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Big had been shot before, it was somewhat expected in this business. Multiple scars littered his body and made it hard for him to look in the mirror every morning.
He remembered them all, the first stab wound and the first bullet that plunged deep into his side. It was all normal really, such violence. Big had been born and raised in the back alleyways of Bangkok, running through the streets with torn clothes and dirty hair. He had learned well how to protect himself and it had come in handy many times.
It was a simple thing to drop out of school, run away from the pitiful orphanage that had housed him, and just roam Bangkok with his friends. Big had been the only one who had caught the eye of the major family, pickpocketing a few dollars of cash from one of the bodyguards.
They had caught him and Big thought he would die, however, Korn saved him and brought him into the compound. His life had changed that day and Big wasn’t sure if he had been rescued or damned.
The injuries came thick and fast, and Big recovered from each one, rising through the ranks until he was one of the few personal bodyguards of the major family. The scars were soon hidden behind the fancy suits and starched shirts that he was required to wear.
The shot to the arm protecting Kinn was the freshest. The scaring still flared up into an ache whenever it rained. Not that he minded, he was proud of that one. He had taken it for Kinn. He had saved Kinn's life that night, along with Porsche.
Big remembered clearly what had happened, how that bullet had entered him and not his boss. How Kinn had not left him behind, instead making sure he was alright as they continued to escape. Luckily for Kinn, Porsche had been there.
Unluckily for Big.
That was something else that had made it hard to look in the mirror. He would stare at his face for a few moments and wonder what was so different. Why the bumbling bartender over the loyal bodyguard?
How had Kinn chosen Porsche to love over Big?
Big had always been the second choice. Both in love and work. Kinn had chosen Tawan and now Porsche and each time the light in his eyes outshine the dull sparkle that Big had received.
And Big was okay with that, or at least, that is what he trained himself to feel and think. It had taken a few months and Porsche entering their lives had caused those memories to resurface. A bitter mix of saccharine and pain swirled around his head and heart.
Whatever the choice Kinn made, the few times Big had been stretched out on Kinn's bed had been worth it. He had felt his boss enter him and consume him in a way no one else could and Big selfishly held onto that and never let it go. He had made Kinn moan and climax, he had felt the bruises dug into his skin for days afterward. Big had been the reason for that, no matter how short the time was.
Big wanted Kinn to be happy and Porsche made Kinn happy.
With Kinn ignoring him after those few nights, he had moved to work with Kim and found another fact about himself. One he had tried to ignore with Kinn but had resurfaced with Kim. Big wanted to please and be rewarded. He stayed up late, collecting information that Kim had missed and lost himself in the work.
At least it was nonsexual with Kim.
And maybe that was why he stuck with Kim and worked with him. To watch Porsche and collect information. Big tried to tell himself that he was only working for the recognition but in the end, he admitted to himself that a part of him wanted to make sure Kinn was safe.
Then Chay came along, innocent little Chay with his cute squeals and blushing cheeks. Who attended the school and fanboyed over WIK and Big discovered something else about himself.
Big wanted to protect him, wanted to make sure he never found out about his brother and this life. Chay should have entered that school and should have never found out who WIK was. He was too pure for the dirty world that Big grew up in.
But then he was forced to watch Kim turn his obsession into love. Forced to watch as innocent Chay did indeed become exposed and tainted by this life. He had been there, in the shadows to watch as Kim kissed Chay’s cheek. And he had been there to watch them walk into Chay’s home to do whatever they decided to do.
Big had been called back to the house as he felt his heart throb with a pain that felt familiar. He had felt that same pain when Kinn had chosen Tawan and then Porsche over him.
But regardless, the bodyguard did what he could. Walking at a distance and making sure Chay wasn't attacked. He stopped a few instances, making sure no one found out. Not even Kim knew about those times and Kim stalked Chay religiously.
The times' Chay was publicly attacked, Kim had been there as a raging fire, overtaking everything and leaving Big to clean up the mess. He was the one to make sure the house was clean and decent.
Kinn had sent him to collect Kim, bringing him in close to whisper what had happened. Big hadn’t felt such terror in a long time and he had pushed away his boss in order to get to his bike quicker. A car would take too long and Big had to pick up Kim.
In his heart of hearts, Big had wished that he didn’t have to go to the youngest brother first. He had wanted to leave Kim behind and run in by himself to save Chay.
But in the end, he was the one who raced with Kim to save Chay from the warehouse, changing the clothes and making sure the guns were in working order. Kim never really thought about such things, he was an attack dog for his father. Big knew he had to be the one to think about such actions before they were taken.
And then the warehouse happen and maybe Big was the one feeling obsession because the feeling he felt when he saw Chay on the warehouse floor hurt more than any bullet wound. He took down just as many men as Kim did.
Kim raced to Chay and Big was about to follow. He was about to snatch Chay away from Kim and take the innocent lad away from this life. Chay could be the reason Big got out of this hellish life.
For a moment, everything was perfect and lining up as it should be. Even though Big had slowly begun to wonder if his attraction to Chay was real. Maybe he saw Chay as the young boy Big wished himself to be. Maybe the only reason he wanted to be close to the boy was so he could live his childhood through him.
To push Chay away from the family would give Big a reason to leave.
But then he saw Tawan. Then he watched the gun slowly raised up to shoot Porsche and Big made his decision. He had never had a family, so he never really knew what it had felt like, but the pain and terror in Kinn’s eyes as he reached forward to stop Tawan made him imagine that he knew.
You would die for your family, Big thought as he pushed forward and leaped in front of Porsche. Looking up into the deranged face of Tawan who had pulled the trigger Big knew that he might die in this warehouse.
Chay would be the reason Big left, but not in the way Big hoped.
The bullet thundered into Big's unprotected chest and the shouts around him echoed as blood rushed through his ears. The shot was fatal, somehow Big knew it would be and something in his soul broke into a million pieces.
He collapsed down, blinking up through a fog at Chay's brother. He heard Kinn brokenly say something and wondered if Kinn had buried his affection for his bodyguard in the same way Big had done for his boss.
Big mumbled something for Porsche, telling him what Kinn never had the courage to say. He knew Kinn loved Porsche, and he knew that he wanted to see them together. In that moment he let go of Kinn and the childish love Big had for him.
He looked towards the entrance to the warehouse and saw that Chay was leaving. Half stumbling out in the arms of Kim, clinging to him almost as tightly as Kim clung onto Chay. Big wanted to smile, maybe he did. Blood spilled out of his mouth as a wet cough caught in his lungs.
Maybe this would be the reason that Kim needed to protect Chay.
Kim had never had a chance outside of the family, his father always drew him back. But maybe innocent Chay was stronger than he looked and maybe Kim would understand what it felt like to be unconditionally loved. Big let go of his love for Chay and slowly closed his eyes, all sensations leaving his body.
He suddenly felt very tired.
Big was never fated to have a happy ending but the people he loved were.
That was worth dying for.
.
.
.
He didn't want to wake up, it would have been easier this way. To die in that warehouse after saving both Porsche's and Chay's lives. He would have died a hero, and he would have had a funeral that all his employers and friends would have attended.
It was a rather grand dream but it was one he has clung onto. He didn't have any family to speak of and so in a weird way, the bodyguards had become his family. The streets had not been a friendly home and many of his best memories were contained within the major families' compound.
But no, Big hadn't died, instead, he was left in a hospital room with a tube up his cock and machines that wouldn't stop beeping.
It was humiliating and Big wished he could just slip back into a blissful unconscious. Instead, he was awake and surrounded by gossiping nurses which only made his situation worse.
He was doomed to listen to the exciting events that had happened in the past few days while he had been in a coma. The way Tawan was finally dead, killing himself after blowing up the warehouse. Somehow Big had been found in the rubble only moments later and raced to the hospital.
The prospect for his survival had been minimal apparently and Big wished he hadn’t defied the odds.
He learned that Ken had betrayed the family and was found stabbed to death in an alleyway. his fear-filled eyes starring blanking up into the cloudy sky. Big felt wetness behind his closed eyes and refused to let the tear fall. He mourned the loss of a brother silently and wondered why Ken had done it.
What had he missed? Why had his friend done that? What, or who had made him turn away from the people he spent most of his life with? Big would never find out and he had to squeeze his eyes tight so that the tears would not give away his state.
The fact the minor family had attacked the compound and resulted in many of his friends dying had also been talked about. More names had been rattled off, all buried now and Big would never be able to attend their funerals. He had been unconscious for all of it and again Big mourned. Alone and silently in a hospital bed that felt so cold and bitter.
Kinn and Porsche had survived, and Porsche now ruled the minor family. A power couple that the entire city of Bangkok feared. This had made Big feel only slightly better, knowing that his boss was happy with the man he loved. Porsche deserved that after everything he had been through, he would learn and do well.
Somehow Pete and Vegas ended up together, Big's heart had skipped a few beats at that and the machine beeped loudly for a moment. The nurses stopped their gossiping and tried to see if Big was awake.
He forced his heart to calm and they moved away.
Big would have to make sure his friend was alright, that he hadn’t been forced. He didn’t want to lose Pete the same way he lost Ken. But then again, Big had seen how Pete reacted to certain things and had seen the soft light behind those innocent-looking eyes. Maybe he had found something in Vegas that no one else could see.
His heart rate picked up just once more when they mentioned Chay and Big felt his heart twist. Lying as he did, still and silent on the bed was something so torturous. Chay hadn't ended up with Kim, instead they were pining for each other. Kim was sending public songs and Chay was ignoring them, all the while going to school and spending time at the compound. Apparently, Chay and Tankhun were now hanging out with each other and that was a terrifying thought.
But still, Tankhun rose above the bloody mafia life and it would be good for Chay. Big would learn to let go of the innocent boy who didn't even know his name. It would take some time, but he had done it before. And he could do it again. Chay was too good for Big.
Chay was too good for Kim as well, for that matter, but Big knew the power that making one's own choices brought. Chay had chosen Kim, whether he knew it or not.
But one simple fact had risen out of the pile of gossip that the nurses so unknowingly piled at his feet.
Life had gone on and Big had been forgotten.
He supposed that it was to be expected, he was only a bodyguard after all. A meatshield that had served its purpose. His use for the family had been consumed and no one had come to visit.
Big didn't want to be alive and for a few dark moments, he wondered if he could push his body to move towards the medications. If he could inject the IV that dripped into his body with something that would make his heart stop.
No one had come to visit, not even Arm or Pol. The nurses bustled around with talk about how Korn wasn't dead and apparently there was a woman in the attic. Big wondered how much he had lied to. He wondered why no one came to visit, what had he done wrong.
He cried most nights, spending less and less time each night wiping each tear away. He would end up just lying awake, numb inside as those tears dried up inside him. The days dragged past, turning into weeks and Big refused to open his eyes. The only thing keeping him from starving was the IV.
One morning, as usual, the door opened and Big steeled himself to deal with another round of gossip from nurses who took too long. He wondered for a moment if they even needed to come in here or if they just used this room to take a break.
A coma patient couldn’t tell the bosses how the nurses stayed in a room to hide away from their duties.
A chair squeaked and Big ended up wondering of it was a cleaner who would make noise for an hour and then leave. But the cleaner normally came in the night and he had to fight the urge to open his eyes to check who it was.
The answer came soon enough
"I know you're awake"
The old familiar voice rang out in the room and Big heard the machines jump in a clear giveaway. His heart raced as he strained his ears. But he still didn't speak and he didn't open his eyes.
"Stop sulking, you have a job to do and I need my right-hand man back."
Big felt a large but gentle hand gently resting on his head. The touch almost made him flinch, his tired and wasted away muscles straining before he just relaxed back. The hand was simply running through his greasy hair and patting him softly.
He didn't open his eyes.
No one had shown him this affection, not since Kinn. He had not felt the gentle touch of love and care since he had been tangled up in those sheets.
"You've taken enough time to grieve boy, time to come back to me."
The hand was removed as the order filled the air and Big almost whimpered, tears filling his eyes as the machine beeped quickly. He was wanted, he hadn’t been forgotten.
Suddenly he was craving those touches even more, not caring who was giving them to him. He had no reason to feel ashamed or shy. Big had been remembered, and now he sunk deep into the blissful feeling of happiness that had happened.
"I'll be back tomorrow and I had better see those eyes looking at me. Do you hear?"
Big was nodding. One tiny nod before he remember he was supposed to be in a coma. He stilled his head, too little to late and the laugh that sounded wasn't mocking but full of love and life.
The door opened and Big risked a glance, blinking his eyes in the too-bright light.
He was rewarded with the sight of Chan leaving the room slowly, shutting the door silently behind him as if he hadn't been there. There were bandages wrapped around his body, peeking out from under his shirt, and Big was reminded of the fact the major family had almost lost Chan.
In the attack, he had been the reason they won, sending a warning only moments before Vegas entered the main rooms with guns blazing. He had received multiple gunshot wounds but he had not been hit in any vital locations.
Others had not been as lucky.
Big began to sob, finally letting the emotions that had stewed inside him all this time out. Something told him Chan was waiting outside the door for a while, his stern gaze scaring away any nurses who might have interrupted.
Big hadn't been forgotten.
He was ready to wake up now