WHY

(10:25) You’re so disgustingly happy. I can feel it

(10:26) UNO REVERSE CARD, OH MY GOD. YOU’RE AS DISGUSTINGLY HAPPY AS I AM. 

(10:26) Yes, but I went on a date – that was a terrific success, btw, screw you and your prejudice against my shirt–, so I’m justified! What the hell happened to you? 

(10:27) I'll tell you when you take your rancid ass home

(10:27) Also, I hope you brought me back something to eat. Otherwise, don't bother showing up.

(10:28) Die

(11:07) Osamu’s date went well

(11:07) He and the love of his life ate together, went to the park, ate again, went to the bookstore, and now they’re texting each other. They want to meet again.

(11:08) Aw, I’m so happy for Osamu-san!

(11:09) Yeah, me too, but don’t tell him.

(11:09) I’m going to sleep now. Samu’s already snoring. Night, Shouyou-kun.

(11:10) Goodnight, Atsumu-san. 

Sunday AM

(10:03) So, Osamu's date went well, and Atsumu talked to Shouyou on the phone?

(10:06) That's right. And he sounded like a boy. 

(10:06) He might have used some gimmick to change his voice.

(10:06) You’re paranoid, 'Samu. You should watch less crime shows. 

(10:07) You’re just jealous because my onigiri are turning out better than yours.

(10:08) Are you making onigiri? Can I come for lunch?

(10:09) Sure, Rin. 

(10:09) Anyway, I'm just considering all the options. Keep your feet on the ground, otherwise, you'll get burned. 

(10:10) If there's one thing I can't do in this universe, it's keep my feet on the ground.

(10:12) I can't believe everything has worked out, though. I mean, it's so unlikely for both of you. 

(10:13) Fuck you, Rin. You're just jealous. 

(10:13) Rin, I promise that if you end up alone, I'll leave Akaashi and marry you.

(10:15) For fuck’s sake, no. I'd rather marry our math teacher. 

(10:16) That's a heavy insult, Suna. 

(10:20) I'm sorry, man. I'd rather not let you have false hopes. Can I still come for lunch? 

(10:22) Come now so you can help us, you lazy gossipy trash can

(11:33) [image sent]

(11:33) [image received]

(11:37) Oh my god, they look delicious

(11:38) I made them. Although, Samu helped.

(11:40) I bet yours are the crooked ones.

(11:41) You’re a demon. I was even going to offer you one! 

(11:43) I take it all back. Please, forgive me. 

(11:43) Mmh. Maybe.

(11:45) So, you’re eating onigiri today?

(11:46) Samu also made some cream cakes. After lunch, we're going to watch a movie. We'll probably fight to choose it, though. Blood will be spilled.

(11:47) Why? What do you want to watch?

(11:48) I love romantic comedies. Suna likes horror movies. Samu wants to watch something with aliens or Ratatouille.

(11:49) Osamu made cream cakes. I think he should have the last word.

(11:49) Hi, Shouyou. It’s Osamu. I love you. I want you in the family. Come visit us soon so we can play Mario Kart.

(11:49) I’ll cook your favorite dishes. Meat buns and tamago kake gohan, right?

(11:50) Osamu-san, you remember! You’re so kind! <3

(11:51) Okay, enough. It’s Atsumu again. We’ll watch Ratatouille for, like, the 200th time. Thanks, Shouyou-kun.

(11:53) Always glad to be helpful! 

(11:54) What are you having for lunch?

(11:55) I don’t know. Mum’s cooking rice. She’s very good at cooking! 

(11:56) It must be nice to have a mother who cooks without trying to poison you to death. This is the typical example of when the mundanity of things means happiness.

(11:57) You're so wise

(11:58) I know. Talk to you later, sunshine.

(11:59) Have a great lunch, Atsumu-san.

SUNDAY PM

“Miss me already, sunshine?”

“Don’t make me regret it.”

“You’re going to call me every day from now on?”

“You wish. It's just that yesterday you called me first, and I had the feeling that I was losing.”

“Yeah, yeah, keep tellin’ yerself that. Truth is, ya wanted to hear my accent so bad– Samu shut up.”

“Is Osamu-san with you?”

“Yeah, as always. He’s a tick– no, you fuck off.”

“Can I say hi?”

“No. Hey, let go of me, you fuckin’ ass–

“Hi, Shouyou-kun. It’s ‘Samu.”

“Hello, Osamu-san! You have the cool accent, too!”

“Well, yeah, y’know, me an’ Tsumu grew up under the same roof and– Tsumu, you motherfucke–

“It’s Atsumu again. Samu said ‘t was a pleasure talkin’ with you but he has very important business to do.”

“Too bad. Then I’m stuck with you. Have you had dinner?”

“Yep. Samu tried a new beef recipe. ‘t was good, though a little salty. You?”

“Mom made soup. It was good, too!” 

“Cool. You still sound like a choking bird, ya know?”

“S-shut up! It's not my fault if I'm embarrassed!”

“Yer right, the fault is mine, ‘cause I’m handsome and– Samu, stop hitting me.” 

“Osamu-san, please, don’t stop.”

“I fled to the bathroom. At least he can't hear me talk.”

“You just wanted to be alone with me.” 

“You wish. Hey, wanna hear a joke?”

“Please.”

“What do you call a bug that can't make a decision?” 

“I don’t know. What do you call it?”

“A may-bee. Did you get– oh my god, you’re actually laughin’!”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just, well, a may-beepffhahahaha

“Oh, wow.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughinhahahahaha

“Please, take all the time you need.”

“Okay, okay, I can breathe again. Thank you, Atsumu-san.”

“My pleasure.”

“Cool.”

“Cool cool cool.”

“Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Goodnight, Shouyou-kun.”

“Goodnight, Atsumu-san.”