Chapter Text
You can find the original italian version here
I can’t stand my bedroom up with blankets on the couch, it’s killing me, I’m burning up inside. I’m a mess right now and I’m just freaking out – Freaking out, A R I Z O N A
The cold floor was freezing Felix’s body. He was hot – pretty normal for someone who spent the past four hours dancing – but he could feel cold chills running through his back as he laid down facing the ceiling. His view was the same as always: the beige ceiling which was the same color as the furniture, pretty boring, and red walls surrounding him. He put a hand through his dyed hair, but he retracted it disgusted: he was sweat form the head to the toe. He kept looking at the room, at the large mirror and the black leather couch, and thinking to himself how fast things has changed. He still couldn’t believe he became an idol, he felt like a fever dream. Now, he had a whole career to prove to be good enough for that kind of world where there was the constant need to be successful. Those kinds of thoughts kept him awake, making impossible for him to fall asleep peacefully. His insecurities and worries were eating him alive, and they didn’t give him not even a chunk of rest. There were also times when he stayed awake thinking about Hyunjin.
Felix moaned while he sat because Hyunjin had always been a sensitive topic for him. During his – short – life, Felix was pretty sure he had never thought about someone so deeply before Hyunjin appeared into his life. Since the very beginning, the guy with the most beautiful smile on earth had intrigued him. He wasn’t sure how he ended up thinking about him day and night, not even how Hyunjin succeed to take a permanent place into his mind, but now he was stuck there, and no one could kick him out. Not even Felix, the owner of his mind. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to because who would truly kick out Hwang Hyunjin?
For the ninth time, Felix got lost into his thoughts. Completely enslaved by his own mind he almost didn’t hear his phone going off. He stood up and took his phone that he’d left on the couch. With his numb muscles and his t-shirt completely soaked of sweat he answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Oi Felix, where the hell are you? When are you gonna be home? It’s really late”
Felix smiled when he heard Chan apprehensive voice on the other side of the phone. He always behaves like his older brother.
“Sorry Chan, I was caught up with dancing and didn’t notice it, I’m coming back”
He heard a relieved sigh.
“Ok, we are waiting for you, Minho ordered late night snack for everyone”
When Chan mentioned food, his stomach grumbled.
“I’ll be there as quick as I can”
When he closed the door behind him, he smelled the food and heard laughter coming from the living room and filling up the whole house. While he was taking off his shoes, he was engulfed in a hug. He recognized instantly the perfume of flowers and citrus – rose and tangerine – and the blonde dyed hair.
“You are back” Hyunjin mumbled into his neck. His voice was low and raspy, and it made Felix blushed. Every time Hyunjin was this close to him he freaks out, or as Jisung like to say, he goes into a full gay panic mode.
He let Hyunjin hug him and waited patiently for him to let go and go to have dinner together with the others, but he seemed like he didn’t want to.
“Jinnie, I was gone for just a few hours, we saw each other this morning”
“I know, but…I missed you”
His heartbeat sped up like every time Hyunjin said something sweet to him. Hyunjin let go of him unwillingly and smiled. Felix felt dizzy: Hyunjin was wearing an oversize white t-shirt and some black shorts. His hair was pulled back by a hairband and he wasn’t wearing any makeup. Ok, maybe Felix was dying because his heart was beating like crazy, and it wasn’t humanly possible to survive that. He lifted his gaze from his friend and saw the others looking at them.
“Hey lovebirds, if you are done there is fried chicken” yelled Minho with the chopsticks pointing directly at them. Felix almost burst into flames for embarrassment and saw Hyunjin tilting his head so that his hair was hiding his expression. It was long enough to cover up his profile, but not enough to hide his red neck.
Dinner – or as Chan said “late night snack” – ended pretty early for their standard between laugh and cries. Everyone was going to bed, four of them getting ready to go back to their own dorms. Felix was putting on his shoes when he felt someone pulling his sleeve. He lifted his head and for the second time that night he saw Hyunjin staring at him. He cheeks were a little red – probably for the alcohol they drunk – and he was biting his lower lip nervously.
“Do you really…have to go?” Hyunjin mumbled avoiding his gaze as he was afraid to see a rejection in Felix’s eyes.
That was impossible because the freckled boy wasn’t physically able to reject him, and he was painfully aware of that.
“Jinnie, it’s really late, we all should go to bed”
His friend kept biting his lower lip, then closed his eyes as he was looking for an excuse to keep him there with him. They stayed like that for minutes that felt like hours – Hyunjin was still holding his sleeve – and Felix decided to observe his profile illuminated by the artificial light of the dorm: his eyes were half-closed, his lashes long but not enough to cover his mole under his left eye. Objectively, Hyunjin was a good-looking guy, but in the eyes of Felix he was also a beautiful soul, if not the most beautiful he had ever met. He felt his heart warmed up.
At some point, Hyunjin had opened his eyes and was looking straight into his eyes:
“Can you sleep with me?”
Felix blushed.
“N-not in that way, just…sleep with me just tonight” his friend added quickly.
Completely caught off guard, the only thing that Felix was able to do was nodding. He took off again his shoes, took his bag and followed Hyunjin into his room. He had never stopped pulling his sleeve.
When they entered, Felix wrinkled his nose as he smelled fresh paint.
“This morning I’ve painted in my room, it was too cold on the balcony” Hyunjin admitted after he saw the confused gaze on his friend face. Then, he smiled, the same smile that always makes Felix feel butterflies in his stomach.
“You should buy a stove”
“It’s not a bad idea”
Hyunjin rummaged into his wardrobe looking for something comfortable to lend to Felix for the night. Instead, Felix observed his new room: the walls were light blue all covered up with drawings made by Hyunjin himself; there was a pile of clothes in a corner of the room – probably he had to was them – the bed was perfectly made with sheets the same colour of the walls. The desk was full of pencils, crayons and papers that were covering up his laptop and there were also some paint stains on the white wood. Everything in that room remind him of Hyunjin and he felt almost overwhelmed.
He was brought back to reality by a tapping on his shoulder: Hyunjin was giving him a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.
“They are quite big for you, but they are comfortable…do you need to take a shower?”
“Don’t worry, I took one before coming here” he admitted while he was changing his clothes.
Hyunjin blushed – Felix didn’t understand the reason – and turned away from him. When both of them were in their pyjamas, they went straight to bed. Even if the heating system was perfectly working, it was cold, so they got closer under the sheets. Soon, their limbs were twisted but warm.
“Goodnight Lix” Hyunjin murmured half asleep with his face close to Felix’s.
“Goodnight…Jinnie” Felix answered still wide awake thanks to his overthinking brain.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, Hyunjin was the first one to wake up. The room wasn’t completely dark thanks to the light filtered by the blinds. One ray of sun was hitting Hyunjin in one of his eyes: he should have lowered the blinds, but he was panicking for Felix presence in his room. He wanted to get up to fix them, but he didn’t want to move away from his friend who was still sleeping.
“Lucky him” Hyunjin thought while he was looking at him. His hair was messy, his eyes closed, and his mouth was slightly open while he was drooling on the pillow. That should have disgusted him, but he found it cute.
“Hyunjin stop” he mentally scolded himself while he turned on his back so he could look at the ceiling. He was trying to ignore the calm breath of Felix and his warmth in order to mentally prepare himself for the day ahead. It became a habit to organize his thoughts first thing in the morning, but that day he was struggling a lot because his mind was clouded by Felix’s smell, his voice, and his face. He closed his eyes and sighed. Lately, his “obsession” over his friend seemed to be stronger than before: he found himself thinking about him multiple times per day and he felt empty every time he wasn’t around, just like yesterday. He hid his face behind his hands embarrassed. He couldn’t believe he really asked Felix to sleep with him. How old was he? Five? There was no excuse that could justify his behaviour but one. Even if it were true, he would never admit to Felix – or worse himself – that he cared a bit too much about him.
His friend started to move in his sleep, almost awake. Immediately, Hyunjin stood up as if he was caught red-handed and run towards the door. When he arrived in the kitchen, he sighed relieved and sat down without noticing the figure in front of him. Jisung was sipping his morning coffee looking at him weirdly.
“You are really a couple of idiots” he declared while he was shaking his head.
Hyunjin almost screamed surprised by his presence. He put a hand over his heart to calm down and looked at Jisung annoyed:
“Usually it’s ‘Good morning, how are you?’”
“Oh, right sorry. Good morning, how are you today? You know that you are an idiot?” Jisung said again while giggling into his coffee.
Hyunjin didn’t find him funny, in fact he was considering making Jisung spill his coffee all over himself.
“I don’t know what you are talking about”
“Ok Mr. Felix abandoned me for four hours to practice, so I’m gonna lock myself into my room painting all my deepest feelings and I almost cry when Changbin asks me if I want fried chicken”
“I’m sensitive when I’m painting! You shouldn’t disturb me! I-I wasn’t crying for Felix…” Hyunjin snapped back trying to defend his dignity that, for Jisung, was gone in the exact moment Felix arrived at JYP with a basic Korean.
“So, you weren’t crying because the day before you caught Felix and Chan together together?” his friend asked him with a raised eyebrow.
Hyunjin blushed embarrassed and looked away.
“Can we not…talk about it?” he asked with a low voice.
Jisung looked at him, but he didn’t push him to speak. More than anyone else, he knew how much insecurities could eat alive someone. That was the real problem: Hyunjin was extremely insecure and didn’t value himself. Rationally speaking, he knew that there was nothing between Felix and Chan and that they were just close friends. However, when he found them hugging and whispering to each other, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling insecure. He tried to shake it off, but the scene kept playing inside his head like a broken disk and he his insecurities kept getting bigger. That scene was mixing up with others, adding details and words they had never said to each other but in Hyunjin’s head everything was real. After all, imagination is a double-edge sword. Jisung was there for him – like all the other times – and he helped him to see the things how they really were. Maybe that was the real reason he asked Felix to sleep over.
Jisung sighed, almost sad, and gently smiled at him. He gave him a cup filled up with coffee and squeezed his shoulder.
“Bro, whatever happens, just knock on my door. Probably I wouldn’t hear you because I live and breathe with my headphones on, so just kick down the damn door, I won’t get mad if you need me”
Hyunjin lifted his gaze “Thank you Jisung, I love you”
He didn’t know exactly why he expressed so openly his feelings, but two minutes after he found himself squeezed between Jisung’s arms who was sobbing:
“Bro…my bro…I love you too”
“Please, stop saying bro”
“Ok bro”
Felix has always thought that he is subtle with his feelings, but he never considers those moments where he shares too many things about himself. That afternoon was cold: the studio wasn’t really that warm, so he was really happy to wear those big comfy sweaters the stylist gave him. The room where they were shooting had white and yellow walls and a little white couch. They were shooting the new season of Two Kids Room and this time they would shoot an episode per couple. Felix was really excited to spend some time with his members, but at the same time he was really nervous because the very first episode was Hyunjin and him. Just the thought of speaking heart to heart with Hyunjin in front of cameras made him nervous.
He didn’t have enough time to mentally prepare himself because he was called by their manager to start the shooting. Hyunjin was waiting for him on the couch, so Felix took a deep breath and sat down next to him. They started to talk about this and that and he soon realized how dumb he had been because there was nothing to be afraid of. At the end, he was just Hyunjin – the guy he had a crush on – but still Hyunjin. They jump from a topic to another: Hyunjin’s drawings, when they go shopping together, their matching rings until their conversation became deeper. Hyunjin wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at the cameras, but he was still listening to him. Felix promised himself he wouldn’t, especially in front of the cameras, but he couldn’t stop himself.
When Hyunjin asked him to speak in English he lost himself into a maze of thoughts and feelings that he tried to suppress most o the times. At the beginning, he tried to be vague, referring to all the members, but at the end he felt the need to speak about the guy in front of him:
“When I think about you, I feel like I have another reason to live, but it’s too much that I sometimes need to calm down” Felix realised that he would have been better not saying the last words, but he couldn’t stop anymore “I can always think too seriously about you”
Hyunjin giggles nervously and surprised at his statement, but he had never looked at him. Then, Felix realized he fucked it up. He didn’t have time to speak to him because Hyunjin run away as the shooting ended. He had to shoot another episode. For Felix, that was the proof he fucked it up for good.
They didn’t talk for the rest of the day because they were really busy with the show. The only interactions they had were always in front of the cameras. When they all had to go back home, Felix avoided him as much as he could, so they didn’t end in an embarrassing situation, and Hyunjin did the same. The others noticed the change in behaviour of the two, but because they weren’t present during their shooting, they didn’t know what happened. The trip back home was more silent than usual: each of them went straight back to their dorms to rest, but Seungmin. Seungmin sensed that there was something wrong with Hyunjin since the had left the studio, so he decided to find out what was going on.
He knocked on the door and, in less the two seconds, Changbin opened it.
“OOOOOH SEUNGMIN! Are you here to see me?” his friend yelled with a squeaky voice while making some cute faces. Seungmin closed his eyes feeling the last drop of patience fading away, but he had to resist the urge of hitting his hyung in the head for Hyunjin.
“I’m actually here for Jinnie, is he in his room?”
As he said his friend’s name, something in Changbin eyes changed – like he was disappointed – and rolled his eyes.
“Princess is in his room; he didn’t even have dinner with us”
“I thought so”
He didn’t say anything more and went straight to Hyunjin’s room. He knocked but no one answered.
“Jinnie? It’s me, Seungmin…can I come in, please?”
After two seconds, the door unlocked, and he went in. Seungmin closed the door behind him and the first thing he noticed were some drawings on the desk that seemed new.
“Did I disturb you?” he asked Hyunjin who was sitting cross-legged on the bed. His head was low, and he was biting his lower lip. He had already taken his make up off and he was wearing his pyjamas, but his hands were covered in colourful stains that were probably crayons. He had likely drawn all those new drawings so he could sort out his emotions as he usually does. For Seungmin that wasn’t a good sign: Hyunjin is a really sensitive person, so it worries him every time he doesn’t speak about his feeling.
“Don’t worry…” Hyunjin whispered “sit wherever you want”
Seungmin sat beside him and looked at him with a soft expression.
“Tell me” he simply said hoping in a positive response, but Hyunjin kept his mouth shut. Instead, he started to play with his ring clearly frustrated. He felt naked and vulnerable under Seungmin calm and patient gaze because he knew he couldn’t lie to him. After all, he was the one among the members that knew him the best and he was also the one with he felt safe. And yet, he didn’t want to talk about it because talking about Felix meant talking about a part of him he wasn’t ready to face.
“Jinnie, I know that something is up and pretending that nothing happened is not the best option” Seungmin said while placing a hand on his knee to comfort him. That single gesture made Hyunjin break down. Hyunjin started to cry, sobbing really loudly, and he couldn’t breathe. On the other side, Seungmin was taken back by his brutal reaction and, suddenly, he hugged him. hyunjin kept crying while hiding his face into his friend’s neck soaking his t-shirt with tears and snot. Seungmin didn’t say anything and let him pour out all of his emotions. When he finally seemed to regain control of his breath, he detached himself from his friend’s grip and started to talk between a sob and another:
“F-Felix s-said that I-I’m one of the re-reason he’s still alive”
“And this makes you cry?”
“N-no, it doesn’t…he also said that some-sometime he feels too much, Seungmin, he t-thinks a lot about me” he kept saying while sobbing, his face completely tears-stained “do you get it, Minnie? He thinks about me”
“So? Is it a problem if he thinks about you?” Seungmin softly asked moving some of his hair from his face with one hand and looking for tissues with the other.
“Yes, because…because I also think about him, a lot…too much, Seungmin” admitted Hyunjin looking down on his lap while sniffling. When he calmed himself, Seungmin passed him a tissue. Even if he stopped crying, he still had some tears that were blurring his vision and staining the sheets of his bed. He was looking down at the spots, embarrassed and scared of his own words. He wasn’t ready to look at his friend and see his expression because he didn’t want to talk about it, or rather he wasn’t ready to admit that this part of him existed. He knew Seungmin wouldn’t judge him, but could he say the same thing about himself?
Suddenly, he was hugged again. Seungmin was holding him really tight:
“Hyunjin, it’s okay, if you like Felix it’s okay” he whispered while brushing his finger through his hair to comfort him “if you like guys it’s okay”
Honestly, if it weren’t for his sore throat and his stinging eyes, he would have cried again.
“I don’t know if I like being like this” he admitted
“Even if you don’t like it, you cannot change the way you are, you cannot control your feelings” Seungmin reminded him while he was keeping stroking his hair gently.
“I’m not…ready to tell this to the others, or Felix”
“It’s okay, you’ll do it when you are ready…no one will judge, definitely not Felix”
Hyunjin nodded and stayed silent. He tried to turn off his brain, stop thinking and enjoy that hug, but he couldn’t. He managed to avoid that topic until that day. He had never had a good relationship with himself. In fact, Hwang Hyunjin didn’t like himself and he would change many things about his personality if he had the power. Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t have any problem with diversity, actually, he admired it. He admired all those persons that love themselves and weren’t scared to be different. He wished he had the same courage as them, but there were a thousand of reason why he couldn’t and didn’t want to. Even if it were beautiful to read and watch people coming out and being accepted, it was a totally different experience when it comes to yourself. The support from friends and family didn’t matter to him, because if he didn’t accept his diversity no one could make him change his mind. And deep down he knew that the problem wasn’t his crush for Felix, but everything that that crush meant.
Shooting the new MV in the middle of February with just a leather jacket on was the second worst thing that happened to Felix during that week. As much as he liked to charm people, he was pretty sure it could still do it with a warm coat on. Or at least with something warmer than a plain white shirt. He scoffed, tired and frozen to the tip of his nose due to the cold wind that was blowing all over that part of Seul. “I’m so lucky” he thought before looking at the other members busy shooting their own scenes. When he’d finished, Felix left the others, observing his friends from far away, because he needed space to think about his situation. And he wasn’t talking about the freezing-ass shooting, but Hyunjin. Sadly, Hyunjin started to avoid him since the shooting of their episode of Two Kids Room. Every time they had accidentally found themselves alone, he’d run away or used his phone as an excuse not to talk to him. However, Felix didn’t seem to be the real problem because Hyunjin was behaving the same way even with the others. He couldn’t understand the reason, but he knew that whatever happened last week, Seungmin knew it and didn’t have any intention to tell them. In fact, the day after the shooting of Two Kids Room, Changbin and Felix went out for lunch, and he told him that Seungmin was in Hyunjin’s room all night because he was crying his eyes out. When Felix asked for the reason, Changbin couldn’t give him an answer.
“I didn’t eavesdrop” Changbin said while he was cooking some meat.
“But did Hyunjin really say nothing when you arrived home? Nothing at all?” Felix asked a second time a little in panic. Changbin lifted his gaze for a brief moment looking at him closely:
“I’ve already told you: he run into his room as we arrived home and this morning none of us saw him going out…Chan knocked on his door, but no one answered…when he opened it he found it empty”
Felix started to bite his inner cheek and wiping his hands all over his face:
“Hyung…I made a mess”
“Don’t say it, Felix, it wasn’t your fault…you know he is a bit moody” Changbin said while he was putting the meat in the dish “Hyunjin has always been really sensitive, and he gets upset pretty easily”
“But I didn’t know that saying those things would make him cry”
“Felix, maybe he didn’t cry because of you…maybe…” he didn’t finish it. He went back to focus on the food and kept silent. Felix looked at him confused: Changbin wasn’t telling him all the truth.
“Maybe what, Hyung?” he insisted.
“Maybe…listen, I shouldn’t tell you, but Seungmin came to me this morning. Or rather, I’ve asked Seungmin after we didn’t find Hyunjin and…yeah…all three of us heard him crying” admitted lowering his voice “and Seungmin told us not to worry, Hyunjin is having an hard time for personal stuff but he will come to us when he’s ready”
His heart clenched. Hyunjin couldn’t be upset, no, in Felix’s head it was unthinkable to associate something painful with the guy he was in love with. He couldn’t stand that; he couldn’t accept to just watch Hyunjin being in pain. He felt powerless, totally useless. His eyes started to sting unintentionally. Changbin noticed it and tried to smile to comfort him:
“Felix, Hyunjin will come to us, don’t worry” he put a hand over his.
“I know…but I feel powerless…it’s unfair, Hyung, Hyunjin doesn’t have to suffer alone, he cannot suffer without me being there for him” he admitted feeling tears running down his cheeks.
“You feel like this because you’re in love”
Felix blushed. He couldn’t deny it any longer: he was in love with Hyunjin, he has been for years. He wasn’t sure when that happened because it was so natural that he didn’t even realize it. Everything began with simple gestures: Hyunjin taking his hand, Hyunjin laughing at his jokes, Hyunjin painting one of their photos as a gift for his birthday, Hyunjin playing with his hair, Hyunjin crying for Felix’s gift and more. In short, he was really easy to fall in love with him, it wasn’t his fault. It was so easy to care for him, so much that he wasn’t even surprised when he realized that maybe – maybe – he cared for Hyunjin more than what he actually thought. The smell of cooked meat brought him back to reality and he realized he didn’t answer Changbin.
“Lixie? Are you there? Did you hear me?” he asked curious snapping his fingers in front of his face.
“Yes…I was just- I was thinking that you are right” Felix said and started eating his food. A pair of chopsticks fell onto the table.
“WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU SAYING THAT I’M RIGHT? DO YOU ADMIT IT?” his friend yelled surprised at his words.
“Are you shocked because I’m saying that you are right or the Hyunjin thing?”
“Both, more for the Hyunjin thing”
“I know I’m in love” Felix stated looking Changbin straight into his eyes “I’ve always known it and I don’t think I do a great job at hiding it…I think everyone knows it, even him”
In that moment, Hyunjin appeared into Felix’s sight and his freshly dyed red hair brought him brutally back to reality. He was wearing tight fitting black leather pants with a t-shirt as much tight as the pants. Definitely, they didn’t leave anything to imagination – Felix’s was going crazy – and emphasised his new hair colour. The day before, when Hyunjin came into the practice room, he almost passed out. He was talking to Jisung while sipping his coffee when his crush appeared. No need to say that Felix choked on his coffee and the others started to yell surprised. He started to cough when he felt Jisung patting his back:
“Bro, pull yourself together, it’s not the right time to drool over him” Jisung whispered while he was still patting his back a bit too hard.
“OUCH! And you call this ‘helping someone’??? You’re destroying my back” Felix pushed his hand aside and took a deep breath to recover. He lifted his gaze and saw Hyunjin talking to Minho while putting his hair into a ponytail.
“Shit”
“Yeah, shit” Jisung got close to his ear so that no one could hear him “don’t get hard here in front of everyone”
“JISUNG!” Felix yelled blushing really hard. Naturally, the scream drew everyone’s attention. They were really curious of whatever Jisung had said, especially Hyunjin who was looking at them with his head lightly tilted. Felix’s heartbeat sped up: he was so cute. For this reason, he looked away still blushing.
“Sorry guys, it’s my fault ah ah ah”
“We had no doubts” Jeongin said back rolling his eyes.
“HEY! FOR YOU IT’S JISUNG-HYUNG! But I’ll forgive you if you kiss me Innie” Jisung said, and he started to chase after his friend with his lips ready to kiss him. Everyone laughed at the two that were running and yelling like two mad men. The only one who wasn’t really laughing was Hyunjin who looked uncomfortable. Of course, Felix noticed it and he felt the urge to take his face between his hands and ask what was going on, but he didn’t do it. He let it slide for all day, actually, all week ignoring Hyunjin’s vacant look. He did what Changbin had told him: he didn’t ask any questions, but it hurt. It hurt to pretend he didn’t care about the person he was in love with when he knew there was something wrong and that it could be his fault. In fact, he decided to confront him. Maybe it wasn’t the right time, but at least he didn’t have any excuse to avoid him.
Felix called his name and Hyunjin turned to look at him surprised. Regardless his nervous eyes, he got closer to him. When he was in front of Felix, he didn’t say anything at all: he just started to play with their matching ring.
“I need to talk to you”
Hyunjin kept playing with the ring without saying a single word. He sighed and lowered his gaze:
“L-let’s talk another time”
“No, we are both over with the shooting and we are going home in some minutes”
“Then, let’s talk at home” Hyunjin smiled weakly trying to make him change his mind.
“No, Hyunjin, you keep avoiding me when we are home even if I live next door, I want to talk now” he said brutally. Hyunjin looked at him surprised by his tone of voice, but he didn’t say anything, he just nodded.
“What’s going on, Hyunjin? You have been avoiding all of us since our episode of Two Kids Room”
Hyunjin trembled as if he were scared to answer and whispered “I’m just really tired…”
“Bullshit!” Felix said back switching to English because he was tired to hear the same excuse every day “don’t lie, not to me, tell me what’s going on, we can solve it”
“Felix no, I can’t tell you…I…can’t talk about it” snapped his friend that seemed on the verge of tears.
“Why not? Hyunjin, there’s nothing wrong-”
“STOP SAYING THAT! THAT STUPID LINE, STOP SAYING THAT! I CAN’T STAND IT, OK? I CAN’T CHANGE HOW I FEEL!” Hyunjin snapped with red eyes and clearly angry.
Hyunjin’s screams were heard by all the staff and even the others that looked at them curious. Chan himself stood up ready to intervene.
“Jinnie, I don’t want you to lie about your feeling, tell me what’s wrong, be honest” he insisted lowering his voice so that he couldn’t be heard.
“Don’t you get it? I can’t talk to you, because…because…” he was going to cry ad Felix couldn’t stand it. the last thing he wanted was to make him cry again.
"Jinnie, everything I’ve said that day is true, ok? I think about you every day, and it hurts me knowing that you are upset, I can’t turn a blind eye. I want to be there for you, stand by your side and be the shoulder to lean on when you are not ok. I want you to feel free to tell me everything because when I’ve said that you’re one of the reasons I’m still here I wasn’t lying, I don’t know where I’d be now without you. Please, don’t leave me behind, tell me what’s wrong because…” he took a deep breath in “because I think, actually I’m sure, I care about you not in a platonic way, Hyunjin”
Hyunjin lifted his teary eyes and looked at him shocked. Felix’s heart was beating really fast, scared by his own words.
“I…shit, I love-”
“Don’t” Hyunjin stopped him with his hands and a vacant look on his face “please, don’t say it”
“Why?” Felix asked annoyed and hurt by his behaviour “would it change something if I don’t say the exact word? Are you saying that everything that have happened till now didn’t mean anything for you?”
“N-no, it’s not that, Felix…I can’t”
“You can’t or you don’t want to?”
“I…don’t know” Hyunjin admitted with a sad face. He wasn’t looking at his face, he couldn’t even stand it.
“Ok…you are not ready to face it, are you?” Felix said with a bitter smile “you always run from your problem, walk away from the others, you only know how to run away”
Despite knowing it wasn’t absolutely true, Felix said it just to hurt him as much as he was hurting him. Hyunjin lifted his head with his eyes still full of tears and Felix regretted every single word: he hurt him more than what he actually wanted to. He wanted to say something more to fix it, but Hyunjin run towards the van. From far away, he saw Seungmin following him.
Suddenly, Chan appeared in front of him shaking his head disapproving:
“Felix, what have you done?!” he asked him scowling, but Felix didn’t reply and lowered his head to hide his teary eyes and sighed.