Work Text:
My old name holds the past.
It holds on to the dark moments alone, it holds on to the calling out of itself in an empty room.
It holds the tears and struggle, it holds the pain and the fear.
It claims the happy moments and turns them to anguish, remembering what I was called then, remembering that it’s never really been there.
My old name holds the present,
the calling of my family, who refuse to change it.
It holds the teachers who I have to correct during attendance, while it feels like everyone’s eyes are on me.
It holds the mistakes and the bad moments, and it claims the time with my family.
My old name holds the future.
It will claim the time until I change again,
it will claim the time until it’s legal,
It will claim the time until I take medications and get surgery,
and it will oppose my body until I die.
My name claims the happy moments of the past. The affirmations and the titles. The online friends and the first people to use it in real life.
It claims the nostalgia for moments where I can ignore the old name, replace it with the new name in my head.
My name holds the present.
The people who shout my name in a crowded place to get my attention.
The teachers who, after several corrections, call my name during attendance.
It holds the small moments of friendship, the videos and journal entries narrating moments of time I wish I could go back to.
My name holds the future.
My name will live on in the form of memories in a different way than my old name.
My name will change and grow as I will,
it will adapt to life with me.