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1.
It’s probably the third time Chan snoozed his alarm, begging for five more minutes of sleep. Whatever schedule he has can wait - he hasn’t had a good night's sleep in weeks in preparation for this endeavour that the almighty JYP himself arranged. Which is why he had an alarm in the first place. Shit!
Chan jolts up, practically leaping off his bed. Fuck! He rushes out, probably waking up Felix and Changbin in the process. In his sleepy stupor, he trips on his blanket that has fallen off the floor. He cursed rather loudly. If his earlier commotion didn’t wake his bunk mates up, this would do it.
“Chan?” Felix asks, having sat up and now rubbing the sleep off his eyes. “What’s going on?”
“Uhh, hey, ‘Lix,” Chan stammers. He walks toward their shared closet space to look for the semi-formal shirt he was thinking of wearing today, “Just running late for that Republic Records meeting. Hyung will be here to pick me up in fifteen and - fuck, where the fuck is that black polo shirt!”
“Was that today?” Felix yawns out, “The Fred Perry shirt you wore last week? We haven’t done the laundry yet.”
Chan groans in frustration. That’s it. He’s definitely having the worst day, and he hasn’t even been awake for five minutes.
Felix gets out of bed and says, “Maybe Changbin has something you could wear. That navy one he has but never wore. I’ll look for it, so you go shower and brush your teeth.”
On cue, Chan looks at Felix as if he just answered all the hardest questions he had about life. He grins, then rushed to hug the younger first. Chan says, “Thank you, thank you! Okay, Imma go do that!”
As Chan runs to the washroom, he hears Felix yell out, “Brush your teeth thoroughly! You need it!”
He spends his extremely quick shower (at this point, he was just washing his face and brushing his teeth while standing under the scalding shower head) smiling. Part of him feels bad for having woken up Felix, but a bigger part of him knows he would’ve had a bad morning without him. He looks at the mirror as he was towel-drying himself and mutters, “Lix is truly an angel,” to no one in particular. He looks at the time on his phone, 8 more minutes to get dressed.
Chan leaves the washroom and bumps into Minho outside, waiting for his turn. The dancer raises an eyebrow at him, “Isn’t it too early to be smiling, hyung?”
Chan just shrugs and waves off the teasing. Was he actually smiling? He simply didn’t realize. But why wouldn’t he? He’s in good spirits. He hums a tune while he dresses himself. Felix even brought out Chan’s old black jeans, the one without rips, to make sure he looks presentable. All Chan had to pick was his underwear and socks, since Felix thought about everything else.
The younger one is in the kitchen, and sees Chan come out with a navy button up from Changbin’s closet. The leader gives one twirl, arms out as if asking Felix his opinion. Felix chews on his cereal sleepily, and gives Chan a thumbs up.
As the older puts on his shoes, he sees the sunshine kid approach. Felix says, “You look good, Chan. You should wear more colour. Stops you from looking like the grim reaper.”
Chan just giggles. He stands up, and sees Felix handing him his backpack and what looks to be a sandwich and banana packed together. The older frowns, “What’s this?”
“Food,” Felix says, in a matter of fact tone. He’s learning all too well from Minho. The older doesn’t know if this is something good or not. In a split second, Chan decides it's alright, since he finds Lee Know so cute these days.
Felix continues, “It’s just a sandwich. It’s not going to kill you.”
Chan smiles, “Thanks, ‘Lix, I don’t deserve you at all. Anyway, I’ll text you after the meeting, yeah? Hopefully it’ll be good.”
Felix yawns and nods, “I’m sure it would be. I’ll be heading back to sleep.” The younger waits for Chan to put all the items inside his bag. He sees the leader smile when he realizes that Felix packed his laptop, his charger, and a water bottle inside, too.
Chan was about to say thank you to Felix when his phone buzzed. His manager is downstairs and asking Chan to hurry, saying that the American representatives are already in the head office. The singer groans, promptly replies, then pockets his phone.
The older says a quick goodbye again to the sleepy, freckled dancer in front of him and kisses him briefly on the lips.
Chan takes two steps to the door, then pauses. Did he just -?
Chan looks back at Felix, who had the same surprised expression. He’s never done that before. Felix also never did that before. Sure, Chan has thought about - but he wouldn’t - Oh, no.
Felix blinks twice, then says, “You’re going to be late, Chan,” then leans forward and returns a quick kiss, “Make sure you eat that lunch I packed you. No excuses!”
Chan sees the younger walk away, as if what just happened is normal. Is it normal? His grip on his backpack strap tightens, and he takes a deep breath before walking out of their shared dorm.
2.
Nothing happened when he came home after that. In fact, nothing similar happened ever since then. It infuriated Chan. Felix didn’t ask for an explanation, nor mentioned it again. It felt like a fever dream. Chan knows it happened because his lips tingled the rest of the day. It tasted like cherry chapstick, something Felix and Hyunjin wore a lot. Chan also hates how Felix doesn’t even act weird around him either. The younger didn’t avoid him, didn’t get extra touchy with him, and - this might sound pathetic, didn’t kiss Chan again.
So Chan decided to just observe Felix.
Not that he hasn’t watched the younger like a hawk before. He’s done that way too many times in the past. This time, he wants to see how Felix would act around the others. Chan wants to know if the younger would say “thank you” to Hyunjin for giving him extra kimchi at dinner, and kiss him for it. Felix didn't. He wants to see if the younger would kiss Changbin as thanks for the cuddles last night. Felix didn’t. Chan wants to know if IN would receive a kiss because he let Felix wear his hoodie for the day. Felix didn't. Seungmin didn’t get a kiss when Felix got a compliment from him, nor did Han when he let Felix pick the movie to watch for the night.
It’s getting incredibly annoying to Chan. He goes home earlier than usual to see if Felix would act differently, but the younger doesn’t. He brought the kids to lunch, went shopping with them, and even snuck into their individual schedules to catch Felix in the act. Chan doesn’t know why it is so important to catch Felix doing the same to others. Chan has this feeling that he isn’t special. He’s not special enough that he is the only one who got a kiss on the lips. His little ball of sunshine loves showing his affection, and these quick kisses are part of the bundle, right?
Well, he gets the answer he’s been praying for, but not in the way he wanted.
Chan hears a knock on his recording studio door. The door opens and he sees Felix, grinning as he enters.
The younger asks, “Hi, Channie-hyung. You busy?”
Chan can’t help but reciprocate the smile. He replies, “I was. Come in, come in.”
Felix does a little dance before letting himself in, making Chan giggle. The younger groans as he lies down Chan’s couch, stomach down and splayed like a starfish.
Chan stares fondly at the kid before asking, “What can hyung help you with? Everything good?”
Felix, despite being face down, nods. He then sprung up to face Chan and says, “Yeah. Just missed you, that’s all. Haven’t seen you all day.”
Chan replies, “Oh, yeah, sorry, mate. Just got caught up in the zone, you know? And what do you mean? I’m barely at the dorm anyway. Remember last time, when you guys said -“
“Yeah, no, you’ve been at the dorm a lot recently, actually,” Felix interrupts the leader. When Chan frowns, making the younger explain, “Yeah? You have. It’s been nice, that’s all. I understand that you always have work and have to come here, so - so yeah. It’s just nice. Having you around, that is.”
Chan sighs. Felix’s words made his stomach flutter. His heartbeat quickens, and he feels his face warm up. But something about the way the younger phrased it made Chan sad. Has he always been apart from the kids?
The older pulls down his beanie, hiding his eyes and throwing his head back. He makes a noise of frustration and apologizes, “I’m so sorry, Lix. I didn’t know. I should be spending more time with you guys.”
With the beanie down to his cheeks, Chan can’t see how Felix reacted, and can only hear it. He hears the younger chuckle and then feels his small hands on his cheeks. Felix says, “Then come home as soon as you’re done. It’s dinner soon, and Minho-hyung is cooking.”
Chan nods, liking the warmth of Felix’s palm on his cheeks. He presses his own hands over them and squeezes. He then feels a pair of lips pressed against his own. Felix kissed him again. A brief moment passed, and the lips leave his before he can kiss back.
Felix doesn’t say anything. Chan thought that the younger would say something, anything, to acknowledge this again. In reality, however, Felix just pulled Chan’s beanie to his chin harshly, laughing and teasing him. The dancer even spun Chan’s chair, making the leader yell and laugh.
Before Chan can retaliate, he hears the door of his studio open then close. Just like that, Felix has left his room.
Chan takes off his beanie, and ruffles his hair. He stares at the wall for a while, wondering why his heart still hasn’t stopped beating this fast. His lips taste like cherry again, and his cheeks feel extremely warm. His mind is thinking of everything all at once, of Felix, of him and Felix, of laugh, his eyes, his smile, his freckles. But at the same time, of nothing at all. He can’t. He shouldn’t. Not when his group’s future might suffer.
So he doesn’t.
Chan sighs, and he doesn’t think about Felix. He doesn’t mention anything during the dinner. He doesn’t linger around Felix when he games or bakes. He doesn’t leave the studio early, and doesn’t stay at the dorm too much. He doesn’t stare at Felix too long.
Maybe, just maybe, he’ll forget the kiss. Maybe he’d forget about how much his heart yearned for more.
3.
They’re leaving for the new dorms tomorrow morning.
Felix is finishing up packing the last of his items, making sure to leave out a pair of underwear, comfortable pants, a shirt and a hoodie for tomorrow’s move. He was listening to some calming background music which was then replaced by Chan’s rambling.
“- And make sure you help Minho out. You know how he likes to tackle things by himself. He never asks for help, that guy. Just little things like, wash the dishes after he cooks, and beat him to it. You know? Don’t let him linger in the kitchen too much. Oh! And make sure IN doesn’t order too much energy drinks. That kid would go crazy if it weren’t for Changbin and I. He doesn’t stop - seriously. And his McDonald’s obsession! That kid! Oh my gosh, he’s going to kill me someday. He needs to eat something else besides fast food, and, Oh! Remind him to slow down when eating! Hyunjin usually tells him that. He’s gotten better, but I’m afraid he’s going to go crazy again. Speaking of Hyunjin, I’m scared that he’s going to hate our dorm. Oh god, I don’t want him to hate us, so can you -“
“Chris,” Felix says, his voice deep but loud enough for Chan to stop.
Chan blinks twice. The younger gestures for Chan to sit down beside his suitcase. He does so gingerly. The older sighs, “I was rambling, wasn’t I?”
Felix smiles in confirmation, “You lost me when you said “Don’t forget to pack your hair essence inside the medicine cabinet.”
This earns a frown from Chan. “That’s the first thing I said.”
Felix laughs heartily, making the older join him.
The two sit in silence for a while, until Felix zips up his suitcase and looks up at Chan. The younger says, “You know, we won’t be too far. I’m not sure why you’re so worried.”
Chan doesn’t know either. He hasn’t been this anxious since their debut, when he thinks everything that could go wrong will go wrong. “I just - I don’t know. I’ll miss you guys.”
Felix hums.
Chan would’ve kissed Felix right there. Tell him thank you for calming him down. Tell him how much he’ll miss waking up beside the younger. He would’ve told him that his body somehow forgets its insomnia whenever Felix sleeps beside him. He would’ve told him that he loves cooking for him, as much as Felix loves baking for him. His kiss would’ve told Felix all that. If Chan kissed him.
But he didn’t.
4.
There’s something different recently, and Chan couldn’t place his finger on it.
After the dorm-aggedon, the team dynamic changed. Not immediately, but rather weeks after. They spend more free time together, and putting an effort into seeing each other. Chan realizes that if he or his Chicken Breast dorm members aren’t in Minho’s dorm, then the younglings would be at theirs. It isn’t unusual to find Felix on their couch with Hyunjin after dinner, nor is it to find Minho leaving Han’s room in the morning. Sometimes, he tries to look for Changbin in their dorm, only to find that he’s at Seungmin’s room doing nothing. Even IN would visit Chan at the studio to bring him a McDonald’s sandwich and eat with him.
His favourite, however, is seeing Felix. Yes, Chan did try to stop thinking about it. About everything. But when Felix knocks at the door at 8 this evening, holding a huge, heavy-looking box, Chan can’t help but don the biggest smile.
“What’s this?” He asks, grabbing the weight off Felix’s arms.
The younger puffs to catch his breath and says, “For you! I got you cool LED lights!”
Chan looks at Felix, amused, “You what? Felix, you shouldn’t have.”
Felix just shrugs, “I wanted to. Besides, your room looks weird. Too plain. At least with this one, you’d match with me. Come on, I’ll help you set it up.”
Few minutes later, the pair successfully hung the lights. Situated at the centre of the wall, just right above Chan’s bed, Felix is pleased. It wasn’t too difficult to hang up, but Felix seems winded nonetheless. Chan, too, was sweating. He offers his water bottle to Felix, which the younger graciously accepts.
“Okay, moment of truth,” Felix says before testing the lights. Chan does a fake drum roll, waiting for Felix to turn them on.
The younger flicks a switch, and the lights turn bright pink first. “Wooooaahh,” Chan said with Felix, then the two laughed at how they said the exact thing.
“Waaait, wait,” Felix says, then presses the switch again. The light turns blue this time, and Chan claps enthusiastically. The younger chuckles, “Hold on, hold on,” and flicks the switch again. The lights then flicker in a pattern, alternating between pink, blue, no lights in some of the triangles. Chan can’t help but think the lights itself were moving around.
Felix walks back to Chan’s side, mesmerized by the lights and the fruit of their hard work. Chan, too, stares at the lights. It definitely adds flavour to his room, the older thinks. He looks at Felix right after, and his thoughts go back to how beautiful the younger one is. Under these lights, Felix’s freckles seem to glow, too.
Pretty.
Chan presses his lips against Felix’s cheeks. He just can’t help himself. The younger giggles before turning towards him, “What was that for?”
Chan rubs the back of his neck, “As thanks. For thinking about me.”
Felix rolls his eyes and kisses him back, this time on the lips. It passes too quickly for Chan. The younger just smirks and winks, “Thank me properly next time.”
Felix grabs his hoodie, his phone and keys. Chan sees him take another drink from the water bottle he gave him earlier. The younger then says, “It’s getting late. I gotta go home. Play around with the settings, Chan. There’s more info in the booklet.”
Chan just nods, tongue-tied.
As Felix leaves his dorm, Chan can’t help but wonder how the younger does it. How can he act so nonchalant after making Chan’s world spin ten times faster than it should? How, with a simple kiss, can he stop time from moving forward?
Chan stares at the lights on his wall. Pink, white, black, pink, blue, white, black, pink. Like it’s crawling across his wall. Like it’s alive, and can’t be contained. Chan shouldn’t be thinking about Felix, but he does anyway. He shouldn’t be thinking about his feelings toward Felix, but, just like the lights, he can’t contain it any longer. Pink, blue, white, black.
5.
“I heard you’re heading to LA?”
“Yeah,” Hannah says, “Got accepted at Uni there. Might finish my Bachelor’s, but I’m not sure. I just wanna feel it out, yeah?”
Chan frowns. He can’t help but sound concerned for his younger sister, “That’s so far from mom and dad, though. You sure about this?”
He sees his younger sister roll her eyes, “Chris, you literally left for Korea at thirteen.”
The older chuckles. It does calm him down a bit. He won’t admit it to her, but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. The states isn’t as nice and forgiving to women, and its political climate isn’t ideal. But Chan supports her. If this is what she wants, he’d help her with whatever he can.
Chan was about to say something when his dorm door opened.
“Jinnie?” A voice yells out. It’s Felix, wearing a hat, ripped jeans and his Jordan’s. And Chan’s hoodie. “Oh, hey, Chan.”
Felix sees that Chan’s on a call with someone, and he makes an apologetic face.
Chan waves the concern off, telling Felix to come closer. The older says, “It’s Hannah, come say hi.”
Felix runs toward the couch and squishes his face beside Chan. He smiles really wide and says, “Hannah! How are you?! It’s been so long! I missed youuuuuuu~”
“Oppa,” the young girl says, “I saw you after the concert. Stop being dramatic.”
All three Aussies chuckle.
Hyunjin comes out of his room, and says hi to Hannah as well. He walks toward their front door, wanting to put his shoes on.
Chan looks at Felix, “You guys going shopping?”
Felix nods, “Yeah, gotta grab stuff before we go on tour. Do you need anything?”
“Nah, I’m good,” Chan says, “Text Bin though, he was saying something about running out of shaving cream and sunscreen.”
“I already texted him, Hyung,” Hyunjin says from the foyer. He tells Felix that he’s ready to go.
Felix says goodbye to Hannah, then faces Chan, “I’ll see you later, yeah? Seungmin’s craving Minho’s cooking again, and I saw him with a grocery list.”
Chan laughs and says yes, before stretching his neck and pressing a kiss on Felix’s lips. Felix was quick, kissing him back. The younger pulls away and walks away, saying bye again.
Chan catches Hyunjin give him a weird look, then to Felix, then back to him. That’s when he realized: I did it again.
His mouth doesn’t seem to work. He couldn’t defend nor reason with himself. Hyunjin and Felix already left, but Chan’s eyes linger at the door now closed.
His stupor, however, is broken when he hears a sharp, “What the hell was that?!”
Oh, fuck, Hannah’s still on the line. Chan tries to tell Hannah that it was nothing. That’s just how they say goodbye, Felix and him. Hannah scoffs at this idea, and asks a million questions. Chan tries to tell Hannah that it was no big deal, that it meant nothing for both of them.
Did it?
+1
Chan’s tired. So fucking tired.
He just finished rehearsals for the day, then realized he had to submit the finished title track by the end of the week to the higher ups. That’s two days from now, and he barely managed to pull it together. Oh, and his laptop decided to crap out in the middle of his work. So yeah, he’s had a long day and he’s tired.
He enters his dorm at 2am, and finds the entire apartment dark, except for some flashing lights in the living room. He sees Felix eating popcorn with Han sleeping on the other side of the couch.
The younger looks up and flashes his signature grin. No matter how tired Chan may be, he still has the energy to smile back at his sunshine.
Felix stands up, puts the bowl of popcorn on the table and approaches Chan. He whispers, trying not to wake Han, “Hey, Channie-hyung. Long day?”
Chan just nods.
“Have you eaten?” The younger asks, to which Chan says no. The older receives a frown from the other. Felix adds, “Han and I have some leftover takeout. Do you want me to heat it up?”
Chan shakes his head no.
Felix nods, “I can make you tea? Chamomile, to help you sleep?”
Chan thinks about it. “What about hot chocolate?”
Felix smiles immediately. That he can do. The younger tells Chan to go wash up and change, he’d take care of the rest. Felix even grabbed Chan’s backpack, and practically shoved his leader to the washroom.
When Chan comes out of his shower, he calls out for Felix.
The younger replies, “In here! Your room!”
Chan walks to his room, seeing Felix sitting by the foot of his bed. Felix had a mug in his hands and a grin on his face.
Chan sighs and thanks Felix, but grabs some clothes to change into first. He turns and sees the mug by his bedside. Felix is tucked in under the blanket, waiting for Chan.
Felix starts, “I also put your sheets for you. I came in your room hours ago to steal a hoodie, and saw you didn’t have a bedsheet. You didn’t even put it in the dryer before you left this morning.”
Chan sighs into Felix’s lap. He closes his eyes and takes in Felix’s smell. He smells like popcorn, lavender, and a little bit of Chan. Must have been his hoodie. As the younger plays with Chan’s hair to help him relax, Chan thinks, I don’t deserve Felix.
He must’ve said it out loud since he hears the younger chuckle.
Chan can’t help but ask, “Aren’t you sleepy?”
Felix shrugs, “Wanted to wait up for you.”
Chan gives him a questioning look. The younger then says, “Knew you’d be tired and would come home late, so I wanted to wait up for you. Because we don’t share a room anymore, I missed being the last one you see before you sleep. And I liked being the first thing you see when you wake up, too.”
Chan sits up this time, a clear frown on his face and eyebrows knitted so tightly. His voice hoarse and cracked, as if it pained for him to ask, “Why would you say that?”
“Why not? It’s true.”
“You don’t- you shouldn’t say that,” Chan starts, “Felix, I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending that we kiss so nonchalantly, like it’s just what friends do. Friends don’t do that. And if others do, I don’t see you as a friend anymore. I like you - fuck, ‘Lix, I more than like you. I’m afraid that one day, I won’t be able to stop myself and I’ll just kiss you sincerely. Honestly, I want to. I wanna kiss you - I want to kiss you in here, when it’s just us. I want to kiss you in front of the kids, in front of a large crowd. I want to kiss you even in front of JYP! I would even kiss you in front of Hannah, and I don’t care if she teases the shit out of me because - Fuck, Felix, so you can’t say that shit if you don’t mean it.”
Felix blinks. Once, twice then smiles, “And if I tell you not to be afraid? What if I say, Chan- Chris, I want you to kiss me.”
Just like that, it feels like the world stopped spinning. Like the ocean stopped its waves from crashing against the shore, or how the wind stopped howling against the mountain top. Chan can feel his heart still for a moment. All at once, he remembers their first kiss, no matter how chaste it was. The cherry flavour lingering on his lips, the electricity underneath his skin. He remembers the warmth of Felix’s palm as he cupped his cheek in his studio. He remembers the regret he got for not kissing Felix goodbye before he moved out of his grasp. He remembers the LED lights: pink, blue, black, white, like all the emotions creeping, crawling and moving inside him.
Chan says, “Say that again.”
“Chris, I want you to kiss me.”
And so he did. Chan rushed toward Felix’s lips like his life depends on it. He knows how Felix tastes, and he knows what Felix’s lips feel like. But somehow, this kiss tasted different; felt different. He feels whole. Chan has found that one thing he was missing, but never knew was absent.
Felix.
Chan had thought about kissing Felix multiple times before, sure, but it never really compared to what is happening now. Chan can feel all his anxiety, his nervousness, his tiredness, his desperation - all of it dissolves into enthusiasm, passion, kindness, and love. He cups Felix’s jaw and touches the soft, freckled skin. Their kiss deepened, and soon Chan was able to also know Felix from within. Hands roamed Chan’s neck, his back, his shoulders, and gripping his arms for more. Chan thinks- no, Chan knows that Felix wants this as much as he does. Felix wants him as much as he does.
Felix pulls away from the kiss, grin reaching from ear to ear. The two share a light laugh, until Felix presses his lips against Chan once again. Chan retaliates by peppering Felix’s face with light kisses, until Felix started laughing and fell backwards onto the pillows.
They stare at each other under the LED lights. Pink, blue, black, white.
Chan can feel his sleepiness take over. He tries to fight it, but Felix tells him not to.
“Go to sleep, Chris,” Felix says, pulling Chan closer to him. The older rests his head onto Felix’s chest. Chan loves Felix’s warmth, his smell.
“When I wake up, will you still be here?” Chan mutters. He looks up, despite being afraid of looking at the younger. Despite being afraid of rejection, of possible torment of temporary bliss. Despite being afraid.
Felix smiles and kisses Chan’s nose, then his lips, “I love being the first thing you see when you wake up.”
“And the last thing I see,” Chan finishes Felix’s sentence for him.
Chan sees Felix differently now. His love, his home. He stares at Felix before his eyes closed. He sees Felix’s love uncontainable, unshackled, and under a new light: pink, blue, black, white.
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