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"…cause sometimes I look in his eyes, and that's where I find a glimpse of us…"
—
now
The fog made everything blurry and it was hard to make out what he really wanted to see. Under the cover of mist lay a beautiful beach and on sunny days the water glittered. But even if he knew what beauty hid beneath the fog, it was hard to believe it existed at the moment.
He felt this way about his own life as well.
„Are you enjoying the view?“
He turned around and saw the smiling face of his boyfriend who approached with two big ice cones. Shouyou chuckled and pushed himself away from the railing, tearing his eyes away from the gray clouds. Windswept hair flew into his boyfriend's face and he repeatedly and unsuccessfully shook his head to try to get them out of his handsome face.
„Yeah the gray sky looks really good with the gray water. The gray fog compliments the whole thing even more.“
He took the ice cream cone his boyfriend held out to him and licked it. It was Mango, his favorite. He should ask himself why they were eating ice cream when the weather was this bad, why it was exactly the thing he craved, and why his boyfriend knew that he did.
„We could paint everything. Make it colorful. Design our dream beach.“
Grinning, the boyfriend started eating his own ice cream and mused over all the possibilities this would grant them. One arm automatically fell onto Shouyou’s shoulders and pulled him closer. Warmth spread through his body, making him realize just how cold it was.
It was not an easy task to conjure up enough imagination to change the sad-looking beach into new glory, especially considering how thick the fog was and how desolate everything appeared. But Shouyou was a master at imagining and soon he was swept into their little fantasy world and added his own ideas.
The afternoon turned out perfectly despite the bad weather at the beach. They had a great time and once more proved to themselves just how good they were suited to each other. But even if the afternoon, and with an extension the relationship, was perfect, something still bothered him.
Shouyou had to ask himself why he still imagined himself with an entirely different person when thinking back to this afternoon, why he still saw blue eyes and black hair instead of the golden eyes and blond hair, why he still wished it was Tobio instead of Atsumu.
—
then
People in Brazil are considerably more open than everyone in Japan.
That’s what he read before going, what he experienced while staying. This caused quite a few insecurities in Tobio because what would happen if Shouyou was being approached by a handsome and charismatic man?
Tobio’s insecurities regarding that topic could be traced back to his inability to social interaction. He was insecure about their relationship even before Shouyou went to Brazil. Still, it should have been obvious that Shouyou could only think about Tobio, could imagine his life only with his rival turned lover by his side. They somehow managed to get over the dispute after Shouyou repeatedly promised that no one other than Tobio would do.
This was how Tobio accepted that Shoyou would go to Brazil while he stayed back, spending the time already playing the sport they both loved so much.
Time is a funny thing.
When you need it most it vanishes almost immediately while stretching itself to last forever when you want it gone. But life is not binary and creates situations where you can’t wait for time to be over but want it to be standing still at the same time. Shouyou tried to explain that to Tobio once. He only got a scrunched-up face back in response. He never knew if it was because Tobio didn’t understand or could relate but didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s what he felt about going to Brazil.
Of course, he wanted to go right at this moment and train to catch up. But in his heart, he could feel something else.
Why catch up when the thing you want so bad is right next to you?
He tried not to think about it while spending as many moments with Tobio as he could, the time running out like sand in an hourglass.
When he finally arrived in Brazil it was a shock. It was hard to get used to an entirely new culture, entirely new surroundings and, most of all, a life without Tobio by his side. Beach volleyball was hard. Harder than he thought it would be. For all the time he spent on the sand, he could only show a few improvements. The only thing that gave him power was the promise of getting back to Tobio. Getting the ability to beat him.
To say it came as a shock when Tobio ended their relationship after three years was an understatement.
The phone call came late at night because of the time difference. The moment Tobio started explaining, Shouyou knew that it was over. He didn’t try to persuade him otherwise, to change his opinion. Tobio was just as stubborn as Shouyou and it would destroy the few minutes of this phone call he had left with him.
He tried to get a last ‚I love you’ out of Tobio.
It didn’t feel as good as he thought it would. The only thing it did was make him cry. Curled up in the corner of his small room, he had his phone in his hand, tears rolling down his cheeks.
The wallpaper of his phone captured a photo of all his friends in the third year of high school and stood in stark contrast to his mood now. Everybody had been happy, proud and content, if a little scared of the future. Now Shouyou was sad, disappointed and desperate, even more scared of the future.
The night was worse than the phone call. A thousand possibilities, the what if’s and the ideas to change fate turned his brain into mush, his heart into a million pieces. When morning came, Shouyou did what Shouyou did best and he started at the bottom, working his way up. He would heal himself, make his heart whole again by putting the pieces together like a puzzle. He would climb back to the top.
And it worked. His volleyball career finally took shape. He had a few flings, though nothing compared to Kageyama. Kageyama. Shouyou refused to call him by his first name, a desperate try to leave their past relationship behind.
Back in Japan he tried out for the best team that held tryouts and actually managed to get in after his first try. It was there where he met Atsumu, who pointed a finger at him, grinned, and exclaimed: `Told ya I would set for you one day!‘
—
now
Eyes are the portal to the soul or something like that.
Shouyou read that somewhere, sometime. He never really believed it. A person couldn’t be defined by a look in their eyes. How would an entire personality fit?
He knew better when he discovered Tobio in Atsumu’s eyes for the first time.
It wasn’t because they had the same eyes, hell, the two of them looked as different as could be. No, it was something else. The way Atsumu looked at him, the feelings hidden behind his eyes. Or, if Shouyou was vainer, he would say it was the look of unconditional love for him. And what was unconditional love than the thing that said most about a person? Maybe a personality could fit into one’s eyes.
Which begged the question of why Kageyama left. Did he ever stop looking at him like that? Shouyou couldn’t remember. Or he couldn’t see because he was in Brazil at that time.
After noticing the similarity for the first time, Shouyou couldn’t stop. He didn’t only recognize Kageyama in Atsumu’s eyes but in his actions as well. It was during mundane situations where little acts of kindness reminded him of his first love, made him see a glimpse of the ‘us’ that wasn’t anymore.
Of course, he felt guilty. Who wouldn’t? It just didn’t really mean much. At least that’s what he told himself. His current relationship was perfect. Atsumu knew how to make him laugh and console him on bad days; even his sets were perfect. So, Shouyou decided to go on and tried to forget any memories of Kageyama.
Memories are not easy to get rid of. While they may disappear for some time, they have a habit of sneaking back in the middle of the night when you least expect them. The ones you want to be gone stay persistently by your side and things you want to remember silently creep away.
In his head, Shouyou wanted to forget about all of it, his heart and his body wanted something else. He saw his past self with Kageyama in the most ordinary situations, got reminded of what he had lost.
Why am I thinking about this? I’m happy, aren’t I? I have Atsumu, whom I love. He loves me too. It’s a mature relationship. Everything’s perfect.
So why exactly am I still thinking about him?
—
“…why then if he’s so perfect, do I still wish that it was you?...”
—
then
He had so much fun being a professional volleyball player with a great team that he temporarily forgot about the whole Kageyama ordeal. Maybe that’s why he didn’t break down when they finally played against each other, having the match they promised each other.
Kageyama seemed to have forgotten as well. He smiled at him, laughed with him, and was genuinely happy around him. They played against each other as if nothing had ever happened. Added their wins to the old list. It surprised Shouyou that he still knew exactly how many wins and losses they had.
It only hit them when they were alone in a bar, the other players getting more drinks. For a moment, they continued laughing and talking. Then, as if on cue, there was silence. Simultaneously, they seemed to remember what had happened. That the ‘them’ they were currently living wasn’t anymore.
Atsumu saved him.
Not only from that moment but also in the following weeks. The realization of where he was and more so without whom he was, finally set in. Atsumu was there for it. He went out with him when nobody else wanted to get drunk. He forced him to eat out when he didn’t feel like it. He let him grow with his sets when he almost gave up on his dreams.
Shouyou didn’t think of him in that way during that time. He was too busy trying to forget the love of his life. Or what he thought was the love of his life but turned out not to be.
It was great to be home but he wasn’t really home.
—
now
It was so distinctly Kageyama that Shouyou couldn’t not think of him.
The thought didn’t leave him alone. It haunted him. What’s worse was that he got slightly mad when Atsumu laughed, and it wasn’t like Kageyama’s laugh. When the charade shattered in front of his eyes.
It was about then when Shouyou realized that there was a problem. That something wasn’t right. Yes, his relationship with Atsumu was perfect. But was perfect enough? He thought about his current relationship. He was content. Atsumu couldn’t do anything wrong, didn’t do anything wrong. Shouyou always enjoyed their time together. But was he really happy? The happy you experience when you truly love someone?
The answer was something in the middle. It had felt different. But every relationship was as different as the person you’re dating. There will never be a relationship he had with Kageyama again. Which shouldn’t be a problem because his current relationship was perfect. That was enough.
With Kageyama it didn’t need to be perfect to be enough.
Shouyou tried to forget that thought but it stayed, nesting itself into his brain. And soon a second thought followed, making him doubt himself even more.
Do I want something perfect or something real?
They had talked a lot about relationships. A lot about past relationships, too. Atsumu had plenty, nobody really caring to really get to know him before pursuing a relationship. They saw his looks and didn’t even think about the person behind the body, the hair, the eyes. Which resulted in everybody ending the relationship shocked by his strong character and Atsumu getting hurt.
When he told Shouyou about it, he told him he cried. A week, maybe two. But then he picked himself up and started to live his own life again. Looking for love somewhere else. Finding it in volleyball. Again and again.
It tore at Shouyou’s heart. Knowing how people used Atsumu, never gave him the chance he deserved. Only dated him for the wrong reasons. What tore at Shouyou’s heart the most wasn’t that though. It was something far more selfish. Something he was embarrassed to even feel.
It must be great. Not to miss things. Not to long to get back to something. Not to be looking back all the time.
He wasn’t better than all the other people. He just stayed. Which probably made him worse.
—
then
He heard it from Yachi. Yachi, who stayed up to date on everyone and always knew what they were up to. Yachi, who told him that Kageyama had found someone else.
Something inside him shattered, probably his heart he so poorly pieced together in the first place. They weren’t together. Yet. But Shouyou knew that it was only a matter of time if Yachi made herself the trouble of telling him.
Luckily, it was a Saturday evening and Shouyou could make all his troubles vanish at a bar without standing out too much. Soon enough he was drowning in liquor and drowning in thoughts.
Was there even a person who could understand Kageyama as he did? Knew what he meant when he so clearly failed to communicate what he wanted? Appreciated him for just what he was, enjoyed his company as he did?
Was it possible to replace him?
Was this how it was supposed to be? Maybe Kageyama was the right person for Shouyou but Shouyou was the wrong person for Kageyama. Maybe this was a phase. A part of their life they didn’t spend together. Maybe sometime along the way Kageyama comes to miss him, slipping out of this new relationship and finding back to him.
Or maybe this was all just hopes and dreams. A way to make himself feel better.
Shouyou emptied his glass. He wasn’t sure how many he already had. Enough to make him feel number, the pain only a small ick inside him.
“What are ya doing here?”
It was funny how the world worked. There he was, exactly at the time Shouyou needed him the most. As if the last few months weren’t enough to prove just how much he helped Shouyou. He found out that Atsumu had been dumped again and was having the same bad idea of getting drunk as him.
They stayed the entire evening together. They suffered the entire following morning at practice together. They decided to meet up more often after that.
It was Shouyou who asked him out first. Atsumu smiled brightly and accepted. It was a perfect date. Shouyou almost thought it was too perfect at first. But can something even be too perfect?
It was Atsumu who kissed him first. It was after their fourth date. They were sitting on some random swings, having talked the whole evening about this and that. Shouyou froze up when their lips touched. Not because it was bad but because he didn’t expect it.
Atsumu immediately backtracked, apologizing deeply. “I didn’t want to go too far. I’m very sorry! I should have asked first.”
“It’s fine.” Shouyou shook his head to deter Atsumu from the idea of having done anything wrong.
Atsumu raised an eyebrow, slowly swinging back and forth. “Is it really alright? What about Ka - “
“Yes, it’s fine! I’m fine. I moved on.”
—
now
He never really got over him. Never really moved on. Only passing time in someone else’s arms. Atsumu’s arms.
There were moments when everything changes. This realization was one of those moments. It was hard to accept. Harder still to realize he was lying to himself for the whole time. But it wasn’t really surprising when he thought more about it. There were signs. He just chose to ignore them.
Shouyou looked over and saw that Atsumu was focused on the television where a game was playing. Normally, Shouyou would pay just as much attention, if not more. But not today. He must have stared because Atsumu looked over and a questioning look appeared on his face.
“What are ya thinking about?”
Shouyou was much but he wasn’t a liar. Still, he didn’t dare say what really went on in his mind. He wanted to keep the normalcy for at least a little bit longer. For the first time he lied to Atsumu.
“Nothing much.”
Atsumu nodded. There was something in the way he nodded that told Shouyou that Atsumu knew he was lying. That he knew that Shouyou was just borrowing time that had already passed.
When Shouyou finally told him a week later, Atsumu just nodded. He didn’t seem surprised. They were sitting in a café they liked and visited often. Atsumu put the cup down and stared out of the window. After a deep sigh, he looked back at Shouyou. A pained expression stained his beautiful face.
“I knew I couldn’t keep ya forever.” He sighed deeply and smiled. “I hoped ya might find your way to me as long as I keep giving ya everything ya need. When we got together, I thought ya were finally mine. But ya never really were. Half of ya was always with him.”
He was right, wasn’t he? Tobio never really left Shouyou’s mind. He never really left Shouyou’s heart.
—
then
They got together shortly after their first kiss. Shouyou didn’t have any second thoughts on the decision. Kageyama didn’t need him, and he didn’t need Kageyama.
With time he forgot his struggles to forget Kageyama and just enjoyed his time with Atsumu. Lost in his momentary happiness, Shouyou didn’t realize the big problem. If everything were different, if Kageyama didn’t exist, this could have been the love of his life. The problem was that Kageyama did exist. Atsumu was bound to end up the second choice.
He would realize that sometime, but not now.
The team was accepting of this development and even the team managers approved of them dating as long as they kept it on the downlow. Only Sakusa didn’t say much about it but Sakusa didn’t say much in general.
On occasions where they played the Schweiden Adlers, Shouyou tried to see Kageyama as just another rival player. Atsumu was understanding, always giving his best to keep Shouyou’s thoughts on the game.
It wasn’t a bad life, Shouyou liked it. There was just something missing.
—
now
Coincidentally, it was Yachi who told him that Tobio was single again.
At first, Shouyou didn’t know what to do with that information. It was his deepest wish he didn’t want to become true. Who was he to wish sadness upon others?
He didn’t ask why or how. He didn’t ask anything. Even when he wanted to, his heart aching for it. Shouyou managed to control himself. But the one thing he couldn’t control was his heart. It was beating hard in his chest, already wishing to meet the man who had it’s other half.
Quickly, he drank his water and tried to calm himself down. Yachi leaned back in her chair and mustered him. When he didn’t react to her raised eyebrows she sat upright in her chair again.
“Are you not going to ask why?”
Shouyou shook his head. “I don’t want to.”
“Do you not want to ask, or do you not want to know the answer?”
It was the second. After Yachi waited for a few seconds, she asked further:
“Don’t you want to know if you have a chance again?”
Shouyou almost choked on his water. How did she know? While Yachi laughed at him, Shouyou frantically searched for something to clean his face. Then he looked up and before he could ask, Yachi waved the question away.
“I know you still love him. You never stopped, did you? That’s why you ended your relationship with Atsumu, right?”
His cheeks burned but he couldn’t deny that Yachi told the truth. Slowly, he nodded.
“So why don’t you want to know?”
He didn’t want to shatter the new hope that started to grow in his heart. And shatter it would. There was no way this could work again. Tobio probably moved on years ago. Shouyou couldn’t imagine that Tobio still felt something for him. He knew better than to wish for something so impossible.
After Shouyou explained that to Yachi, she just shook her head. “What else can we do but wish for the things we want? No matter how impossible they seem. At least try to find your happiness. No regrets, right?”
In the evening, in the sanctuary of his bed, Shouyou thought about the words Yachi left him with. What would he regret the most in his life? And what did he regret the most in his life? Both times, the answer had something to do with Tobio. Even if this would be a mistake later on, why not add Tobio to the list of his regrets for a third time?
Shouyou wasn’t the best with words. But that wasn’t a problem when he talked with Tobio. It never was. Tobio was just as bad as he was. Still, the thought of opening his heart in front of Tobio scared him. There were too many possibilities where he could fuck up. Wrong words, fumbling with sentences, and a disappearing voice only named a few possibilities. Tobio could be totally uninterested. Shouyou couldn’t stand the thought of letting everything off his chest and then looking into annoyed eyes.
No, this wouldn’t do. And Tobio probably needed time to think. Time to get over his relationship.
In the end, he decided on a letter. All his feelings summarized in one place. The exact words he wanted to say. The option for Tobio of just ignoring him and live on as nothing ever happened.
—
“… if you, in any way, feel the same as me, please meet there. I’ll be waiting with open arms and an open heart.”
—
now
There was no fog this time.
Clouds made everything dark and gloomy. But there was no fog. He probably should have decided on another place for this meeting but somehow, it made sense. Shouyou liked the place. When the sun was out, it reminded him of Brazil. And Brazil was where it all went wrong. Not for his career but for his love life.
It seemed right to give said love life a last chance at a place that reminded of the ending point.
No one was there yet. Shouyou was alone and maybe he would stay alone. The decision lay with Tobio. There was still time, Shouyou gave him the entire afternoon.
Slowly, Shouyou walked towards the railing and looked over the ocean. His hands were sweaty and he was breathing hard. He thought of running. Running far away, never knowing how fate decides to act today. Or rather how Tobio decides. If he would show up or leave him for a second time.
The clouds wandered on, and the hidden sun appeared. It made the sky look beautiful. Rays of sunshine tickled Shouyou’s nose. The sea glittered and far away he could hear a seagull crying. He felt more alive in this moment than he did for the last few months.
Shouyou decided to stay. Running away was easy. It’s the living that’s hard. Staying and taking risks. And Shouyou wanted to live. Not only being alive but to really live. He wanted to take the risk of getting disappointed when his other option was true happiness.
A shy smile crept on his face. No matter how this all turned out, he was content with his decisions. The constant question of ‘what if’ was worse than regret.
Just as he blinked at the sun, he heard a voice calling out his name. He knew that voice all too well. He dreamt enough of it. Imagined the words it could say to him. The smile on his face grew wider and he turned around.
Risks are worth for the taking.