Chapter Text
I could almost forget that Amber and I shared a past. As we made our way through the daily shuffle of school and work, we got lost in routine. We got lost in each other as the individuals we were now, and not then. Most times when I looked into Amber’s eyes, I saw him and not the person he once had been, the person I had missed the for the last ten years.
But then there were those moments, few and far between, where out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the photos on the wall or our childhood drawings. Or maybe I saw a hint of Wen Wen in his easy smile.
Those moments of memory—like the pain of an old injury that twinges whenever it rains—were able to take me back to a time when I was mourning someone I’d thought had forgotten about me. The sadness was still there, even though Amber was now here. And I wondered how that could be. Missing Wen Wen shouldn’t be possible anymore because I loved Amber. I truly did. Whenever my mind went away like that, guilt came along for the ride. I felt like I was cheating on him, being unfaithful. When those feelings came, the loss, the sadness and guilt were tiring. And I wanted nothing more than to just be alone.
Amber didn’t understand. Because how could I tell him? How could I say that I missed him, when he was right there in front of me?
He looked up at me with those big doe-eyes, and asked again, “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong, A’Le?”
“No,” I lied, reaching for his shoulder and lightly shaking him back and forth. “Nothing, I’m just tired.”
He smiled, a little sadly. “Okay, you should rest. I’ll just head back.” He motioned toward the door of the café, where we’d just flipped the sign to closed. “See you tomorrow?”
I nodded and kissed his forehead. “Tomorrow,” I echoed.
He smiled again and turned to leave. And I let him go. I let him go without even a “goodbye” or “be careful” because at that moment, I was missing her. Someone I’d never see again. It was then, watching him walk out the door into the night alone, that I acknowledged for the first time the other feeling that had started to churn inside. Anger. Not at Amber. But an anger at nature that had somehow conspired against us, at those parents who had made decisions on their own, at the ten years of lost time we would never get back. I felt terribly, horribly wronged.
I sighed. That was a new and unwelcome feeling.
I’d had no idea that it would reach a boiling point the next day in a most unexpected way.