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Kai watches Sara as she hurries to get her things together, bag swinging around wildly as she runs across the house, anxiously shoving things into it. She checks once, twice, three times to make sure she has everything.
Sara is 12 and she gets to go to Interactive today. It's her first one. She will attend every Wednesday night, from now on, replacing the younger kid's weekly class of Recreation Nights. She is beyond excited.
Kai is 22 and his heart aches. Every Wednesday night, since she became old enough, since she turned 8, he has taken her to Recreation Nights. Delivering her to her torturers. Weekly deceit and lies wrapped up in ribbon and sprinkled with glitter.
He remembers becoming the Chidouin family 'housekeeper' - essentially, adopted son without the papers - at age 14 and doing the same thing. Rushing out of the house, thanking the Chidouins, and running down to Interactive at the church.
Every day Kai wishes he had someone stop him on his way to church. Stop him and tell him he's wasting his life. Stop him before even more damage is done to his already broken self.
Every day Kai wishes that he could be that for Sara.
But Kai is a coward.
Kai has been taught to be afraid all his life. Scared of hell, scared of damnation, scared of sin, scared of being wrong, scared of thinking wrong, scared of disagreeing.
Even when his faith is gone, the church's influence rears its ugly head at every corner, a poison seeping into his brain. Soaking all thought and feeling until it's infected him, dying his insides an ugly black like he's a dirty washcloth.
No matter how much you wring out a dirty washcloth, the stains remain.
So all Kai can do is try to protect Sara as best he can. That's why he drives her to the church, personally. That's why he waits in the building, wandering around the halls.
He does not care to turn on the lights. The feeling of being watched does not go away. It has never gone away. The eyes of God are on every surface. Kai runs his fingers along the wall and cries.
His tears are quiet, as he has trained them to be. Always quiet, always reverent. Quiet hands, folded or in your lap. Quiet voice, that says only pleasant things. Quiet tears, quiet anger, quiet terror, so the Holy Spirit can be there. Loudness drives away God.
Kai wished he could be loud. God is not welcome and yet His presence is overbearing.
Kai recalls a memory, one that he dearly hopes Sara has forgotten by now. Though he doubts it. Even with his blur of a childhood, moments like these always stuck with him in high definition.
Sara couldn't have been older than seven. She had come into Kai's room, as he lived with the Chidouin's full time. She had tears in her eyes and had scratched up her arms with her fingernails, ugly red hot lines running up and down them.
Her sobs still haunted Kai to this day.
"There are- there are eyes everywhere, Kai. Make- mmake them go away."
Kai had taken her into his arms. She had clenched her eyes shut as hard as she could, her little body trembling.
"Why is God wat-watching ME? I- I haven't done anything, Kai. I- I pprayed for so long aand- and they won't leave."
She had begged him to believe her, that she wasn't a sinner. She had been too young to deal with that. She was still too young now.
Sometimes Kai wondered if Sara still saw the eyes. She certainly didn't talk about it, if she did. Though, you can't talk about much of anything here.
Memories are a dangerous thing. The bad ones are burned into one's mind, like some sick branding ritual, the hot iron leaving a scar that will last forever in the mind. The good ones are not much safer. They walk side by side with the bad ones, still infected.
Interactive must have ended, as the sound of teenagers, children, running through the halls awakens Kai from his thoughts. He quickly goes to retrieve Sara, not wanting to stay in this wretched building much longer.
She no longer has a smile on when Kai sees her. She waves goodbye politely to her friends, before hurrying to Kai. Not running, that's frowned upon in the Lord's church. It makes Him upset. Kai can see each step is calculated, making sure she stays at an acceptable speed.
He wished so badly he could free Sara from the bonds and let her run. Sara deserved to be a child, deserved to be loud and clumsy and make decisions without worrying what this could mean for her eternity. Kai does not want her to turn out like him. A broken, empty shell of a man, with no soul to call his body home.
Sara reaches him and interlocks their arms. No words are spoken as they exit the building, or as they get into the car. Before Kai drives off, he decides to start a conversation.
He feels the pit in his stomach grow deeper as he speaks. Quietly, like always. "How was your first Interactive?"
Sara takes a second to respond, calculating in her head how to say this nicely. God has eyes everywhere. God has ears too. "The lesson was on chastity."
Kai is sure his pit is going to swallow him up.
He forces back a noise of disgust. "And how was that?"
"I… guess it made sense. I don't want to talk about that though. But the leaders said that they got revelation."
Kai hums a noise of recognition and starts the car. "It gets less awkward." It doesn't.
These sanitized conversations make Kai want to rip his hair out. He wants to pull Sara into a hug and tell her never to believe a single thing that the church says. That she is never a licked cupcake or a plucked rose or a piece of chewed gum or whatever sick method they've invented to shame kids into thinking they do not have worth.
Kai wants to leave this cursed place with her. He's thought about how to do it. It's an idea that he's almost obsessive about, much of his free time spent fantasizing about the possibility. Not as if he has much free time.
Despite that, he returns them to their home. Despite that, he parks the car in the driveway. Despite that, he opens the house door for Sara with a deep bow as he always does. Despite that, he takes off his shoes as he enters. Despite that, he climbs the stairs, and heads to his room. Despite that, he kneels down by his bedside, and for the first time in a while, Kai says a prayer.
He falls asleep kneeling shortly after, blotchy faced and teary eyed.