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The last few weeks have been really tough.
Attending the literature club gave me an activity to look forward to after school, and spending my time with the girls was really enjoyable. Writing poems was a little tricky, but with the advice from each of them I ended up improving dramatically.
At first it went pretty well. Despite my initial apprehension about joining the club, I ended up enjoying my time there quite a bit.
Especially because I was able to spend more time with Sayori.
She has always been my friend. Even though I had somewhat forgotten her before joining the club, I never stopped considering her a part of my life.
I still remember that moment when we went to get materials for the festival.
The poor thing ended up hitting herself trying to find some crayons in the closet of one of the classrooms, and she got a bump because of it. I ended up getting her some cold juice to soothe the swelling.
As simple as it may sound, that little moment I shared with her reminded me of all the times when she got into trouble as a kid and I had to help her out of it.
We were really good friends.
And as the years went by we grew apart....
And that's what I regret the most in my life.
Maybe if I had always been there, everything could have ended well in the end. I could have done something to try to help her.
But instead, I pushed her away.
And that's why I never realized what was really going on with the girl.
When she confessed to me that weekend that she had been suffering from a very serious depression for many years, I could do nothing but feel guilty and hate myself.
All these years with her, and I was never able to pick up on any of the many signs.
I betrayed her as her best friend.
That day I talked to her, made her understand that she would no longer have to be alone with her pain. Let her know that I could be there for her.
But it didn't work.
When the day of the festival came, I hesitated long before I left the house.
I was supposed to bring the cupcakes that Natsuki made, but I didn't. My mind wasn't thinking about anything else but Sayori.
That's why instead of going to school I went to visit her home.
...I had never felt more anguish in my life than when I went into her room...
...
...
...
I saw Sayori, my childhood best friend, hanging from a rope.
Only instead of coming across what should have been her corpse, she was desperately holding her hands to her neck in an attempt to free herself.
I didn't quite know what to do at that moment, but it was very clear that I had to help her.
It all happened so fast that I don't remember how, but I managed to free Sayori while she was still alive.
Long minutes passed while I waited for the ambulance to arrive.
And it hurt like hell.
Because I spent all that time holding my friend, talking to her between sobs, imploring her to please not leave me.
Several times I thought she would leave this world. Her eyes were so glassy and gray, she almost looked like a corpse with such an empty look in her eyes.
Had it not been for the rise and fall of her chest and the soft beating of her heart, I would have thought she was dead.
I tried desperately to help her, but nothing I did seemed to help her stay in this world.
Everything I tried was useless.
Just as useless as I had always been.
All this I could have avoided if only I had been more patient with her. If I had always accompanied her to school, if I had never pushed her away from my life.
All of this could have been avoided if only I hadn't been so stupid as to push her aside.
...
...
...
In the end, she was able to survive.
The doctors told me it was practically a miracle that I found her when I did. Had I arrived a few minutes later she would no longer be with us.
But that did nothing to alleviate my guilt.
I really failed Sayori in the worst possible way. I may have been able to prevent her suicide, but is that really something to be happy about?
It's practically my fault that all of this happened in the first place. There's no way anything I do is going to be enough to make up for everything i did.
Or rather, what I didn't did.
That is why I am here now, standing in front of Sayori's hospital room.
I may not be able to change the past, but if I can do something in the present to help my friend then I have to try.
I owe it to her.
Opening the door somewhat hesitantly, I finally enter the room.
Lying on the bed is Sayori. She has several bandages around her neck, and is not wearing her trademark red ribbon.
Approaching slowly, I realize that she is sleeping peacefully. The gentle rise and fall of her chest matches her small breaths. Her expression is one of complete calm. It is almost as if no tragedy has ever occurred.
"She looks so peaceful..." I thought.
For a second I considered walking away and just letting her be. I would hate to wake her from her sleep just because I want to try to apologize for my actions.
But I decide to stay.
...I don't want to leave her alone again. Not after I almost lost her because of that same stupid decision.
I slowly approach one of the chairs located next to the gurney. Careful not to make any kind of noise that could wake the girl up.
Minutes pass and I just watch her sleep peacefully.
And I really prefer it that way. I want to be able to see her at all times. To make sure everything is okay and to be able to be there for her in case she needs help.
I don't want to abandon her again in the horrible way I did.
I hadn't thought about it before, but for Sayori that... It must have been terrible.
To see how your best friend of all your life, the person with whom you have shared so many moments, played so many times, laughed so many times, starts to push you away from his life for no real reason... It must be painful.
And that's why I don't intend to let it happen again.
I was too selfish and stupid to have done it once, so I don't plan to waste this opportunity. I don't care if I have to give up my own life in order to be by Sayori's side.
All I care about is seeing her alive. To make sure that her beautiful smile will never be erased from this world....
I end up snapping out of my thoughts the moment I start to hear some small moans coming from the girl. She seems to be waking up.
Eventually, she slowly starts to open her eyes, until she is finally able to look at me.
We were quiet for several minutes. I avert my gaze to the side, not feeling able to look the girl in the eye.
Not after all the pain I've caused her…
"...Why are you here?" Sayori's voice sounded so... raspy and hoarse, that for a few seconds I doubted that it was actually her speaking to me.
Taking a deep breath and mustering enough strength to return Sayori's gaze, I realize that her eyes... They don't have the same brightness as always. They are dull.
...It almost looks like she's dead.
I didn't answer her question. I just kept quiet thinking about my words.
There are so many things I want to say to her, but I am not able to vocalize any of them.
Seeing Sayori in a hospital bed, with bandages around her neck, and without her characteristic energy, only remind me that this is all my fault.
"I just had to be more patient and attentive with her, damn it!..." I gritted my teeth in frustration at the thought.
The minutes pass silently again. Sayori and I continue to stare at each other wordlessly.
Until she breaks the silence again. "...What are you doing here?" she asked me sadly.
"...I just wanted to see you" I managed to answer.
She didn't answer right away. She just looked at me sadly and her lips began to tremble.
"...Why are you doing this to me?" the girl whispered painfully.
"Sayori, I'm so sorry that... All this happened. That's why I want-"
"Why are you doing this to me!!!" the girl blurted out with tears peeking out of her eyes, her mouth forming a grimace of sadness.
I was just dumbfounded at Sayori's outburst. Never... I had never seen her explode at someone like that. Much less against me.
...Although after everything I've caused her, I can't blame her.
Taking a breath and running my hand through my hair, I begin "Listen, I know this is all my fault. And I'm truly sorry for everything I've caused you. But-"
"Shut up."
"H-Huh?" I gasped in surprise at the girl's interruption.
"...Why can't you understand that I don't want anyone to care about me?" the girl said now with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Can't you see that this is precisely what I didn't want?.... My existence only brings pain to others... That's why I tried to take that pain away from them..." That last she said in an almost inaudible whisper.
I... I was speechless.
I can't believe that she really still thinks that way after everything that has happened. She said the exact same thing to me the day I found out about her depression.
...At that time I just told her to trust me. That I know what is best for her.....
And look where that got us.
This time I can't afford to make the same mistake.
"...What makes you think you only cause pain?" I asked looking her straight in the eyes.
"What's happening right now..." Said the girl between sobs "I tried to kill myself because I knew you would feel guilty for never noticing my depression. And even that I couldn't get right..."
It really hurts me to see her talk about throwing her life away so easily, but I have to put up with it if what I want to do is help her.
"...It would have hurt me more if you had died." I said with a frown of concern.
"You lie...Everything would be better if I had never existed in the first place..."
"Sayori, why do you think I was able to find you alive?"
She didn't answer me, only continued to sob as she bowed her head.
I decide to continue "...It was because I decided to go see you that morning. I really cared about you after everything you told me."
"...I told you I didn't want you to waste your time worrying about me..." She murmured painfully.
I shook my head in denial at her response. "Don't say that, please" I looked at her with my eyebrows tilted in sadness "Sayori, I know you think that you don't deserve anyone to worry about you because that would be a waste of everyone else's time, but I want you to know that's not true" I tried to sound reassuring.
She didn't answer me. She stayed quiet still with tears welling up in her eyes.
"...I'm sorry for everything" I finally said.
"H-Huh?" Sayori finally looked at me, a confused expression on her face.
"...Forgive me for never taking the trouble to try to help you, Sayori." I ducked my head in sadness "All these years we've spent together, and I never realized what a terrible battle you waged day by day. And what did I do? I pushed you away from my life little by little when what you needed most was a friend..."
I shook my head repeatedly and then returned my gaze to the girl "But I promise that won't happen again." I said with determination "I don't care if you say that's a waste of time. All I care about is spending my time with you, to make sure you never go through such a huge pain all by yourself again."
She just averted her gaze to the side, and began to squeeze the blanket on the gurney tightly.
Her crying only got worse with each passing second.
"...Why are you doing this?" the girl said in tears without looking at me "The only thing I have caused you is pain. I deserve to be abandoned for the rest of your life..."
...
...
...
...I can't take this anymore.
I get up from the chair and take a seat on the edge of the gurney. Sayori looks at me quizzically for a few seconds, but before she can say anything I wrap my arms around her in a hug.
I didn't say anything. I just stood there hugging her for several minutes. Trying to somehow get all my thoughts and feelings expressed in that gesture.
"...Stop it, you make me feel selfish..." I heard the girl whisper.
Then I placed one of my hands on her head, and gently pulled her even closer to me.
"...Then let me be selfish too. I want to care and take care of you, and that's what I'm going to do" I whispered softly in her ear.
After my words, Sayori began to slowly reciprocate the embrace. Her grip at first was shaky and weak, but as the seconds passed she began to get stronger and stronger, to the point where I could feel her clinging to me as if her life depended on it.
"...Your hugs are warm and so are your words... And that terrifies me so much..." Said the girl in a sob.
I began to gently caress her head while hugging her a little tighter.
"I know it's scary... And to be honest I'm terrified too. But if fear is something I have to overcome to see you smile one more time, then I'm more than willing to go through it" I said softly.
A waterfall of tears began to emanate from the girl's eyes as she placed her head on my shoulders. Her cries being the only audible sound in the room.
I just continued to gently stroke her hair as I let her vent. After everything that has happened, it's what she needs.
As the minutes pass her crying slowly begins to subside, I can still hear it, but it's not as loud as before.
"...Why are you so nice to me?" the girl asked still on my shoulder.
I pull away a little so I can look her straight in the eyes, and start gently wiping the tears from her eyes.
"...Because you are very important to me" I replied. "I have already allowed you to go through too much pain all by yourself. So please allow me to accompany you on your journey from now on. I want to be there for you and make sure those rainclouds don't fill your mind with bad thoughts again" I threw her a reassuring smile.
"...You're important to me too" Sayori replied sadly. "...That's why I don't want you to-"
I interrupted her by placing my finger on her lips, and then stuck my forehead with hers while wrapping my arms around her even more.
"...Knowing that I'm important to you too is more than enough." I said staring into her beautiful eyes. "...Please Sayori, let me be the ray of light that penetrates through all the darkness you bring upon yourself" I smiled reassuringly at her.
The girl's eyes became watery again, and in a matter of seconds she had already started to shed tears like rain. Only this time she lay down on my chest.
I stroked her hair while cooing to soothe her. I feel that this is the best I can do now.
After several minutes of Sayori crying, she looked up shyly to meet my eyes.
"...I want to spend my time with you too..." She whispered.
In a bold move on my part, I placed a gentle kiss on the girl's forehead, snuggling her even more in my arms.
"...Just promise me that you will smile again" I whispered to her.
Sayori didn't answer me, she just stared at me with a hurt expression for several seconds.
I thought I had ruined everything by having done that, but my worries went away when the girl's face slowly changed to a softer expression.
And I finally saw it.
Her lips lifted slightly into a small smile, but I don't care about that. Seeing her smile... That's all I want.
She buried her head in my chest again as another few tears began to flow.
"...I love you."
"...I love you too Sayori."
It's been a long time since I did nothing in the face of everything that was happening to her. No more standing idly by and waiting for everything to be alright.
From now on, I'm going to be that pillar she needed for so long.
After all... No matter how much it rains, the warm sun will always come out at the end of the day…