Chapter Text
The lights in the single room were dimmed just enough for one to be able to see without squinting their eyes. The windows that faced the Presidium were shuttered closed to keep its constant ‘daylight’ out. The space was completely quiet with the exception of soft, steady breathing and the occasional rustling of the bedsheets.
While lying on the bed with only a blanket covering him, Commander Marc Shepard felt at peace for the first time since the Reaper War began. Actually, if he was being honest with himself, this was the first time he felt truly relaxed since the events in the Bahak System. With these events and everything else that occurred in his life, Shepard felt as though his mind was in a constant turmoil. He found himself working more than it was necessary because it was the only way he could bury the unpleasant memories. When sleep came to him, they were usually filled with nightmares of either the dead whispering his name within a dark forest, or times in his past he wished stayed completely gone and forgotten.
If it weren’t for his crew – his family – and especially the woman he fell in love with, he likely would’ve gone insane by this point.
But here in this room - even though he knew that it was only temporary - the turmoil in his mind was quelled. He only hoped that, if he did fall asleep, the nightmares would not come for him tonight.
After turning his head and leaning the left side of his face against the cool pillow, Shepard’s eyes found Miranda. Asleep, she was turned onto her side and facing him with her arms bent and resting in front of her on the bed they shared. His heart skipped a beat upon seeing her face - relaxed, serene, tranquil…
Beautiful.
Shepard was worried about Miranda’s well-being when the Reapers hit back in Vancouver. He was unsure of her whereabouts until a week later when he finally heard from her and they met up here on the Citadel. After confirming that nothing has changed between them, he wanted nothing more than to sweep her off her feet, carry her back onto the Normandy and into his cabin, and show her just how much he missed her. That was when she dropped the bomb - her sister Oriana had gone missing.
It was the reason she couldn’t come back with him onto the Normandy. Shepard offered to help her, but Miranda assured him that this was a problem she needed to deal with on her own. Besides, she had assassins after her. The last thing she wanted was to draw them to him. The Commander hated it, but he accepted that this was how it had to be.
It was over a month later when they spoke again not long after Cerberus’s coup via holo-communications. The conversation wasn’t long - mainly it was for Miranda to update Shepard on her status. When the call ended, he had stood there with his hands tightly clutching onto the railing. He wanted nothing more than to say ‘to hell with is’ and help her out, but he had a war to fight. Far too many people were counting on him.
Tonight was different. Although she initially invited him to her hotel room to ask for Alliance files (which he promised to give her access), he managed to convince her - more easily than he imagined - to share tonight with him. They were both close to finishing their respective objectives with him receiving recent information that could help complete the Crucible, and with her most likely finding out where Oriana was located. They both needed this night.
Their lovemaking had been just as he remembered it – the moments she took control and the complete trust he had in her, the way her breath would hitch each time he kissed and touched her, and the way they clung on to each other as they reached their climax which was followed by their afterglow where they simply just closely held each other.
Oh how much he missed her…
Slowly, he reached a hand out to gently brush his fingers over her raven hair before he slowly tucked the strands behind her ear. He then leaned forward to press a soft kiss to her forehead and, in her sleep, she responded with a soft sigh as one arm gently wrapped around his waist. She moved closer until she buried her face into his neck and he could feel the warmth of her breath on his collarbone.
He kissed her again, this time on the crown of her head as his hand moved to wrap around her upper back. From there, he closed his eyes and breathed in the subtle scent of lilac and earth. It all reminded him again that, for once, he was truly at peace.
Hours later, in the darkness, a strange foreboding feeling washed over him as Shepard opened his eyes. Upon feeling an ache in his legs from lack of movement, he stretched them out while he turned onto his back. At the same time, he reached his left hand out.
For a moment, he was confused to find Miranda's side of the bed empty. Upon opening his eyes more, he found her sitting up. Her naked back was towards him, and her side of the sheets pooled around her waist. He noted how her arms were bent at the elbows, and her forearms were curved up towards her neck. He soon noticed that both of her hands covered her face.
And then the Commander heard it - the soft, muffled sound of a sob she tried to conceal in an attempt to not draw attention to herself. In all the time Shepard had known Miranda, this was the first time he was seeing her shed tears. He saw her come close a few times before – after she introduced herself to Oriana for the first time, her worries over what could happen to him if the mission failed, after they survived the Omega-4 relay, and the night before he turned himself over to the Alliance. He never doubted her strength, but if there was anything he learned in this life - especially in this war - everyone had their breaking point. It broke his heart to see her like this, and he could only wonder what kind of thoughts there were in her head that managed to bring tears to her eyes.
Shepard reached a hand out to Miranda, and his fingers grazed up along the smooth curve of her back. “Hey…” he whispered as he sat up to join her side. “What’s wrong?”
Miranda took a deep breath as she wiped her face with her hands. “Damn it. Sorry, I… I didn’t mean to wake you…” She tried to sound nonchalant about it, but it wasn’t hard to miss the subtle waiver in her words. She quickly sniffed as he wrapped one arm around her waist while he lifted his free hand to rest on the left side of her face. Gently, he pulled her to him until the right side of her head was resting on his left shoulder. Meanwhile, the hand on her face brushed away the tears that stained her cheeks.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Shepard murmured in assurance. “I know it must be frustrating with everything that’s happened with Oriana.”
To his surprise, Miranda quickly shook her head. “It’s not about my sister, believe it or not. I’m fully focused on finding her. It’ll be fine. It’s…” A small sobbed escaped her throat and he felt her take some deep, shuddered breaths in order to get her emotions under control. “It’s… God, this is harder than I thought it would be…”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want,” Shepard repeated gently. He of all people understood not wanting to talk when he was upset. The last thing he wanted to do was push Miranda to say anything when she didn’t want to. The fact that she was crying while she tried not to wake him up was an indicator that whatever was bothering her, she was not ready to share it with him.
“I know, and I appreciate it, but…” Miranda started as she pulled her head away. She slowly inhaled as she tilted her face up towards the ceiling. “I… I have to talk about this. I have to know… before we part again, I need to know…” She trailed off as she found herself clearly unsure of what else to say.
Shepard started to have a feeling over what she might be thinking. “Is this about what could happen to us in this war… or after?”
The ex-Cerberus operative spoke her next words quietly but calmly. “I have confidence that you’ll pull this off. I know that your chances of… making to the other side of the war ars slim. I know you can’t make a promise that you’ll come back alive. It hurts to say and, damn it, I wish there was a way for you to make that promise, but I know that’s asking for too much.”
Shepard nodded at that, unsure of what to say. He let her continue as she took another breath. “But that’s not what I’m upset about.”
Confusion came over him and he tilted his head a bit. “What do you mean?”
“You said it yourself before,” Miranda said with a shrug. “If you make it through this, you eventually want to retire as a soldier and focus on tech work, settle down, and create a new future for yourself…” She turned until her back was to him. The ex-operative refused to let him to see the fresh tears that sprang from her eyes. “I… I don’t know if I can provide you with the future you want.”
Shepard brushed a gentle hand up her back again. “Miranda, that’s not the way it should work. If we were to have a future together, it shouldn’t be all about what one of us wants. It should be about what we both want. And if we happen to want different things, it’s our duty to try to work it out the best we can.”
Miranda had to smile at that statement. “Yeah… you’re right. I should’ve known better, especially with you.”
Shepard had to ask the next question. “What do you think you can’t provide for the future?”
Miranda slowly inhaled, and her body shuddered. Shepard let her take her time to answer. He realized what whatever was on her mind, she was having difficulty voicing it. He knew talking about her insecurities alone wasn’t easy, so he remained silent. His hand on her back move to her left shoulder and the Commander gave a gently squeeze. He hoped the small gesture would give her the confidence to speak.
Then she said it. “Do you want children someday?”
The Commander tilted his head at the question. He couldn’t remember the last time he thought about the idea of having his own family, let alone the one thing he actually wanted to do (something he never told anyone before) once he retired as a soldier. “I… well… it’s been a while since I thought about it, not with the way my life has been.” He gave it another brief thought over it before he slightly shrugged. “I guess it could be a possibility once my life isn’t so crazy anymore. Needless to say, I’m in no rush.”
He expected Miranda to reply, but was surprised when he noted how still she went underneath his hands. He also could feel her hold her breath for a moment before he inhaled deeply and slightly bowed her head. “I see…”
Somehow, with those two words and her subtle movements, the reason she asked him this clicked in his head. Once again, Shepard felt his heart break for Miranda. This was something she clearly wanted, but nature wouldn’t let her have. Worse, the ex-operative believed that she couldn’t make him happy because of this one flaw that was in any way her fault.
“Miranda,” he whispered. “I… don’t mean to be blunt, but… I’m guessing that you can’t-”
“Have a child of my own?” she finished dryly. “Turns out I’ve developed a benign neoplasm and it’s caused… enough damage.” Her next words came out bitter. “I’m sorry. Turns out I’m not as perfect-”
“Stop right there,” Shepard spoke firmly, his voice only raised just enough to get her attention. He noticed her turning her head slightly towards him, but not enough for him to see her face. He reached his hand once more to brush his fingers against her cheek and wipe away the fresh tears.
“Miranda,” he started again. “I’m pretty sure I told you before that I was an orphan.”
That caused Miranda to knit her eyebrows as she tried to figure out what he was getting at. “What does you being an orphan have to do with anything?”
Shepard couldn’t help the small smile that crept upon his face. “I… I guess now would be a good time to lend you in on a secret.”
It was Miranda’s turn to smile, though it was subtle. “And here I thought I knew all of your secrets.”
The Commander let out a small but breathless laugh. “Well… I figured I should keep a few to myself and reveal them overtime. You know... give you some nice surprises every once in a while.” She turned her head and gave him a bemused glare. That made him chuckle again as he brushed a finger along her jawline. “Okay, that was a lie. At least I made you smile again.” He ended that sentence with a gentle kiss to her temple.
“You always knew how,” Miranda reminded him as she leaned herself back into him. From there, he adjusted himself and leaned back against the bed’s headboard so she could settle in close next to him. She then turned so that the side of her head was resting on his left shoulder again. Her own hand reached up to rest atop of the middle of his chest and over his heart. “So… tell me this little secret of yours.”
Shepard sighed as he wrapped his left arm around her, his hand resting on her hip. “When I was living on the streets, the only thing I really wanted was to be in a home - to be in a warm, safe place with someone who would care for me and love me the way m-… parents should. I… never got that. Instead, I spent years struggling just to stay alive in a hard, dirty city with no one to turn to. I was forced to join a gang and rely on criminals because, until I was old enough to join the Alliance, it was my only means of survival.”
The Commander reached his free hand up to let it rest over her hand - the one that was touching his chest. His fingers absentmindedly brushed over the soft skin in small, gentle circles. “I know I’m not the only one who’s been through that kind of hell,” he continued. “So… when this war is over, and I have my life in order, I was leaning towards maybe adopting a child or two.”
Miranda gazed up at him. “That’s… I never imagined… I mean… I should’ve guessed, but-”
“It’s all right,” he assured her. He followed his words with a kiss to the top of her head. “Honestly, I’ve never talked about this to anyone until now. Perhaps it’s because they’ve been too many times in my life where the possibility was very uncertain. So it’s better for me to not think about.”
Miranda moved her hand to wrap her arm around her lover’s waist. “And here I thought you’d want…”
“That’d I’d want my own children?” Shepard guessed. He felt Miranda nod on his shoulder. “I mean, I guess it’d be nice to have one of my own, but I’ve long figured, well… if it happens, it happens. If not, well… it’s not meant to be.”
Miranda sighed. “You make it all sound so simple…”
“Maybe… but just know that I’ve always been sure about this. And Miranda…” Shepard reached his hand up to catch her chin before he tipped her head back a bit so that he could gaze into her eyes. “In case it needs to be said, none of this changes anything between us. And don’t ever think that just because you can’t conceive that it makes you less of a woman.”
Miranda remained quiet after that, her lips parted in awe. Even in the darkness of their room, Shepard could see her cerulean eyes glistening. He gave her a warm smile as his way of assuring her that he meant every word. Her hand on his chest moved to embrace him and she buried her head underneath his chin. His free hand moved around her back and he pulled her closer to him.
“I don’t deserve you…” she uttered. The ex-operative cursed herself in her mind for being so damn emotional tonight.
Shepard grimaced over that. “Why?” he questioned with worry.
Miranda gave him a sad smile. “Let’s face it - when we first met I was pretty… severe to say the least. I’m well aware of how much of an 'ice queen’ I was, especially when we first met, but, well… I’ve already explained that to you before.”
Her hand stretched out to rest on his cheek, his face smooth and freshly shaved underneath her fingers. “But no matter how cold I was to you, you were always so good to me even though you had every right, as my Commander, to tell me I was out of line. It’s almost strange. You’re as strong and capable and, at times, downright frightening on the battlefield as any other soldier.”
Miranda lifted her head to stare down at Shepard. Her eyes never left his. “And yet… here you are - so kind, patient, gentle, and understanding. At times like this, it’s so hard to imagine the life you lived. And sometimes, I feel like you deserve-”
Shepard cupped his fingers around her chin again, which stopped her from finishing her thoughts. “Miranda, I said it once before and I’ll say it again. Things are never going to be easy for us… but I’ll always want you in my life. I know it’s easier said than done… but as long as we have each other, and we’re both happy, that’s all that matters.”
There was a brief moment of silence before Miranda smiled, small but warm. “You’re right… it won’t be easy… but I want to try. I know it'll be worth it.” She shook her head. “Dammit, I wish I could go with you, but…”
“I know…” the Commander murmured sadly. “But you know I understand. But maybe once Oriana is safe and Cerberus is taken care of…”
“Maybe,” Miranda whispered. She leaned down to capture his lips with her own. He returned it with more fervor. The hand that cupped her chin moved behind her head, and his fingers carded through her silky raven locks. She moaned into his mouth in response before she began to shift herself until she was on top of him and straddling his hips. Her hands moved to caress each side of his face. One of his hands remained in her hair while the other slowly caressed up and down the soft, smooth curve of her back. She responded by arching forward, and her body pressed closer to him.
Miranda broke the kiss to stare into his eyes again. Her warm breath brushed over his lips as her next words came out in a tender whisper. “I love you.”
Hearing those words made Shepard’s heart leap with joy. He tried but failed to say those very words to her since before he was incarcerated. A part of him wasn’t sure if she felt the same, at least until this moment. It was another fear he could finally put aside.
Shepard smiled at her, the kind that reach his eyes - and one he was sure he hadn’t given in months. “I love you, too,” he whispered before he rose up to kiss her again eagerly and with hunger.
Later, after their lovemaking, Shepard didn’t get much sleep for the remainder of the night. For once, he didn’t mind. It meant that the time they had left before the war separated them once more would slow to a crawl. As his angel slept in his arms, Shepard's thoughts were filled with nothing more than the future he hoped to share with Miranda - and would spend the remainder of this war fighting for.