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It was the summer evening time. The two Bestfriends, Jihoon and Junkyu, were sitting on a swing
Junkyu had decided to come by, to clear up his mind, wanting some fresh air. He just had too much going on in his mind. Well for Jihoon? That Guy was here for his Bestfriend.
Back at the university, It was days of summer festival and the band had practice sessions going on for the performance but Junkyu was nowhere to be found. Jihoon knew the younger was too stressed these days therefore he would get away for some fresh air.
As much as Jihoon knew the younger, he was sure that Junkyu would definitely go to that one secluded playground in their area.
Back then, Junkyu had first brought him to that playground when he was too hurt from a breakup and had told him that he came here whenever he wanted to be alone.
Junkyu found this place when he was just wandering around alone. And because generally no one really would come there, Junkyu often went there. For a getaway.
Jihoon had found him afterall, sitting alone on a swing, deep into his thoughts. He walked near him and sat on the swing besides. Junkyu was quick on noticing the older but didn't bother to look at him.
No one talked for what felt like years (to Jihoon), there they were engulfed in silence. Jihoon knew better than to wait for Junkyu to talk first.
"Sure this is a very good place, Kyu but you know, I'm here for you"
Junkyu was still silent despite Jihoon's attempt to make him talk. Junkyu just had too much on his mind.
"Junkyu-ya, I was worried when I came to know you weren't there for neither rehearsals nor the classes. You didn't even reply to my texts or answer my call. You know your bandmates were looking for you." Junkyu looked up, feeling bad that he only thought of himself.
"So I went here to look for you. And as expected, here you are."
Junkyu looked at Jihoon. "I did message hyunsuk hyung that I won't be there today. But maybe he didn't get it." And he saw the familiar spark in the older's eyes. So he looked away "I should've just called him in the morning. I'm so stupid." There goes his heart again.
"Kyu.. you don't need to feel bad for that."
Junkyu went silent again.
"Kim Junkyu. Look at you. You look pale. If you keep stressing over like that, how will you perform?" Jihoon knew why his Bestfriend was stressed these days, apparently too much stressed that it wasn't at all normal. So Jihoon doubted Junkyu whenever he said it was just because of their summer festival performance. "Junkyu-ya, what's bugging you? I've already asked you this several times but you still won't tell me. I know you're not in good condition these days so you're afraid you'll do bad but you're going to be okay. So whatever is that you're stressing over, let it all out. Hm? Tell me what is it, will you?"
"You've already said it, Park Jihoon. I am stressing over because of my bad performance of these days. It's just that. Nothing else."
"You think I can't sense it, Kim Junkyu?" And Junkyu immediately looked up, afraid what was Jihoon going to say. "I asked Hyunsuk hyung" Junkyu found it odd as he saw the look in the older's eyes. "He said you were performing well but somehow always seemed distracted and deep into your own thoughts. So you not being in good condition is not because of your bad performance but-"
"PARK JIHOON. I already told you I am troubled because of my performance. There is really nothing else." He looked away from the older.
Junkyu felt guilty to straight up lie to his Bestfriend but it's not like he had any other choice. He didn't have the option to tell Jihoon the real reason.
Junkyu was relieved because he knew the older won't ask further questions. He hates the way Jihoon seemed to read him like an open book. But still somehow, Jihoon was oblivious to Junkyu's feelings.
Junkyu was practising with his bandmates of Ray, A 4-piece band that he was lead guitarist of, when Jihoon decided to come by. The older waited till the band's practise was over before approaching the him. By then everyone had already left.
"Spill." And Junkyu turned to his Bestfriend.
"Huh?"
'Here goes nothing' Junkyu thought and he sighed. "I am tired Park Jihoon. So get to the point why you're here."
"Oh."
"Help me confess to him"
'Just what I thought' Junkyu just stood there silent.
"Don't tell me you already knew." Jihoon waited for Junkyu to say something.
"Well at least show some excitement Junkyu!"
"This is nothing new to show excitement. And next time don't gawk at him too much. You'll scare him."
"What the fuck do you mean I will scare him! And I wasn't even gawking at him. I was just merely looking at him."
Well it made Junkyu scoff at Jihoon.
"Just tell me you're going to help me or not?"
"No."
"What? Straight up no? How can you do that to your only Bestfriend?"
Junkyu was too tired to argue with the older. So he just sighed and said, "Regardless of whatever I say, I'll have to help you or you won't let me live in peace. And stop using the Bestfriend card on me. I don't understand when will you man up Park Jihoon. For God's sake stop chickening out and approach your crush by yourself. You even have good experience in it."
"I'm not chickening out, I'm just shy okay! And as you do are my best friend and the perfect person who can initiate my plan, so you should help me."
"It's your love life, your business. Why would I bother."
"Come on, Junkyu. Help me. I've liked him for a while now. Shouldn't I make a move on him now?" Jihoon pouted giving him puppy eyes.
For Junkyu, it was always so hard to resist Jihoon. He tried his best not to give in, but being in love with the older made it difficult so he gave up.
"Oh god Jihoon. You're so dramatic. I'd punch your face if you pout with those puppy eyes again. Anyway it's just been a week since you've liked him but I'll still help you."
This made the older smile like crazy as he hugged the younger. It was like sudden outburst for Junkyu. He tried to free himself from the older's arms but he couldn't ignore the warmth which spread through him as Jihoon hugged him so decided to enjoy it while it lasted.
"Clingy" which Jihoon just laughed at.
It was really hard for Junkyu to get hold of his feelings at that moment. But he still hugged the older back.
As the summer festival day came near, Junkyu became more and more nervous. And whenever he was with Jihoon, he'd feel frustrated. He was afraid. Why? Jihoon would know his feelings and that was the last thing he wanted to happen.
To make sure their performance would turn out better, the band rehearsed more. The leader made sure everyone was nearly perfect. Everytime they rehearsed, Junkyu would feel that all too familiar pain in his chest. He hated how he related to the song they were performing.
It would've been good, if he wasn't the vocalist but that's what he exactly was. While deciding which song to perform, everyone's opinions were taken into consideration. The other three agreed because the song was really good and so Junkyu did too. He thought it would be better to perform a song whose music, lyrics you could feel in your veins, which you can deliver well. And that exactly was the case. Plus He didn't want to upset anyone.
But actually regretting as every rehearsal day went by. He thought he would get used to the pain eventually as he sang every word of the song, or so he thought. Because it got even worse. Well, the only good thing was, he got better at masking his feelings with fake smiles and laughs. No one would notice but again so he thought. Because once, his band member and friend Yoshi, approached him alone and asked why he looked pale whenever they were rehearsing that song.
Junkyu had swore that there would be no one, who'd know his feelings towards his Bestfriend. He knew many would notice eventually, many would be suspicious but he'd never confirm their doubts. He also knew, it would be very tiring to keep his feelings in hiding but still he'd never let anyone know. Because that'd eventually end up with Jihoon getting aware of his feelings, and again that's the last thing he ever wanted.
So Junkyu convinced Yoshi into making him believe that "that's how it works, that's a part of performance, to deliver every word from deep inside of the soul." Well that did make sense, Junkyu thought.
It was the day before the summer festival. And the band's oldest thought it would be better to rehearse as if it was the day of the performance and they were performing in front of a whole crowd.
The only audience present there, their friend who was like a guide to them, Bang Yedam, suggested that they should introduce themselves first and start the performance.
It was the other members cue to look at the oldest, urging him to go first.
And so he did.
"Umm hello everyone. I am the cool drummer of the Rays, Choi Hyunsuk!"
"Woohoooo" a stray voice cheered.
Everyone except Junkyu looked at the owner of the voice. For Junkyu knew better. Just a mere sound and he instantly recognises the owner.
Junkyu slowly turned, just to see Jihoon grinning like a child. He could feel Yoshi's gaze on him and others too.
"I wonder why Jihoon decided to come by and bless us with his lovely presence." Junkyu mocked.
"Isn't it obvious that I am here to support my bestfriend?"
Junkyu scoffed, maybe too loudly, because everyone turned to looked at him. But then again they knew the Bestfriends to give a damn about it.
"Whatever. Just go away and let us practise in peace"
"Heyyyy Junkyu-ya let me watch you. I swear I won't disturb you. Please. Hm?"
Junkyu knew what Jihoon was trying to say. Jihoon would be a real distraction for him but he knew the older would be really happy if he could stay there and watch that guy perform. Junkyu looked at the others and they all nodded in approval so he let Jihoon stay.
"Okay let's continue!" Yedam announced
Yoshi cleared his throat and started, "hello. I am the rhythm guitarist of the Rays, Kanemoto Yoshi." He looked at the others as they started cheering and clapping for him.
Next was Junkyu. He gathered himself and started looking at anywhere but Jihoon.
"I am Kim Junkyu, lead guitarist of the Rays."
"Junkyu hyung, that was a little too simple, next time please improve it." Yedam voiced his thoughts and others nodded in agreement.
"Cheer up, kyu!"
Junkyu slowly nodded his head.
Now it was the turn of the youngest of the band. "Hello everyone. I am the charismatic bassist of the Rays, Kim Doyoung!"
That made the others smile wide and cheer for him. Now that was all for the four-piece band, Rays.
Junkyu braced himself for to practice the actual performance. As they started, he would look at his members or yedam or around but not Jihoon. But eventually, he ended looking at him every just to see him looking at their Drummer. But once Jihoon looked at him and grinned widely, probably already on the cloud 9 from the happiness he was feeling looking at Junkyu's fellow bandmate. Though Junkyu wasn't the reason behind Jihoon's happiness, he was still happy for his Bestfriend. He was happy that Jihoon was Happy. At that moment, that was all that mattered. He thought, it is better if he looks at Jihoon at times, it would help while performing.
It was the day of their performance. The Rays' members along with Yedam were at the backstage, preparing themselves for the performance. Junkyu was warming up his voice when out of blue he heard Jihoon.
"Kim Junkyu"
He took a deep breath and looked around, spotting Jihoon immediately. Jihoon was walking towards him, a wide smile on his face. And a smile made it's way to Junkyu's face. Eventually he felt his cheeks heating up. It was very simple. The older looked so flawless with just simple blue shirt with jeans. How his eyes shined brighter and his moles were like constellations. It was all so pretty about Jihoon. Always. It was all so cheesy. But true it is, when it comes to Jihoon, he would secretly agree with the cheesiest line.
"Junkyu-ya, good luck! I know you're gonna rock the stage. And Oh boy, you look damn handsome like a supermodel, guess even before you start, every other person will be smitten over you."
"Ohhhh I see. Thank you Jihoon. But don't think I don't know your tactics. Trying to butter me up so I could help you to make a move on Hyunsuk hyung huh! That won't work!"
"Oh you saw through me but Junkyu-ya, I can't wait anymore. Come on. Help me."
"Jihoon, I agreed already. I will help you."
"Really" he added to convince Jihoon.
"Hehee. My pretty and lovely Bestfriend. Thank you, Junkyu!" and he tried to hug the younger.
"Stop! You'll ruin my make up and outfit"
Junkyu said, partly to tease him and also because he didn't want to get anymore close to the older.
"Humph! Always the anti-romatic." Jihoon tried to sulk but he couldn't because he was too happy to do that.
"But on a serious note Junkyu-ya. I know you will do well. I know you're nervous but don't be too nervous. Your performance will be the best."
"Jihoon is right, Junkyu-ya. You'll do well. Just calm yourself and give your best. You need to be more confident in yourself." Hyunsuk said standing beside Jihoon and suprising him.
Junkyu saw Jihoon getting flustered. And as much as Junkyu knows his Bestfriend, he knew Jihoon would be happy with how Hyunsuk said his name. That's how Jihoon's crush on Hyunsuk was.
Junkyu smiled at him. Mentally bracing himself for the upcomings.
It was now his band's turn to perform, so Junkyu was even more nervous. He was going to perform in front of a whole crowd. Not like it was his first time, but it was very natural of him to feel nervous, especially now that he had something up his sleeve. He had decided that it was the first and the last time he was ever going to do it.
As the MC announced, the band went onto the stage, ready to do their thing. Well, Junkyu wasn't really ready but 'it is now or never', that's what he told himself.
The crowd cheered for the boys. They were all set to perform. Junkyu inhaled a long breath, and looked at the crowd yet his eyes immediately found that one guy, the one he's always looking for in the midst the crowd. Jihoon was there chanting the younger's name, hyping up the crowd to show the band support. Junkyu smiled at the sight. He looked back at the oldest that is also the leader of the band, Choi Hyunsuk who smiled at him and signalled the others that they were starting.
As the band introduced themselves, the crowd was crazy cheering. Afterall the boys were quite popular around the campus.
Junkyu's heart was beating like crazy but he had braced himself.
Junkyu closed his eyes. And he released a deep breath he was holding in, as he started his verse, getting into his performer self. He gripped the mic, as he started with the intro of the song.
I should've stayed at home
'Cause right now I see all these people that love me
But I still feel alone
Can't help but check my phone
I could've made you mine
But no, it wasn't meant to be and see, I wasn't made for you
And you weren't made for me
Though it seemed so easy
But as he opened his eyes, looked ahead at the audience and that boy, he didn't bother to mask his feelings that were now recognisable through his voice and his expressions.
It was kind of hard to look at his Bestfriend as he continued to the chorus but Junkyu needed to do it because It was now or never for him.
And that's because I wanna be your favorite boy
I wanna be the one that makes your day
The one you think about as you lie awake
I can't wait to be your number one
I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine
But I still wanna break your heart and make you cry
Junkyu indeed was feeling the familiar pain in his chest but he didn't let it show. He was a performer. He had practised for perfect facial expressions. So when the verse started, Junkyu grooved along with the other members, as they were playing the instruments, who looked like they were having all the fun. That made Junkyu more confident.
But won't you wait?
You know it's too late
I'm on my own shit now
Let me tell you how it feels to be fucking great
I feel great
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Junkyu's voice was like compliment to the song.
You need to be yourself
Love someone for loving you instead of someone really cool
That makes your heart melt
Who knows what you truly felt?
You're still my favorite boy
You better trust me when I tell you
There ain't no one else more beautiful in this damn world
In this damn world
As the bridge part started, the members started singing along with Junkyu, hyping the crowd even more.
You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby
You're gonna wanna be my best friend
I said that
You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby
You're gonna wanna be my best friend, best friend
You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby
You're gonna wanna be my best friend
Best friend
You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby
You're gonna wanna be my best friend
Junkyu gripped the mic tightly as the bridge was ending. Closing his eyes, gathering all the courage he had.
He opened his eyes, slowly looking up as he sang,
I say that I'm happy
I say that I'm happy
His eyes were starting to well up with tears. But...
But no, no, no, no
No, no, no
He was full on swing now. He looked up directly at Jihoon.. in the latter's eyes.
Oh, I still wanna be your favorite boy
I wanna be the one that makes your day
The one you think about as you lie awake
And I can't wait to be your number, your number one
I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine
But I still wanna break your heart and make you cry
Throughout the chorus he didn't look at anyone else but Jihoon. He put all his guts into it as he sang every word, letting his emotions take over him. He looked intently at the boy, to find any sign of realisation, but guess the universe was in his favour this time. He looked away for a sec, just to look back again at the said boy.
He smiled as continued towards the outro.
I still wanna be your favorite boy
I wanna be the one
I might just be the one
The song ended but Junkyu still stared at Jihoon. He seriously didn't want anyone to know but that fear of his can wait because,
'This was my first and the last time, I was ever going to do this. This is my type of confessing to you, Jihoon. We are Bestfriends and that's what I'm ever going to be to you. Even if I beg, cry, or scream to the whole world that I want to be your favourite boy, I know that's impossible. Since the time we are Bestfriends, no one caught my eyes but you. Yet your eyes are everytime looking for someone else. I used to wish that, for once, you would look at me. But now I hope, you won't look at me, because that means I'll be caught looking at you, that you will decipher my feelings for you and that Jihoon is last thing I want to happen. I'd rather die than to lose you, Park Jihoon.'
Junkyu finally looked away but down at his feet, when he felt a pat on his back. He looked up to see Yoshi, who said "you did well" to him and gave him his best smile. He looked at his other members, now beside him.
All of them faced the audience, and bowed.
"We are thank you to everyone in the audience. We hope you enjoyed our performance. We, Rays, will keep doing our best."
Junkyu was looking at Jihoon throughout the oldest's speech who in fact was listening intently to what Choi Hyunsuk had to say. Junkyu just smiled to himself.
Junkyu had changed back and was wiping out the make up off his face, when he saw someone at the door. Jihoon was entering in the band's room, a bouquet in his hands, when Choi Hyunsuk stood before him. Junkyu froze right in his sit. And a memory flashed in his mind.
Junkyu was at the rooftop of his uni. It was his habit to go there whenever he needed to calm. Suddenly he heard the door open and close. He heard the footsteps getting louder until it stopped right beside him. He glanced at the person, just to see Choi Hyunsuk. Junkyu just wanted to be alone.
'Why right now, Hyung.. I needed some getaway from all the chaos but I guess here we go.'
"Hyung.. I-I need to tell you something" the older diverted his attention at the younger
"Hm? Junkyu? What is it?", and he completely turned to look at the younger.
"Hyung.." he stopped for seconds, trying to find words. "About Park Jihoon." He didn't look at the older as he decided to be straightforward. "You know it right. Park Jihoon has something for you."
The older just smiled as he heard that.
"For me? You said Park Jihoon has something for me? What do you mean, Junkyu?"
Junkyu gulped hard at that. "Park Jihoon likes y-you hyung. You know it. In fact everyone can tell that much."
"So you-"
"Hyung.. I hope you can look at him, which won't be hard because hyung..." and Junkyu faced the older boy "I can see it." and he faced back the view in front him.
Junkyu smiled sadly as he remembered his conversation with Choi Hyunsuk. And He knew what was going to happen.
"Jihoon, I see you're already here. Who's this bouquet for?"
Jihoon was flustered. And Junkyu saw that. He knew there was no point in watching the scene unfold. As he was already done, he just got up, picked up his stuff, walking to the door to get away from whatever was happening. Junkyu didn't want to see it at all. But Jihoon caught his wrist midway.
"Junkyu-ya, where are you going?" Junkyu looked at his hyung first and then at Jihoon and he smiled.
"To give you two some privacy." He saw Jihoon was going to say something but he beat him to that. "And anyway, I am going home first. I got something to do at home." Junkyu bid goodbyes to both of them and walked out.
Junkyu sent a text to Jihoon.
'Here you got your chance, Park Jihoon. Do not screw it up. Do well.'
And he walked himself home. A smile on his face.
As Junkyu was getting close to his condo, he felt it hard to control his tears, welling up in his eyes. But he controlled himself. He didn't want to break in the middle of the road
He was right outside his condo's front door, shaking badly as he was opening the door. He got inside, locked the door, turned to see a dark room with no one but him. Within no time, he collapsed on the floor crying his heart out. Even his knees had gave up on him. He was now alone. Now he had no one to hide his tears from. He was glad that he was alone. He cried and cried thinking that it will let out all the pain he felt. He had indirectly confessed to Jihoon in front of a whole crowd, which would end up with many people realising the forbidden. People noticed those things very quickly. He had again helped his Bestfriend to be with his crush. He had again realised that he couldn't ever be with Jihoon. He was more than glad to be the BESTFRIEND, but for once he wanted to know how it felt to be Jihoon's boyfriend.
He cried for what felt years. His throat that went dry from all that crying, so he stood up and went to the kitchen to drink water. He had cried till there were no tears more to shed. Yet he felt even more tears flowing down his cheeks. He wondered why his throat wasn't sore. He was physically exhausted but that didn't even compare to the exhaustion he mentally felt.
He just walked into his bedroom, plopped into his bed, trying to sleep through his agony but alas for Junkyu, sleep never engulfed him the entire night.