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Yuu doesn’t know much about love. His parents didn’t love him, and he doesn’t think anyone ever will. How can they, when he’s just demon spawn? As the strange man in the black suit ushers him out of a sleek car, he blinks the tears out of his eyes. There’s a building with a sign that reads ‘Hyakuya Orphanage’. There’s a sudden pinprick of cold on his hand. Looking up, he sees flakes of snow start to fall from the sky.
That’s right. Today is Christmas day - a day that should be spent happily, opening presents from his mom and dad. Yuu doesn’t know much about love, but he really wishes he did. Instead, he’s being dragged away by some strange man to an orphanage. Children are playing in the front yard, bundled up in winter coats and gloves. He shivers as a strong winter breeze beats against his thin jacket.
One of the older-looking kids turns Yuu’s way. He stands out strikingly among the snow, with curly blond hair and piercing blue eyes. Like the sky , he thinks dumbly. And then, unexpectedly, the boy smiles at him. It's a beautiful smile, eyes scrunched up, and teeth on display. He must be an angel, to smile at a monster like Yuu.
“Hi!” the boy calls out, and even his voice is angelic. It rings out clear across the courtyard. He’s not afraid to be heard.
“Ah,” he exhales, his breath caught in his chest.
Is this what love at first sight feels like?
Suddenly, a ball goes flying out of one of the kid’s hands and rolls towards them. The man easily grabs it, and the children come running towards him, including the blond boy.
“Mr. Saito!” they yell, shrieking in joy.
Yuu jolts. What was he thinking? Love at first sight? What a ridiculous thought. He doesn’t even know what love is. Surely it was just a slip of his mind.
“Did you bring toys for us, mister?” the boy asks.
“Not today, I’m afraid. But I did bring you a new friend,” Saito says smoothly.
“A friend?”
“A new friend!” The other children echo the sentiment, crowding around Saito and excitedly waving their arms.
“Come here, Yuu,” Saito beckons him.
Yuu stays firmly hidden behind the bars of the gate.
“Alright everyone,” an old woman steps in, “Let's go inside and let Yuu properly introduce himself in a moment.”
The children all begin to head inside, herded away by the woman. As Saito drags him away again, the blond boy catches his eye. Despite his earlier thoughts, Yuu cannot help but blush under his gaze, even as he glares at him. The boy doesn’t seem to mind, staring right back with those big, beautiful eyes.
“Well, this is where we part ways, for now, Yuu.”
“What?” he snaps.
He would rather not see the man again. Something about him puts him on edge.
“Good luck,” he says with a cryptic smile.
Yuu involuntarily shudders at the mysterious words. Then the director swoops in and begins guiding him toward the orphanage. Saito waves as he walks away.
“Hey, wait!” Yuu yells.
Saito doesn’t look back. The director ignores him too. Stupid adults, never listening to him and pulling him around everywhere! He tries pulling his arm away but the old lady has a surprisingly tight grip on his wrist. They walk through a set of doors and hallways until they enter the main living space. There’s a large window that overlooks the street and already thick layers of snow blanket the ground. The kids have already gathered around in a semi-circle waiting for him.
“Everyone, this is Yuuichirou. Be nice and make friends with him, okay?” The director introduces him.
“Okay!” the pesky blond kid chimes.
He holds his hand out to Yuu. “I’m Mikaela! You’re eight, right? That makes us the oldest here.”
Yuu doesn’t bother making eye contact. Undeterred, Mikaela grabs his hand and shakes it. His hands are soft. He’s pale, too, like the snow swirling outside. He’s so pretty that Yuu doesn’t want to let go of his hand.
“H-hey!” he sputters, “Are you trying to start something with me?”
Mikaela beams at him, and suddenly he’s flat on his back. He continues to grin as Yuu gasps for air. He can’t tell if the fluttering in his chest is from being knocked over or having Mikaela’s thousand-watt smile directed at him.
The director warns them not to fight. Mikaela gives some excuse, but his gaze never strays from Yuu. Then, the younger kids start swarming him as he starts spouting nonsense about family.
That day, Yuuichirou Amane learns a little something about love.
“Director!” one of the kids screams in terror.
And then the world ends.
It's late, although Yuu can’t be entirely sure of the time underground. The small, run-down apartment the orphans live in is quiet at this hour. Yuu rubs the sleep from his eyes as he stumbles to the kitchen for a glass of water. He stops in his tracks when he hears two hushed voices.
“Big brother Mika…”
Yuu peeks around the corner. Mika and Hana, a girl a few years younger than him, are sitting at the table. Hana has tears and snot dribbling down her chin. Mika gently wipes her face clean.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs empathetically.
She snivels and more tears fall. Without missing a beat, Mika wipes them away. There are many things Yuu admires about Mika. Just being around him brings up a flurry of butterflies in his stomach, but his favorite thing about him is how caring he is. The kids always run to him when they’re upset. He takes care of all of them without a second thought, without any complaint.
“I k-know we can’t keep the lanterns burning all night,” Hana hiccups, “b-but what if a vampire comes out of the darkness and drinks our blood!”
He gives her a reassuring smile and brushes her long, brown hair out of her face.
“Didn’t you hear? Big brother Yuu is going to get strong to defeat all the vampires for us.”
“Does he really mean it?” she sniffles.
Mika puffs out his chest and places an emphatic hand over his heart. “Of course! If he was lying, Akane would put him in time out.”
Hana lets out a wet giggle. “Well…” she says thoughtfully, “Does that mean big brother Mika is going to get strong too?
Mika smiles, but it turns out more like a grimace. Absentmindedly, his hand rubs at his neck.
“I am. I’ll find enough oil for the lamps so you don’t have to sleep in the dark, don’t you worry.”
“Thank you big brother!” she quietly cheers.
“Go on to bed now, okay?”
Hana throws her arms around him. She nearly knocks him out of the chair, but he places a steadying hand on her shoulder. Tears are gathering in the corners of his eyes. Yuu blinks in disbelief, wondering if it's a trick of the light. With another thank you, Hana rushes off upstairs. She doesn’t even notice Yuu plastered to the wall, frozen in shock.
Mika buries his face in his hands. Yuu can’t see his face anymore, but there’s no mistaking the shaking of his shoulders. He sucks in a breath and chokes on a silent sob on the exhale. Yuu is rooted to the spot. Mika doesn’t cry. He always smiles, even when his blood is being drained. There’s some horrible, writhing ache in his chest. He wasn’t supposed to see this crack in Mika’s facade.
He draws his hands together, resting his forehead on them. The words are so hushed Yuu can barely make them out. “Please… God…” he whispers.
Finally, Yuu’s feet cooperate with him, and he scrambles away. In his rush to get away, he smacks his knee on the stairs and hopes Mika didn’t hear his quiet groan of pain. He hurries into his bed and throws the covers over his head. He feels off-center as if he’s lost his balance. Mika has always been the stronger one between the two of them. As much as Yuu likes to boast about his own strength, he knows no one is as brave as Mika. If even he is afraid, then…
The stairs creak. The sound of footsteps comes closer and closer until they stop in front of his bed. Yuu goes so still he stops breathing. There’s a quiet sigh and the gentle crinkle of clothes as Mika outstretches his arm to touch the crown of his head, still hidden under the blanket. His heart leaps in his throat.
“Yuu-chan,” Mika whispers. The night carries his words away, and Yuu wonders if he ever said them at all.
Mika doesn’t say anything else. He strains his ears to hear the other crawl into bed. Yuu listens to the sound of his breathing evening out, and only then can he sleep.
“Shouldn’t he be home by now?” Yuu mutters worriedly.
His eyes keep darting down the cobblestone path, hoping to see a head of blond hair appear. He swears he’s been waiting so long that he’s watched the moss creep farther up the cracked stones.
“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Akane tries to assure him.
The sympathetic pat on the shoulder she gives him does nothing to assuage his racing thoughts. There are a million horrible things that could happen to Mika, none of which Yuu has any control over. He’s completely, utterly helpless.
Yuu doesn’t believe in God. He’s never prayed in his life, but he thinks of Mika the other night, his trembling shoulders as he cried, and squeezes his hands together and prays that Mika comes home safely.
Mika does end up coming home. Those few days after he returns are spent in what feels like luxury. He keeps a lantern burning for Hana every night. Akane is able to cook them delicious meals, and they’re even able to have meat for dinner one day. Yuu avoids him as much as possible during that time, still seething with anger that Mika made him worry, and even made him do something as stupid as pray. It doesn’t last for long though, because eventually, Mika seeks him out himself.
Yuu is sitting on the roof with a book in his lap. It's still early in the morning, he thinks, since the streets are devoid of any kids running around. He hears the ladder creak and resolutely keeps his eyes glued to the book. They aren’t even allowed to have books, but it was one of the many gifts Mika’s brought home recently. It's a childish story, clearly meant for one of the younger kids, but he reads it anyways. It turns out reading isn’t as lame as he thought it was.
Mika plops down next to him. He doesn’t say anything, but Yuu can feel his piercing gaze watching him. He tries to gulp down air as discreetly as possible. Surely he can’t hear his heart beating out of his chest? But Mika smiles at him right at that moment, the corners of his mouth curling up like a smug cat. For the briefest of moments, Yuu glances down at his lips and quickly looks away. He didn’t just think that because he’s still mad at Mika, and kissing is gross, and two boys can’t kiss anyways, and-
“Yuu-chan.”
Yuu’s head snaps up. Mika said it in that same tone of voice he did the other night.
“It’s not nice to eavesdrop, you know!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yuu mutters.
So much for the silent treatment. Yuu’s resolve is easily weathered away by one pretty smile. He’s still upset but doesn’t have the energy for it anymore. For as long as he’s known Mika, he’s always been like this - hiding behind cheerfully spoken words and blinding grins.
“Liars go to hell, Yuu-chan.”
He pushes the book out of his lap and stretches out across the roof with one hand under his head as a cushion.
“So you really do believe in God?” he asks.
Mika hums and sprawls out next to him. When he first returned after being missing for hours, he was paler than usual. He was almost sickly. Akane fretted endlessly, but the bags under his eyes eventually disappeared and color eventually came back to his skin. Yuu is happy to see him healthy again.
“I dunno,” Mika replies easily, “My parents prayed sometimes.”
Yuu scoffs. What do the people who hurt Mika know?
“Your parents are stupid.”
“Well, don't you sometimes wish someone would come and save you from this place?”
Staring up at the dark, cavernous ceiling above him, he ponders the question. I wished someone would save you the other day.
“Whatever.”
Mika’s head suddenly hovers above him. His azure eyes sparkle like the sun’s rays on the ocean. Although his hair has lost some of its luster from being underground, he’s still so pretty. Yuu averts his gaze, hoping Mika doesn’t see him blush.
“I’ll be leaving again after dinner.”
“Wha-”
Mika flops down on his chest, effectively shutting him up. It punches the air out of his lungs but he can’t bring himself to push him off.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the first time,” he mumbles.
He sounds tired. His arms feel so thin where they’re wrapped around him. Has Mika always been this skinny? How had he never noticed before? They’re best friends. They’re supposed to know everything about each other. Memories of the other night flash through his mind. Of course. He should have known this would be just one more thing Mika would keep from him, one more burden he would try to carry on his own.
“I…” Yuu says lamely, unable to form any words.
There are too many emotions bubbling up in his chest to think properly. Concert for Mika, self-hatred that he’s so powerless, hatred for the prison they’re trapped in and their captors, and to top it all off, said boy laying on his chest.
“Don’t even think it,” Mika says firmly, poking him in the ribs. “You can’t stop me, so don’t blame yourself.”
Yuu wants to be able to stop him. If only he weren’t so incompetent, he could do something to take them all away from this horrible place. All he can do instead is wrap his arms around Mika. For once, he doesn’t make any teasing comments about Yuu being unusually clingy.
He thinks the butterflies in his chest are revolting with the way they hammer against his ribs like they’re begging to be let out. Those three words he can’t seem to get out of his head flutter up his throat and kiss the back of his teeth.
He swallows them down.
Yuu is 12 years old now, and he thinks he learns more and more about love every day he spends with Mika. He thought that as the years passed, his love at first sight would fade, but it continues to leave his heart aglow.
“Yuu-chan?”
“Hm?”
“What’s your favorite color?”
Neither of them can sleep. Mika pushed their beds together and they’ve been talking about anything and everything for what must be hours now, occasionally lapsing into silence until one of them brings up another topic.
“Um…”
Mika is laying on his side, propped up with his elbow. The nearby oil lamp sends flames dancing on the ocean of Mika’s blue eyes.
“Blue,” he blurts out.
“Really? Why? I expected you to say red or something.”
“W-well,” he stammers, “Pretty things like the sky and the ocean are blue. What’s so special about red?”
“What romantic reasons,” Mika teases.
If only Mika knew it was all his fault. Yuu didn’t care about childish stuff like favorite colors and pretty things until he came along.
“What’s your favorite color, then,” he asks, feeling irrationally defensive over colors.
Now it's Mika’s turn to look bashful. He’s an overwhelmingly cute sight when his cheeks are pink.
“Green, I guess,” Mika mutters.
“You have to give me a reason too!”
“I guess it's because…” he pauses as if considering his next words, “I haven’t seen the grass or leaves in years, but every day I wake up and see your eyes, and it reminds me a bit of the world above.”
“Oh,” Yuu gulps, “You- your eyes. They remind me of the sky.”
He curses himself for saying something so stupid. He should’ve just kept his dumb mouth closed.
“So you think they’re pretty?” Mika asks, shyly looking up at him through his blond locks.
Yuu huffs and turns to face the other side of the bed. If he looks at the other any longer he’s going to explode. Wordlessly, he nods. A hand comes up to cling to the back of his sleep shirt.
“I think you’re pretty too,” Mika says.
The next morning Akane gives him a cheeky grin.
“Oh Yuu-chan, you’re soo pretty,” she croons.
He tackles her to the ground.
Sleep pulls at his eyelids as he yawns, fighting to stay awake. He flips the page in his book, eyes scanning over the lines but not retaining any information. It's another one of Mika’s gifts that he returns with every time he disappears. Ever since he saw Yuu reading on the rooftop that day, he’s been acquiring them faster than he can read them. He thinks it's his way of saying he’s sorry for leaving. He doesn’t mind though. The days are long in Sanguinem with nothing to do but think about their miserable life. It's nice to have a way to escape.
Just one more page, he tells himself, one more page, and then Mika will walk through that door-
Mika does, in fact, walk through the door as he finishes his thought. Yuu blinks, wondering if sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations.
“Yuu-chan.”
It's not a hallucination. If it was, Yuu thinks he’d imagine Mika in a much better physical state. He looks exhausted as he shuffles into the apartment. Despite clearly being drained, he smiles excitedly when he hands Yuu another book. Yuu has always noticed how pretty Mika is. His messy curls when he first wakes up. The fond glint in his eyes as he watches the kids play. But lately, when he notices these pretty things about Mika, they make him want to do things like hold his hand when they’re walking through the streets of Sanguinem, or kiss his pink cheeks when he blushes.
It's become a serious problem, because now as Mika stares expectantly at him and the new book in his lap, he thinks, I really want to hug you .
Nothing is stopping Yuu from hugging him except his pride. Mika is usually the one who initiates any kind of touch, though. If Yuu does it, he’d probably never hear the end of it from him and Akane. She somehow manages to know everything that happens between the two.
“What’s this?”
“A book, duh.”
Yuu glares at him.
“It’s about the outside world,” Mika explains, tapping on the cover.
The picture on the front is a sprawling vista of snow-capped mountains. Yuu traces a finger along the textured peaks. The title reads ‘Natural Wonders of the World.’
“How did you get this?”
“A magical fairy gave it to me.”
“Shut up!”
“It’s true! She said ‘It's a gift for that loud-mouthed brat’,” Mika says in an annoying, high-pitched voice.
Yuu playfully shoves him. Instead of pushing him back, Mika lurches, almost falling over before catching himself.
“Crap, are you okay? I didn’t mean to push you so hard.”
Mika shakes his head. “Don’t worry. I’m just lightheaded.”
“Jeez, why are you standing here talking to me then? You need to eat,” Yuu scolds him.
He tucks the books under his arm and grabs Mika’s wrist with his free hand. He tugs him into the kitchen and deposits him in a chair. He rests his head on his arms and watches Yuu as he roots through the kitchen for something to eat. He settles for an orange, peeling it and separating the pieces.
“Yuu-chan is actually a kind person,” he says thoughtfully.
“I’m not,” he grumbles.
Mika giggles weakly. Yuu gives him a sidelong scowl. He sets the bowl down hard just to prove his point.
“Just eat already!”
“You’re not going to feed me?” Mika teases.
Yuu goes to snatch the bowl away, but Mika is faster. He cradles it to his chest, popping a piece of the fruit in his mouth. He hums happily and swings his legs under the table as he chews. There’s a self-satisfied glimmer in his eyes- as if he read Yuu like an open book and got exactly what he wanted.
“I hate you,” he says, hiding a smile behind his hand.
“Look, this is the Aurora Borealis, but most people call it the Northern Lights. Which is kind of misleading, because they can happen near the south pole too…” Mika drones on.
Yuu zones the rest out. It's not because he thinks it's boring - well, maybe all the science stuff is, but the pictures are really neat - but rather because there’s something much more interesting in front of him. Mika is really cute when he talks about things he likes. His face lights up, gestures with his hands a lot, and his voice cracks sometimes.
They’re laying on their stomachs in Mika’s bed. The book he gave him is in front of them, opened to a page about the Northern Lights and the science behind it. Mika doesn’t even need the book as he spouts facts off the top of his head.
“Yuuuuu-chan,” he whines.
Yuu snaps out of his thoughts. Mika is pouting at him.
“I’m paying attention,” Yuu insists.
“Liar, you just keep staring at me!”
Yuu turns scarlet. A quick glance confirms that Mika is blushing too. The blond clears his throat and turns his attention back to the book.
“Surely there’s something in here that you find interesting.”
“Uhh…” Yuu mumbles, flipping through some of the pages. He stops at a picture of the Milky Way Galaxy. “I think space is cool.”
“Back at the orphanage, Akane would have to drag me inside every night because I would always sneak out to look at the stars. I wish I could see them again,” Mika reminisces.
He can imagine an eight-year-old Mika staring out at a sea of stars. There are so many things he wants to show the other and experience by his side. The Aurora Borealis, the sky on a clear summer day, and snow on Christmas day.
“I’ll take you to see the stars then,” he declares.
Mika rests his head in his palm. There’s a hint of a wistful smile on his lips.
“It sounds like a nice dream.”
“It’s not just a dream. I swear we’ll get out of here one day,' Yuu says.
They’re just words, but he desperately wants to make them real.
“Promise me?”
“Promise.”
Mika shuffles closer. Yuu holds his pinky out, expecting them to swear on it. He moves even closer, close enough he can see that the other even has pretty eyelashes. They’ve definitely missed the mark for a pinky promise now.
For a moment, all he can see is Mika’s blond curls. He smells like the plain soap the vampires provide them with. There’s the faint brush of lips against his cheek. Mika pulls away and takes all the air in his lungs with him.
“Alright. Let’s go home,” Mika says.
He smiles, so simple, yet so perfect. Yuu imagines seeing that smile in the light of day for the first time in four years and decides there’s nothing he wants more in the world.
The next morning, Mika’s bed is empty.
Yuu touches his cheek, the lingering press of lips still there, and sighs.
He can hardly believe the words he’s hearing. Mika is talking a mile a minute, waving a map and a freaking gun around, as he explains how they’re going to run away. Run away. Yuu clutches Mika’s hands until his knuckles turn white.
“Does this mean-”
“We’re going to be free. Go get the kids ready.”
He forces his disbelief aside even though it feels as if his consciousness might float away from his body at any second. He’s going to be someone the blond can rely on, so he never has to hide his sadness ever again. Stupid Mika, always trying to solve everything on his own.
Every night his parents' words echo through his head. He knows he’s an obnoxious brat who doesn’t deserve to live. He might even be the devil incarnate. Yet he has people who care for him. He scans their faces as they shuffle through the dark streets of Sanguinem until his gaze settles on Mika. The first person who saw him as human. The boy who saw him, brash and bothersome as he was, and greeted him without a second thought.
Yuuichirou Amane thinks he finally understands what love feels like.
Until he learns what heartbreak is.