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Please don’t go home yet.
It’s what Jay would want to say right now. It’s not much but – he thinks this is the only way he could convey whatever it is that he wants to tell Sunoo.
They spun around.
Under the tall lamp posts and snowfall — it couldn’t get as cliche as this, but Jay felt his heart flutter as he watched his friend get into a fit of giggles as they danced and lied down on the ground to make snow angels.
Sigh.
Never in this lifetime– nay, even if it transcends lifetimes, never would he wish for this moment to be over and be forgotten.
And when their eyes met– it’s as if the stars have aligned for them. It was such a definitive moment, an epiphany if you will, for Jay. Because that’s when he realised his deep, profound feelings for his friend. It was as clear as when the planets had aligned, like how you see them up in the sky, seemingly like tiny specs suspended in the air– ceased to always be remembered.
Sunoo’s eyes disappear into a fine, arched line, smiling abashedly at the immensity of his own gaze. Jay, he presumes, that the younger must also be feeling what he was feeling judging from the blush creeping up his face. It was visible despite the warm tone of the lamp post and all this squinting caused by the rain.
It was quite dark on some parts of the road. Be that as it may, the younger’s scintillating smile shines upon everything– every nook and crannies of the world. Even the darkest parts are shined upon.
Please don’t go home yet .
Oh how badly he wants to say this to Sunoo. Maybe what he needs is a singularity, you know? Consequently, even if they reach a point of singularity, he and Sunoo still wouldn’t be bound together.
Afterall, a singularity doesn’t preserve time. All concepts of space and time would be broken time had they entered a singularity, au contraire . They wouldn’t be anything but specks of dust in a dark vacuum.
Instinctively, Jay brings his hands to cup the younger’s face – thumbs brushing ever so slightly on the apples of Sunoo’s cheek.
He sighs for the second time as a smile tugs at the end of his lips.
Oh how Jay wants to stay like this forever, frozen in time. But, eventually, Sunoo has to go home. Not just his home in America, but his home in Korea. Which is why he is so desperately holding on to this moment.
The younger one has to go back to his life in Korea. They only meet in person once a year, every winter. That’s why he is making the most out of Sunoo’s stay in America, but this year seems to go by like a whirlwind.
There’s not enough time. Not enough hours in days– in nights. Not enough places to go to. Not enough things to do. Not enough moments to cherish. Not enough food trucks and restaurants to check out. Not enough coffee to warm their frigid bodies as they stroll around their neighbourhood.
Not enough…
It’s just not enough for him. Three weeks is nothing short of pure bliss, that’s undeniable. But wouldn’t it be nice to have Sunoo around him for 525,600 minutes every year? Wouldn’t it be nicer to share every moment with him? But are they even lovers to begin with? To ask for something too much like this? No.
That’s why he cannot ask for his friend to stay even just a tad longer.
“Hey, Sunoo?” Jay starts talking. Sunoo turned to his older friend, humming in response. “Do you have to go home now? Or can we still grab a cup of coffee or something?”
“I could drink a coffee.” Says the younger one in affirmation while nodding his head. Jay mutters a small ‘great’ and flashes a smile, one that slightly shows his canines– making the younger smile as well.
Off they go to a coffee shop and spend more time together because, really, is ‘more time’ spent with a person you truly love and cherish truly ever enough? No, Jay thinks. A few more hours does not seem like a problem for Sunoo anyway. He presumes.
At the back of his mind, Sunoo might or might not have claims as to why Jay is adamant on spending more time together. The first one being; 1. Jay wants him to extend his stay. He is about 97% sure about this, given the circumstances. The 3% deficit is room for his claim going south.
He does not yet want to postulate his second hypothesis and challenge it because— well, he doesn’t have enough evidence yet.
Well, a few subtle experimentations wouldn’t hurt, right? Sunoo thinks.
To be quite frank, he too is reluctant of this day coming to an end. No – he does not yet want a curtain call for this day. If only he could bend time and warp reality, he would have done it already.
But as far as the saying ‘all good things come to an end’ goes, his winter vacation too must come to an end.
They were now inside a coffee shop and Sunoo ended up getting a cup of hot valrhona chocolate instead of a coffee, and Jay got himself a cup of hot chai tea latte. It was perfect for a cold, crisp winter night. They fall into a light conversation – topics are thrown here and there.
From afar, one would think this is the only time of day where they meet – when everyone else is inside the confines of their homes. Two people meeting in the middle of the night as though they are the only ones awake and only the universe is the witness of their unprofessed romantic feelings toward one another.
“Woah, hyung, look!” Sunoo exclaimed as he happened to gaze out the window. Jay looked at where Sunoo was pointing. “It’s so pretty. And mesmerising.”
Outside were oak trees adorned with Christmas lights – it was magical. Snowmen built and designed by children loitered around. And just at the far distance, swarms of fireflies hover above the bushes.
Jay smiled– and turned to look at Sunoo.
“Yeah. Pretty.” Said Jay in a soft, mellow voice.
Sunoo stilled in his spot—from his peripherals, he can see Jay staring at him. Immensely. His voice too sounded like it didn’t bounce off from the windows. It was directly coming from the person seated in front of him.
And just like in every romantic film, Sunoo turns to look at Jay— slowly and with a dramatic flair. The blush on his face is slowly getting more and more prominent.
Must be the thin, chilly air.
Space-Time Continuum— Hermann Minkowski’s concept of Four-Dimensional Space-Time Continuum is a system by which any physical object or an event can be located.
And it seems that they are both in the same time and place.
By the time he’s faced Jay, the older male still holds his intense gaze. Seemingly afraid that if he blinked, the Sun personified in front of him would disappear.
Jay has been… Well, he has been a little different since Sunoo arrived in America. In a good way. He just couldn’t pinpoint it at the time but he was sure the air around him had shifted.
But now, coming face-to-face with this fine, young man — his second hypothesis had been proven positive without resorting to experimentation.
Neither of them said a word. They just continued staring into each other’s eyes— never breaking eye contact as their hearts continuously hammer against their chests.
After what seems about eternity, Jay clears his throat and closes his eyes then opens them again.
1… 2… 3…
His mouth opens, “You’re very pretty, Sunoo.” he mutters– this may as well be the first time Jay has said those words to him and it did a number on him.
Sunoo’s eyes glimmer at the compliment. Having heard them multiple times certainly did not prepare him for hearing it from Jay — his friend of, what, 7 years or more? Who’s keeping track anyway?
The compliment had him stymied for a solid 5 minutes. It’s amazing how he held his own ground while Jay stares at him vehemently.
So he does the same thing.
Looking at Jay, he realised how easy it was for Jay to crawl up to his heart and occupy the space he had left for his future significant other. He may not know when or how it happened because the time they spent apart is far longer than the time they spent together but somehow Jay has managed to make a little home in the confines of his heart.
“Sunoo?” Jay quipped.
Sunoo’s silence has gotten Jay iffy and antsy. The lack of response on the younger male’s end is starting to get to him– his fingers thrummed against the surface of the table, and somehow the pitter-patter of the rain has synchronised with his own heartbeat.
Nervously, he puts his hand on top of Sunoo’s hand – fingers lightly brushing on the smooth, soft skin that he’s ever touched. It does not take long for Sunoo to snap out of his trance.
“Why are you not responding?” Jay asked. “Was I being too forward? Did I come on too strong?” He asked again– quite worriedly so. Jay looked down on his thighs, millions of things running rapidly in his head.
“I did, didn’t I?” He chuckled sadly
He knew he shouldn’t have said that– Oh, screw it! He deserves to know, Jay thought. But before he could get any more sullen, he feels Sunoo’s hand move against his.
He smiled– Sunoo did, and shook his head as he took his hyung’s hand in his. “No, you didn’t.”
Suddenly, the air inside the coffee house shifted.
Jay whipped his head up so fast that he started to feel dizzy. He started to smell green scents such as bergamot, lemon, and mandarin– signalling the transition of the season from winter to spring.
A season for things to start anew, and for new relationships to bud and grow. It almost feels as though Jay were finally home, and the aroma of cinnamon, peppermint, and pumpkin spice adds to the homey-ness of the atmosphere.
Jay’s eyes were blown wide. It was just three simple words yet it was amazing how it affected him.
You see, even having just realized his feelings for the younger male, Jay has already thought of countless scenarios about him and Sunoo. One particular scenario includes them walking under trees in bloom and vibrant colors of flowers.
So yeah, Jay is head over heels in love with Sunoo and he knows it’s gonna take more than professing his love for him to get him to stay for a bit longer — even just for another week.
Jay took a deep breath and composed himself. He cleared his throat and leaned a little closer to the table.
“Sunoo.” He said – eyebrows furrowed as he takes an inordinate amount of time composing his thoughts.
“Yes?” Says Sunoo, voicing out his response — but this seemed to only augment Jay’s nervousness.
“Umm.” He smiled and shook his head.
“Nothing.” He couldn’t help but curse himself in his head for being such a coward. This is not how he envisioned himself telling Sunoo how he feels about him and about his impending return to Korea.
But what can he do? He always gets flustered at how Sunoo looks at him. He looks at him as though he were the only person in the room. It is an instant gratification for his ego – not that he will admit that aloud. But, sigh, it is what it is.
“Let’s go home?” He reluctantly offers to the younger.
“Sure.” Sunoo says while flashing a tight-lipped smile. They stood up and went out of the coffee shop, grabbing their coats at the coat counter.
Please don’t go home yet.
They walked side by side in silence — with only their hearts speaking loudly, reaching out to the other while the two figures continued walking. It was still December yet the air felt like it was February already.
The air was colder, the atmosphere was thinner, and somehow the world felt smaller but the trees looked taller.
Jay huffs yet again – causing Sunoo to look at him weirdly.
“Something wrong, hyung?” Sunoo asked, concern written all over his face — it was adorable and Jay wanted nothing but dote on his dongsaeng and just pepper kisses all over the younger’s face.
His nose.
His eyes.
His cheeks.
His temples.
His forehead.
And…
His lips.
“Nothing, I just…” Jay trails off– seemingly distracted by how the street lamps illuminate Sunoo’s features.
The way the light bounces off on his tall nose bridge and white complexion, the way he can see his own reflection in Sunoo’s eyes, and the way his freckles on his cheeks look like specks of fairy dust.
These things, even the littlest, are some things he doesn’t want to let go of yet and not see again for a whole year.
Knowing that this beauty will fly back to Korea the next morning makes it harder for him to let go. Makes him want for this day to never end.
Because he knows — he knows it all too well, that Sunoo will unwittingly bring a piece of Jay’s heart back to Korea.
And he doesn’t want that.
He wants Sunoo to bring him with him — or migrate to the US. To him. Where he really belongs. So they can be close to each other, emotionally and physically.
He wants to wake up to Sunoo’s sleeping face and kiss him and coax him awake so they can drink tea or coffee and eat breakfast together.
He really wants him to stay. Because in what universe would he draw the strength from to confess to Sunoo? Of course there’s always the messaging app but he doesn’t want to do that.
He wants to brave the stormy seas that is his headspace and confess to Sunoo right then and there.
He stopped in his tracks — letting the younger male walk ahead of him. He gathers all his strength and releases his nervousness by exhaling a bit loudly.
When the younger realized Jay wasn’t beside him anymore, he turned around. There, far behind, stood Jay. Illuminated by the warm lamppost, staring directly at him.
“Sunoo,” he said. Voice so soft yet so audible
“Do you really have to go home right away?”
It was such a simple question yet it held the most sincere, and one true meaning. Hidden behind that question is a million’s worth of words that Jay has been wanting to tell Sunoo since earlier.
Sunoo was taken aback by his hyung’s question. He took the time to study Jay face. And there he found something — something akin to longing.
He thought knew Jay really well. He thought they’ve memorized each other through all the years they have known each other.
And he does.
He knows what goes on inside the older’s mind. He knows his body language but what he didn’t know is that the older was capable of changing his air around him.
Or maybe it was his doing too?
Sunoo does not have the heart to tell the older ‘yes’. No. Not when he has this look in his eyes telling him not to go right away. But quite frankly, he too, wants to stay for a little longer.
His eyes scan Jay for a bit longer and then, something clicked when their eyes locked again for the nth time that night.
Maybe it’s the way their bodies react and their little idiosyncrasies that tell them what they truly want to say. Maybe it’s the years they spent forging their friendship.
But they knew at that moment.
That no words were needed for them. They understand each other really well, and their understanding for each other runs deep.
Sunoo broke into a smile, walking ever so slowly towards Jay — stopping just a few feet away from the older and opening his mouth to speak.
“I guess… I could extend for one more week.”