Archive of Our Own

Title: Coming Home with You
Category: TV Shows » StarTrek: Voyager
Author: TrekDr
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Friendship/Romance
Published: 01-06-17, Updated: 03-16-17
Chapters: 23, Words: 58,804

Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - Endgame

I sat in the seat that had been mine for 7 years and tried to find the strength to breathe, to be the leader I was, to see the joy in the moment, to give permission for the crew to celebrate. We were, as near as dammit, home! & 7 long years had failed to tell my brain what my heart must have known, that after all this time, home was the people, not the place. Voyager was my home. This was my family. And I had lost it. I had lost him.

I had found joy for Tom, well who couldn't. I was so happy to hear the baby, see the euphoria on his face. My own had beamed a smile so wide that I thought my heart might break for his happiness, and then let him go. 'Mr' Chakotay to the helm indeed. 'set a course for home' . I had waited too long to say anything else. The bridge was gloomy, I had no smile, and I can feel the bridge holding its breath, just wondering.

I can do this. As I prepare to put on the show of my life, draw that beaming smile together, he saves me. Turning round, and locking eyes he tells me to breathe, that we are home now, that we have done it. As if it is the most natural thing that I should have needed a moment to regroup. As I smile at him and then at Harry to the side, I can feel them all breathe and smile back at me.

Bouncing up, I put my best captain's strut to use to be by his side. Hand on his shoulder, we both face the viewscreen and I stage whisper in his ear a thankyou. His hand comes up to mine as he looks up with a smile. Maybe, just maybe, I might not be too late. Patting him, as I have many times before, I laugh and make a more formal thanks to him for his dedication. That from the moment I saw him in the viewscreen I had known we would have a partnership that would be turbulent but forgiving, would be the saving of voyager and also me, that the command team we had created had kept me strong and balanced my risk so that voyager was safe, that I was proud of us, and the crew. That once I had said that I couldn't imagine a day without him by my side, and that still holds true. I hold his eyes, and I hope that he can see that mine are clear and honest. As the moment stretches, I break the tension, as I also tell him that I am not sure whether he will get to fly any more shuttles for me. That draws laughter from the bridge and a wry smile from Chakotay

Turning away, I order Ensign Baytart to draw up a list of all our pilots, so that they each have an opportunity to pilot voyager in this last leg home. I thank all of them. I say the final moment, whether it is docking or landing – I haven't received those orders – will go to Tom Paris. Tuvok estimates a 6 hour journey to the solar system at our current speed of warp 6.

Now I am back in captain mode, I have a big smile, I ask for lights, I ask that Tuvok arranges that all personnel go to their primary stations in 2 hours for a formal tour by the command team of the ship. That we will start in sickbay and proceed through engineering, science, the mess hall, the transporter room where I will meet tactical, and astrometrics before we finish on the bridge. I look at Chakotay for acknowledgement and he nods before returning his gaze to the screen. I ask that the captains assistant meets us in sickbay with a holoimager, for her professional photographer duties. I can imagine the squeak of excitement and the pride she will have on hearing this.

I send Seven back to astrometrics, asking her to use this time to compile headlines of what we know about the borg, and weapons/tactical advantages to beat them. I am not sure that the borg are in any position to attack earth in the near future, but I am not going to take chances. And Seven needs to have something to sell to Starfleet.

Before she leaves I tell her that I will be meeting with Icheb and Sam Wildman there to see what choices we have to ensure his position and happiness. To her question, I respond that I would like to offer him a home, and I think Sam might do to. She looks visibly surprised by this, and states that she believes she should be next of kin. This is a day for surprises! However! I give her my proudest smile and a hug to disarm her. In my confidante voice I assure her of my joy that she is ready to consider motherhood, and that if she and Icheb would both want this, then I would be equally happy. I advise her to consider whether she is ready at this stage. She is young and making huge strides in her personal development and individuality, and I say that I wouldn't want her to commit to anything that might restrict her choices in life now they are so wide open, whether it would be adopted motherhood, or any fledgling choices she may have made romantically. That she should have the freedom now to fly, try new things, find out what it is she really wants. She gives me an uncertain eye, so I wink and say that I was aware of the 'gravimetric' holoprogram and that holoromance with a safe father figure was no real substitute for the edgy excitement of new love. That should keep her on her toes! I quickly move back to Icheb, perhaps she could be an unofficial sister instead, and that I have always felt a deep connection with her, not unlike mother/daughter, and would always be there for her too. There are tears in her eyes as we hug, and she agrees that this is something that she would want. As she turns to leave, it is me she looks at with faith and hope. I am sure I love her too. Damn, if she really wants Chakotay, how can I deny her?

Harry is hardly able to keep still. Ensign Eager to the last. I turn right towards him and as I open my arms he runs in for a hug and swings me around. I am quite sure this isn't captainly behaviour, but I laugh and place a kiss on his cheek. I feel him blush and grin, and need to remember this isn't the schoolboy who joined us 7 years ago but a man grown. The success of this mission is clearly going to my head! When I say this, the bridge laugh. I ask him to plan a party for when we reach our destination. I have made a swift decision that we will spend another night at least on voyager as just us, and tomorrow can bring what it may. I need to make sure that the voyager family know they are my family and have my love. He will also be getting the holoimages from naomi of our command tour, and he can choose the best and proudest ones to release via pathfinder to our family and friends. I just hope someone caught an image of us punching through the damn borg sphere. That is an image I want to see!

I go back to Tuvok. My dear and oldest friend. I put my hand to his face and rest my forehead against his as a blessing and thank him with all that I am.

Now to work. Chakotay, join me in the ready room.

-x-o-x-o-

Notes:

I could quite fit all the story in, so there are some additional sidelines

just good friends- the backstory of Janeways and Parises

s/12336134/1/Just-good-friends

Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - thoughts on the bridge

1. harry

We burst through into the alpha quadrant and I finally look up and see her, my captain, standing triumphant. She holds my loyalty in her heart and I will always be hers. Looking next to her, he isn't there but by seven. I think we both realise at the same time. I hardly hear Tom's baby and his leaving as my head is reeling. I had always thought this would be the moment when the captain and the commander would embrace on the bridge, finally able to make official what we had always known. He isn't even stepping towards her? Why is he staying by seven. Really? Really! If my heart has taken a jolt by this betrayal, what about hers? The bridge is quiet and dark, she orders chakotay to the helm and it feels like it is all over rather than just starting.

2. seven

We are there. I have fluttering in my abdomen, my brain isn't functioning as it should. I am glad he stands beside me. I never wanted to come here. I am going to lose my collective again. I am going to lose my Queen again. Is he enough without her? He will have to be. Why is she looking like she has lost when she has won?

I hear the baby, and a moment of disgust for the wail of the infant. I cannot see such a one in my future. Perhaps an older child to instruct. Tom is clearly overwhelmed, and in the captains joy for him I see regret that she is now too old for such a joy for herself.

She orders and Chakotay leaves without a lookback. Will he always be hers.

1. harry

I am breathing again, somehow they are making it right. They have always made it right for us. Sliding back into their command roles I see her standing tall again, owning us and the ship. She is fire, and joy and strength for me. Maybe all they have is deep friendship, but I can see that neither will let that go after all. He talks to her, and she talks to him, tells us all without telling that she loves him.

Ha! I can see the strategist in her is working it out. She has us all. Skillfully she separates Chakotay and Seven, I agree there is a threat. Chakotay will follow her again to the end of this mission and maybe beyond, and Seven, well Seven needs her and now is realising it. Is the price Icheb, Chakotay or her own heart? All in her caring gravel. She loves us, she needs us, and we will obey.

She comes towards me, and I can see the start of something light in her eyes. Without thinking I grab and twirl her around. We have never stood so close. I have never touched her with purpose! But I know as she laughs that I have earned this right, and as she kisses my cheek and gently disengages from my embrace that I will never say no to this woman. We all laugh at her self deprecating comment. She personifies captain to me, to all of us.

I have a celebration to plan!

2. seven

I grab for people to make my collective here in the alpha quadrant, but she is ahead of me, winnowing them away. I will give her Icheb. How did she know, about Chakotay! Is it just the holo programme. Why isn't she angry, disappointed in me? I look at here and see sadness and love in her eyes, and secrets. But she is offering me herself, she expects me to go beyond what I am. She is always there driving me forwards, to be the most I can. I look at Chakotay, looking only at her. I only exist in her absence. She is right, whatever we had, it isn't enough as she will always be more. I hear behind her words, she is gentle, advising me to move beyond this, and I can do it. I accept she is right. I accept the challenge.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3 - negotiations

I sail into the ready room with pride, revelling in the alpha quadrant stars that whiz past, the starship escort in the periphery of my vision, all expected to confront the Borg, but here they are, our honour guard . How many of them are looking out at us, currently we are only receiving central communications, but I imagine them to be taking images and sending them to news feeds, families and friends.

Coffee, black. Mmmm, the heady aroma closes my eyes and I take a deep breath and smile, savouring that first sip and waiting for the caffeine to blast back into my system I lick and then bite my lower lip and let out a small sigh of satisfaction. My only visible vice! And still so much hidden, since the strength of my coffee would make an Italian barrista weep. I offer Chakotay tea as we regroup. I saw him watching, his eyes on my lips.

I see I have a number of calls pending, Admiral Paris is probably peeved that I summarily dismissed him. I need to start the bartering for my crews future, but with such a dramatic re-entry into the alpha quadrant, I think I have a bit of leeway here. So I start with Chakotay, waiting. It is simple, I would like him to design a voyager pin that every crew member will be presented with as we go round. It's not Starfleet, its for us, the Voyager family: a momento of the inter-relations we have developed over the 7 years, that we are more than just a starship crew. Make it in something lasting, that will never fade, burnish or diminish – make it out of the same stuff as Voyager herself. He smiles at me, full power. Apparently I am full of surprises, this new alpha quadrant me. I tell him that he had better believe it, I now have both delta quadrant Captain power and alpha quadrant freedom. At the questioning eyebrow, I say that I am freed from protocols and parameters, my ship and crew are safe, I can just be and enjoy the last days of the journey. I smile back, a quirky half smile with a question in my eyes. I know he understands what it is, he doesn't know that I understand that he can't say yes. That he has already made a tentative commitment. Damn it. I turn quickly to the vid screen, Chakotay will hear our talk, and make appropriate gestures if I need advice. After 7 years, despite everything, we can read each other's professional mind like a book, even if the personal side has become dim. I give myself a captains point for barrelling on.

Admiral Paris appears. He is smiling at me, remonstrating me for my impetuousness with no real conviction. We both know that. I love that he calls me Katie, just like the old times. I agree that I need to be more circumspect around the stuffier admirals, and give him the essentials of our last few days. I believe the story was even more shocking and dramatic than he expected, particularly the admiral's intervention. He sits back, taking it in, and I press my advantage. Calling him Owen, reminding him of the love between our families, I ask that we do some pre-negotiation on the outcome of my crew. He isn't an admiral for nothing, and he is right back on form. We agree to be honest and forthright. I will accept nothing less than the entire crew given their field commissions, backpay, 6 months of leave and the best counsellors Starfleet can offer. My senior team in particular need people that have seen desperate action, deep space and PTSD. Unfortunately, after the Dominion war, counsellors have seen rather too much of that. There might need to be some negotiation, as some of the admirals are finding it hard to let go of the maquis. As Chakotay alternately frowns and smiles at me, I defend them with all my passion, their 7 year service in Starfleet uniforms, their position on the ship, the dangers they have faced, clearly that should count. Owen is trying to Katie - Katie me. He agrees that there will be a full pardon and amnesty, but we will need to think more about them retaining their field commissions. I tell him he has to think quickly, because I am not negotiating.

I move swiftly on. For Seven, and Icheb, I demand that they should be able to join their families, treated as fully federation members, not as part of research. Owen is shocked that I might even think Starfleet had considered anything else. That gives me hope, and Chakotay smiles again as his drawing takes shape before him. Owen seems shocked again when I say I am hoping to adopt Icheb myself, though there are other candidates who he might prefer. I remind him of the paperwork for all the Borg children I logged when we rescued them accepting responsibility for them until their parents could be identified and they returned, and then the indefinite form I completed after Icheb returned. He smiles at me, and laughs that there is a maternal side to me in there. I give my best quizzical look and retort that I exist in all 5 dimensions rather than a 2D study of a Starfleet captain. It is true to say that Chakotay is struggling to stifle laughter now and beats a retreat to the replicator, where he starts to input his design. Moving on, I ask that the doctor is given sentient status – or at least the ball starts rolling – and he has access to his mobile emitter. That as a recognised author, we should at least start this. I ask that Chakotay and I should be part of the decisions for any redeployment offers for our crew. Owen, bless him, makes a gesture of defeat, and says that he can't even guarantee Chakotay will be in Starfleet.

To show my seriousness, I ascertain that Earth and our families do indeed know of our return. It appears there are hundreds of illicit versions of our spectacular entry. Good. At my command, Tuvok brings Voyager to a full stop, goes to yellow alert, we already have our shields raised, but he agrees to ready the ablative armour and multiphasic shielding and we are ready to go to warp 9 at my command at the previously agreed Mark. Chakotay turns around and mouths I love you. I would grin and answer, but I have my game face nad my full attention on Admiral Paris, who is trying his best, but knows how this will play out. He can't give the order to shoot, and with our shielding, and what he saw of our encounter with the Borg, he will sensibly think there is nothing we can't escape from. It isn't entirely true. He asks me for 2 hours, and I laugh and say 30 minutes Owen, no more. You all knew this would what I would ask for, you just need to confirm I can have it in writing. I have gone from impetuous to a maverick in less than 30 minutes. I disconnect.

I have really done it now! I can kiss goodbye to becoming an admiral, and wave hello to a court martial! I sit before my screen and laugh, perhaps with some hysteria. I PADD to Icheb, Sam and Seven to think about Icheb's future, what my plans would be, and we should meet in, well perhaps 45 minutes. I announce the full stop to the crew as 'waiting on starfleet' but not to worry. I find Chakotay standing in front of my desk with a small box.

From then it as if time is slowed. Everything seems more real, sharper, clarified. I stand and move towards him as he opens the box. I feel my heart beat, this is going to be one of those moments, the moment that helps define who you are, a moment that you remember in all your tomorrows. It isn't a moment of love, though love is there, it is a moment of destiny, of acceptance, of becoming whole again. Inside is a shining tritanium alloy voyager pin, and the case says in recognition of exemplary service to Voyager by Captain Kathryn Janeway from Commander Chakotay and the unified crew of Voyager. My name, rank and the voyager dates are on the back of the pin. It is beautiful, in shape, form and meaning. I can't think of anything I have received more precious as a gift than this. My hands shake, and Chakotay lifts the pin, and pins it to my jacket as he softly says 'my captain' and then wipes the tears I don't notice falling from my cheek oh so gently with his thumb. It seems impossible to do anything else than be enfolded in his arms, crushed against his chest, breathing in the scent that I have grown so used to over the last 7 years. Closer it is intoxicating. I put my arms round his waist and hold on. I whisper of the beauty of it, his skill in seeing what it was that I wanted, that was needed, and then, even quieter perhaps so quiet that it is only a breaths wisp, that I love him still. He doesn't answer, we just stand there, holding on to this moment of perfection, just holding on. I am beginning to believe the maybe of being more than just friends is possible.

Harry's voice breaks this, I have an urgent call from Admiral Paris. Chakotay kisses my hair so softly that I could miss it if I were not so aware of all his movements, it is the lightest brush, like a butterfly wings in the warm summers breeze, but it is there. He lets go, returning to the replicator whilst fielding numerous queries on his PADD, no doubt about our stop and yellow alert, about the party, about our triumphant route, and no doubt to sickbay telling B'Elanna and Tom to be patient, we will be there. And Seven. Almost certainly Seven. Pause that thought Janeway, there is work to do. Back in business, I face the music.

SO not so bad! As I thought, we are going to agree. Owen warns me I have pushed enough for now, and am a whisker away from a posting to nowhere for the rest of my Starfleet days. I laugh, thank him, and the official agreements come through. I notice they were time-stamped much earlier today and roar with laughter at the bluff and deception. Owen reminds me we value more that which we fight for, and sometimes it is good to be aware what we will fight for when the line is drawn. Indeed we do Owen, and now I can turn my mind to a more personal fight. Chakotay is hovering again as I sign off, and I reassure him that all conditions are accepted, and for the second time today I am swung crazilly around in someone's arms! Laughing and whooping like children, definitely conduct unbecoming to the command team.

We are caught by Seven, entering without a call. Placed on the ground I go and throw my arms around her too, and ask for her patience whilst I address the crew. I can hear the cheers from the bridge when I state the full pardons, the retaining of field commissions and pay. I ask Tuvok to continue to home, and to cancel the yellow alert. Seven is clearly puzzled by my exuberant behaviour, she has only known me since the difficult times, but is clearly relieved by the news that she will be able to live with family and have rights as a federation citizen. She looks at Chakotay with possessiveness and states she is relieved that she will not be associated with a criminal and that they can share their good fortune. Stifling a laugh, I am careful not to catch the eye of either of them, this is swiftly followed by a pang at the thoughts of them sharing their lives, and I turn away and initially don't hear her requesting not to share in the parenthood of Icheb. I agree as she states that she is too young for this role, and that sharing life as a friend or sister would be more appropriate. She hardly waits for my approval, business closed, she turns and leaves. We are both left somewhat awkwardly wondering where the conversation should start between us, the physical space between us is too wide again. We have both been separately reminded that Chakotay has made a commitment, though he hasn't shared this yet, and I have no idea how much he might have committed, or how much he might love her.

We start randomly and disjointedly discussing various staff issues, both aware that we have a whole different conversation working its way to the surface. We agree the wording all all the pins, and Chakotay's - his will be the mirror image of mine, and I will pin it on him on the bridge at the end. We agree that maybe mine should be pinned on then too, but I find that I am extremely reluctant to part with it now. It seems silly under the circumstances, but I feel to take it off now, would negate the moment and emotions we shared, so I am given the box. Chakotay clearly doesnt feel the same. Oh this is awkward. Swiftly moving on in best command style, purely professional now, we make some final joint changes on the final report that I have been painstakingly penning since we started to have contact with Starfleet again. How long ago that seems. Another coffee and Chakotay leaves, dismissed, returning back onto the bridge. Maybe I am right back where I have always been.

I feel strangely bereft and unsettled, and so whilst I wait for Icheb and Sam, I take stock. I love Chakotay, I have known this in a very pragmatic way for some considerable time with any passion buried under the best ablative shield plating imaginable, but the thoughts that he might not be by my side shortly, and may be instead with Seven has blasted this armour with the strength of the tricobalt devices on the caretaker's array. I decide that although I love him enough to want him to be happy, even if this is not beside me, I need to maintain our friendship too. I will need to make sure that our easy friendship has a chance to return through our final enforced closeness of debriefing rather than standing either side of a pool of awkwardness. If there is an opportunity to declare my love, I will take it. I cannot believe that he might not have heard me earlier. Whatever the future holds, I will actively seek the joy of friends and family, and love. My time to be separate is over. After our walk of triumph, I am going to let my hair down! It is time to show everyone how a Janeway really celebrates.

Icheb comes in, and tells me sweetly that he has spoken to Sam, and that he would love to be a family member of mine. He thinks Sam will have enough to balance Naomi and her husbands need to reconnect, that they will still be Voyager family. I take him right back to the beginning, and say that Sam will be able to balance this that she has offered him a home because she feels he fits well with all of them. I have offered him a home, because all the tuition we have done together, the homework, the gentle laughter and horror of junior Q has brought us together with a comfortable closeness that I would be happy to build on. I want him to truly choose with a free heart. Earnestly, he assures me that he has also been hoping that we would have more years on Voyager, with me as his closest mentor, and that as mother is beyond his wildest dreams. I smile so widely at him, a heart full of love to share and we practice calling me Mom. He allows me to hug him and it is slightly forced, we will need to practice being demonstrative. The Janeways are all tactile, and as my son - how good does that sound! - he will be practically enfolded. We also discuss his hopes of accelerated entry into Starfleet academy, using all the work we have done to date and his clear aptitude. together we complete the paperwork for an official adoption and starfleet entry, through Owen, asking him to pre-warn my mother that she is, surprisingly, a grandmother again. Now she is the true admiral of my heart!

Icheb is somewhat overwhelmed by the changes in his life today, not just the new quadrant, but a new family and a new future. We hug again, less awkwardly, as we move towards our new family status. I understand his position, after all, today I have not only returned to the alpha quadrant, beaten the Borg with a bit [a lot!] of help, got my crew safely home, negotiated for their rights, but become a mother as well. That Is one hell of a day to celebrate Janeway! I grin at Icheb and we agree that life is good today. In fact, to borrow from the Klingons, today is a good day to live!

With that, I bounce out to the bridge arm in arm with my son, and announce that Cadet Icheb Janeway is on the bridge, to resounding cheers. We take the congratulations of all our bridge crew, agree our joint good fortune, shake hands, accept words of wisdom and finally hug as Icheb returns to astrometrics.

Tuvok, you have the bridge. Commander, walk with me to sickbay? It is indeed time to celebrate.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - starfleet is calling

Admiral Paris

Ah Katie, you have no idea how much joy was in my heart when I saw voyager careen out of that Borg sphere. Many reasons to be joyful, and I tick them off –

1. You are still alive and still a winner. I saw that with the forcefulness of your poise, your complete lack of the appropriate respect to the admiralty. The delta quadrant has changed you, forged you into a true captain, leader and teacher. I pay you every respect, even as I chuckle. I have seen you broken, as I was, and it feels good to see you so proud. I feel a sense of your father, and I quickly send a private subspace communication to one Gretchen Janeway of the photo both of voyager and of you on the viewscreen. I have already sent one to my wife, tho with Tom and the news of a grandchild. It is a good day to be an admiral.

2. Oh yes, reasons to be grateful 2 – you are not the Borg! I need to know more quickly what the potential Borg threat might be, but since you haven't turned around to fight, or barked orders at the other ships and me, I am presuming that might be a topic for later. But we are in no state to win a war with the Borg unless you bring a miracle with you Katie.

3. we are so damned few currently. The dominion war has decimated us of good captains, and too many less than stellar first and second officers have been hastily promoted. This leaves us short of sensible and reasoned heads. Nechayev, Hayes and I are going to be riding you hard Katie, it is going to be testing all the way, because as soon as you arrived we had the ideal figurehead for our plan. You see we need to reinvigorate Starfleet, de-militarise it, re-enthuse it, and we need someone not dragged down by the dominion war and the factions that have appeared since.

Hmm, it's the sign of an old man to be talking to himself. I have given you a moment or 2 to regroup, time to give you a push. 'Ensign Kim, where is the Captain? She may be the hero of the moment, but it is time she started talking, or have you left the Starfleet command?' Ha! She has trained him well, or the delta quadrant has, he isn't phased at all!

-0-0-0-

Icheb

I am a person of few words, most comfortable with my ex-Borg siblings and Naomi. However, I consider myself friends with Junior Q, who is very different indeed. I wish here were here to give me advice on the alpha quadrant. I am not sure what my place will be here, though I hope to continue training at starfleet academy. I am not certain though who I will continue to meet, and I would miss Seven, B'Elanna, Commander Tuvok and Ensign Harry, who have been training me. I will miss the Captain, who provides steady encouragement, and embodies for me the best of starfleet. It is with some trepidation that I consider my future, so I am sitting, commiserating, with a tearful Naomi, when she gets the message about being the Captain's Assistant on the grand tour. As expected she is laughing and jumping with delight. All her dismay over leaving Voyager, and meeting the stranger that is her father disappears in an instant. I amend my inner list of the captain's good qualities, and add percipience. She has given Naomi, my friend, a way of easing into the alpha quadrant, of revisiting all her Voyager friends, of remaining part of a whole, allowing Sam to openly celebrate. The captain is special to me. From the moment we came on board, she has looked out for the Borg children, grieved when the baby wouldn't thrive and died, and she certainly missed all of the others as they left. I am proudest of her saving me. She willingly gave me to my family, although Seven objected - agreed with cause as it turned out - but when she realised that they didn't plan to keep me, but give me back to the Borg, it was a sacrifice she wouldn't countenance. I treflect on all the strong women on the ship that I owe my current life to, Seven and the Captain in particular. I will miss them when I start formally at star fleet academy. I hope I can complete the accelerated programme, as the work I have been doing on voyager has been very advanced, and all my assignments have gone well. I hope that I can remain close to the Captain, Seven and Naomi above all.

I let Naomi's voice wash over me, until I am aware that Sam has joined her, asking me to help make an important decision. I am stunned that both she and the Captain would wish to formally adopt me, and surprised that Seven doesn't. I know I would be happy with either choice, but as I look at Naomi, I am not unaware that I hope to see her as more than as sister in the future, and I am nervous of meeting Sam's husband . The captain, however, is someone I admire very strongly, who has been a mother to all of the ship, and will certainly have more need of me. It is logical that I consider the Captain as my parent. I know that Seven doesn't see me anymore as her concern, all her time has been filled by thoughts of Chakotay, from that hologram to the real thing. Without Chakotay, the Captain will need me. I can be her family. My decision is made. I hug and thank Sam for all her care and consideration, laugh with a disconsolate Naomi, and advise her we can have sleepovers and be cousins instead. I think Sam is relieved and guilty at the same time. I will proceed to find the Captain and tell her of my choice.

-0-0-0-

Admiral Paris

Tsk tsk Katie! And yet I am proud of you. Fancy thinking you could negotiate with me on the sly! We have already planned the outcome, Nechayev, Hayes and I. I wonder how far you will go? I am glad that there is some mistrust there tho, not taking things at face value. How much you must have welded this team together to fight so hard for all of them. As we discuss counsellors, I see from your eyes that you might have the greatest need of all. Counsellors are still in short supply, but I think I can wangle Deanna to help you, and the commander. Your treatment of Riker in your student days will pique her interest, if nothing else. But it reminds me that this triumphant crew is one that has suffered loneliness and loss, danger and treachery over the last seven years. I will help you keep them safe Katie. Nechayev and I have a play over the Maquis in progress, she still needs to be careful to hide her sympathiser views so that no-one can suspect how much materiel and information she passed on to the maquis before the war began. I can see that she and Katie will get on well once they get over that bit of play-acting to come.

Ho Ho! Katie my girl! I didn't expect that! It has caused absolute horror at Starfleet central, that a captain should hold their ship ransom! Well, your name is certainly known now. Maverick, or negotiator, you have just made yourself the prime candidate for the role that we might otherwise have had to engineer some situations for you. Oh Katie, you make my heart sing for the future of Starfleet. Nechayev has thrown some attitude around, Hayes has appeared to bumble, hesitate and slowly deliberate, and we have agreed to your demands, with the proviso of us debriefing you, and high level counselling. I am happy with your time reductiton, it allows us to get this all done swiftly without much in depth probing from some of the more, well, martially minded admirals. They will see you as one of them, and be surprised when it is too late.

I spend most of that thirty minutes talking to Tom and B'Elanna, we have a lot to talk about, and when we meet I want Tom to know how I regret what I was to him, and perhaps talk about it so we can move on. I am so proud of him. I have a smile of delight every time I look at him with his family.

I feel slight regret for playing with you, Katie, so make sure you are aware of this when the pardons go through to you. You laugh with me, and I know we are going to make this work. We disconnect, both to make out play. When Tom starts his next pool, I am going to bet on you heading up Starfleet one day, but probably from space!

-0-0-0-

Seven

It is unexpected to see the captain and commander behaving like junior ensigns. They do not notice my arrival, and so I affect an expression of surprise. I notice that their gaze is just for each other, and I wonder that when he puts her down, whether he might give her a kiss. I act swiftly, making a noise, and they immediately break apart. The Captain's expression of joy doesn't change, and she comes at me and hugs me too. I look quizzically at Chakotay to explain, but he is looking away and stroking his ear, a sign I recognise. I understand that the Captain, as always, is successful in her negotiations. I congratulate her on her efficiency, and reassure Chakotay that his lack of criminal status means we can continue our association, ro our good fortune. I inform the Captain that I do not wish to take responsibility for Icheb, and would prefer a lesser relationship. I leave to return to astrometrics. In truth, I do not think Icheb is conducive to beginning a new relationship with Chakotay without the support of Voyager. Meeting Icheb there, we agree that his choice of the Captain is logical, with her support his career will be facilitated and he would not be suitable for my prime responsibility now we are leaving Voyager. From the way he looks at me, I wonder whether I have made a mistake in my deductions, that I have been derelict in my duty here? I smile, and say that I will always be available to comm, and we may well work together in the future given his aptitude.

-0-0-0-

Icheb

I have seen a side of the Captain, no Mom, that I did not expect. That loving, quirky maternal demeanour on the bridge? Well, somehow, when she hugged me for the second time, it felt real. I have a real Mom, one who will love me, will fight for me, and although I will share her love with all the voyager crew, and no doubt waifs and strays of the future, I know she will always be there for me. Underneath all that power exterior, that lightening intelligence, is a warmth that I realise now that I need. As the crew cheered and congratulated us, she whispers to me that it is she that is the lucky one. I am beyond honoured to be part of her family.

Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - visiting sickbay

As we descend in the turbolift, I decide that we might as well start in alpha quadrant mode. I tell him that, at some point we will need to sit down, away from all com badges and communications, with a bottle of jamesons / antarian cider and just talk. I don't know whether we should do it now, after counselling, or whenever you and I feel actually ready for some straight talking, whenever you are free – the last said somewhat wisfully. I have my hands on my hips, and a worried or determined look on my face. In the ensuing silence, I catch myself fiddling with my combadge when he looks at my hand. I whip my hands back down, and ball them at my side. His eyes are giving nothing away when he asks if it will include dinner, or just dutch courage. He murmurs my name like an endearment and asks what I would be so afraid of hearing. Dammit! I pinch my nose and with some asperity remind him that I have no fear! Just that we might be more able to discuss well, the things we have left unsaid. 'Ahh', he says, 'box up our lives to move on with no encumbrances'. Startled, I look up. When did we get so good at misunderstanding? 'No Chakotay, I have no wish to box up and move on, just to understand, apologise while I have the chance, be a friend'. Sigh. The turbolift doors sigh with me, and Chakotay sweeps out, stiff backed with an apology accepted. Ok, so that didn't go so well. As we briskly walk to sick bay – in fact, it is his brisk walk, and nearly a trot for me, damn him, I take the opportunity to peep up at him out of the side of my eyes. What has got him so rattled. I stop, and after a few steps he stops and turns to face me again. 'Chakotay' I breathe at him, 'please, after all there has been, can't we try at least for friendship?' I see him tense again, then breathe out and smile at me, 'if that's how you want to play it.' I so nearly roll my eyes at this and can't stop a small quirk of my lips, and say 'no, I don't want to play anything, I just want to talk and listen'. He gives me a bemused, unbelieving look and we return our course to sickbay. Hmm, make that several bottles then and we had been doing so well.

As we enter, there is a cacophony of noise, hitting like a wall, I turn and grin at Chakotay and suggest to him that maybe we should make our escape! Linking his arm with me, he responds that we can face the Borg, the Hirogen as a team, so one part Klingon baby and her mother should be manageable. I snort, as B'Elanna shouts out that she heard us, calls Chakotay a P'tak and draws us to her to coo and adore her beautiful baby. Tom and B'Elanna are clearly besotted, in love with each other and their new daughter. 'May I ?' I pick up the baby from B'Elanna, 'and who do I have the honour of holding in my arms?' I query as I kiss her downy head and smell the delightful newborn aroma. My head whips up with surprise as I hear she is called Miral Kathryn Paris Torres. I am indeed honoured, and I feel my face softening into a smile. I perch on another biobed holding her in my arms, declaring her beauty, how wonderful she is, congratulating B'Elanna and Tom and murmuring sweet nothings to Miral. Chakotay swings himself up beside me, holding out his arms for Miral, and whilst clearly being begrudging, I hand her over. Our hands and arms touch as we gently pass the baby between us, as well as a smile. There is something very intimate in the gesture between us, and I suddenly wonder if part of my keenness to adopt Icheb wasn't only for Icheb, but that I have lost the chance of a child of my own in these seven years. Dammit, If there isn't a blurring of my vision, I will not cry! I laugh as I quickly finish passing on Miral, and explain that my emotions must be all over the place today! Chakotay feels far too close, the sight of him holding a child so close and whispering to her, kissing her forehead, and my fragile self-control takes another wobble. I hop off, and with a bit of a sashay in my walk, skip across to B'Elanna and draw her into a warm embrace, and then Tom, and then, to his surprise, the doctor.

The doctor starts to tell me in his usual interminable, self-aggrandising way how he delivered the baby and saved the day. I can hear B'Elanna huffing and chuckle. 'Doctor, I have no doubt that you performed the delivery exceptionally, and with great dexterity, considering the trajectory of Voyager through the Borg hub and then the sphere, just as only someone with the fortitude of a Klingon could have delivered in such circumstances, without the support of her husband. I am also proud of Tom, who kept full control of voyager during this time, so that here we are, all safe and secure. In fact,' I say as I pull them all into an embrace, 'you could say that only this team, this Voyager family, could have pulled this off!' Giving a dancing step, I ask with my best demure, from beneath the lashes look, whether they have finally settled on godparents? 'Kathryn!' Expostulates Chakotay! 'Hey! That is sneaky!' . Tom raises his hands in surrender. B'Elanna grins, and tells us that all three of us will share the honour, if we want to. We do, indeed we do. Chakotay starts to talk to 'Lanna and Tom about a ceremony he would like to do, and I take the doctors arm, walking him away whilst I congratulate him on a job well done until we are in his office.

Straight to business then. I put a proposition to the doctor, I want to have a patient conversation witih him, ask a few additional questions about crew members, and then potentially delete this from his holo-memory, I want his express permission. He is surprised. I reassure him that he will not object to our discussion, but I want to ensure that it is completely private. He flaps his hands, and then looks at me, smiles and agrees. He hopes that I am very dextrous in hiding the deletion, or alteration. We set to quickly, and he is less surprised than I thought by my enquiry. It turns out that my functional ovarian reserve is very high for my age, that all the exposure to a variety of noxious stimuli hasn't obviously compromised my germ cells, and I should have 5 years of fertility left, but this can't be guaranteed. A vitamin and hormone boost should help things in the next 6 months, and we call this a top up of my contraceptive boosters since they were overdue, into my records. As I smile at the doctor, I admit that a child now would be potentially a career disaster, but accidents do happen, if we are lucky. He smiles sadly at me, and suggests I will need more than luck. After asking, he says that it isn't due to Chakotays boosters, also overdue, but Seven. We are bound by our mutual understanding of loss. Seven has up to date boosters, unnecessarily so, says the doctor, as her Borg implants, which keep her running it maximum efficiency, take care of hormonal variation as well, disrupting the menstrual cycle more completely than any contraceptive could. He also tells me of the removal of the failsafe. I am horrified he could do this without discussion with me, and he admits it was because he had hoped she was responding to his declaration of love. We hug, and I re-edit our time, to show I have asked him about boosters and a vitamin and headache supplement. Laughing as we leave, I ask him to be ready to administer lots of detox tomorrow!

As if on cue, Naomi skips in with Sam, and immediately the baby is passed on, with naomi cooing over her Voyager sister. Chakotay enquires, and I murmer, the usual headache after temporal shenanigans and Borg, and I want to be at my best for the crew and the party. I pull my best smile, and ask whether he is ready to present some Voyager medals? A quick foray to a replicator, and there is one for the doctor, the Paris-Torres family of three and Naomi, we agree that Sam should have hers in science. I move to Naomi and ask if her mother could have the holoimager, and we take photos of Miral with Naomi, Miral with her parents, Miral with the doctor, Miral with me and Miral with Chakotay, and then Miral with her godparents until Miral has very definitely and very obviously had enough, and with a good pair of Klingon lungs and a bright red angry face, insists she is passed back to her parents. Lanna tenderly lifts and kisses her, and shushes her quiet as she starts to feed. We are all silent as we appreciate the joy of parenthood and new life. Sam captures that too.

Sam then turns to congratulate me. Three sets of eyes swivel round, and I admit that I have become a mother too, or nearly. Shock is on all their faces, and I notice them all surreptitiously eye Chakotay too whilst he has his back towards us at the replicator. I confess it is Icheb that I am adopting, and I am sure I am not imagining some disappointment along with the congratulations. B'Elanna thinks I may have taken the easy route to motherhood, and I stand for some good natured ribbing. I call this to a close by saying that not everyone is as lucky to have married their life-partner in the delta quadrant, and that maybe for the rest of us, the alpha quadrant may be more forgiving. Tho for some of us, the rampant pace of time may mean that shortcuts are the best. This was probably a bit too close to the truth, so I shrug and say that I am hoping to cuddle and godmother many more voyager children over the years, and that I will always be on the babysitting rota. When I think about this, I know that this, too, will satisfy me, and mothering by a step away a whole generation of ex-voyager babies will be a joy and a privilege, and I again smile widely with joy as I hug tom and Lanna, whilst Naomi takes the picture. This is certainly one for my album. Looking up from meeting their eyes, I see the doctor looking sadly on, I invite him and Chakotay in for a further picture before we move onto the presentations, and both of them squeeze my arm for comfort.

I move to the front and ask all the crew bar B'Elanna to stand to attention at parade. Sam has the holoimager and records chakotay hand me each medal, as I proudly pin it to my wonderful crew's chest. All except Miral's, which goes to her mother for safekeeping. The Doctor's will only work with his mobile emitter on, but BE'lanna promises to fix him one on his holoimage. I bring them to parade rest and there is a further image taken before the holoimager is passed onto Naomi.

It is time for our walkabout of honour around our ship. B'Elanna brings me up short, and asks if I was really going to hand out medals in engineering without her. Grinning, I agree that I wasn't. and going to the replicator, it gives me a baby wrap in engineering gold as well as a uniform for B'Ellana appropriate for Miral to change into. Tom slaps me on the back, and says he needs a head start with B'e before we catch up as they move out. The doctor at a run gives B'Elanna a hypospray to carry too. We have been very lucky to have had such a wonderful EMH, and I thank him again, following with a hug – captured by Naomi.

'Janeway to Kim'

'Kim here'

'remember best images only for pathfinder and admiral paris, those that we are happy to be used as official images for the rest of our lives, any doubts, don't forward!'

'copy that Captain…. Err, your mother thinks you look good with a baby'

I sigh and say that I am relying on his judgement, not my mothers

Ok command team, I look at Chakotay and Naomi, it is time to ship out. I formally shake the hand of our EMH [image] and he then salutes me [image].

We move out of the sickbay, leaving the Doctor at his station.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6 - the threesome plot

Amiral Paris

I sighed as I switched the vid on again, there was tom, with his wife and child. My almost daughter, Katie, had given me the best gift again. Last time, she had given me a second chance at life through her forgiveness. This time she has given me back my son, had made a fine man of him, a Starfleet leader, and a family man too. I owe her. I really do. By the time the rather harassed EMH Mark 1 has opened the channel, I am ready to find out what personal as well as professional meddling I can do to her benefit

This was our second conversation, the first had been short and emotional. Recording to show my wife, I had spoken my first words with my only child for over ten years. 'Tom, I am so very proud of you, and so sorry that I let you spend all those years without my blessing. Please, let me have a second chance, and if not me, let your mother'. They were from my heart, and Tom had responded in kind so that soon we had been laughing, crying and being roundly abused by a demented Klingon new mother! I had not expected such colourful language from such a beautiful woman.

this time, I just laughed. 'Sorry Tom and B'Elanna, I just can't stay away!' This is the very best day. 'Show me Miral again, and tell me how I can ever thank Katie enough.' I am surprised, between the cooing over the baby, and the sotto voce whispers between them, that they think that actually Katie needs, really needs to be allowed to love again. They have a candidate, but apparently Katie has been rather parameter driven here. I imagine that her history is against her, and I doubt if either of the young lovers in front of me have any idea of what she has been through in her past. There is the need for her to call the shots, demonstrate she has got the crew home safely, and then, they think, after a rest, that all the crew – or most of them – will want to go back to voyager again, and follow Katie to the ends of the universe. Katie, I am told, will need to fight to do this. I query whether one end of the universe isn't enough already, and they respond that a safer one for a generational ship would be appreciated. Hmm I whistle! Well, lets see what Katie comes up with nearer the time. I wonder how I can tie this in with what we need from them. It should be fine. If Katie has her eye on a man, I am sure she can capture him without my assistance.

As I am about finish the call, Harry runs in and bursts out that Chakotay and Seven appear to be an item. From the gasps around me, I am suddenly aware that this is a more dramatic announcement than I thought. In fact, being rather fluent in Klingon, I am aware that this is the candidate for Katie. Well, she might need my help after all. I doubt it though.

2. Harry

Tom and B'Elanna are shocked with my announcement. In fact, after roundly cursing, B'Elanna refuses to believe any of it. After all, why stick by her side all this time, and then date Seven, beautiful, intelligent and young, ah it is young, and a civillian she groans! B'Elanna curses herself for being pregnant, for reminding chakotay of the need for children and as she puts it that way, It doesn't seem so unlikely. It is guaranteed to break the Captains heart: her best friend who she so clearly loves, and her surrogate daughter protegee an item. My loyalty will always be first to the captain. I barely notice Admiral Paris, and turn to Tom. He does believe it, I think he might have known, and shrugs and says that it might have worked in the delta quadrant, but maybe not now. He shocks me by defending Chakotay for reaching out for comfort.

' So, what shall we do? I ask'

We agree that every time we match make, we drive them further apart. That perhaps this time, we should not try and force things, though maybe we will need to support them. Their game of love has been too complex for me. B'Elanna is sure that now that they are in the alpha quadrant, as along as Janeway gives the commander some sign or chance, that it will work itself out. She says Chakotay is honourable but contrary tho, and if we interfere, he could entirely buck against fate. I finally understand the Captain's near commiseration with me after my love was lost. She had already lost love twice, and circumstances had left her unable to accept love for the third time. I will be there for her in friendship, service whenever she needs me to be and in whatever role.

Miral gurgles, waving pudgy hands and I am struck by how beautiful B'Elanna looks, and how proud Tom is as they look back down at her and smile,.We move onto laughing and joking about their lives now as a staid family. I hint that I would like to be a godparent, but they tease that until I make lieutenant, I don't have the right gravitas. We start to plan the best party that voyager has seen, making the programme here for me to adapt on the holodeck. Tasteful to start with, and then it will morph into something more like a rave through very gradual transition. When I query this, and whether the Captain would be pleased, Tom gives a shout of laughter and says that the Katie he grew up with could out drink and out dance anyone of their acquaintance. I hadn't really thought about whether they had known each other prior to Voyager, and neither have made much of this if they had. Clearly there is quite a bit of history to extract that I had never been aware of. Curious. Tom also adds that when any male has seen Katie dance, the way she can, they will all be eager to dance with her, and he can't believe Chakotay will be able to resist. 'resistance is futile' murmurs the doctor and moves away again. I'm not sure that the Captain will stay late enough and, well, dance in the way Tom is suggesting. He winks, and says as long as B'Elanna approves, he can get the Captain to dance, it just takes the right amount of challenge and dare.

Tom says that we need to let her let her hair down, and he's relying on me to get back up troops to make sure she enjoys herself, with or without her first officer. We both know that we won't need to do much persuading. In seven years, all of us have had a waxing and waning crush on the captain, including many of the women. In fact, it is only the knowledge of her protocols and parameters, and determination to get us home which has saved her from many a blurted admission of love, oh, and the watchful gaze of the first officer, both of which might now be less of an issue. As one who has also had his mind on the Captain, I am not sure that she hasn't known. The suggestion that we might want to help the captain loosen up a bit might be more dangerous than an away mission! Beautiful as seven is, she just doesn't capture the depth of the heart that the Captain does for me, and we all know how much I have lusted over seven over the years! I blush beautifully, and B'Elana snickers. Tuvok calls me back to the bridge, as the command team are preparing to leave the bridge. A final kiss for Miral and B'Elanna, and the biggest hug for Tom, and I am off at a half run.

3. The doctor

Sometimes, when you are a hologram, and people are used to your presence, you get to see and hear more than they think. I had no idea that Seven was dating Chakotay. I had held out the hope that removing her failsafe would allow her to love me. The Captain and I have both been blinded by our assumptions regarding the first officer. For me, I could delete this emotion and lessen my humanity, but the Captain will bear it as an additional burden. My joy and pride over delivering the young Miral is somewhat tempered by these new revelations. I fuss around Miral and lieutenant Torres, checking their observations with my tricorder, and reassuring all is well. I already know that Lt Torres is going to be racing back to engineering as soon as she can. I wonder what my future will hold.

The Captain messages me that she has started the ball rolling for me to be confirmed as a sentient independent being with rights, and that she will always fight my corner. I am grateful and not surprised. It is many years since she was convinced of my individuality and sentience, and she has been very generous with the mistakes I have made along the way. I realise that Harry is right, like most of the crew, she has my heart and undivided loyalty. In her message, she suggests she needs to have an off record discussion. I am not sure how you can have an off record discussion with a hologram! however, i know i will agree to whatever it is she desires at this moment. Humming 'nessan dorma', which seems somewhat appropriate, i prepare for the captain's arrival.

As she bursts in with Chakotay, Miral is wailing and Tom is dancing about, helping no-one. I note that the Captain doesn't look at all dejected, or heartsick. In fact she looks triumphant and in control. As she picks up Miral, who almost instantly settles, it is clear that the Captain is, as always, the master of this ship. I watch them watching her, and agree with Harry again as all three eye her with love. Lt Torres is uncomplicated with her affection for the captain, it wasn't always this way, but years of facing engineering problems and wresting success from failure have brought them a clear understanding of each other. Even the Cardassian error of mine seemed to bring them closer together in the end. I wish I had been as accomplished at humanity then as i am becoming now, as i would have been able to see what horrified both of them, and something of the history that would help bring them together in preparation for their Sto-vo-kor experiences. They are sisters, comrades in arms, and much closer temperamentally than is initially perceived. And with that thought, I have another thought about both Lt Paris and the commander and their complex relationships. Hmm, despite the terrible threesome determining not to meddle, it is clear that this is a group of 4 have many inter-linkages, both known and unknown history weaving around them, and are stronger together and deservedly so. The love running between them, and the emotions of the room are so strong that i find myself babbling to break the tension. My heart goes out to the Captain and I hope her course runs true, so that she can bring us all safely home as a family, not just as individuals.

So when the Captain asks for my help, it is a given. And when Naomi comes in, I am aware both that something has been changed, but also that i have willingly agreed this, so i make no effort to determine the cause. I am overwhelmed with the presentation of the voyager pins, and proudly accept mine with honour. photons be free indeed, I know that the captain views me as an individual with all the rights of the rest of her crew. As soon as i can, I will be printing out the holoimage that Naomi takes of us, and proudly sending it to Reg. When they have all left, i reactivate in the holodeck, I have my orders from Harry to get started there! Whilst I work, I have a screen on linked to the holoimager, so i can see all the procession. I play music from Aida in the background. On impulse, I send a PADD message to Seven, asking whether she has time to learn a celebratory song for this evening, in case we get a chance to sing it. She may well need additional support, and I am volunteering. This will be a night to remember, and I will be definitely dancing with the Captain.

This was a tricky chapter to write, and might have some revisions, but the next one is desperate to be born, so i have just had to punch this one through for now.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7 - captains rules

Naomi is chattering away as we walk down the corridor, running ahead and taking pictures of Chakotay and me. I let my hand drift against the walls, like I have on so many midnight walks feeling the comforting solidity, the coolness on my fingertips. I am connecting with my ship, talking to her, thanking her. All my senses are on high alert. My nose is full of the smell of newborn baby, my cheeks remembering the fuzz of hair resting against them, and my lips sense still her oh so soft skin. My ears can still her ahead of us, so I smile.

Chakotay politely coughs to catch my attention, and asks where I have been travelling too whilst naomi giggles. Seemingly I have missed a cue to answer a query, and this time he isn't helping me out. Smiling naughtily as one caught out, I claim to be remembering the number of times I have been down this corridor to see whether my first officer has crushed himself when he has crashed a shuttle! 'Oh no', he says, 'your eyes were gentle rather than sparkling and animated, so you were thinking of something much softer'. He shakes his head at me for bringing up his woeful record of shuttle crashes, and pulls a mock fierce look about it. Ruefully, I admit he is right whilst trying to keep a straight face and a humble expression tho i think my eyes might give it away. Both of us are enjoying the banter. I admit I was thinking of 2 different soft, small things. One who is now taller and my assistant, and another who has yet to make her place with us, but I am sure she will. I feel rather wistful that voyager has had so few babies over the time, though in truth, it has not been the ideal nursery. I say that i was thanking the ship for her strength and safety, so the two beautiful daughters of Voyager could be born safely. I watch Naomi raise her chin with pride - a habit she may have taken from me. In my mind i consider that in safer waters Voyager could be a generational ship, and I secretly imagine this, with maybe some dark haired children running about it. In my minds eye I watch them run ahead of us, perhaps three of them, with their father chasing. Naomi giggles loudly and tells me I have drifted off again. I tell her it is the captains prerogative to be pensive at the end of her mission. I don't risk a glance at Chakotay, well aware that the yearning in my heart may well be visible to one who knows me so well. I suddenly wonder whether his dating Seven was in part due to a need to have a family and create a home, and he was grabbing what looked like a diminishing chance. Perhaps he also has seen children running ahead of him down these corridors. I look up to him, and place my hand with compassion on his chest in new understanding. The command roles have meant we have both made many sacrifices.

Since we are hot on B'elannas heels, we stop to let her organise engineering, and Naomi asks me about other captains rules whilst hopping from foot to foot. Well, I say slowly, quirking a grin to chakotay, one of the nice things about being a captain, is that you can keep some things to yourself. He chuckles, and responds that I have often used this to my advantage, and that he thinks this is unfair. Also that this isn't one of the three cardinal Janeway rules for captaincy! I throw him a surprised look and ask 'who has been spreading my secrets about?' in mock captains order voice, hands on hips in the bridge pose. I risk sneaking a peak at a giggling Naomi, who is hiding her mouth behind her hand as chakotay recites rule number one - 'as a captain you need to keep your shirt tucked in', so I make a big play of checking my shirt is indeed tucked in with Naomi also checking, and taking an image of me properly dressed with no shirt showing. I love the opportunity banter with Chakotay, as we have done over the years, and to play with Naomi, it has been precious over our last seven years, and i want to make the most of our opportunities on the final days of this mission to enjoy all the crews company. Naomi is special to me though, our first Voyager baby, and a child to all of us. She hollers that she knows the next one, so chakotay and I mirror each other's listening faces as she tells us that a captain should go down with their ship. I mock shudder, and agree that this one is true. Luckilly, patting Voyagers sturdy walls, our ship is still here, and I plan to land her rather than go down with her. Chakotay coughs and rather smugly says he went down with his ship, well, more or less. He stands proud and struts captain-style as he begins to recite. Naomi is entranced as he tells her a wildly dramatized and heroic version of crashing the Val Jean into the Kazon warship to save Voyager. He has always had a skill for storytelling. She hangs breathlessly on his every word, and I borrow the holo-imager to take this image. I remember an angry warrior in his maquis leathers, and how we had worked together well from the start, and i agree that it was heroic. I visualise his arrival on the bridge and hurriedly shake myself out of this reverie, whilst chakotay smirks at me. Damn him! i bet he knew what I was thinking! time to concentrate a bit more on the present. Grinning at chakotay, I tell naomi that he was a brave and angry warrior, and that how could we do anything other than rescue him at the last moment to join us.

I admit to Naomi that I or versions of me have gone down with voyager though, that one of the crazy delta quadrant experiences were the multiple timelines and alternate realities. I ask her if she remembers the story of her birth. I know she does, as it was a favourite for a while, and she recites the tale of the two voyagers, and how she and Harry stole from one ship to the other, and how the other Captain Janeway scuttled her ship, and went down with all hands rather than let the Vidians have Voyager. We all shudder at the thoughts of the Vidians. I am enjoying our chance to reminisce together, and start the oral tradition of voyager stories. I tell them both we can walk and talk, whilst Naomi is doing a rather brilliant, if rather heartless, impression of Neelix without his lungs. I remind her that was a different time though, quirking a smile somewhat at her artistic representation. We both applaud her skills.

I recall the ice planet that we hit or avoided, a temporal paradox. No wonder Braxton hates us! Naomi doesn't remember this clearly, so I tell her of the quantum slipstream that we made to get us home quicker, and how when we had used it, Harry and Chakotay had gone ahead giving us the calculations, but we had been kicked out and crashed into an icy grave whilst they got back. How they never let it rest, but came back to find us, and then sent us the calculations that closed down the drive and saved us, and Harry had left us a message of that future. As Naomi questions Chakotay about what it feels like to live a time twice, and he runs his hand through his hair and admits to not thinking about it at all, I wonder if Chakotay remembers that celebratory dinner like I do. We had disagreed, and Chakotay had acquiesced to my decision of going ahead, and we had made up over a drink on the couch. I had then suggested that my hurry to return to the alpha quadrant might also have something to do with relieving me of some unwelcome protocols and parameters and we so nearly shared a kiss, instead a fleeting touch of fingers on lips. Hmm, Voyager or the delta quadrant has never been generous when I have been selfish, she has demanded that my love be for her and her crew, and all my attention.

As we get close to the turbolift I murmur to Naomi that I think there is another temporal incursion though, as I used to dream repeatedly of crashing a battered and war torn voyager into another ship. In this dream, the crew have all left after a year of hard battle, tuvok and seven say their goodbye, and I wrest the ruined ship into our enemy in an explosion of fire, and the last thing I look at is a chronometer that matters a great deal to me. I remember smelling burning and hearing the grinding of metal on metal and being thrown forwards with punishing force, and I am proud to have succeeded. I have never confided this dream/nightmare before, and am surprised to be sharing now. Naomi is open mouthed with the drama of it, but Chakotay looks more shocked. He comes to all stop, supporting himself with a hand on the wall, as if he is testing reality, and demands I describe the chronometer. Hesitantly I do. It is very old fashioned, pre space era, silver circle on a chain from my waistband, it has a clockface, hands and works with cogs, and there is a story attached about a returning captain and I tell him that in my dreams, it was a gift that he gave me that I remember him by. He huffs that even in my dreams I at least recognize that he would have to be dead to allow me to go down with my ship alone. He is demanding again, and insist we wait by the turbolift whilst he hares off in it! Well well! Naomi and I look at each other quite round eyed at his disappearance, when we are supposed to be keeping a schedule.

Whilst we are waiting for the resolution of this mystery, naomi tentatively says that again me and not me has sort of gone down with the ship. Oh? I query this with her, and she whispers the admiral. I kneel and hug her. I tell her that it is a source of great pride that my love for voyager and her crew lasts throughout time,so that I return to bring her home. That I both sacrificed my life for voyager, and yet get to survive is a source of great wonder and pride and I will thank the admiral every day, and for her, will live my life to the fullest, because she sacrificed hers so that we could do so. Naomi solemnly nods, and we agree to toast the admiral and her single minded dedication at the party. My God , I think, I do seem to have died rather a lot in the delta quadrant one way or another. We then chatter about party dresses and dancing until the turbolift arrives and chakotay ribs us on our girl talk.

'I have a secret for you Kathryn', he declares. 'I replicated it years ago in preparation for us getting home'. He hands it to me, and tells me the story, It's a replica of the chronometer worn by Captain Cray of the British Navy, His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed, but eight months later Cray sailed his ship into London harbour. There wasn't much left of it, a few planks, half a sail, but he got his crew home. Thanking him, I state at least voyager is in better shape, if dinged and dented, nothing that a stay at utopia planetia cant fix. I turn the precious gift over in my hands, stroking the back and Naomi and I are effusive in our admiration. It is truly a thing of beauty, both in itself, and for the meaning that it carries. I look at chakotay with my heart in my eyes, and thank him for always having faith. Somewhat sheepishly he admits he hasn't quite always, but he does now. Naomi giggles again at him, and I wear the chronometer around my neck under my tank, where the clockface can nestle hidden from sight close to my heart. Maybe we will puzzle my dream together sometime, maybe it is another reality, or coincidence, but I am here again with perhaps the sacrifice of another version of me.

I link arms with Naomi and Chakotay as we enter the turbolift and descend to deck 11 and main engineering. They will be wondering what is taking us so long!

The doors hiss open into main engineering, we are met with a tickertape entrance. I laugh and spread my arms out wide whilst naomi twirls in the metallic confetti raining down. It is a holo-projection and disappears on contact with the floor and people after a few seconds. 'wonderful' I breathe. 'Wonderful' I repeat more loudly, as B'Elanna has all the engineers lined up infront of the warp core with her and miral proudly centre, all with huge grins on their faces. At their chief engineers word, they all stand to attention and salute. Naomi starts shooting images, both of them, and then Chakotay and me walking in. 'At ease' I command, the emotion making my voice rasp. B'Elanna formally invites the Captain and Commander to stand either side of her for a formal image, which we do. I stand between B'Elanna and Vorik, and Chakoty between B'Elanna and Ensign Molina. Then, at Naomi's suggestion for our family album, we all jump into the air, and then giggle at the competitiveness. Chakotay is sure he jumped highest, but he does have a height advantage. Soon there are suggestions of measuring height jumped as a proportion of person height, a best of three for a fair test, and some discussion about whether my heels should be counted or not counted - to some hilarity. Naomi is scowling at us for not doing it properly, but after 7 years of near constant red alerts, and the closest of near misses with the Borg, we are all requiring a moment of release. At my drawled command, we get back into parade rest and then we fist pump the air for her and then high five our neighbours. Her happiness returns, it is important to all of us. Moving between the rows, I hug and thank every engineer personally, and I see Chakotay and B'Elanna are doing the same. Hug and cry over every engineer I should say. I am so proud of all we have done together, and all they have achieved.

I move back to the front, and they stand to attention. I formally thank my Chief Engineer and all the engineers by rank and name for their outstanding work and going above the call of duty for the seven years that voyager has been in the delta quadrant. I reference how we have taken disparate crew members from Voyager, the Maquis and Equinox and integrated into one new Voyager crew, a crew that pull together despite all adversity. A crew that can and have made miracles happen, that have returned warp capabilities, transporters, life support at record speeds from unheard of failures, that have fitted alien, borg, future and newly designed improvements to work in tandem with the original specifications surpassing voyagers initial vision and capabilities. A crew that has suffered great loss, I pause as we all think of Joe Carey, who so nearly made it, as well as Ballard, Yosa and Suder, a crew that has withstood greater hardship and adversity on a regular basis than any other, has survived capture, betrayal, deprivation and come out stronger because of it. A crew unified through shared experiences to make a family, with shared experiences as well of joy and celebration. Engineering is the heart and stomach of a ship, and it and our people didn't disappoint, providing more power, more energy and intelligence as well as courage and exploration. As individuals, as crew, as a department, they have saved us countless times, fulfilled all my demands and then some, in fact surpassed all my wildest expectations and I thank them with every fibre of my body, and love them all. I tell them that we, the command team, would like to recognise them on behalf of the whole voyager family. Chakotay has replicated the pins and hands them to me, whilst I call the crewmembers up to fix on their uniforms to more tears, hugs and laughter. At the end, we cheer for the voyager engineering team. Huzzah! A salute, I take them to parade rest, and we leave engineering to cheering.

As the doors hiss shut behind us and Naomi dances ahead, I feel Chakotay's arms support me in a gentle embrace. We are both emotional with the end of our journey, the emotions from us are amplified back from the crew and we need to ground before moving on. I am grateful for his solid support and lean into him whilst thanking him. Naomi is chirping about where we are going next. Chakotay checks Tuvok's memo in his PADD. We are skipping deck 8 and going next to the armoury on deck 6 to meet the tactics and security staff, lead by Tuvok.

Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Harry kim

Tuvok and I are looking at the images as they come from sickbay. He has also surreptitiously got the internal sensors monitoring and recording the Captain's progression around her ship We have spoken, and when he returns to Vulcan for his treatment he means to join moments of this with images from throughout our voyage as a gift for the Captain. Clips might be useful for the admiralty. Those we agree are suitable for immediate release are being sent to Admiral Paris for official distribution, and to Reg Barclay for pathfinder purposes. Although we are not supposed to be getting incoming contacts, it is clear that both are ignoring this, and Reg is passing on commentary from the voyager families. It seems that many of them have holed up with the Captains mother until we can meet up, including my own parents, so that they can catch sight of us by the back means of pathfinder and admiral paris. I really have been naïve, as I had no idea how closely the paris and janeway families were. I have to give it to both the captain and tom for not giving this away, I can see why, it would have caused a stink at the start, when he was a rescued convict! Anyway, i have sent some bridge images through as well, capturing me twirling the captain for my parents to see. I'm not sure this one really was for out of voyager release, but it is certainly one for my album.

I have Culhane and Grimes working to tag the best images for me as they come through, so that I can send on a subsection as they have both taken their turn at conn. I need to keep some control of the images going out. Whilst they do this behind me, I can hear them eagerly discussing the celebration, and the dancing. Since we are approaching earth, Tuvok has allowed a more relaxed atmosphere on the bridge.

I am also programming the holodeck, with the doctors help and Tom, we are well used to working through the PADD and at remote. It is looking very good. Chell has organised food, for the most part we are having a lot of it beamed up from earth – the admiral has arranged this – but there are some leola root surprises in there for good measure! Our drinks requisition has been exponentially increased by Tom, and boosted further by the admiral. He says we should party and celebrate with a no questions asked/ no telling policy, so is lubricating this. I have placed that on the PADD community site, so I am sure there is a lot of anticipation. I have received musical suggestions from many sources, and the Captain has asked for the ability to override if the opportunity arises. I am sure that Tom and the EMH also raised their eyebrows, and I try and recreate a Tuvok eyebrow myself. Looking up, I see this reflected back at me, so I grin and wink.

Tuvok has organised a surprise for the Captain with the security team in the armoury. He has been organising the coverage of the ship of skeleton staff through the night, with him in charge so that the command team may have no care. Otherwise there are 3 sets of 4 hour shifts for the absolute skeleton of three people. This should mean everyone attends at least some of the celebration, and it will be streamed to the bridge for those on duty.

Hmm, the images from sickbay are sorted, and go out to the admiral and reg, and I get a message back from the captain's mother about holding the baby. After a number of requests from the crew to chart the progress, we start to stream them onto a PADD channel and to all stations, and clearly out onto the bridge. I wonder what they are discussing in the corridor, and both a captain and commander, and a commander and captains assistant image get forwarded out. The captain has her hand on Chakotay's chest, something we have seen her do so many times. I smile at the image, and save it to my personal files. I have a lot to do.

Naomi Wildman

The captain and commander are so funny when they are together. I wish more people could see this side of them. They laugh, pass messages that they think are secret to each other, and act as if they belong together. They are including me in their games, and I feel happy to be part of their big family. The captain is now Icheb's mom, so I will be seeing her a lot when we leave voyager. I was really worried about leaving voyager and meeting my father, but knowing that I will still see the captain a lot makes me less worried. I would like to see seven a lot too, but although she has still played kadiss kot with me, and she is my best friend, well, apart from Icheb, I am not sure. I spied on her picnic with chakotay on deck 2, I saw her arranging it with neelix, and saw them both when he came out. Although I am young, I have seen enough sneaking about the crew quarters whilst I have been on voyager to see the signs.

I hope the captain is going to like the images I am taking. The doctor has trained me in holo-imagery as one of my lessons, so I am sure that they will.

I love hearing the voyager stories, and I have the captain and the commander telling them to me. They are both so brave and clever. When I am a captain, I hope to be one just like captain janeway. I am glad that I escaped the vidian ship tho, and the ice planet! Captain Janeway says I will have the best stories to tell of my life. Ooh the chronometer is pretty, I didn't see what was written on the back, but the captain nearly cried.

I wish they would all do as they are told. I put my hands on my hip and stamp my feet at them to stop being so silly about jumping. It is clear the captain will win, I have just seen the commander whisper that he will help throw her up. And now Sue Nicoletti is laughing with Mulcahey that I look like a little Janeway. I scowl at both of them, and they laugh more. I don't really mind, but I am sure that you are not supposed to laugh at future captains. The captain sees me, winks at me and has them back into ship shape order.

We are going to the armoury next, and I am going to ask about the third captains rule, and how come she got left on a planet with the commander for all that time. I mean, what did they do?

Jenny Delaney

The scuttlebutt flying round on the PADDS is out of control. Megan and I watch seven out of the corners of our eyes as she calmly organises the borg data for the captain. She looks as if she has no emotions, and this is just another ordinary day.

The scuttlebutt says she is dating the commander. Dating him! Her! We have suggested, propositioned and taken the advantage of every possible opportunity to no avail there. We both thought he had property of captain janeway tattooed somewhere private – we both giggle at this, and get a raised eyebrow from seven. She suggests we find something useful to occupy our time. There is no evidence, no one has seen them, but apparently he was standing by seven, not the captain, at the bridge. It must be true! She wont be the first blonde ex borg to turn the commanders eye - what was that other ex borg's name?

The scuttlebutt suggests that the captain might not know yet. We whisper that it seems like a betrayal, megan points out that they aren't actually dating themselves. It just feels wrong. Perhaps someone should tell her? Seven reprimands us, and starts us working on a variety of tedious collating tasks. Thankyou seven!

Does seven read the scuttlebutt? I bet the captain and commander do. Well, they would do if they weren't traipsing the ship at the moment. Hmm, the cat will be out of the bag then.

A comm says that the photos are going to be broadcast on monitors, so we get to ooh and ah at the baby. Tal comments on how good the commander looks with Miral, and hints that anyone would like to start a family with him. Megan and I respond somewhat suggestively that we wouldn't mind the practice. Seven thinks this is inappropriate, and that there is no evidence that he has any interest in offspring. looking at the pictures, we can see plenty of evidence. Seven clearly isn't a baby person.

Moving on with the theme, but to safer waters, Tal asks Icheb about his new mother, and he is clearly very happy. None of us have pictured the captain having time for a family, but she sure looks comfortable with Miral, and Naomi. I guess she has been mothering to all of us at one time or other, when not kicking some alien butt. We watch the pictures as they come in of the corridor walking – seven says they are irrelevant – but we see the hidden side of the captain and commander. Even if they aren't lovers, they certainly are close. Each picture shows their story, and the hand on his heart makes us all sigh. Seven comments that she has done this often, and has no meaning. I wonder how far she really has gone with understanding relationships at all. I let Icheb and Tal's conversation wash over me as he sounds positively raving about how wonderful his future will be. Good for him, good for the captain. She is a sucker for waifs and strays.

Tal could do with settling with Billy Telfer finally, since the Captain brought them together. She is looking particularly gooey at the baby photos, and the idea of motherhood. Ship life hasn't really been her thing.

The scuttlebutt is following the pictures, and it seems that the captains dance card is going to be full from all the messages. If the commander isn't dating seven, he had better stake his claim early in the evening, as there is no shortage of other arms to hold her! I am certainly going to try and have a wild dance with the captain, as it says she is going to completely let her hair down. If she parties like she commands, it will be full on, no holds barred, and I want to party with someone like that. All party happenings after the doctor sings are going to be party goers only info, with no outside tittle tattle. That is so my kind of party.

Seven loses her composure slightly when we see the commander give the captain such a beautiful gift, as it is not her birthday or a gift giving event. I wonder what the meaning is behind it? We all think that perhaps getting us all home is a gift giving event, so soon through the PADD comms is a ration donation for a gift for the captain, suggestions required. I suggest she should have an all amenities week on Risa… I'm not sure who is going to make the final decision.

I am not sure how much more disapproving seven's back could look, but the rest of us are now discussing party glamour, and how daring to be. It will be a while before the captain and commander get here, but that will be interesting!

Chapter 9: Chapter 9 - to the armoury

I needed Chakotays arms around me to ground and steady me. Today has seen the full gamut of emotions, from the heightened state of fear and command role that saw us escape the Borg, and deliver them what may be a mortal injury tothe anticlimactic arrival in the alpha quadrant for me. I realise now that this was because I had anticipated something would go wrong. We have come so close to nearly going home so many times, that I had assumed that this would be another occasion like that, and that we would have some last glitch that would mean we were still on our journey. I thank the admiral profusely again in my head, well, I thank myself! That makes me grin. I really am infuriating, difficult, brilliant and defiant – I have thought all those things about me now – and I really do care for this crew. I cant hide it from me or them, they have perhaps always known, but coming back from the future to save them has to really confirm this. I admit to having a less than confident moment on bridge, when I came face to face with the evidence that my first officer, no Chakotay, has a relationship with Seven. But throwing myself into the celebration of our success with the crew, and fighting for them and with them has reminded me when I needed it that I don't require a relationship to validate me, I am truly happy at this moment regardless of the unresolved issues between us, I am sure that I will stride forwards successfully regardless – I have lost love twice before after all. The emotions rained on me by our crew, they really are wonderful, I feel giddy, joyful and exuberant with the love, and maybe adulation. We all know that I am human, I have made mistakes along the way, but we have been defiant and determined to the end as a team. I lean into Chakotay's hug, to ground me again, so that I can complete this as an all- conquering captain. Tuvok may think he has got one past me, but I know that the internal sensors are recording this, and only three of us could have ordered it.

When Chakotay says we are going to the armouries, I notice that his PADD is nearly constantly updating with messages. I ask if there is anything I should know about, and he looks caught off balance – I guess that is the scuttlebutt. I don't need to read that! Then one from Tom comes in, which he shows me. What! I hadn't OK-ed that. An off the record no ranks end of the evening AKA wild drunken party! My eyebrows probably ascend to a Tuvok like superiority, and my mouth opens to say that this is crossing the line, but looking at Chakotay, and thinking of the engineering crew, I realise that this is now, finally, something that we can do. This is the start of the transition from crew in mortal danger, to family. I think it possible that I will never directly command most of these wonderful people ever again, but even if I do, seeing me, the real human celebrating version, is unlikely now to affect our command structure, 'This is going to be a mistake' I drawl 'but, ok! But try and keep it tasteful!' . Ha! I have surprised Chakotay again, to be honest, I have surprised myself!

Turning, laughing, to Naomi, I say it is time for the third Captains rule. I think this is the hardest one of all. This is the one about not leaving a crewmember behind. This is the one where you have to say that the life of one, or lives of a few may or maynot outweigh the lives of the many. A terrible misquote of Spock. But goes to the core of things, when do you decide that it is OK to leave a crewmember behind, that the danger to the many is just too large. I look at Chakotay and Naomi, and say that this is the biggest challenge to a captain. Naomi can reel off a list of people that we have gone back for – Seven is right at the very top. And that rescue of Seven is probably the one where I was most on the line, or even perhaps crossed it, and put a whole crew at risk for one individual. I have refused to sacrifice seven rather a number of times. Is it because the deep love I have for her, her struggle to become human, my displaced goal that if I could just save seven, I had done some good with stranding us here? I start with the least complicated rescue, and talk about how at the very start we refused to leave Harry and B'Elanna behind. It highlights Chakotay as a captain and an equal too. The story is not so scary, and it starts the merge of our two crews.

This isn't, apparently the left behind that Naomi is most interested in. She wants to know how come Chakotay and I were abandoned on a planet. Over her head, we share a glance. We have mostly moved through the last five years as if that never happened. She has her pleading look on. I precis the sickness, the lack of cure, and the final decision to leave us. I say that I made it an order to Tuvok not to look to the Vidians – oh how I hated them – for a cure. That effectively, there was a disagreement in the command structure, and the Vidians were contacted, and to our great good luck, we emerged unscathed and with the cure, so that the commander and I could come home, 'so didn't you make a home on the planet then?' naomi quietly asks. 'yes' says Chakotay simply. I cant think what else to add. My mind is full of our home, our routine, our acquiesance to our new life, and what a wrench it was to give it up. 'Sometimes,' I say to Naomi, 'it is our humanity that comes to our rescue, and there we were both just humans, surviving the best we could, making the most of our opportunities, and enjoying companionship whilst preparing for a different future. The important thing was that our crew was also subject to human emotion and due to that, we were rescued so that we could still be with you, and be here for our new life in the alpha quadrant'. This satisfies Naomi, but Chakotay and I are more pensive as we approach the armouries, and more command oriented than we were before,. We have both remembered loving and losing. Remembered the squashing te human being back into the command role, the promises, and I have remembered Riley and Seven. Two very different ex borg, with the same function. The first stopped me from believing in promises and fairy tales, and put our sojourn on new earth in perspective, and the second, well I have yet to fully find out. Hmm.

I had better improve the mood here! So I also talk about going back for Icheb, and how proud I am that he is going to formally be my son! I am soon enthusiastically joining in with crazy weekend and sleepover suggestions of Naomi's, and all the things we will be able to do on earth as a big earth family. I really am so excitied to be becoming Icheb's mom. When Naomi asks if the commander and Seven will be invited, I say 'yes, of course, they're family' without any hesitation, and then hope that Harry, Tom B'Elanna and Miral will be part of our crazy earth family too. The bigger, the better. It is only then that I notice tension going from Chakotay, I hadn't noticed when it had begun. I grin at him, and he powers his dimples back at me. God, I love that man.

Naomi smirks at us both, she has captured an image which I am sure will look fairly flirtatious between the two of us, and probably cause a betting pool odds. I pause and say I just need to message the admiral, and sneak onto my PADD on the account that has monitored the scuttlebutt and pretty much everything for 7 years. Oh My God! It is a good thing I haven't read anything yet to day! I put my vote in for the Risa holiday, but hope for the whiskey carafe or cut glass tumblers with bon mots on it! And I cringe at the gossip about Chakotay and Seven. What am I doing on here again! Oh yes, betting pools. I place a few ration bets, after all I won't be needing them . I bet on me, in a number of places, including some dance requests, whether I will stay to the no holds barred, the likelihood of a kiss, a variety of kisses actually, I think I can say yes to a few. I add to the scuttlebutt that live and let live and all that for the commander. I put in some music requests for the no holds barred section – Tom might have a coronary when he sees them! I am feeling dangerous.I see the questions about dance partners, and put up a 'captains dance card', clearly under an assumed name, with a tagline of 'are you brave enough, can you move it? Then just do it, ask her!' I am feeling the adrenaline of red alert coming, hands on hips, standing in front of the viewscreen, letting them have it with both barrels me, and I like it. I chortle before signing off. Chakotay is clearly inquisitive, and I smile serenely –'party favours' to his unanswered question. I am on form.

We enter the armoury, and Tuvok has security at attention. With our shifting personnel, I had expected Mike Ayala to be here, as he is often Tuvok's second, but I imagine he will be in command section on the bridge instead. He does deserve to be there too, as Chakotay's second. If he stays in Starfleet, I hope that he will get a promotion. He and Harry must be top of my list, tho pretty much everyone would get a promotion if I had free reign. We have worked damn hard to survive. I ave tears of pride in my eyes as I salute back. With the commander we review the troops formally, and nod to Tuvok, as second in command, that they are impressive and pass muster. He orders them to parade rest.

Then they back to the bulkheads and clear a space to demonstrate their tactical and physical fighting prowess. It is a well choreographed display of excellence in skill and teamwork. I am overwhelmed and thoroughly impressed. Parsons, Murphy and Jarvis are particularly impressive in their hand to hand combat display. They barely break a sweat whilst in full uniform. These are the crewmen and women that have backed us on missions, assessed danger, protected us in first contact, been frontline against formidable foes and odds. These are the teams that have prepared to put my life and those in command before their own, giving freely so that the greater good is served. They truly put the needs of the many in front of the needs of a few and have done to aid Voyagers survival. I say all this and more of my pride and gratitude as I address them. I hadn't planned to make so many impromptu speeches, and they are all from the heart. I speak of bravery, desperate circumstances, lives lost as well as lives saved. I speak of the recognition of the sacrifice, their bravery and fierce loyalty. If engineering is the heart and stomach of a ship, this is the muscle and sinew, the core of strength. I am proud, so very proud to have had the opportunity to work with the finest crewmen in either the alpha or the delta quadrant, and have been so exceptionally honoured to serve them as their captain. My voice rasps as emotion nearly overcomes me, but I know I have a wide smile of joy as I review them. They stand to attention again, as I pin on each their voyager badge of honour. I salute each individual after presentation , I know these crewmen, and as I salute them, I recall them fighting at my side, rescuing me, saving lives, bravely holding the line. I know as we look into eacah others eyes that we both know the connection we have made will last a lifetime, that we have more than just survived the delta quadrant, we have come back changed through fire and destiny. Tuvok is last, and after I have saluted him I move my hand onto his shoulder and say 'thankyou, my friend'. No more words are required. I move back and Chakotay and Tuvok embrace. I am glad that Naomi captures this. I ask her if she has had all the images we need, and she says she has taken many, but would like one of Chakotay and me with the security team, so we all line up, I have my first officer one side, and my second officer on the other. We stand to attention, we salute, and we stand at parade rest. Satisfied, I thank all my security crew, tell them to be at ease, and I look forwards to seeing them move in a less martial way later in the evening when we get to celebrate. Tuvok leads a cheer for the command crew and we leave.

I am fully charged now, I had thought this parade of the ship was to show my appreciation of the crew, but this is truly a two way street. I feel the power that appreciation and love brings me, in the firmness of my stride, the set of my shoulders and the confidence radiating from my pose. This is my crew and my home. I decide to take the scenic route via holodeck 2 to the turbolift, to review preparations. Chakotay hurriedly comms tom so that it can all be hidden. Going in, I see just the bare holosuite and Naomi giggles. 'I'm not good with surprises!' I admit 'and was looking to have a sneak peek' I look under my lashes at Tom then smile up at him, placing a hand on his arm. 'Come on Mr Paris, one tiny look!' He smiles and shows me something that looks suspiciously like the den of an Orion brothel keeper, very quickly, and with no people, saving Naomi's innocence. I gasp and he admits that it won't look like this. So when I ask what this holoprogram was for, he grins boyishly and tells me I am better not asking. Raising my eybrows, rolling my eyes I advise him to do his best work and we leave the holodeck on the double, and I swear I hear Chakotay laugh.

Naomi is excited that the next stop is Science and her mother. Deck 8 will also cover astrometrics and Icheb. We both have family on deck 8. With purpose we stride forwards.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10 - the pathfinders celebrate

Gretchen Janeway

I am hugging Phee to me as I sit in our den with the pathfinder family. Over the last years, particularly the last 4, we have got to know each other really well. Whilst our children/spouses have been stuck in the delta quadrant making a family through adversity, we have become similarly linked here. We are the pathfinder pressure group, constantly needling the admiralty and Starfleet, making sure voyager has been in the news, stories of pride and heroes, stuggling in the unknown. What voyager is unaware of is the constant pressure we put on Starfleet to continue to secure their future. There is no doubt that they will all get a heroes welcome. Despite some grumbling about the maquis starting point, this fight was over years ago as the logs came through and were leaked to us and from us to beyond. They show beyond any doubt that this is one team. One team of true fighters, upholding the spirit of the federation. We are all proud beyond all measure in what they have achieved. I am beyond proud of my daughter, Katie, and now I will have the chance to hold her and tell her.

There have been a lot of changes here, we have tried to prepare the voyagers for these, many relationships haven't lasted, mostly due to the original notices of death. Despite that, Mark is here cheering Katie on, with his lovely wife and son. Mike's wife and her new husband is here, with his sons. Joe Carey's wife has bravely come so that her sons can see the crew that their dad fought for and loved. She had stuck by him all these years, and his death so recently is devastating. The Kims help to support her. With the loss of their son, they had gravitated to supporting those with sons too. In fact, we have squeezed nearly 50 here, and I know Elizabeth Paris has squeezed a similar number at hers, including Gresh, sam's husband who is waiting patiently, and Irene Hanswen, Seven's Aunt, who has needed considerable support to hear of both her brothers fate, and the fate of her niece. I wonder what Gresh is thinking as it is Naomi taking all these images, and has appeared in a few, so clearly loved and adored by all the crew.

We all get comfortable infront of the large viewscreen so we can watch the definitely-not-allowed image feed direct from pathfinder's Reg Barclay, from Harry Kim.

Sekaya, Chakotay's sister is to my other side on the sofa, with her son Paka on her lap and we three adults watch through a mist of tears. From the moment that voyager appeared out of that damn borg sphere we have been congregating, hugging laughing and celebrating. And we 'command team' family have become a small family of our own, as without living parents, Sekaya has become a second daughter to me and Paka an additional grandson. When not on Trebus with her husband's family, here is her home.

We cheer and toast baby Miral, we ahh at the group photo in sickbay and I message Harry for my daughter. If only Miral could see this, we met twice in the early years, and she was proud of her warrior daughter. I will tell B'Elanna this. B'Elanna's father is with Elizabeth, I can imagine their joy at this grandchild. I message Elizabeth my joy for her. We have been close friends since Tom was born, and this is a moment of huge rejoicing. She messages me back that she thanks me and Katie with all her heart for the saving of her son. I remember their years with us on holidays, of fun and happiness. I remember our shared time of darkness after the cardassian capture, and our return to sisterhood from our need to share once voyage had gone, taking a child from each of us. We have shared much joy and pain over the years.

We have some images of the command team walking the corridor, and Sekaya and I smile at each other. We have wondered how close they may have got, but we have never seen them together, just had messages and logs to pour over. Seeing then stand gazing at each other, with Katie's hand on his chest, I am sure. Sekaya nudges me. I say that Katie has always been tactile, and we cant read too much into it. Mark gives a huge laugh and tells me not to be so cautious. He should know. I am pleased that he is still part of my family, tho moved on with great happiness, and he doesn't begrudge Katie her happiness either.

There are tears of joy and shouts of recognition as the engineering crew appear on the vidscreen. Joe Carey's wife and sons are hugged and cheered as the images appear of where he worked. She sees the friends he made, and the 2 women that he followed and can see that he was part of a loving family there too. Harry sends a brief transcript of Katie's speech and I can see the pride in Joe's boys. Most of the engineering family is with Elizabeth, as is science, so my hugest cheer comes with security/tactics, as they are here with me, along with astrometrics, the lost crewmembers and most of the bridge.

Seeing the images as they come through gives us chance to adjust to the altered appearances of our loved ones, as well as see them in the places that they have been working all this time. I bless Naomi for taking so many images, that we all see our loved ones. Sekaya and I are clearly the most happy, as Naomi takes image after image of our Katie and Chakotay. She catches their mannerisms, katie's hand on hips, her quirked lip smile, rolling her eyes, hands on arms of various crew members. I can see she has been more than just a captain. I can see her crew love her too. Chakotay is perfectly matched in walk, position and his smile is to die for. One glimpse of that dimpled smile, which his nephew Paka shares, and I am surprised I haven't a tribe of grandchildren on voyager. Sekaya, Phee and I hug, cry and laugh as our pathfinder family cheer every image that appears, particularly as they reach security. It is a shame T'Pel couldn't be here too.

Jake Sisko comms me privately, the buzz has built up that Voyager is home, that the departure of the fleet was noted, but that it is a welcome party not a war. I comm owen and ask what should we leak. Via a circuitous route of course! And back through this route, I get the killer photo of voyager bursting through the borg sphere and am told only this for now. So Jake gets his lead and soon fed news is buzzing with the photo.

Welcome back voyager!

Seven

Soon they will be at astrometrics. I am eagerly awaiting chakotay, there is a flutter in me that I haven't felt before. Looking at the images has been distracting. The commentary the Delaney twins gives is distracting and irrelevant. I will comply with the captain's request to complete the Borg data. I look at the images though, and am surprised with the interaction between the Captain and Chakotay. On the bridge he could only look at her, and I thought it command. Now, the images capture them and there is something else I see. It is a collective. I feel rage, he is for my collective. I am unsettled with this new sensation. I should not have removed the failsafe. I am being irrational. I concentrate on data and ignore the images, and the noise of gossip. Data reassures me, provides constancy and fact. It is not subject to conjecture. It soothes me. I close my mind to everything else.

Mike Ayala

As the images start to appear, I am in the armoury, overseeing the last practices before going back to the bridge. I feel torn between security, where I worked for so long, and command, now I am second to Tuvok. I will be on the bridge at Tuvok's station whilst he takes charge of security for the captains visit. As the engineering images appear, I place them at ease, suggest a quick uniform cross check and then leave.

As I lope back, I check the scuttlebutt. Harry says some images are going through pathfinder to our families. I know Maria moved on, and am happy for her, but I am happier still to think she is sitting there with our sons to see what I have been proudly doing for the last 7 years. Our marriage was on the rocks with me joining the maquis, and she had returned to her family. I am just proud that she and the boys can finally be proud of me and what I have helped voyager achieve. Hopefully this will be the start of a way back into the boys lives, a way to be a better father now I have been shown the true meaning of love and putting family first. Voyager has changed me for the better, it has made me responsible and keen to own upto my responsibilities. In the maquis I was still a boy playing at hero, now I am who I was always meant to be. I am ready for a second chance.

Oh ho! I see the scuttlebutt about chakotay and am pretty shocked. We have been friends for years, and I know that all he has been about has been the captain for the last seven. There is no doubt he has loved her all this time. He used to talk about it, but recently hasn't been talking, but I just don't believe it. This is another distraction. I'm going to ask him about it, so put a query through. He might just brush me off. Then I see some enterprising person has put up a captains dance card! Well, I'll be on that. I have seen her move and fight, I have seen her ballet! She is one hell of a woman. I'm up for helping her party! I've always thought she had the same feelings for Chakotay, more hidden, but the closeness of their command, their massive arguments when they come, the fact that the whole ship seems to feel whether they are in synch or not all said to us all that they were more than just a command couple. I stop and rewind the moments we have all shared on the bridge recently, it was different after Quarra, but seeming OK more recently, until the admiral came, but who wouldn't struggle when there was 2 of you? Well, if she needs a rebound man, or just a pep me up, or just dancing and laughing,I am quite happy to provide my devotion. Chakotay is not the only one to have loved her on this voyage. How could I resist the combination of power, magnetism and compassion.

I place my name on the dance card, bet some rations on a kiss, vote for the whiskey decanter, though laugh about Risa! I send a few song ideas to tom from our maquis days, when there would be the occasion to dance in celebration. Even post partum I bet B'Elanna cant resist some of them. I comm a congrats to B'Elanna, saying will visit when all this hoopla and party is over. Love and congrats. Tom better be a better father than I was.

I make it onto the bridge, and Tuvok gives me command. Me, in command. Harry grins, he says he is too busy on ops, and I better not find any bogies.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11 a shock in astrometrics

Chakotay and I walk arm in arm towards the science lab, a spring in my step. I can feel the pressure of command peeling away, allowing me to purely enjoy the companionship of the crew, without wondering which of them I will sacrifice next, and enjoy being in command. This is the trade off for the loneliness and responsibility. 'this is wonderful' I breathe to him 'when I planned this, I had no idea just how much of an outpouring of love and celebration this would be, I am just so honoured' he quirks a smile at me and I am again reminded of how much he means to me. 'thankyou chakotay, we would never have done this without you and your crew. You sacrificed everything, your ship to join voyager, and I just can't imagine a day of this journey without you.' I turn to him, about to declare my love out loud, without a thought to where we are, who could be listening, or Naomi. The moment feels right. But Naomi comes up to us, and asks where is my gift for Chakotay. The moment is broken, and I feel disoriented. I look at Chakotay, who is looking expectant, and back at Naomi, eagerly awaiting my answer. I run my hands through my hair and let out a sharp exhale. I do have a present for Chakotay, I have two. I am no longer sure that he will want either of them, until I have resolved the Seven issue. Damn, i think there is something there, but I hope that it is just the start, a date or two, a tentative possibility. Surely if he was more enamoured or fully into a relationship he would have told me? I hate not knowing.

My delay in answering has Naomi hopping again from foot to foot. 'You dooo have a present don't you?' , Chakotay turns to move forward, disappointment in his eyes.'yes' I say quietly 'I have had a present planned for this moment for the last 5 years' . his head whips up, I know that we both know the mathematics of New Earth without counting still 'but I am not sure that it is the right present any more, there has been so much that has changed over the intervening years' Naomi looks at me, and says that the commanders present had been from years ago, and I still loved it. I raise my hand to where it nestles between my breasts and touch it. 'Yes' I murmur with a gentle smile 'I will indeed treasure it forever, but my first gift planned for Chakotay was not so much a thing that could be put into a box' both of them raise an eyebrow at me, and I blush. I blush! Oh my God, I can't believe that I have said so much without thinking. I stumble on, digging a bigger hole 'and the second present, which is very definitely a thing, I am dependent on knowing whether the first gift is acceptable, so is no longer giveable either, so I am going to need a bit of time to decide what is appropriate after all.' I finish back with a captains voice certainty.

Naomi still has more questions about why didn't I get or make a new thing when I realised the first two were no good, when did I get the second one, did I make it or replicate it. I raise my hands in surrender. 'I made it, very slowly and only finished it a few months ago, at the time I hoped both presents would be suitable, and I have only recently thought that they would not, though I probably should have done some time ago' Chakotay isn't looking at me and is determinedly walking down the corridor - not a good sign. I am seesawing between hope and being fairly well certain now that neither present is appropriate any more. I sigh, for lost chances, missed opportunities, and relaxing my command mask enough to fall into an inappropriate discussion. I should have just said yes, and that i would give it later, and hurriedly found something, even if it was a crate of Antarian cider. Reframe and move on. So I kneel by Naomi to discuss what we think might now be a good idea. I laugh at some of her suggestions, but I know that nothing I would give has the meaning of that which I would like to offer. Chakotay is frowning at us to get a move on, whilst stroking his ear. He has felt as uncomfortable by this discussion as I have. Dammit, how can I be so confident now as a captain, but so hopeless in my personal life. I guess 7 years of being a Captain first and foremost doesn't help!

As I get into the turbolift, I place my hand on his arm and ask Chakotay whether we need to talk sooner or later, that I am sorry my conversation has gone off the beaten track, and should have been discussed with him first. His wall is back up though, and he shrugs and says it can be at my pleasure. I let my hand fall to my side and look at Naomi, the picture of excitement and happiness, and bit my lip whilst I come to a decision. 'OK. I say, 'when we have finished the celebration walk, would you mind joining me in the ready room so that you can determine whether my gift is appropriate, or whether I should do some rethinking.' Naomi claps and cheers, and I smile at her. Chakotay is inscrutable, but I relax, knowing that I have committed to some straight talking and fact finding. Whatever the outcome, I am better off knowing and planning the future accordingly.

Our science team are led by Sam, and Naomi is excitedly taking images at every opportunity. She hugs Sam, who asks her how it is going so far, and she is clearly happy and excited. I greet all of them effusively, and even Harren allows a hug. Our joint mission changed him, and we have some joint respect now. They line up as I sing praises for their often unseen work. We have been driven by our/my desire to get Voyager back to the alpha quadrant. So much so, that it could seem that science has not been a priority. However, as Seven once reminded me, we have made a very inefficient journey, with many course corrections so that we could make observations, see sights of spectacular interest. Even cultures we have met have given us insights, noticeably in Chakotay's tribe inheritance, and the dinosaur descendants. We have answered mysteries from earth, finding the 37's, the mars spacecraft. we have evaluated many alien technologies, both as specimens and databases, and analysed how these can best be used to voyagers advantage in the short term, but also continued analysis to longer term federation benefit and other applications. The science division have been part of our brain, allowing us to maximise all our opportunities, both in weaponry and living standards, optimising our replicators, our hydroponics, and working with engineering and astrometrics to ensure that the ship itself is the best of its class. I appreciate all the differing viewpoints that science have represented over the years, but wish to commend them on their intelligence and perseverance. I am sure that there is an illustrious future for all of them. Rather less formal than both engineering and the armoury, they are all delighted with their voyager pins, and war them with pride. They are a small team, and our group image is infront of a variety of their research areas on the large screen. Science is often the unsung hero of a spaceship, and yet without it our engineers and security would have had a harder time, and I am sure that we could not have prevailed against the Borg. I may be command track now, but at heart I am a scientist.

It is a short walk to astrometrics,and I am looking forwards to seeing Icheb, It hasn't taken me long to acclimatise to calling him my son, both in my head and in my heart. I have a spring back in my step, both from the science crew and for Icheb today nothing can hold me down for long, and certainly not my first officer and his potential paramour. The strike of my heels on the floor and the jauntiness of my hips as we stride between the two areas confirms my confidence on voyager. This is my home turf. I look over my shoulder at chakotay and naomi, 'are you with me?' , Naomi runs to join me, and Chakotay gives me that resigned grin I get when i am being willful but irresistible, a force of nature. We join up and go into astrometrics, our balance restored. Here I know chakotay will be fussed over, the Delaney sisters have always been his greatest fans, and Seven, well, that I have to fully find out. He has a huge smirk on his face as we go in, clearly thinking the same.

Seven stands to the back as Ichen comes forwards to hug me, and the Delaney sisters run to chakotay to ask for a dance in the evening, eyeing him up anad down in a predatory manner. I hug Icheb and ask whether they are all ready here. He smiles at me as we talk astronmetrics shop, and Imove to hug Tal and then Seven. I notice Seven is looking less than approvingly at Chakotay and the twins. She tells them to desist and present themselves, so astrometrics lines up, and Naomi takes images, smiling particularly at Icheb. Hmm, Ktarians mature more quickly, and perhaps many new relationships are made here on voyager.

I have them all at attention and then I hand them all their voyager pins. Even the Delaney girls know how to snap to attention, starfleet training is rigorous and automatic once learnt. We line up for the formal images, I have Icheb at my side and then Tal, and chakotay has seven at his side and then the delaney's. We stand at attention then at parade rest, as we break out to chat, the delaneys want to quiz me about the celebration, particularly the no ranks no rules no recriminations part. I laugh, not sure I called it that, but yes, it is a chance to party freely – they are keen to know that they can mingle freely as well. I confirm that I will not be attending that part of the party with my captains eyes. They laugh and Megan asks me whether I have ever been to Risa. I gulp! 'Indeed I have', I smirk, whilst they are speechless for once. Jenny asks whether I will be coming with the commander, I turn round with a smile to face chakotay and say yes, when I am interrupted, and the world stutters at my feet.

'the commander will be attending with me. We have been dating and are in a relationship. Now we are having intimate relations, our position should be clarified to the crew and this will be an efficient method' Seven delivers her message with poise and great clarity, staring at me with an air of condescension as well as challenge.

I nearly stumble, and step back without thinking, snapping back to face Seven. I am aware of Naomi dropping the holoimager down. Everything seems to me in slow motion. My heart is beating faster. It is as if a phaser has been levelled at my heart, no a tricobalt device. Although I had possibly expected this, hearing it out loud, when I hadn't guarded myself, I see myself at the epicentre of a widening shockwave. Hell, I clearly had not imaged the depths of hurt that this would bring me. A triumph of optimistic thinking brought low. Stupid! stupid! I am such a fool for leaving myself so wide open. Dammit, they are not just dating, but having sex! I cant bear the image that generates, his tenderness, her generous young body. looking up at Naomi, Icheb and Tal in front of me, I see the shock wave reaching out to them. No! my determination to put the crew first in all circumstances. I will not let their concern and love for me alter this day. I will not let them see my utter feeling of destruction and devastation of this moment. Pull yourself together Janeway! I raise my shields and start to minimise the damage. I am on full red alert as I place my captains smile on my face, lift my chin and rest my hands on my hips. Time to save the day, again. Why the hell couldn't he have warned me, told me? It's not as if there weren't chances today.

'That is such wonderful, and surprising news Seven. I wish I had known of this before, so that I could have congratulated you on stepping forwards with your humanity. I wish you every blessing', and I hug her and smile coolly at her confusion. 'I should have realised you had moved your studies on from the holo-suite, and I hope that they have been satisfactory.' She looks bemused and answers, 'indeed, the commander makes a more than satisfactory partner. I anticipated nothing less in view of the attention he receives, and your approval' .

The room is still silent,waiting for me to move, so I turn to Icheb, and ask him to be my escort, making a quip that I am unused to being accompanied by anyone else now, so that I hope to be not to boring an evening partner. Icheb smiles up at me and comes and hold my hand, giving me strength. 'Mom, whatever you might be, boring isn't one of the adjectives anyone will use! I am sure that once we arrive, you will be swamped with dance requests and I will be hard pressed to have any time by your side' I smile, my footing is being restored. Jenny requests one of my dances, and Megan and Tal say they are keen to learn my style. All of them giving me support, my captains smile is turning real again. I am more than just one dimension, and this is my day to love and be loved by the crew, all of them, to celebrate our success and home coming. I beam at them, 'thankyou' I say. In my head, I think that I have done heartbreak before. I still can't look at chakotay though. Not yet anyway.

I catch sight that Naomi is in Icheb's arms and she is sobbing. 'Naomi, my darling, what is the matter?' I spring to her side and crouch beside her, drawing her from Icheb's arms into my own. 'Naomi, Sweetheart, it is OK, it really is' , 'but you love chakotay, that was your gift' she wails into my shoulder, well she certainly understood more than I thought. 'yes, I love chakotay, but he isn't mine to keep and hold, he is a free man to choose his path, particularly now our time on voyager is at an end, but even before' , ' but you love him,' wailing, ' Naomi dearest, when I was captain, I couldn't afford to love him like he would want me to, I was focused on returning us home and keeping us safe, and when I thought I might change that, it never was the right time, some disaster or other always came up.' I can't believe I am saying this to Naomi in front of everyone, something I should have said to chakotay privately ages ago, God, I wish I had done, I wouldn't be in this mess now! well I guess it is all in the past.

'But Naomi, you have to believe me, one of the strengths of loving so deeply, is that I can love them enough to want their happiness. One day you will know this too. I have something infinitely precious with Chakotay, and that is the love of a true friend who has been there for me more times than I can count. I wouldn't want to risk or jeopardise that by not supporting his choices, that wouldn't be what best friends do, would it? And Seven, Naomi, I have willfully separated her from the Borg, and encouraged her to seek her humanity, her place as an individual, and I love her like a daughter. I have chased after her, rescued her and put countless lives at risk because I love her. How could I be angry at her for taking such bold strides, and risk the unique friendship that we have? Romantic love is only one aspect of life and love, and it can wax and wane. True friendship is lasting, and when I looked at this wonderful crew of ours as we have walked around, what have we seen Naomi? We have seen love, friendship, joy and celebration, so much that it has filled my heart to bursting. This is a great thing to be part of. This is more than worth any and every sacrifice. I have held true to my promise to get people home, a promise I made with my whole being, heart, soul and body. A promise that took all I am to deliver. And I have been repaid for my devotion a thousand fold. Look about you Naomi, tell me, I am lucky, am I not, to be surrounded by such love? Today I am filled with pride, joy, friendship and happiness and I can't do anything other than rejoice in the strength it gives me.'

I feel her arms surround me, and she smiles up at me. 'I love you, Captain' ' and I love you too Naomi' . As I smile and we stand, Icheb come as do the delaneys and hug me, and Tal replaces the holoimager and hugs me too. I am rising above this, i know it will hurt like hell when I get some privacy, but I am putting on the right show, and my crew will help me with this. Damage limitation. I am the captain, I need to be more than human, shields to maximum and prepare to defend. I give my biggest smile.

I see Seven, confused over what has happened, and I open my arms for a hug with her too. 'Never forget that I love you, Seven' . She nods, accepting. We both know I have proved this love over and over again. Finally looking at Chakotay, standing rigid, holding himself like a true fighter, ready to fight or flee, I go and apologise, for the years I should have talked more, loved freely, and for blowing it all wide open in the most public of ways. 'I am truly sorry, I wish you every happiness, always' . I go as if to touch his heart, but my hand wavers and falls to my side. My smile is full of regret as I turn away. He makes no acknowledgement. He is closed off to me.

Chapter 12: Chapter 12 - a family supports each othe

Harry Kim

I am watching the images come through whilst I finish the programming with tom. I have half a glance only on astrometrics until I hear a gasp and the bridge is still. Looking up, there is a picture of the captain, and she looks, well, broken. In her eyes, more than life size on our viewscreen, is heartbreak. I can only imagine what has happened. Seven or Chakotay – most likely seven – have confirmed their relationship. I remove the image from circulation, but know it is too late. I am looking at the realtime that is now coming through, with sound, and straight around the ship. Who is recording this? The captain is embracing Naomi, and I hear her words. Oh crap. Reverberating around the ship is her clear declaration of love. When her next words make it clear that she is accepting he no longer loves her I wait for Chakotay to jump in and deny it, but he is silent. My breath catches, Tom tried to tell me not to buy into the fairytale, but I just couldn't resist it. Like all of voyager, I am glued to the screen, to the events unfolding before me. I have never seen the Captain open her heart in this way, I have only seen glimpses when she is at her most tired. Mostly, I have seen the brightly burning captain of indomitability, ready to punch through the universe to look after her crew and get us home. i am so proud to be one of her team, watching her roll with the punches and come out stronger and more determined. I can see this is what she is doing now. I cheer her on.

The doctor comms me, 'take it down, what are you thinking?' ' B'Elanna and tom say the same, but this is compelling. If the captain is sharing this with Naomi, and the Delaney sisters are there, she surely is sharing this to voyager. If we ever doubted it, we see the love and passion and determination she has had for all the crew to care and look after us and get us home. We see the depths of her compassion, even when she is hurting, and we have all see the picture of heartbreak, she is going beyond her own needs to make it right, to let the crew see that it is not part of today. That she truly is bigger than heartbreak. And when she comms everyone to defend Chakotay and Sevens right to choose to be together, part of my heart breaks too. I remember sitting dejected on a biobed next to her, hating her, believing she couldn't possibly understand, as the love of my life sails away into the delta quadrant stars. Starfleet is hard on personal relationships.

'Janeway to all hands, I shall say this just once, today is a day for celebration, rejoicing and a first class party. In my time as captain in the delta quadrant, I have permitted staff fraternisation, and don't plan to discontinue this policy now. I hope we will all continue to respect private decisions made by individuals. I look forwards to seeing you all this evening and celebrating fully with you all. I love you all. Captain out.'

She comms me to check that the images are under control, and I don't have the guts to be anything other than positive, and I cannot help but reply at the end, as an open comm,

'I love you Captain'

As I have said it, I hear others joining in through the open comm, first tuvok, then B'Elanna, Tom, Baytart, Wildman, Ayala. They all say' I love you, Captain' . It is like a floodgate of love has been opened. She has bared her heart and soul to us, and we respond. We are as one. The numbers swell as more and more crewmembers announce their love. It is a cacophany of noise, and outpouring of support to the one indefatigable woman who has brought us so far. I could swear that if I checked, the whole crew has joined in. The whole crew bar two. One who isn't yet human enough and cant, but does, and the other, who is all too human, who won't but does.

I watch as tears roll down the Captains face and a huge smile beams from her she looks at the holoimager and holds out her arms. 'I love you she says'. 'Thankyou'.

What the captain can't see is the crew rushing to line the corridors that she will take from astrometrics to the mess hall, and mess hall to the bridge. She has given us everything that she is, and we prepare to show us just how much that means to us. We will all be there for her. Always. It feels good to be able to love the Captain.

I get an irate message from the admiral, wondering where the images have gone. 'It's not good enough, dammit Harry! What is going on?' I explain that we have had a personal moment, so the imager was off, but I am sure it will be reinstated for the walk to the mess hall. He blusters some more, and I calm him down.

Sam Wildman

I watch with my heart in my mouth. Kathryn and I have become friends over our time on voyager, quiet and true friends. I have held her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, we have shared our passion, our laughter , our frustrations, and oh there have been many of those! I have seen her gentle side, her wry smile at the fates. She has protected Me and Naomi through the years, making sure naomi was safe, from the start, when we were reunited from the two split voyagers and even with the hirogen we were hidden away. The captain kept my daughter loved and safe. Kathryn kept me sane whilst I, too, have waited on a man for seven years.

I am angry with Chakotay's faithlessness. He too made a promise, to be by her side, and he gave her hope. But i realise seven years is a long time for him as well, and we had no idea that our return would be so sudden. He has broken his faith before and come back, and maybe he would have this time too, except it has been all too public. He has pride and decency and knowing him, there must be something there. He wouldn't mess with the affections of one of the crew, he has been studiously aloof from even the most temporary of dalliances all these seven years. I cannot see how this will be unravelled. My anger dissipates. My heart goes out to all three of them, a brave woman, used to loving and losing and self sacrifice; a warrior, who has let his desire for a family, for comfort lead him away from his peace, and a girl in a woman's body, playing at emotions without knowing the cost or the hurt. I remind myself that all we know is Seven's statement and the Captain's response. Chakotay has been silent. The delta quadrant has been a hard place for all of us, and more so for the command team, trapped in their roles without break. I will be there for Kathryn in the calm before the party, and I comm ayala, who will see if chakotay is willing to talk too. He will need to know that he has friends too. Ayala and I have a history of jointly trying to ease the problems of the command team, subtly.

I am proud of Kathryn as well as the Captain, as she struggles to put the pain behind her and to ensure that Chakotay and Seven are kept in the family, that this is accepted, if this is going to happen.

I am proud of Naomi, for opening her arms to the captain and beginning the expressions of love and support.

I am proud to be a voyager.

I comm that I love the captain too, and with the rest of science we move to wait in the corridor to the turbolift.

Tal Celes

by the prophets! 5h1t! Seven has thrown the most enormous curveball, and the captains insouciance is completely destroyed. I wonder what seven means by intimate relations? It cant possibly mean sex, surely we would have seen her walk in distracted, and , well glowing. i remember what she was like when she was messing in the holodeck - and I never believed it was a gravimetric array! She used to come back flushed and flustered, and sneak off back there. If I was having 'intimate relations' with Chakotay, there would be no way to hide my big grin! I think i need to talk to her later about this, perhaps offer support. We are both young and inexperienced. With the doctor and the captain being her mentor, and Naomi her friend, I cant imagine any of them being a great deal of help here. though she does have good taste.

i notice the captain pulling herself back together, and making a date with Icheb. He is a sweet boy, and so proud to be the Captain's son. I have only really got to know the captain through our disastrous away mission. She scares me, she is so decisive and strong. Even after, I mostly smile at her and quickly move away. I am not used to seeing her as a person, channeling her reserves and tucking away misfortune. I think most of us lower deck crew would say the same. On impulse, when she goes to comfort Naomi, i start to film in realtime on the holoimager. We lower crew follow without question, know she is brave and wise, she commands our loyalty, but there is fear as well as love as she seems always superhuman. I think it is good for us to finally see there is a person behind the Captain, who has put everything on hold for us. So I film.

I film, letting the captain's words wash over me. i realise that I, too, have let decisions ride. I will comm Billy Telfer and expect him to man up for the party. I think of my place in starfleet. I am not command, I am too inefficient for science, too hesitant for engineering. But having been on this ship, I can see that what we needed, what Neelix tried to provide, was a counsellor, pastoral support. Someone not in the command structure who could listen and not judge. If the captain could have talked through balancing her needs against the captains, would she have made different decisions? If seven had had a better 'life coach' would she have had the maturity to not pick the alpha male? Lieutenant Torres anger might have been redirected sooner? I wonder whether the captain would sponsor me in that role?

i realise that i have daydreamed, and the captain is drawing her moment with Naomi to a close and giving her a hug. Icheb quickly joins and then the delaney girls - always tactile, always giving. I realise I want to enfold the captain, as a human and a leader, and with trepidation and bravery, fling my arms around her and Naomi swiftly. i have a moment of revelation. She is right, we truly are a brave, defiant and loving Voyager family. Not only have we made it home, but we return with renewed purpose, vigour and a better sense of who we are. I have been forged in the delta quadrant too, under the caring eye of a despot leader protecting me from an unforgiving milieu.

I love you, Captain.

Chapter 13: Chapter 13 - remembering the dead

I am ready to move out now, I think it is time to get on with the parade. I comm Chell to confirm that the mess hall is set up as planned, that he has replicated the images and the voyager pins as planned. I have added another, and he confirms he has replicated that one too. I am ready for what I had, naively thought would be the hardest part of the tour. I plan to give thanks to all of those we lost.

Deep breaths Janeway, tuck and roll.

So I smile at the astrometrics team, who are right behind me, nod at chakotay. If we are going to be captain and commander, than I am damn well going to command! He lopes up to my left shoulder, naomi to the front and the door opens, I turn to the left and am met by my crew, my family, lining the corridor. They cheer, and B'Elanna says they re all falling in behind to be there with me in the mess hall, they are there to pay their respects and to support the command team. And as I walk past, they touch mine and chakotay's arms, shake hands, the corridor is filled with a buzz. It is crazy thought, but it feels like a military arch at a wedding. The crew presence makes us walk closer, Naomi turning and taking images. All we would need is the damned confetti. I look up at the ceiling and Chakotay smirks at me, asking if I am looking for the tickertape. I smile back, thankful that we are back to being us, the crew grounding us both back into our comfort able command team. Hmm, they are good! I link arms with him, and they cheer and we smile back, accepting the realisation that for the crew, for always, we will be a couple, linked by friendship and shared experiences even if not romance. I can accept this, I will accept this. Walking together in our ship, with our crew feels right, and I feel my step lighten again.

There is no talking, just smiling, pressing hands, being thankful and aware of the swell of staff following behind us to the turbolift. We get in with Naomi and B'Elanna, who gives Chakotay a playful punch and me a quick hug. No need for words. Chakotay shrugs and I grin. No words, and we spill out of the turbolift to walk to the mess hall, again through the crew-lined corridor. As we get to the mess hall and go in, Chell greets us, giving chakotay the box, and I see the long table with an image of every crewmember lost framed there, they face away from where our coming crew file in to stand, and I stand behind with chakotay. And we start with the missing from the crossing, when we were pulled across by the caretaker. I talk about all the crew lost then, who never had chance to become full voyager family, lost at the very start, but who were committed to Starfleet and to the ideals, who had lives, families and futures all cut short. I name them all, rank and placement, turning their image around and adding a voyager presentation boxed pin in front, and as we get to the senior crew, I add more details about them. After every group of five, a small candle is lit in their memory. I finish with Cavit, my last XO. I take a deep breath. If all these crew were hard to lose, it has nothing on the crew that I am coming to, who became part of our family..

Before that, I have a surprise for chakotay, chell brings him a box for each of the maquis lost on the val jean, less of them than those lost on voyager, but no less precious to their comrades and family. Chakotay, as captain, turns the image we have of them as a group together around, which B'Elanna had. Chakotay gazes at me, I can see his thanks, his conflict at identifying with the maquis in front of our unified crew, but these crewmen also deserve the moment. Chakotay shouldn't fear the joining of his maquis and starfleet persona after seven years. in this seven years, the previously maquis crew of the val jean have blended seamlessly with the starfleet crew of voyager, and it would be impossible to tell now who originated where. We have become one crew, with a predominant starfleet ethos, though I am well aware, as the starfleet brass soon will be, that we have encmpassed some of the maquis spirit within this. Seven years in the delta quadrant alone, and we have their resilience against adversity and overwhelming odds, able to be one small unspported ship against the many, tied together as a team by our common goal. we have their bility to make do and mend with nothing, turning the wrong materials and mismatched supplies into something that will work for us, seeking opportunities where there are limited resources, pulling together to make the best possible outcome from what would otherwise be disaster. We are not pure starfleet with pure starfleet ideals any more, we are a composite alloy, stronger and more malleable for it, we can bend and not break, but may well be too maverick to easily fit back into the alpha quadrant! A candle is lit for them too, and chakotay says a short blessing.

I then start with the delta quadrant losses, people that we all have known, starting with lieutenant durst, killed by the vidians, the crew killed by the Kazon, including Bendera, ex maquis who adapted very quickly to security. Darwin, who was killed by Suder, who I also honour later for his effort to retake Voyager for us. I even honour Seska, stating my difficulty in the honour due to her betrayal, but she had been a crewman of Voyager and all deserve recognition. I mention those lost in battle, to Borg such as ensign Kaplan, and ensign ballard, killed by the hirogen, and discuss her unusual temporary return through the auspices of the Kobali, other inexplicable alien loses such as ahni jetal due to unexpected malevolance. We lost also to disasters and natural occurences, shuttle crashes and as I name them all, the crew remembers each one with me, and silent tears are present for all of us, myself included. I place the black boxes in front of each image. The longer they were with us, the more little snippets of acts of bravery, courage and friendship I know to add. I see groups of crew comforting each other. This is family we are grieving for, not just comrades. I know I will continue to feel each loss for as long as I retain memory. I am proud of their bravery and fortitude, and that we fought hard to lose so few, each life taken was a loss too great.

I sense chakotays presence giving me the strength to continue and I I turn over the last but one image, Joe Carey. It seems that the whole crew draws a breath as one. Carey, much loved for his friendly personality, a bridge between the lower and upper decks, second in engineering, defined by his love of his sons, and terribly lost within such a short time of us getting home. I was so sure he would be returning to the ship, and to find him shot through the heart, he a man of such good and loving heart. I say again the words of gratitude, summarising achievements and characteristics, which don't do credit to the depth of the person, or the position they hold in my heart and memory and that of this family. Faltering, I lay the black box in front of his image and pause. I regroup through breathing carefully, sensing that my crew are doing it too.

I am ready to turn around the final image. The final loss on Voyager in this timeframe. As ready as I will ever be to confront my own death. I turn around the image of the admiral. I can tell this is unexpected, there is utter silence from the crew, the only sounds are the running hum of voyager. It is hard to say all that is in my heart, because I am conflicted, conflicted between my pride that I came back to do the job right, and voyager meant so much to me to get the whole crew home, and horror, that I gave up my life to do this, sacrificed my life, and that it wasn't me, but was. I hate time travel and all the paradoxes it brings, but I have to admire my perseverance and constancy. So, taking a deep breath, this is where I start. 'it is hard to say something about a woman who made a promise to her crew, lived that promise and died for that promise, the promise to get them home. It is even harder to say something about that woman, when she is/was/will be you. My God, am I proud of the admiral, and humbled by her perseverance and her sacrifice. She exemplifies my love for you, and in Janeway fashion, went with this love to the ultimate expression, she laid down her life so that we could get home. And lets not forget, kick Borg ass on the way. Thankyou Admiral. I promise, not only for the admiral, but for all our lost crewmen that I will live my life to the full, celebrating our journey, enjoying the company of all my voyager family, but also by not living in the past, but embracing the future, utilising the skills the delta quadrant has given me. I promise never to forget, and carry them into my future, the future they helped bring about but were unable to enjoy. To our loved, lost but never forgotten voyagers' and I salute, as do the whole crew.

I know that at somepoint following disembarking and briefing, we are going to have another formal memorial service for the Starfleet crew lost. It will have trumpets ringing the last post, admirals and assorted unknown brass pontificating about things they don't know for people they never met or remembered, being part of a big show. I know it will be important for the families that were left behind to believe that their loved ones were valued, and they were. But here, for us on voyager, this is the memorial that will matter, this time to pause, reflect and say goodbye. I allow myself the freedom of showing my emotion and don't wipe away the silent tear that tracks down my cheek. I was honoured by their service, their love and their persistence in the face of unmitigatable disaster. I accept the pain of their loss.

We all have a minutes silence. Then Chell unveils two more images, Neelix and Kes, both much loved, who found their own path away from us, Neelix with a new life and family, and Kes, eventually, with a return home. We raise a cheer for them and a further group of images of our borg children, One, and Marika, from Seven's small collective, who stayed with us as a guest. We honour all of them as temporary denizens of Voyager, but in my heart, Neelix and Kes most of all. I hear someone shout that perhaps Neelix should have a pin made from leola root, quickly answered by another wit suggesting that leola root voyager pins are on the menu at the party in Neelixes honour. I laugh with them. We are resilient, us voyagers, we feel sorrow and loss deeply, but have learnt that we must also live in the moment and laugh and find joy. We mustn't put off for the tomorrows that may never come the joys that we could have today. Well, I may have come late to that understanding!

I gaze at this room, containing as many of our voyager family who could squeeze within the mess hall, and the images of those no longer with us, and I begin to feel at peace for the first time in seven years. I have stuck to Starfleet propriety as much as possible, never wilfully broken the prime directive, though it may have been bent on occasion, and in retrospect particularly with the hirogen and their subsequent sentient hologram prey, this was not a good idea. But we are back, with losses, but not as many as I had feared, and we are a Starfleet family. I pass my own imposed test. I finally forgive myself the destruction of the caretakers array, I have known since I made the decision that it was the correct decision, and my only regret was the harm to the crew rather than the decision itself. I forgive myself the mistakes of equinox and my singleminded pursuit of ransom, I forgive myself the void. I know where these self destructive tendencies were born, I recognise it, but in some way, forgiving and celebrating the admiral, I have forgiven and celebrated myself, and recognise we share the same ideals and strengths as well as weaknesses. We are the same. I sacrificed myself for my ship to the Borg, and yet here I am, with the opportunity to live fully still.

I wave imperiously at my crew, and they laugh, 'to the bridge!' I cry. ' last one there shouts me my coffee!' to their general laughter and grumbling at my coffee addiction we move out, they all let me pass, as well as naomi and chakotay so that we arrive at the turbolift first. Again the corridors lined with the crew that didn't fit in the mess hall, and this time someone has added that tickertape programme that B'Elanna had made for engineering. Naomi is twirling ahead of us, so happy and laughing with the confetti falling on her. I smile at him, linking our arms and he smirks back. He waves his hand,' look, it is following you, my captain' and so it is. He will still need to shout me coffee though, as Naomi and I smartly jump into the turbolift first.

'Bridge'

Chapter 14: Chapter 14 - watching and remembering

Naomi Wildman

That was so sad. Thinking of all the people that had died. I am so glad mom had come to the mess. She stood with me as I took the images, and bent down beside me when people I remember were called out. I remember that mom nearly died too. All the way round the captain has remembered me as we met people, and even skipped in the last corridor – that was fun. But here in the mess, she is surrounded by her dead people, the people she has left behind. I can see how sad she is and remember what she said about leaving people behind. She looks so lonely in some of the images that I have taken. It is hard to think of the captain alone, making decisions and losing some of her family.

As we look at the pictures of Kes and Neelix, I put my hand in the captains, and give it a squeeze. She looks at me and smiles. I hope someone has taken an image of the captain with me.

Walking down the corridor with the tickertape falling on my head I twirl around laughing in front of the captain and chakotay, I think they are laughing too as well, and I notice they have linked arms. I jump into the turbolift quickly before the captain tho, as I don't want to shout her the coffee

Reg Barclay

The images have been coming through thick and fast after a pause in astrometrics. It is wonderful, no amazing to see voyager so close. I am hoping that I will be able to visit, and have asked the doctor to ask the captain. I hadn't ever really thought about the losses they had had out there. Watching the images come in of the captain and all voyagers dead is so moving. Naomi has taken wonderful images of each group, and as I send all of these out to pathfinder I know there are going to be tears. I have no idea who that old woman at the end is. She looks like the captain?

The pathfinder battleaxes – the Admirals Women as the pathfinder families call them– are soon asking me questions. I have to keep wtelling them I am just in the middle, but between them they give me no peace. Why can't they just be grateful with what I am sending them. I have to remind them who Icheb is, and no, I hadn't realised he was the captains son, and that is why she is hugging him so tightly. I hadn't noticed, she seems to be hugging everyone.

Phoebe Janeway

'That's my nephew!' I shout when we get the pictures. Mum and I laugh and giggle. We had told the other pathfinders the gossip as soon as we got it through, that Katie was formalising her adoption of a son! I can't really imagine her a mother, but she has missed out the hard bit of it. I give him a good look. He looks happy, I am sure we can ignore the metal work, actually it looks good on him. I notice the other ex Borg, and she is beautiful, stunningly so. She left when she was so young, and so Irene has never shown any adult pictures of her. We all congratulate her. She has struggled with being a pathfinder, at not having a close relationship with Annika, as she calls her. We certainly all gasp though. Stunning! I also notice the arm she places on Chakotay in the formal image. The images peter out and we start to grumble. I know mum will be terrorising poor reg at pathfinder to get some more.

That is better! When they return we see the corridor and the crew lining it cheering on their command team. Sekaya and I smile at each other. We are the luckiest as we see so much of our siblings. The other people are pointing out when their family appear and cheering. Mum has arranged an oceanful of different drinks and a mountain of nibbling food, and we are all gradually getting merry.

The next images come as a complete shock. I should have realised Katie wouldn't let go of anything, and I am so proud of her for giving the dead their time in the celebration. I wish more than Joe's wife and children were here. Looking at mum, she is already busy, and I know those images will find their way to the right homes. Those homes where they still can't bear to hear that voyager has returned, that lost their family years ago and had this loss confirmed when the rest of us had joy. Remembering back to how terrible that day had been for some, instead of all being united in grief they had found themselves a small group of still bereaved whilst we had our hope back. Withdrawing away, it was just the AW's that kept them informed with comms, checking up on them and the children, making sure they had the Starfleet pensions and support. Knowing that their loved ones are still remembered on the Voyager Triumphant will be bittersweet, but will help give that closure. I am sure Kathryn will see them all. I am proud of her.

Irene Hansen

I look at the images of Annika s she appears. I look to see signs of my brother, of the little girl I once knew. It is hard, i just see the metal. I lost her so very long ago, that hearing that she was alive wasn't the joyous upswell of hope that the other pathfinders have had. How are you supposed to feel a connection for a child you only met twice? Annika has only talked to me briefly, finding conversation often irrelevant. It is difficult to hear her true voice in the careful questions she asks almost by wrote, but I wonder whether it is that we need to meet to make that connection. She is clearly struggling with the voyager assumption that we will all be close and overjoyed on our reunion, i wonder whether she is nervous. I am not sure whether she is looking for family here at all. I will do my best to give her a home, and prepare the rest of the family to meet up for our own reunion party from her mothers side as well. She has lots of cousins of her age and older both on Earth and elsewhere in the federation, and we are all agreed that we will welcome her back into our midst.

When I look at her image, I concur that she is classically beautiful, but I cannot see her character, as she clearly holds in her emotions, ties them in as strictly as her hair. She gazes directly at us from the image, challenging my preconceptions, confident in herself. I hold in the shudder at the implants. Sometimes i feel like an imposter at the pathfinder events. I see all the others with worries and tears of joy, gasping at the images of those they are desperate to hold. At most, I feel grief for my long dead brother, a grief that has turned to ashes many years ago and no longer burns hot. For Annika, i feel only duty. We Hansens are good at duty, and as soon as i can i will be taking her back to her family.

Chell

I am besides myself with all the organising i have had to do. When the captain agreed that i could take over Neelix pans, i was surprised, she hadnt even tried anything i had cooked - tho to be fair, by then we had grown used to the majority of neelixes cooking over nearly seven years. But I have had lots of the food ordered via admiral paris, lots and lots of eating whilst dancing, talking food. They called it finger food, and I was relieved to see that it didn't look like fingers. I have made a number of delta quadrant specialities to hide in the mix, I haven't identified them in any way! leola root fancies, talaxian surprises!

I am pleased to be back in the alpha quadrant, pleased to be leaving this ship behind. i need to see some of my own people. There were just too many humans on this ship for me. In the end we rubbed along OK, and i will admire captain janeway from afar, but i am not part of her family. She was right to run this as a starfleet deal, but i hated it, all the timings, the orders, the organisation, the stricture of the structure. I was so envious of Neelix, that when he left, I knew that i needed his role, his job if i was going to survive on this ship much longer. Then we get back so quickly!

I will go back home a starfleet officer, and find some nice cushy number somewhere. There aren't many bolians in starfleet for a reason! so i can use that notoriety. I might open a restaurant somewhere if i cant find anything better, lots would come due to voyager.

I am grateful for the old girl tho, so I make sure that the remembrance ceremony goes well. There are friends of mine in that list too. She does them proud, she does us all proud. I don't mind telling anyone that there were tears dripping down me from that. I am proud of the battleaxe. I make doubly sure that the catering for this evening is perfect, and send some of the best things to her quarters, for her when she comes back to the quiet, to show that after all, I do care, we all care. I know that she will remember me with affection. Ha! I survived the delta quadrant! . Not bad for a Bolian. indeed.

Elizabeth Paris

My boy is coming home a man. bringing a wife and daughter with him. my husband is renewed by this. All through katie janeway. I am going to have to eat humble pie and be grateful to Katie Janeway.

Gretchen and i had to remake our friendship after voyager got lost. we had argued after we failed to cope with the loss of our husbands, mine to the cardassians and guilt, and hers to misadventure. Katie had had a central role in both these losses, but Owen would never talk of her and Gretchen lost patience with me. She was right, i had only been seeing my problems, and at that time, our boy finally broke, had to resit an academy year - would have been out if it weren't for Owen - and i blamed that on Katie too. She seemed to have sailed through the cardassian adventure, tho tying my owen to her, so much so that i stopped using her name. Then somehow she tied tom to her as well, well, i can guess how, but she was supposed to be engaged at the time. I blamed her for so much. Gretchen defended Katie, but i knew she was hiding something then, that I should have known about, that i was shut out from. When gretchen lost edward, and katie drowned in the grief for justin, we started to talk, Gretchen and I. I thought it would lead us back to our friendship, our hardships, our need for support outside the family. It didnt happen like that. We were both to obstinate and opinionated, and i was trapped in my unhappy marriage with a taciturn and sullen husband who had once been the central point of any gathering, and my son was drinking and whoring in france, getting a loud reputation for bad attitude. I was so ashamed of how my family had ended up, and whether i could have made things work out differently. I blamed Katie, and although i tried to hide it, gretchen could see led to arguing and finally a ceasefire and disconnect between us. We who had always been like sisters, were now split apart

When voyager was lost, i was again angry with Katie, having completely taken my son from me. Owen beside himself with worry, knowing that he had all but disinherited Tom the last time they had met. But when I saw Gretchen and Phoebe and Katies new fiancee, Mark, all my anger and hatred just melted. I saw another mother who had lost her child and folded her into a huge embrace. We talked properly, and Gretchen finally told me the full cardassian tale, and i understood why owen hadnt! I forgave Katie, after all, there was nothing there to forgive, I should be asking for her forgiveness. Certainly owen should! I think tho, that somewhere in voyagers travels, he and katie have come to an understanding of that time, it no longer haunts him, and her name springs from his lips all the time without any shadow. Gretchen showed me that i let my feelings about owen dupe me into imagining the same about Tom. Hearing about Katie's devastation after the dual losses, i cant imagine that Tom was anything to her around that time. So we make our friendship anew, Gretchen and I.

We become the Admirals Wives [AW's] and keep in touch with all the lost crew-members family whilst we wait for news. We are the link, messaging, helping financially, bulllying starfleet, making sure the families get the care they need. And then they are declared missing in action, presumed dead after two years, so that the widows and children can receive the starfleet pension, and families and friends can start to move on. Gretchen and I never moved on. We realised we weren't the only ones, so we continued the Voyager support group, for all, either believers they were alive, or pragmatists moving on. All were welcome. So many mothers, some spouses, less children. I never thought Mark would move on from Katie, but Gretchen persuaded him, pushed him into the arms of someone else, and they now have a family, and Gretchen treats them like her own. But the believers of us stood firm, and were eventually proved right. Voyager was out there, in the delta quadrant! katie was going to bring them home, including my son. I forgave katie and now am so grateful for her. My sisterhood with Gretchen was fully restored. She lives in the moment, and would say we were always sisters, just separated for a while, even to herself. I am grateful beyond measure that i have her friendship back.

We lost them again for a bit, but we had a champion now in starfleet, Reg Barclay! an odd man, but a good heart and determined and dogged, and in love with the romance of voyager. Owen sprang to life again and pathfinder was born. My husband came back to me, reg got us news of the voyagers in the end, through the Midas array, and finally, we have Voyager, it is getting closer, and we have had not only reg's images, but the ones come in from starfleet of their arrival, and the ship with its escort. We have views coming in from utopia planetia long range, as voyager is nearly in range of earth. They are nearly here!

Wen Katie goes into the mess and the memorial to those who were lost, we all stand up. they ex and active starfleet amongst us stand to attention. I feel my tears flow. I am so lucky to have both my men back, and some lost theirs to the delta quadrant. Cavit's mother turns to me and we embrace. She whispers that she hadn't thought he would be remembered, lost so soon. She is one of the few family of the initially lost to be with us. for most, it has been seven years since they went, 5 years since they were MIA presumed dead, and 3 years with that confirmed. They don't want to or cant bear to be part of our celebration. Cavit's mother couldn't leave us though, this last link to her only son. I came so close to being her. Thankyou Captain Janeway, for this moment for all the lost ones.

I have loved seeing all the images, and I have a granddaughter. I have a granddaughter! More champagne anyone? let us toast now to the Voyager family, those that have returned to us, and those that were lost. let us toast their brave captain, who never gave in and never gave up.

-0-0-0-0-

I know these chapters are coming through a bit more slowly than i planned, and it is taking longer to get to the party too! however, good news, in that i have determined a crucial scene in a couple of chapters time, so now i just need to race before it. It is feeling surprisingly good putting this story out, it makes me feel more at peace with endgame!

Chapter 15: Chapter 15 - captain on the bridge

I stride out of the turbolift and I am back on the bridge, my bridge. In 24 hours everything has changed, even in the last couple of hours everything has changed. I am home in the alpha quadrant, and I have made peace with that. I am home on voyager, and I have a plan for that. My family are waiting for me on earth, and my heart is singing that I will see them. My family are here on voyager, and we have started celebrating, and will have a much bigger celebration this evening. I grin. Against all expectation, life is good. We are safe.

'captain on the bridge'

I nod at Tuvok, and the assembled command team, our alpha, beta and gamma bridge crew, the people that have stood here with me for every fight that I have fought over the last 7 years, every success, every near failure, every crisis. My crew. I look at chakotay and amend that, our crew. The shock is that now we are home, I just cant see how I can leave Voyager. So I start with that, and tell the crew that as I look round at all their familiar faces, that have worked together with me these last seven years through every crisis, that I am struggling to imagine life without them. Without them, we wouldn't be here today, that they have provided Voyager with the best service imaginable, that I truly believe that they are the best bridge crew in the federation, and the evidence is that we are here, we have come back to Earth. That whatever happens, wherever all our paths take us, we are always going to be voyager family and I am always going to be looking out for them, ready to listen and help. I will always belong to I say this, we are in our solar system, and slow to impulse as earth gradually becomes clear on the viewscreen. We all stare, and tears fill our eyes. There it sits, maginified currently, so we can see the precious jewel of blue green and white. we pass close to Jupiter, and then, on a whim, make a loop around mars and flash our running lights at utopia planetia - I know that is Tom all over. I bat back a comm from admiral paris, suddenly worried about our detour, and say that we just wanted to show our appreciation. We are right back on track for earth, getting slowly bigger in the viewscreen.

'Kim' I order ' split screen this to all stations'

'Janeway to all hands'

'We have reached Earth!'

I thank then all for the red alerts, the quick thinking, the exemplary piloting, targeting, making command decisions on the fly. I am proud of them all. I look at everyone of the alpha, beta and gamma shifts, in turn and thank them. Coming down to the conn, I ask them to stand to attention in formation on the deck in front of the screen, and with amazing military precision – I imagine I should thank Tuvok again, as he has diligently run drills and exercises through the last 7 years, whereas I have just concentrated on our survival. Damn but they look good. I salute them, and they salute back . I give all the team their voyager pins, though tom and tuvok already have theirs. I know all the images Naomi takes will have Earth growing ever bigger in the viewscreen. We are home! My team stand to attention, and I am sure Harry might even burst with pride. Actually, I might!

Chakotay is the last to receive his pin, and I turn and present it infront of our command chairs. 'Commander Chakotay, First Officer to Voyager, for your dedication, unstinting support and unfailing attention to duty, I am very proud to award you your Voyager pin. You have been a constant presence at my left shoulder, ensuring that I perform my duties to the best of my abilities, you meticulous attention to crew detail and your unofficial counselling service has kept this ship functioning. I could not have asked for a better executive officer. Please wear this pin with pride.'

there are mass shouts and cheers, but i am too caught by the intensity of his eyes, and fumble to pin the medal to his chest, his hands come up to help, and with the touch my whole being burns with the need to be enfolded in his embrace, to feel those lips, so close, on mine. Damn, if things were different, I would certainly have kissed him, here in front of all the crew, in front of Earth. Instead, i bite my lower lip, will back the possibility of tears by sheer force, and step back with a professional smile, breaking the eye contact.

Since I am now gazing at my crew and earth, I think i am allowed a tear, even if I smile widely as well. 'Just look at it! Earth! and the right century as well!' we all clap and cheer. i put up my hand for silence, and Harry opens the commlink to all the crew. 'On behalf of all the voyager crew, I would like to thank our wonderful ship for keeping us safe, and becoming a home. three cheers for voyager.' i nod at Chakotay to lead the cheering, and join in enthisiastically. Chakotay carries on once the cheers have died down.

'you may all be wondering where the voyager pin presentation is for Captain Janeway, and the observant of you may well have seen that she has worn it all around the ship. Once she had it, she couldnt remove it and put it back. There will always be a piece of voyager with our captain, and you will never drag them apart! I certainly couldn't. ' there are cheers and laughter at this, and i bite my lower lip, looking at him for the double meaning. He is right, I married Voyager for the duration of this journey, she is an essential part of who I am, and when I leave her, my heart will flinch at the loss.

I tap my foot, 'chakotay?' i query, putting my hands on my hips. But he smiles at me, 'three cheers for captain janeway' and I am deafened by the response, and the tears flow for real. He strides towards me and lifts me up, with Tom joining on the otherside, so that I am on their shoulders, like a sports player receiving a cup. I look down at both of them and laugh! 'Tom! Chakotay!' and the cheering carries on. I beg them not to pass me to other crewmembers like a mascot. 'Captains are not mascots!' but they turn, clearly choreographed in front of the conn, so earth in all its glory is behind us, and the bridge team line up either side, and that is how our iconic photo is taken. The victorious captain and her enthusiastic crew, with earth on the viewscreen behind. we all know that this is going to be the image that fednews lead with. We invite the leads from the other departments to join us, B'Elanna, Sam, Seven, and Tuvok is already there, and take another image. B'Elanna slides in next to Tom, with Miral still strapped to her, and Seven next to Chakotay. I trust my men to support me, and let go the deathgrip around their heads, and raise my arms as a gesture of victory. Then I ruffle their hair, and smirk at each of them in turn. 'my minions! time to put me down boys.' Clearly with some reluctance they agree, and i slide to the floor. Tom turns and hugs B'elanna, all the crew are laughing and cheering at earth and the noise is deafening.

But where I am, there is a silence and a peace and I am left again gazing at Chakotay, whilst seven insistently pulls on his arm to turn him around. Instead he takes his hand in mine, and raises it, in the gesture of new earth, and I place my free hand on his chest. Without conscious thought, my head tilts up and we move closer, not breaking the gaze that passes between us. I know he feels this moment just as I do, my heart is beating faster, we are moving in to share our first kiss.

seven is clearly stronger and more determined, and pulls hard so that chakotay swings around, and his hand tears out of mine. 'you must desist, you are in a relationship' At that moment Admiral Paris is on the comm to speak to me. I notice Naomi gazing at me, a worried expression on her face, so I smile, and then catch site of chakotay with seven clutching at his arms, remonstrating. What a mess, a bloody awful mess. I cannot believe that I am now in some stupid position of openly jockeying with the most beautiful woman on this ship, whom i love as a daughter, for the affections of my first officer. After the walk around the ship, my emotions are everywhere, I am not sure what path to follow. I should just detach, let him go.

He catches my gaze and disengages her arms, moving towards me, and I back away. Admiral Paris just yells a 'congratulations, there is no need to talk' into the mix, so i wave at him, and then with Chakotay clearly following, announce I am going to be in the ready room. I march in preparing for one hell of a fight.

Chapter 16: Chapter 16 - chit chat around the storm

tuvok to captain janeway:

we are maintaiing orbit, moved to skeleton staff, no further intrusion anticipated.

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

Have we decided on the present? I think the vote looks overwhelming for whiskey decanter and some tumblers. Vorik has volunteered to make this happen. Thankyou for all the choices of phrases to put on one of them. We plan to leave out the swearing, as that only happened in engineering, Jeffries tubes, ready room, shuttles, well it didn't happen on the bridge, much, and so we are going to forget it.

. . . . .

Torres to vorik:

Vorik, please get on with it. Potential designs are under torres sigma 38 janeway

. . . . .

Scuttlebutt:

Command team in the ready room, prepare the sickbay for a code white

. . . .

tuvok to paris:

i think that was uncalled for

. . . .

EMH to paris:

a code white is no laughing matter. Is this likely?

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

query from the rank 'n file - so what are we missing? what happened on the bridge?

. . . .

Kim to chell:

Can we please mark the leola food in some way, so I can avoid?

. . . .

Chell to kim:

There is no leola food.

. . . .

vorik to torres:

it is done

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

it was beautiful, earth was there, you saw the images of the captain on tom and chakotays shoulder? it was very emotional. i am sure naomi took an image that has been pulled

. . . .

chell to paris

the leola food is blue

. . . .

celes to telfer:

U r my d8 ok?

. . . .

celes to seven of nine:

can we meet and talk. i think you need some 'girl talk' or relationship advice. who has been giving you advice to now?

. . . .

Seven of nine to commander chakotay:

I request your presence in cargo bay 2 to confirm the parameters of our relationship and our forthcoming date outcomes.

. . . .

seven of nine to celes:

you have 15 minutes too advise me regarding the proper provision for a public date. I presume you have expertise in this area. I anticipate the commander should have returned from the bridge in this timeframe. It would not be appropriate for him to overhear my enquiry.

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

have prepared sash 'do it' and tiara for the latter part of the evening. Can we crown and sash her properly, as in throne and everything. I do not mean chaoticas throne Paris. X your everloving secretary!

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

OMG! ok, i can see why it was pulled. are they still in the ready room? is it too late to place bets?

. . . .

Ayala to paris:

You have the maquis music and I hope it isn't all 20th century? I plan to outdance you tonight, up for a bet? Who can have the hottest dance with the captain? See u flyboy

. . . .

Paris to ayala:

See me and weep maquisbeta! You are ON!

. . . .

Ayala to paris

I'll give you maquisbeta! jailbait

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

A new bet has been uploaded on sexiest dancer

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

A new bet has been uploaded for best dance with the captain

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

The betting on the captain and commanders relationship has been closed until further notice.

. . . .

Torres to paris:

If you have so much free time, move your butt, come back and take Miral, so I can go get ready with the captain. P'tak

. . . .

Icheb to captain janeway:

Mom, when should I come and pick you up and what should I wear? Respectfully, Icheb

. . . .

Scuttlebutt

emergency throne complete

. . . .

Telfer to celes:

R u sure? Comm me when ready, pre-party drinks?

. . . .

Telfer to kim:

Yes! I have a date! Do you?

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

Telfer has a date? Anyone want to cast bets?

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

A new bet has been uploaded for date for billy telfer

. . . .

Torres to captain janeway:

I have pressed tom into having miral so we can dress together and get party ready. Have the replicator rations to get us into the party mood, tom has the music programme sorted. I may need to apologise! Comm me when ready. He is a p'tak whatever you say. tell me *all* about it.

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

The captains dance card is now full

. . . .

Telfer to kim:

Oi ensign eager, was that you?

. . . .

EMH to seven of nine:

Do you wish to have a final rehearsal? Have you an appropriate outfit for this evenings festivities? I hope that we may have a dance during the formal section, if you feel it appropriate.

. . . .

Scuttlebutt:

The captain has left the ready room and left the bridge. flushed but no obvious emotions. difficult to call. We are going with off not on.

. . . .

S Wildman to captain janeway

Do you need to talk? Can slip away from getting naomi ready for a short while? B'elanna said she would inveigle tom into miral duties, so if it doesn't work, call me as backup, or call me anyway! Can drop naomi with icheb once ready and then they can come together? pre-party drinks?

. . . .

Captain janeway to icheb:

I am really looking forwards to seeing you all dressed up for the party. I have put in a replicator pattern janeway 63 icheb for you to wear – a tux and tie number. If you get stuck with the bow tie, I will help you out when you come to pick me up – remember, I like to be 30 mins late! Sam will be dropping naomi off with you and so please bring her too. Really looking forwards to your company. Mom x x [isn't it great!]

. . . .

Seven of nine to EMH:

I have just had an informative conversation with Tal Celes. I am awaiting the commander, I have acquired the song. I believe one dance would be acceptable while I am on date. I believe that the dancing will not be exclusive.

. . . .

Seven of nine to commander chakotay:

As you are no longer in conference with the captain, I request a confirmation and acceptance of my invitation.

. . . .

Ayala to chakotay:

old man, i think you could do with a friendly ear. comm me when you are ready. if you don't comm, expect me to come and find you and speak instead of listen. don't do anything you might regret before talking it through.

. . . .

Captain Janeway to Torres

You are a lifesaver. Mine will be a double scotch. Not a complete p'tak, but close, will tell you more when you join me. Sam coming too. Kathryn.

. . . .

Captain Janeway to S Wildman

Good idea, have told icheb. Will comm after shower, turn up when ready after that. Kathryn

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

the delaney sisters hope you all have dancing feet.

. . . .

Paris to all users:

have put party music up to get you in the mood! ParisParty 647 we_ made_ it!

. . . .

Paris to captain janeway

you have a special winners section - ParisParty 648 the_ winner_takes_it_all. good dancing music, play extra loud so your neighbour can hear you party - will be telling this to B'E. we have hologrammatic ear defenders for Miral. I expect at least one dance for old times and even older times sake, Katie x Tom_of_the_janeway_pack

. . . .

tuvok to chakotay:

I am reluctant to disturb you in the readyroom, as i have ascertained that you still maintain lifesigns. Do you, however, require assistance? The security lock is still on.

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

the commander is still in the readyroom. rumours abound that he has fallen on his sword, been terminated by a death glare, captured by the Q or plain deceased. Your call.

. . . .

tuvok to captain janeway:

the commander has yet to leave the readyroom and it has been nearly 30 minutes since you left. do i need to be concerned.

. . . .

seven of nine to commander chakotay

this is the third comm message. Please respond.

. . . .

chell to admiral paris

all the requisitions have arrived, thankyou.

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

betting on the commanders mode of death has been banned as in bad taste by she who must be obeyed

. . . .

Coffeeaddict[encrypted] to MaquisAlpha [encrypted]:

get your ass out of my ready room, dress up and game on. party tonight, think tomorrow. if you don't move it, expect me in 5 with an away team. [love kathryn x]

btw, all my coffee is on your rations tomorrow, and i will need a lot. x

. . . .

MaquisAlpha [encrypted] to Coffeeaddict[encrypted]

noted

. . . .

scuttlebutt:

the commander has left the ready room, he appears to be alive and well, carrying something and smiling. thank the/his spirits! rumours of his demise are unfounded.

-0-0-0-

a slightly different chapter to give an emotional breather before we dive into the ready room next. the points of view will return, as once we have braved the ready room and seen what happens, we have a party to get ready for and then deliver. I might need a small pause after the ready room!

s/12336134/1/Just-good-friends has a chapter add on that ties in [M, chapter 6]

Chapter 17: Chapter 17 - denouement in the readyroom

I briskly march into the ready room and whirl around to face him. Red alert klaxons are blaring in my subconscious. This is the moment I guess, the dénouement, the reckoning. Just how bad will it be? I look at him, and I *am* his captain. Chin up, hands on hip,

'just how bad will this be, chakotay?'

I ask, a deprecating smile on my face, consciously dropping my voice to an intimate setting. I give him only a few seconds, and am surprised to see anger flare in his eyes, causing me to turn back and continue to the window, something I have done to centre me throughout or journey. This time I'm looking out onto earth. Earth! I expect him to follow me, but i can sense he hasn't moved. I await his response.

'fucking hell, Kathryn. How could i have known, why couldn't you have said something. How did you finally admit you love me, in front of the whole crew, and then just sacrifice it. Is this for real Kathryn? Seven fucking years I have loved you, you have fought us, pushed me away until I am sure there is nothing left, and then... why Kathryn? Some stupid heroine plot where you save the day and appear to lose everything? What? I don't want to be part of your sacrifice, i need to know what is real. I don't want you to sacrifice us Kathryn, for spirits sake, I'm not sure what 'us' is after all. Just what the fuck is going on.' He bellows at me, an angry warrior once again. There is rage in his eyes, and I take a step back. This is not what I expected, that he would think I played him.

'What do you think is going on Chakotay, I love you. I waited for you because I had to put the ship first, I am the damned captain for gods sake. I couldn't stand there and give you promises I might never get to deliver on. I have loved only you, and yet, when it gets tough, you pulled awy. what was i supposed to say then? I love you, so you cant have a chance of happiness? Do you think my love isn't real? did you not feel that connection on the bridge, before when we have laughed and consoled each other? I love you!' I cry vehemently, and then softer 'I love you, Chakotay. and you? What about you? I'm not sure, are you sure? But Seven seems sure. Damn, you have slept with her!' against my will, my voice rises, and there is a cry in it. I rest my forehead against the window and try to breathe calm, concentrating on the vision of earth. I am a captain, I am not weak.

'it was just two kisses, two fucking, fucking kisses' . the shouted words are torn out of his mouth and hit me like a spread of photon torpedos 'never anything more! we had four, chaste dates! For spirits sake, look at me Kathryn'

Coolly, although my heart is beating so fast that I cant believe only i can hear it, I look back round and raise an eyebrow. He stands in front of the door, tension is being unleashed from him as his anger and agitation finally rip out of him and he starts pacing. He orders a lockdown on my ready room! Masterful, I like it! I can feel the adrenaline of battle, and now I am really looking forwards to it. I need a resolution to this, I am not sure that the battle is lost, and I always like to play from a desperate position. Hands on my hips and chin up, I gaze at him, and I can tell that he knows that this time it is him on the other side of the viewscreen. He has my full, undiluted attention. I wrap inside me my anger over the whole secret seven romance .

'tell me, chakotay' I purr, dangerously ' *just* a kiss?' I slink up towards him, predatory now, and I can see alarm in his eyes. Too late Chakotay. I push into his personal space, we face each other inches apart. 'so, in all our years of, what, casting my feelings aside, never indulging my desires, following protocol, keeping a professional friendship, 'just' a kiss wouldn't count? Would have been entirely unremarkable, without consequence?'

Behind my deceptively soft voice I realise I am angry, very angry. How dare he! I am angry that he moved on, I am angrier that it was with seven, and angriest still that he didn't tell me, and allowed me to find out in front of the whole crew, even if the admiral had forewarned me. And the downgrading of this supposedly earth shattering, marriage made in heaven romance to a 'just' a kiss excuse, makes it all completely worthless. Reduces him in my eyes, I cant believe he would play with someone, and not seven. I don't know what to believe. My traitor body is still craving his touch, the gravitation commenced on the bridge as me moved closer, still consumes me, and that makes me angrier still.

He stumbles with his words, nothing comes out and then he just yells and curses. 'Kathryn, I don't know, I don't know, fuck!'

Undeterred, I move in, and without thinking this through, I lift my head up and brush a soft kiss across his lips, holding my lips lightly against his. What has got into me, such a dangerous move as I want so much more. Oh but they feel so soft, so gentle, I could stay there and complete the embodiment of seven years of desire suppressed, but with a soft moan I pull away slowly. I slowly breathe and come back to myself. 'is that 'just' a kiss' chakotay?' I husk as I move away, dammit, it was worth doing! Chakotay is frozen still. It takes all I have not to move in again for a more thorough, passionate kiss. I remove myself from temptation, go off to the replicator and order a large glass of pinot grigio to down swiftly. His move.

'drinking Kathryn? On duty?' he growls

'well since I finally have just kissed my first officer' I drawl ' I might as well make a series of offences against Starfleet regulation'. 'so, lets do this, sort out whatever is going on, make sure that you know whatever it is you need to know. You have my full and undivided attention. Ask me' I order, and leaning against my desk, chin high, I prepare for whatever it is that he will say back.

'did you 'just kiss' kashyk too?'

Ooh, good call! all that tactics paying off, straight into attack. We are clearly going to go for the jugular. 'do you want wine too chakotay? Hell no, there was no 'just' in that game, it was everything I could play with, use to my advantage. Everything Chakotay. I gambled all I could to save us. Dammit, You knew that, you could hardly bear to look at me, either during or afterwards. Did I shame you? Did you not want to know the price I was paying?' I'm not going to let him off easily.

'did you love him Kathryn?' he doesnt answer my questions, but immediately responds with an attack 'Did you look forwards to his arrival? Did you want him to stay? Did you, did you fuck him?' pent up emotion pushes out the words faster, the pacing increases, and an antarian cider is replicated and quickly drunk.

'love him? love him?' I shout 'Chakotay, what the hell do you take me for? He was an evil, sick, traitorous, handsome bastard chakotay. But I admit to enjoying the game, I liked winning, a lot. Would it make you feel better to be able to damn me for this? A whore for my ship, but not on your conscience? It isn't your burden. No, of course I didn't want him to stay, and yes' I hiss the last out. I hope that the revelation hurts him, as much as the act born out of final desperation, the knowing betrayal, had hurt me at the time. A knife wound to my soul as i realised just how far i would go for my ship. Why i went crazy over Ransome, a mirror to my future. We were two different sides of the same sacrifical coin. I sacrificed me, he sacrificed anything else, but both for our ships and crews. God, there is so much misunderstanding to untangle.

We are standing glaring at each other. Pent up emotions of hatred, lust, passion emanate from both of us. I had not planned to fight like this, but to accept gracefully my defeat and his moving. What are we doing? What am I doing? Our conversation is more treacherous than a delta quadrant nebula, can we safely traverse it back to friendship, or more.

This time it is Chakotay invading my personal space and roughly pulling me into his arms and as he kisses me with abandon, stamping his love onto me or seeking to possess me. A longing sweeps over me, and I melt into his arms as his lips push against mine. God, this is the kiss i have wanted for so long, and I have dreamt of when lonely at night. He licks my lower lip, nibbling until I give way fully to the passionate embrace pushing me, demanding me. I'm not denying him. I'm not sure I have the strength to deny him, I need this just as much and launch myself fully into passion, into desire. I have waited five years for this embrace, giving way to my feelings, putting protocol aside. I put all the love and fire I possess into that kiss, and by god does he kiss back. It is more than I believed possible. Annealed together with the heat of it, I feel the flames burn and there is no hiding. Here we are, with earth outside, on our ship and this feels like the journeys end that should have happened. We stand together as one in our private immolation. We are a binary star circling closer and closer until with a spectacular conflagration of love, passion and desire we explode into one new being. There is no going back from this kiss for me. I am utterly committed. i desire to take this kiss to the logical conclusion, to follow into the full physical expression of our passion, and I know I am not alone in this. Chakotay's hands caress me, he continues to kiss me as if his life is captured within this moment, I feel his body pressing hard against me within this kiss, and it would take so very little, so very little ... I am softening against his hardness already.

And I know it is wrong. I have more strength than I want, I have the strength to do the right thing after all. He is dating seven. I say it to myself again before I pull away and murmur 'not just a kiss at all' and turn to sit down at my desk. My legs can no longer hold me up, I need to hide my own shaking and so close my eyes and sit quietly and still. I have passed my own unknown test, and I don't know whether I have just broken my own heart, or saved our possible future with my honesty. We can't stop this conversation yet. I need to know that he forgives me, that he can make a clear choice. I already know forgiving him is irrelevant, it was already done.

'next question' I whisper. He looks briefly as if he is going to argue, or pull me back into an embrace, but instead starts striding again.

'dammit chakotay, you are wearing out the carpet' my voice recovers.

'jaffen' he shouts, unreasonable anguished, just one word to summarise a whole quadrant full of his pain. I am back to angry.

'oh yes jaffen' I say, voice dripping malevolance ' lets see, hmm? mind wipe me, place me on a planet the only bit of me left intact is my need for love, and place a good kind man in my path. Perfect happiness, yes? Except, it wasn't me, it never was me, and when my memories returned…' I pause in my tirade, how can I explain when so much is unknown between us ' I, me, this Kathryn did not consent, to love, to sex, to the relationship, but I have to deal with it. I have to forgive a man that acted with honesty and integrity and who would be devastated to know that I don't view this as a loving relationship. I have to forgive the partial shade of me, the mindwiped history free me, the lobotomised sanitised version who ran into his arms. Is this just because it wasn't with you? You see this as a rejection? But it wasn't me, I am not that person. I did not consent. '

Confusion in his eyes. He doesn't get what I am driving at, maybe like Justin he just doesn't want to see the unhappy truth, that to me this was a violation not a happy ever after.

' But you were so free and happy Kathryn, I saw it. I felt terrible taking that happiness away, I felt guilty for removing your happiness. You're I was jealous of that happiness and it tore at me, more than even Kashyk. I wanted to be the one to make you happy, the one to give you pleasure, the one that you came to. Spirits, I had to stay away from you so that I didn't beg you to reconsider your fucking parameters, make your life harder, I stayed away for you. And then I realised that I needed to let you go, cut you out of my heart, I had become weak and pitiful.'

'Dammit chakotay! you stayed away for you! I needed you, and you disowned me, guilty for what I did when I wasn't me. Remember the vhori, chakotay! That Quarran Kathryn was a happy little woman myth, not the real complex fighter captain. How could you have thought her the sum total of me, seen us as the same? Quarra was just a different type of war from the Vhori reconditioning, they were still aiming to break me, fit me in a comfortable box so I would be a model worker rather than an independent thinker, but what they chose to break me with was love, affection, companionship. This wasn't 'real'. I needed you to hold me when I got back, I needed you to show me that you didn't need to forgive me, that you understood, and help me forgive myself, not shun me. Dammit, are you wilfully blind? God how did we get to command a starship together, we are hopeless.' My initial anger drains away, to resignation and the feeling of failure

'anything else? meaningless forgettable holograms? lovers of my past? equinox? borg? what else do you hold against me, what else do i need to explain?' I ask this quietly, but each point hits him clearly and he shakes his head. Our past is clearly too vast for him to discuss more, full of minefields and misapprehensions.

This is the crux of it. 'So is this it, Chakotay, whether we begin or end? This is choice time for you. I can't be that simple, meek and submissive Quarran Kathryn for you, because she doesn't exist. I don't even want her to exist. I am not even the Kathryn of New Earth, who was still finding her feet, her destiny. Instead I truly am the captain of voyager, decisive, arrogant, impossible, argumentative compassionate and caring and I am also Kathryn, passionate, intemperate, loving and hedonistic and I'm setting her free a bit today. I am complicated, I come with history, with mistakes as well as triumphs. Over the next months these two sides of my coin will find a balance, and I know I will like me, like who I am, the me forged in the delta quadrant to be better than I was. This is the person I am offering you. Me.' I need him to understand that I cannot shape myself into a person other than who I am, even for his love. I am pleading with him to hear what I am meaning.

'I love you, and I hope I haven't over-romantisized you over the years. To be frank, I doubt it!' i shrug thinking of all the women, of his tendency to chauvinism, easily offset by all that i love him for, long forgiven and adapted to, 'but if we were to mean anything, this is the me you would need to love, letting go of the past like I have and stepping into an unknown future. I can't promise you happiness, I certainly can't promise you a romanticised ideal, but I am real, and I love you, and will continue to love you. If we ever kiss again, it will never be 'just' a kiss. It will be the start of a commitment from us both to fully explore whether we can make a future, I can accept nothing less. All or nothing Chakotay.'

I have stood up and paced myself to the replicator and back whilst talking and end up in front of Chakotay, also risen to his feet. Finally looking him in the eye, I am not sure of myself. 'At least' I say gently 'I have been utterly honest with you today. My planned gift was my love, and in my top desk draw is something that goes with that, and I am still not sure whether either are wanted or welcome. It seems that my real gift, though, has been my honesty.'

I take a deep breath, because we both know that I have a question too. A question that requires honesty this time.

'So, tell me about Seven'

He moves back, turning on his heel, reciting something he has clearly practised, either as an excuse to himself, or for when asked 'she is charming, naïve, funny and straightforwards, and she chose me kathryn' he said with emphasis. 'she chose me when no-one else would or could. I was lonely' the last tore out of him. 'I saw Tom and B'Elanna making a home and a family, and I wanted that, I needed that, more than anything. I needed to make a home. It and Jaffen wrapped themselves together in my heart, and I believed you only wanted friendship, that there was no future for us. I have been so confused. So when I re-established our friendship, and it worked, but we had lost that closeness, I believed it to be all there was.' I hear the painful honesty in his voice, he doesn't look at me as he recommences pacing 'and I had a void and lost my peace. So when Seven looked at me with interest, I thought it to be the answer, a lifeline out of where I had sunk. And when the admiral frightened her so that she left me, I begged her to reconsider, I couldn't bear that yet another woman could so easily turn away from me. And when I begged her, I begged her with the passion I should have used with you. But when she came back to me, I started to feel hope.' he carries on at a whisper ' i felt hope that i could have happiness and love after all, and that is when I truly left you.'

He stutters to a pause, and finishes his drink. I replicate more wine for me and knock it back.

'forgive me, chakotay, for hurting you so, for not reaching out for your need. We have both been blinded.' wrapped in recovering from jaffen and the usual stressors of the delta quadrant, I had missed seeing just how badly my friend was hurting. I have let him down too. I need to ask a final question, for clarity. My heart sinks at the answer I fear, but it is time.

'so then, Chakotay, what is it to be? What was it that so nearly happened on the bridge out there? what about just now. Was this 'just a kiss'? The needed act to make an end of what we had? A final reckoning, a paeon to our unspoken love, driven to the surface by the emotions of getting home and the passion of our crew, but with nothing that will sustain us into the future? I need you to be clear Chakotay, about your heart, knowing that I am ready to commit to trying. I cant promise either success or that it will be easy. There is still a lot of water under a very battle scarred bridge, but if you...' i realise i cant complete the sentence and my voice fades away, after a deep shuddering breath, i retry 'Chakotay, are you looking forwards with that kiss, or sealing a goodbye?'

He turns to look at me, sadness permeating his expression, and I know.

'Kathryn, I don't know. I am angry still about Kashyk, and Jaffen, the years I have felt myself being subsumed by you. I don't know if I could make it work anymore. I can't be the person I have become. I will always love you, but you are more than I think I can deal with at the moment. I think I have lost the me that I liked, it has slipped away. I am not the man you love. And seven, I care for her, it is a kind of love, the potential of something more. It will never be as complicated and difficult as loving you, but should love be so complex and difficult? I wouldn't want to hurt her. '

In my heart I sob. But outside I can roll with these punches.

'chakotay, if you love her if this is what will make you happy…' I shrug again. Chin up Janeway. 'Damn, I only want you to be happy but are you so sure? She is such an adolescent in love, younger in mind and knowledge than her body would suggest. Don't you think she needs different experiences that she can gain now we are in the alpha quadrant? She misread your kisses for intimacy, she is naïve and wonderful. I don't want you to hurt her either, but I can't see how this will work. Think carefully Chakotay, because I will be an avenging captain if you hurt her later. She deserves all your love, and perhaps understanding the she is not so simple and straightforward either. Outrageously direct, but not necessarily not complex. I get though that she is young, beautiful and irresistible' and in my head I am comparing myself as old, pass my best and too difficult 'but she is more than that too' I have gone too far, i have no right to question.

I go to put my hand on his arm to soften what I have said, but he shrugs me away angrily. 'You underestimate her and me, she isn't a child, I have followed her lead. Although I needed her attention, like a plant too long in the shade needs the sun, I haven't pushed her, or forced her into anything. How could you think that of me?' there is a pause, and quieter and calmer ' they weren't just kisses, though we haven't gone beyond that, yet' fixedly gazing at earth.

'I know', I say quietly and join the contemplation of Earth. The rage and passion has passed in me. The 'yet' signposts to me his future.

'there were, temporarily, others from the crew' whispered

'I know that too' whispered back.' I don't care anymore, I always knew there was a price' I say.

Hesitantly, he asks 'but not for you?'

I turn to face him again 'Chakotay,' 'no' he interjects, 'no, I don't need an answer after all' and we both let out a sigh. We/us, I think we are going to end with this one kiss as the sum release of all these years of tempestuous passion. I face him, blue eyes locking into mocha.

'I release you completely from your promise Chakotay, you were my brave, proud warrior, and you saved me time and time again and stood by my side lightening my burdens to the end of Voyager's journey. We have reached that end, Chakotay, and I am no longer your woman warrior, my needs no longer come first, my burdens are not yours to shoulder. You need to determine who and how to love, and re-find who you want to be, your peace. Make sure that the choice you make is entirely, selfishly, for you. I love you enough to live with that choice. If I am not part of that future, I am going to go on and not shut myself off from opportunities to love again. If you can do it, so can I. One day, we will be old, wise friends together, old comrades in arms with stories to tell and families to go back to when we're done. We have a connection that I don't think we will ever lose whatever we chose to make it into, lovers or good friends. Choose well, my friend.

There is nothing more to be said. I brush a farewell kiss against his cheek as a benediction, and leave him in the ready room, in my past, silently gazing at Earth.

-0-0-0-

A Valentine's gift of a chapter. You just have to believe that in the end, love might conquer all.

Chapter 18: Chapter 18 - an understanding begins

Seven

I stare disbelievingly at the captain and Chakotay on the bridge, and I am forced to awareness that whatever Chakotay has shared with me, it isn't the connection that he has with the Captain. It takes all my force to turn him from her, and even then, he shakes me off to follow her. When I try to enter, the room is in lockdown. I return to astrometrics to consider my options. It is unacceptable for this uncertaintly in my situation to continue. Chakotay does not reply to my messages.

Tal joins me to discuss relationships. She doesn't think that the doctor is necessarily the correct role model, nor the Captain, both for different reasons. When she asks why I dated Chakotay I am surprised. He is the logical choice, he is mature and likely to be expert, he has standing on Voyager, and I would share this standing as pairbond. Tal evinces surprise that I consider we are a pairbond. I consider this, and agree that this may be premature. However, the Admiral had intimated the connection in the alternate timeline. I also state that I had pre-dated a Chakotay hologram with some success, I found him to be attentive to my wishes, once I had altered his programme so that he accepted our pairing. Tal appears surprised at the level of my planning. She stops my recitation of our dates, and asks me what I feel when I see Chakotay, and I admit that I feel some pleasure. She asks if I find that I cannot wait until we meet again, and on contemplation, I realise that although this was the case with the Chakotay hologram, this has not been the case with the real Chakotay. Tal is surprisingly efficient at analysing my relationship, and together we realise that perhaps Chakotay himself is not someone that I have romantic feelings for. His kiss was pleasant, but I had no desire to take things further, and I am quite shocked by Tal's revelation of her desires on kissing Billy. I am content in performing my duties when he is absent, even if I welcome his attention. However, when Tal asks whether following my developing relationship with Chakotay causing further distance with the Captain would dismay me, I realise that I would be far more than dismayed, I would be rudderless.

My shock shows on my face, and Tal asks whether I have considered that perhaps the other reason I chose Chakotay was to tie myself closer to the Captain. This is an error. I recall the Captain's interactions with me, and although there is no romance, it is shatteringly obvious that the feelings that I have for the Captain far outway the tentative expressions of intimacy I have shared with Chakotay, and that this relationship is by far the more important to me. Following from this, I can see my foray into relationships has been done to earn the respect of my captain for exercising my individuality. Instead, I have blundered, and caused her hurt. Hurt that she is willing to accept on my behalf. The kisses were, however, pleasant, and I do not wish to lose respect from the crew by not being part of a pairbond I have announced today. Also, as I announce to Tal, I do have prior claim.

She sighs, and asks whether that is enough. Is it enough to come second in someones affections? Are my feelings enough, or would I want to have more? Is Chakotay, once not first officer on voyager someone that I would wish to pairbond with. What if he returns to Dorvan and more primitive living, or spends his time teaching, and no longer looks to the stars? What if he wants children? Have I thought of these things? Otherwise, what I had was a short relationship, something many have and move on, having several such before potentially finding someone suitable for pairbonding. These are experiential, and summative. I understand Tal, and appreciate the scientific basis she places on relationship exploration. I agree to give this some thought, and dismiss her.

I check the PADD to see if the commander has finished his discussions with the captain, agree a song with the doctor. I smile, I always enjoy spending time with the doctor. I regret that he is an artificial lifeform, as otherwise he would be satisfactory for recreational purposes. The PADD identifies the captian as having left the ready room, so I plan to join her in her quarters and send a further message to Chakotay, again ignored. I wonder if he will comply.

I stride to deck 3 and the Captains quarters, nodding at crewmen as I pass. Many of them now dawdle most inefficiently as they traverse voyager. Reaching Earth is … unsettling. After my conversation with Tal, I know of only one person who can align my thoughts so that I can find comfort again. I chime and then walk through as the door has been programmed to allow entry. The captain is not in visual range, but I hear her shower. I am pleased that the captain has not yet initiated Paris's music choice. I await the captain, taking a seat on her bed.

I note the captain evinces signs of surprise when she exits from her shower. She is wearing only a bathrobe, and I am somewhat disconcerted by the effect. She appears even more disconcerted by the subject matter of our conversation. I wish I had discussed this with her sooner. As I leave, I smile at B'Elanna and Sam who enter the main quarters and view me with surprise. I message Chakotay again, and briskly exit, as the noise that Paris delights in starts to beat loudly.

-0-0-0-

the doctor

The sickbay is quiet. I am alone with my thoughts, very much alone, and I worry that I am going to spend too much time alone in the future. I will miss Voyager. While the arguments go on about my sentience, at this time I wish that I was only a computer programme, and could be archived. Being sentient, that fills me with as much horror as the grief of losing my family.

The Captain has promised to fight for my rights, and I know she will keep her word, but over the years voyagers crew will disperse, and which of them will truly remember me, visit me, keep me in their sights.

And I will lose Seven. Not that I ever really had her, but we had a friendship, learning humanity and individuality together. We both know I love her, everyone knows I love her. Instead, she is breaking hearts by her romantic liaison with the commander. I understand all too well, because if she wasn't already clearly in love with someone else, I would have said I love the Captain.

So I have watched the walk around the ship from the comfort of my now empty sickbay, I have sucked some bitter lemon and Seven has agreed for a final song. I wonder how the captain has the strength to keep her heart beating, and the love for the crew in her mind when all I want to do is hide away.

Sentience, humanity, it leaves a lot to be desired.

-0-0-0-0-

Reg Barclay

The last of the Voyager pictures have been sent to the AW's and Admiral Paris, and Voyager is shutting up for the night. There has been wall to wall fed news coverage all day since they got hold of the fleet being scrambled. For a while they were held off with the news voyager had returned and the image of voyager bursting through the borg sphere, but not for long. Necheyev has been on constant loop with Haynes, downplaying the imminent Borg invasion panic. From the spin, Voyager singlehandedly beat the Borg including taking down their Queen. Actually, it is hard to believe that that is the truth, when the fleet got massacred at wolf 359. I have had Picard from enterprise ask me to pass on a message to Cpt Janeway, and be very unhappy that there are no inward comms. It will be forwarded tomorrow. If I had forwarded, she would be deluged at the moment, they all would. They must have no idea what their return has done. The Federation has hope again.

After discussion from the Admiral, a few images have been quietly leaked. Cpt Janeway remembering her dead, with the commander at her shoulder. Much was made of the maquis then, and opened the debate as to the outcome for the captured maquis. Haynes and Nechayev had a debate of sorts of opposing views earlier in the day, but it has been confirmed that for services rendered – particularly against the Borg, they are all pardoned with full field commissions, and probably promotion.

The next leak was of the bridge team infront of the viewscreen with the captain on the shoulders of the commander and chief helmsman. There has been a much bigger outcry over this one, as it is clear that there is an ex-Borg in a central role. Mostly, attention has been diverted to the Captian, her beauty, cleverness, success and the rather wonderful image. There has been some discussion about Admiral Paris's son, and the revelation that he has a part Klingon daughter with an ex-maquis – the gossip columnists are desperate to make something of this, and the holonovellas will be rolling by the morning. But the beautiful Borg is eye-catching.

Other than those there is a near news lockdown, and multiple images captured externally of voyager at mars, and voyager now in a low orbit. Much discussion on the changes to her shape – there will be a surprise when the ablative armour is deployed until morning – and no successful flyby has captured any images. Voyager is still protected by a rotational shuttle flotilla now in orbit to persuade would be voyeurs to keep their distance.

I have a look at the final image sent, which went only to the AW's in secret half each, of one couple embracing, and one about to. There has not been a hint of romance between the captain and commander, but this image blows it all out into the open. I am sworn to silence.

As I start to close the comms down, there is a final message for me only. I am overwhelmed, surprised and have 30 minutes to be ready.

-0-0-0-

as chakotays voice has come late to this, he has his own story starting s/12382222/1/Between-two-Heavenly-Bodies

and endgame is reached in s/12336134/1/Just-good-friends chapter 6 for Tom and B'Elanna

Chapter 19: Chapter 19 - lets get this party started

Oh know, I know, we have a party to get to! But after all the emotion and stress writing the readyroom drama, I and the voyager crew need a bit of an emotional ease before we hit the rollercoaster of the party. If u want, you can give me suggestions of fav party music for Janeway! I have most of the rest of it drafted in outline all the way to epilogue, but it needs to make me happy to publish!

-0-0-0-0-

The doors to my quarters open and go straight to the replicator for coffee before I sit on my couch and earth fills my view. I take a moment to smell the aroma of coffee before enjoying the hit of the bitterness in my mouth, and knowledge that the caffeine will fuel me, ahhhh, i feel it as it spreads through me. When all the debriefings are over, I will give our doctor some joy by giving me a caffeine detox. For now, I savour fully my comfort as I have done for seven years, and gaze at the view I have given one of my lives for. Musing, I give thanks also to chakotay and harry, who also gave up one of their futures, and of course, that admiral was not without assistance in her timeline, Reg, Harry, Miral all played key parts. Time travel. For the first time I start to wonder what I will do next. I grin and imagine setting up the department for temporal paradoxes so that the future Braxton is even more beholden to me, my grin widens. The future seems so open now, I truly am free to choose. I hope that I really get to have some say it it, both my future and that of my crew and ship, and that perhaps it will be less weighty. I would like to be not quite so responsible for a while, do something more esoteric or academic. Something of joy. My eyes drift over the jewel that is earth, and I smile. Life is good.

As I start to prepare, I let myself replay our kiss. That it was all I had ever imagined and more. There is no doubt now that the passion between us is an explosive and heady mix. I feel again his lips on mine, the strength of our desire, the safety of being enfolded in his arms, finally coming home. If that is all we have, then I can move on. However, despite the ending, I can't help but think that there is no way Chakotay, a man of principle and passion, will be able to put what we have behind him and move away now we could both explore this. I smile. I can wait for him to come back to me, he waited for seven years. I am caught between hope and trepidation. Whichever the outcome, I will endure, no I will more than endure, I will have a life of joy.

The shower is perfect, and it is the first moment I have had to relax fully for far too long. The water, a luxury at times, washes away more of the stress of both recent events, and also captaining for so long. I can finally truly start to unwind. I know that debriefing is going to be damn hard, and certainly there are quite a number of events I would prefer to replay differently, but for now, my crew is home, we are safe.

I dry my hair in the sonic shower, and then brush it through. I like it short, manageable, efficient – I grin, thinking that Seven has been rubbing off on me. Wrapping myself in a loose peach silk robe, I go to choose clothes and am surprised to find Seven must have materialised in my bedroom! In all my years, I have never felt so naked but she clearly has a lot on her mind. Gingerly, I sit beside her on the bed and ask her what she would like to discuss. I am not surprised when she opens with an apology, of sorts, over the announcement of her relationship. It was neither the time or place for such a revelation. I wave my hand and accept the apology. I cannot pretend that it wasn't a shock, nor that it didn't have a great effect on me. I own that I had always hoped that when I could stop being a captain, that maybe I would have the chance to develop it. I shrug and say to Seven that my hopes and dreams are not more important than hers or Chakotay's opportunity, and if I missed mine, well, such is the life of a starfleet captain. You willingly give yourself over to the ship and crew, and married to a ship tends to push other relationships into the shade, particularly if that ship is Voyager and the crew is our wonderful family. Another shrug. As I say to Seven, we are now back on Earth with new opportunities and options for everyone, we are no longer limited to the Voyager crew.

I should realise that it isn't so easy to dissuade Seven from pursuing a subject. She wants to know if Chakotay is then so easily removed from my heart. Never, I think, never ever. I am tempted to dismiss this question, but looking at her open and honest face, I am open and honest in answer.I am probably more honest with seven than anyone else on voyager. I don't think that I will ever, can ever or would want to ever replace chakotay, but if he now loves elsewhere i have to respect his choice, and also move forwards rather than hark back to a love that is no longer mine. I would hope to still find love and happiness in the future with someone else now we are back on Earth, although that wouldn't have been possible on Voyager for the same reasons that i couldnt take my love for Chakotay further. I have been engaged twice before, and with both I would have found happiness. I can only hope that I will be lucky in my fourth attempt at long term love, but in the interim I would plan to date without expectation of anything other than enjoyment in the short term. I can see her considering this.

Her next question catches me, and is perhaps the hardest to answer honestly. She asks whether I will avoid them if they continue to date. I can hear her voice tremble, and suddenly she is a young child again, needing me. Just like when she became confused after her upgrade and led us on a wild goosechase of misdirection and plots. I stroke her cheek and reassure her that I will always love her, and always be there as her friend. She looks back at me, and i see love in her eyes, just as then. Seven and I are also linked. Whatever the consequences, I am angry with the position I am in, that the crazy timing and my stubborn resistance has lead us to this triangle, with the inevitability of hurt. I agree that seeing them together as a couple will be difficult for me, and it is likely that I will almost certainly limit my exposure initially, all outcomes have consequences. But that I have no choice but to adjust. I have adjusted before. She nods and leaves, and I realise I have asked no questions of my own, I have no idea about her intentions or feelings to Chakotay.

I have little time to dwell, as B'Elanna and Sam arrive as Seven leaves, and are shocked to find I have been entertaining her in my bedroom so scantily clad. Thank goodness our voyage is at an end, or I could see that this would start a whole new betting pool… time to prepare for the party. Tom's music on, crack open some synthehol bubbly, and work out what to wear, this silk robe has seen enough people recently! As the music starts to play, I laugh at the twentieth century selection Tom has given me, I shouldn't be surprised. The first one tho, catches at me, somehow it is an upbeat song about losing. The Winner takes it All indeed. I wonder whether his selection is so personal for anyone else. I love it, and am dancing about to the music.

Tuvok notifies us that we are going to skeleton handling, and the ablative shielding is being inititated. We all toast earth again before the shields encase voyager and the view is lost. He also privately comms me to say there are some urgent PADD messages. I review these and deal with them swiftly.

The music and synthehol slips us all into a new gear, one that we have rarely done on voyager, well, I have never done, as I always expected a red alert, needed to maintain some captain distance and just couldn't relax to this level. B'Elanna has a surprise for me, as she has programmed some 'party lighting' for my main quarters. This appears to be low level ambient light, and something she calls a glitterball effect. It is small shards of light thrown around the room and rotating. I find that I am laughing as Tom's uplifting beat gets into my blood. He really does know me well, and a blush steals across me at that thought. The replicator whirrs, and soon we are all in undies and robes whilst discussing dresses, accessories and painting fingers and toes.

Sam suggests that we dance for a bit, and we find that the party mood is definitely on us. She has an even crazier idea, that we take video of us dancing to one of the songs and put it on the scuttlebutt and get this party started. I cannot believe I have agreed! This is going to cause a furore, and I wish i could see Harry's face. I make sure that my robe is decently on, even if somewhat shorter than people are used to! Hmm,

Having jived our way into hysterics, It is time to gossip. I know there is really only one item on the agenda for this, so now we have music, bubbly, ambience it is time. B'Elanna has been exceptionally patient for a Klingon, but it is clear that she might explode.

'Well', I finally say,' how do you think it all went?' As predicted, Lanna only wants to talk about one thing. 'I hope you dragged him into your ready room and kissed some sense into him' she is outraged ' its OK, I understand, and if you hadn't had that moment on the bridge, I might even go with it, but it is clear that you belong together now!' sam agrees, and copies to me the holoimage, which I hadn't seen from the bridge. I haven't seen any images, so this being the first makes me suck my breath in. 'did everyone see this?' my god, there is nothing left to imagine after looking at this image. We might as well have made out over the conn! I take a deep breath as I remember that this is what Seven would have seen as well. The memory of the gravitational pull of that moment towards each other, the elemental joining that we made. Despite talking, there is really only one option if we stay within range of each other, I am not sure how we could ignore it and remain honest. To make it work with Seven, one of us will have to leave, at least for a while. I wonder if this became an issue on voyager too? Why we lost our friendship.

'earth to janeway' and I nearly tap my comm as Lanna and Sam laugh at me. 'so, spill on the dreamy face' I grin, and ask whether they want me to squeal like my sister pheebs, and I look at them and drag them both into a hug. I whisper 'thankyou, without you two I am not sure how I would have kept going out there, you are my voyager sisters forever!' and we laugh and promise that however an unlikely threesome we seem, we will be there for each other as we adjust to our new lives before Lanna drags us back 'so!'

'ok, ok, we had a huge argument, we needed to start clearing things out between us, and by the time we stopped fighting, I'm not sure he thinks I am worth fighting for, too difficult, too much history' and I laugh, 'and he is the one interested in history! But yes, we kissed, and hell it was good, and I am surprised the goddam universe didn't implode' and I can't help but grin at their shocked faces. I guess the Captain in me would never have admitted this, but it feels good. I down the synthehol. 'we kissed twice, to prove that his assertion that he 'just' kissed Seven was a faulty premise, that you can't 'just kiss' at all' .

'oh, so they didn't…' interrupts Lanna

'not yet, he said' I respond.

'not yet!, the p'tak' she shrieks, if you kissed and it was that good, how can he still deceive himself?'

I shrug, 'it was that good, but she is young, beautiful, clever, fun, keen to please and naïve and he will be her first and if we were still in the delta quadrant, only, it is seductive is it not, how could you resist if you were him, an honourable man. And she might give him a family. And now, having started something, he maybe would feel honour bound to try and make it work, especially if he cares for her. As Seven would say, I am well past my first flush of youth, whatever beauty I have is fading, my best years dedicated to duty, I have significant history, complicated even, I am feisty, argumentative, opinionated, am never going to settle, but always, but always demand the best, the most from anyone that they can give me. He doesn't believe he has that to give anymore. All or nothing no half measures. So, there we are.'

There we are, and in summing it up, i am no longer hopeful. it seems that with Chakotay, it will truly be all or nothing. If he chooses Seven I think we will have to spend our whole lives apart. I cannot bear the thought of life without him in it at all. I look at them both, and see the revelation of understanding roll across their eyes. A complete understanding finally as to why we never tried whilst on Voyager, what we stood to lose as well as gain, that if we had loved and lost, voyager would have been torn apart in the fallout.

'SO,' says sam this time,' let's party! we cant change the past, we don't know the future, but we can make this a night to remember'

'come on', says B'Elanna, 'what about another holovid, but with a single recipient?'

'hell yeah!' i agree. I am definitely unwinding the Captain covering and revealing the Kathryn underneath.

so we laugh at the bets for sexiest dance. i plan to win that one! giggle at the other dancing videos appearing on the scuttlebutt. Harry has apparently died. we discuss which crewmen we think might have the moves to match, though i think i am giving the delaney sisters a dance and we all agree that Harry might need resuscitation again. I wink, 'well maybe i'll dance with Harry too.' and we have moved on and are laughing. I love Sam's outfit, she has one for a swingtop cut low and tight in the right places, with tight shiny pants. She gives a twirl, and it is perfect disco wear. Lanna wears red, she has a black cropped mini tank with a tight red crop jacket over - so feeding miral will be more discreet and easier - and a hip to floor skirt that clings to her when still, but the cut means it moves well on dancing, and is slit to thigh. 'just in case Tom needs reminding!' she says with a smile. She looks beautiful, and I really cant believe she gave birth earlier today. Those Klingon genes are certainly worth having. I love her boots!

So i leave them dancing to our backing trick when there is hammering on the door, it is Ayala, he says our music is definitely better than the stuff Paris programmed for Chakotay, and can be heard all the way down corridor 3! He gives all three of us the eye.'Oh, and hot video', he winks! I remember i am still sitting here in a robe and the girls quickly throw him out before dissecting what he might have been upto with Chakotay -hammering some sense into him is Lannas thought. Not my problem this evening. Tonight is about friendship, laughter and dance, so we drink to that and i go and get my dress on. Hmm, I wonder what moves Ayala has on the dance floor?

As i go into my bedroom, I notice a peace rose on the bed. I smell it and smile, brushing it against my cheek. Is it friendship, is it love? I love you Chakotay, i don't know what it will take for you to decide to cleave to me, but in my heart, I know we have bonded and nothing can alter that. I shrug out of my silk robe and shrug on the emerald silk dress that i have borrowed/plundered all my replicator rations for, some of tuvok's - he is a ration millionaire - and a couple from Chakotay for old time's sake. It is beautiful, a style that i am not completely sure I should be wearing but what the hell! it is a very form fitting halterneck, and the shape at the front flatters me completely being not too revealing, but suggesting further investigation, with hidden support. and when i turn round, it is backless deep and wide V, restarting just below my dimples, tightly fitting to hips and then flaring to mid calf. I love it. Like Lanna's, it is also daringly split in several places, the volume of material means it is only noticeable if i dance, or dependent on how i sit. i have the craziest of heels to wear with it, and a voile wrap that shimmers over the top for draping as i walk too and from. I also have matched Icheb to the emerald, so it is clear we are a pair.

I look at Chakotay's rose again, and think of the message I am getting from him, including his rather racy music holovid. I add a dusting of makeup, diamond earrings, and hair natural and I walk out to oohs and ahs from the girls. I admit to feeling slightly exposed in my outfit choice, but we agree that at rest it certainly looks demure. We continue to laugh until Icheb and Naomi arrive. Icheb looks so debonair, and I commend him on his look, whilst tidying up his bow tie. He is bashful, and we practice a twirl of a fairly formal dance, as we will need to dance together at least once. He is quite nervous about this, but he needs only relax and follow my lead! I cannot believe my luck and joy to have Icheb as my son, and on telling him this again we hug. Truly, I am overjoyed. I also complement Naomi on her look, she is wearing a tea dress, but for the first time has her hair up. Ktarians mature more quickly than humans, but i am surprised how old she appears like this. When he isn't escorting me, Icheb will be dancing with Naomi, and they plan to retire from the holodeck after the doctor sings, or if things get out of hand sooner, after all there will be real alcohol. I remind Icheb not to drink the alcohol, or any of Paris's punches. From experience, they are pretty deadly. He grins, and says that Paris and junior Q have a lot in common. I raise an eyebrow, are we expecting Q Junior to appear I ask, Icheb looks slightly shifty. If he comes, I insist that there is no Q shenanigans, he comes as a temporary human voyager crewmember. Icheb nods.

So we set the remote on the holoimager, and all line up for a pre-party image, and i realise i am unsurprised when i see q junior appear.

then we move out. i am ready for this party!

-0-0-0-0-

for a bit of fun, see also s/12386634/1/let-s-get-this-party-started for a description of some of the music holovids flying around.

Chapter 20: Chapter 20 - dangerous work

Ayala

I am bloody nervous and I hesitate before I chime for Chakotay. Reasoning with the man has always been a risky affair, and over the years I have felt the quick smash of his fist when I have pushed the boundaries of our friendship. Here I am, planning to push those boundaries as far as they will go. I have checked he is there, I wondered whether I would be too late, and he would already have gone to Seven. Stupid idiot. Seven, of all the women on the ship. Beautiful, intelligent, and naïve. No true partner for him compared to the possibility of the fire of Kathryn. Yes, I can see that they could have worked in a different lifetime, but only if voyage remained to join the pieces of them together that otherwise didn't reach or mesh. His interests are not hers, and she has never shown any enthusiasm for exploring other peoples passions. His quirks of indolence would outrage her obsessive efficiency. His need to maintain links with the rustic past, hand craft, obsess. I cannot imagine her being able to tolerate this unless she had another outlet for her towering intellectual passions. Unless she was still on Voyager. He would form the role of her mentor, coach and protector in the personal sphere, but surely this wouldn't be enough if their only level of joining? And she, she could never share with him just lecturing and delivering information.

I need to make sure that he can see clearly his choices. His soul mate is also beautiful and intelligent, but tempers this with compassion, listening, bringing the best of people in with her. She is sure, experienced. They have shared so much over seven years. I have seen how each of them, still, come alive in the others presence. They share so much laughter and hidden messages, even now when life has been so hard. I cannot see how he thinks he could live without her in his life. of course, this is all complicated by my own feelings for her. I have known all along that she is not for me, and taken opportunities where they arise.

So I press the chime, and at a growl I am admitted. Dangerous work, but someones got to do it!

He is sat with his head in his hands, and this is going to be hard. The doleful wails of the music chosen by Paris is not helpful either. All about loss and wrong choices. Paris will be lucky to survive!

'so, old man?'

His head comes up, and he growls that I should go away, there is nothing to say, nothing to do. Like that then! Shit! 'no, talk. what are you doing? you have loved this woman all this time, it is clear that you still love her. SO why in all that is good, did you push her away? What the bloody hell happened in that ready room? I was so sure that you both could make it happen? talk.'

'I have no fucking idea Mike. I went in there, desperate to hold her, kiss her, throw myself at her and instead. Oh My God! Mike, we shouted, no I shouted. I was unforgiveable! I shouted at her about Kashyk and Jaffen. fuck! I got jaffen so wrong, I only saw it through my eyes of jealousy, thinking she loved someone else, had found someone else who had made her happy. She was happy! but I didn't see it through her eyes, I didn't see the loss of control would be devastating. I failed her again. Spirits weep. I fail her over and over.'

his head is back in his hands. I have never seen him so broken. Angry, fractured yes, in freefall like this, never.

'Chakotay, forget talking, just show her. She loves you, she told us all! even if she hadn't, none of us could miss that moment on the bridge. You belong together. Bloody Hell, you have been together in all the ways that matter all these years. You have held her safe, been there to pick up her pieces, supported that crazy shit she gets up to, and saved her from herself when she lost her way. Chakotay! we are all human, we all fail. Don't throw your chances away. one kiss, that is all it will take Chakotay, no more talking.' I crouch beside him to show my support.

'ha! fuck! one kiss, you have no idea' is wrenched from him, and he is up now, pacing like the hidden panther we have all known resides inside. ' we shared two. two kisses that burn my memory Mike. You have no fucking idea. Spirits help me! I can never feel that depth of passion with anyone else, we were completely one. And yet, here I sit! She gave me the option to choose her unconditionally, and I backed away. Contrary to the last. I was frightened by it. me! frightened by the totality of loving her, and I ran. I am a p'tak! just kill me now. She thinks I have chosen Seven. Seven!' he huffs a desperate laugh.

for a master tactition, skilled lover, skilled communicator, this is utterly woeful. 'old man, you need a plan! you need to try again. Don't try to settle for Seven, whatever you think, it will be a disaster, and the hurt all round will be greater. Janeway or nothing. Ok?'

His PADD registers further messages, I can see a stream from B'Elanna [I can imagine!] and Seven, and there is an encrypted one just in. from the sudden look on his face, I know the sender. 'read it' I say, and I can hear music, and from the start of a smirk, I can only imagine that she is reaching out to him. It is all about losing and winning, and I have a feeling that she is just about to start winning again.

Chakotay nods at me, 'OK OK, shower and change. I'll think about it, but I need to be right by Seven, this game and mess is not of her making'. He silences Toms dirges, and instead we hear the beat of the Captains music selection pulse through. 'favouritism', I smirk.

I see myself out and ponder in the corridor. I can hear more clearly the uplifting music from the captains quarters, and lots of giggling. I check my own PADD, and see the captain dancing holovid and it is a revelation! Whilst I am so close, it would be rude not to go in, wouldn't it? and Megan's dancing too! I am pleased to see my image in the background. Personal performance it is! I shake off my concern for Chakotay, and strut to the captains quarters. I have never been in before, this is a night for firsts! I have two ladies on my list to dance with, I can feel the party in every step I take.

-0-0-0-

Harry Kim

I join Tom to get ready for the party. B'Elanna has gone to the Captain, so it is just us two, like old times. In the seven years we have forged an amazing friendship. I have gone from being mentored to equal partners in the insanity and wildness, as well as growing as a dependable and able officer. We have grown up together. We work hard and then play hard. Adjusting to B'Elanna as part of the triumvirate has been difficult for me, especially when the prgancny and now the baby has cut into our roistering. However, I am looking forward to being uncle Harry, and then stealing Tom still.

As Tom dresses, there are comms about his music choice from all places. The captain is certainly enthusiastic, chakotay far less so. Tom struggles not to laugh during the comm! the scuttlebutt is also full of the good choice of music, and holovids are being uploaded. I click on the first without thinking, a mouthful of beer goes shooting over the room and I require heft thumps on the back to recommence breathing. Tom restarts it, and I am greeted again with the sight of the captain, B'Elanna and Sam busting moves to a Tom special! He is appreciative of the choice of song and words, whereas my eyes are captured by the movement only marginally hidden by tightly drawn silk robes. My jaw drops. I have seen a sight that I am not ready for! I have resolutely thought of my captain as a captain, not a woman for seven years and hidden each unworthy thought as it appears. I am having more than unworthy thoughts now tho. Tom splits his sides laughing at me!

To distract myself, I take the holovid for Tom and Miral. He is half dressed, with shirt unbuttoned, and croons to Miral about saving her kisses. It is utterly sweet and innocent. All the unattached women on voyager will be swooning for him again. I just don't know how he does it. None of his confidence around women has rubbed off on me. I have stumbled and fumbled, and my only real true love was with Tal on the Varro ship. I wonder where she is now, and whether I made the right choices. I shrug, the choices are made, and I am back in the alpha quadrant. I could never have traded this for love. I am a career Starfleet officer, and I better be promoted!

The next holovids coming in make me blush even more, as I see my image is one of those revolving behind the Delaney sisters. Quietly, so that no-one is really aware, Jenny and I have been gradually spending more time together. Ostensibly, it is about a variety of astrometrics projects, but close working leads to close communication. I think that there may be something more meaningful if we are lucky. Tom ribs me, and I blush again. for him we record a HK jaw drop, which will also make the rounds. I don't mind, sometimes playing to my cute is one of my strengths! Clearly it is not cute that Chakotay is playing to tho! 'brooding hunk' Tom says, and neither of us thinks that this performance is for Seven! There is one person who has a definite predilection for dark, brooding and dangerous. I hope this means he has a winning plan, as he has made a total disaster of relationships today, even worse than I could achieve. Tom and I pull on some beers and reminisce. I cant quite believe we are at the end of our journey, and that this easy camaraderie will by necessity need to become more organised.

It is time to go, notifying Tuvok, we make a final pick up from transporters. It is Reg Barclay, hyper excited and dressed to the nines. We have promised to show him all of the public spaces voyager before the party, and he has promised to keep his mouth firmly shut about it. He will leave when the doctor sings, but is the first person to be granted entry to our ship. he takes a holoimage or 2 thousand as we go around, and Tuvok starts to raise his eyebrows on the bridge, so we know it is time to leave! before walking to the holodeck, we place his imager and PADD in a locker in the transporter room, to be picked up when he leaves. We are going to party without unexpected records!

I comm the crew, it is time to meet at holodeck and get this party started!

-0-0-0-

Ok, so the next chapter is the party! I hope you all have your party music selection in mind, and prepare for a rollercoaster, as it all needs to come together! Let us get this party started!

Chapter 21: Chapter 21 - the party starts

oh my goodness! we are here at last! the voyager party. I hope you have your glasses in your hand ready to cheer, and that my writing doesn't let you or the command team down! I think it is clearly that the party may also have more than one chapter, so instead of the divisions before into Janeway/not Janeway it will be till the doctor sings, and after the doctor sings.

-0-0-0-

I admit to being excited to Icheb and Naomi as we make our way to the enhanced holodeck. My feet are dancing already! It is going to be wonderful, and amazingly we can fit everyone into the expanded holodeck. Harry has used the skills he gained from the Hirogen debacle to increase the relative space of the holodeck for this party. Naomi runs ahead, twirling her dress and laughing with Icheb. Poor Icheb seems to be torn between accompanying me or Naomi. I reassure him, that he only needs to lead me in, and dance at least one of the formal dances with me: bringing me the occasional drink or food would be nice - 'please no leola and must fit in the mouth in one bite' i beg! 'and mostly stick to synthehol, I need to keep my wits about me!'. I explain that as captain, and certainly when we hit headquarters, people will always be talking to me, and if he isn't attentive, then I won't get to eat or drink. When he makes a wisecrack about expecting me to have other attentive partners, I grin and say I hope so, but that doesn't ever let him off the hook. He is a Janeway now, and we live to serve. I watch him puff out his chest. Adopting Icheb has been one hell of a good decision.

As we are in the turbolift, I do my last ships business for the day and check on a PADD for any last minute updates - AKA the scuttlebutt! - message Tuvok to ensure his party attendance for at least the start, but also to ensure our skeleton teams are organised. He reassures me, and announces that any further questions on ships business will be taken as no confidence in his command. I grin weakly and desist. it is hard to let go after seven years! The PADD is given back to Icheb for safekeeping in the inner jacket pocket, another role of the Captain's escort!

Well, here we are! finally. I feel like it is all my birthdays and christmasses rolled into one. I hope I am not the only crewmember so childishly excited! Lanna is certainly looking at me indulgently and goes in first to make her way to Tom and Miral to say we are ready. Q junior slips in with B'Elanna as well. he is well dressed in a tux, and I hope that he isn't lynched! I also wonder if this means Q himself will join us. No good worrying about it! Let us get this party finally started! I link arms with Icheb and give him my best big smile, Naomi and Sam link arms Ok! we are off.

As we enter, I am amazed. My breath is taken away by the splendour of it. Tom has programmed a beautiful old dance hall, decorated with flowers, balloons, banners and ribbons celebrating our return in themed silver and midnight blue. the arched ceiling appears to finish with a huge central window, showing the wonders of the firmament through it - I recognise some of the nebulae and planets that we have visited. It is tasteful and restrained, but very beautiful. I am secretly very relieved that it isn't the Orion holoprogram that he briefly shew me! He comes and greets us, with Lanna and Miral. There are some 'photo-booth' rooms, where crew can go to take a holoimage with friends, programmed to allow a variety of props and backdrops, and also be private. i try not to contemplate the look he shoots B'Elanna! there are two screens on the walls, one of which shows the fixed widescreen view general recording holovid that is being made of this section. This is also available to be watched by our rotating skeleton crew for the night. The other is currently showing the outomes of different pools - I raise my eyebrows at Tom, and the scuttlebutt - possibly more dangerous - and any holoimages the crew take and make public. Currently there is a holographic swing band playing music for us. Down one side are tables dressed in silver and blue, and beyond them a huge spread of food as well as a bar. Holographic waiters are being organised by Chell as I look.

'tom, this is wonderful! How did you fit all of this in? no, dont tell me, let's just enjoy it'. I move to the platform near the band, where most of the senior crew await me, including Chakotay standing with Seven. Deep breath Janeway! So he has come with Seven as a date after all. I did wonder. She looks stunning, truly beautiful as well as cool and collected with perfect poise, and I immediately feel old. I give myself a shake. She clutches his arm proprietorially, clearly stating her claim and looks challengingly at me. Chakotay hasn't turned, which is unusual. Many an event we would seek out where the other is and then relax. I wonder what the pre-party banter has all been about then, whether i have read too much into it, and wish he would just clearly make a preference. Tuck and roll Janeway! I am going to enjoy this party with or without the attention of my first officer, in fact, I would say that I am planning what might be termed 'a good show' so that if he persists in moving on, he has a clear idea of what he has let go. I go and hug as many crewmembers as I can whilst making my way to the front. When I get to Seven, I effusively tell her she looks enchantingly beautiful, scarlet red becomes her, as does the dress style. I am not going to be bitter in defeat! I move to Chakotay and together with Tuvok, we stand on the podium. I smile between these two pillars of my support. Something in the way they eye each other before joining me reminds me of the testy days when they were confirming each others position, jockeying for my approval. somewhere, over the years, they reached an accommodation. I turn to face the ranks of all our crew and thank them.

'You are all standing here, expecting me to make an uplifting, interminably long speech commemorating our success. It is true, I am proud of us all, our commitment, our expertise and that we have damn well made it. But tonight is just about us celebrating with family. We are all one family, and I reiterate we are hear to celebrate and support each other. Let the celebration commence, Let's do it!' with cheers and applause I laugh. I am hoping to not make many more speeches!

Balloons are released, apparently flying up into the stars, and everyone cheers. Harry appears to be compere, and asks us to lead the first dance. I look questioningly at Chakotay. There is a good reason that we haven't danced together before in front of the crew, though we have very rarely on first contact missions when the crew is absent and it was required. It has always been a somewhat emotionally charged option with the closeness of the dance teetering us on the edge of my parameters and protocols, the intimacy of touch and movement giving a tantalising look at what might be, and I have always felt that it would be too revealing of my emotions. This is no longer a concern, as that ship has blown well and truly open, but there are now other reasons to be hesitant now. Seven for a start. However, since that kiss in the ready room, I am not sure how close I can be without feeling that inexorable pull that captured us both with our last kiss. Also, in the back of my head, that provocative holovid resides. Seven strides forward and insists that as her date they should partner each other, but Tom asks for her to dance instead, and assures her that at all official occasions it will be expected for Chakotay and I to have the first dance, even if we bring other partners. I most clearly hear her say 'does that include our wedding?' to a sense of shock reverberating from all those about me. My eyes search Chakotay's face for clarification. I already don't believe this to be the case, despite our lack of resolution of his intentions earlier. His expression is unchanging, but his eyes are catching and holding mine with a silent but potent message. 'trust me, have belief' I am still about to demur over the dance and turn instead to Tuvok, but chakotay has already firmly taken my hands in his and is leading me on the dance floor. His pull is inexorable, and I don't even try to resist. Resistance is futile, some might say. As he pulls me into his arms, he holds me close and whispers that I need to have just a small amount of patience please. I have no idea how i can keep the smile from my face, the game is still on, but nod professionally in response.

I expect Chakotay to relax us then into a more formal hold, but he keeps me close and runs his hands down my back. i shiver. 'nice dress' he whispers. i can feel the thrum of his voice from his chest to mine we are so close. As all the crew watches, he leads us in the standard opening starfleet dance. Both of us have danced so many variations of this that it takes no effort. I relax into his arms, feeling his cheek against my forehead, breathing in his scent. Here we are, seven years down the line, and we have brought our people home. We deserve this moment regardless of feelings or futures. We are the command team. I am barely aware of the lights shining on us, or more silver holographic confetti raining down, and even the cheers and applause of the crew fade. I am aware of him, and moving with him through the pattern of the dance. The dance is sensual as the hold is close, but it feels more that we have been in each others arms for years, that this is how our bodies belong. It feels like I have come home in his arms, it is exactly where I should be. I realise that I have allowed my head to lean against him as he leads across the full length and breadth of the room, only coming apart for the occasional swirl and flourish before settling back together. We don't talk, we just exist, we just are.

The music draws to a close, and it is hard to break apart, but Tuvok is at my shoulder, and taking his hand I see Seven charging up to reclaim her recalcitrant beau. I nod to Chakotay, and then turn all my attention onto Tuvok. I am honoured with this dance, and say so. Over the years we have assayed some minor physical contact, mostly after moments of great stress. Each is an honour. Despite his protestations previously that Vulcans do not dance, it is clear that they make an exception for formal dancing. I am twirled most expertly. A very different dance to my previous in that the hold is more distant, and there is more of a flourish and show to it. My dress starts to come into its own, as with each twirl the splits let the silky material fly free. Again the crew is cheering - more I think for Tuvok, and he makes a solemn nod to acknowledge. I wonder if the glitter is going to follow me all night! It doesn't settle, which is fortunate. i give all my attention to Tuvok as we dance, he is my oldest counsellor and advisor, and has also been invaluable to me. At the end of our dance he does a flourish of a bow, and I sink into a deep curtsey. I thank him again, and watch as he leaves the dancefloor and the holodeck to return to duty. Tomorrow he will be released to return to Vulcan and treatment, but I am very glad to have shared today with him.

Icheb, as promised attends to me, and I have a glass of hopefully synthehol champagne, and two definitely-not-leola-says-chell . They are delicious, so i raise my glass to him, before drinking swiftly. Holding my arms out to Icheb, we join slightly later in this dance. His face of total concentration soon has me laughing. I have to say that dancing is a pleasure not a penance, and he points out Harry, who is still stumbling with two left feet, a red face and despair in his eyes. Ok, so it can be a penance too! I persuade Icheb that we can smile, try a twirl and even a small lift in the steps, and soon he starts to lose some of his reserve. He dares me to see just how many pirouettes i might be able to do as he twirls me about him, and i think we are both surprised by the number. I laugh to see his smiling face as i focus on him as my centrepoint with my dress twirling ever upwards. Dancing so freely i can almost see the taut ribbons releasing of my tight captain persona that has encapsulated me, actually a living embalment may be a better expression, untwirling now though and slipping away with a whisper. I feel free! I laugh as i am back in his arms to steady me, and we are both more relaxed for the rest of the dance. We bow and curtsey at the end as I release him to dance with Naomi, who is tapping her feet impatiently. I hear her ask to be twirled like that. Icheb is in for a long night!

I think we probably have at least 12 dances in this formal section, and I had planned to sit one out, but I have the doctor asking for the next dance, and Tom, Ayala, Dalby, Baytart and Lessing have all placed their names against my dance card. maybe I will just have to hope that Icheb keeps me fortified every few dances. Soon i am whirling around Viennese style in the doctor's more than capable arms. Like all things he chooses to do, he excels at formal dancing. My heels are light, as is my heart as I smile broadly at the world.

-0-0-0-

table gossip:-

'Well, he came with Seven after all.' ... 'She does look beautiful. I would love to have a chance with her.' ... 'didn't you hear how she broke Chapman's arm on their date?'... ' that was quite a while ago now.'... ' Who's that lad speaking with icheb.'... ' it isn't! not that Q kid!'... ' now we have made it home, i don't want to be thrown back somewhere else due to the damned q. can you see his dad?' neck craning to check there is no sign of Q.

'The captain is beautiful, i have never seen her out of uniform and had no idea she was so small!'... ' how can she be quite so scary when most of us tower over her.'... ' She doesn't seem very heartbroken.'... ' She is the captain, i'm not sure how much heart she has to break!'... ' I don't know, she has looked after all of us, and you saw her in the mess, she was genuinely upset, especially over Carey.'... ' I remember when he had a fight with B'Elanna for the chief's role!'... ' thats when i thought she might be ok for us ex-maquis, after all, if she can give a belter like Torres a chance'... ' i certainly enjoyed seeing Tuvok race Chell around the ship.'... ' Chell looks like he could do with more training, all that access to the messhall food has gone to his... belly!' general laughter

'Let's eat! the food is amazing'... 'did you try those puffballs, go on, eat them all in one go'. hysterical laughter. 'i know! leola!'

'how does she keep dancing'... 'cant imagine when she last went to bed, after all, this morning we beat the Borg'... 'it is hard to believe it was this morning!' ... 'one hell of a woman'... 'see her with chakotay? dont care what they say, but they so are a couple!'... 'watch him watch her, every step she takes!'... 'she's not watching him tho, dncing and laughing with everyone. Tuvok didn't do a bad job of dancing and the doctor, though poor poor Harry' laughter 'come on the champagne is real and unlimited! then time for another dance'

'-0-0-0-

'Harry' says Tom, giving me another nudge. He is laughing at me. I have just watched Chakotay walking in with Seven. I am fairly well frozen to the spot. I have never seen her out of her catsuit, and she is stunning. OK, so I can absolutely see why Chakotay is dating her. I mean, i am sure he isn't so shallow that is is only concentrating on her, er attributes, but that dress shows her off. She looks perfect on his arm, his dark skin and black tux in that feline pace providing the contrast to her icy stillness and bright red. My jaw is fairly well dropped - hence Tom laughing at me. In fact, as I watch all the various crew arrive, all dressed for a party, I am shaken by how used to the starfleet uniform i have become. i am so used to seeing the same thing day in and out that it comes as a huge surprise to see the individuality of the clothes chosen. Jenny catches my eye, and I blush. 'well,' I say, trying to cover before Tom teases me again 'I guess that is Chakotay making his decision. i just didn't see that coming after the walk today and that moment on the bridge.' I realise that i am truly disappointed, i am angry looking at Seven preening as she walks beside him. Although she is undoubtedly exquisitely beautiful, and i have been enthralled by her charms, and she is undeniably intelligent, I cannot see how she and Chakotay have made a connection as , well spiritual and deep, as the one I have seen him share with the captain these past years, that i have even seen them share today. Tom sighs at me, and pats me on the shoulder. 'c'mon starfleet, you hopeless romantic, time to get ready for the captain.' I scowl at Chakotay and Seven and hope that the uplift from the crew will keep that party flowing and the captain wont leave too early.

I walk to the main podium, interrupted by Reg, who is excitedly chattering about seeing Seven and Chakotay. Luckilly I pass him to the doctor, who is excited to introduce him to everybody. The band have their running order and all of us are here when B'Elanna comes in, Advance Guard for the Captain. And when the captain comes in, she is owning the room from the start. Flanked by her two cadets she is every inch the woman of the hour. I can see an admiral in her bearing. Her personality mix of command and fun are shining, and the buzz in the room all stops and looks at her for some more spontaneous cheering. She embodies voyager's indomitable feisty spirit for us. As she is enfolded in hug after hug on her way to the podium, i have tears in my eyes. Like most of the senior crew, and many of the crew generally, i have no difficulty owning that i would lay down my life for her, follow her wherever she leads, and trust her judgement implicitly. Well, I have been doing this one way or another for the last seven years! Although, when i engage my rational brain I know that Seven is technically more beautiful than the captain, it is the expression, and living embodiment of her complex character that enhances all her physical features until in my mind there is no comparison. It is as if the captain is a 3D representation of beauty against the 2D image of Seven. Tom leans across and closes my mouth. I don't care and grin widely.

That was close! i thought for a moment that the dance between the command team was going to be sabotaged at the last minute. Luckily some direction from Tom, and surprising firm insistence by Chakotay and they are dancing, surrounded by the cheers of us all. look at how close they dance, their bodies moulded together as if they were made to fit this way, all the harshness and distance fallen away. I don't care that Seven is his date, watching them dance so closely together is like watching perfection. They have no care for the rest of the world, and are wrapped in each others arms and thoughts. I smile. I then laugh as I watch Seven turning Tom round and around to make sure the command team are always in her view. I bite it back, because I truly like seven, and over the years of working together we have come to accommodation. though she better never give me a numerical designation again! I can be magnanimous if the Captain can. the doctor dances beautifully, Sam on his arm smiling and moving with inherent grace. I wish I had similar skills. I look for the Delaney's as I will try to dance with Jenny in a bit. Hey! that it is junior q dancing with one of the delaney sisters, that is a potential problem! I look around, but cant see Q. I relax into the music. I have two left feet where dancing is concerned.

-0-0-0-

After the doctor talked incessantly whilst we danced, I have danced with Baytart and Lessing. Both of whom dance reasonably well but seemed to hardly dare to hold me at all. Either they think I am fragile, which seems unlikely after all the experiences we have shared, or maybe they were dancing with me at the limits of bravery! I maintain a light conversation through the dance, thanking them for all their service to Voyager, complementing them on their accomplished dancing and directing them next to the crew that I have watched them both grow closer to, particularly over the last year. I am lucky that Lessing has been able to put behind him my execrable behaviour over the Equinox. Thank goodness Chakotay was there to bring the situation under control! I have apologised before anad will no doubt have that episode as a significant proportion of debriefing. Not something to contemplate currently. My wonderful cadets kept me topped up with champagne and canapes and so I braved a dance with Harry, and my feet are not thanking me; he spent the whole dance apologising. He could do with some serious dance lessons. Moving to the more experienced arm of Ashmore we dance energetically to a quicker tempo and I relax into his steady lead, more and more the ribbons of command holding me in are released, and i breathe my spirit out onto the dancefloor, letting my accumulated cares spiral away from me.

I am also lucky as the dance finishes to again find hovering an attentive young man passing me another glass of champagne and holding a plate with single bite amuse bouche. 'Hmmm, thankyou' Q I say, smiling at him. He smiles back at me, and with a snap, the empty plate and glass are gone, and he has stepped with me back onto the dance floor. 'you are beautiful Aunty Kathy, and we are so happy you are back home' i grin at him. 'don't think i hadn't realised that your father's course corrections brought us to the transwarp hub. I am still not sure whether to thank him as we were successful, or yell at him for dragging us into danger again' Q laughs, 'the other you has already', he admits. 'the admiral?' i query. he just smiles. We dance, and as expected for a Q, he is skilled at it. 'are you planning on spending much time with Icheb?' I ask, and his smile widens. Apparently he does plan to particularly the holidays as he thinks they will have fun together. I eye him askance, suspicion building up. You will mostly be welcome, as long as you stick to my house rules. He twirls me more, and I am sure we are dancing on starlight. In fact, we are dancing on starlight! Q! I remonstrate, this is lovely, but Tuvok will have an apoplectic fit, and maybe Chakotay, depending on if he notices. We are instantly back on the holodeck and all is well. Thankyou, I say as the dance ends. Are you sure about the starlight, asks Q Junior as Reg approaches me for the next dance. I am sorely tempted to escape, but instead smile widely at Reg, he deserves this. He has to be a better dancer than Harry surely!

-0-0-0-

Ayala finishes twirling me around and I am giddy and laughing. I quickly look round to check on Naomi, and she is with Chakotay, who has clearly been finally able to take a break from Seven's proprietal hold. The harder she tries to hold him fast, the sooner he will break free. He is not a man to make a captive of. He is polite with Seven, and attentive on the dancefloor, but his passion is not apparent and I already know where this dance will end. In his poise and calm, I can see a man who is now at peace with the decision he has made, and is preparing for an endgame. I join B'elanna and Tom at their table and put my hands out for Miral, so that they can both take a turn on the dancefloor. Tom is an excellent dancer, and I hope he dances with Kathryn later. i shake a no at Dalby asking for a dance and waggle my aching feet. It is good to be able to sit here and rest my feet, so instead he joins me and we share a companionable moment before he is propositioned and moves back to dance. i am not sure how Kathryn is still dancing, especially in those shoes! I see both Icheb and Q Junior have been attentive. I chuckle at the idea of Kathryn having a Q as her cadet. Certainly she has spun around the dancefloor without ceasing this evening, and I cannot be the only one that contrasted her dance with Chakotay which was so close and felt like destiny, with that of Seven and Chakotay. Even with the more dramatic dance steps, it was technically slick, but not from the heart. Currently Seven is dancing with the doctor, and in essence the dance is the same, with the same expressivity. A beautiful dance, a wonderful couple, but not the closeness. I snuggle into Miral against her downy head. There is something calming and delightful about the smell of a newborn. Maybe, reuniting with my husband, there will be another chance for us too.

As this dance draws to an end, the band changes tempo, and Tom moves to dance with the Captain. This is something that will be worth watching. Once they both were in the same dance class, so Kathryn said, so I hope this is going to be interesting! B'Elanna joins me at the table and takes Miral who has started to stir. The loving softness in her face when she holds Miral is a quadrant away from the angry woman I first met, chafing at starfleet rules and regulations. 'Well,' she says, 'they are going to put on a bit of a show, both are slightly competitive over best dancer, and currently on the polls, Kathryn is streets ahead. Needless to say, Tom is chafing at the bit'. We both laugh. Chakotay and Naomi also join us, breathless and also laughing from the wild crazy dancing that they have enjoyed together, and therefore of necessity, Seven joins us with the doctor. Q Junior snaps his fingers, and our table fills with choice refreshments. Even Chakotay grins, there is some benefit to having a Q with us, even if it is just to save weary feet.

I notice Chakotay's face soon turns hard, and looking out, I can see that he is concentrating on Kathryn. I would laugh, but it seems best to not notice. Kathryn and Tom are truly putting on a whale of a show with their dance. their competitive edge is there, but there is more than that, they are really enjoying the dance together. This time I can also truly appreciate the choice of dress as well, with the moves she and tom are making whipping around the dancefloor there is a lot of leg and thigh on display, and her bare back arches and bends, the musculature on display of an athletes body. she is captivating, and Chakotay is salivating. They make quite a couple, and it is clear that she is happy without reservation. Tom is, well masterful, as he moves them both and I realise that they must have danced this many times before to have such good recall. It must have been some dance class! Truly beautiful to watch. Half the dancers on the floor leave to concentrate on their dance, and the other half are spurred to greater daring - including Ayala and Megan, i think it is Megan. unsurprisingly, the poll on best dancers is changing rapidly, and the potential claimants to dance with the Captain. i cant imagine she will have any rest! Naomi has now persuaded Harry to dance with her. Twirling her wildly is at least one dance skill he has. I think Naomi has been modelling herself on the captain, one day she is going to be truly formidable!

Seven is carefully continuing to talk about a variety of subjects, like a butterfly looking for nectar alighting on flower after flower. None of them capture an increasingly brooding Chakotay, though he is careful polite enough to answer. I sigh, the technical skill of showing the nebulae in the hologram, the appropriateness of different clothing choices, the likelihood of the captain facing court martial and the inefficiency and wastefulness of a buffet are never going to capture him. Just what possessed him to think that this relationship could work in the alpha quadrant. I look at them both and suggest they dance. Anything is better than hearing her desperate attempt at inconsequential chatter as he watches Kathryn as a starving wolf would eye its prey.

-0-0-0-

Dancing with Tom has been wonderful. Giving up some of the captain persona has allowed me to enjoy more the company of my crew generally, and on this occasion Tom in particular. The detail to our dancing doesn't allow me much contemplation time as it is a swift tempo and many tricky footmoves, and mostly I am laughing and concentrating hard on making sure our dance together shines. It is pure fun to be able to let go with the music with such a skilled companion. I am relieved though that i can dance so closely with Tom, at times our bodies twine without space between, and yet remain without chemistry or passion. Knowing what has been between us before, I have never attempted a physical closeness on Voyager. Now I know that we can truly enjoy our friendship without shades of the past distracting the present. A final flourish and the dance is finished. Slightly out of breath I curtsey and then am drawn into a hug. 'Thankyou Katie' he grins at me. Yes, I can be Katie now as well. He scoots back to B'elanna and Miral' . I feel Chakotay's smouldering eyes on me, and smother a grin. Watch my angry warrior, watch.

Whilst I am looking for my boys to top up refreshments for me, both Dalby and Ayala come for their dance. Clearly the maquis leadership structure is intact, as there is a very clear proprietal 'mine' as Ayala determines it will be his dance. Today, tonight I am not the captain, and I will dance with the victor of this clash of wills. Ayala catches Harry's eye, and there is a change to the bands music. 'you can dance an Argentinian tango, I presume?' I look up at Ayala with some surprise! My crew have obviously been hiding skills from me. I nod, and he suggests we start with the standard set for the first iteration and see how much more complicated we can make it for the repeats since there has been no chance to practice. I can't help but follow the focus of the challenging look he casts over my shoulder, and see Chakotay poised to come over and intervene. I look back at Ayala and huff a laugh. We understand each other. Challenge on!

Dammit! that must be the fastest, fiercest, most sexy dance i have ever, *ever* danced. I always loved dancing the Tango, and this version got racier and racier with every repeat. I will certainly partner Mike at any opportunity to dance in the future, he is able to move my body at speed and yet we maintained grace throughout and for most of the dance it felt like we were one body dancing in unity. I wasn't aware of anyone else whilst we danced, the dance was everything. We could have been entirely alone. As Mike gently brushes his lips across mine at the end, i am truly ready to swoon at his feet. There is no doubt from his body's reactions that something similar is being felt there too! he brings me up from the Tango Swoop dip and holds me definitely tighter than strictly required. For a moment we are pressed together before he releases, and in his eyes is a very definite invitation. My this evening is proving instructional! By the alacricity of his moving off, and the hairs rising on the back of my neck, i know without turning who is approaching. I have a feral grin as I turn to him. The expression he has makes my breath catch. Neat hunger.

My smile widens, and I tap his arm. He jumps back as if scalded, then walks off in the direction of the podium, demanding that I follow. 'Always' I murmur, just loud enough. The stalking confirms a hit. Chakotay, angry, prideful warrior, it is time to make your move if you plan to.

When I get to the podium, there is an ornate throne and lots of laughter from the crew gathering around. Leading the revelries is Tom, to no-one's surprise. 'This us the crew saying thankyou to the one and only'... The band does a drumroll, and i am announced as 'Captain Kathryn Janeway of the federation starship voyager, queen of our hearts and leader of our souls' to huge cheering. 'Tom, please say i don't need to make a speech again!' Once seated on the throne, Megan Delaney, wearing a very strappy silver number comes and crowns me voyager's queen with a faux diamond tiara and a pretty speech about voyager having a better, stronger, cleverer queen than the borg, one that dances better and is entirely a sexier one!' - i wonder whether this is tempting fate. more cheers and laughter as well as ribald commentary. Then Ashmore, with some fuss, places a sash around me, on it is the phrase 'do it' . He recounts a number of bridge stories of us facing a variety of less hospitable delta quadrant aliens and phenomenon and my response, with the punch line shouted back by the crew being my order of 'do it', each time noisier and with more laughter . I declare that it is more to the point than picard's 'make it so' and say that i am a direct woman. Chakotay turns a snort of laughter into a cough, and i give him a death stare for good measure. the death stare gets a round of applause too...

Culhane announces an award for Chakotay as being the most hardpressed first officer in starfleet, trapped between supporting an impossible captain and saving her for the consequences of her rash, but improbably successful actions. I ball my hands on my hips and glare at Doyle, who is now pinning a sheriff's badge on chakotay for actions well beyond the call of rational duty. There is generalised laughter. He is also given a hayne's manual for managing Captain Kathryn Janeway. I can't help but laugh too and say it is seven years too late! Still, once this laughter is done, he also gets recognition for the skilled management of crew and personnel, as well as me, his ability to destroy shuttles and the inevitability of disaster on first contact, but the ability to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat and always bring our captain home. I cheer too and can't resist smiling across at him.

Nicoletti then comes with a gift from the entire crew, a whiskey decanter with the delta quadrant journey inscribed around it, with a mini voyager in silver around the neck. There are 4 tumbers, two have all the crews names written across them, and the other has the crews favourites of my sayings over the year, with 'weird is part of the job' being noticeable. All resting on a silver platter, with the voyager motto "For I dipt in to the future, far as human eye could see; Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be." . I love it . I really love it, and thank the crew. Q Junior shouts he will place it safely in my room, snaps and it is gone.

Finally The doctor interrupts the proceedings and announces that it is time for his song, and invites Seven to join him. The rest of us scramble off quickly and one of my boys, Icheb this time, passes me refreshments. I cannot believe that it is this time in the evening already. I hug reg goodbye, as he will be leaving after this, as will Icheb, Naomi and Q Junior, i presume. As the strains of the drinking song, from la traviatta rings through, I hug icheb, naomi and Q junior, thanking all three for their part in making the day wonderful. Then, with a full glass of champagne, i chink it with every crew member i come across as i walk around the room. Life is very good.

'Let's enjoy the wine and the singing,the beautiful night, and the the new day find us in this paradise'

-0-0-0-

I think i need to pause there! happy partying Voyager crew!

Chapter 22: Chapter 22 - Coming home together

chapter 22

Seven

I look anxiously for Chakotay as the we finish singing. It has been an acceptable evening so far, but his promise is now time expired. I have assessed the probability that with the close proximity during our dancing, I have strengthened our connection. our dance was more polished than his with the Captain. He should have noted our technical superiority together. I am grateful for the captain for the non-challenging nature of their dance. Comparatively she had superior interaction with Ayala and Paris, with her exceptional dancing ability. I hope that Chakotay will desist from his romantic regards of the captain, and instead continue our pairbond. I am ill prepared for our arrival at Earth, uncertain of my place in the alpha quadrant. I hoped that if we were together, Chakotay would provide me with appropriate support. he must identify that the captain dances with superiority with Paris or Ayala, and may prefer to pairbond with them? However, I agree with Tal, that this thing that I have for Chakotay does not have the sensations of love she describes, and is not even as fulfilling as that which I shared with the Chakotay hologram with my failsafe intact. It is not love, it is the need for a protector.

I see her first, flanked by Icheb and Q Junior by the exit, they are leaving and she is clearly giving them instructions regarding Naomi Wildman. I apprehend her, but the change in holoprogram has destabilised my balance temporarily. The holoprojection changes, and I am uncertain that I will wish to stay. It is full of flashing lights from pretend phaser fire, photon torpedos, tractor beams across the ceiling in time to the music, and at both ends there appears to be pulsing warp cores. The feel is very disconcerting. The band has given way to a booth in a corner, with a variety of holocharacters taking requests for music. I spot Chakotay, and he has his eyes on her, and is approaching in a stealth pattern. He is too late though, and Ayala sweeps her into a dance as the loud cacophony takes shape with a recognisable beat. Around us, chaos ensues. I much prefered the original holoprojection. The crew are mostly up and dancing, in pairs, singles and small groups. I watch chakotay disengage his search pattern for Kathryn and sit next to Torres, stroking Miral as he does so. I do not understand the appeal of the squalling red bundle.

When I join him, I realise the fallacy of my hopes. I do not understand how we could have crafted a marriage in the alternate timeline. When the admiral told me that it would hurt Chakotay, i think she underrepresented the disaster that our marriage must have been to all three of us. He does not even notice my arrival, even when i touch his arm. He is entranced by the Captain. He can only see her. He has always only seen her. I have been only in the quiet, where she doesn't surround him, he never wanted to bring me into the open. I realise that he is jealously observing her dancing. When he finally nods in my direction, I know with a sinking sensation that it is because he is going to reaffirm that our date is over, as is our romantic liaison. Before he can, I jump away with the excuse that I am going to bring him a drink.

-0-0-0-0-0-

table gossip:

'Well, the dancing poll definitely puts the captain ahead!'...' what in the sexiest dancer category?' ... 'yeah, well, who else would come close?'... 'dunno, i guess ayala and paris are both doing well?' ... 'well, ayala has the edge there, what with that tango, and now, look at that dance with the captain!'...' i think it is a little bit, well, shocking'...' oh come on, she is allowed to party now! think of all the times she has left early and not partied, gotta let her have her celebration'

'megan! look at mike go!'... 'hmmm, well, i hope he still has some moves left for me. I didn't imagine that chakotay dating seven would ruin my own date!'..' come on megs, doesn't seeing mike move like that, well make you a little hot?'...' no, it makes me jealous! i am not used to that!'...'not as jealous as chakotay looks though'...'why dont you just go and find Har, Jen. He can't mess up one of these dances so much.'

poll leader: sexiest dancer: Janeway 318; Ayala 276; Paris 267; M delaney 235

poll leader: best dance with captain: Ayala 324; Paris 278; Chakotay 149

poll leader: sexiest pairing: Janeway/Ayala 298; Ayala/M Delaney 234; Janeway/Chakotay 230

-0-0-0-0-

Janeway

I am not waiting for Chakotay to enjoy this evening. My heart says that we belong. I am ready when he is. Tonight is about more than just us, it is about joy, laughter and family. It is about removing some of the barriers between command and crew. Ayala asks for another dance, and why not. A little frisson of delight and danger at the thought. This dance, to a modern beat reminds me of my cadetship, free and easy dancing with handsome cadets. No promises, no expectations, no regrets, just the joy of moving our bodies well together, and the suggestion of enticement. Sometimes more than a dance, sometimes not. i delight in letting myself freely move, and Ayala is no slouch as a partner, increasing the fire and the connection. It is the kiss on the neck that wakes me back up to the present. i suddenly realise I have been lost in the dance, and that Ayala is getting very close to leaping over a line that i have no intention of crossing. His hands have made a more thorough assessment of me than any other including Chakotay. i need to do a pull back although i continue the dance in the same seductive manner. When the dance finishes, my face gives a clear tho regretful no, and I send him off to Megan for good with a stroke to the cheek. Casting a quick look at Chakotay sitting with Harry, they both have mirrored brooding jealous expressions. Dammit chakotay, i want to shout, don't just sit there, come make your moves, just do it!

A new dance starts, and i wander into the centre of the dance floor, preparing to dance this one alone, well, dammit, hoping that Chakotay decides to join me. As the intro continues, I recognise this anthem of victory as a favourite of Tom's and one that I danced many years ago with Justin. I am thinking of Justin as Tom makes the initial move of the duet, and I cannot help but smile. I know the message, you loved Justin deeply once, yet here you are ready to love again. If this isn't to be, you can love this deeply again. He isn't as confident of the outcome as I am and he is wrong that i can love this deeply again, but I love him for the message. I smile at him, as I channel all my passion, my hopes and expectation into this dance that we never shared but danced in parallel. My mind is unfettered, dancing free in the past. I am dancing with Tom and Justin, an amalgam. I am dancing with my young self, full of love and hope, with my the old loves who shaped me, acknowledged and forbidden. Mostly I am dancing in my mind with justin who i loved with such idealistic clear passion that I overcame for him the hurt he rescued me from, and with Tom, who provided me with the healing I needed to do it. Both entwined into one in my memory, I can no longer clearly see which was Tom and which was Justin, what i shared with both or neither. Through the dance I express the physical love that I shared with one, and the emotional love with the other. i dance for all my hopes and aspirations, my passion and my lost love. I dance, freeing my body of all final constraint, losing sight of the dancefloor, just living in the emotion of the dance with Justin/Tom, the passion and the hedonistic glory of our love. And when the dance is done, i am free of that pain that I have carried all these years, and the guilt of moving onwards. I see Tom again in front of me, and voyager wraps around.

I have clarity. The moment to act is here. I grip hands with Tom and deliver him to B'Elanna, I have no doubts as they race to the photobooth, having thrust a sleeping Miral in my arms, that we will not see them for a while. I stand in front of Chakotay, a challenge and command in my eye. You are mine, come, dance with me, take me. It is time. I feel the pulse of heat through my body, the pool of warmth from desire. He stands to attention, even his heels click, and I know that for him it is time too. I see that hungry look in his eye as he starts to reach out. come chakotay, onto the dance floor my angry warrior, holder of my heart and soul. Catch me, take me, make me yours. I turn and move off, never doubting he will follow.

I hear it first, the sound of an indrawn breath, the splatter of liquid, the shout from Harry, and in front of me the eyes of Nicoletti, Delaneys and Wildman turning from knowing smirks to a shocked collective gasp. I do not need to hear the upraised voice of Seven to know that she has made a guerrilla attack and intercepted chakotay. Another deviation to our course. He can finish this without my assistance, and then I will see whether he needs further impetus, or whether our imperceptible movement towards each other over the last seven years has already begun freefall and inevitability.

The moment broken, again, I am enveloped by crew, flush with maternal desire. Hiding the scene behind me, and hiding me from the scene. I am not of that. we cluck, stroke and adore Miral between us, who takes this in her self satisfied way, blinking and mewling softly. Amongst the sweat and perfume arises the innocent sugarcandy smell of newborn and we shrug off cares and vying for favours to jointly adore this new life, i hold her in my arms and again feel an ache for what might never be. My heart beat settles, and my breathing returns to calm. There will be another opportunity. i can enjoy the bonding of women over a baby. I am persuaded that we should go in the other photobooth and take a Miral photo, which we all do, trying not to giggle that Tom clearly did not think of soundproofing the booths!

on leaving the booth, Sam takes Miral since Megan is asking for a dance. Chakotay is no longer here, so I will dance with Megan and then determine my next move. I note that the doctor and Seven appear to have also left. Megan giggles and points at Harry, still hyperventilating from my dance with Tom. i had not been aware quite how that dance would come across. She then points at Mike, and i am uncertain which of us he is hungrily considering. I have never needed much to tempt me into a dare, so Megan and I dance our best dance with each other. I am not sure whether the sensuousness and sexuality of our dance is in challenge to Mike's need or Harry's composure, or just the pure delight of dancing freely together. i have danced with women before, but not for a long time. Dammit, but i haven't danced like tonight with anyone for a long time! i am going to fully enjoy all the sensations of freedom whilst i can. The music is still playing when Mike strides forwards, unable to hold back further, and I leave him to claim Megan and instead sit beside Harry. 'no way!' he starts off. I laugh, a full bodied laugh. 'Harry, i wouldn't eat you' he looks uncertain as to the truth of this, and I laugh more. 'Where is he?'. we both know the he in question, and he is changing. He had better return. I ask him to comm and ensure that this happens. 'harry to chakotay... what now... the captain is wondering if you are going to return... otherwise she might make me dance with her...muffled snort, she had better be ready then' . I thank harry and insist that he dances with Jenny 'just stand there and wiggle slightly, she will do the rest' I suggest. blushing bright red, I see him trying to make good on this instruction, and relax back into the couch. Now Mr Chakotay, how long are you planning to keep me waiting?

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Ayala

I have shared two dances with the captain, both fired me up, but she isn't interested in me. Fired up the old man too! I thought he was going to have it out maquis style. Would like to see him try, it has been some time, and i think i could beat him. but my feelings for the captain are a mix of hero worship of the captain she is, rather than the woman, blended with the desire to see the woman that Chakotay has droned interminably about when particuarly frustrated, or she has been particularly badly injured. Both common occurrences. I love her at once removed. Megan, however, Shit i could love that woman all day long! ok, all night long too. The dances we have shared. Hot hot hot! with Tom's latest dance he has pushed me out of top spot for dance with captain and sexiest pairing though. the current Janeway/M Delaney is running fast too. i eye them both, this is probably wish fulfilment gone crazy. I can't stand it any longer, and go and drag Megan into my arms. When Tom has finished in one of those photobooths, I might take a leaf out of his book and copy his example. I know I am not letting Megan out of my sight. From the way she relaxes completely into my arms and delivers a passionate kiss, I am sure we are in this together.

M Delaney

crap! i see how mike hungrily looks at the captain, and how he looks at me. I want all his attention, all his obsession. Time to stop testing the waters and dive in at last. A delaney settling down, that i didn't expect. Dancing with the captain, I am amazed by her fluidity, and ease in replicating the sex appeal regardless of partner. I am sure she was wild as a cadet. Our dancing has caused ructions throughout the crew. Just a shame Chakotay isn't here to grind his teeth further. Looking again at Mike, i think i might have overplayed this card, he is storming over! oh, he is storming over for me! We claim each other, arms and bodies entwined, mouths kissing passionately. This day is perfect.

Harry

Shit, i thought the captain was going to make me dance with her. Its not that i wouldn't, oh gods, i would enjoy it. but it would be bad. I mean, she is my captain, and, well, er I kinda feel like her son. not always. shit. Jenny, yes, jenny. How hard can it be. oh My God, very hard, can she tell? she can. She isn't stopping though. I think i might need to sit down. Thank god Tom is, well wherever. Oh my god, oh my god.

Jenny Delaney

Thank heavens and the captain for that. she has shunted Har in my direction, and finally he is daring to dance with me. I think she must have given him some tips, as essentially he is mostly standing whilst i dance around him. oh well, i will dance like the captain and see how long he lasts out before he admits that he wants a bit more than just friends. Ha! not long, he cant help but move his hands to caress me, and as i grind back, he is loosening up. A twirl and my face is close to his faces, arms entwined around his neck and he is kissing me as if he can't stop. pent up passion and desire. Harry certainly is better at kissing than dancing. I shunt him backwards onto a couch and straddle his lap, kissing all the while, grinding down on him. I have caught you, Harry Kim.

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Janeway

I see the pairings up happening across the dancefloor from my comfy chair, it feels like a command chair, and I am satisfied. This is the family that I love, and we have made strong bonds with each other. I am not sure that all the pairings will make it long term. Hell, I am not sure than mine will with Chakotay, if it ever gets off the ground, but i am sure that the love for each other and support always will. My new promise to them all, now we are home, is to continue to be there for them, help them, mentor them, and make sure that we can all still survive in the alpha quadrant when all is said and done. I go to comm chakotay, but it isnt required. He is making his move, and a smile steals across my face. there is a harsh new beat, crashing in and taking over from the gentler couples dance. it acts as a clarion call for the former maquis. they are all separating from their pairs, and B'Elanna runs out of the photobooth, tucking bits of dress together, with Tom more slowly following.

They are standing there, waiting, when He comes in. Hell, but he looks good. I melt into my chair, heart rate and respiration increasing. He is in his maquis leather pants and his linen shirt is open nearly to his waist. He is fist pumping the air to the beat as he comes in. A call to arms, a call to join him. They all fall in. i realise that it is such a long time since i have seen him as the maquis captain - barring an incident i am trying hard to forget. He has a proud grin on his face as he lopes between his people, proud, fist pumping as he goes. they join in as he passes, jumping and pumping. when they are all joined he turns to face me. I am not sure I could stand if I tried, I am a captive to his charms and i am sure my face betrays the wanton need of my body. I can feel desire leaping and crackling between us. 'Captain, his voice caresses, 'i give you a maquis celebration dance' It is a dance of raw, primal energy. Each dancer separately interpreting the dance, but the whole still coming together with clashing vibrancy. I imagine that voyager herself is shaking with the beat of this, with the percussive step of each dancer, with the victorious fists punching the air. The sheer animal passion behind it, if my dancing was sultry and seductive with thoughts of Risan delights, this is Klingon blood fever. And I am caught, most definitely caught. The insistent drum beat carries on, and I notice the rest of the crew being pulled in, by want or desire, joining in, so gradually our whole crew present are behind chakotay.

he comes to capture me, hauling me up unresisting into his arms, pressing us tightly together. This is not my deferential first officer, this is my proud warrior mate, my equal. I am his. 'come, dance Kathryn, maquis and starfleet blended' and as i nod to agree, he kneels down and commands me to climb on his shoulders. Hell, there is nothing that i would deny currently, so soon I am up on his shoulders as he jumps up and we both punch the air in celebration. My dress fails my modesty, as with the slits there is nothing between the skin of my bare thighs and the cheeks of his face. The feel of him his stubbled hair at the nape of his neck brushing so close against me, well, it is increasing my need. He must be able to feel the pool of moisture. The pairs in our crew have also lifted partners, and as the music starts to reach a great crescendo, Chakotay races us to the centre of the dance floor, where we join the others, jostling together in our paired states, high fives, jumping, hugging, touching heads, shoulders, faces, laughing. The combination of the beat and the wild shamanistic dancing, as well as the communal finish, and we are all laughing on a high. We all belong utterly together. This is always going to be a Voyager dance from this day forth. Surveying the scene, even Harry could dance this one.

I am jolted back by Chakotay kissing my inner thigh as he moves to release me from his shoulder. I tremble with desire. I cannot believe that this is our first public kiss! a very intimate and sensual nuzzle. 'spirits kathryn, you smell good'. i know exactly what i smell of, sex and need. As i am swung down to the ground and face him, i also know that this is most definitely mutual. I look at him, waiting for my move, to confirm. Finally the stars have lined up for us, and i cannot help the wide smile that spreads across my face as I look up at the man that I unequivocally love. Voyager is not breathing around us as i step in so close into him that I feel his heart thudding against my chest. The known universe doesn't catch a breath as i raise my face up to his and the whisper of his sigh passes across my cheeks, and time is stilled as his lips come crashing down onto mine and our lips part with the total finality of our unity. I cling desperately to him to support me through the decimating waves of love and passion swirling like a living tornado around us. The very kiss, our third, leaves me breathless, every pounding beat of my heart, of his heart, is heralding our union, bringing us closer together. Exhilarated by finally, finally reaching this moment, I want to scream, punch the air, cry my love to the universe. I settle for grabbing at his collar with one hand, caressing his hair at the nape of his neck, and with the other tracing his tattoo with my fingers before bringing that hand to rest against his bare flesh at his heart. The heart that belongs entirely and unquestioningly to me. He presses his hips against mine, and i shift slightly so that his full hardness can be felt across my taut abdomen. His arms hold me tight enough for both of us, one on my lower back, and the other slipping below my ass to give me extra elevation. Lifting me into the fullness of his lips, of his kiss. delight skips across my soul. I moan into his mouth, and it acts like a goad. he is lifting me for real, and I don't care if that destination is a bulkhead, a photobooth or the holodeck exit, so long as he is striding towards our mutual release, i can feel him pressing closer into me. Hell yes, Chakotay, just do it!

The cheers of the crew are so loud that even we notice them. Disorientating to remember there is a world around us. A world of crew, who have seen us just behave like first year cadets, and require some sort of reprimand. I blush, and expect tom or B'Elanna to deliver some payback. I would look and see, but my eyes are captured by Chakotay, spilling love and devotion and need as he holds me. He rests me back on the ground and in his arms still. he whispers into my ears words of love and passion, and we gently move to the slow dance that is playing whilst the wild cheering slowly peters out. Like earlier, our bodies naturally fall into the embrace. We fit. I press against him again, feeling his reflexive response, enjoying the strength of his support. I breathe in his scent, the strong masculine sweat mixed with the spiced cologne constant for out seven year journey. The smell of him alone makes me deliciously happy. I am focused only on him, on the whisper of his fingers against my shoulders, tracing my spine down to where i disappear inside the dress. The gentle kisses against my forehead. 'I love you' I murmur, and i feel the smile, i pull his head down so that he kisses my cheek, to my ear and then down my neck to my collar bone. I sigh against him. I am, without doubt, in heaven. As he lifts his head back up to smile again, the world has righted, we are where we belong. we kiss deeply. i will never stop wanting these kisses, i will never wish to leave the warmth of his embrace.

He moans, and the pressure of our need mounts between us again. 'i think we should leave the crew to play' i murmur against his lips. 'mmmm' he recaptures mine. 'otherwise...' i let the sentence fade away, but he pulls back and smirks at me 'otherwise, Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the federation starship voyager?' i blush. 'otherwise i might take leave of all my senses' 'otherwise,' he growls ' we will find ourselves against one of the bulkheads and spirits help me, but this time I will take you and you wont resist' . before I make the rather obvious rejoinder, he stops my mouth with a kiss and sweeps me into his arms, and strides to the holodeck exit with the crew parting like the waves before him. I manage to think rationally for long enough that we may well just be swapping bulkhead for turbolift and bark out a command [janeway command maquis alpha finis] and the transporter captures us both and delivers us into my lounge.

'really', he huffs a laugh looking down at me with deep affection! 'the end of the maquis alpha?' I am not laughing back, i am completely in earnest, swiftly investigating and releasing the fastenings of his clothing and, after all, I do find myself very quickly, willingly and without the slightest resistance held captive against a bulkhead.

We come home together.

Chapter 23: Chapter 23 - epilogue

Doctor

I believe that Seven will never look at me as a possible companion other than in friendship. It seems strange that someone who championed my individualism to the captain when I was struggling with my memory loop over Kim and Jetal, cannot see me as an individual enough to be a partner. We have much in common. However, I am glad that we can at least continue our friendship. I admit to being glad that her relationship with Chakotay has discontinued, though in more of a dramatic expression than I had anticipated. Seven said that it was important that there was no doubt that she had initiated it. Their relationship did not seem as inappropriate when it was a hologram chakotay, as it did once real and I have realised that the difference was that I was always hoping she would turn to me after the hologram. I also hadn't factored in the real world ramifications, and the effects it would have on people that i realise i care strongly for, the Captain in particular. It just didn't work in the crew dynamics. We had a long discussion after she had parted company with Chakotay back in the quiet of sickbay. I understood that she hadn't truly cared for him either, but it will take her longer to adjust, as currently she feels that he and the captain have betrayed her trust, and is conflicted about this. She needs their ongoing support and love. Like me, she is worried how she will fit into the alpha quadrant. i do not think she truly has cause to worry, and I am sure that the Captain will continue making best options for us. We have determined to see if we can be 'housed' together, due to our differing but quite specific needs, and if not, spend considerable time together as we adjust to debriefing. I hope that perhaps one day she can see me as more than my programme, and spending recreational time adjusting to our new lives may be helpful. Initially, she believe, as she will be spending time with family. I have no family, unless I consider Dr Zimmerman, so I may spend my family time at Jupiter station.

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Janeway

I am blissfully happy. There is no doubt as I lie curled in chakotays arms, i have finally found home. I am not young and naive enough not to see that we have difficult conversations ahead of us, as well as priorities to align. I am determined to make our relationship the priority here in the alpha quadrant. i feel replete, our lovemaking has been all and more than I have dreamed of. we have a lifetime, I hope, to explore each other. Now, though, I just need to sleep. I shift to face him, my sweetheart, and see my sleepiness mirrored back. Neither of us are as young as we were, and neither of us have had much sleep recently. 'i love you chakotay' and his heart shines in his face as he smiles and responds. It is as easy to make him happy as it has been to make him frustrated and angry. I snuggle in and allow myself to drift away, knowing that I am finally completely and utterly safe

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Q

I re-materialise us in the ready room. not fully corporeal, after all, i don't want any record of our presence. I am slightly disappointed that Captain Janeway, when my son joined her, didn't extend the party invitation to me. Never mind, I would have needed to refuse.

The day has finished now though for this Kathy, previously Admiral. I have a great compassion for her. Watching her journey has taught me a great deal about emotion, suffering and humanity. The Kathryn in this timeline will never feel all that anguish, she is not my Kathy though. Today, I have given the admiral, my Kathy, redemption from the heaviness of her guilt, I have shown her the outcome of her atonement. I took her essence as she was close to assimilation and have brought it to view with me the day. Now, I clothe her in a simalcrum of her appearance, letting her mind choose. She chooses a New Earth Kathryn. I am not surprised.

She is at peace. She was as proud as Captain Janeway at the crew performance, at the success. In her heart and mind they are still her crew and now she has brought them home. She shares with the other Kathryn the satisfaction of a successful delivery of her promise. She was proud of the Kathryn in this timeline, and touched tremendously by the celebratory walk and the love of the crew radiating back She had always known the crew loved her, but in her timeline the success was bittersweet and overshadowed by the darkness of loss. She was touched that she was specifically thanked, and that her own image and sacrifice, and consequently that of her timeline is part of the memories in this world. She was proud of her counterpart for letting Chakotay move on with Seven, giving them her blessing without rancour or bitterness. Something she struggled with more, as she could not avoid the heartbreak of seeing them every day. She was overjoyed that this was, after all, not the final outcome, and that she could see that Chakotay had true happiness in his future, as did the Kathryn she would now become. I reassure her that the futures of all have been benefited from this change, especially Seven, who will not only not die, but find a much more appropriate path in this timeline after some initial reevaluation. There will be no timeship relativity to change this future, it is as it should be. I wipe away the tear tracing down her cheek. Is it joy, sadness a combination? I was right to choose this woman all those years ago, she is truly magnificent. They are all truly happy, I confirm again.

I allowed her to view the pathfinders as well, and I wish that i could allow her corporeality, to hug once more those she loves, but that would be an eddy too much in the timeline. She understands both this and the gift she has been given. She has sacrificed everything and has ultimately been successful. This Kathy has given he whole heart and existence for her crew and family. She has been given healing in return, and the peace from this spreads across into the Kathryn of this timeline and settles there.

The broad, all encompassing smile she gives me is all the reward this Q requires. Humanity, voyager, has changed me. I will not visit any voyager timeline or team again, though my son will. I need a rest from the emotional pull of humanity. 'are you ready?' I ask her. An odd question, is she ready to finally not be. She nods. 'do it'. and then she is no longer there, just the shadow of her smile on my heart. It takes but a heartbeat for me to experience in Voyager the unusual sensation of a well completed task. Goodbye Voyager, goodbye both this crew and the shadow timeline that will now never be.

Enough maudlin thoughts! I have completed the goal commenced when I first shew Jean-Luc the Borg, I have set in motion the defence for individuality. I am Q. things to do, other species to meddle with!

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I hope that you have enjoyed this endgame rewrite. A new life now awaits them all! thankyou for the reviews, i have loved reading them

To go with this, i have a backstory of Janeway and Paris - 'just good friends'- s/12336134/1/Just-good-friends - mostly to get the story in before the party! [J/P; J/J; P/T] 7 chapters from the past to voyager party present through the eyes of Tom and B'Elanna, though Kathryn does some narration. M rated

I realised that I was cross with Chakotay after the ready room scene, and needed to understand why he was such a P'Tak - as actually I generally like the character. Shame Paramount didnt give him such a good story arc of development as it would have been great. So 'between two heavenly bodies' s/12382222/1/Between-two-Heavenly-Bodies - is his inner voice, coming to terms with loving grandly and entirely, and his understanding that settling for seven and family in the delta quadrant is not the same as doing it in the alpha quadrant. Not finished yet, probably one or 2 chapters, mostly T but veering to M.

A light hearted and silly spinoff of music videos made for fun by the crew - 'lets get this party started' - s/12386634/1/let-s-get-this-party-started- i needed to have an emotional breather after the readyroom chapter too! please comment your own suggestions. doesnt spoil any of the main story line. T rated as mild innuendo.

I then did a light hearted postscript to 'coming home with you' as 'the last red alert' - s/12403107/1/The-last-red-alert. I didn't have this as additional chapters as i wrote it in quite a different style - more humorous. so read this last! T rated

If I write any more, i will try and not divide it up so much! [learning from reviews] and will have timeline on my profile.

Thankyou for enjoying this with me. TrekDr