Archive of Our Own

Renjun is Jeno’s best friend; he likes washing his face with lukewarm water, wiggling his toes to calm his anxiety, and spending time with his mom. They’ve known each other ever since Renjun’s family started living in the house next door to Jeno’s one day, ten years ago. 

Back then, Jeno had been too nervous of a ten-year-old to make friends. The day they went over to greet their new neighbours, he stood hiding behind his mom’s tall body and blushed from his chin all the way to his forehead when his mom pulled him out by his hand - be polite and say hello, she said. The first time Jeno saw Renjun he was so small in front of him, drowning in a shirt five times too big for him, one that had cocoa powder stains all over the white fabric. And when Renjun returned Jeno’s greeting with a snaggle-tooth grin, hiking his sleeves all the way up to his elbows to offer an overly excited handshake, Jeno felt even shyer; but he accepted it in earnest, noticing instantly the birthmark on Renjun’s skin. 

Renjun’s mom was a short lady, much shorter than Jeno’s mom. When she bent down to Jeno’s level he could see that due to her warm smile she had lines of happiness decorating the corners of her mouth and when her lips opened into a grin he saw that her teeth were slightly crooked to match Renjun’s. 

‘We’re baking if you’d like to come in, Jeno?’ 

Jeno wanted to say yes but he felt too embarrassed. With a soft no thank you, he bowed his head politely and slowly backed away. He could hear the tsk’s of his mother behind him — ‘do you see what you’ve done? You went and made the poor boy upset, Jeno!’ — but he kept his head down until he crossed over the threshold into his house. 

When Jeno was ten he met Renjun for the first time and knew from that moment on he only ever wanted to see him smiling. So that night, after he went back home and retreated into his bedroom, he looked out through his window and watched the small silhouette of his new neighbour moving around behind his curtains; he crossed his heart, promising to himself and to the stick-on glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his ceiling above that he would stay by his new neighbours side no matter what. 

☆彡

When Jeno is thirteen he realises that Renjun isn’t just a friend to him, he can’t be; not when he makes Jeno’s heart rush the way it does. 

The summer sun is shining down where they sit on the grass, underneath the big tree in the green across from their houses. There are no socks or shoes on their feet, the grass is warm under their toes and there’s not a single worry in their heads— 

‘Have you ever kissed someone, Jeno?’ 

‘Huh?’ 

Jeno whips his head around to his friend in shock. 

Kissed someone?! 

Why would Renjun ask such a question out of nowhere? Up until now, they had been happily and quietly drawing on their sketchbooks, the ones that Renjun thieved from his mom's bedroom. Kissing? Jeno’s never even thought about kissing. 

‘Y’know! Like when grown-ups kiss each other, have you done it?’ Jeno shakes his head, no. Never. ‘What about your parents? Have they?’ 

Why is Renjun so curious? Jeno tries his best to look anywhere but his friend, to focus instead on his amateur drawing of the tree they sit against; his tummy swirls with unease. 

‘My mom and dad don’t kiss.’ He mumbles, tightening his grip on the pencil Renjun lent him. 

Oh, Renjun deflates a little beside him. He doesn’t say anything after that, only shifting a little closer to Jeno’s side. 

A few minutes after Renjun’s question Jeno doesn’t feel like drawing anymore, instead he puts his pencil down in the grass along with the sketchbook. The tree shading them from the sunlight is full and green but there are still little streams of light peeking through the branches above. Jeno looks up, allowing the rays of light to blind him until his eyes start to sting with tears. 

What about your parents? 

When Jeno thinks about Renjun’s question he finds that he has never actually seen his parents share a kiss before. His dad isn’t around much, always working late nights. Maybe their kisses are shared when his dad comes home, when Jeno’s tucked up into bed, well after his bedtime. Maybe then they like to kiss, out of sight, in secret. 

What's so good about kissing anyway? Jeno decides it can’t be that good, not if it went and ruined his day like this. 

After dinner at Renjun’s house, when everything is washed, dried and put away, they run up the stairs and into Renjun’s room. Jeno has always preferred Renjun’s room over his own; there’s a pile of storybooks beside his bed, random drawings and posters taped up on all four walls, and he even has a DVD player. Jeno likes it here. 

They’re sitting on the floor in front of Renjun’s TV, watching a random movie that Renjun’s dad brought home from work for them, when somewhere after the thirty-minute mark Renjun turns to Jeno. 

‘Yesterday, I kissed a girl.’ 

What? 

Jeno doesn’t know what to say, he reaches forward to pause the movie in hopes that the silence will help him, all it does is heighten the sound of his heart in his ears. 

He feels unsure when he asks, ‘did you like it?’ 

Renjun shakes his head. He didn’t. 

There’s a warm breeze floating through the gap of Renjun’s opened window. When Jeno looks at his friend he sees his hair moving in time with the breeze, and there’s a dustiness of pink spread over his nose. Jeno’s skin breaks out into goosebumps - it’s just the wind, it’s just the wind, it’s just the wind.

Then Renjun stands up to sit on the edge of his bed. Jeno stays where he is on the floor, he has so many more questions racing around in his head - who was she? What was it like? Was she pretty? Where did it happen? 

‘It was gross.’

‘Gross?’

‘Yeah, like, wet and gross.’ 

Wet and gross. 

Jeno wonders for a split second what it would feel like to kiss Renjun. Are all kisses wet and gross? Jeno knows that Renjun’s favourite candies are strawberry laces, he figures his kisses must taste like that, or the Yakult he drinks every day after dinner, or even the cinnamon buns his mom likes to bake for dessert. 

Renjun shrugs dismissively, though Jeno doesn’t feel ready to end the conversation, feeling too curious now. He hoists himself up from the floor to the bed and sits beside Renjun; Renjun whose feet dangle off the edge, still not long enough to touch the floor. 

‘I…’ Jeno trails off, not sure what he wants to say. Renjun isn’t even looking at him, his eyes remain focused on the cat calendar hanging from the wall in front of them. Jeno, wishing that Renjun would look at him clears his throat, trying to grab his attention. ‘Would I like it?’ 

Renjun’s head swings around, his eyes wide and his forehead scrunched up. Jeno feels himself shrink. Renjun doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, thinking to himself. I don’t know. You don’t know? Renjun is shaking his head. He doesn’t know. Of course, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. 

Jeno deflates a little, unsure of what to do now. 

‘Should we try?’ 

Huh? 

At that, Jeno turns his full body around in surprise to face Renjun; Renjun whose cheeks are slightly pinker than usual. It’s not the wind this time. It can't be. 

Should we try. Should we try. Should we try. 

Jeno’s head feels a little cloudy when he nods weakly with confirmation. Yes. Yes. Yes. He does it again, this time quicker, his heart beating just as fast beneath his grass-stained t-shirt. 

Renjun nods, clearing his throat and getting ready. He begins by leaning forward with his hands on the bed for leverage, then he starts to close his eyes and oh— Oh. It’s happening. Jeno closes his too, though he feels unsure; he wants to see Renjun, but he figures that if Renjun is closing his eyes and he has far more experience, then this must be what people do, so Jeno keeps his squeezed shut. 

He can feel Renjun getting closer, smells the fabric softener that his mom likes to overuse. But just as Renjun is right in front of him and ready to close the distance, the door of his bedroom swings open causing them both to startle back, scrambling as far away from each other as possible. 

Jeno’s heart is going insane and there’s a heatness to his cheeks that colours the same as Renjun’s.

Mrs Huang peeks her head through the open door with a plate of what appears to be fresh cinnamon buns in her hands. 

‘I brought you boys some treats,’ she sing-songs, coming in fully and setting the plate down on Renjun’s bedside locker. She looks between them, her eyebrows scrunching the same way Renjun’s always do. ‘Everything okay?’ 

Renjun is overly excited when he replies: ‘Yep! Yes! Thanks, mom!’ Grabbing a pastry from the plate and shoving it in his mouth, crumbs falling messily in his lap. 

Jeno nods in agreement, he smiles politely and takes one of the buns to eat. Thank you, he says and starts eating, avoiding eye contact with both Renjun and his mom. 

In his chest his heart is going wild, he wills it to calm down but it refuses to listen and sinking his teeth into the soft crumbling pastry does nothing to distract him. He was about to kiss Renjun, that he is sure of. What would have happened if Mrs Huang hadn’t interrupted them? Would they have kissed? Would it have been wet and gross like Renjun said, or soft and sweet? Jeno’s eyes shift to Renjun; Renjun who had just been so close, but is so far away now. He wants to reach out with both hands, wants to pull him back in. Renjun who won't even look at him, Renjun who thinks his mom picking up clothes on the floor is more interesting than what was about to happen between them. Should we try. There’s a phantom feeling on his lips, he knows they didn’t kiss but if he stays as still as possible, if he squeezes his eyes shutshutshut then maybe he can envision it. Then the words yesterday, I kissed a girl float across his eyes in big bold lettering. Jeno didn’t kiss Renjun but Renjun had kissed someone, and if by a miracle they had kissed then Renjun would have been Jeno’s first, though Jeno would never have been his. It hurts and for a brief moment he feels jealousy running through him, hot and burning underneath his skin; a feeling too strong for a kid. 

Mrs Huang makes her leave, dirty laundry in her arms. 

Renjun’s tired now and he says as much. Jeno figures tired must be synonymous with go away. 

He would never tell Renjun he’s tired. 

☆彡

They are fifteen when Renjun comes out, though not on purpose. Someone in their class sees him kissing a boy over the weekend and come the following Monday, everyone knows. Did you hear? Huang Renjun likes boys— Jeno tunes it all out. 

When Renjun sits down at their designated lunch table and asks with his head hung low, ‘do you hate me now?’ Jeno feels confused, he could never hate Renjun and tells him so. Why would I ever hate you, then I should hate me, too. He keeps his lips sealed tight. 

During the following few days, Jeno begins to notice how the kids in their year move out of Renjun’s way whenever he walks past them. Jeno doesn’t get it, he’s only fifteen but even he knows there’s nothing wrong with Renjun. How come other people don’t feel the same way? If there’s something wrong with Renjun is there also something wrong with him? 

‘Who was it?’ 

Renjun doesn’t want to say. He shakes his head profusely, — ‘I told him I wouldn’t say anything,’ — Jeno swears he won’t tell a soul, but Renjun doesn’t budge, he won’t hurt someone the same way he’s been hurt. Jeno doesn’t say a word more. 

After days of obvious staring and continuous whispering, Jeno finds the person who made everyone turn against his friend. He walks right up to them and shoves them as hard as he can. Only fifteen but still stronger than most kids he knows, shy and soft-spoken, sure, but this person hurt his best friend and Jeno made a promise to himself at ten years old to always protect Renjun. 

Renjun never receives an apology, but the whispering and the hostility around them slowly dies down. Jeno doesn’t tell Renjun what happened, he doesn’t tell him that for everything to be somewhat okay again he had to become almost as mean. Doesn’t mention that crowding up into Mark Lee’s space that one day after school actually felt good, shoving at his boney shoulders until he had tears in his eyes, until I’mSorryI’mSorryI’mSorry was falling from the same lips that kissed Renjun’s. Renjun may never have received the apology, but Jeno got it for him; he forced it from Mark Lee’s disgusting, traitorous mouth. He wouldn’t tell Renjun, Renjun should never know that such cruelty can lie hidden behind those you trust. Jeno can bear it for both of them, even at fifteen. 

☆彡

‘You can’t dictate who I can and can’t go out with!’ 

They are seventeen, sitting on Renjun’s bed; Renjun at the end with his arms crossed over his tummy, Jeno at the top, shaking his head and turning away from his friend's sour face to look out through the window instead. The days have been rolling into winter lately, it’s been raining on and off for the past week and the leaves from the trees are almost all gone. It’s starting to get colder now, too. Jeno likes winter, but he knows Renjun prefers Spring, sees it in all the blooming flowers that he paints. 

‘I can if they’re assholes,’ he mumbles to himself, finally turning back to his friend. ‘Why can’t you date someone nice, Jun? Someone who actually cares about your feelings and doesn’t just want to fu—’

‘Jeno Lee!’ 

Jeno sighs. Am I wrong? He wants to ask but bites his tongue. He can’t help but feel frustrated — they’ve been here since 5 PM, looking down at his lock-screen he sees that it’s now 5:23 — twenty-three minutes they’ve been sitting here, going back and forth over this guy Renjun has a date with tonight, the same guy that Jeno saw at the cinema kissing a girl two days ago, the same guy that’s cancelled on Renjun three times now. 

‘Whatever,’ Jeno grumbles, standing up abruptly. He picks his backpack up from the floor and puts it on, ‘if you want to go out with this guy, fine. I can’t stop you, but don’t come crying to me when he finally shows his true colours.’ 

He slams Renjun’s door behind him, cringing at the loudness of it and walks back to his own house. 

Four hours later a text comes through. Jeno’s laying on his bed mulling over what had happened earlier on when it does. He feels his phone vibrate under his pillow, and his heart pounds faster when he sees two texts from Renjun: 

u were right

Then, can i come over pls 

‘He has a girlfriend.’ 

Renjun is dripping wet from head to toe when he steps into Jeno’s room, caught in a rain shower on the way back from town. 

Jeno nods his head with sympathy. He finds some clothes that Renjun can borrow and tries his best not to think about how what is tight fitting on him hangs loosely off of his friend’s body. 

Sitting on the bed, legs crossed and facing each other, Jeno wants to reach out and hold Renjun’s hands, wishing for nothing more than to squeeze them tight in comfort. 

‘When he told me…’ Renjun trails off, picking at a small rip in the sweats he borrowed. Jeno knows he’s staring, but he can’t help it. He needs Renjun to know that he’s here, he’s listening, even if Renjun keeps avoiding his eyes. ‘This is so embarrassing.’ 

Renjun falls onto his back with a huff, he rubs his hands over his face and stares at the ceiling the same way Jeno had been just before he got Renjun’s text. Honestly, Jeno isn’t sure what to do or what to say. I told you so, isn’t a part of his vocabulary, so he sits and waits for his friend to continue. 

It’s raining again, droplets splattering all over Jeno’s window. 

Renjun clears his throat, sitting back up with a sigh. 

‘When he told me, I felt so stupid.’ He begins, ‘I have a girlfriend but we can still fool around, how horrible is that? I felt so damn stupid. I even wanted to say yeah, you know that? I wanted to say: yeah, no problem. Jeno, I’m such an idiot. I’m so god damn stupid.’ 

Then Jeno does reach out, he sits up on his knees and pulls Renjun into him. He wraps his arms around his tiny waist and squeezes him as hard as he can. Renjun is hiccuping, laughing along with his complaints of ‘I can't breathe, Jeno.’ Jeno hears him, he does, but for a second he thinks it’s fine. This is fine. If we die like this then it’s fine, I’ll die too. Let’s die like this, Renjun, together. If we die like this then nothing can hurt you ever again. I don’t care about me, I’ll stay with you. There is so much he wants to say, words that should never be spoken, he swallows them all down, hopes they burn in the acid of his tummy. He loosens up his grip but doesn’t fully let go and tries his best to ignore the pang of hurt that rushes through him at the sight of Renjun’s red raw puffy eyes when they finally look at each other. 

But even like this, Renjun is everything. To Jeno, he is everything. Drowning in borrowed clothes, cheeks blotchy and eyes shot bloody. 

‘Your heart’s beating crazy,’ Renjun whispers, moving in closer, placing his small hand over Jeno’s chest. 

‘You must make me nervous.’ Jeno teases but it's not a lie. 

Renjun rolls his eyes, shoving Jeno back, ‘you’re so dumb.’

That night they curl up together in Jeno’s single bed, too small now for the both of them but they make it work; Jeno with his tummy pressed against Renjun’s back, his arm slung over his waist. Can you feel my heart like this? It’s beating like crazy now, too. 

‘You deserve better,’ he mumbles into the skin at the back of Renjun’s neck. 

Underneath the covers, Jeno can feel him wiggling his toes. 

The words someone like me remain unspoken. 

☆彡

Hurt has a variety of forms. Sometimes, it comes as harsh words spat by someone you once loved, flinching when they land. Other times, it’s an email to say you’re not getting that dream job you prepared day and night for, stressing over interview questions and applications. It can be a mother coming home after a long day, finding that there’s still housework to be done. But for Jeno, hurt greets him in an acceptance letter; shiny black ink on crispy white paper - we are pleased to inform you that you are being offered a place—

Renjun will leave. 

Renjun, who only stayed in their small town for a short while, only a stop along the way to the real life that awaits him. 

He will leave. 

Jeno grips the letter in his hand, knowing that if he tries to speak he will fail. 

Renjun’s kitchen feels small now, smaller than it's ever felt before. ‘I’m so happy,’ Renjun had said and suddenly, Jeno can't breathe, his heart has surged up to his throat. This is too much. Shoving the letter into Renjun’s chest, he steps back. 

Eighteen and not ready to say goodbye, so he will leave first. 

Rushing out through the kitchen, down the hallway to the front door, thinking: anywhere but here, anywhere but here. 

Laying under their tree in the green across from where they grew up, Jeno watches the clouds floating away and wishes he could follow them. 

‘You’re here.’ 

Renjun finds him, of course, he does. 

‘I’m here.’ 

For a while, Renjun doesn’t say anything but Jeno can practically feel him thinking, can hear the cogs creaking as they turn around in his head.

When his voice finally breaks through the silence it’s with a: ‘you’re not happy for me.’ 

Jeno doesn’t dare to look away from the sky. 

I am, he wants to say. I am. I am. I am. Opening his mouth but nothing comes out, if I ask you to stay, will you? 

He feels somewhat like a child. A kid, pouty and upset. He’s ten again, running away from new neighbours and being scolded by his mom; you’re this, you're that, Jeno, you’re everything but what a good and proper child should be. 

Renjun tries again, ‘Jeno—‘ but overhead, when a rumble behind the cloudy sky cuts him off it’s with a flinch and Jeno’s heart aches once again; flashing back to Renjun, eleven years old and trembling all over, vulnerable beside Jeno for the first time as thunder claps around them, threatening to ruin their sleepover - I’m scared. You are? I’m really scared. ‘Don’t worry,’ Jeno had said, being brave for Renjun when he pulled him closer and wrapped a blanket around them. What are you doing? I’m protecting you. 

Rain hasn’t begun to fall yet, though from the corner of his eye Jeno can see him start to tremble; Renjun’s older now but still as scared as ever. 

I’m scared. You are? I’m really scared. 

Jeno swallows his petulance and heaves himself up from the grass, misery can wait a while. When he stands he offers his hand to Renjun who takes it and doesn’t let go, even as they rush back to Renjun’s warm kitchen. 

The rain is falling now and Jeno, who has yet to say a word, notices instantly how stiff Renjun’s shoulders are. He wishes nothing more than to reach out and ease it all away. I’m sorry, he wants to say. It’s heavy on his tongue, ready to be spoken, but it isn’t. He can’t. 

‘Tea?’ Renjun asks and Jeno nods, feeling ashamed; I’ll take your tea but I won’t speak to you, I won’t say sorry, I can’t. Renjun nods in return, switching on the kettle with his back to Jeno. He asks, ‘sugar?’ Jeno doesn’t answer, Renjun already knows the answer, please, talk to me, is what he truly means anyways. 

When the tea is made and put down in front of him, Jeno finally speaks up.

‘I am happy for you.’ 

‘You are?’ It doesn’t seem like it, he says with his eyes. 

Jeno nods and takes a sip of the tea. 

‘But you ran away,’ Renjun states. 

‘I did.’ 

‘Why?’ 

Jeno says he doesn’t know, but he knows. I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m tired of being brave. I can't do it anymore. 

Jeno knows Renjun inside out, has seen every part of him since they were ten years old, but it’s here in Renjun’s warm kitchen that Jeno realises with a great big overwhelming suddenness, that besides drink preferences and sugar quantities, Renjun doesn’t know him very well at all.

‘I didn’t get accepted,’ Jeno shrugs dismissively, he feels too defeated, too tired to care anymore. ‘I didn’t get in. I can't come with you.’ 

Since their final year of school, Jeno had been studying as hard as he possibly could to go to the same university as Renjun. It was supposed to be a surprise, a great big hey, guess what, he was going to study in secret and then surprise Renjun with his own fancy acceptance letter. He waited every day by the sitting room window for the delivery, but it never came. The damn letter never arrived. Only a we’re sorry to inform you but— Jeno had ripped it up then and there, throwing it in the trash, wiping harshly at the tears that fell against his will. 

Renjun opens his mouth to say something but Jeno cuts him off, he can’t listen to pretence sympathy. He just can't. 

‘So, you’re going to go away for however long and that’s fine,’ is what he says. ‘It’s fine.’ 

When he stands up, his chair screeches against the kitchen tiles. Renjun, who hasn’t stopped staring winces at the sound but he stands up, too. He rushes around the table to stop Jeno before he can flee once again. 

‘You can’t leave,’ he doesn’t yell but the way he grips Jeno’s sleeve is enough to stop him from walking away. 

‘Why not?’ Jeno feels bitterness fizzing around under his skin, ‘why can’t I leave? I’m only going home. Why can’t I do that? Yet you can leave and go to a whole new city?’ 

It’s not fair, Jeno knows that, knows he’s digging a hole he may never crawl back out of but he can’t stop. Renjun will leave. He will pack his bags and move on; a new city will have him all to itself. 

Renjun’s eyes are brimming with tears when he releases his grip on Jeno’s sleeve. 

‘You said you were happy for me,’ he sniffles, wiping at his wet nose with the back of his hand.

‘You don’t get it,’ Jeno shakes his head, you’re going to forget about me, he can’t say it. ‘You’ll never get it.’ 

‘Then help me get it!’ Renjun almost never raises his voice, he gets cranky but he never gets angry. Jeno feels ashamed. This is my doing. This is my doing. This is all my fault. He needs to go home, needs to go and forget all about cups of tea, of sugar and tears, thunderstorms and wet eyelashes. 

He shakes his head, backing away from Renjun. I can’t. You can’t or won't. I won't. When he turns to walk away he sees the drop of Renjun’s tiny shoulders, he sees the hurt falling as tears from his eyes. But he refuses to turn back. If Renjun doesn’t get it by now then he never will.

☆彡

It takes Jeno three and a half weeks of no texts and no phone calls to realise that sometimes eight years of friendship can mean absolutely nothing. 

☆彡

When Renjun is gone and his room is cleared of all the stuff that made him him, Jeno takes on night shifts at the cinema downtown in hopes to distract himself from the fact that his one friend has truly gone and moved away. 

There he meets Jaemin. 

Jaemin is as sweet as he is funny, he helps Jeno with the register and the card machine every time he messes up — ‘don’t worry, they always do this to me.’ — with a reassuring hand on his back. He smells like buttered popcorn and fizzy cola jellies, and Jeno kind of hopes to find out how he smells outside of work hours, too. 

It takes Jeno two months and four days to finally pluck up enough courage to ask Jaemin out. 

‘I get off in ten if you want to wait around for me?’ 

After work, they head to the green across from Jeno’s house. Jaemin says he’s never been to this side of town, and somewhere in his heart Jeno feels guilty for bringing him here. 

They sit down together against the same tree Jeno’s been sitting under for years. The sun is making its way down, getting ready to put the town to sleep and Jeno watches as it goes, shades of bright yellows and warm oranges reminding him of Renjun. 

‘Everything okay?’ Jaemin’s voice startles him out of his thoughts, for a brief second, he almost forgot his coworker was here. 

‘Sorry,’ Jeno ducks his head, sheepishly. ‘Just distracted.’ 

Jaemin nods in understanding. 

It’s nice here, he says. Jeno agrees. It truly is nice here. 

‘Is that your house?’ 

Jeno follows Jaemin’s finger that points to Renjun’s house — the lights in Renjun’s room are off and the curtains are shut, they have been for months now — he shakes his head. 

Motioning with his finger to the house right beside Renjun’s, he says: ‘that’s mine.’ 

Jaemin’s humming out an aah beside him. Jeno has to look away, anywhere but at his house, anywhere but at Renjun’s, anywhere but at sunsets of yellows and oranges. Instead, his eyes land on Jaemin. Jaemin with his knees tucked into his chest, his sunny blonde hair blowing with the springtime breeze. Jeno stares and stares and stares. He needs to forget about cinnamon buns and almost kisses. Please, let me forget. Please, let me forget. 

‘It’s kind of cold isn’t it?’ Jaemin speaks up, breaking the silence, and Jeno notices now how his lips tremble.

A question pops into his head, ‘what’s your favourite time of year?’ He asks. 

‘My favourite time of year?’ Jeno nods, yes. 

‘Winter.’ 

Oh. Oh. 

Jeno’s heart sinks deep down into his tummy. 

‘What about you?’ Jaemin asks, his head cocking to the side. 

Starting to feel cold himself, Jeno sits on his hands. 

‘Same.’ Jaemin’s eyes widen, same? He’s asking again, Jeno only nods in confirmation this time.

There’s a greyness settling in around them, now that the sun has completely gone and went away for the night. It’s no longer daytime but it’s not yet dark, though the street lights still begin to flicker to life; lighting up one by one down the street outside of Jeno’s and Renjun’s houses. 

‘Do you want to head in?’ Jaemin asks. 

Jeno closes his eyes. He feels bad, bringing Jaemin here was a mistake. Everywhere he looks he’s surrounded by remnants of a friendship that is no longer. Renjun is gone and Jeno had hoped to find him in the faces of strangers but he couldn’t. 

‘Hm?’ Jeno opens his eyes, turning to look at Jaemin again. 

‘Do you wanna go inside? It’s kind of chilly,’ Jaemin is so nice. So good, Jeno really does like him. He’s kind and caring, he shares sugar cubes with Jeno on his lunch break and sits underneath trees with him after sunset. 

But he’s not Renjun. 

Jeno swallows down the guilt and takes one last look at Renjun’s house before shaking his head; no, I don’t want to go in. You don’t? No. What do you want to do then? 

‘I kind of want to kiss you.’ 

Oh. Jaemin startles a little at Jeno’s bold and sudden confession. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes so Jeno takes it upon himself to get closer, to move from where he sits with his back against the tree trunk to kneeling in front of Jaemin instead. 

‘Are you sure?’ Jaemin is asking, but he’s opening his knees nonetheless, inviting Jeno in. ‘Have you ever kissed somebody?’ Jeno doesn’t want to admit it, but with his hands pressed against Jaemin's warm chest and his knees getting muddy in the grass beneath them, he feels safe enough to shake his head. No, never. Still, there’s no admittance to the fact that he has been saving it all this time.

Jaemin’s face softens at his answer. He doesn’t tease or poke fun, he isn’t that type of person. 

‘Come here,’ he says and Jeno crawls closer, sitting down in between Jaemin’s legs, now. ‘I’ll kiss you.’ 

Jeno nods, feeling a little lightheaded when Jaemin’s hand reaches up to hold his warm cheek and the other pulls him in closer by the back of his neck. He feels like he’s in a trance, the grey around them is settling into a deep, dark night-time blue, but he can still see Jaemin’s shiny lips, crystal clear. 

Jeno can’t take it anymore, he rushes forward. Their lips meet and their noses bump, he bounces back in embarrassment. 

‘Sorry,’ immediately, he feels shy. ‘I’m bad at this.’ 

Jaemin’s laugh is soft and without judgement, he squeezes the tip of Jeno’s ear. 

‘You’re cute,’ is all Jaemin says, ‘let’s try again later, yeah? My ass is going numb.’ 

Jaemin texts him later that night, after Jeno goes home and showers off sweat and humiliation. 

do u wanna watch a movie tmr after work? 

Jeno towels off his hair and sits on his bed, his thumb hovering over the send button. 

hi yes ofc i would love to

Jaemin isn’t Renjun and he will never be, but maybe that’s okay. 

☆彡

It’s summer when Renjun comes home. 

When the light in his room suddenly switches on one night after months of darkness, Jeno drops his phone down onto his face in surprise. Then quick as a flash, he’s up and tripping over his feet to get to his window. He spots a silhouette behind drawn curtains, the same silhouette he grew used to no longer seeing every night before bed. His heart is quick in his chest when he takes clumsy steps back, refusing to believe what his own eyes are so clearly showing him. It can't be. Renjun can't be home. 

☆彡

It takes Jeno a week of avoidance to accidentally bump into Mrs Huang, he had seen her loads before Renjun came back but now that he’s actually here, home and only a few steps away, Jeno can't bring himself to talk to the woman who watched him grow up. Until he’s forced to do so. 

‘Jeno, lovey, would you please help me with these?’ 

There are bags of groceries at her feet and more in the opened car behind her. Jeno can't say no, cursing himself for picking this time of day to go for a jog. He picks up two bags with each hand and carries them inside for her, praying to all higher power that the house is empty besides them. 

‘You okay, love?’ Her voice makes him jump. Setting the bags down on the kitchen table, he nods his head lamely. He hasn’t been here since the very last time with Renjun. Seeming to understand his discomfort, she says: ‘he’s not here, pet, don’t worry.’ 

Oh. 

His shoulders deflate, the tension flooding out of them and through the door he came in. 

Mrs Huang walks over to the kettle to flick it on, she finds two cups from the cupboard and sets them down, filling them both with sugar and a teabag each. 

‘He’s at the library downtown,’ she says, back to Jeno while she waits for the water to boil. ‘I think you’re both avoiding each other.’ 

When she sits down with two cups of warm tea, Jeno sits down with her. He can’t leave now. 

‘I—‘ 

She shakes her head, ‘it’s okay, Jen, dear.’

Suddenly, he feels like crying. 

‘I know you more than you think I do,’ she continues, blowing on her tea and sipping on it slowly. ‘I also know my son more than he thinks.’ 

She’s laughing now and Jeno’s reminded of the first time he ever met her, how he immediately noticed the lines of laughter by the corners of her mouth; they’re just as prominent now, if not more. 

‘He hasn’t come home until now, but of course, you already know that. He wouldn’t, said he felt too embarrassed.’ Jeno doesn’t understand, why would Renjun feel embarrassed? ‘I reckon you’re both as silly as each other, both as dim-witted.’ 

‘Mrs Hua—‘ 

‘Ah-ah,’ she cuts him off again with a wave of her hand, ‘I know you have been going on dates with that lovely blonde boy, the one with the bright teeth and the sunny smile.’ Jeno grows quiet, he should have been more discrete. If Mrs Huang knows then his parents know. ‘I think… Well, I say you should speak to Injun first, because god help us he won’t ever get over his pride, he needs a little help, he’s as bad as his father.’ 

Mrs Huang motions with her hands for Jeno to drink up and he does as told. 

Later, he leaves Renjun’s house with the promise of finding him to knock some sense into him locked into his pinky finger. 

There are parts of him that don't wish to see Renjun at all, but he’s a sucker for promises and Mrs Huang knew that. 

He’ll be at the library, that’s what she said. Jeno heard her loud and clear but still, as he walks in through the big glass doors he’s hit with a sudden nervousness as his eyes flicker around from head to head, trying to find someone he’s known his whole life. 

In the corner of his left eye he sees a head lifting up from the computer screen daze it’s been in, Jeno looks and— Oh. Oh. 

There he is. 

Huang Renjun. 

Almost a year later, looking the same as always. 

Jeno’s heart is jackrabbiting behind his chest, trying to get out, to break free and go to its rightful owner. 

Renjun’s eyes are on him as he walks forward, on him as he pulls out the chair in front of him and sits down, on him even after moments of silence. Jeno feels split down the middle with vulnerability. 

It’s Renjun that speaks first. 

‘Your hair,’ Jeno nods, hands reaching up to feel the strands on his head. ‘You dyed it.’

‘Yeah.’ 

Two weeks ago Jaemin had surprised Jeno with some store-bought bleach and a box of lilac hair dye. 

After a whole school year, Jeno looks different, but Renjun doesn’t. 

‘Hi,’ says Renjun, closing his laptop. 

Jeno bites down on his lip. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. He looks up to the ceiling, anywhere but at Renjun. 

‘Did my mom tell you to come here?’ Yes. You didn’t have to. I wanted to. ‘Jeno—’

Jeno gets up, his chair shrieking back with the abruptness. He ignores the people around him glaring and motions to the exit with his head. 

‘I’m going,’ Renjun nods, Jeno sees his shoulder droop a little. ‘Are you coming?’ 

At the invitation Renjun immediately perks up, nodding his head and packing his stuff into his backpack. Jeno walks ahead, slowing down his pace for Renjun to catch up and when he does Jeno notices instantly how Renjun hasn’t grown an inch during his time away, a full head shorter than him now. Oh god. This isn’t good. His heart is going crazy again, screaming at him; he’s right there, let me out, let me out! 

It’s dark when they step out into the street, walking back to their neighbourhood together. The way home is quiet, quiet enough for Jeno to begin feeling overwhelmed by his feelings. Renjun’s here, beside him, walking with him, not saying a word.

‘I—’

‘Jen—’

They both stop in their tracks, looking at one another before bending over with laughter. At the sound of Renjun’s happy and familiar laugh, Jeno feels his unease vanish into the night sky above them. But quicker than Jeno thought, they reach home and they're being wrapped back up into a whirlwind of uncertainty. 

‘I should…’ Renjun trails off, his eyes flickering over to his front gate. 

Jeno’s heart is going again, don’t let him leave.

Inside his pocket, his phone vibrates. One sec, he says before pulling it out. 

hi hi hi 

what u doinnn

Jaemin. Jeno’s heart splits in half. 

He looks at the text and then he looks at Renjun. Renjun who stands in front of him now after months, Renjun with his backpack full of university supplies, his head full of new memories and his heart with new friendships.

Clearing his throat he says, ‘it’s my—’ 

Renjun scrunches his nose up, ‘girlfriend?’ He’s teasing, but Jeno still shakes. 

‘Boyfriend, actually.’ 

Renjun startles back, his eyes waking from their sleepy state. His hands grip the straps of his backpack and somewhere deepdeep down Jeno feels a wave of accomplishment wash over him. Ha, bet you never knew that. You hurt me, I hurt you. 

But Renjun quickly regains his composure, ‘oh, wow,’ he says, ‘that’s great!’ 

Jeno frowns. Huh? 

‘I mean…’ He trails off in confusion, not sure what to say, he wasn’t expecting that. ‘Yeah, he’s— Yeah. Well, goodnight, Renjun.’ 

With that, Jeno spins on his heels and heads home, ignoring the way Renjun’s eyes follow after him. 

Sitting in his bed that night, covers pulled up to his chin, he texts Jaemin back. 

wanna do smth this weekend? 

☆彡

Jeno met Jaemin’s friends a few weeks ago, back when they officially started dating. At first, Donghyuck had been difficult to warm up to; loud and over the top, but now as they sit squished up together on Jaemin’s couch, Jeno feels happy as ever. Though, it could all be thanks to the alcohol running through his system, too. 

Either way, Donghyuck is seriously great. Jeno really loves him and he’s been telling him so ever since he got here. 

I know, Jeno. No, but I love you, Hyuckie. Okay, Jeno, I get it. 

Donghyuck ends up slapping a hand over his mouth, ‘please, please just shut up,’ he begs, but Jeno can’t. Finally, he feels happy. So happy. There’s cigarette smoke surrounding him, a song he doesn’t know but ends up liking vibrating through his ears and somewhere there is Jaemin. 

Jaemin. 

Jeno sighs happily, slumping further into his seat. He feels so good. 

‘What have you done to my boyfriend, Lee Donghyuck?’ 

‘Jaeminnie,’ his eyes are closed when he reaches out, blindly feeling around for his boyfriend. ‘Hyuck’s mean.’ 

‘Aw, baby.’ He feels Jaemin sitting down beside him with a hand squeezing his thigh. ‘Want me to hurt him?’ 

Jeno hears Donghyuck’s protests, but he can’t open his eyes to see. Stretching his fingers and his toes, he tries to regain some control but he feels as if he’s floating outside of his body. 

‘You still with us?’ Jaemin’s whispering into his ear, kissing the warm skin before pulling away. Jeno’s nodding, at least he thinks he is. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, it’s too bright in here and his tongue feels far too heavy to even try and say anything. ‘Wanna go to bed?’ 

Jeno shakes his head, no. He doesn’t. If he goes to bed he’ll be forced to think, to enter the dreamland he’s been avoiding. He just wants to stay like this, half-empty glass in his hand, Jaemin at his side, Donghyuck grumbling somewhere about something. 

‘Phone. Zaemin, Zaeminnie. M’phone—‘

Jaemin’s laughing now, digging into Jeno’s pants pocket to fish out his phone. ‘Here, baby. It’s here, relax.’ When Jeno’s head lolls back, Jaemin is quick to press a small kiss to the heated skin of his neck. ‘Be back in a minute, okay?’ 

Opening his eyes to look around, he sees that Jaemin is truly gone, Donghyuck, too and suddenly, he doesn’t feel so happy anymore. 

He fumbles around for a second, trying to unlock his phone and failing twice. When it does finally recognise his face, Jeno is quick on finding a familiar contact name. He wants to go home, he feels too sick and too dizzy, but home is so far away, he’ll have to try and bring home here, instead. 

immiss y ou can come here ? 

jeno? 

what? 

hello? 

jeno are u ok? 

Jeno feels tears welling up in his eyes, why isn’t he listening to him? Everything is feeling so difficult.  

com here ok! 

jeno?? 

rrennnjunnpls 

okay, send me your location

whaa t ??

jeno. u have to send me ur location ok? then i will come to u 

dou promises ? 

He really hopes Renjun knows how important promises are.

i promise 

Jeno squints his eyes, trying to sober up enough to send his location. After he figures it out, he drops his phone somewhere on the couch, he tries to get up but falls back. The music is too loud now, where are Jaemin and Donghyuck? He swears he wasn’t this drunk a minute ago, back when he was happy and giddy and singing his I love you’s, but now there’s a sadness sitting on his heart; all he knows is that he wants Renjun. He needs Renjun to come here, right now. If Renjun is here then everything will be okay again, he’s sure of it. 

There’s a knock on the front door that Jeno hears before anyone else but he can’t move, then another and another after that until eventually Donghyuck is stumbling out of the kitchen to see what all the fuss is about. 

He swings the door open with a who are you? 

Then Jeno hears a familiar voice, one he’s known forever. 

Renjun. It’s Renjun. Renjun’s here, Renjun came. 

‘Is Jeno here?’ 

‘Jeno?’ 

That’s me! It’s me! I’m here! Jeno can’t find it in him to speak but he hopes somehow Renjun can hear him. 

‘Lee Jeno. Tall, stupid, drunk?’ Renjun sounds frustrated, Jeno hates it when he gets like this. Donghyuck, you have to let him in or else he's going to explode. He tries to warn Jaemin’s friend but it comes out in bubbly fumblings. 

‘What’s it to you?’ 

‘Excuse me?’ Oh no. 

‘I said, what's it to you?’ Oh no, oh no, oh no. 

Jeno feels so heavy, where is Jaemin? He wants to go home. 

‘Hey— Hey! You can't just—‘ 

Then suddenly Renjun is there, kneeling in front of him. He’s saying something and he looks so worried, and Jeno is doing his best to listen but he can’t; he feels too tired. 

‘Come on,’ Renjun says, standing and trying to hoist Jeno up with him, he wraps an arm around his waist and Jeno finds enough strength to put his arm over Renjun’s shoulder. But Renjun’s so small, Jeno feels awful; he’s being such a bad friend, right now. ‘Fuck, shit. Okay, you’re heavy as fuck. Holy shit.’ Jeno’s never heard Renjun curse so much. He starts to giggle, dropping his head against Renjun’s. 

‘You’re jus’small thas-all.’ He can’t stop giggling, he’s trying his best to take his weight off of Renjun but his limbs feel too heavy, it feels like they’re not attached to him at all. 

Jeno hears Jaemin before he sees him. 

‘Woah, woah, woah. What’s going on? Who are you?’ 

Jeno hates this, hates how he feels. He doesn’t like being drunk anymore. 

‘Who am I? Who are you?’ Renjun is still supporting his weight and if Jeno wasn’t so out of it he would feel proud, but instead, he squeezes his eyes shut tight and hopes to get home soon. The exit is so close. Jaemin, please move. 

‘Uh, his boyfriend? Who the fuck else?’ 

‘Okay, his boyfriend, I’m his best friend and I’m taking him home.’ 

Jeno wants to tell them that he’s right here, that he can hear them, that they don’t have to fight. 

‘You can't just—‘ 

Renjun’s grip is tightening around his waist and Jeno’s so sure his toes are wiggling in his shoes. 

‘You’re his boyfriend, huh? Some boyfriend you are, letting him get smacked out drunk, abandoning him while you and your friends go and snort some back?’ Renjun turns to Donghyuck then, he motions to his nose, ‘yeah, clean it up next time, maybe?’ 

When Renjun says something about an uber, Jeno brightens up a little. Home? Yeah, Jen, we’re going home. Then he feels himself being gently fastened into the back of a car that smells vaguely of mint aero, a window beside him is rolled down and there's a small hand squeezing his own in reassurance. 

It takes twenty minutes for them to get home and Jeno feels upset as they crawl out of the car. Renjun doesn’t send him away though, instead they head to Renjun’s room. Jeno hasn’t been here in so long, everything is different now; there are no drawings on the wall, the DVD player is gone, no books beside his bed. 

‘I don’t think my clothes will fit you,’ Renjun’s been fussing around ever since they got home, filling up glasses of water, rummaging through his closet, bossing Jeno around. 

Jeno doesn’t care about clothes or water, he just wants to lay down. He missed Renjun’s bed so much. 

‘Junnie,’ he doesn’t feel so drunk anymore, the cold breeze and scary uber driver having sobered him up. ‘It’s okay, come here.’ 

Renjun turns around from where he’s been squatting on the floor and rooting through his suitcase for something, to look at Jeno who sits on the edge of his bed. He doesn’t move and Jeno starts to feel frustrated; come here. No. Why not? I can’t. 

‘Renjun,’ Jeno sits up straight, opening his arms wide in invitation. ‘Come here.’ 

Finally, Renjun does. He gets up, his knees cracking with him and he walks over to Jeno. He stands there in front of him for a split second, seemingly unsure of himself. Jeno can’t stop looking at him, he keeps his arms open and his legs spread. Renjun steps closer and that’s all the confirmation Jeno needs to wrap his arms around his friend's tiny frame. 

‘Injun,’ he whispers into Renjun’s t-shirt. Renjun whose hands are in his hair, scratching and massaging his scalp. ‘I think you’re my home.’ 

Jeno can feel Renjun tensing up, notices it in the way his fingers halt all movement, but Jeno refuses to take back what he said. You’re my home. It’s true. It’s the truest thing he has ever said. Homes don’t have to be houses, homes can be people. From the moment he saw Renjun — ten years old, warm and welcoming with crooked teeth and birthmarks, baking ingredients all over his clothes — he knew it. Renjun has always been home, Jeno is sure of it. 

He falls back on the bed, bringing Renjun down with him, he tries to scramble back but Jeno traps him in with his arms and legs.

‘Jen,’ he whines. ‘You’re drunk.’ 

Jeno shakes his head, ‘not anymore. I’m being serious, Injun, I’m being really serious.’ 

Like this, Jeno can feel the heat of Renjun’s body against his own. He tries to stay as still as possible, wanting to feel his heartbeat, but then Renjun is moving, hoisting himself up to straddle Jeno’s waist instead. 

‘This feels really weird,’ he mumbles, his hands resting on Jeno’s chest for balance. Can you feel my heart? Can you? Can you? Can you? ‘You’ve grown so much, it’s only been—‘

‘You didn’t change,’ Jeno says, cutting him off. ‘You’re still so tiny.’ 

It earns him a flick to the nose but he doesn’t mind, he’s not lying; Renjun is truly tiny. Especially like this, sitting on Jeno with his legs on either side of his hips. 

Jeno squeezes both sides of Renjun’s waist in retaliation, enjoying way too much how the heat of his skin travels through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Renjun squirms where he sits, whines pretty and loud, and Jeno has to stop him, to sit up and hold him still before he starts to feel even more lightheaded. 

Sitting like this with Renjun on top of him feels like something straight out of a dream until it doesn’t. Renjun, seeming to come back down to reality before him, pulls himself off of Jeno to sit down beside him instead. 

‘Jeno,’ he says with his head down, ‘you need to text your boyfriend.’ 

‘Renj—’

‘I’m gonna sleep downstairs, you can have the bed.’ 

Jeno tries to stop him, to pull him back by his arm but Renjun is quicker, grabbing a blanket from the end of his bed and dashing out the door before Jeno can say another word. 

The next day Jeno wakes up in a bed that isn’t his but one he knows all too well, there’s a smell of fabric softener and cinnamon coming from the duvet and it takes all of him to finally pull back the sheets.

His head hurts and his throat is drier than he ever knew possible. When his feet touch the floor he notices a glass of water on Renjun’s bedside locker, chugging it back he also notices that he’s in the same clothes as yesterday. 

With every step of his feet to the bedroom door his head pounds with not only dehydration but an endless stream of questions - why is he in Renjun’s room? Did Renjun take him home? Where was Jaemin? 

The house is quiet as he tiptoes down the stairs trying his best not to make a sound, Renjun’s parents must be gone to work. When he reaches the kitchen there’s another glass of water sitting on a note alongside a packet of painkillers. 

i’m at the library 

-renjun 

He pops out two tablets, downs the water in one go and stuffs the note into his back pocket. 

He needs to talk to Jaemin. 

☆彡

‘Hi,’ Jaemin smiles, leaning against the cinema entrance, he throws his thumb over his shoulder to point at the building behind him. ‘I gotta head in to set things up in a few minutes.’ 

Jeno nods, feeling a little out of breath from running all the way here after sending his can we talk text, but now that he’s here… Well, he knows what he wants to say, just not how to say it. 

Jaemin appears to be in much better shape than he is, no signs of last night's drinking anywhere to be seen. His hair is a little ruffled and his lips are chapped, but that’s all. Jeno feels dirty standing in front of Jaemin with the same clothes as yesterday stuck to his skin. 

‘This will just take a sec,’ Jeno starts, he clears his throat and prays his tongue doesn’t fumble over everything he practised in his head the whole way here, after all of his memories flooded back through him. ‘About last night—’

It’s fine, Jaemin tries to say but Jeno shakes his head. ‘It’s not, it’s not fine. I left you there and—’

Jaemin is standing up straight now, reaching out and putting his hands on Jeno’s shoulder. He squeezes in reassurance, ‘Jeno, you did nothing wrong. I should’ve taken more care of you, your friend came at the right time. I was being a shitty boyfriend.’ He scuffs his feet off the pavement and ducks his head, is he feeling ashamed? Jeno wishes he could read minds, now more than ever. ‘I didn’t even know you had a best friend… I— You never told me, but after last night I think I understand why.’  

Jeno feels his ears heating up, ‘what do you mean?’ He feels spread open and seen, and he hates it. 

Jaemin shrugs, stuffing his hands into his work pants. 

‘You’re in love with him.’ 

Jeno stumbles back, his whole body running cold. He takes several steps away from Jaemin, that’s not true he wants to say. Jaemin looks so unphased, like he didn’t just derail Jeno’s whole morning— his whole life. 

‘Jaem—‘

‘I can’t compete with love, Jen.’ His smile is bittersweet, yet he doesn’t seem one bit angry and Jeno feels at a loss. 

They stand there like that for a few more minutes with the cold morning air swishing around them, before Jaemin clears his throat and says he has to head in. There’s a small voice in Jeno’s head that screams at him to grab hold of Jaemin, to tell him he’s sorry and ask him to stay. But as Jaemin unlocks the cinema door and steps inside the voice dies down and fades away. 

You’re in love with him. You’re in love with him. You’re in love with him. I can't compete with love, Jen. I can't compete with love, Jen. I can’t compete with love, Jen.  

He needs to go to the library. 

☆彡

Jeno doesn’t go home to change. He smells of cigarettes and vodka, but that’s okay. He doesn’t care, all he knows is that he needs to see Renjun and if he goes home then he’s wasting another minute he doesn’t have. 

By the time he reaches the library, the streets have gotten busier and all the grandma’s going for their morning coffees are staring him down, but it’s fine because through the glass doors he can see Renjun with his head stuck in his laptop once again. 

When he finally walks in for the second time this week, his heart goes into overdrive, rattling like crazy against his skin. Jeno finds it almost laughable, his heart has always known exactly where it wants to be long before the pieces fully fell together for him. And as he gets closer to the table where Renjun sits he sees a collection of moments playing out in front of him; excited handshakes, DVDs and sleepovers, crying through thunderstorms, their favourite tree and borrowed sketchbooks. Jeno sees it all, every memory guiding him closer and closer; he can practically smell the cinnamon buns, can even hear Mrs Huang’s both as silly as each other in his ear. 

Renjun still hasn’t seen him. Honestly, Jeno’s not sure how he hasn’t even smelled him yet when his clothes reek so bad, even the security guard at the door turned up his nose. 

As he sits down across from him, that's when Renjun finally looks up. His eyebrows scrunching in shock, he doesn’t say anything but Jeno can see how colour starts to spread out over his face, painting his nose and his round cheeks a pretty shade of surprise. 

‘You came,’ is all he says. 

Jeno feels like he’s going insane. 

‘I did.’ 

Renjun closes down his laptop, ‘I didn’t think you would.’ 

‘Then you don’t know me.’ 

Renjun narrows his eyes, ‘I know you more than you know yourself.’ 

Jeno has to laugh, he doesn’t reckon that’s true but he won’t say anything, he shuts his mouth; he’ll allow Renjun to win this one time. 

It’s in a whisper when he says, I’ve missed you. 

Renjun cocks his head, we saw each other last night, is what he whispers back.

Jeno shakes his head, it’s been a year but he’s still not sure if Renjun gets it. 

‘No,’ he says. Inside his chest, his heart is vibrating and the blood in his veins has turned to nothing but fizziness. ‘I miss you. I miss you like crazy.’ 

Renjun doesn’t say anything, so Jeno draws in closer, leaning on his elbows, voice still a whisper when he continues. 

‘Every day, I miss you. I wake up and it’s like there’s this big disgusting gaping hole in my chest. Ever since we were ten years old, I saw you and I knew then and there that I would always need you by my side. I can’t be without you, Renjun. When you left I felt sick, I felt insane. I would have done anything to make you stay, but I—‘ 

He shakes his head, he can’t stay it. He goes to sit back but Renjun pulls him back in, taking hold of his hands, staring at him intently. Renjun’s hands are still as small as ever, but they do the job of reassuring so well that Jeno feels his heart rate slowing down for the first time in a long while. 

‘I meant what I said last night,’ Jeno begins again. ‘To me, you are home and I would have done anything to keep you here but I couldn’t, because I…’ 

Renjun nods, squeezing Jeno’s hands tighter as every second passes.

‘Renjun, I really love you.’ 

Jeno knows it’s not ideal to say it like this, but it comes out so easily. I really love you. Just like that - breaks free from his heart, flows all the way up through his throat and then out of his mouth. It’s that easy. Jeno closes his eyes and sits back with a sigh of relief. 

Then, Renjun is letting go of Jeno’s hands. ‘Can we…’ He stands up and starts to pack away his things. ‘Can we go?’ 

Jeno nods, of course. 

☆彡

Renjun doesn’t say anything all the way home, they walk up to his room, sit on his bed and still, he doesn’t say a word. 

Jeno kicks his foot against Renjun’s, ‘please, say something.’ 

Renjun kicks him back, ‘you need to shower.’ 

‘Okay, not that—‘ Jeno tries his best to protest, but in the end, Renjun wins by shoving a towel into his chest and pushing him through the bathroom door with a don’t come back out until you smell normal again.  

When Jeno is done, he goes back into Renjun’s room with a towel hung low on his hips, grinning mischievously at Renjun who keeps looking everywhere but at him. You could’ve gotten dressed. I have no clothes, Injun. Well, you could’ve asked me. Jeno beams, shutting Renjun’s door behind him and stepping closerclosercloser until Renjun has the window sill digging into his back. 

He asks then, ‘can I have some clothes?’ 

‘I don’t think they’ll fit you…’ But Renjun’s trailing off and Jeno sees how his gaze goes downdown—

‘My eyes are up here, Renjun.’ 

Renjun startles out of his daze — ‘shut up, Lee Jeno’ — and delivers a smack to Jeno’s damp chest. He slides out from Jeno’s trap and walks over to his suitcase and Jeno sits down on the edge of his bed, patiently. 

‘Here,’ a shirt is thrown at him then, a very familiar-looking shirt. Hold on a second, Jeno holds the shirt up to examine it. ‘Is this mine?’ 

Renjun mumbles something that Jeno can't quite catch. He knows this is his shirt, it’s the same one he thought he had lost… A few months ago… Back when Renjun left… 

‘Oh my god,’ the pieces click together so perfectly. ‘Did you steal my shirt?’ 

Renjun shakes his head, swearing down that he’s mistaken but Jeno knows he isn’t. Renjun stole his shirt and the thought of him secretly taking it after one of their sleepovers, shoving it into his suitcase and taking it all the way to his new university makes Jeno light up with a newfound happiness. Especially when he puts it on and it smells of cinnamon and strawberry laces. It’s all too perfect. He’s not sure if he wants to kiss Renjun all over or lock him in a box and keep him to himself.

‘Can you come here?’ Jeno asks, patting the space beside him on the bed. 

‘Why?’ 

Jeno narrows his eyes, ‘I’m not gonna kill you.’ 

‘No, but…’ 

‘But…?’ 

Renjun finally makes his way over to Jeno, though he doesn’t sit directly beside him, leaving a human-sized gap between them. 

‘You might do something else.’

At that Jeno barks out a laugh, what could I possibly do? Renjun shrugs again, mumbling under his breath. Is this a new habit of his? Jeno decides he doesn’t like it. What was that? He asks. Renjun only mumbles again. 

‘I don’t have supersonic hearing, you know?’ Jeno rolls his eyes, scooching in closer. Once he’s pressed up against Renjun, he asks ‘what are you saying?’ 

‘I said,’ Renjun mutters, chin tucked into his chest. ‘Youcouldkissme.’ 

Jeno doesn’t think Renjun’s face can get any redder than it is now. 

‘Do you want me to kiss you, Injun?’ 

Jeno was only teasing, but then Renjun is looking up with round eyes and flushed skin. Woah. Jeno’s heart is dying to get out. 

‘I…’ He looks so pretty like this, Jeno sort of wishes he could unhinge his jaw and swallow him whole. But then Renjun is scoffing, breaking their eye contact and zeroing in on a random piece of furniture. He can’t fool Jeno though, not with the burning red that travels all the way down his neck. Jeno sees right through him, as always. ‘I think first you should put on some pants and then we should talk.’ 

Looking down Jeno realises that the towel is still all that covers his lower half. Whoops, his smile is sheepish but Renjun pays him no mind, only rolls his eyes and mumbles something about going to find pants that will fit. 

When Renjun comes back with pants for Jeno they sit down and finally, they talk. Jeno tells him all about his chat with Jaemin this morning and Renjun in turn tells Jeno about his mom screaming in his text messages every day for the past year, telling him to grow up and come home. They sit across from each other on Renjun’s single bed just like they used to do nearly every night back when they were little, almost twenty now they don’t quite fit the same but it’s okay. Wherever Renjun is, Jeno is happy. 

‘Do you really love me?’ Renjun asks and Jeno’s heartbeat quickens like it's being called upon. 

‘I seriously do.’ 

Renjun’s nodding, his bottom lip red from all the damage it’s taken from his teeth. 

‘Have you always loved me?’ 

Wow, you’re really grilling me. Just answer the damn question, Jeno. ‘Without a doubt.’ 

Renjun jumps up then, crawling over to where Jeno sits. It’s not that far of a distance and Jeno wishes he had more time to prepare, but before he knows it Renjun is sitting in his lap and there’s a sense of deja-vu washing over him.

‘Remember when we almost kissed?’ Renjun asks and Jeno nods. How could he forget? It’s all he’s thought of since that very moment. Renjun presses in closer, wrapping his legs around Jeno’s waist. ‘I wish my mom didn’t interrupt us.’ 

Jeno doesn’t know what to say, he feels shy all of a sudden. 

‘Well, what do you reckon?’ Renjun asks and Jeno truly doesn’t understand how he can go from a mumbling, fumbling, blushing mess to this so quickly. What? Jeno asks, hoping Renjun can’t hear the quiver in his voice or feel the shake in his arms that are wrapped around his waist. Jeno knows what, just needs to hear Renjun say it. ‘Should we try again?’ 

Kissing Renjun feels like falling asleep as a child and being carried to your bed; it feels like coming down in the morning late for school and seeing your lunch already packed for you. Kissing Renjun is all Jeno has ever dreamed of and now as he pulls him in closer, pressing their chests against one another, Jeno for the first time in a long while feels like he’s returned home, like he’s sitting in a warm kitchen on a wet and cold winter evening. 

When Renjun licks into his mouth with soft timidity, Jeno thinks it can't get any better than this, but then Renjun’s hands reach upupup, finding purchase on either side of his face, and Jeno knows he’s wrong; each and every new thing Renjun does to him is better and better again. 

His heart beats like mad in his chest, finally being against Renjun’s. 

When they pull away, it’s with red faces and panting breaths. Was it worth the wait? Renjun asks and Jeno wants to squeeze him to death. 

‘I’d wait my whole life for you, Injun.’ 

Jeno truly means it. Here, in front of Renjun, like this, he feels sliced down his middle; bleeding all of his feelings out in pure, raw honesty. 

Renjun squeezes Jeno’s face, kissing him again and again and again. 

‘You’ll have to make me stop,’ Renjun laughs with giddiness. I could never, Jeno is saying in between kisses. ‘Then I’ll just have to kiss you to death.’ 

Jeno figures that might not be the worst way to go.