Chapter Text
Zim was not new to the concept of dating. In fact, he had researched it extensively back when he first entered Hi Skool. He was disgusted yet intrigued by how his fellow classmates would stand outside the halls and smash their mouths together despite the chagrin of those around them, completely unbothered by the teachers’ screams to get to class and the hall monitors uncomfortable glances. Still, with all the research he’d done and questions he’d asked his peers, he felt like he didn’t have a good handle on what dating really entailed. Sexuality and its labels meant nothing to him, he found all humans disgusting. The only humans he didn’t find absolutely repulsive were the ones who were masculine, but only because they were the most similar to Irkens, seeing as they were usually flat-chested, muscular, and tended to have the least amount of hair.
Zim found that dating had even more arbitrary rules as couples split and intermingled with others, sometimes even grouping into more than one. Of the few rules he could gather, he found them all to be ridiculous. Supposedly, one was that you were not allowed to date an ex of a friend, but you also weren’t allowed to date the ex of someone who wasn’t a friend. Another was that you were not allowed to have another partner too soon after breaking up with a previous partner. Another, but less followed rule was that you were not allowed to date your own ex. Then, there were the relationship dynamics. Some couples were ok with allowing their partners to have friends of their preferred gender, while others were staunchly against it. Some couples described the same behaviors positively and negatively, such as calling it “jealousy” vs. “protectiveness.” Humans and their romance were so hypocritical and so fascinating at the same time.
However, all this research into dating had not prepared him for the day he would be asked out by none other than Keef during junior year. Many of their classmates had been saying that Keef was romantically interested in Zim for a while, but Zim never paid it any mind. He found the boy to be a nuisance.
“You… would like Zim to be your love-pig?” Zim stated with crossed arms, watching as Keef nervously played with his own hoodie strings. They were far from the eyes of any of their peers, having moved to the parking lot during a free period they shared, but Keef still looked around nervously like he expected someone to jump out and pants him just for standing there.
“Y-yes! I think you’re really cool, Zim! I have for a while…” Keef said, his face tinting a pink color that Zim had come to know as blushing.
“The answer is no. If you must cry, please do it now. I will enjoy watching.” Zim smirked. He may have given up his plans to destroy earth long ago, but he still very much enjoyed watching human suffering, and what better way to make a human suffer than rejection?
Keef sighed, not exactly the reaction Zim was expecting, but any show of disappointment was good for him. The ginger-haired boy gave a small chuckle and scratched the back of his head, “yeah, I was sort of expecting that answer. I just wanted to get it out of my chest.”
“Your chest?” Zim raised a hairless eyebrow.
“It’s a figure of speech. I meant that I wanted to tell you because holding my feelings in was starting to feel a bit… sad. But hey, we could always just go on a date first, and… maybe you’ll change your mind?” Keef asked hopefully.
This caught Zim a bit off guard. In skool, all he’d ever heard about were people dating, not going on dates. He knew what dates were, of course, he’d watched them on TV and deduced that they were a series of activities you could perform with another to see if you enjoyed spending time together. He thought that it was only a thing that happened on TV because of that. Perhaps this would be a good chance to find out more about human dating. Plus, turning down Keef after giving him hope that they could be mates would definitely give him a more desirable reaction.
The corner of Zim’s mouth raised just enough to be a smirk as he said, “I’ll think about it.”
He watched with devious delight as Keef lit up, beaming with excitement. “R-really? Oh wow! I-I didn’t think you’d actually agree to that. Ok! Well, you have my number so just let me know! I’m always around!”
Zim waved Keef off with a dismissive hand as he leaned back against the brick wall behind him, “Yes, yes, I will send a message. Now go. Your presence is becoming irritating.”
Keef was more than happy to oblige and ran off with a pep in each step.
Once Keef was out of sight, Zim let out a sigh. His relaxation was short-lived when a very familiar, very irritating voice pierced the air.
“Zim!”
Zim spun his head around to see Dib speed-walking towards him like his feet were on fire. Zim rolled his eyes.
“I saw that! What did you talk about? Did he agree to help you with some scheme to take over the world? Huh?” Dib got up in Zim’s face, pointing an accusing finger at his chest.
Right. Zim had never told Dib that he was no longer planning to conquer earth. Why would he? It wasn’t any of Dib’s business. The Tallest had deemed him defective and cut off communication with him just before they’d entered Hi Skool. Zim was absent for most of their freshman year because of it. Dib had come by multiple times over the summer to try and find out what Zim was planning, but he could never get past the lawn gnomes until 3 months had passed, and Zim finally gave up trying to stop Dib from coming in. He thought, what was the point? He had no purpose if he wasn’t an invader. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad just to be dissected and get it over with. However, when Dib saw him in that mopey state, he did something unexpected. He stayed. He didn’t threaten to turn Zim in, he didn’t try to put him in cuffs, and he didn’t even ask him what had happened. He would just come over, sometimes with snacks, sometimes with movies, and sometimes with games. The human was stupid like that, showing compassion for those who didn’t show him the same. His whole mission of trying to protect the earth was stupid. No one cared for his antics. If Zim were in his position, he would have tried to burn down the world a long time ago. Zim may have been stubborn, but Dib was persistent. No matter how many times Zim tried to keep Dib away, Dib always found a way to re-enter Zim’s life. Maybe Zim hadn’t been trying as hard as he thought to keep him away in the first place. Perhaps that’s why he never told Dib he wasn’t trying to conquer the world anymore. Plus, it was entertaining to see the human get all huffed and puffed whenever he thought he was up to some sort of scheme. Sometimes, Zim would even concoct fake schemes just for Dib to foil. It gave him something to do. Though, It was a little annoying when Dib would foil an actual plan of his to-do smaller-scale crimes like bank robberies, creating human mind-slaves, or any other unethical experimentation he would attempt on various life forms.
So maybe Dib’s assumption wasn’t completely off. Zim was up to something, but Dib was smart. If he told Dib that he had just rejected Keef, he would certainly call out Keef’s demeanor to be too upbeat for it to have been a complete rejection. On the other hand, if he told Dib that he accepted Keef’s proposal, Dib would immediately recognize Zim’s feelings as false and try to warn Keef away from him. Zim stared into Dib’s eyes for a moment before finally preparing a plan in his head.
“It’s none of your business, Dib-beast.” Zim covered the lower half of his face as if to conceal a blush, though one was most certainly not present.
Dib’s features contorted into confusion, and he pressed on, “What do you mean nothing? Spill the beans, Alien, I know you’re hiding something!”
Zim turned away from Dib and held onto his own arms, “You wouldn’t believe me. So just go back to your stink! Zim plans nothing!” He had to hold himself back from smiling. Hopefully, by dragging this out, Dib would either stop questioning him or fall right into his trap. Either way was a win.
The tension in Dib’s shoulders released, and he took a step forward to place a hand on Zim’s shoulder, causing Zim to flinch. Ok, so physical contact was not something he expected, but he could work with this. Dib tentatively turned Zim around to face him, and Zim moved with his hand. Once their eyes met, Zim suddenly felt his own heart-rate pick up (or his human equivalent of a heart, at least). Dib was close enough that Zim could practically count the sun-kissed freckles on his face. He held his breath. Why did his body feel like he was about to enter fight-or-flight mode? He knew that Dib certainly wasn’t about to try and fight him, not yet at least, and yet he couldn’t get his body to calm down. And why did Dib have to look at him like that? It was the same look he’d grown accustomed to whenever Dib found him in his schmoopy mood. That look of concern.
Zim’s face grew hot.
“You’re turning a really dark green, Zim are you–” Dib blinked in surprise for a moment, “Are you blushing?”
Zim felt his face become even hotter, “Zim does not blush! That is merely a human thing you… HUMANS do!” he had to relax, follow the plan he’d laid out in his head.
Dib snorted and pulled back his hand, opting now to put it in his jacket pocket. “Alright Zim, what did Keef say to you that’s got you all… ‘not’ blushing.”
Finally. Things were heading in the right direction. “If you must know… Keef asked Zim to be his love-pig, and I said no… but… then he asked if I wanted to go on a date.”
“A date?” Dib shifted his weight from his left foot to his right and back again, standing in a more awkward, bent-over posture, “and… what did you say?”
Zim’s gaze fell to the floor and he shrugged, “I… said ok. I don’t know why. I thought maybe… It wouldn’t be the most terrible thing in the world. But I have no idea how to participate in human ‘dates,’ so I’m a little…” Zim counted to three in his head before suddenly turning away as if he were going to run, “forget all you’ve heard! Zim said nothing–!”
“Wait!--” Dib grabbed his wrist.
Zim bit his lip to stop himself from smiling as he let himself be grabbed.
Dib quickly let go of Zim’s wrist and let the alien turn to face him on his own. “So you’re… nervous about going on a date? That’s… all you were up to?”
“I knew you wouldn’t believe Zim.”
“No no no! I… I believe you I just–I didn’t think you would ever accept going on a date with Keef of all people. I mean, it’s Keef.”
Zim didn’t have an answer for that since Dib was pretty much right. He would never accept going on a date with Keef due to romantic feelings. At least Zim’s plan had worked; He’d gotten Dib to believe he was just nervous about going on a date.
Zim was surprised to see that Dib didn’t excuse himself though. Instead, he bunched up his shoulders and looked off to the side, biting the inside of his cheek as if debating whether or not he should speak.
“You are tensing up, Dib-thing. Speak.” Zim frowned.
“Well, I mean… If you’re nervous about going on a date, I can… give you some advice?” Dib suggested, finally looking up at Zim at the end of his sentence and throwing him an anxious smile.
Zim stared at him for a few moments and burst out laughing after deducing that he wasn’t joking. “You? Give Zim advice? You couldn’t get another human to date you even if they threw themselves at you, which the Gretchen-human frequently does, by the way.”
Dib’s face turned a deep red. Zim could practically see the fumes bursting from Dib’s ears as he responded, “first of all; I don’t like Gretchen, so that’s why I’m not dating her, and second of all; I am not bad at giving dating advice just because I haven’t dated anyone before!”
Zim only continued to laugh harder and held his middle, curling over his stomach as if it were the funniest joke he’d heard. “You would be a terrible date!”
“Wanna bet?!” Dib said, taking a step toward Zim.
Zim smirked and closed in so that their faces were mere centimeters away, not one to back down from a challenge. “Prepare for failure, Stink-beast. Take Zim on a so-called ‘date,’ and we will see who is right. It will be good practice for me to learn how to act on my real date with Keef.”
“You’re on.” Dib shoved Zim back and walked off back into school, seemingly not even realizing he had just angrily agreed to go on a date with Zim.
In fact, Dib had not realized until he had re-entered the school that he had pretty much just bet he would be a good date to his worst enemy. He stopped short in his tracks and felt heat rise up in his chest.
oh shit.