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Specs doesn’t understand why life has to be so cruel, and he sure as fuck doesn’t understand why people have to die.
It’s only been, what, four days? But to him, it’s felt like a lifetime since Elise’s passing. He feels so numb, like he’s living in a dream. But it’s reality, and he fucking hates it. As much as he wants to get back to business, he just can’t.
Ironically, he feels he’s become a ghost himself.
Tucker’s words aren’t particularly helpful, either, but he can tell the other man is trying. They’re in the same boat here, but it’s still different. It’s clear Specs is fucked. He can’t exactly vent to anyone about this, and it’s not like Tucker needs to hear more about Specs’ family, anyway. He’d rather the extent of it stay buried with Elise.
He’s sprawled out on his bed, staring at his ceiling. He can hear Tucker, who had invited himself to stay with Specs despite his protests, in the kitchen. He’s not sure what the other man is doing, but he doesn’t fucking care right now.
His eyes sting, but if he closes them they burn. His glasses are smudged and dirty, but he can’t be bothered to clean them right now. He hasn’t bothered to get dressed in two days, and his stomach is moaning with hunger, begging for anything Specs could possibly get his hands on.
He knows he’s a mess, and it clashes with who he actually is, but he can’t help it. It feels like he really lost a family member, even though she wasn’t at all related by blood.
Despite the searing sharpness, he squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t know what time it is. He doesn’t remember what day it is. It’s all blurred together to him.
The apartment falls silent, and there’s no faint sound of movement either. What normally would have spooked Specs into making sure Tucker hadn’t somehow dropped dead with no warning meant nothing to him at the moment.
But that’s when the phone begins to ring.
He groans, and tries to cover his head with his pillow. He doesn’t want to be bothered right now.
Tucker’s head peeks into the doorway, and Specs looks at him. There’s bags under his eyes, and his beard seems more unkempt than normal. He’s holding the phone in his hand, and gripping the door frame with his other.
“It’s for you.” He says simply, with no real emotion to it.
Specs groans. “Tell them I’m out of town.” He mumbles, but Tucker’s eyebrows furrow. “Can’t.” He shrugs, and tosses Specs the phone. He catches it with ease, and presses the answer button. Whatever, he’s a big boy and he can handle a call. He sits up, and stretches.
“Hello?” He hesitantly whispers into the phone, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
“Steven? Thank god you’re alive!”
Shit. He definitely wasn’t expecting a call from his older brother. Actually, he hasn’t called his brothers in a while. He definitely feels guilty now, hearing the relief in his brother’s voice.
“David? What’s up?” Specs asks, trying to pretend that everything is totally fine and he totally hasn’t been crying.
“Are you okay, man?” David asks, and Specs is surprised at how blunt it is. David’s never been a straight to the point guy, he’d talk your ear off before getting anywhere close to what he wanted to talk about.
So he has every right to assume something’s up.
“Yeah. Is something wrong?” He lies, but he’s not sure if it’s to his brother or to himself.
There’s a beat of silence on David’s end, and Specs finds himself overthinking.
“Is there? I woke up feeling like I had to check on you. Like something was wrong, yanno?”
Specs does understand. He remembers feeling that a few years ago, when Adam had been shot and left for dead in a dingy bathroom. He’d called David in a panic, and within hours he was on a flight back home. He had felt horrible the entire time, but Adam had pulled through.
“Yeah, I get it.” Specs says, chewing his bottom lip in thought.
Should he tell David about what happened?
He supposes it’d be better if he just told someone. It isn’t healthy for him to bottle it up, he knows.
“Actually, yeah. Something’s up.” He’s trying to sound nonchalant, but he’s very clearly failing. David probably can hear how weak he sounds. He doesn’t want to sound like it, but he’s accepting that’s just how it’s going to be.
“What?” David’s voice sounds gently, and Specs feels the sensation of a hand on his back, even though nobody’s there. He can feel it as a sensation of coldness inexplicably erupts down his spine, and he finds himself shivering.
Specs can feel the tears threaten to spill, so he swallows hard before speaking again.
“She’s dead, Dave.” Is all he can muster, sniffing a tear back before it can fall down his already wet cheek.
There’s silence on the other end, and Specs can tell his older brother is digesting the information. David and Adam knew about Elise and Tucker, of course. How could they not, when Specs wouldn’t shut up about them sometimes?
A few minutes pass, and Specs’ eyebrow raises.
“Dave? Are you there?” He asks, and he hears a weird noise on the other end.
“Yeah, I’m here. Was just looking at flights over there.” David replies nonchalantly, and Specs can feel the hairs on the back of his neck slowly rise.
“David, you really don’t need to do that. I’m coping just fine.” It’s a blatant lie, but it’s not like David can see him through the phone. David doesn’t need to know.
“But, you told me she-” David starts, but Specs cuts him off. “David. It’s fine. " He says through gritted teeth, feeling guilt immediately afterwards. “Really.” His voice comes out weak and defeated. The facade is up.
“If you say so, little brother.” David says, and Specs can hear that he isn’t convinced with just the tone of his voice. But he can also tell David’s not entirely thrown off the idea of coming to visit.
There’s another beat of silence, and Specs feels.. He’s not actually sure what he’s feeling.
“Do you want to talk?” David offers, and Specs feels a tear trickle down his cheek. On one hand, it feels like it’s suffocating to talk about, but on the other he knows he has to face the reality of the situation.
So, he tells David everything.
He can feel his chest constrict as he talks, and it hurts. But it also feels freeing, and he can’t help but feel a little proud of himself. It’s progress.
After everything he had to say is in the open, David hums.
“Steven, I’m so sorry. I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better, but I genuinely do think she’s with you in spirit. I’m sure she’s proud of you.”
He’s not sure why that’s what causes him to spiral over the edge and just start sobbing like it’s going out of style. It’s one of the last things she’d told him that hadn’t been business related. That she was proud he’d managed to come out of his shell and talk to her.
She really had been like the mother he’d never had.
Specs’ actual mother had always been distant. She’d barely ever have time for him or his brothers. She was so closed off that Specs felt like he was living with a stranger, not his mother. Growing up, he had gravitated towards his brothers because of how his parents only seemed to be in his life when he accomplished something.
When he’d moved away to attend college, he had felt something lift off his shoulders. He hated the idea of leaving his brothers, but he just couldn’t be in the same house as his parents anymore.
Then, he’d met Elise, and things clicked into place for him. He’d found it easy to vent his frustrations with his parents to her, and he found it was easy to approach her about anything he could think of. He’d originally thought of her as the missing maternal figure he’d desperately been searching for his entire life. It hadn’t been too long before he began considering her his mother. Or, at the least, a surrogate mother.
“Steven?”
He’s violently tugged out of his thoughts by the sound of David’s voice. “Sorry, I was thinking. What did you say?” Specs asks, taking his glasses and cleaning them with his shirt.
“Steven, do you want me and Adam to come visit for a couple days? I know I can’t take away the pain, no matter how badly I want to but…” David takes a deep breath. “I can help take your mind off it. What say, little brother?”
Specs slips his glasses back on, and pushes them up the bridge of his nose.
“Sure. I could use that.” He admits. He knows it won’t fix anything, but he’s missed his older brothers.
“Great! See you soon, Steven.” David says, and he’s hung up before Specs can add anything else.
He lays back down, and pulls the pillow over his face. He hears footsteps enter the room, and he feels the bed sink as Tucker sits down. There’s a palpable silence before Tucker speaks up.
“Who called?” He asks, voice laced with curiosity. Specs makes an attempt to shrug. “My brothers. They’re gonna fly in to visit soon.” He says, and he can hear Tucker make a noise.
“So I’m gonna get to meet those brothers you talk about so often?” He asks, and Specs can tell he’s trying to be playful.
He lifts the pillow and meets Tucker’s gaze.
“You better believe it. You’re gonna love ‘em.” He says, sitting up. Before he can say anything else, Tucker’s arms are around him and squeezing the air out of his lungs.
Specs just lets himself melt into Tucker’s hug.
He knows both of them just lost their mother, and it’s not gonna be an easy road to recovery.
But at least they have each other.