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Izuku knew the moment that everything began going downhill for him. He knew the moment that his world had stopped spinning at its axis.
It hadn't actually been when he had originally gotten his quirkless diagnosis. No, it had been when he cried in his mother's arms asking her profusely if he could still be a hero. Only for her to not give him a real answer, simply telling him I’m so sorry Izuku over and over as she clutched onto him.
He had felt his world stop then because he didn't need to world's approval to become a hero, but he needed his mothers . He needed his mom's support and he knew in that moment that she would never support him.
Even as a small four-year-old child who had just received some of the worst news of his life he knew that his mother didn't believe in him being able to accomplish his dreams anymore. That her sobs of pure sorrow as she held onto him whispering those words.
And Izuku wished he could say that things didn't continue to go downhill after that but he couldn't.
***
At first, Izuku thought that other than the obvious, his being quirkless didn't affect much else other than his ability to have cool powers to show off to his friends.
But then his Papa had left. He didn't say anything and just up and left in the middle of the night. A single letter was left on his Mama’s nightstand apologizing but he didn't come back.
Mama had tried to tell Izuku that his Papa was simply on a business trip but Izuku had seen the letter. He was smarter than his Mama thought and he knew that Papa wasn't coming back.
He thought that would be the worst part of it but not too long after Papa had left them, Kacchan started acting different around him. More cruel . There was disgust in his supposed best friend's eyes.
Scratch that. There was disgust in almost everyone's eyes when they looked at Izuku. Like they couldn't believe that he could even deign to be in their presence.
And then the cruel remarks came. And not long after that came the fists.
At first, Izuku tried to stand up for himself. It's what a hero would do! They wouldn't just back down and allow themselves to take a hit from a villain! All MIght wouldn't lay down and take this!
But then the hits kept on
coming
and never
stopping
. And when he tried to tell a teacher, they would just
laugh
at him and tell Izuku to stop baiting the other boys. Izuku wasn’t All Might. He wasn't strong enough to stop them.
It hurt , and Izuku couldn't do anything to stop it.
***
It was when Izuku turned 12 that things started to take another turn for the worst.
He had gotten too used to the routine Kacchan had implemented since they were kids, the only change in it was that the punches slowly became stronger and enhanced with quirks.
‘Run.
Punch.
Yell.
Repeat.’
He had gotten too used to it. So of course it was only due time that there be a change to his normally tame routine.
Izuku Midoriya was 12 years old when his classmates started leaving spider lilies on his desk. And it was only a few weeks after that started that they started telling Izuku to kill himself to his face.
Izuku Midoriya was only 12 years old when he started losing his voice.
He was only 12 years old when he went silent. Deciding that using his voice to stand up against his bullies was too much. It only made it worse.
No one noticed. And if they did, they didn't bother to say anything about his sudden muteness other than a cruel jab at it.
Izuku Midoriya was only 12 years old when he gave up.
***
It was two years after that when Izuku's world began to spin again.
It was two years later after Kacchan had told Izuku to kill himself, it was after All Might had told Izuku to give up on his dreams that he began to gain his voice back.
Because Izuku finally had the chance to become a hero.
Because All Might had offered Izuku a quirk, a legacy to hold close to him. And he along with that offered Izuku a chance to achieve his dreams.
And even if his voice was rough with disuse over the two years he had barely used it he still responded with an ecstatic yes.
Izuku Midoriya was 14 years old when he finally gained back his voice.
***
Izuku started gaining his voice back in leaps and bounds when he reached UA. When he got into the hero course.
And nothing could dim down his bright-eyed look, he was at the top of the world.
Izuku finally had friends and they cared for him like he was their family. He had classmates who enjoyed his company, who didn't look at him with pure contempt if he dared to even glance in their direction.
Izuku had fully gained his voice and bright-eyed look by the end of his first semester.
Yes, there had been a few setbacks where Izuku couldn't help but feel his throat tighten, threatening to cut off his oxygen supply but it didn't matter. It didn't get to him.
It didn't get to him when Aizawa-sensei told him that he couldn't be a hero with his attitude at the beginning of the semester. He was right and Izuku had to correct his approach.
It didn't get to him when Shinso yelled at Izuku that he could never understand hardship. That he was simply a spoiled child for thinking so. He was right, Izuku didn't understand what Shinso had gone through, he had been given this chance to become a hero and Izuku simply needed to work harder to get to his goal to truly earn the title.
It didn't get to him when All Might gave him a disappointed look after the sports festival. He hadn't lived up to the man's expectations that had been clearly set out originally. He simply needed to work harder to place higher next time.
It didn't get to Izuku how even after trying to fix his relationship with Kacchan for months how he was still thrown to the curb during their final exam. It didn't get to Izuku because he simply needed to change his approach, he needed to stop pushing Kacchan so hard to become friends again.
It never got to him. He simply needed to work harder, it didn't put pressure on his back that was simply begging to be broken.
It didn't get to him. He couldn't let it get to him.
He couldn't risk breaking again.
***
It was after they had managed to save Kacchan from the league and a few months after class 1-A moved into their dorm that Izuku worked up the courage to join Uraraka and Iida in the common room to study when they asked.
In the end, they ended up discarding their studying and ended up curled up on a couch watching a movie with some of his other classmates.
Izuku wasn't paying complete attention to the movie as he off-handedly jotted down notes on one of the more recent hero fights that he had seen.
It was because of this that he immediately tuned into Ashido’s voice when she had leaned over to whisper into Kirishima's ear.
“ Don't you think Midoriya’s mumbling is kinda creepy?” she whispered, barely loud enough for Izuku to tune into, obviously trying not to catch his attention. But he heard it anyway.
Izuku snapped his mouth shut and quickly closed his notebook. Immediately zeroing in on the moving figures on the screen.
But he still heard Ashido and Kirishima's conversation.
“I don't know bro. I don't think he does it on purpose, it's kinda interesting what he says when he doesn't consciously decide what to say.” Kirishima replies before dropping his voice again. “But it
is
kinda freaky sometimes.”
Their conversation continued on like that and Izuku felt the fragile bits of his voice that he had been holding onto with an iron-tight grip over the past few months slip away and shatter on the ground.
He felt something in him break .
It was like just like middle school again.
***
Ochaco frowned as Deku shot up from his spot on the couch next to her the moment the movie ended, shooting her and Tenya an apologetic smile, muttering something nearly unintelligible about going back up to his room to study.
She knew he was lying though. The look of pure despair that had flashed across her friend's face that had only lasted a few seconds said enough.
Ochaco glanced at Tenya and they immediately had an understanding.
Something was wrong with Deku.
She didn't know what it was quite yet but she would make it her goal to figure it out and fix it. She wasn't about to let her best friend suffer in silence.
He had done so for too long before and she wasn't about to let it go on any longer than she possibly could.
Deku had always been there for Ochaco and the rest of her classmates when they needed it. She would be there for him even if he didn't seek her out specifically
***
It was a few weeks later and Izuku had slowly but surely been talking less and less. It wasn't a conscious decision but every time he had a conversation or simply used his voice in any way there was a voice ( one that suspiciously sounded like Ashido ) in the back of his head hissing at him to shut up. That everything he said didn't matter and no one would care if he just stopped talking .
And well, that's eventually what happened. Izuku talked and used his voice other than to answer questions and even with that he used the bare minimum of words he could get away with.
He didn't even notice that he was doing this. He didn't notice how he would immediately receed back to his dorm once classes ended and spend the rest of the night either hiding in there or escaping and doing laps around UA.
He didn't notice how he was isolating himself away from everything.
But it seemed that everyone else had .
Izuku had been sneaking downstairs when he heard the quiet voices of his classmates harshly whispering something to each other. Almost like they were trying to be quiet but were failing miserably.
Izuku took a deep breath and continued his silent trek down the stairs before quickly turning the corner into the kitchen before any of his classmates got the chance to spot him.
Izuku glued himself to the wall as he silently listened to his classmate's discussion as he crept towards the cabinets to grab a bottle of water when he froze at Urakaka’s soft voice.
“You know, I’m really worried about Deku. Has anyone else noticed he’s been really…
quiet
recently? Like more so than normal”
Izuku bites back a grimace at his friend's words. He knew she was just worried but he didn't realize that she would
notice
how much he had been pulling away. How he just couldn't force himself to talk more than that he had deemed socially necessary.
He should've known better than to assume that his classmates hadn't noticed.
“I have noticed as well!” Izuku feels his ears perk up slightly as Iida's poorly hushed voice. “Midoriya seemed to be acting off these past few weeks.”
Izuku bites his bottom lip, hard enough he nearly draws blood. Had he really been acting off recently? Enough so that his classmates would notice? That didn’t make sense.
They continue to talk like that quietly. He knew that they didn't know he was there but each word sent a spike of hurt through his chest. He knew that they all meant well but that didn't mean it didn't hurt that they were talking about him like this behind his back.
Izuku turned away to creep away from the wall and the conversation and hide back in his room when a disgustingly familiar voice spoke up. One that he hadn't even realized was there .
“Deku’s fine,” Katsuki said, finally speaking up. And from his tone, Izuku could tell that he was annoyed. “Something like this happened in middle school too. You just need to leave him alone and eventually, he’ll go back to the annoying little shit you guys love so much.”
After Katsuki finished the room fell into a tense silence, Izuku silently making his way towards the door that would lead him outside ( he needed to get outside, he couldn't breath ) when the room exploded in sound. Voices clashing over each other.
“HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!” “SO NOT MANLY DUDE” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE?!”
And so on.
Izuku didn't hear their response, having used the commotion to bolt from the kitchen and out the door. Hearing the commotion only raise at the sight of his green lighting.
He couldn't breathe.
***
Izuku doesn't know how he ended up on ground beta but the next thing he knows, Izuku’s coming back into himself running through the faux city. The green of his quirk induced lightning lighting the way as he makes his way deeper and deeper into the city.
Eventually, Izuku finds himself curled up in a cabinet within one of the hundreds of buildings, trying to silence his breath. Trying to calm his mind.
They really think so low of Izuku to think that they needed to discuss him in the middle of the night. Like they needed to pity him for being the way he was.
It hurt. He didn't know why but it hurt so fucking much .
He didn't want their pity. They weren't even supposed to notice that he had stopped talking. They weren't supposed to know .
Izuku really didn't want to know what was coming next. He didn't want to see the worry in his friend's eyes.
He didn't deserve it. He never would.
Izuku Midoriya was 16 years old when he gave up his true voice entirely.
Izuku Midoriya was 16 years old when he vowed that no one would see or hear his silence again. But it wasn't truly him under the mask.
Izuku was 16 years old when he reached rock bottom and didn't even try to pick himself back him. Simply painting on a new mask and walking away in silence.