Chapter Text
The holidays.
The festive, fun-filled time of year where all monsters and humans can come together, spreading the warmth of Christmas Joy no matter how chilly the world may be.
The Holidays.
The dysfunctional, broken family that, despite their efforts, will never be whole again.
How do the two get so closely mixed up?
Maybe it's because of a certain phrase that's been passed down for many generations of the reindeer family.
"Holidays happen whether you like it or not!"
How can that happen if there's only one left?
--
Noelle loved December.
She loved her confidence, her adventurous spirit, her athletic talent, her compassion, her courage…
Oh, and she loved the month of December too.
There's something special about having an older sister. For one thing, they can do your hair! On mornings when Mom was too busy to get the children ready for school, Dess took matters into her own hands. Despite still being a kid, she was able to prepare their lunches, pack up their school bags, walk them both to school, and give Noelle her goodbye hug all by herself.
But the best part was always when Dess put her hair into ponytails. Chills would run down Noelle's spine as her sister gently traced the top of her scalp, splitting her hair into two parts. Then she would take a hair tie off of her single antler and carefully tie Noelle's hair up. On special days, Dess would use ribbons with big bows, and on even more special days, she'd braid her hair instead! Noelle always felt extra beautiful when she went to class with her pampered hair styled by her favorite sister.
Dess liked playing outside, too. She was a really good baseball player! Actually, she was the only reason why Hometown had a baseball club in the first place. Dess's older friends played with her on the weekends–and sometimes Dad joined in with the fun, too. Noelle had tried playing once, but she almost got hit by the ball and instantly burst into tears. Thankfully, Dess was really good at making her feel better...sometimes just her presence was enough to make Noelle feel okay again.
There were many more times where Dess needed to comfort her. Noelle had a lot of fears as a kid–even Santa Claus scared her, believe it or not! How could a Holiday be scared of the big star of Christmas?! But Dess had helped her get over that by grabbing "Santa Claus's" hat and pulling off his beard, revealing the monster hidden underneath: Mr. Asgore! Noelle had felt so silly when she realized that she was scared of such a friendly, huggable monster the whole time.
But Mom didn't like the fact that she was so timid. She didn't say that, but Noelle could tell. Mom would ask her to help with the laundry or set the table, and of course Noelle would do it! She'd do anything for her family! But every time, without fail, she'd get scolded for doing something wrong, and inevitably Mom would give her this frown of disappointment, her gray eyes narrowed as she looked down with disdain at her child. The very expression made Noelle unhappy. It hurt even more knowing that she never treated Dess like that--which made sense because Dess was amazing--but why couldn't she treat Noelle like that too?
Usually when Mom got mad at her, Dad stepped in to take Noelle’s place, telling her that Mom was very overwhelmed with trying to become the town's first mayor and that she still loved her very much. Then he'd promise they could play video games later, which was always their favorite thing to do. So Noelle forgot about Mom for that moment.
But Dad wasn't always home to help. Sometimes he'd spend long days away from home without any explanation. For a while Noelle didn't understand why, but then Dess told her that after the younger doe was born, he got really sick and almost fell down. But he recovered, and now he was almost back to normal. He still had to go to a bunch of appointments and get a lot of tests done to make sure he was healthy, but Noelle didn't mind. All that mattered was that he was okay.
Sometimes there were days where neither Mom nor Dad were home, and the sisters were free to themselves. After they walked home from school, Noelle would usually go right upstairs and do her homework. But one day, Dess didn't want to do something so boring. Suddenly, baseball wasn't entertaining anymore; she wanted to go to the forest behind the graveyard instead! Noelle was terrified, but Dess told her it would be fun--plus, they could invite Azzy and Kris too. Noelle knew Azzy was a good person who always did the right thing--if there was anyone they could've gone with, Azzy was the best choice. With him and Dess around, nothing could go wrong!
Well, except for the fact that forests on the inside are a lot scarier than forests on the outside. After only a few minutes of exploring, Dess had to take poor terrified Noelle home early--and their fun adventure ended that day.
But Dess didn't stop going. Every day after school, she would drop Noelle off at home before meeting up with Azzy and Kris next door. Then Noelle would wave goodbye as the trio ran off together, always heading south towards the graveyard. After a while, Kris wasn’t allowed to go either because the things the two older kids were doing were “too dangerous." Noelle wasn’t sure what that meant, but when Dess saw how worried she looked, she reassured her with her classic grin--missing tooth and all--and explained:
“We’re gonna find out what’s on the other side of the forest!”
Noelle never thought that forest was much more than a few trees. How they hadn’t found what was on the other side of it already, she wasn’t quite sure. She didn’t exactly like the sound of their mission, but if Dess was involved, then she had to know what she was doing. So Noelle supported her like always.
One day, Azzy was absent when Dess got back home. Noelle could always see them walk together from her window, but that day she was alone. When Dess entered their room, Noelle asked about it.
“Oh, Azzy bailed out,” she said absent-mindedly, sloppily tossing her backpack in her desk chair. “He thinks we’re going too far. But he’s bailing way too early! I found out the best path to get to the other side!”
Her face lit up with determination, and Noelle couldn't help but smile back. If Dess believed in herself, then Noelle believed in her too.
The next day.
After class was over, Dess brought Noelle to Azzy and asked if he could walk the younger girl home from school. Azzy seemed to know exactly what Dess was thinking because he told her not to go to the forest, but she said she'd be fine--she was born first, and she had way more experience with exploring the outdoors than he did. He didn't argue after that, although he was still frowning.
Dess turned to Noelle and gave her a big hug. "I'll see you by tonight, okay, sis?" Noelle could feel the lingering touch as Dess let go. She didn't want to part ways, but the spark in her sister's eye told her that she didn't need to worry. "I'll tell you about all the awesome things I find when I get back!"
And then she was gone.
Noelle was dropped off uneventfully. With Dad at an overnight appointment and Mom at her new job, the house was empty as usual, so Noelle did her normal routine to keep her busy. Homework, snack, chores, decorating, a few games. Dusk quickly arrived, and before long Noelle realized that her sister was still not back. She cautiously looked outside but could not find anyone. Not wanting to worry like silly little Noelle always did, she decided in her head that Dess went to the Dreemurrs first to tell Azzy how foolish he'd been with his earlier comments. Serves him right for doubting the best adventurer around!
Still, Noelle could not ignore the unease nestling in the back of her mind. So she called it a night and went to bed, silently hoping that her sister would be right across the room resting in her bed tomorrow morning.
Instead, she was woken up early.
The door slammed against the wall as it swung open, her mother was standing on the other side. Even in the dimly lit room Noelle could see the sheer look of panic on her face.
"Noelle, where's December?"
--
Everything after that was a blur.
Noelle remembered her mother pleading for the police to search every possible location for her missing child, even if they lost sleep because of it.
She remembered the grim frowns on the policemen's faces as they returned, crushing everyone's fragile hopes with a silent shake of their heads.
She remembered the way Asriel cried, apologizing over and over for not trying hard enough to stop her.
She remembered the chill of the night--any other night she would have welcomed the refreshing air with open arms…
But now it was just cold.
Her father was discharged early that morning. Pale sunlight was barely filtering through the window as Noelle saw him enter the house, his hospital gown still on. When he spotted his daughter kneeling against the window, he rushed over and embraced her tightly.
"It's okay, it's okay," he spoke in a quiet desperate voice, almost as if he had to convince himself of it too. "It's going to be okay Noelle. I promise."
That was the only time Noelle let herself cry about her sister.
--
The search parties continued for a while. With Undyne being the new police chief after the old one was fired, she did not hesitate to search every spot she could--everywhere in Hometown, everywhere in the forest, everywhere in the towns close by, even going as far as the Big City. But she couldn't find a trace of Dess. It was like she disappeared completely--no sign of her anywhere. Noelle's mother refused to believe it, but after a few weeks of non-stop searching, it was hard to stay optimistic. So they were forced to give up.
Her mother's mood only got worse after Dess's disappearance. Despite finally being settled into her mayor position, she still took out all of her anger on Noelle--and there was no Dess to protect her anymore. Unlike before, her words were scathing, and they burned more than they ever had--like a sudden freezing wind that knocks you over and leaves you stinging from the cold.
Noelle knew why her mother acted that way. She never said it, but Noelle lived long enough with her mother to know what she was thinking. It was written all over her face:
"I wish Dess was here instead of you."
It was hard for Noelle to argue with that.
Every kid in her school knew what had happened to her sister. Except maybe Berdley who seemed a little oblivious, but he was the exception. The first day back, she could feel everyone's eyes on her as she walked in. Ms. Toriel greeted her, and the room grew silent as they waited to see how Noelle would respond. Despite everything she was feeling inside, she feigned a smile and said, "Good morning!"
It was almost like the room let out a collective sigh of relief as everyone resumed their conversations.
There was a reason her last name was "Holiday." She wasn't supposed to bring everyone down with her sad situation; her job was to spread cheer and happiness! It didn't matter that she was heartbroken--all that mattered was making everyone else feel like everything was okay, just like Dess did for her. So she had no choice but to bury her feelings.
It was hard for her to describe what her feelings were, anyways. More than anything, she just wanted her sister back. With Dess gone, it felt like half of her soul was missing. Dess was always a constant presence in her life, but now it was just Noelle.
The less significant of the two.
The guilt only grew stronger and stronger as she got older.
If Dess were still there, maybe her mother wouldn't always be so mean. If Dess were still there, maybe the holidays wouldn't feel drearier and drearier every year. If Dess were still there, maybe she wouldn't have to worry about how much her fears had grown since her sister's disappearance. If Dess were still there…
(If Dess was here…)
That was the phrase that popped into Noelle’s mind every time her mother snapped at her. Noelle never fought back; instead, it almost felt like she was agreeing with her mother. Yes, she shouldn't have put the dishes in the dishwasher in that order. Yes, she should've tried harder to get a perfect score on her English exam. Yes, she had too much anxiety for a person her age. Yes, she was a total disappointment to the family.
(Well if she hates me that much then maybe I should disappear too.)
The thought came as quickly as it left. For a second Noelle almost thought she heard herself wrong, but then she realized how tightly she was clenching her fists and she immediately froze.
(Did I just think that?)
How could she ever think of such a dreadful thing? The whole town was still emotionally scarred from Dess's disappearance; if the same thing happened to Noelle, she couldn't even imagine the state the town would be in. What would her mother think? No, what would her father think? Her poor father...he'd never recover if he lost both of his daughters. Gosh, what a horrible thing for her to even consider.
Noelle made sure to hug both of her parents that day, and she promised to herself that she would never think those thoughts again.
For a while, she kept her promise. It was quite easy to distract herself from her thoughts when they were filled with something else...well, someone else. During her last year of lower school, someone new joined the class. She was quiet yet mysterious, intimidating yet charming, dark yet a bright light in Noelle's world...Susie.
It was hard for Noelle to not admire such a cool and awesome monster like Susie. Noelle was sure she looked like the biggest dork ever when Susie asked her for a pencil and she could only stutter and flail in response until she remembered what she was trying to do. She ended up sacrificing her special candy cane pencil just for her new classmate. After Susie went back to her seat, Noelle swore she saw her nibbling on the pencil as if it were a real candy cane--and the poor reindeer almost fainted.
Despite their exciting start, there wasn't much action happening between the two of them. Susie would do stuff like talk back to the teacher, eat various nonedible classroom objects during class, and laugh at everyone from the outside window as she skipped class, and every time Noelle couldn't help but wonder what things would be like if they did them together. What if Ms. Toriel was actually putting everyone to sleep and Susie should run the class instead? What if classroom chalk tasted like Pixie Stix and Noelle needed to start adding it to her grocery list? What if skipping class with Susie, free to do whatever they'd please...what if it was the best thing Noelle could ever experience?
But she never did anything about it. She was (for the most part) content quietly observing Susie from the sidelines, letting her decide whether or not Noelle was worth hanging around.
While she was waiting for Susie to notice her, Noelle liked to spend time with some of the other kids in her class…well, mostly Berdley, and certainly not by choice. The blue bird always dragged her to the library after school, claiming that her tutoring was the only reason he was as smart as he was. Noelle didn't want to let him down, so she didn't mind spending some of her time studying with him. But Berdley was not the first person she would willingly choose to spend time with.
Instead, she enjoyed hanging out with her feline classmate Catti--if only for a short while. One day Noelle had decided to ask about the crystals she liked to bring to class, and to her surprise, Catti knew quite a lot about them. Noelle found out that the quiet girl had a whole hidden wealth of knowledge about the supernatural world, and it was incredibly interesting. Eerie, and something her mother definitely wouldn’t support–but interesting nonetheless. Noelle wanted to learn more, so they began to spend time together after class, reading through spells and organizing herbs as they relaxed in Catti’s room.
If things had turned out differently, then maybe Noelle would have continued hanging out with her. But after Noelle asked about her tarot cards and Catti offered to read them for her…
“Darkness in your heart…”
“Very unhappy inside…”
“The death card…how fitting...”
...Noelle had to put an end to that friendship.
Okay, maybe it was a bit of an exaggerated response to completely drop their blossoming friendship just because Catti was onto her. But Noelle couldn’t let anyone know about her feelings. It didn’t matter if the thoughts were only getting worse, and her promise to herself had long been broken. All that mattered was making sure everyone else was happy.
Her dad always believed her facade. He was the person Noelle knew could never, ever find out about her feelings, or else his heart would break. Literally. His health wasn’t as stable as it was in the past, and by Noelle's second year of high school it was deteriorating fast. So it was imperative more than ever that he believed his daughter was doing fine.
Unfortunately, his sickness suddenly became very severe one day, and he had no choice but to get hospitalized. Her mother literally had to drag him off the couch just to make him go.
“I’m telling ya, I’m good as gumdrops!” he snapped, his legs wobbling as he struggled to keep his balance. “It’s just a little fatigue. Nothing a Holiday can’t handle.”
Noelle frowned. “Dad, you said that last time, and the doctors almost had to remove your leg because of how bad your infection got.”
He didn’t say anything after that.
There was something about his visit this time that felt very...wrong. First of all, the doctors didn’t seem to know when he would be able to leave, which wasn’t normally the case. Second, her father wouldn’t elaborate on what was going on.
“Oh, it’s just a few tests!” he reassured her. “Just your typical hospital stuff. Now tell me about all the progress you made on Dragon Blazers III. Did you beat that plant wizard yet?”
Noelle knew he was avoiding the question, but she appeased him anyway. Still, it wasn’t hard to see how terrible her father looked. His hair was thinning and grayer than before, his limbs didn't have nearly enough muscle, his face had aged by 20 years...he didn’t look like the same dad she always knew and loved.
Noelle was beginning to think that this might be his last hospitalization.
What are you supposed to do when you reach that conclusion? How are you supposed to cope with the idea of losing another loved one? Noelle was already missing half of her soul after her sister disappeared--and now her father was about to leave too.
Good thing her mother would still be around, right?
--
His final day came way too quickly.
Class ended, and Noelle was in a good mood--Berdley wasn’t there, the big science exam was pushed back another day, and she got to sit with Susie at lunch! Noelle usually sat with Kris and a few others, but for some reason Kris invited Susie over too. Noelle had been noticing how much those two had been talking together lately--Susie even looked physically different after only seemingly befriending Kris a few days ago. Almost like Noelle could see more of her face. She wondered what that was about.
Either way, Noelle was really happy to have a good day. Usually her good moments were overshadowed by the inevitable bad thoughts, but this time she wanted it to be different.
(Well, I better go see my dad now.)
Her giddiness started to dissipate with the thought of her father. After 12 days he was still in the hospital without any changes. The past few days, the doctors hadn’t even done any tests or procedures. She wasn’t sure what was going on. But her father enjoyed her company, so she always visited no matter what.
The receptionist was unusually quiet as she entered the hospital doors.
“Is...everything alright?” Noelle asked when the receptionist remained silent, worry slowly creeping into her fur.
The receptionist looked in her direction for a moment before glancing at the doors leading to the patients. “You might want to go in there, darling.”
A wave of dread overcame Noelle, and she rushed through the doors into her father’s room.
“Dad?!” she cried, uncertain of what she might find on the other side. She immediately felt relieved when she saw him lying in the same spot, still lucid. He feebly lifted his arm and gave a little wave.
“Hey, honey.”
Noelle’s relief was short-lived--her father definitely did not look okay. His eyes were barely open, his movements were slow and limited, his voice was much too subdued…
“Stop looking so worried, Noelle.” He beckoned her over. “C’mere for a sec. I want to tell you something.”
Those words did not console her. “Dad, are you okay? You don’t look that good. The receptionist out front looked like she knew something. What’s going on?”
“Just come here,” he said sternly. Noelle wanted answers, but she listened to her father. She was careful not to crush him as she sat on her usual spot on the bed.
“Can you tell me what’s going on now?” she pleaded, her eyes wide with concern. At the sight of this, her father sighed, a slight smile on his face.
“Oh Noelle, what will I do with you?” Then he became serious. “There’s something I should probably tell you. A few years back--actually, it was right before the incident...”
(When Dess disappeared.)
“...The morning before then, I had a bunch of tests done, and they found out my lifespan wouldn’t be that long anymore. Because all the parts of my body that were supposed to help me decided to attack me instead, and now I don’t get to live as long.”
“Oh,” Noelle said, confused. Didn’t they already know this? Even if he never said it, she'd assumed it was the case.
“And now…” His eyes were direct and almost apologetic as they looked right into Noelle’s. “I’m thinking this might be it.”
It took a moment for Noelle to realize what he meant, and when she did, she swore her heart shattered into pieces. “You...you don’t think you’re going to make it?” she asked, a slight quiver in her voice.
“Noelle, I’m sorry.” The genuine sorrow in her father’s expression made her tear up, and she threw her arms around him, clutching him as hard as she could.
(I can’t lose you…I can’t!)
"Don't be sad," he tried to console, his voice muffled in her ear as she instinctively rested her head on his chest like she did as a child. "I had a good life. I married your lovely mother, I had two beautiful, amazing children, I got to watch you grow up and become an accomplished young monster…" He lightened up for a moment, his old personality resurfacing with a slick smile. "What more could a red-nosed reindeer ask for?"
"Dad, that stuff doesn't matter to me!" It was hard for Noelle to keep her voice straight as she sat back up, her eyes pleading in desperation. "I don't want you to go!"
(I don't know what I'd do without you…!)
Her father looked helpless, which made her hurt even more. "Look Noelle, there's no use in being sad about it. We tried everything we could, but in the end, nature is taking its course. I know this is hard for you, but we've gone through tough times before, remember? You're a strong girl."
(I'm not strong enough to lose you!)
The emotions were welling up in Noelle's chest. At this point she wasn't quite sure how to articulate her thoughts without breaking into tears, but before she could say anything, her father started coughing. It was a harsh, sickly cough--no different than any other day in the hospital--except he didn't stop.
"Dad?"
He finally managed to pause for a moment, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. In a strained voice he said, "Maybe...you should get the nurse."
(Oh my God. It's actually happening.)
Noelle forced herself to leave her dad's side for just one moment and ran for the nurse.
--
Her mother managed to leave work in time to be there for his falling. She barely acknowledged Noelle as she quietly knelt down next to her husband, placing her quaint hand next to his. Despite his hand always being noticeably larger, they almost looked the same now.
"The rings you chose are still as gorgeous as when you got them," she said nostalgically.
He could only grin back in response.
--
Noelle and her mother were both holding her father’s hands by the time he officially fell down. Noelle could feel the weight in her hands fading away as it was replaced with white powder, the dust slowly accumulating into a small pile on the bed. The nurses helped them place it into a small basket. It would be his temporary home until his funeral where they would scatter it over his object of choice--an angel doll that Noelle and Dess made during youth group.
Noelle went home after that. Her mother went back to work, but even though she normally stayed at work until way past dark, she was home a few minutes later, the sun still high in the sky.
It was very quiet.
There wasn't much interaction besides a few passing comments. They both prepared their individual dinners before Noelle headed up to bed for the night. She did not leave her room until the funeral a few days later.
"I thought you're supposed to wear dark clothing for a funeral?" her mother griped as Noelle walked down in her fluttering holiday dress, the pastel green base matching well with the bright red lace.
"Dad wanted us to wear festive clothes," she replied.
Her mother was not pleased with that answer. "That's not socially acceptable. Nobody else will be wearing clothing like that."
Noelle was too numb to fight back. So she changed her outfit.
When they got to the funeral, it was apparent that her mother was wrong. Everybody was wearing something colorful or festive--it was her father's wishes after all. The two girls looked more out-of-place wearing their black dresses than if they hadn't. Noelle could tell her mother was uncomfortable looking so different, but Noelle didn't feel the same way.
She didn't feel much of anything, really.
The only thing she remembered from the funeral was Asgore's speech. It started off terrible--he tried cracking some jokes á la Rudy style and ended up crying for the majority of it. But by the end of his speech, he was comfortable enough on the chancel to share more about her father. He talked about his dear friend’s love for his family, his passion for holiday cheer, his ability to light up the room with just a joke and a smile (or just his nose), and his constant optimism that lasted up until his very last moments. To Asgore, Rudy was one of the best monsters around, and it would be very hard for the town to move on from him.
When the service was over, they all gathered in the graveyard to spread his dust. Noelle was aware of the forest looming behind her as she grabbed the other side of the basket with her mother and let the dust fall onto the angel doll. Then, they buried the doll, finally leaving her father at rest.
"Alright, everyone, time for the celebration of life." Toriel beckoned them all to go, but when Noelle and her mother did not move, she let them stay. For a while, the two reindeer stood together in peace, but eventually her mother said that it was probably time they should get going.
"I'll stay here for a little while," Noelle told her. Her mother was wise enough not to complain, and she let her mourn by herself.
It took a moment for Noelle's muscles to relax, but once she was sure her mother was out of sight, she knelt down, her head bowed solemnly, and whispered, "Tomorrow."
"I'll see you tomorrow."