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Prologue
I'm bi.
Onmisexual, to be precise, but it kinda falls under the bi/pan umbrella so it's easier to just say "bi". People know what it means by now.
But, I should warn you, this is not some great self-discovery trope, nor an emotional coming out story.
To be honest, in hindsight I should have actually realized a lot sooner my sexuality, but it never really was a big deal for me. For the longest time my default answer to the question "what is your sexuality" had been "boh", which I found kinda funny but also very appropriate. I wasn't quite sure, but I didn't really care. I was attracted to whoever I was attracted, who cared?
So yeah, no big self-discovery when I finally put in the effort to figure out. Some of my friends know, some I think very strongly suspect, my brother knows.. My mom doesn't, because as "straight" somehow my advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights has more weight, so I don't exactly do anything to hide but I never explicitly said I'm part of the community.
So as you can see this is not gonna be your usual queer story.
This is the story of a dumb girl and how she made her own life kinda miserable for literally no reason.
My name is Oni, and this is what happened during the last 8 months or so.
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Part 1
How it started
Before we start, I should probably give y'all at least the essential knowledge needed to understand.
Around 4 years ago, I met thru a tweet 3 amazing human beings, and they quickly became my closest friends. We live many km apart, but we live in the same country, share life experiences (or lack of thereof), tastes, mentality, values… I love them all so much and we are pillars to each other's lives.
Penny has such a big heart and no one can top her make-up skills. Mel is the strongest of us, she likes rock music and dark humor and it's so easy to get along with.. And then we have Bree. Bree is the center of this story.
It all started when, while having one of our usual conversations in the group chat, Bree and I agreed that platonic kissing can exist between friends, while Mel and Penny were convinced they could never do anything if they didn't feel something for the other person.
While for some reasons Bree and I became more and more intimate friends, we started half jokingly plan what kisses we would want to try out, taking them from thai BLs.
So when in February she came visiting me, we ended up having a few make-out sessions, some of which were pretty intense if I have to be honest.
It was all very platonic, let's be clear. We just got to have fun and try a few things we probably wouldn't be able to with any bf. Not if they're not into BLs and especially not anytime soon.
We had a lot of fun, both with the kissing and just spending time together, and we both couldn't wait to repeat the experience when she would come again for my birthday in November.
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Part 2
A (not so) Brilliant Idea
One day of June, the four of us were talking about missing the feeling of liking someone. That flutter of the heart, the butterflies, being excited just by the prospect of seeing the other person, or talking with them. The happiness of receiving a text from them.
I wondered if it was possible developing a crush on someone just by acting as if you have one already, and that's how I got my brilliant idea.
Why not verifying it myself using the scientific method?
But on whom?
Well, wasn't Bree the best option? We talked every day, we were super close and comfortable with each other, and we had some level of physical intimacy which made it all even easier as a starting point.
So I spent the whole summer riling myself up every day, with every text. Sorta flirting at times, just for the fun of it.
At some point I stopped feeling like it was an act and at times I had to actually remember it wasn't real.
So I guess I proved that it is, in fact, possible to induce yourself to develop a crush.
Sadly this soon became a problem.
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Epilogue
Pull Your Head Out Your Ass
Since a few months before her visit in February, Bree had been talking with a guy.
We were all convinced he liked her, but at some point, around the end of the year, he said he only saw her as a friend, so we sorta stopped making comments about it.
I felt guilty 'cause I was the one that most of all was convinced of it and kinda encouraged Bree to fantasize.
You're probably starting to guess where the problem lays, but let's go in order.
The summer came and went, and as September started we were planning all the games and kissing we would do in November, for my 30th birthday, as we continued to do since the year before.
We were both touch deprived and couldn't wait for it to arrive.
Then, on September 15th, the before mentioned guy, Mr "I only see you as a friend", kissed Bree.
They obviously started a relationship that day, even if they didn't officialize it until a bit later.
Well. They will.
The kiss(es) happened yesterday in my perspective.
And I've been hurting for different reasons.
I have to fight the crush I oh so very stupidly brought myself to develop, desperatly reminding myself it's not real. In addition to this, I can't avoid being so disappointed and sad about our plans for November. She's gonna have a bf, but I was really looking forward to the cuddling and kissing, not even counting the crush, just platonically like it was in February.
And I'm jealous. I can't help being so fucking jealous I don't know what to do with myself.
But mostly I'm angry at myself because it's so unfair to Bree. For how much I'm genuinely happy for her and for how much I care about our friendship and love how close we are, I ended up snapping at her at least a couple of times in the last few hours. It's not right, there's absolutely no fucking reason for it to happen.
So I'm writing everything down, as a way to process it and hopefully pull my head out of my ass and be a better friend. The friend I would be if I wasn't such a dumbass and chose someone else to crush on.
.
.
.
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Bree, in the very unlikely eventuality you're reading this… I'm an idiot but I really really love you (as a friend) and value our friendship so so much. Much more than some stupid fake feelings. And I'll be the friend you deserve. Just give me a few days.