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Their relationship was not perfect and they both knew it. Their personalities clashed, they didn't understand each other well and on too many occasions to feasibly count they had hurt each other, both purposefully and unintentionally. Sometimes, it was a reaction to their own pain but it didn't excuse it. They regretted it, of course and apologies always came somewhere along the line. They'd patch things up and start again, repeating the cycle that had somehow become a normal part of life.
Some might wonder what they saw in one another and how, in their lowest moments, they managed to pull through together, but even through the difficult times there was unmeasurable love. It was an attraction neither of them could resist and while the bad times were devastating they were nothing compared to the good times. Rin would face a thousand arguments and broken hearts just to have those intimate moments they shared.
He knew, they both did, that they didn't mean to hurt one another in the way they did. They were just young, victim to their emotions and one another. They'd not yet learnt to not take things personally or to control themselves and know when or how to resolve things before they got too far.
They were getting better though.
In the time since they had made things official, a mere fourteen months ago, their disagreements had become less frequent and on the whole, less intense. They were growing older and wiser and learning not to repeat the mistakes of their youth yet during times of emotional intensity they were still weak and foolish, hurting themselves as much as they hurt one another.
Losing his father had changed Rin and it was a change Haru did not know how to deal with. Rin knew deep down that Haru wanted to be there to support him through this difficult time, despite his stoicism making him appear uncaring, but it was also clear that he didn't know how to do so. Rin was far more expressive than Haruka and the pain of his loss brought about tempers and breakdowns which rivalled those of their youth.
-
"You have to stop shutting me out if you want me to help you."
Tensions had been running high for the past few days and Haru's frustration was beginning to show each time Rin shook him off. He tried to be patient but his patience was wearing thin and Rin's surly attitude wasn't helping. Even if he knew the reason behind his behaviour it didn't make dealing with it any easier and didn't make his words sting any less.
"I never asked for your help."
There was that sour, offhand tone again. Rin didn't even look at him when he spoke and Haru knew it would only go downhill from here.
"I never ask for yours either but that's never stopped you before." He hadn't meant it to come out in the way that it did but Rin picked up on it before Haru had a chance to correct himself.
"Why do you have to make it sound like you hate everything I do?" His voice was beginning to rise now, a signal Haru had come to recognise as the start of an argument. "If you don't like it then why the fuck are you still here?"
Haru tried hard to keep his voice level, to diffuse the tension that had been building in the air since the start and prevent the spew of insults and anger which were threatening to erupt, "I'm here for you."
Rin, however, was not backing down. His emotions had been brewing for days. Unable to cry upon hearing the news he'd kept everything inside, waiting for the smallest of things to tip him off and for all of the pain, frustration and loss to spill forth. Unfortunately, Haruka had almost always been that trigger.
"Yeah? Well it sure doesn't feel like it. You're not obligated to do anything for me, Haru and I don't know why you're still bothering when everything I do is clearly just troublesome to you.
"You're putting words into my mouth. I'm not here because I have to be, I'm here because I'm trying to help you."
"Oh and what the hell would you know about helping? How can you help me when you have no idea what it feels like to lose someone close to you? Pretending that you care doesn't make everything better."
Rin was reckless with his words, he always had been and Haruka tried to remember that but still, there was only so much Haru could take. Only so long before his carefully maintained control would slip and in the next moment he found himself fighting back.
"I do care and I'm trying so hard to show that and be there for you but all you're doing is throwing it back in my face. Maybe I don't know exactly what you're feeling but I know what it feels like to lose someone too, the difference is my someone had a choice to stay or go. You chose to leave me and now you have the audacity to tell me that I don't care?"
Tears stung the corners of Haru's eyes but he ignored them as he pushed on, praying that Rin wouldn't notice either. "If you want to believe I don't care so badly then go ahead. You can do this without me anyway, you've never needed me so I'll do you a favour and get out of your way."
He didn't give Rin a chance to stop him before he was making his way towards the door, slamming it on his way out.
"Haru!" Rin screamed, but he was already gone.
Rin crumpled to the floor, his legs no longer offering substancial support to his shaking frame. The heels of his hands found their way to his eyes, pressing hard as if doing so would seal the tears inside. They still fell freely though, his sobs choked as he tried hard to breathe steadily.
It was no use.
How was he supposed to control himself when the man he needed the most right now had walked away?
"Please don't leave me.."
-
Haru hadn't called. The funeral was today. And Rin was far too fragile to reach out to him himself. He needed him there so badly but he could still feel the pain of their fight and the regret of his words. It lingered in his bones - flaring up every time he dared to pick up his phone - the fear of confirming that Haruka wouldn't come back preventing him from trying to make amends. He'd pushed him too far this time and the thought that he had lost Haru for good was too strong to bear.
The fact that Haru hadn't contacted him either, that on the day that Rin needed him most, he hadn't bothered to send so much as a text, was an omen. In a way, Rin guessed it was his punishment and though he probably deserved it, it didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that Haru - who had claimed to love and care for him - couldn't see how much Rin needed him today. Or maybe he could and he just didn't care.
Not for the first time in his life, Rin felt truly alone.
He barely registered his mother and sister's presence as they sat through the service. The numbness was back and he had to question if he was really there, if any of this was really happening. He wanted to feel, he knew he should feel at least something. This was his father, the one who had been the most important man in his life and had been snatched away far too early, and yet he couldn't even shed a tear.
What kind of son doesn't cry at his father's funeral?
The self-loathing hit him first. It stuck throughout the service, a little voice at the back of his head reminding him that if he was unable to grieve here then he should not show his face at all. What must the others think? The eyes of his sibling and mother had not been dry once today, their pain visible for all to see and yet he showed nothing, felt nothing, was nothing.
Even as the coffin was lowered into the ground he could only watch it go, unable to truly process the fact that his father was inside of it. He didn't move as the rest of the congregation slowly began to retreat from the cemetery. The last thing he remembered, before he was alone, was the hand of his mother on his shoulder. No words were exchanged but her silent support was enough.
When the warmth of her hand left him and her footsteps retreated into the distance he could feel again. Immediately he wished for the numbness to wash over him once more because even feeling nothing at all was better than the agony which washed over him.
It spread from his heart, claiming every inch of him along the way and, for the second time this week, he found himself on his knees. His vision blurred but he made no move to wipe away the moisture in his eyes. He didn't want to see, not when seeing meant accepting what he had lost and acknowledging that he was alone.
More than ever he wished for strong arms to wrap around his body, to cradle and protect him while he wept just as his father had done during his childhood. As he'd aged he'd insisted he didn't need that anymore but he would give anything to have it once more. Instead he was exposed, cold and vulnerable and the one person who should have been there to ease his suffering was not. He didn't know if he would ever be there again and though Rin was not ready to lose two people today he needed Haru so much that he would risk losing everything for the miniscule chance that he might still be waiting.
[To: Haru]
[MSG:
I needed you and you weren't there.]