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Being an idol was hard, that’s no big news. The packed schedules, the rules they have to follow, practices until dawn, rude composers, authorised men, diets, anti-fans, solo-fans, sometimes even fans are a handful. Nayeon would’ve loved to say that she adores every single one of her fans, but that would be a lie as there are those fans who are batshit crazy, in lack of better words. Fans who stalk her, fans who stalk other members, fans who go on a rage when they find out that the girls are dating because they’re supposed to be lawful to the fans. Batshit crazy.
What Nayeon hated the most about being an idol, was dating. Not the fans reaction concerning their dating lives. Nor the fact that there are people out there who only want to date her because of her fame. She hated dating because she couldn’t get any real dates. She got asked out on a daily, by fans and by strangers, but everyone knew that it was all fake. None of them actually wanted to go on a date with her. Nayeon knew from a gross amount of experience that as soon as she mentions her career, her dates run out with their legs on their back. It’s like the name ‘Twice’ puts fire to their butts.
But she got it. She wouldn’t want to date someone who gets recognised everywhere. Someone who has people following them around everywhere. Someone with millions of fans that think the idol is theirs. She couldn’t blame her dates.
And on those rare occasions when she finally found someone who doesn’t run away, it turns out they only wanted her for her body, and not actually because they wanted to be with her. She couldn’t blame them either, she does have a good body. She just wished they’d told her their intentions before she followed them home.
Some idols got lucky enough to find someone who wanted them for them, and not for their fame nor their body. Nayeon envied them. Some idols slept around to cope. Nayeon had tried it, but it wasn’t her thing. And it felt too dangerous sometimes. Just one slip of her lips to the wrong ears, and her career could be over.
Nayeon kept a logbook. A real one, with dates and rates and facts. Around seven years after their debut, she had gone on sixty-eight dates. Half of them she’d met more than once. Three of them she’d been in a relationship with for more than a month.
She’d followed twenty-three of them home. Three had followed her home, on rare occasions when the members, or nowadays Momo, weren’t home.
Nine of them were women she’d met through Yeri. Seven were men Jihyo, Momo and Sana sent her way when they weren’t available or interested. A few were fellow idols she’d met at music shows, most from notes buried within two pieces of bread. Chaeyoung occasionally set her up with people, and Mina had even presented a fair share of people. One was a man who’d asked Jeongyeon out, but the idol had panicked and given him Nayeon’s number instead of her own, so Nayeon ended up in his bed in the end. Most of them were random people at bars or clubs, or even in stores and coffee shops.
Her friends thought they were doing her a favour by setting her up with people they knew. And it’s not like Nayeon hadn’t complained about being so lonely and miserable. She couldn’t be mad at them for trying to make her happy. But she was tired of going on meaningless dates with meaningless people.
No matter who she met, it didn’t feel right. It had never felt right. Not even with the people she’d been in long term relationships with. Fact is, most of them ended because Nayeon realised she couldn’t act like she was feeling something for them, when she really wasn’t.
She couldn’t understand what was wrong with her. It wasn’t like she didn’t want it. She wanted to be held, touched and loved. She wanted to be the most important person to someone. And she wanted someone she could plan a future with.
Her mother had pestered her since she was twenty-four. “Isn’t it about time you find a steady partner?” “You should settle down soon.” “You know Hyewon from kindergarten? She got married last year. I hear she’s already pregnant.” “You’re twenty-six. Soon, you won’t be able to give me grandkids anymore.” “When will you give me grandkids, Nayeon?” Ah, how wonderful it was to be the oldest child.
Her own mother had her when she was twenty-two, and her grandmother was even earlier, at nineteen. She was twenty-six like her mother said, it wasn’t like she was getting any younger. But step one would be to find a partner, and well, Nayeon hadn’t done too well on that compartment either.
Luckily, she wasn’t the only one of her members who was single. Dahyun, Mina, Chaeyoung, her and Jeongyeon spent valentine’s day together every year, instead of spending it alone in front of some shitty Netflix movie, crying into a box of ice cream. Except that one year, when Chaeyoung was out and Mina didn’t leave her room, no matter how much they tried to lure her with snacks and games. Jeongyeon and Dahyun had given up when Nayeon decided to give it one last shot. She opened the door to find Mina buried under her cover. She didn’t even move when Nayeon sat down beside her. But when Nayeon heard sniffling and patted the younger woman’s leg, Mina moved into her arm and let herself be held. The oldest member didn’t share that with anyone. Not even Jeongyeon.
That was valentine’s day two years ago. Chaeyoung didn’t go out again. Nayeon heard from Jihyo that Chaeyoung had slept at their apartment that night. The leader and the oldest had given each other a goofy look, but not talked about it any further. Whatever happened between Mina and Chaeyoung was their story to tell.
Since it was February 14th again, Nayeon had invited the singles to her own apartment. They usually spent it at Jihyo and Mina’s place, but Jihyo had informed them very firmly that they weren’t allowed even on the same floor that entire day. In fact, Mina was told she couldn’t come home until February 16th, just in case.
The oldest member was out buying groceries when she received a text from Jeongyeon.
‘Seungyeon is joining us, that’s ok right?’
Seungyeon, Jeongyeon’s older and, if Nayeon was allowed to mention, very attractive sister. Of course, there was that unwritten rule that your best friend’s siblings are off-limit. But that didn’t stop Nayeon from looking.
The idol tapped a quick ‘ofc’ and continued putting down ramen into her cart.
Hours later she found herself dressed in sweats and her huge glasses with a bag of chips in her hand, as she watched Momo brush mascara through her eyelashes.
The latter was dressed in a black dress that hugged her body amazingly, which Nayeon hadn’t forgotten to point out. Her hair was a mess like it always was minutes before she had to leave.
Nayeon ended up helping her brush it before she shoved Momo out the door. Not without saying ‘be safe’ and accompanying it with a wink.
She sighed as she closed the door. Tonight was that night of the year when the singles felt extra single. That applied to the singles of Twice as well.
Sana dated around. Every idol knew. If there was a hundred female idols in Korea, Sana had dated at least eighty of them. Jihyo, Momo and Tzuyu were all in long-term relationships and had been for months now. To say Nayeon was jealous was an understatement.
Nayeon wondered if it had with her sexuality to do. She’d heard of asexuals and aromantics through Chaeyoung. She knew for a fact that she wasn’t asexual. But maybe she was aromantic? That would explain why she never fell in love with anyone and why every single one of her relationships felt so shallow. However, she had been in love in the past, before she was a trainee.
And she wanted someone to love her. She wanted to love someone. Not in the way you love your friends or your dog. In the way that makes you dysfunctional without them. In the way where your heart physically hurts at the thought of upsetting them. In the way your body heats up when you think about them and your heart races when they’re near.
She wanted to come home late at night with a foolish grin on her face. She wanted her members to ask her what happened and how was is. She wanted to spend hours with her phone pressed against her ear, talking about nothing until Momo screams at her to hang up.
Nayeon wanted everything. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. She wanted everything with someone.
Maybe most of all she wanted to be touched in a way that would make her go crazy. She wanted someone to know her body better than she knew it herself. Someone who could draw her body with a blindfold. Every cranny and imperfection. Down to every particle.
Her own hand could only do so much.
She put her hair up in a messy bun as she walked to the kitchen to throw away the empty bag of chips. Then, she turned on the tv and logged into her and Momo’s shared Netflix account.
It was finally Chaeyoung’s year to choose a movie, and no one was surprised when she mentioned Timothée Chalamet as one of the lead actors. Little women was the movie she’d decided on. No one complained, as Dahyun made them watch a shitty documentary last year which literally any movie would beat.
The snacks were already in a bowl on the table. Chocolate, chips, cookies, rice crackers, more chocolate and a few cans of beer for everyone to swallow their sorrows.
The apartment door opened while Nayeon swiped through foreign movies on her tv.
“Hello,” Chaeyoung said in a high voice.
“We have arrived,” Dahyun declared. “And we brought chocolate!”
When the oldest member looked their way, she noticed that the two of them looked as bad as she did, which she was thankful for. Then she noticed the big bag Dahyun was carrying.
“I thought we decided we wouldn’t overdo it this year?” Nayeon asked while raising an eyebrow.
“I tried to stop her,” Chaeyoung flopped down on the couch and took the remote control from Nayeon’s hands.
“You can never have too much chocolate,” Dahyun shrugged.
Nayeon only grumbled as a reply.
Boo laid by her feet while Dobby was hidden away, most likely under Momo’s covers. She would have to go on a walk with them later, she reminded herself.
“Do you guys know when the others are coming?” Nayeon asked. She didn’t miss how Chaeyoung lowered her head. “Mina was basically kicked out, right? She didn’t come with you guys?”
“I talked to Jeong before going over here,” Dahyun started and put some chocolate into her mouth. “She said Seungyeon was annoying and that they had to park the car so they could fight, but they were parked ten minutes away when we talked, so they’re probably here soon.”
Nayeon raised her eyebrows. She was not as surprised as she was annoyed. Jeongyeon always had to fight with her sisters. And most often it wasn’t even about something important. Usually she was just her annoying self. She couldn’t blame Seungyeon for getting mad.
“And Mina…” Dahyun started and discreetly looked at Chaeyoung beside her, “she said she’d maybe join us later. She wouldn’t tell me why.”
The oldest woman clicked her tongue.
“Chaeng, what did you do?”
The maknae immediately raised her hands as if to protect herself from Nayeon’s glare. She dropped the remote on the ground and it made a click before the batteries rolled out on the floor.
“Why do you think I have something to do with it?” she asked with flushed cheeks. “Maybe she’s just not in the mood.”
While Dahyun started collecting the batteries on the floor, Nayeon scooted close enough to Chaeyoung that the youngest woman swallowed harshly.
“Last time Mina didn’t join us for valentines, you were the one to blame. I don’t care what you did that hurt her this time, but I don’t wanna fix your mess this year too. Go talk to her and don’t come back without her. Okay?”
Nayeon looked at her with that kind of authority in her eyes that no one else in the group had. She was the oldest member so she was the only one they all had to listen to. It became useful in situations like this.
Chaeyoung sighed before she angrily stood up.
“Don’t start without me,” she mumbled as she walked out the door.
However, the door didn’t close fully as Jeongyeon and Seungyeon entered. They looked at the young member confused, before they turned to Nayeon and Dahyun.
“What happened to her?” Jeongyeon asked as she threw her jacked on the pile of clothes the owners had by the door.
“Hello,” Seungyeon greeted with a slight bow.
Nayeon made sure to bow a little lower than the older woman, before she grabbed her jacked and hung it up on the rack.
“Something with Mina,” Nayeon answered Jeongyeon’s question.
“Are they not joining us?” Jeongyeon asked.
She walked past Nayeon, and the older woman could hear how she flopped down on her usual spot in the corner.
“Thank you for letting me join you guys,” Seungyeon smiled. “I had a date but he cancelled last minute.”
“No problem,” Nayeon smiled. “It’s only more fun now that you’re here.”
Seungyeon giggled a little before she nodded and walked into the living room.
The oldest member grabbed glasses from the kitchen before she joined the others. Dahyun was trying to make the remote work, tapping it against the couch and her own hand. Seungyeon was crouched down on the floor, petting Boo. Jeongyeon, just like Nayeon thought, had claimed her spot on the couch. Her head was tilted back as she threw chips into her mouth.
“I heard we’re watching something with him-“ Jeongyeon didn’t finish her sentence as she swallowed. “You know. The actor Chaengie likes.”
“Yeah if we can get the remote to work,” Dahyun mumbled, agitated.
“Here,” Seungyeon offered. “Let me try.”
Without thinking much about it, Nayeon sat down beside Jeongyeon. She pushed her legs up against her chest and rested her arm against her best friend’s.
“Did you and Momo have a pillow fight again?” Jeongyeon asked and mentioned towards the remote control.
Last time Nayeon and Momo declared war with a pillow each, a vase has dropped to the floor and their fire alarm fell from the roof. They’d had to call Jeongyeon over to help them put it back, and she hadn’t spared them a single teasing comment.
“No,” Nayeon scoffed annoyed. “That was all Chaeyoung. I just called her out for upsetting Mina.”
“You gotta stop invading other’s privacy,” Jeongyeon mumbled.
“Says you,” Nayeon rolled her eyes.
“There we go!” Seungyeon exclaimed as the remote finally worked.
She scrolled down the screen until she found the right movie, but didn’t click play yet.
“Anyone want soda?” Dahyun asked as she stood up.
They all raised a hand, making the youngest of the four grumble before she walked into the kitchen.
“What an ass to cancel on valentine’s day,” Nayeon turned to Seungyeon.
“Eh,” she shrugged. “It’s okay. We’ve only been on two dates before, and there weren’t really any butterflies.”
“Still…” Nayeon mumbled.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” the oldest Yoo-sister smiled.
Nayeon but her tongue before she met the other’s eyes.
Seungyeon was turning thirty in a few days. As far as Nayeon knew, she’d only had a low number of real boyfriends, excluding the man she’d gotten married to for that one reality show. Nayeon wondered if she was getting pestered as much as Nayeon was. They were both the oldest sibling, after all.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked carefully.
When Seungyeon nodded with a grin, Nayeon took a deep breath and scooted closer to Seungyeon, away from Jeongyeon.
“Are you stressed about finding someone?” she asked.
Seungyeon nodded immediately.
“For sure!” she said loudly. “My parents won’t stop talking about how they want more grandkids and how I’m getting too old to date around.”
The oldest Twice member got slightly relieved. At least she wasn’t the only one.
“Are you stressed?”
Out of pure instinct, she turned around to look at Jeongyeon, as a best friend does. She wanted to check her reaction, what she thought about the conversation.
But Jeongyeon didn’t meet her eyes. The younger woman was playing with her fingers in her lap, with an unreadable look on her face.
“Yeah,” Nayeon answered as she turned her head back around. “My mom won’t stop nagging.”
“You’re the oldest,” Seungyeon shook her head. “It’s just what we have to endure. Meanwhile they don’t say anything about Jeongyeon, even though she hasn’t even tried to find anyone.”
“Stop pulling me into your dating talk,” Jeongyeon said between her teeth. “You both know I don’t care about dating.”
“Remember that time you got asked out but you made me go on the date instead?” Nayeon asked as she laughed.
Seungyeon gasped.
“My little sister really did that?” she asked with widened eyes and a teasing tone.
“What?” Jeongyeon asked defensively. “It was a man at a bar, of course I didn’t want to date him!”
The older two laughed while Jeongyeon tried to hide her face in her hands. She rolled her eyes several times at both Nayeon and her sister, to get her point across.
“Was it a good date at least?” Seungyeon asked Nayeon.
“I mean…” Nayeon raised her eyes. “I did go home with him, but we didn’t meet again after that.”
“Then you got something out of it,” Seungyeon raised her own eyebrows.
Jeongyeon groaned behind Nayeon’s back.
“Can we not talk about this?” she asked with a flushed face.
“What?” Nayeon smiled teasingly as she turned around. “Are you getting jealous?”
“Aw,” Seungyeon joined her. “Is little Jeongie jealous?”
“Shut up,” Jeongyeon crossed her arms over her chest. “I just don’t want to talk about sex with my sister and my best friend, is that so weird?”
“Is my little sister sad she’s not getting any?” Seungyeon reached out to pinch her cheek, but Jeongyeon quickly shoved her hand away.
“Come here and I’ll give you a kiss to cheer you up”, Nayeon said and puckered her lips. Jeongyeon’s hand instantly went to her chest to push her away.
“Stop it!” she said and pushed for the life of her.
Seungyeon puckered her own lips in Jeongyeon’s direction and was met with Jeongyeon’s other hand on her shoulder. The youngest tried to wiggle her way out, but was instead pushed further back against the cushions. Nayeon and Seungyeon pampered her with kisses on her cheeks, before the two decided that Jeongyeon had suffered enough.
Breathless and annoyed, Jeongyeon crossed her arms and turned her back to them.
“I hate you both,” she said between her teeth.
Nayeon and Seungyeon only laughed.
Chaeyoung arrived some time later with an angry Mina behind her. Neither said a word as they sat down on opposite sides of the couch. Nayeon made a point to scold Chaeyoung some more after the movie.
With her legs resting against Jeongyeon’s, she pressed play and relaxed into the couch.
Little women was an American movie with Chaeyoung’s celebrity crush and the girl from Harry Potter. Hermoine. Harmonie. Hermainie. Whatever. The only thing that mattered was that it was a hundred times better than Dahyun’s documentary.
Nayeon found herself shivering an hour into the movie, but before she knew it, Jeongyeon put a blanket around the both of them. The older woman snuggled further into Jeongyeon’s side, putting her head on her best friend’s shoulder and an arm around her belly. Jeongyeon in turn put one hand on Nayeon’s leg and her other on the arm around her.
Chaeyoung had started commenting awhile back. ‘Did you notice this?’ ‘Pay attention to this.’ Stuff that would be annoying if they all didn’t know just how much Chaeyoung loved this movie and the actors in it. Dahyun, sometimes coupled with Seungyeon and Jeongyeon, asked her questions and answered her comments, which made Chaeyoung smile widely and even lower the volume of the movie so she could explain. Mina was the only one who seemed to mind it, as she kept her lips tight and her eyes on the screen.
When one particular scene played on the screen, something shifted in the room. Nayeon wondered if someone else felt it, or if she was the only one. She looked around quickly, but saw that everyone was fully invested in the movie.
It wasn’t an explicit scene at all. It was just a kiss. But it managed to make the room feel warmer, and Nayeon suddenly became hyperaware of Jeongyeon’s hand on her thigh.
The idol was no stranger to this feeling. And she knew it was only natural. However, she knew for a fact that it wasn’t natural to feel this way in the arms of your best friend.
But Jeongyeon’s warm hands suddenly became hotter. Her soft belly suddenly became softer. Her nice smell suddenly became nicer.
Nayeon looked up at her face to see if she noticed it too, but Jeongyeon was immersed in the movie like everyone else. While looking at her, Nayeon started moving her fingers slightly. Gently enough to not accidentally tickle the younger woman. Her fingers were brushing agains the fabric covering Jeongyeon’s waist, and Nayeon wondered how her skin felt underneath it. That was until she stopped herself from having those kinds of thoughts.
What’s wrong with her? Had it really been that long? According to her logbook, which Nayeon had studied in and out, the last person she went home with was after a party at Yeri’s friend’s house. And that party was held just before their world tour… in 2021. That’s over a year ago now…
She was pulled out of her thoughts when Jeongyeon squeezed her leg. It only made everything worse. It was getting so hot that Nayeon felt sweat form on her lower back and under her arms, and everyone knows that Im Nayeon doesn’t sweat.
She had forgotten that her fingers were playing with Jeongyeon’s shirt, until the younger woman gripped her arm and gently pulled her hand away. Confused, Nayeon looked up at her face, and saw how Jeongyeon’s cheeks were slightly more red than they had been before. Meanwhile, she felt Jeongyeon’s fingers intertwine with her own.
Unknowingly, with her eyes still set on her best friend’s face, Nayeon scooted even closer to the point where her chest met Jeongyeon’s shoulder while her legs fell down on top of Jeongyeon’s. It didn’t go unnoticed to the older woman how the other bit the inside of her cheek.
Nayeon’s breathing was heavy. The air was as difficult to push out of her lungs as it was to pull it into them.
Her eyes traveled from Jeongyeon’s wide eyes to her pink cheeks, down to her slightly opened lips, over her jawbone and down to her neck. How come every single part of her best friend had become so attractive?
It was only when she felt movement behind her that she was pulled out of her trancelike state. Mina had gotten up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. Nayeon figured she should escape while she still can.
She didn’t miss Jeongyeon’s wide eyes when she stood up, letting the blanket fall back over Jeongyeon’s body as she walked away from the group.
“Where are you going?” Dahyun asked.
“I’m gonna walk the dogs,” she said. “Mina, do you wanna come with?”
It wasn’t really a question. Nayeon figured Mina would understand that as she walked to the door without waiting for her reply. Mina came to the hallway with both Boo and Dobby by her side.
“Should we pause the movie?” Seungyeon asked from the living room.
“If you want to,” Nayeon said. “But you don’t have to. We’ll be quick.”
Nayeon borrowed Jeongyeon’s jacket as it was on top of the pile, figured her best friend wouldn’t mind. Then, the two women and the dogs left the apartment.
It wasn’t until they were outside that Nayeon felt like she could breathe properly.
Walking with Mina was nice. She didn’t talk much unless she was asked questions, leaving lots of room for Nayeon to just think. And she had a lot to think about after whatever that was in the apartment.
It seemed like Mina was thinking about a lot as well, as she furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head continuously.
Nayeon wasn’t going to ask her at first, as Mina had a huge amount of integrity and she only ever talked about her feelings with the Japanese members, Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung. But her curiosity got the best of her.
“What’s up?” she tried to sound like she hadn’t spent an entire minute thinking about how to start the conversation.
“It’s nothing,” Mina only mumbled.
“I know it’s not nothing,” Nayeon said. “I was the one who told Chaeyoung to go get you. I know there’s something going on between you two.”
Mina bit her lower lip.
“She told me,” Mina said. “She said you’d kill her if she came back without me.”
“And I would’ve,” Nayeon nodded. “I hate it when she hurts you like this.”
“She doesn’t understand what she’s doing,” Mina sighed. “At least that’s what I think.”
“But you’re her partner. Even a squirrel knows not to hurt their partner. Even if they stole their acorn or whatever. You know what I mean.”
Mina shook her head slowly.
“We’re not together.”
Nayeon stopped walking for a second.
“Oh?”
Anyone could see how in love the two were. From the first time they met the two were inseparable. Fans as well as other idols, staff and their own company knew that the two of them were a thing. But now all of a sudden Mina claims that they’re not?
“She’s been very clear about that…” the Japanese continued with a salty voice.
“Oh…”
Nayeon continued walking beside her.
“We’re a thing, obviously,” Mina lowered her head. “We’ve, you know, done most things a couple does. We’ve done it multiple times. We both have even confessed, but she’s…”
The older woman kept quiet to let Mina talk.
“She says that I’m her final person. You know, the person she’ll settle down with in the end. But she says we’re both too young to settle down right now and that she wants to explore before we become a real thing.”
What an ass, Nayeon thought in her head. There’s people out there longing for a lover, like herself, and here Son Chaeyoung says she can’t be with her lover because she wants to explore.
“This morning she told me she loves me and that she can’t wait to take me out on dates,” Mina continued. “So I asked her if we could go out today, but she just laughed it off as if I was stupid. Said I know why we can’t. I started an argument, she got mad, I got mad. You know how it is.”
When the Japanese woman sat down on the sidewalk, Nayeon did the same, despite there being some people walking around them. The dogs were smelling a pole nearby.
“I asked her if I’m not enough for her and if that is why she wants to explore, but then she got mad and said that we’ve already talked about it, that she thinks we’re too young and all that. I said that I don’t like it when she sees other people and I called her a bad word, then she said we should end everything and stormed out.”
Mina was crying by now. Her eyes were following the cars out on the street as tears dropped down into her hands.
Nayeon did whatever any older woman would, she wrapped an arm around Mina’s shoulders and let the younger woman cry into her neck. She didn’t care how much it tickled when the salty tears ran down and met her jacket.
“And I-“ Mina sobbed. “I love her too but I can’t live with the fact that she wants someone else to-“
The older woman drew circles over the other’s back.
“I don’t know if there’s me there’s something wrong with or-“
“No,” Nayeon cut her off. “No, Mina. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You can’t blame yourself for wanting her to only love you. It’s natural. Chaeyoung is at fault here. I wasn’t there of course, but it sounds like she’s being completely oblivious to what you’re feeling. It doesn’t seem like she listens to you.”
“She doesn’t understand. She’s young-“
“She’s young but she’s not a teenager anymore, Mina. She knows what she’s doing.”
Mina sat up straight and dried away the tears from her cheeks.
“I don’t know…” she muttered. “Sometimes I feel like she’s still seventeen. Like she’s stuck in our rookie days. It’s like she still has this picture of how everything is supposed to be.”
Nayeon felt her chest clenching at Mina’s words. She looked down at her hands, scoffed herself out in her head, before she looked up again.
“Chaeyoung has been told what to do, what not to do, how to act and so on, since she was a child,” Nayeon started. “And I’m definitely at fault there. She was so young when we debuted that me and Jihyo felt like we had to control her so she wouldn’t do any mistakes. We told her that she can’t act out of line. She has to have a plan. We were young too, Jihyo and I. Of course we would be wrong. But I didn’t understand how much that stuck with her.”
Mina furrowed her eyebrows.
“Look,” Nayeon said and grabbed her hands. “Chaeyoung doesn’t understand that everything doesn’t have to be the way she thought it would, or planned it to be.”
Slowly, Mina nodded.
“I obviously don’t know Chaeyoung’s thought process throughout this, and she might just as well be an ass who likes to play with people’s feelings, but I think there’s more to it than she tells you, maybe even more than she knows. Maybe you two should just try talking without accusing each other for anything.”
“But she’s already ended things,” Mina said quietly.
“Something tells me Chaeyoung has ended things many times before, right?”
With a blush, Mina nodded.
“And you’ve always gotten back to each other,” Nayeon squeezed her hand. “So what makes this time any different?”
“You’re right,” Mina nodded.
Nayeon squeezed her hand once more before she stood up from the cold ground. First now did she feel how much she was freezing. She could wait to go back to Jeongyeon’s arms.
Oh, right.
That.
The whole reason why she went outside in the first place.
Mina dried off her tears as the two walked back to the apartment. They walked in silence at first, before Mina decided to crack a joke.
“Younger women, huh?” she said smiling at Nayeon.
At first, the older woman just laughed and nodded. But that was before she realised what it implied. Younger women. Jeongyeon.
Nayeon’s face turned red. Had Mina seen that whole thing on the couch? Had everyone seen it? Why did Nayeon care so much if anyone had seen it? It’s not like anything happened. Nayeon had just been a little lightheaded. It’s not like that’s a crime.
But what was it about if not about the couch thing? Maybe Mina had seen the rumours? Well, of course she had. Everyone had seen the rumours. Even the company told Nayeon and Jeongyeon to do less skinship so no one would get the wrong idea. Had Mina believed the rumours? Had anyone else believed them?
“What do you mean?” Nayeon finally asked.
“You and Jeongyeon unnie,” Mina said with a raised eyebrow.
Nayeon stopped. She blinked several times, opened her mouth, and closed it again.
“No?” Mina asked slowly. “I just thought since… You know… Neither of you go on dates anymore and you…”
The older woman was too shocked to say anything. Mina must’ve noticed, as she lowered her head and muttered a quick ‘nevermind’ under her breath.
Nayeon and Jeongyeon? The two best friends who’d been at war since they met as teenagers? Nayeon and her? Out of everyone, why would Nayeon want her?
Sure, they had their moments. Like when Nayeon wrapped Jeongyeon in a hug because a fan asked her to. Or when Jeongyeon reached out for Nayeon’s hand on stage. When they joked about being married because their fans wanted them to. But it’s all for the fans.
Nayeon wasn’t in love with her best friend.
Of course Nayeon thought she was beautiful, sometimes. When Jeongyeon had her hair up or when she saw her in profile. When she wore blue outfits that matched her porcelain skin. And her eyes in the moonlight, when they were lighter than usual. Anyone would fall in love with those eyes. Anyone except Nayeon, of course.
And yeah, they were close sometimes even off camera. When they cried about a movie together. When they walked around holding hands just because. Or when Nayeon spent the night in Jeongyeon’s bed because her own sheets were dirty. But that’s just because they’ve been friends for such a long time.
Sometimes, Nayeon felt her heart racing when she was with Jeongyeon. Sometimes her body started to heat up when Nayeon thought about her. And whenever she’d made Jeongyeon upset, her heart physically hurt. And she feelt dysfunctional when she hadn’t met Jeongyeon for awhile. And- Oh my god.
Was she in love with her best friend?
“Unnie?” Mina asked. “Are you coming?”
Apparently they had reached the apartment while Nayeon was deep in thought. Mina, and the dogs, were already inside.
The older woman cleared her throat before she hurried in after the other.
Nayeon couldn’t be in love. She’d been on multiple dates and slept with multiple people. She wouldn’t have put herself through that much if she had what she wanted right in front of her, would she?
But then again. Nayeon hadn’t been on a date since December 2021. She’d spent most of her time this last year with Jeongyeon. And Jeongyeon hadn’t been on a date, well, never.
What if Jeongyeon was in love with her too? No, Nayeon wasn’t even in love. Why did it matter if Jeongyeon was in love with her? Well, of course it mattered because they were best friends and best friends in love never, ever work out.
“Unnie!” Mina called once again.
The elevator had reached their floor, and Mina was already in front of the door. Nayeon had to hurry out so she didn’t get squeezed between the elevator doors.
“Are you okay?” Mina asked once she’d reached the door.
“Mhm,” Nayeon said in a strained voice. “Let’s go inside.”
The movie was still playing from the living room. Nayeon had no clue how long they’d been gone, but it didn’t seem too long at least.
She made her way back to the couch, where everyone was invested in the movie. Only Jeongyeon looked at them, and she managed to catch Chaeyoung side-eyeing Mina. Jeongyeon lifted up the blanket so Nayeon could claim back her earlier spot, but no matter how inviting Jeongyeon’s warmth seemed right now, she had too much going on in her mind. Carefully, she declined and sat down with as much distance she could get to the other woman. She noticed how Jeongyeon’s face fell.
Maybe that was a sign that Jeongyeon liked her too? If Nayeon even liked her, that is.
Jeongyeon was kind and thoughtful and sweet and funny and smart. She could cook and clean, build furniture from the most unclear instructions and fix a fire alarm without a manual at all. And she was incredibly hot and cute at the same time. She was everything Nayeon wanted in a partner. Even more.
And she made Nayeon feel loved.
The older woman couldn’t help but let her eyes roam to the other, but what surprised her was that Jeongyeon already was looking at her. Her eyes were wide open as she had the most adorable pout on her lips. Nayeon wanted to kiss her.
That single thought made Nayeon move her eyes back to the screen. She wanted to kiss Jeongyeon, her best friend.
She wanted to have Jeongyeon’s arms around her. She wanted to figh and love, hate and make up, clean and tarnish as long as it was with Jeongyeon. She wanted everything with Jeongyeon.
Fuck. Nayeon was in love with her best friend.
Suddenly the distance to the other woman felt too close and too far at the same time. The one pillow between them felt like a shield and a wall at the same time. Nayeon wanted to move it out of the way, but she also wanted it to turn into cement so they never could touch again.
“Unnie?” Jeongyeon whispered.
Nayeon noticed the hard grip she had on the pillow. Her knuckles were white, but they were quickly covered with Jeongyeon’s own hand.
The older woman shifted away, startling Mina and Seungyeon who were closest to her. She excused herself before she hurried away into her room. Harshly, she closed the door behind her. The mumbles from outside were drowned out by her own thoughts, all screaming one name.
She didn’t know how much time had gone by when the apartment suddenly became quiet. No more English from the tv, comments from Chaeyoung or the sound of their mumbling.
Now it was just Nayeon alone with her mind. That, and the three knocks on her door.
“Nayeon unnie?” she heard from the other side. “Can I come in?”
It was that one all too familiar voice that Nayeon first now realised made her heart swell. She realised than that it had always been this way. Nayeon had just been too busy trying to find love elsewhere that she hadn’t realised it was right in front of her.
She realised she couldn’t ignore Jeongyeon, especially now that she knew how she was feeling about her.
“Yes,” she said from her place on her bed, where she sat with crossed legs.
Jeongyeon entered quietly and sat down on the edge. The two didn’t look at each other.
“The members went to the maknaes’ apartment,” Jeongyeon said quietly. “And I told Seungyeon unnie to go home without me. From your reaction earlier, I… I figured we have stuff to talk about.”
Nayeon didn’t answer her. She simply nodded.
“Was that too much? Squeezing your leg like that?”
The older woman was suddenly taking back to the couch. The heat she felt around them, within her. The want, the need, to be close. To be touched.
She looked at Jeongyeon who was hanging with her head like a sad puppy. Without saying a word, she scooted closer to her, until her front was pressed against Jeongyeon’s back. She wrapped her arms around her best friend and rested her cheek against her shoulder blade.
“Unnie,” Jeongyeon said in a voice Nayeon couldn’t interpret.
Instead on dwelling on it for any longer, Nayeon softly pressed her lips against the taller woman’s shoulder. She tightened her arms and moved her head closer to Jeongyeon’s face. Slowly, she lowered her lips to kiss the bare skin between Jeongyeon’s shirt and neck. The younger woman inhaled louder than she probably wanted to when Nayeon’s breath hit her skin.
The older of the two released the other, but grabbed Jeongyeon’s hand. It was sweaty, but she didn’t mind as her own most likely was as well. She scooted back on the bed, making the other follow her.
When her back met the mattress, she realised how wide Jeongyeon’s eyes were. They were deep and intense, full of the same nuance that coloured Nayeon’s eyes right now. But they were wide, as if she was scared.
Jeongyeon stayed put in the middle of the bed, her arm strained as Nayeon tugged her towards herself.
“It’s okay,” Nayeon said breathily. “It’s okay if you don’t want it.”
Shaking her head, Jeongyeon let Nayeon lead her closer.
“I want to but…” Jeongyeon said. “I’m heavy… and I don’t…”
The older woman lifted her head to meet the other who was now hovering above her. With their noses brushing against each other and their breaths mixing with each other, Nayeon put Jeongyeon’s hand on her shoulder, and her own on Jeongyeon’s cheek. She brushed her thumb against her soft, rosy skin while looking deep into her eyes.
“I need you,” Nayeon whispered.
Jeongyeon’s eyes shifted down to her lips before she looked back up into her eyes.
“What do you need from me?” she asked.
Their lips were so close to brushing against each other that Nayeon couldn’t wait any longer. Only shifting slightly, she felt the other’s softness against her. Gently, they tasted each other’s lips for a minute. When they separated, the air around them was heavy.
“I need you to love me,” Nayeon said before pulling the other into another kiss.
She laid flat against the bed and soon felt Jeongyeon lay down on top of her, putting one hand on her waist and the other beside her head to hold herself up. Nayeon put her own hands on Jeongyeon’s back, pressing gently to get the other even closer to herself.
“Okay,” Jeongyeon said between heavy kisses. “I’ll love you.”
____________________
Nayeon woke up hours later with a pounding in her head. It took her a second to realise what was happening, but then she felt something tickle her chest.
She slowly opened her eyes, feeling the sting from the bright light, and noticed the fingers drawing figures on her skin. Everything came back to her. Every single second of Jeongyeon loving her.
Looking to her side, she met the eyes of the younger woman, and saw the grin across her face. Jeongyeon leaned in and pressed her lips against Nayeon’s, before she laid back with her chin resting on her hand.
“Were you watching me sleep?” Nayeon asked with a wide grin.
Jeongyeon moved her hand up to Nayeon’s face and brushed her hairs away from her forehead.
“I’m always watching you,” she said.
Her soft fingers traced downwards. Over Nayeon’s cheekbones and round cheeks, over her soft lips, her jawbone, down her neck and onto her chest.
“You’re so beautiful.”
She placed a kiss against Nayeon’s lips, before she shifted down and kissed her everywhere her finger just traced. Gently, her lips pressed against the soft skin on Nayeon’s chest.
The older woman brought her hands to Jeongyeon’s head, one messaging the back of it while the other played with her little strands of hair.
She noticed how Jeongyeon’s eyes were closed, as if she needed utmost focus to leave lazy pecks.
“Jeong,” Nayeon said.
“Mm?”
She felt the other starting to kiss her harder, wetter. Let her tongue out here and there. Sucking slightly. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough to leave Nayeon wanting more. When Jeongyeon let her lips close around her most sensitive part, Nayeon called for her attention once more.
“Jeong,” she said and pushed the other’s head up.
“What?” the younger woman pouted.
Nayeon wanted to kiss the pour off her lips, so she did.
“I don’t want what Mina and Chaeyoung have,” she said afterwards. “I want us to be a real thing, or nothing at all.”
Jeongyeon furrowed her eyebrows.
“I don’t know what Mina and Chaeyoung have,” Jeongyeon said, “but Nayeon, I love you. I’ve never wanted anyone other than you.”
Nayeon smiled and let the other steal yet another kiss from her lips.
“How long have you known?” she then asked.
“Since you went out with Kyunghoon after practice that one time,” Jeongyeon blushed. “I figured my jealousy wasn’t because I wanted to go out with him.”
“That’s why you hated him so much?” Nayeon chuckled.
“Mhm,” Jeongyeon said with tight lips.
Nayeon quite enjoyed her jealousy. She enjoyed the way Jeongyeon’s hands held her a little harder, how there was fire in her eyes.
“Don’t worry,” Nayeon raised her eyebrows before whispering the last part. “You’ve seen more of me than he ever got to.”
Jeongyeon blushed.
“What about you?” she then asked.
“Huh?”
“How long have you known?”
Nayeon laughed. If Jeongyeon only knew what she went through last night.
“What time is it?”
“About nine, why?” Jeongyeon raised an eyebrow.
“Consciously, for about nine, ten hours,” Nayeon said, making Jeongyeon widen her eyes. “Unconsciously, since forever, I think.”
It hit Nayeon later that morning that this was the first valentines she’d spent with someone she loved. Not the way you love your friends or dogs. The way you love your someone.
She decided on two things that morning. One: she would start listening to her heart, and two: she was going to throw away her stupid logbook.
Oh, and she didn’t miss that one text from Mina. ’I talked to Chaeyoung. We decided to try for real this time😊 Thank you for the talk, and I hope it works out for you too.’