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Elliot loved Tuesdays. He liked Fridays too and he liked the weekends, but he loved Tuesdays more than any other day in the week because on Tuesdays he had a standing lunch date with Olivia. It started early in the summer when they decided to be intentional about their friendship “for now” (and about more than friendship, which they didn’t voice but both knew) and it had slowly morphed from coffee when they had time to a standing appointment every Tuesday. They spent time together other times too; sometimes she invited him to have dinner with her and Noah, sometimes he invited them to family brunch, occasionally they met up for a Sunday morning walk. But Tuesdays were nearly written in stone.
He was whistling when he got off the elevator and headed down the hallway into the squad room. He waved at the officer manning the desk, then noticed that the door to Olivia’s office was closed and the lights were off.
“She’s out sick.”
Elliot glanced over at Amanda and furrowed his brow.
“Sick?”
“Yeah.”
“Olivia Benson called in sick. Really?”
“I was shocked too. I’ve never known her to take a sick day.”
“Yeah, she sounded rough,” Fin said as he came into the room with a cup of coffee. “Never thought I’d see the day.”
“Well yeah, last time she was sick she ended up getting framed for murder,” Elliot muttered as he checked his phone for any messages from her.
“Wait, what?” Amanda asked with an arch in her eyebrow. “Framed for murder?”
“Yeah, Tucker arrested her, Langan represented her, and Stabler bailed her out,” Fin recalled. “I’ll tell you all about it later.”
“This is too much information and also not nearly enough,” Amanda said with a frown.
“I’m gonna head over and check on her,” Elliot mumbled, mostly to himself. “It’s gotta be bad if she didn’t even try to come in.”
“See if you can convince her to stay home for a few days. The second she’s not knocking on death’s door, she’s gonna try to come back.”
“Yeah, I will.”
Elliot left the room without saying goodbye, and sent Olivia a quick text to let her know that he was going to drop by with some lunch. She didn’t respond, but he didn’t expect her to. Hopefully she was sleeping.
He stopped at the diner and ordered their usual to go, along with a quart of chicken noodle soup. He wasn’t sure what kind of sick she was but soup could always help and if she wasn’t able to eat right now, Noah could have the food for dinner. He thought about getting a few groceries too, but he wasn’t sure what she’d want or need.
Maybe someday he’d be able to do more for her, but right now he wasn’t going to push it. He was already walking a thin line by using the key she’d given him for emergencies.
His hands were full but he managed to get the door open relatively easily. The apartment was dark, save for the light from the TV, and Elliot spotted Olivia sleeping on the couch under a pile of blankets. He set the food on the kitchen counter, then crouched next to the couch and reached over to see if she was running a fever. If it was there, it was slight.
“El?”
“Hey Liv.”
Her eyes were barely opening and he could see that they were pink and a bit swollen and watering slightly.
“‘S not Covid,” she said before clearing her throat. “Checked three times.”
“Annual sinus infection and fall allergies?”
“Yeah. My whole head hurts.”
“I’m sorry Liv.”
“Time is it?”
“Almost one.”
“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry! We were gonna have lunch!”
“It’s okay Liv. I brought lunch to you. Are you hungry?”
“I don’t know. Can’t taste much anyway.”
“When was the last time you drank anything?”
“Uh… this morning?”
She scowled and whined and Elliot bit back a laugh. He never wanted her to be sick, but she was insanely adorable when she pouted like that.
“What’s wrong?”
“I ruined my coffee! I was trying to make pancakes for Noah. I went to put the Bisquik in a bowl and creamer in my coffee but I switched them. I put the Bisquik in my coffee. And that was all I had left!”
“I’m sorry,” Elliot said as he cupped her cheek in his hand and ran his thumb under her watery eye. “Tell you what. Let’s get some food in you and then I’ll go pick up some groceries and you can nap some more.”
“Okay. You love me?”
“Yeah Liv,” Elliot said with a smile as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. “I love you.”
She smiled and he stood up from the floor to plate up their food for lunch. He wasn’t sure if she was being so agreeable because she was really that sick, or if it had more to do with him. With them . Whatever it was, he’d take it.
She was mostly upright by the time he came back to the couch with the food. She was looking at several opened boxes of over the counter medication and he smiled at the concentration on her face.
“I can’t remember what I took,” she explained. “I remember it was something.”
“Well that narrows it down,” Elliot laughed. “When did you buy all this?”
“Last night.”
“Alright, well this and this are once a day, so we’ll set those aside for tomorrow. Did you ask the pharmacist if you could take all these at the same time?”
“She said it was okay.”
“Alright. You got the good Sudafed.”
“Well I wasn’t gonna get bad Sudafed,” she said with a scowl, as if he was stupid.
“Yeah, I know. When was the last time you took anything?”
“After the coffee disaster.”
“So you’re probably due for this one and this one,” he said as he squinted at the dosing directions and handed two boxes to her.
“You’re getting old.”
“It’s not too small, it’s just dark in here.”
“Sure it is.”
“Callin’ me old while your reading glasses are literally right next to you. That’s cold Liv.”
She grinned and took the medicine, then sat back on the couch and curled her legs underneath her. Elliot handed her a giant mug with the soup in it and she scowled as she looked at his plate with longing.
“Soup first. I put Tabasco in it, just the way you like. And eat some of those grapes too. I didn’t know if you’d want purple or green.”
“You’re very sweet El, but I see bacon on your sandwich.”
“Yes there is. Your half is in the fridge.”
“You’re nice.”
“I do my best. Eat up and then I’ll get you some coffee.”
“Wow, you’ve got it bad.”
“Olivia, are you trying to flirt with me?”
“You’ll know for sure when I’m flirting, Stabler.”
“Oh yeah? What was your little game of grab-ass last week?”
She giggled and shrugged.
“I like to see you yelp in front of your kids and come up with reasons for it other than that I pinched you. I didn’t mean for you to say you thought you saw a mouse and it is NOT my fault that your mom refused to get down from the coffee table for an hour.”
“You could have said something!”
“What was I gonna say? “Sorry kids, I grabbed your dad’s ass and he has no idea what to do with himself.” Yeah right.”
“Well maybe it would stop their speculation.”
“A lot of things would stop speculation, Elliot.”
She locked her eyes with his and didn’t look away and he wasn’t sure he had the wherewithal to play eye-sex chicken with her. Here she was, so sick that she’d called into work and couldn’t remember when she’d taken medicine but somehow she was still knocking him on his ass.
“Damn it Olivia,” he muttered after a moment when he finally looked away. “You could kill a guy with that stare.”
“Oh, I hope not. I wanna keep you around for a very long time.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You have a lot of making up to do.”
He sighed and she grinned before taking a bite of the soup.
“I think I still owe you from the time you took the girls to that concert,” Elliot said. “You remember that? Kathy was going to take them but then the twins got sick. What concert was that? Boy band something or other.”
“Backstreet Boys,” Olivia recalled with a nod. “That was such a fun night.”
“Really? You didn’t mind hauling two squealing teenage girls to a concert on your one night off that week?”
“I didn’t mind at all, even if we did have to go into Jersey for it.”
“And you let them crash at your place that night too.”
“Well we went to a diner for milkshakes afterwards and they were both so hyper, I wasn’t going to unleash them on a house with two sick kids and two exhausted parents in it. They decided to try and stay up to watch the sunrise but they were looking out the wrong window and didn’t realize it until the sun was up. I really miss when they were young like that.”
“You’re a good friend, Liv.”
“I am. Which is why you will never owe me for stuff like that. I loved hanging out with your kids. I still do. You owe me for a lot of other stuff, but not that.”
“Alright then, deal.”
“Deal.”
“So, what are we watching?”
“I dunno. I was watching Double Jeopardy earlier but I couldn’t follow it so I turned it off. What do you want to watch?”
“I dunno, what do you want to watch?”
“Elliot.”
“What? It’s your sick day. You get to pick.”
“Will you complain about what I pick?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Okay, I’m holding you to that.”
Elliot chuckled and watched as she scrolled through some movies until she found what she was looking for.
“Oh no! Liv!”
“You said you wouldn’t complain!”
“ Sleepless in Seattle? This is your sick day movie?”
“It’s my guilty pleasure! It used to be You’ve Got Mail until I realized how problematic it was that he was catfishing her. I had to switch to this one. Don’t complain.”
“Can I make fun?”
Olivia thought for a moment.
“Okay, you can make fun.”
Half an hour later Olivia was cuddled into Elliot’s arms with her legs draped over his lap while she slept lightly. They were both lounged back on the couch and he’d pulled one of her blankets over them both. He was stroking his fingers through her hair and had forgotten the movie as he looked down at her. They’d stepped over some kind of line about a month ago; it could still mostly be construed as a close friendship, if friends were allowed to hold hands in the car and cuddle on the couch and playfully grab asses. Of course, Elliot didn’t think that he and Olivia fit into any set of societal rules.
They hadn’t crossed The Line yet. They hadn’t even kissed except for hands and foreheads and cheeks and last week he’d managed a peck on the end of her nose before she laughed and pushed him away. It was flirty and it was fun, but he wondered if that was enough for her. Fin told him he hadn’t seen Olivia so happy before, not even back in the old days. The situation was different now; there was a potential and a hope that hadn’t been there before. The same potential and hope that Elliot thought may have developed if he had stayed all those years ago.
He was a fucking coward.
“You were gonna get me coffee,” Olivia slurred as she snuggled further into him.
“I still can. You gotta let me up though.”
“Sleepy.”
“Yeah. How much of that Benadryl did you take?”
“Just the one you gave me. It’s just a sleeping pill.”
“No, it’s for allergies.”
“Diphenhydramine,” she mumbled. “Benadryl and some forms of Unisom, and other sleeping pills. It just knocks you out so you don’t know you’re miserable.”
“You can’t go to work but you can pull diphenhydramine off the top of your head.”
“I’m real smart.”
“You’re really sleepy if you don’t care about grammar. Let me up and I’ll go procure some coffee.”
“Can you order it? Or… delivery.”
“Order two cups of coffee for delivery?”
“Get it from that one place. Order a cinnamon roll too.”
“You are so demanding, Olivia,” he said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Good thing you’re so fucking cute all the time.”
“Yeah, good thing. You’re really comfortable. It’s kinda annoying.”
“Why? Because your 87 pillows ain’t got nothing on me?”
“Yeah. How’m I supposed to sleep without you?”
“You don’t have to, you know.”
“Elliot Stabler, are you flirting?”
“You’ll know when I’m flirting with you Liv.”
“When you start fumbling?”
“Hey! I’m smooth. You have no idea,” he said as he dropped several kisses into her hair. “What kind of coffee do you want, honey?”
“That one that had the stuff in it.”
“Specificity is not your thing today is it?”
“I’m sick. Honey .”
He snickered.
“I think it had turmeric in it. Is that the one you were talking about?”
“Yeah. You liked that place, right?”
“It was a bit experimental for my refined palate, but I think I can find something.”
“Your refined palate,” Olivia said with a laugh. “You’re dumb.”
“You’re the one who put Bisquik in your coffee, honey.”
“Yuck it up, baldy.”
“Wow, really going for the heart there aren’t you?”
“I’m vicious.”
“Vicious as you lay here cuddled up and barely able to open your eyes?”
“My wit is vicious.”
“Yeah, sure. You keep telling yourself that.”
“You just watch yourself, honey.”
“I’ll be sure to. Coffee will be here in twenty minutes.”
“And a cinnamon roll?”
“Yes, and a cinnamon roll. You think I’m a chump?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess that’s fair,” he conceded as he slid a bit further down on the couch. “Do you need me to get Noah for you later?”
“No, he has dance after school and then Lucy will drop him off here on her way home from her other job.”
“Okay. What’s he going to want for dinner?”
“I dunno. He’s very picky but he also likes gross stuff. Like… you know those little freezer pizzas?”
“Like DiGiorno?”
“No, worse. The ones that come in the plastic bag. They’re like the size of a plate maybe?”
“Oh yeah. I guess they’re kid friendly.”
“Yeah but my kid likes them from the microwave.”
“I am trying so hard not to be absolutely horrified.”
“He also likes grape jelly rolled up in a tortilla.”
“That’s a crime, Olivia.”
“At least he’s fed. He does like fried chicken though. Maybe that?”
“Sure. Do I need to shop?”
“No, I just went on Sunday.”
“Okay. Go back to sleep, honey.”
“El?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Liv.”
Olivia fell asleep again after the coffee came. Elliot was amused at how sleepy she was and how little she seemed to be filtering her words, but he was pleased when she curled up next to him again to go back to sleep. It wasn’t the most comfortable way to sit for more than a few minutes, but every time he moved slightly she whined and pulled herself closer.
He couldn’t wait to tease her about this, but he’d have to save it for a while. He didn’t want to make her self-conscious about it when their relationship was so perfectly undefined, or she might never do it again. Instead he shifted them around on the couch, shushing her when she grumbled, and managed to lay down along the cushions and keep her cuddled against his chest.
The TV was still playing but he wasn’t paying much attention to it. He was much more interested in watching her sleep and playing with her hand. He hated knowing that if Olivia ever had someone take care of her when she was sick or hurt, it probably wasn’t like this. She deserved that and every time he thought about the fact that she’d gone without it, he hated himself a little more. Olivia always rolled her eyes and sighed heavily when he brought up things like this. They’d talked about his leaving and the ghosting and he had apologized so many times. For Olivia it was settled and she assured him that she wanted to move on, but he had a hard time forgiving himself for hurting her so deeply.
Maybe that’s why they hadn’t committed or crossed any lines. Maybe he was the one holding them back. They’d been in a similar place before; when he and Kathy were in the process of divorce there had been so many times when it felt like Benson & Stabler was going to become something more. But Elliot always held back, afraid of scaring her, afraid of losing her, afraid of shaking up his family.
For a seasoned cop who had escaped death numerous times and still strutted around the city with obvious bravado, Elliot Stabler had based most of his life decisions on duty and fear. It hadn’t made him happy. Other than his kids, Elliot regretted many of his adult decisions, which had always left him feeling a bit empty.
Except for this woman laying in his arms. She made him feel alive. She made him feel wanted. She made him feel loved. She made him feel more like himself than he’d ever felt in his life.
What in the hell was he waiting for?
“El, it’s too much food,” Olivia said, wrinkling her nose as he handed her a plate of dinner.
“Starve a fever, feed a cold,” he replied.
“That’s such bullshit, Elliot. You know that started in the fifteenth century? They were still bleeding infection out of people back then and you want to over-feed me on that basis? It’s not even a cold Elliot, it’s a sinus infection. What does your little four hundred year old medical manuscript say about that?”
“You know, your rant is so much less effective when you’re losing your voice.”
“Fuck you Elliot.”
“Now, now. Say that nicely.”
She scowled and he kissed the top of her head before walking back into the kitchen.
“Well Noah, how is it?”
“It’s great!” Noah reported. “I never made risotto before. I don’t really like food that’s good for you.”
“Well this isn’t great for you, if that makes you feel better.”
“Yeah. Thanks for teaching me. Could you write down the recipe? Then if mom gets sick again, I could cook for her.”
“That’s a nice idea bud. You’ll never be able to read my handwriting but I can type it up for you. Sound good?”
“Awesome!”
“Do you have any homework you need to do tonight?”
“Yeah, a little. Wanna help me?”
“Sure. Whenever you’re ready.”
“I’ll go and get it. Are you good at math?”
“I’m not bad at math.”
“I’ll take a chance with you then.”
Noah hopped off the barstool and went into his room while Olivia came into the kitchen and handed Elliot a sticky note. He took it and broke into laughter at what he saw. In her very best, most perfect cursive, she’d written “Fuck You” and drawn flowers, butterflies, and little clouds around the words.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about getting another tattoo. This would be just about right, I think. Maybe right over my heart. That sounds good doesn’t it?”
“No,” Olivia croaked. “It needs to be where you can see it at all times. So you never forget how I feel about you.”
“You’re gonna make me fall in love with you.”
“I haven’t already? Damn. Fallin’ down on the job.”
She shuffled back out to the couch and he reached into his back pocket for his wallet, tucking the sticky note into one of the credit card slots. It was where he kept one from 2009 as well. She’d been annoyed with him then too and he couldn’t remember why now, but she’d been so frustrated that she’d forgotten his birthday and then handed him the note with a glare.
Happy Birthday, you’re the worst. Love, Liv
It still made him smile.
“Elliot?” Noah asked as he came back into the room and climbed up on the barstool. “Can I ask you a serious question?”
“Of course, bud. What’s up?”
“Am I going to use math when I grow up?”
“All the time,” Elliot answered. “You won’t really know you’re doing it though. It will just be a part of problem solving and it will come naturally to you. Why do you ask?”
“Because we’re starting fractions now. And I understand them and I know that I will use them for cooking like we did earlier. But will I use it for other things?”
“Here and there. You’ll probably use percentages more, but that’s mostly fractions anyway, just in a different form.”
Noah nodded and tapped his pencil on his chin.
“I guess it’s okay then. It’s just not as fun as the other subjects.”
“Yeah, I know. What do you think you’ll want to be when you grow up?”
“I’m not sure,” Noah answered. “There’s so many things. Mom made me promise nothing dangerous. Uncle Rafa made me promise to consider being a lawyer but no pressure. I just don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah, you’ve got time. I think you’d be able to do anything you wanted, if you set your mind to it.”
“I used to want to be a racecar driver, but that was back when I was just a kid.”
“Oh yeah, that’s a long time ago,” Elliot said, trying not to laugh. “When I was your age I wanted to be an architect.”
“That would be cool. Hey mom? What did you want to be when you were my age?”
“I can’t remember for sure. I know that I wanted to be a librarian at one point and there was a few months that I wanted to be the first female president. Oh, and a pilot. But I think I really always wanted to be a cop.”
“I wish I knew. It would be a lot easier to plan things out.”
“Well let me tell you something buddy. Almost nothing goes according to plan.”
“Hmm,” Noah said as he thought. “So what you’re saying is that I should prepare for disappointment?”
Olivia’s eyes flicked to Elliot quickly, warning him to rectify this situation immediately.
“Not at all. You should prepare to be flexible. Some of the best things in life aren’t planned. Think I planned to meet your mom?”
Elliot looked back at her and they stared each other down while Noah glanced back and forth between the two of them.
“Are you guys talking with your eyes? Gotta be honest, kinda rude.”
Elliot’s eyes peeled away from Olivia’s as he laughed. Noah was definitely Olivia’s child in a lot of ways, but he could see Fin’s influence as well. It was almost the same tone that the detective had used when accusing Elliot of watching Olivia’s backside.
“Anyway, I’m just saying, you never know when great things are going to happen.”
“That was a little cheesy but I get it.”
“He’s cheesy and he has dad jokes,” Olivia said as she leaned down and kissed the top of Noah’s head. “What are we gonna do with this guy?”
“Keep him, I guess.”
“I guess so too,” Olivia said softly. “Good thing we’ve got three cushions on our couch huh?”
“Yeah,” Noah agreed with a smile. “You can use it sometimes, Elliot. Sometime I’m gonna make mom watch all the Harry Potters. You can watch too, if you want.”
“You got it. I’ll even make you some butterbeer.”
“Cool! We’ll definitely keep you!”
“You need to sleep in an actual bed, Olivia,” Elliot grumbled as he tugged on her hand. “Let’s go. I’ll even braid your hair and tuck you in.”
“You’re annoying when you’re sweet.”
“I don’t know how to take that, Liv.”
“I don’t know how I meant it.”
He nodded and helped her up from the couch, turning the lights off as they went. The steam from her shower had helped her headache, but she was still congested and a bit cranky.
“Climb in bed, I’ll do your hair.”
“You were serious about that?”
“I’m a full service Florence Nightingale here, honey.”
“You know what I really want then? What I need more than anything else in the world right now? What would make me so happy?”
“Uh… what?”
“One of those strawberry Fruitopias that we used to get before stakeouts.”
Elliot laughed.
“You mean the one I would get and you would steal?”
“The one we would share. I would never steal!”
He smirked and tugged on the gray hoodie she wore.
“And this?”
“It was abandoned. I rescued it from your locker. I’m actually a hero.”
He smirked and ran his fingers through her damp hair to get the tangles out, then split it into three sections.
“I don’t think I can get you that Fruitopia, but I did see some sparkling apple cider in your fridge.”
“Hmm. I’m good.”
He leaned forward slightly to see that she had closed her eyes, and he took his time in braiding her hair neatly and letting his fingers rub her scalp and graze over her ears and neck as he went.
“There you go. Ready for bed?”
“Yeah. Are you leaving?”
“Figured I’d stay. Then you can sleep in and I can take Noah to school. And you never know, you might need an alibi.”
“Okay.”
“Not gonna fight me on that?”
“I’m tired, El.”
He let the words rest between them for a moment before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back against his chest.
“Me too honey.”
“I like us,” she mumbled sleepily. “You. Feels safe.”
“Always safe with me. I love you.”
“I love you too. Thank you for taking care of me. Nobody has before.”
“I’m sorry for that Liv. You deserve better. I want to be here for that whenever you’ll let me.”
“Can you hold me until I fall asleep?”
“As long as you want. Anytime.”
“For good?”
“For forever.”