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“Ugh, my back is driving me crazy,” Yeonjun complained, dropping onto the couch next to Soobin. They were backstage at Inkigayo, awaiting their turn to film. Soobin looked up at him when he sat, round eyes sparkly and wide from the makeup and contacts. “I think it’s these shoes, they’re not squishy enough. When I land the jump, it makes my back seize up.”
Soobin gazed at him sympathetically, putting his phone in his pocket. He’d probably been watching some anime again. “You want a massage, hyung? I know your back’s been bothering you all week, it’s probably not good to just keep ignoring it.”
“Choi Soobin, you are an angel,” Yeonjun espoused. “An absolute angel sent from heaven, a blessing upon my existence.”
Soobin’s ears went red, and his eyes crinkled up in a smile. “You can just say yes, hyung.” He stood up from the couch, allowing Yeonjun to turn over. The eldest tried not to think about how many butts had probably been on the Inkigayo couch as he lay facedown, Soobin clambering over his legs ungracefully to sit with his knees straddling Yeonjun’s hips. Yeonjun let out a groan of pleasure as he felt Soobin’s big hands begin to press into the knots below his shoulders, and Soobin giggled.
“Hyung, you can’t do that, it makes what we’re doing sound so suspicious,” he said lightly.
“What do you mean, suspicious? There’s nothing weird about a dongsaeng giving their incredibly grateful hyung a massage.” The moment the sentence came out of Yeonjun’s mouth, though, it definitely sounded weird. Soobin giggled again.
The door opened, and Yeonjun heard a yelp. He looked over; Beomgyu was standing in the doorway with a hand over his eyes.
“I didn’t see anything, I didn’t see anything,” he cried shrilly. “I’m leaving now, I swear.”
“There’s nothing to see, Gyu, Binnie’s just trying to get this knot out of my back,” Yeonjun grumbled. “Quit pretending like we’re ruining your innocence and get in here.”
Beomgyu looked out from in-between his fingers, then sighed in relief. “Thank God. I love you guys, but we’re not that close.”
Yeonjun rolled his eyes, but let out another low groan when Soobin hit a particular spot on the left side of his spine. He heard Beomgyu make an exaggerated retching noise, but chose to ignore it.
“Anyways, I just came to give you guys your lunches that the staff prepared. They’re on the table, okay? Makesuretouseacondomokaybye!” The last part was so fast and slurred together that Yeonjun didn’t understand a word of it, and the door snapped shut behind Beomgyu as he hurriedly left the room.
“What was that?” Yeonjun asked, sitting up as Soobin stood up to grab the paper bags that Beomgyu had left behind. They were labeled with each of their names.
“No idea, probably just Beomgyu being Beomgyu,” Soobin answered, though his ears were still noticeably pink. He sat on the couch beside Yeonjun again, handing him his lunch. Yeonjun emptied the bag onto the table in front of them; it was very rudimentary, just a couple of sandwiches, some chips, and a bottle of water, but food was food and he wasn’t about to complain. When Soobin unwrapped the plastic from around one of his sandwiches, though, a slip of paper fell out.
“Oh,” Yeonjun said, before he could stop himself. He’d heard of the infamous “Inkigayo Sandwich,” of course, and even experienced a few similar situations himself, but he’d never seen it done quite so literally. Soobin unfolded the piece of paper, took a quick glance at it, and then stuffed it in his pocket without a word and started on his food.
Neither of them mentioned the incident for the rest of the day, and Yeonjun had pretty much forgotten it entirely until he saw a message pop up on Soobin’s phone the following morning. He hadn’t been intending to snoop, but it wasn’t his fault that Soobin had left his phone face-up within Yeonjun’s eye-line while he went to the bathroom. He turned his head slightly, taking a surreptitious peek at the screen.
hey, cutie! im so glad you got my number ;)
Yeonjun froze, spoonful of cereal pausing halfway to his mouth. Soobin was polite and nice, so Yeonjun thought he was probably just keeping the note to throw away discreetly later. He didn’t think that Soobin actually did anything with the numbers he got at music shows and the like, had never considered that maybe Soobin was actually messaging people outside of his group and his small circle of friends.
Yeonjun lived with Soobin, though, and knew for a fact that he wasn’t dating anyone. There was no way that their leader would be able to get that sort of thing by him, because Yeonjun made it a point to be very nosy about his friends’ love lives. As far as he knew, the only people that Soobin ever had over were friends from his hometown, or other idol buddies that Yeonjun occasionally waved to in the living room.
But the exclamation mark. And the winky face. There was no way that was just friendly. That meant that there was only one other possibility, only one logical conclusion that Yeonjun could draw.
Soobin fucks.
And it was sending Yeonjun into a crisis.
He stood up with speed, so fast that he knocked into the table on the way up. He took his half-eaten bowl of cereal into the kitchen and disposed of it, tossing the dishes into the sink. He could deal with it later. Yeonjun needed to get back to his room before Soobin returned, so that he had time to process this before he faced him. It wasn’t even that there was a lot for him to process, per se; it was just that this was an entirely new side of someone that he thought he knew like the back of his hand. It was understandable for him to feel a bit off-kilter, he reassured himself. He and Soobin had promised each other a long time ago that there wouldn’t be any secrets between them, for the sake of the group and for their friendship. Soobin was undoubtedly one of Yeonjun’s closest confidants, so it was only natural for him to be a little taken aback.
Yeonjun collapsed back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had a rehearsal for another stage in less than an hour, but he thought that the managers might forgive him if they knew exactly the kind of revelation he was struggling with. This was Soobin, the kid that he’d known ever since they were both lanky, awkward trainees who were too clumsy for their own good. They’d practically grown up together, at least in most of the ways that mattered, and he’d watched Soobin blossom from a shy teenager to a confident, admittedly pretty good-looking adult. Hell, Yeonjun knew he’d grown and changed a lot, too, and he’d had his fair share of casual hookups and even the odd relationship in the time that they’d known each other. So why had this possibility never entered Yeonjun’s brain even once in the last four years?
Soobin and sex just didn’t go together, he decided. Not that he hadn’t thought about it, of course– didn’t everyone imagine what it would be like to sleep with their best friend, even just once? It wasn’t like that between them, though– that just wasn’t the kind of relationship they had. However, just because Yeonjun didn’t think about Soobin like that didn’t mean that no one did. He was finding that out firsthand.
It was getting late now. Yeonjun needed to get up. As much as the managers liked him, he didn’t think they’d tolerate him missing the rehearsal entirely. It wasn’t helping him to lay here, either; it was mostly just confusing him. He kept trying to imagine the person who sent that text, to think about what they might look like behind the screen. What was Soobin’s type? Yeonjun didn’t even know. That seemed like crucial information to be missing for someone he claimed as his best friend. Was it a stranger, or someone Yeonjun knew? What if it was one of Yeonjun’s friends? Surely they’d have just asked him for Soobin’s number, or maybe that would’ve been too weird. He got out of bed and started to dig around in his dresser for clean rehearsal clothes. He needed to stop this train of thought; he was quickly spiraling into useless theories and conjectures that weren’t helping him at all. Was he overthinking this? Yeonjun was a Virgo, so sue him.
By the time he got in the car, he decided that he would just act normal. After all, most people didn’t have entire existential crises on finding out that their best friends had sex. It was normal, sex was a normal thing to be having. He wasn’t one of those crazy fan girls that went ballistic when they found out that their biases were dating. Besides, even if he did have a bias in TXT it was definitely going to be himself. Soobin was probably a close second, though, and he was honest enough with himself to admit that.
Yeonjun was the only one in the car, besides the manager in the driver’s seat. Apparently the others had gone ahead without him, or had other schedules that meant they were headed to the studio from different places. That was good, Yeonjun thought. The first time he saw Soobin would be in a room with the other three members, who were great at smoothing over any unintentional awkward pauses. Not that there were going to be any, of course, because everything was totally normal.
As it turned out, Yeonjun was bad at acting normal.
Yeonjun was bad enough at acting normal that even Kai picked up on it, giving him a weird look after a particularly awkward comment about Soobin’s ass. Yeonjun didn’t get it; he talked about Soobin’s ass all the time, even in interviews. Why was it suddenly weird now? He knew his ears were red, and decided that the best course of action was to just stop talking. It was out of character for him to be quiet, sure, but it was better than digging himself any deeper into this pit of humiliation and despair that he’d created for himself. They’d get through the rest of the rehearsal without anyone mentioning it, if he was lucky.
Of course, Yeonjun was not that lucky.
In fact, Yeonjun’s luck was absolutely abysmal. Soobin found him, and cornered him in the bathroom while they were on break. He positioned himself in between Yeonjun and the hand dryer, with his hands on his hips like a middle-aged woman.
“Oh, hi, Binnie,” Yeonjun said weakly, with a very poor attempt at a casual tone. “What’s up?”
Soobin did not look impressed. He raised one eyebrow up near his sky-blue hairline, staring Yeonjun down with single-minded concentration. Yeonjun’s wet hands were currently dripping onto his shoes.
There was a long, long pause. A very long pause. There was so much blood rushing into Yeonjun’s face that he was afraid he might pass out, and the worst part was that he didn’t know why. Why was this so embarrassing? It was just Soobin, just his Binnie.
“Hyung,” Soobin said shortly. “You’re being weird.”
“I am not being weird!” Yeonjun burst out. “I am not being weird, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I am being totally normal, you guys are the ones being weird.”
Soobin elected to ignore his answer entirely. “Are you feeling sick? Do you want to go home?”
Yeonjun was feeling sick, but not for the reasons that Soobin thought. “No, I’m fine, Soobin.”
There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere, in Soobin’s facial expression. He shrunk in on himself a little, his eyes dropping to somewhere near Yeonjun’s shoes.
“Did I do something to upset you?”
Yeonjun felt a pang in his chest at the look on Soobin’s face, and the way his voice had suddenly gone quiet and small. He wanted to reach out and touch him, except– well, his hands were still very much wet, and he didn’t think Soobin would appreciate a damp palm print on his hoodie.
“No, Binnie, of course not,” he replied gently. “What made you think that?”
“Oh,” Soobin said. “I just– you never call me Soobin anymore, just Binnie.” His shoulders had uncurled a little and he was making eye contact again, but he still looked uncertain and insecure in a way that Yeonjun hated. He never wanted to make Soobin feel like that.
“No, you were right, I’m sorry,” Yeonjun replied, with a heavy sigh. “I am being weird, it’s my fault. Sorry, I’m just– going through something personal right now.”
“Hyung, you know you can always talk to me about that kind of stuff, right?” Soobin said, sounding hopeful. He was stupidly cute, with his shiny, round eyes, and it kind of made Yeonjun want to spill everything right there. He couldn’t, of course, but it was tempting.
“Yeah, I know, Binnie,” Yeonjun said with a strained smile. “I’ll just– I’ll come to you when I get it a little more figured out, okay? Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
“Okay, hyung,” Soobin murmured. “I trust you.”
That made something churn in Yeonjun’s gut. Soobin trusted him, and Yeonjun had gone and invaded his privacy by reading his text messages. It was just the one, and it was kind of an accident, but still. He probably deserved whatever embarrassment and turmoil he’d caused himself by snooping. He resolved to sort this out, though, before he stressed Soobin out any more. The look on Soobin’s face when he thought that he’d done something to upset Yeonjun felt like it was burned into the back of his eyelids.
Yeonjun was a Virgo, and also an extrovert. Thus, he thought that the best way to solve this problem was to talk to someone. It had to be someone Soobin was close to, he thought, which ruled out most of Yeonjun’s friends. It also had to be someone that he was close to, so that they understood Yeonjun’s exact brand of crazy and would have sympathy for him. That pretty much narrowed it down to just the other three members.
Kai was immediately crossed out as an option. The maknae was loyal to their leader above all else, and the two were so close that it made something green and jealous start growling in the back of Yeonjun’s brain sometimes. Kai would rat Yeonjun out the second that he and Soobin were together again.
Beomgyu was also off the list, but not because Yeonjun thought he liked Soobin better. Beomgyu was an agent of pure chaos, and couldn’t be trusted with a secret to save his life. He’d hold it over Yeonjun’s head to extract snacks and favors, or expose him to the group just to stir the pot. That left only one person.
“Taehyun?” Yeonjun called quietly, after knocking on the younger’s door. He could see the back of Taehyun’s blond head in his desk chair, but he had a pair of massive headphones on and was clearly studying. Yeonjun felt bad, but he also knew that this couldn’t wait.
“Taehyun?” Yeonjun said again. The younger heard him this time, and turned around and slid the headphones off.
“‘Sup, hyung?” He greeted. He paused, taking in the stress on Yeonjun’s features, and then spoke again. “You’re here to talk about why you were being weird earlier.” It was not a question, and Yeonjun’s pride smarted a little; was he really that predictable? Then again, Taehyun was either a psychic or a super-genius or possibly both. Even the fans knew it.
Yeonjun nodded, and sat on Taehyun’s bed without a word. He was thinking a lot, trying to find the best way to approach the topic that still felt subtle and appropriate. Taehyun turned the desk chair to look at him, his wide-eyed gaze and silence a little disconcerting. Yeonjun swallowed, and then decided fuck it. Taehyun had already seen him at his worst, and he doubted very much that this was going to change his opinion.
“Does Soobin… you know, hook up? With people?”
Weird specification, but whatever. Taehyun’s eyes got impossibly wider, the shocked ‘o’ of his mouth nearly comical.
“Well, yeah,” he answered slowly. “He’s a healthy guy in his early twenties, just like the rest of us.”
“Yeah, but…” Yeonjun chewed his plump bottom lip, feeling strangely nervous. “Does he talk to you about it, and stuff?”
“I mean, not really?” Taehyun replied, looking incredibly suspicious. “Not more than necessary, I guess. Why?”
“He just–“ Yeonjun was picking at a thread on his sleeve now, trying to avoid Taehyun’s all-knowing eyes. “He’s never said anything to me. I found out because– because he left his phone on the table the other day, at breakfast.”
“Is that what was upsetting you?” Taehyun asked.
“I’m not upset, or anything,” Yeonjun said quickly. “Just– curious, I guess. It feels like– I don’t know, like he was hiding it from me, or something. I guess I tell him everything, so it feels weird that– I don’t know. He’s allowed to not tell me stuff, I just…” Yeonjun trailed off, pulling the end of the thread and unravelling it.
“Does it make you uncomfortable?” Taehyun asked next. “The idea of Soobin hyung hooking up with people?”
“I mean, not really,” Yeonjun answered, mulling it over. It definitely made him feel something, he just didn’t think uncomfortable was the right word. He was racking his brain for the answer, but coming up blank. “I think I just got kind of thrown off because I wasn’t expecting it.”
“Hmm,” Taehyun hummed. Yeonjun looked up; Taehyun was staring blankly at the ceiling, his fingers drumming on the armrest. There was a short pause before Yeonjun worked up the courage to ask his next question.
“Do you… do you know who he’s hooking up with?”
Taehyun brought his eyes back down to meet Yeonjun’s, and shrugged. “A little bit of everyone, I guess.”
Everyone? Okay, everyone could mean a lot of things. It could mean that Soobin was a man-whore, but Yeonjun didn’t think that was what Taehyun was getting at. “When you say everyone, do you mean, like…”
The younger answered without him having to finish. “Girls, boys… I don’t think Soobin hyung is that picky, honestly. You know how he is, he just likes people.”
Now this was a revelation. This was something Yeonjun didn’t even think he could’ve imagined ten minutes ago, Soobin liking boys. Soobin liked boys. Soobin liked boys, and Yeonjun liked boys, and… Why had he never said anything? All these years of friendship, and he’d never even thought to mention it. That stung.
“He never… he never told me,” Yeonjun whispered. He was hoping that Taehyun wouldn’t hear the hurt in his voice, but of course he knew better. Taehyun knew Yeonjun almost as well as Soobin did, psychic mind-reading powers or not.
“I don’t think he was hiding it on purpose, hyung,” Taehyun murmured. “I’m sure he knows that you’d love him no matter what. He’s probably just– you know how he is.”
Did Yeonjun know? He thought he did, but now he wasn’t sure. He felt vaguely nauseous, and it must’ve shown on his face because Taehyun laid a hand on his knee.
“I think you should just talk to him, hyung,” Taehyun continued. “I’m sure he has a perfectly good explanation, and frankly I had no idea you were even in the dark on this in the first place.”
Yeonjun shook his head. “No,” he replied. “If he didn’t want to tell me, then I don’t want to force him to.” His voice was quivering, just the slightest bit, and it made Taehyun’s expression soften.
“This is obviously messing you up, and if it’s something he can fix he’d want you to talk to him,” the younger said softly. “I think he’d hate to find out that he was hurting you. He likes you, probably more than you realize.”
Yeonjun knew, theoretically, that Soobin liked him. They were best friends. At least he’d always thought that he was Soobin’s best friend, but maybe that wasn’t actually true. He wondered what else Soobin hadn’t told him, if maybe he’d started confiding in people like Taehyun because he was tiring of Yeonjun’s constant chattering and touchy affection but was just too nice to tell him. Hot tears pricked at the corners of Yeonjun’s eyes, and there was definitely a lump rising in his throat.
“Oh, hyung,” Taehyun breathed. He stood up from the chair to wrap his arms around Yeonjun’s shoulders, his cheek settling in Yeonjun’s hair. There was a long moment where Yeonjun just clung to his shirt while Taehyun rubbed soft, soothing circles into his back. Eventually, once Yeonjun’s breaths had stopped shaking so much, Taehyun pulled away to look at him.
“Not now, hyung, but– when your head’s a little more clear, I think you need to have a conversation with yourself about just what kind of person Soobin hyung is to you.” Taehyun’s expression was patient and kind, a wisdom behind his eyes that went far beyond his years. “I can’t remember the last time I saw you cry over a boy,” he said. There was no judgement in his voice, just a quiet steadiness that Yeonjun had always admired about him.
“I know, it’s stupid,” Yeonjun sniffed. “It’s Soobin, I don’t even know why I’m this shaken up.”
Taehyun gave him a wry smile. “I think I do.”
Yeonjun had promised Taehyun that he’d think about it, and he did. The problem was that it was hard to think about Soobin while Soobin was around, and he was always there. It was like Yeonjun couldn’t escape him. To be fair, it was comeback season, which meant that they were pretty much always on schedules together. But he was in the kitchen while Yeonjun made coffee, humming to himself, and he was on the couch watching an anime with Kai when Yeonjun came out to get a late-night snack. He even came into Yeonjun’s bedroom a couple of times, just to lay there next to him and scroll on his phone. It was all terribly distracting.
“You’re freaking Soobin hyung out,” Beomgyu said nonchalantly, munching on a bag of chips outside the practice room. “He says he thinks you don’t want to hang out with him anymore.”
“What, no!” Yeonjun yelped. “No, no no. It’s not that at all, I just…” There was a short pause while Beomgyu scanned his face, and suddenly an evil grin spread over his mouth.
“Ohoho, finally figured it out, have you?” He said cryptically.
“What the fuck, Beomgyu? Stop making that face, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he denied quickly. Beomgyu threw his head back and cackled, long bangs falling away from his face.
Yeonjun shushed him repeatedly, but it was too late. They’d attracted Kai’s attention, the maknae opening the door to stick his head out with a curious look.
“What’re you guys laughing about?” He asked. Beomgyu stopped cackling long enough to point at Yeonjun, and then into the practice room where Soobin sat stretching. Kai stepped out into the hallway, and closed the door behind him. His arms were folded in front of him, and he was glaring at Yeonjun with a pout on his lips.
“What, you too?” Yeonjun huffed. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but it feels like I’m catching shade from everyone today.”
“You are,” Kai told him flatly. “You’re making Soobin hyung sad. He thinks you don’t like him anymore.”
Okay. Yeonjun could tolerate it coming from Beomgyu, because Beomgyu was a shit-stirrer who lied for fun. On the other hand, if Kai was saying it too, then Yeonjun knew it was actually serious. The maknae continued to glare at him, clearly incensed at Yeonjun for the crime of upsetting his precious Soobin hyung.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” he said, trying to pacify Kai. “I’ve just been– I don’t know, thinking about some stuff. I’ll talk to him, I promise.”
“Fine, but in the meantime stop acting like he’s got some sort of infectious disease,” Kai retorted. “He really likes you, even though you’re being terrible to him.”
“Yeah, hyung, get your shit together,” Beomgyu interjected, grinning.
Yeonjun opened his mouth to say something about respecting elders, but he kinda deserved that one. It wasn’t that he was purposely avoiding him, it was just hard to think about Soobin when all his brain could focus on was– well, Soobin. His chest felt tight, though, at the thought that he’d made Soobin unhappy enough to mention it to the others. He hated to admit it, but Beomgyu was right. He needed to get his shit together, fast.
Yeonjun put his AirPods in and turned the volume all the way up on the way home from the studio. He was combing through his conversation with Taehyun, trying to work through his feelings. His mind was lingering the most on the end of their talk, right before Yeonjun had stood up and announced that he was going to go to bed.
What was Soobin to Yeonjun? His best friend, sure. That was an easy one. Soobin was his leader, too, a pillar of strength that he relied on whenever his job as an idol was getting too difficult or draining. But Soobin was also his dongsaeng, and Yeonjun had promised that Soobin could always come to him whenever he wanted someone to talk to. He’d been doing a bad job at that, lately.
What else? There was more, there was always more to Soobin. He was the person that Yeonjun looked forward to seeing the most after their holiday breaks ended, the person that always managed to make Yeonjun’s day feel brighter even if he’d just had the shittiest day of his life. Even looking at Soobin made him feel relaxed, comforted, like he was at home whenever they were together.
I can’t remember the last time I saw you cry over a boy, Taehyun had said. To be honest, Yeonjun couldn’t remember the last boy he’d cried over, either; couldn’t even picture their face. It sounded like he was implying that Yeonjun had a crush on Soobin, that he liked Soobin. It felt foolish to even think about. He’d heard Soobin’s most ridiculous puberty-induced voice cracks, seen him cry over an anime so hard that his face got all puffy like a dumpling. He’d even taken care of Soobin when he’d gotten the stomach flu right after their promotions for “Can’t You See Me”. By all logical reasoning, Yeonjun shouldn’t even be considering it. They were polar opposites, for God’s sake– Yeonjun was about as outgoing and extroverted as they came, and Soobin was a quiet introvert who was also most definitely a weeb. If it was any other boy, the concept would’ve been laughable. But it wasn’t any other boy– sometimes it felt like Soobin was the center of Yeonjun’s world, the one person he couldn’t afford to lose.
The moment of clarity hit him like a bolt of lighting. That’s what it was. That’s why it felt like everything in Yeonjun’s life had turned upside-down ever since he saw that stupid fucking text. He was terrified that he was going to lose Soobin. He was dreading the day that Soobin came to Yeonjun and told him that there was someone else, now, and he didn’t need Yeonjun the same way that Yeonjun needed him.
He got out of the car with hands that shook so badly he fumbled the buckle a few times before managing to unclick it. He knew that the other four were behind him, that they’d see just how desperate he was to get to his room before the inevitable breakdown. There was nothing he could do but shut the door behind him and hope that was a clear enough signal that he wanted to be alone.
Of course, he didn’t really want to be alone. It just felt like he had no choice, because he didn’t want to burden anyone else with his stupid feelings right now– least of all Soobin. But Soobin would know that. Soobin knew him better than anyone else in the world.
“Hyung,” he said quietly. It sort of sounded like a question, like Soobin was asking for permission. When he lifted his head to look up at Soobin from the spot where he was curled in the corner of his bed, the younger boy was standing in the middle of the room. He was avoiding eye contact and pulling at his sleeves. Yeonjun recognized that motion because he did it, too, when he was scared and hurting.
“Soobin,” he murmured. He flinched, like Yeonjun had yelled at him, and he quickly corrected himself. “Binnie, Binnie, come here. It’s okay.”
Soobin shook his head. He still wouldn’t look at Yeonjun. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he said.
For a split second, everything stopped. Soobin knew. Soobin knew how Yeonjun felt about him before Yeonjun had even figured it out himself, and he was here now to politely reject him. The thing that hurt the most was that he knew Soobin would be good about it, would let him down as gently as possible, because Soobin was the kindest person he knew.
“It’s alright,” Yeonjun replied. It felt like his mouth was on autopilot, just saying whatever he could to keep from completely losing it in front of Soobin. He was numb with horror, the shame making his stomach turn. “You can’t help how you feel.”
Soobin nodded, and Yeonjun saw a glittering tear slide over his cheek. “I– I don’t know how you figured it out, hyung, but– I’m sorry. I’m working on it, I promise. I still want– if you’ll have me, then I still want to be your friend.”
“Of course I– of course we’ll still be friends, Binnie,” Yeonjun answered. His words were shaky with the effort of holding back his sobs.
“Okay.” Soobin’s words were so quiet that it was almost hard to understand him now. “I’ll– I can get over it, okay? You just have to– please, give me some time, hyung, and we can pretend this never happened.”
“Whatever you need, Binnie,” Yeonjun said, hoping he sounded as honest as possible. It was true, it had always been true. Yeonjun would be what Soobin needed even if it hurt him. “And… for the record, I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to let my feelings get in the way of our friendship. I didn’t even really understand how much I… like you, until today.”
Suddenly, Soobin’s gaze snapped up to meet his. “What?” He breathed. “L-like me? You mean... like that?"
Yeonjun nodded. “That’s what you meant, right?”
“No, hyung, I thought– I thought you started avoiding me because you found out that I’m in– that I like you, too,” he whispered. There was light in his eyes, naked hope shining behind the tears that had gathered at his lash line.
Yeonjun shot out of bed before he even really knew what he was doing. He was standing in front of Soobin, gripping his wrist like a lifeline. “You– you have to mean it, Binnie,” he said. He was borderline frantic, the tantalizing possibility of Soobin wanting him back making him feel feverish and desperate. He had to know. “You have to– please, Binnie, please–“
Soobin kissed him. He pulled Yeonjun in by the waist, his big hands fitting so perfectly in the dip there that it made Yeonjun melt against his chest. His lips were so soft, so warm, and Yeonjun kissed him harder than he’d ever kissed any other boy in his life– because this wasn’t any other boy. It was Soobin. His Binnie, his best friend, the person who’d been there through all his highs and all his lows, his polar opposite. The boy Yeonjun should’ve known from the start would ruin him.
“Binnie,” he gasped. “Binnie, I think love you. I don’t– you don’t have to, but we promised each other no secrets, and–“
“I love you too, hyung,” Soobin murmured. His lips brushed against Yeonjun’s when he spoke. “I’ve been in love with you since we were trainees.”
Yeonjun pulled away to look at him, to brush away Soobin’s blue hair where it was falling into his eyes. “You didn’t tell me,” he said. It sounded pathetic, even to his own ears, like he was pleading. “Why?”
Soobin gave him a sad smile. “I knew I couldn’t, it would’ve ruined everything. You wouldn’t have wanted me back then, you didn’t need that. You needed a friend.”
Maybe Soobin was right. Soobin knew him better than he knew himself, sometimes. Still, there was something in the back of his brain that told him he would’ve wanted Soobin no matter what.
“The– the sandwich,” Yeonjun said next. “At Inkigayo.”
“Would you believe me if I said I kept that note because I love you?” Soobin chuckled wryly, like he knew exactly how ridiculous it sounded. “I kept hoping that maybe you’d stop me, that you’d get jealous.”
Jealousy. That’s what it was, the emotion that had risen in his throat when Taehyun asked how he felt about Soobin hooking up with other people. Yeonjun was jealous beyond words. Now that he knew, he felt like it was going to eat him alive.
“I was,” he told Soobin. “I am. It drives me insane, now, to think about you hooking up with someone else. God, I just–“ Yeonjun swallowed, trying to rein himself in. “You make me crazy, Binnie, you make me stupid, and irrational, and you have to delete their numbers, please. All of them. Everyone before me. I can’t handle the thought of sharing you with anyone else.”
“I never wanted them, hyung,” Soobin assured him softly. He ran his thumb over Yeonjun’s jaw, fingers curling possessively over the back of his neck. It made Yeonjun shiver. “I wanted you, and I thought maybe if I hooked up with other people it would go away, but– I just kept comparing them to you. No one else was good enough for me, because they weren’t you.”
God. If Yeonjun thought he was going crazy before, hearing Soobin say shit like that was going to make him lose his mind. He didn't know whether to cry or feel ungodly amounts of horny, but decided that he could probably do both. He pulled Soobin in for another searing kiss, his fingers winding through Soobin’s blue hair and tugging. It made him whine into Yeonjun’s mouth, and Yeonjun lapped up the sound like he couldn’t possibly get enough of it. He couldn’t get enough of Soobin, now that he had him.
They broke apart when Soobin’s phone buzzed in his sweatpants. Yeonjun reached around to pull it from his back pocket, hitting “answer” without looking at the caller ID.
“Heyyy, cutie, I was hoping you’d–“
“He’s taken,” Yeonjun growled. He hung up and tossed Soobin’s phone onto the bed without another word.
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Soobin whimpered.
Well. Yeonjun couldn’t reasonably be expected to stay sane after a comment like that.
“Lunch delive– ACK!” Beomgyu shrieked, throwing his hand over his eyes. “I didn’t see anything, I didn’t see anything, I swear!”
Yeonjun snorted. “There’s nothing to see, chill.”
“Oh yeah? I bet Soobin hyung’s collar bones say otherwise,” Beomgyu retorted. He threw the paper bags down on the Inkigayo couch next to Soobin and Yeonjun, hand still firmly pressed over his eyes, and slammed the door shut on his way out. Soobin winced, but Yeonjun just chuckled.
“We’re going to accidentally end up traumatizing him one of these days,” Soobin sighed. He adjusted his shirt quickly before leaning over to pick up the lunches Beomgyu had dropped.
“Oh, please, like he’s never seen a hickey before,” Yeonjun said, grinning. “Besides, it might actually teach the brat how to knock.” He took his lunch bag from Soobin, emptying it onto the table in front of them. To his great surprise, a little white piece of paper fluttered out.
Soobin snatched it up before Yeonjun could even touch it. He stood up and took it straight to the trash can, returning to the couch and straddling Yeonjun’s lap with a rather possessive glint in his eye.
“You’re mine,” he said roughly.
“Trust me, Binnie,” Yeonjun replied faintly. “Wouldn’t want anyone but you.”