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For the first time since he got stuck in the upside down, Will wasn't overwhelmingly sad. He wasn't scared. He wasn't anxious. He wasn't jealous, angry, guilty, tired.
But, he wasn't happy either. He wasn't jumping for joy at the fact that everything upside down related was finally over. He wasn't excited that they were moving back to Hawkins. Truthfully, he wasn't anything.
The only thing he could feel is the strange, yet welcoming feeling of pure numbness.
He couldn't feel his heartbreak when no one around him tried to include him in a conversation. He couldn't feel it when he remembered that everyone, even his own mom, forgot his birthday. The pit in his stomach when Mike's words of "We're friends!" and "My life started the day we found you in the woods" flashed through his mind. He couldn't feel it when Mike held El's hand, when Lucas talked over him when he tried to put himself in the conversation somehow, when no one even acknowledged that he had tried to speak. He especially couldn't feel it when Hellfire was brought up- which might be exactly what pushed him over the edge.
Will liked it better this way.
Sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back up against the sofa, Will was practically staring a hole in the wall that was in his line of sight. They were all sprawled out around Hopper's cabin, everyone chatting as they took a break from cleaning. Joyce and Hopper were sitting at the kitchen table, engrossed in a conversation that Will couldn't hear. A conversation that Will didn't want to hear.
Nancy, Jonathan, Steve, Robin, and Eddie were in their own group off to the side, sitting in the same position Will was. From the glimpses he caught, the tension between them had disappeared. For a solid second before his mind went blank again, he felt happy for them, happy that they all have each other.
The party, his so called 'best friends', were sprawled out around the sofa. Lucas was closest too him, leg bumping his shoulder every now and again. Mike and El were at the other end, fingers intertwined as El's head rested on his shoulder. Max and Dustin were on the floor with him, except they were facing the sofa and the others.
Will stopped paying attention to their conversation after about 20 minutes. He'd put his opinion in, tried to speak up, tried to laugh at inside jokes he didn't understand. Being ignored, Will turned his back towards them. They didn't even notice.
He could make out a few words here and there. "I made the winning shot-" "Music was my lifeline, which is a bit ironic-" "...her with a roller skate." "erica even joined-" "hellfire club-" "...cool t-shirts." "...would've been so much better with Luc-"
Eventually, he toned out completely.
He was so zoned out, he didn't even notice the way the room practically stilled, falling quiet. He didn't notice everyone stepping a bit closer to him, nor did he notice the way Lucas nudged his arm.
"Will?" Lucas asked softly, moving from his place on the couch to sit beside him. "Are you.. Are you okay?"
Will finally zoned back in, bringing his head up slowly. Once they finally got a glimpse of the boy's face, concern grew thickly over the tension in the air.
Will was glancing around the room, cold eyes roaming as if he was trying to make eye contact with every person in the room. His lips were formed as a frown, and he looked as if he had gone completely numb. Normally, they would be overjoyed not to see a hint of sadness in Will's eyes. This time was different. This time, there didn't seem to be even a sprinkle of emotion in his eyes. In all of him, really.
It scared them.
Will slowly nodded at the question before his eyes were met with the wall once again. He knows they're worried. He knows he may be acting irrationally. He just really couldn't bring himself to actually care anymore.
Once they realized they weren't getting anymore out of him, they all glanced around at each other, a silent plea of "what the fuck do we do."
"Do you..." Dustin started, a pit in his stomach. "Do you think it could be Vecna?"
Everyone's eyes snapped towards him, and the tension in the air was at an all time high. "He's dead." Robin whispered, getting a response of a few nods and a confirmation from Eleven.
In any other situation, Will would have felt guilty. He would've apologized, plastered a fake smile on his face, and told them that he was okay. The look of fear, sadness, hurt on their faces usually would've broke his own heart.
He doesn't feel guilty.
"Um.. Will, honey, are you sure?" Joyce cleared her throat. "You know you can always talk to us. There's been so much going on."
Will didn't look at her. He didn't even give any indication that he was even listening. Suddenly, the room erupted in too-loud voices.
"Will, what's wrong?"
"Come on, Byers."
"We're all here for you."
"Just talk to us."
"Please be quiet!" Hopper shouted. Everyone, sans Will who didn't move an inch, jumped, snapping their head in his direction.
He didn't acknowledge them, though. Instead, he slowly walked closer to Will before crouching down in front of him. The look on his face- soft, concerned, caring- was something no one has ever really seen on him before, maybe except for El.
"Hey." Hopper said softly, giving him a small smile. "What's going on? I know talking about everything is kinda... hard, but it's necessary. We understand it. You've had too many traumatic experiences, way too young. You're, what? 14? Yo-"
"15." Will corrected, finally glancing at the man in front of him. "I'm 15."
Once again, the room went completely quiet. Realization set in and, god, how the fuck did they forget his birthday?No one really knew what to say, their mind fogging up with guilt as they stutter out sentences that don't make sense. Will almost wishes that he could muster up a laugh.
Almost.
"March 22." Will muttered after another solid minute of pure silence.
He could practically feel the guilt, the tension, the fear that was lingering around everyone. Joyce was on the brink of tears, and Jonathan was staring at Will the same way Will was staring at the wall, trying to come up with any reason as to why he forgot his own brothers fucking birthday.
In an instant, excuses and apologies were being thrown every which way. Yet, Will continued to sit there, no light left in his eyes.
He knows not everyone's at fault. Like Nancy, who doesn't really have any reason to call her boyfriend's little brother to wish him a happy birthday. Like Steve, Robin, and Eddie, who Will didn't really know and wasn't close to. He's taking Hopper out of the count, too. It's not like he could've made a phone call from Russia. He wasn't really that upset with Max either, as they were never too close, and Max had obviously been through the ringer. Even before Vecna got ahold of her.
The others, though. Will couldn't really muster up the energy to make excuses for them.
"Will, why didn't you say something?" Mike asked loudly, throwing his hands up in frustration. All heads snapped in his direction, sans Will who just moved it slowly. "What? There was a lot happening! If he was that upset about it, he should've said something!"
The room stilled again, and anger was slowly piling over the tension. Will thinks it's rather funny that the anger was coming from everyone besides him. They're the ones who forgot his birthday, and they're angry?
Will can tell they thought this was the only problem. That, forgetting his birthday, had hurt him so bad, he couldn't even feel that hurt anymore. It wasn't just that, though. No, this has been building up since the first battle with the mindflayer. From the second he saw Mike dancing with El at the Snowball, an ache in his chest he really did not want to unpack. From the full summer of begging his friends to pay attention to him, getting nothing but laughed at in return. From "it's not my fault you like girls!", from the move, from not hearing a single thing from anyone for an entire year, when Eleven had a stack full of letters, when Eleven was the only one anyone had ever asked for when they called the Byers's new house. From Jonathan being too stoned for the last year to acknowledge he was there, from his family forgetting his birthday, from "we're friends! we're friends!" and "maybe you should've reached out more, I don't know!"
From "my life started the day we found you in the woods."
Everyone was always too wrapped up in the way Will's feelings made them feel instead of the fact that Will was the one feeling them.
"Are you actually trying to blame me for you forgetting my birthday?" Will said numbly, staring right at him.
Mike opened and closed his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. Will didn't break eye contact until more voices spoke up.
"Will, we did-"
"Seriously, Mike?"
"Am I wrong?!"
"I am so sorry hon-"
"So much was happening, it slipped my mi-"
"You know," Will cleared his throat, sitting up straighter against the couch. "I'm sitting here listening to all of you rushing to apologize, but I haven't heard on that was actually sincere."
Every one was taken back, eyebrows furrowed as their expression melted into confusion. "We are being sincere, we're so so-"
"Then why is there always a lame ass excuse following the apology?" Will said. "I have known almost every one in this room my entire life. I don't know what it is, but ever since we got the mindflayer out of me, you all have treated me like I don't even exist anymore."
Tears were being shed now, but Will was way too far gone to care. "From the stories I've heard about when I went missing, you did everything you could to find me. Now, it's almost like you couldn't have cared less if I was found or not. It's almost as if you wished I wouldn't have."
Mouths gaped at him, hands were shaking, and a feeling of complete dread was spreading through the room. "Will." Joyce said softly. "Honey, that's not true.
"When you went missing, it broke something." Jonathan finished for her, trying his best to keep his tears at bay. "In all of us. Saying that we did- that we didn't care isn't fair."
Heads nodded in agreement. Instead of those words pushing Will out of his daze like he had hoped, he just stared silently at them. All it did was push Will further away.
"It wasn't you." Will muttered, and no one really caught what he said.
"What?" Hopper had asked desperately, wanting to do any and everything to make this go away.
"It wasn't you." Will said loudly, slowly getting up from his place on the floor. "I was the one stuck in the upside down. Me. You're all sitting here, telling me how much me getting trapped down there affected you."
"Th-that's not fair, either." Dustin spoke up, looking up towards him with a look full of hurt. "It did affect us. It hurt us. We were so worried, we thought you were dead. We saw-"
Will sighed, making him stop in the middle of a sentence. "Here's the difference between me and you." He started, pointing his finger to let them know that the you was meant for all of them. "I acknowledge the pain you went through. I don't brush it off. I don't try to one up you by telling you I had it so much worse. You do. You're doing it right now. I tell you that you forgot my birthday, and your first reaction is to tell me how hard everything has been for you."
Everyone was staring at him in shock, and he didn't give anyone a chance to respond. "I was trapped in the upside down for a week. I was stuck in there with the demogorgan, the demodogs, and even Vecna. I was alone. I was 12 years old, alone with monsters that, if given the proper chance, would've torn be to shreds."
He was speaking calmly. Too calmly. They wanted him to be angry, to yell, to scream. They wanted his emotions to come back. He was staring at them as if he's completely given up on everything.
Maybe he has.
"I came back. I was stared down in the hallways at school, I had people shoving 'zombie boy' notes in my locker. I had people telling me that it would've been better off if I had just stayed dead. That I was the reason for everything going to shit after I went missing."
A few gasps were heard around the room, tears falling freely. They were speechless. Sure, they knew about 'zombie boy' and the stares. They were the talk of the town for months, and sometimes they're still brought into strangers' conversations. Will never told them the details, never told them how deep it actually went. He figures he can't be mad about that. He didn't tell, but no one ever asked.
"Then, because obviously the universe has it out for me, I became a host for the mindflayer. As if the flashbacks, the bullying, the guilt, the nightmares weren't enough, Vecna got to me in a way that will never give me the chance to let it go. He invaded me, my mind. He knew everything I felt, everything I thought, and used it against me to get to you. All I could do was let it happen. I could see and feel every little thing, knowing that there's no way I could help you."
He took a pause, deeply breathing in through his nose. No one said anything, no one even moved. They looked at Will like they don't even know who he is. Like he was a stranger. Kind of like they lost him a second time, for good this time.
Maybe they did.
"I still have the scar." His head turned to the side, making eye contact with Nancy.
Nancy shut her eyes tightly, tears pouring over. Her face formed a grimace. "Will, I'm so s-"
"I don't blame you." He shrugged. "I don't blame any of you for that."
Mouths began to open, and Will knows that it's going to be an endless cycle of apologies, excuses, reassurance, anything that would make them look less like the bad guy. But he wasn't finished yet.
"What I blame you for is the summer afterwards. Not all of you." He turned around, facing the shell-shocked faces of the ones who ended up crowding together on the sofa. Max was staring at the ground, leg jumping up and down. She was crying, but if she wouldn't have brought her hand up to wipe her nose, he wouldn't have been able to notice. He couldn't see Dustin's face, either, but he can probably guess it's about the same as Max's. Lucas was staring straight ahead, arms crossed over his chest. Mike and Eleven were the only two making eye contact with him. They were sat up straighter, cheeks flushed and eyes watery.
"You." Will says pointing his finger around all of them. "All I really wanted to do was play D&D. One game is all I asked for-"
"We weren't in the mood, Will!" Lucas sat up straighter, throwing his hands in the air as he spoke loudly. "We had other things to worry about!"
The emotions in the room were gonna give him whiplash. Lucas's eyes were narrowed towards him, but the tears falling from his eyes and the crack in his voice gave away the fact that he was more sad than angry. Mike nodded his head in agreement, and he's almost positive he saw a small shake of Dustin's head. Mouths were gaping at him, some were glaring at the three boys on the couch, tears were flowing heavily, shakes caused by fear, guilt growing through the tension.
He should be mad.
He's not mad.
"Other things?' Will asked calmly. "You mean trying to win back your girlfriends who dumped you for lying to them? Those things?"
"Yes, those things!" Mike spoke louder than Lucas did. It was almost funny, really. Everyone was defensive, angry, so hurt that they're red in the face, while Will was standing front and center, speaking numbly without any hint of emotion on his face.
They're doing it again. They're acting like Will's hurt was hurting them. They hurt him, and they're mad that Will's hurt. They haven't learned, and he's not entirely sure that they ever will.
"You cannot be mad at us for wanting to spend time with our girlfriends instead of playing a stupid game! It's not our fault that you don't have anyone else! Or that you're lonely, or that you don't have a girlfriend! It's not our fault that you don't like girls!" Mike finished
All heads snapped towards Mike. He's pretty sure he heard a gasp, and maybe even a few deep breaths. Some were shocked, some were angry, some were looking at Will as if he was finally about to get angry.
"Mike Wheeler, you are on thin fucking ice." Jonathan spit out. While he's not sure if the context of what Mike said was right, Jonathan knows. He knows how bad that sentence had to break Will's heart. He knows how deep it ran. Will being gay wasn't news to him, and while Will has never explicitly said it to him, he knows. He knew the boy better than anyone, and it's not hard to notice that the way Will looks at Mike wasn't a way he looks at any of his other friends.
They should, too. Not necessarily about him being gay, but how deep it went. They heard the rumors, the know the things Will was called his entire life. They should know how badly that would've stung, yet he said at anyways.
Jonathan had taken a step forward, only to be stopped as Nancy threw her arm out. No one mentioned it. No one really thought it was the time to mention it. They were waiting for Will to actually break, but he never did. Not in the way they wanted him to, anyways.
"No, it's not." Will shrugged. "It's not mine either. I've spent my entire life hating myself for it. Feeling disgusted with myself, feeling like a freak, the list goes on and on, really."
Through knowing looks and realizations, Will stared straight at Mike, who's face was covered in guilt as he opened and closed his mouth. He was struggling to find something to say, but he eventually snapped his mouth shut and broke the eye contact.
"I wasn't so hurt by it for whatever reasons you're thinking. Maybe I was lonely. My friends, my 'best' friends ditched me the whole summer. Most of the time, it felt like I didn't even exist to you. Moving away didn't change that. I didn't get any letters. I didn't get any phone calls. Every time I tried, either you or your parents would come up with some bullshit excuse that couldn't have made it more obvious that you were lying."
Hope diminished as Will pushed further and further away from them, and the fear of the thought of losing Will again was growing stronger.
"You couldn't give me a hug at the airport, Mike. My best friend since kindergarten came to visit after a year of nothing, and it was obvious he wasn't there to see me. My birthday was the same day. A day where literally nothing life threatening was happening. Yet, you're blaming me? My own mom didn't even remember."
Joyce noticeably flinched. Will knows she's wondering how shitty of a parent she has to be to forget her own son's birthday. He doesn't think she's a bad parent, at all. He just can't make himself to actually feel guilty about it.
"You all have given me more than enough reasons to feel like you don't care. Yet, I still haven't been given an apology that's genuine. I understand we've all be through more trauma than we should have. I was here for you. I was here for all of you. Yet, you all acted like my trauma was hurting you so much worse than it was hurting me. That's what isn't fair."
Will was a sensitive person, everyone knew that. Even the people who didn't personally know him, knew that. It was something that people usually take advantage of. It was something he was ridiculed for. For him to be standing completely still, making eye contact with everyone that was practically lifeless, they were scared, heartbroken.
Will was far too gone, and they aren't sure if they could ever bring him back.
"Stop telling me you're sorry. Stop telling me you're sorry, and then doing the same thing over and over. I don't have the energy to keep defending all of you, nor do I have the energy to keep putting in everything I have for people who couldn't care less."
No one knew what to say. They all just stared at him, and Will stared back. They all fucked up, now to the point where they might lose someone they love dearly for good. They had hurt him in a way that they didn't even think was possible. They broke him, and nothing they say will ever be able to make up for it.
Hopper's arm was tossed around Joyce's shoulders, holding her tight tho his chest as she let out broken sobs into the palm of her hand. Jonathan looked at the brink of breaking down, wondering how in the hell he didn't notice that Will was hurting so much. He was holding onto Nancy's hands tightly, and the only think Nancy could do was blink tears out of her eyes and squeeze his hand. The other three older people in the room were farther way from the others, keeping a distance as they watched Will snap. They were confused, guilty, and just overwhelmingly sad. They didn't even do anything wrong, yet they can't help but feel partially responsible for the boy's hurt. Hell, Eddie's never even met the kid, and he feels like he may throw up at any second.
His eyes found their way back to the party, and the Will a few hours ago would've sobbing and apologizing at the look of guilt and defeat on their faces. Lucas and Max were leaning into each other. Max was still staring at the floor while Lucas held her hand, tears of his own rolling down his cheeks. Dustin wasn't looking any better than Eddie was. If anything, he looked way worse. He was staring up at Will, so sad and so ashamed. His eyes were bloodshot red as his arms were crossed over his chest.
At some point, Eleven had diverted her eyes from him. She was shaking, and no one missed the broken sobs she tried to bite down. She thinks it's her fault, that all of this was her fault. It wasn't, and Will never thought it was. He would never blame her. He would never blame any of them.
If Will could actually feel something, the sight of Mike would've broken his heart. He was staring up at him, and tears were streaming down his face. The guilt, the anger, the loss, the heartbreak was staring back at Will.
Will just shook his head at them, turning around without another word. He walked towards the door of Hopper's cabin, which caused noises of protest as people jumped and took a few steps towards them.
They were begging him not to leave, worried about what could happen if he left. What would happen if he left. Sighs of relief were heard when Will stopped in his tracks, hand on the door knob. The relief didn't last too much longer as he turned around slowly.
His free hand came up to touch the back of his neck, and the room stilled once again. Everyone knows what that means, and a sense of dread fell over them.
"Vecna's not dead."
The door was opened and then slammed shut faster than they could blink. Everyone stayed frozen, the room dead silent except for a few sobs here and there. They know they should've went after him, should've called out to him, tell him again how sorry they were. They didn't, and Will isn't surprised that no one followed him out of the cabin. He doesn't know where he's going, but he just kept walking.
He know's that they're sorry, but he just can't bring himself to care anymore.