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Five times Buck wanted to tell Eddie he loved him but didn’t and the one time he did.
The first time it happened was at Eddie’s house. It was a normal Thursday evening, nothing out of the ordinary. Buck came from a long day at the firehouse, ready to melt into the domesticity of the Diaz household. As soon as he opened the door, he could hear Christ yell, “Buck! I’ve been waiting for an eternity!”
Buck could feel the tension in his shoulders bleed away. The thoughts of, ‘did the girl make it? Was I fast enough?’, finally stopped.
“An eternity? That’s a very long time,” Buck remarked as he walked towards the kitchen. Chris was already standing, walking towards the doorway and Buck swept him up in a big hug. “Sorry, that I made you wait for a whole eternity, little man.”
Chris giggled. “Dad says you would be tired, but you aren’t tired, are you, Buck?”
Buck chuckled. “Me? Tired? Never!”
“See, dad? I told you!”
“Of course. I should have never doubted you.”
The last of the tension and guilt left Buck’s body when he heard the voice. He let go of Chris and straightened up. His best friend, standing in the kitchen, looking so at home, observed him with a pensive expression on his face. And then, without saying anything else, he drew Buck into his arms.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad to be here too.” Neither of them commented on how Buck sounded a little choked up.
“Dad! Let Buck go. You promised I could play video games with him when he arrived. You promised.”
Laughing, Buck drew back, although he didn’t really want to. Chris was pouting up at him, clearly unhappy with having to wait. “He promised that, didn’t he?” Bucks eyes flickered from son to father. Eddie was still studying him closely, but instead of saying something, he smiled a soft, small smile. It was lovely, and Buck felt the overwhelming urge to step back into his arms, bury his face against his neck and press three little words into the skin there.
He didn’t.
Instead, he let Chris drag him into the living room.
The second time it happened was after a call when they arrived at the firehouse and Eddie jumped out of the truck, still joking with Ravi about Bucks face when one of the very drunk ladies had proposed to him then and there while her friend’s arm was stuck in the vending machine. Buck had been beyond embarrassed, stuttering his way through an apology and refusal. Bobby had been the one to rescue him while Ravi and Eddie had giggled through the whole exchange. Buck didn’t understand why those things always happened to him.
He hadn’t realized that he had muttered that last part out loud until Hen said, “it’s all the himbo energy.”
“What does that mean?”
“Google it and you will find enlightenment.” Hen patted his arm and joined Chimney for a post call snack.
Buck hurried to follow her advice. The results of his search made him puff in indignation. “HEN! I’m NOT a himbo!”
The whole crew fell silent, everybody exchanged glances and after a pregnant pause that felt like an eternity, it was Chimney who said, “Look man, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a himbo. The ladies love you.” Buck opened his mouth to respond that he didn’t care about that when Eddie interrupted him.
“I think it’s a big compliment.”
Buck whirled around, ready to start a whole rant about how ‘himbo’ was not a compliment, when he caught Eddies fond expression. That shut him right up.
“Seriously, Buck. You know Kronk? Chris loves him and he loves you and that is not the only parallel between the two of you.” Eddie kept a straight face for maybe one second after he finished his sentence and then he burst out in laughter.
“You should see your face,” he gasped between fits of laughter. Soon the whole firehouse was laughing with him and the only thing Buck could think was, ‘Christ, this man is beautiful. I love him.’ He didn’t say it. Instead, he sighed and gave up on the argument.
The third time it happened was when Lucy half-forcing a shot down Buck’s throat and he could see Eddie look away. Eddie got up and walked to the bar, it looked like flight rather than a causal change of scenery. Buck excused himself from the fired up group shortly after. He followed Eddie.
“You okay?”
“Yes. Fine.” Eddie didn’t look fine. He was bowed over the top of the bar, beer in his hand, looking pensive and unhappy. There was a strip of skin between the collar of his shirt and his hairline. Buck contemplated caressing it with the tips of his fingers. He was already reaching out when he realized how inappropriate that would be. So instead, he placed his hand on Eddie’s shoulder and squeezed.
“You sure?”
Eddie sighed. “Yes. Yes, Buck. There is nothing for you to fix. Go back to Lucy and Hen or they might come over to drag the both of us back.”
Buck tilted his head slightly, aware that there was something in this sentence giving pointers to what was bothering Eddie but unable to really figure out what exactly. He decided that he needed more time to figure out what was bothering his best friend and sat down.
“You know that Lucy asked Taylor out for lunch?”
Eddie’s head snapped up. “What?”
“Yeah, right? That was my reaction entirely.”
“You mean, Lucy and Taylor are going on… a date?!” Eddie almost yelled it and Buck shushed him horrified by the possibility that Lucy might have heard.
“Yes. But tone it down, man. Lucy is going to kill me otherwise. I’m not supposed to tell anyone.”
Eddie laughed and waved the bartender over. “We need more beer.”
Buck smiled and settled into his chair. “You seem to be an awfully good mood considering that my ex is going on a date with one of our co-workers.”
Eddie shrugged. “Well, it is pretty hilarious, isn’t it?”
Buck snorted. He had nothing to refute that. Instead, he took a swing of his beer and observed Eddie, whose mood seemed to have skyrocketed. He wanted to tell him, ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’ He didn’t. He finished his beer and then another and finally leaned against Eddie’s shoulder in drunken stupor, wondering if Eddie had always smelled that good.
The fourth time it happened was during Hen’s and Karen’s second wedding. He saw the delight and genuine happiness on Eddie’s face and it was ridiculous but for the first time Buck thought ‘this might be something I’d want too.’
He didn’t say, ‘I love you’, although he would have meant it, although he wanted to say it. It was not the right time.
The fifth time was when Buck landed in the hospital. It was nothing. Really. Just a check-up. He was fine! Nobody believed him. Somehow, that was a regular occurrence. He didn’t even try to protest anymore. The doctors would tell them anyway. So he just suffered through reprimands and shouting and worry and tears. He reassured everybody again and again that he was fine and when Eddie stormed into his room to yell at him, ignoring Maddie yelling at him first, ignoring Bobby reprimanding him, Buck could only stare at him and think, ‘what a lucky guy I am.’
“I’m fine,” he blurted out, feeling his cheeks heat as Eddie advanced on the bed, still in uniform and clearly distraught, and started patting him down. Well, fuck. He wasn’t ready for the concentrated attention of Edmundo Diaz.
“You sure? It looked like a nasty fall,” Eddie asked him while feeling up his left leg. Buck swallowed hard.
“It’s fine. Just a few bruises. Nothing serious.”
“You have to be more careful, Buck.” Eddie looked up from his leg, straight into his eyes and Buck could only nod. He had no other choice or he might have confessed his undying love. So, he kept the three little words which held so much meaning back and let everybody fuss over him.
When Buck finally said it, it was very anticlimactic.
He sat on Eddie’s couch, watching some mindless action movie where Eddie continued to comment on every inaccurate fighting scene or wrong weapon handling as was his wont to do. Buck was too occupied with observe Eddie to really know what was going on in the movie anymore. He just nodded along to Eddie’s criticism and hummed in agreement every now and then.
In the end, it was almost casual that he finally said, “I love you, Eddie.”
His best friend and love of his life turned to him, looking shell shocked for maybe two seconds.
“What?”
“I love you, Eddie. I love you.”
“Oh Buck,” Eddie started and Buck braced himself for the broken heart that would immediately follow, but nothing of the like happened. Instead, Eddie reached out and brushed his knuckled along Buck’s cheek. His fingers were warm and wonderful. A small seed of hope started blooming in Bucks chest. He knew this was dangerous, but maybe he could keep his best friend despite being in love with him.
“I love you, Eddie.” The words felt like they were wrenched out of him. The emotions so overwhelming, it was painful. He had to close his eyes, couldn’t keep looking at that beloved face so close but also so far away.
“I love you too, Evan. Come here.” And he was pulled against a broad chest. Finally, he got to bury his face in the other man’s neck.
“I don’t mean as best friends,” he felt the need to clarify.
“Yeah, me neither,” Eddie chuckled.
“I mean that I want you to fuck me.”
“Yeah, I figured that one out, Buck.”
“And you still love me?”
“Yes. I love you. I love you so much.”
Buck could hear his own breath hitch and then he was pressing his lips to soft skin, to a thrumming pulse that sped up under his gentle ministrations.
“That okay?”
“Buck, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this. So yes, it’s absolutely okay.” Eddie’s breath ruffled his hair and Buck couldn’t help himself but nip at Eddie’s jaw. The other man tightened his grip around him, one hand coming up to his hair, trying to find purchase that was hard to find.
“Stop it, Buck, or this will take a sharp turn into non-minor conform evening activities,” Eddie warned.
“Maybe that’s my plan. Maybe I want to seduce you, Edmundo,” Buck teased, pulling back, giddy with excitement.
“You are a menace, Evan,” Eddie remarked, a spark in his eyes that made Buck go weak in the knees, before kissing him slow and deep.