Chapter Text
Jeonghan was used to being the pillar of Seventeen. When Seungcheol was diagnosed with anxiety and during his hiatus, it was Jeonghan’s responsibility to be the eldest member. He knew he had to be strong. Not only for Seungcheol, but for everyone else too. He was the member that people turned to when they were overwhelmed or even just needed someone to hold their hand. He knew what his role was in Seventeen and he loved it. He prided himself in the fact that his members felt comfortable enough with him to come to him when they were at their most vulnerable.
So when he started zoning out more and more, missing more and more important things with each occasion. It started small, like everything does. His fingers feeling slightly fuzzy as it took him a second longer to process what Jihoon had just said to him, but it passed with a shake of his head and he wrote it off as fatigue. The more it happened though, the worse it got. He started losing large gaps of time, zoning out while packing his bags and suddenly ending up back at the dorm in the blink of an eye. Losing feeling in his fingers and hands.
He kept it to himself like anyone would. He was just tired. Nothing was wrong with him.
It continues for months at a time. He first notices it right when Seungcheol goes on his hiatus.
It came to a startling halt during one of their concerts. He remembers interacting with fans so vividly and then just nothing. It’s hazy and he thinks he remembers someone saying goodbye for him, but he could be wrong. It’s strange. He almost doesn’t know who he is. He feels detached from his body and his mind. It’s like he’s seeing himself in the third person, like a camera is floating above his head and he’s looking through it down at himself.
He knows someone is calling his name. He can hear them, but he can’t at the same time. He knows he should respond, snap himself out of whatever trance he’s in and reassure them that he’s fine. That they don’t have to worry about him, they shouldn’t have to worry about him.
Something is pressed over his mouth and nose. It’s cold, but it feels nice. He might be shaking. He doesn’t know how long it’s been, how long he’s been sitting there unresponsive.
The thing on his face is moved and something incredibly cold is placed in his mouth. It hurts his tongue and teeth, jarring him back into his own body slightly. He can see who's in front of him now. It’s Seungcheol, their manager, and one of the medical staff. The thing- an oxygen mask- is placed back on his face and he finally realizes how much his chest hurts. He feels himself reach up to press the mask closer to his mouth, but he can’t actually feel the mask under his fingertips. Someone is pulling his hand away and he switches to grasp at Seungcheol’s hand in his own.
“Hannie, you need to breathe.” Seungcheol’s voice rings right next to his ear and makes him flinch backwards.
He feels slightly more in his own body and forces himself to inhale no matter how much energy it takes. He manually forces himself to breathe in and out. Something cold is placed in his hand and he realizes it’s an ice cube. That must have been what they put in his mouth earlier. He clenches his fist around the ice cube, feeling how it forces his mind back into his body.
“Good job, Jeonghan,” His manager says, rubbing his arm softly, “Keep breathing just like that.”
He leans into Seungcheol’s shoulder, chest heaving. Arms wrap around his waist and he feels how Seungcheol rubs soft, rhythmic patterns into the skin. He tries his best to focus on the patterns.
It’s strange when he comes out of whatever episode he was in. It feels like being dunked in hot water, but not hot enough that it burns. His breathing evens out without him having to manually control it. He feels exhausted if he’s being honest. It feels like he just performed five concerts at once.
He lets himself sit in Seungcheol’s embrace for a little bit.
When Seungcheol starts to pull away, he has to force himself not to whine or complain even if it’s the most tempting thing to do in the moment. Seungcheol gently cups Jeonghan’s face and makes him look up.
He can see the other members in the corner of the room. The younger ones seem to be being consoled by the older ones, who look like they’re barely holding out themselves. He feels a rush of guilt and he moves to stand up.
Seungcheol gently tugs him back down before he can even get halfway up, “Don’t worry about everyone else right now, Hannie. Just sit and breathe for a second, yeah?”
He wants to shrug Seungcheol off. He wants to help Dino who looks like he’s about to have a panic attack. He wants to do something to prove that he’s fine.
Instead, he feels himself slip again and it’s terrifying.
It’s worse than the last one. He has no idea where he is or if his eyes are open. He knows he’s seeing things move around him, but he isn’t processing any of it and he feels blind. It’s absolutely terrifying.
He wakes up in a hospital bed.
The rest of the members are scattered around the room, all fast asleep. It’s still dark out but Jeonghan can see that the sun will rise soon by the light blue tint of the room. He wants to stand up. He needs to know that he’s alive. He grabs the side of the bed and forces himself up. It’s not as hard as he would have thought, but his legs feel like they might give out on him at any moment. He ignores it and carefully walks over to the window, gripping the wall to stabilize himself.
He stands there and watches the sun rise. He presses his forehead against the window, feeling the morning chill seep through him, reminding him that he’s in his own body. He’s in the present.
Tears well up in his eyes before he can stop them and he tries to choke back a sob as to not wake anyone. He presses his hand to his mouth, biting down on the meat of his hand to try and quiet himself.
He feels someone pull him into a hug and by the height, he knows it’s Wonwoo. He should have known, Wonwoo had always been such a light sleeper. He leans against the younger as he cries. Wonwoo just holds him, one hand around his waist and the other resting on his nape.
“Is he okay?” He hears Seungcheol whisper softly.
Wonwoo’s voice rumbles through his chest, “I’m not sure, he was like this when I woke up.”
Hands slide up his arms, being mindful of the IV, “Jeonghannie, come sit down. You shouldn’t be up this soon.”
“I can’t,” He says, voice breaking through his tears, “I don’t want to.”
“Why not, Hannie-hyung?” Wonwoo asks softly.
His voice doesn’t sound like his own, “I’m scared.”
“Oh Jeonghan…” Seungcheol says, pulling him away from Wonwoo and into his own arms.
Jeonghan lets himself be sandwiched between the two of them, their warmth a drastic change from the cold window he had stood pressed against, but it’s nice. He feels safe here.
They eventually coax him back into the bed where Wonwoo leaves to find a doctor. The commotion wakes a few of the others and before long, everyone is awake and a doctor is walking through the door followed by Wonwoo.
“Good morning Jeonghan.” The doctor greets, “I heard you gave your friends quite the scare.”
“What happened to me?”
“You experienced something called dissociation. There are many outside and internal factors that can cause such extreme dissociation that we saw with you including trauma, drugs or medication, or just mental illnesses. I just need to confirm with you that you weren’t on any sort of medication or substance yesterday.” The doctor says.
He feels his breath catch in his throat, “No-! No! I wasn’t on anything. Maybe a mild painkiller for a headache, but nothing else. I’ve never-”
“Alright, there’s no need to panic,” The doctor assures him, “Your manager and friends told me the same, but it’s always good to get confirmation. I also heard that you had no injuries during your concert and that you seemed fine right up until the end so the last option is that there’s something going on in your brain to cause such intense episodes.”
He feels his heart drop. He can’t be sick. There’s nothing wrong with people that do struggle with mental illness, but it can’t be him. He’s supposed to be the strong one, the one that everyone is able to go to when Seungcheol is getting better.
“I believe you suffer from some sort of dissociative disorder, but considering I’m no psychiatrist, we’ll have to have you speak to someone more qualified to diagnose you.” The doctor stands up, “I’ll be sending her in a little.”
Jeonghan’s hand shoots out before he can stop it to grab the doctor’s wrist, “Can I be fixed? Is there anything I can do to stop it?”
“There is medication, however there’s no guarantee it’ll work for you. These types of disorders are difficult to completely cure, so chances are you’ll live with these episodes for the rest of your life.” He pats Jeonghan’s wrist like he hasn’t just told him the worst possible news.
Jeonghan just watches as he leaves the room, staring at the door trying to comprehend what he was just told.
He wants to scream. To throw a fit because it isn’t fair.
He’s supposed to be there for everyone else. He isn’t supposed to be the one everyone needs to look after.
A sob falls from his lips.
“Jeonghan-” Joshua tries to reach out.
He leans away from the touch, “Please leave. I can’t… I need to be alone.”
“Hyung-” Dino starts.
“Please.” His voice cracks roughly.
“Of course, we’ll be right outside when you’re ready.” Seungcheol cuts Dino off, gently herding everyone outside the room before looking back at him, “Please call for someone if you need anything.”
He doesn’t answer Seungcheol. He sits and stares at the wall, ignoring the tears that drip down his cheeks.
There’s a knock on the door after maybe half an hour of him wallowing and he quickly wipes his cheeks of the tears before clearing his throat, “Uh- Come in?”
The door is pushed open and a middle aged woman with a kind smile steps through, “Yoon Jeonghan?”
He hums in confirmation and the woman smiles at him, “I’m Dr. Choi, I’m here to hopefully get you a diagnosis.”
She asks him if this has happened before and he can’t bring himself to lie to her. He tells her about the brief episodes that have been happening for over a year at this point. About the lapse in his memory, the feelings of disconnection, the tingling fingers.
He doesn’t react when she tells him he’ll have to see a psychiatrist. He doesn’t react when she tells him his diagnosis. He doesn’t react when she tells him he can try medication, but he’ll still suffer from these episodes.
It’s not a full blown episode, but he feels disconnected as they go through the process of checking him out and getting back to the dorm. They all try to talk to him, to comfort him or ask if he wants something to eat, but he doesn’t respond. He shrugs them off and as soon as they're back in the dorms, he disappears into his room.
He just wants to sleep.
It’s dark when he wakes up and he doesn’t hear any movement outside which means the other members had most likely gone back to their own dorms by this point. He forces himself out of bed and opens the door as quietly as possible. The kitchen lights are off and so are the living room ones and he lets out a sigh of relief. Making food is the last thing he wants to do even if he knows that he should, but when he opens the fridge he sees a small container that has a note stuck on it. The note is clearly written by Seungcheol and Jeonghan can see his name printed on the front of it.
He takes it out and carefully opens the note.
Jeonghannie, I know you don’t want any of us to worry about you, especially over something like this, but Mingyu insisted on leaving leftovers for you ‘incase you woke up hungry’. If you need something, I’ll be there as soon as I can, just text. - Cheol
It feels silly, but the note combined with the fact that Mingyu made sure to leave just the right amount that Jeonghan normally ate has him in tears. He opens the container and sits at the table, alone, and eats.
It’s not a conscious choice to shut them out. He barely speaks to anyone anymore though. It’s isolating and he hates it, but he has no idea how to make it better. He knows they’re trying to get through to him. The worried glances he catches out of the corner of his eye, the gentle touches he shrugs off, the soft voices outside his door begging him to eat something.
He hates feeling like they pity him.