Work Text:
Title: The Morning After
Category: TV Shows » StarTrek: Voyager
Author: TrekDr
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Romance/Humor
Published: 07-02-17, Updated: 07-16-17
Chapters: 5, Words: 9,296
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
this is a direct follow on from the 'coming home with you/ between two heavenly bodies/ the last red alert' stories and precedes 'Indiana Idyll'. Yes, I am weaving back in time, mostly because I want to write some more light hearted small fics having just finished the rather epically longer than expected 'crossing the rubicon'! This one, however, just seemed to have a plan of its own.
-0-0-0-
I awake pinned down. Deliciously, Kathryn is sprawled across me, our legs entangled, her arm across my chest, and her head nuzzling my side, snug under my arm. Occasional snuffling sounds escape her. i cannot help the huge grin that plasters across my face. This is peace, this is home. This is exactly how our life should be. Half of my brain is just internally swearing in surprised delight, overwhelmed with the last 12 hours of love. The rest is starting to replay last night in glorious technicolour. That moment when our destiny came. The moment when we kissed, hell more than kissed, when we finally stopped resisting what has always been between us and instead launched together. That kiss, etched forever in my soul. Fuck. Here I am, in my bed, with Kathryn, and we spent most of the night... Spirits.
Most of me is outrageously smug, heart expandingly overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. Ha!, I have Kathryn in my bed, kathryn who loves me. still loves me, has always loved me. Part of me is terrified. Yes, i am terrified that she will regret me, that seven years of concealment has hidden who we really are. I am not that proud, trim, angry warrior, semi-feral and strong. The years have been hard, and I have lost some of my pride, sense of who I really am. The dalliance with Seven being a symptom of this. I am terrified that when we start talking, really talking, the bitterness over some of our poor decisions may blow us apart. Or we might hold together out of a doomed sense of loyalty. As I follow these thoughts, my joy starts to diminish.
I look down at Kathryn. My heart flips over, and the doubts recede. She looks peaceful. I know that she is confident about us. I will need her to be confident for both of us. It is a very long time since I woke up to a lover in my bed. It suggests a level of commitment that I have just not been able to make. In the dreams I have held onto, I have wanted Kathryn, I have wanted her partnership, love, a future and a family. Now that it seems possible, part of me just wants to run, run before I mess it up, or before the heartbreak if I lose her. Fool, how did I become such a coward.
I become aware that her breathing has changed, and looking at her again, her blue eyes are gazing at me. My heart stretches again, as i am filled with love. I cannot help but smile down at her, as she pull herself up on my chest and kisses me gently. I deepen the kiss, and let the doubts be pushed to the edge of my mind. This is the woman I love, the woman I have always loved. As she wraps her fingers in my hair and slides herself over me, increasing our connection. I feel my body sing with my heart, I know that this is right.
Her hands start to trail down from my hair, caressing my face and rest on my chest. I can feel her thinking, a question forming and I stop her pushing up from me by the simple expedient of flipping us over. Now it is my hands tracing, investigating, feather soft. My lips and tongue questing, pressing, desiring. Her thinking trails away with a low moan and whispering of my name as if I am her answer. It is the love in those three syllables that is my undoing. No one has ever said my name like that. I murmur endearments as I worship her, she breathes out my name. I am strong in this love, I am centered, I am both proud and humbled. I am complete. together we share our love, our delight, releasing the last seven years. together we receive absolution.
I have never felt the transcendent power of lovemaking like this. Collapsing by her side i keep our hands entwined. Facing each other, we have mirrored grins. 'I love you, Chakotay' she breathes. still panting, resplendent in post arousal bliss. I bring my lips to her ear 'I absolutely love you, Kathryn Janeway'. She laughs with pure joy, and as the computer tells me it is time to wake up, she swings out of bed and walks to the head. There is something settling about watching your lover shower and joining her. Laughing as you soap. Sneaking a caress here and a kiss there.
Showered, dressed and I see my lover, Kathryn, transform back into the Captain. I stand beside her, First officer again. But this time, she has her hand on her tilted hip, her 'winning' face on and her voice is gravel as she smiles up at me. 'so, what will it be, Chakotay? we have spent seven years suffering with my parameters and protocols. You have command.' i hesitate 'Kathryn, I'm not sure what you are suggesting?' I swear that she has rolled her eyes at me. 'Chakotay, I have made my feelings for you damn clear' and she wafts her hand at her still wrapped present on my table 'and I am committed in every way. But since we have run my way until now, and I am not overwhelmingly successful at relationships, I think you can take point. your speed, your direction' I am not sure where speech has gone, and she moves closer to stroke my tattoo 'second thoughts?' with worry clouding her face, and I shake my head 'never, Kathryn, I guess, I have really not thought alot ahead of where we are now!' clearly this is a lie, as I have thought about this for seven years, but now it is here... instead I draw her close and gently kiss her. 'breakfast?' i suggest. She grins 'in the mess?' and I escort her there.
Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - let's face the music
Waking, an awareness of where I am, and who I am with. Elation fills me. I have not lost him. My cheek rests on a bronzed chest, my leg tangled in his, and his musky scent surrounds me. I ache deliciously. As I breathe in the spicy musk, I feel myself responding, finally being allowed to respond to desire. Opening my eyes, he is smiling down at me. That is a relief, I think we can make this work. Sliding up for a kiss, which he quickly deepens, I am not the only responsive one. My inner self grins as I let my hands trail and explore his body. If I had thought we would have gentle lazy sex, Chakotay quickly disabuses me of that notion! Oh my God! 'Chakotay!' I breathe as my body hums and sings to his touch. He is masterful in his loving mastery of me. I am catapulted into exquisite anticipation and then th e fireworks, powerful explosions rip through me, and the stars belong to me.
As my breathing returns to me, I grin at him, his lazy smile and his warm eyes reflecting the bliss I feel. 'I love you, Chakotay' I hope that I will say this over and over for the rest of my life. His avowal of love returned would have me snuggling back in his arms, replete from the power of our lovemaking. However, the damned alarm is telling us it is time to get up and attem. I casually go to use his shower, grinning internally at the appropriation of the facilities and the hope he will join me. I give a bit of a sashay, presuming his eyes are gazing at their usual focus point. I nearly giggle as I hear the thud of his feet as he hops out of the bed too, and quickly skip into the shower.
Laughing together we finally dry and dress. Damn but it is good to be able to appreciate him directly. I note a smug grin as he catches me. I replicate a fresh uniform, but we will need to stop by my quarters for the pips. As I turn to jokingly tell him to make the best of me without rank, I notice a speculative look in his eye. it is the return of the captain, so i put the ball in his court. It is the least I can do. I am ready to commit everything, I have committed everything, but it is his call. He still is standing still, and I am worried that he is rethinking his choice. After all, my gift from the readyroom is unopened, and he must clearly know what it will be. I breathe through this, he hasn't rejected it, it is just too soon to accept. I have to reach out and touch him for reassurance.
My pips and makeup in place, the woman looking back at me from the mirror is worlds away, quadrant away even from the woman that looked back at me yesterday. She was entombed in her guilt, her need to fulfil a promise, and had buried herself in being the captain, it was all she had left. This woman, she has cracked that protective mask and is creeping free. She smiles and I can see the me behind the captain. The sparkle in my eyes, and the slight blush, they are all Chakotay. There is no way to breeze this off.
I leave my quarters to where I left him, lounging against the corridor, a smile on his face for every passing crewmember, and I think every crewmember is passing. I make a note to check the scuttlebutt. They are clearly wondering. In between though there is a hint of tightness around his eyes. I know you too well Chakotay.
His snap to attention and smart 'captain' I follow with an equally formal 'commander' and a nod as we walk to the turbolift. the professionalism is a bit dented when he whispers 'it isn't working Kathryn' into my ear, causing me to hop and then swat his arm. 'what isn't working?' i demand, hands automatically going to hips, chin up. he grins, 'the command thing, they are *all* watching' . 'so chakotay, what do you want to do? we aren't exactly on duty yet?' and I hope that he can sense where this is going . I am thinking either a turn and death glare, or a bit of gentle fraternisation - arm around me, kiss on the head. He grins, and bashes his commbadge 'chakotay to crew, thankyou for your interest. we are going to the mess for breakfast. Questions will not be answered' and then he twirls me in his arms and kisses me again as the turbolift opens and he steps us inside. i pretend not to hear the wolf whistles. 'well, he says, not on duty'
I am veering between horror and laughter, but i did promise chakotay i would do this his way. 'dammit chakotay! you are going to be a lot of work mister!' and I let myself grin at this behaviour. we can take today to relax on our ship. we deserve this. He looks relaxed in the turbolift. 'oh, was that too much Kathryn?'
I smile at him 'i love you' and my hand sneaks to his face. It is a joy to just feel his skin, the way it crinkles under my fingers as he smiles down at me. 'I love you too, kathryn' and I feel young again.
i'm not one to shy away from the hard facts though, and i think about that tightness around his eyes, the morning contemplation 'halt turbolift' here goes nothing
'Chakotay, are you happy though, with this? About us? Is it too fast? Too late? Too complicated? I know I am certain, but I've never been particularly good at this bit of a relationship, starting out, making accommodations. I am bound to get it wrong, upset you, misunderstand. just, just know I love you, and I want this to work. I can wait for you if I am rushing things, Chakotay, I know it wasn't any easy choice to make, and I can understand if... If you regret' my voice fades away after the waterfall of my thoughts have splashed out and I realise I am staring at his combadge, unable to raise my eyes. Not that I can clearly see through them.
'Kathryn' he breathes, raising my face up to kiss the the eyes that are refusing to shed tears. ' I love you, I don't regret this choice at all!' A gentle kiss and then his response is heartbreaking really. He stops still, and I see all the doubt flood into his eyes that I only glimpsed earlier as his words spill out around me. my proud maquis warrior, who can't trust himself to make a promise any more, can't trust himself to keep it. that with the combination of the delta quadrant and my choices, feels he betrayed his real path. he is so relieved that I am not expecting the immediate happy ever after prince that he so wants to deliver. That he can show doubt, not in our love, just... He needs time to become himself too, not to rush things, not to... He shrugs, and I think of my still wrapped gift and understand. He can't commit fully to me until he is sure of himself again. I know he loves me, we know that we have the love. we just need time.
we are just gently holding each other, comforting, when my comm goes off. it's B'elanna 'occupants of the turbolift, I cannot find a mechanical issue and will be overriding. I suggest you get your sorry asses up here to the mess' . I grin at Chakotay 'well, this will have fueled Tom's imagination at least! so, are we going in as a couple, or would you prefer the captain rewrite?' at least, a couple it is. I can let that smile out again. He waited, more or less, seven years. I can wait too, even if patience has never been my strongest suit. 'day at a time then, Chakotay' as the turbolift starts moving again, I drop a kiss on his cheek, and we are back, we can do anything as long as we are together.
So it is we walk in the mess, to be greeted with cheers and smiles. Chakotay peels off after a showy kiss on my hand to more applause and joins the long table next to Mike, grinning and loping with all the confidence of the man that has finally captured his captain. Cheeks stained pink as I truly realise the enormity of this, I keep busy talking, smiling, laughing with all my crew, doing my damnedest to ignore the ribaldry and back slapping from a certain table. It feels more like high school than a starship and I have my own moment of fear, but catching chakotay's eyes, and he was clearly expecting my reaction, I can see the love and concern. Our crew deserve the opportunity to celebrate with us. We are walk yesterday through all the ship, and the Party afterwards broke a barrier and forged a true connection. We can snap back into command when we have to, I am sure. I nod and he smiles, but the loudness around him diminishes. I imagine he is telling them not to scare me away, but I am never denying this love again.
I notice Seven, slightly separate and move towards her. better get the awkwardness over. 'seven' 'captain, i believe that you have been successful in initiating a relationship with the commander, may i offer my congratulations' i smile at her 'thankyou, Seven, that is very gracious, will you join me for breakfast? ' 'i believe that it would be considered socially awkward, captain. i have, after all, been the subject of deception' I wave my hands in the attempt to avoid an eye roll. Not quite so straightforward then. 'not deceived, seven, just a victim of a change of circumstances. join us, we are your family, and then come and talk to me when there is less... people, and more privacy.' 'that would be acceptable'
Chapter 3: Chapter 3 - a continental breakfast
he watches her across the room as she greets the crew members, a touch here, a hold there, all smiles. She knows each one by name, has all their favourite foods, family names, key shared events at her fingertips. Now, she is perhaps unaware that she is sharing one of hers with them. He wonders if she is aware of the pronounced sashsay to her step today, of the overfull lips, bruised by hours of passionate embrace, the slight flush of her cheek that perhaps comes with awareness of his glance.
The conversation in the turbolift has, if anything, renewed his vigour and confidence. Admitting the need to take things more slowly, find their steps, his steps in the alpha quadrant before further promises can be made seems inherently right. It is the beginning of a return to himself. It is this resurgence of self that allows him to deflect the light hearted banter from his friends without misplaced anger.
'so, from your expression, I guess everything is still in working order' Mike makes an early jibe as he sits down. 'better than working order' suggest Sam 'watch her wiggle' and the delaney sisters smother a joint giggle. They haven't been so close to the command team, and are currently uncertain over the extent they can take liberties. Harry, however, needs a thump on his back, happily administered by Tom. Probably administered too enthusiastically by the speed and trajectory the mouthful of pain au chocolat takes that narrowly misses Icheb, sitting behind with an excitable Naomi. 'it's OK, Harry' tom says in his best older brother tone 'parents do have sex...eventually' as he grins wickedly at Chakotay. 'knock it off, P'tak' says a ravenous B'Elanna, who is single handedly trying to empty the table of the heaps of french and danish breakfast items. Keeping a part Klingon baby well fed takes a lot of energy. He just grins wolfishly back at all of them. 'A gentleman never tells' is his only answer, catching her eye across the room, and hoping that the reassurance he sends gives her the courage not to just run away. He does have a moment of fear, but the tilt up of her chin shows him she is in defiant mode. All will be well.
When he pays attention again to the conversation swirling around the table, it is clear that his are not the only quarters to have seen some last minute excitement. So he passes on the his congratulations that he is is 'not the only one to execute *well laid* plans' with particular emphasis on well laid. B'Elanna murmurs her appreciation on his good come back and so the table degenerates into a fiesta of double entendre and thinly veiled smut. He knows he should probably shut down this talk, it isn't entirely becoming, but they are still off duty, and he is feeling very smug and comfortable in his overall performance, and they are probably close enough to all be considered family. Megan and Jenny are unaware that this isn't the usual senior table conversation style, and are somewhat shocked, and feel that they have missed out over the last seven years. Harry just continues to enhance his roseate hue, starting at a gentle peach but now he is truly flaming. Jenny quite likes the fact that he isn't as brazen as the others. She as quite high hopes for this relationship, newly minted that it is. Chakotay was not the only senior crew to have a member that performed rather spectacularly, and Harry's dedication to duty was quite exemplary. She shifts in her chair and strokes his thigh. This just increases his roseate hue.
Unfortunately, a highly embarrassed Harry, with a dollop of arousal from the presence of a clearly appreciative and interested Jenny, and the topic of conversation, is not a Harry that thinks before he speaks. 'but what about Seven?' falls into the conversation like that rock, the ripples of which are clearly visible through the table. Chakotay frowns, Mike hides a snort of laughter, luckilly B'Elanna doesn't have a batleth and a snuffling Miral distracts her. An irascible chakotay places a glower of nearly the magnitude of a Janeway death stare in his direction, he adds to his likely destruction with, 'well clearly it must of been in working order, Seven would never accept anything that wasn't working with maximum efficiency'. The amsuement and horror combination at this statement is only accentuated by what Harry can't see. The Captain has made it to within audio range, and clearly picked up this incoming, from the speed at which she is now approaching the table.
By a stroke of good fortune all round, Seven is not within the same range, as Tuvok, always the perfect gentleman, has noticed her discomfort with the captain's suggestion of joining her at the over rowdy long table, and instead suggests they breakfast together in a quieter area. She willingly accepts, and here he will offer her the opportunity to come to Vulcan, when the time is right. That although not generally suitable for humans, the kohlinar discipline may be helpful for her, as it has been for B'Elanna. Seven contemplates her surprise at this information, reviewing her interactions with the chief engineer, and realising that although they are, to her mind, still overly emotional, there has been a clear reduction in combustible episodes. She nods her acquiescence. They discuss Vulcan quest for emotional control and Tuvok's company is most acceptable. So much so, that when he gives her advice on the interrelationship between herself and the command team, she realises the logic of his calmly delivered review and decides that she will aim to be as dispassionate.
back on the noisiest table, Tom has kicked Harry, hard. His immediate complaint is stilled by the raspy tones of his Captain, whose head seems to have materialised at his side. He wishes that he perhaps had choked to death on the pain-au chocolat, or that their would be a red alert, or aliens might transport him away. Either way, his heart appears to have stopped beating, and it is hard to draw a breath. 'Harry, this is not a conversation that becomes the senior team in such a public space' all the team at the table have a slightly shameful air about them now 'especially since she inadvertantly misclassified her interactions with the commander due to her innocence in these matters' it doesn't pass notice that this time B'Elanna is kicking Tom to make sure that he doesn't say anything. It may have been misclassified, but neither of them are completely sure it was inadvertant. 'I do not wish Seven to be discomfited by idle gossip on this matter, please allay any crew members concerns on this delicate issue if raised with you'
Having passed her reprimand, she then swings to sit the other side of B'Elanna, who unlatches a now well fed again Miral and plonks her in the Captain arms, whilst Tom busies himself by pouring fresh coffee. She quirks a smile down the table. 'I see that your manual must have been well researched, Tom. Perfect deflection. Chakotay, i hope that you will be reading it?' Chakotay can tell from her smile that his role is to work with her to get the table back to their previous state of relaxation, and with his best dimpled smile, responds 'I prefer a more...hands on... approach to mastering the subject' to a bit of a horrified gasp from probably Jenny, and wide grins from most of the senior crew, he continues with 'would you agree to further...experimentation, obviously with the best of scientific objectives when the...opportunity... arises'. The senior table collapses with this statement. A very blushing Captain just shakes her head with a smile born of some rather wonderful recent experiences coupled with the insane desire to just drag him away right now, and instead talks to Miral, as 'the most sensible member of her crew currently, and the most likely to behave' whilst Chakotay receives high fives from Mike and Tom. Harry whines as to why this is appropriate whilst his comment wasn't, so that both sisters tell him to grow up, it is the subject that is important. B'Elanna and Sam just share big grins, as they are both inordinately happy with the way things have finally turned out.
The conversation settles to a more appropriate line, mostly admiring Miral, and wondering what the docking or landing procedures will be. The mixed ensigns and crew around go back to concentrating on their own conversations about the events of yesterday and the lives they are going to make now home. It has been a surprise to a fair number of them that the command team actually weren't involved at any point before, but no one is anything other than happy for them now. This noisy team of clearly good friends, however disparate they seemed at the start, is what has helped get them all home. That their heroes are also human just makes them more cherished. The general swirl of conversation continues after the senior team leave to go on duty, the captain hugging everyone who stands as she walks past. That would be nearly everyone. Her first officer chivvying her along to her rolled eyes, as they are expecting the Admiral to contact at any moment. She points out Seven and Tuvok are undoubtedly on the bridge, but does make a sharpish exit with a wave.
-0-0-0-
This rather humorous chapter is dedicated to my sister, who was a writer and musician with a great sense of laughter and joy in her life, and had her life tragically cut short by cancer. Each year I try something new that I think she would have laughed at or with me about. For her this year, it is writing fanfic for star trek, which she hated! Missing you, sis, on what would have been your birthday. Always in my thoughts remembering the laughter we shared.
Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - to the victor the blame
Dammit, how can just one conversation turn around my day so much. Damn, damn, damn I mutter with every strike of my boots on the deck.
We had all spilled out onto the bridge, laughing at the cuteness of miral in her engineering gold tucked in the sling, looking forwards to seeing family. Tom was imagining Harry's weight gain after a weekend of apple pie with his parents, and he was retaliating in kind with unlimited pizza and a weigh in challenge is being uploaded to the scuttlebutt. They commiserate with Chakotay until I remind them of my mother's chocolate caramel brownies, that is if he joins my family. There is a general eyeroll. Damnit we are not joined at the hip! I quickly let go of his hand. Seven wasn't on the bridge, Tuvok notified me that she expected me to attend her in astrometrics, we mirrored our eyebrow raises. Seven still doesn't follow command.
Admiral Paris commed and gave the disembarking plan. A landing on the presidio with a light lunch for guests. Crew could then either go home, though there were security concerns, or with family and counsellor availability, avail themselves of a Starfleet private resort, one of the new Hawaiian islands. Just voyager guests and chosen family. All needs catered. He had looked at Tom as he said this, clearly hoping to Tom would go home. When I muttered about Hawaii, I was told that I could break that need to my mother. More laughter and general excitement from the younger bridge crew. After, there was little to do on the bridge, so Chakotay left to organise the crews plans, and I took the time to talk to Tuvok, who would be returning to Vulcan. We were interrupted nearly immediately by Seven's imperious voice requesting my presence. Damn, I should have ignored her. Instead Tuvok informed me that I should not defer this, and left.
And stupidly, in my morning after blissful state, I went. Stupidly not tactically assessing the situation first. Stupidly not realising it would be an emotional court martial. Oh and I understand her, I understand her all too well and my heart goes out to her. And she damn well understands me, and all the buttons worth pressing are centred around abnegation, guilt, atonement. She damn well pressed them all.
So now, now I am damned well stomping back to the bridge. I have been dismissed. Captain's should not be so petty, but my parade is well and truly rained on. I angrily make a detour to the holodeck before going up to the bridge. I guess that they think I will make a grand entrance for the drama of the last day. All I want to do now is sneak in unnoticed, and sit in the ready room nursing a coffee whilst I untangle my head. Instead, I am going to followup a niggling doubt. As expected, when i get to the holodeck and look, i can see that there has been a copy of the whole night's events, and it doesn't surprise me that it is Tom. I make my own copy, and then delete all the recording in the holodeck from the doctor singing onwards. Just another thing to sour my mood further.
'hand it over, Paris' are my opening words as I stride out of the turbolift onto the bridge. He looks surprised, and looking around, I realise that there was going to be some fuss over my arrival. no doubt a damned 'captain on the bridge' I wave my hand. 'I love you all, we got here as family, yep we are home, but I am still the same hard assed captain. Hand it over, Tom, NOW'
The rest of the bridge crew are looking at me, appalled. They have no idea. Grabbing the data ribbon from Tom, I stomp towards my ready room. 'i'll take calls in here, tuvok, you have the bridge, Chakotay, please confirm the crews response to the starfleet disembarquement plan' I don't give him chance to say it is complete. Even as the ready room door closes I can hear them all turning to Chakotay. Damnit, it was annoying enough that they did that when we were just, well, whatever we damn well were. Now we are lovers, oh! I have to pause as that triggers the sensation of his lips on mine. Damnit! Janeway concentrate! Behaving like a fool cadet. I have perhaps 5 seconds before he comes in here, and I better make the most of that time. 'coffee, black', three, two, one and here is the chime.
'Captain?' hmm formal voice noted. i sip my coffee to extract as much strength possible from it before looking up at the concerned eyes of my first officer. ok, i can't do the full captain mode any more, even looking at him triggers my dizzy cadet mood. Guilt or no guilt, my armour is shredded. thank all the delta deities that I didn't do this whilst we were out there. How would I have been so determined. This had better be a short term aberration. instead, I power down from red alert down to yellow. I am ready to be humoured into a better mood, and he better damn well do it.
'commander?' I do like making him work for it still, I wouldn't want him to think he now has carte blanche to hover and mollify me with meaningless platitudes, or perhaps gentle kisses. Janeway! I twitch up my eyebrow, and then watch him wonder what his next move should be, but damnit, I think he has seen something in my eyes, as instead he goes for the full dimple smile at me. 'Kathryn, what is it? were you upset by the informality at breakfast? we can tone it down? or have you had news?' blast it to hell, he does always know how to get me into a better frame of mind. It is hard to stay in this prickly mood when faced with smiles and care.
I stand up from behind my desk and go sit on the couch, patting for Chakotay to sit down. The number of times we have sat here together. 'this is a little awkward, chakotay, and has put me into an unreasonable grouch' he grins at me. 'do you want to be captain and tell me? or Kathryn and then come closer?' eyeing him and starting to smile, I assure him that I Have what I need all ready, after all, I have coffee. at this he shouts a laugh and i find I am much closer than I had planned with him holding my hand. I'm not sure that I can be bothered to remind him we are on duty since we are on our own. I am not sure whether he is going to laugh or... get on with it Janeway!
'I have had an... encounter... with Seven in astrometrics. Well, i had said at breakfast we could discuss the, er, relationship changes later, and her later was efficiently as soon as admiral Paris cut the line' he snorts at that and I notice his arm snakes around my shoulders. 'where she asked her usual damn searching questions to understand her relationship termination.' a pause as we both think about this.
'I'm sorry Kathryn' he murmurs 'spirits, what an f-ing mess I have made' 'we' I counter.
'was it very... difficult?' I turn to face him and shrug. Did he not notice my mood?
I hand him my empty mug, which he obligingly fills with further coffee 'kathryn, you will limit this, when we are living together'
That certainly deserves a low level stare. 'is that a ... command? commander?' he grins, ignoring the signs of danger 'i will just need to provide an ... alternative distraction' I look at him in half horror. 'What have I done!' I whisper 'created a monster!' and my lips twitch with the smile, as I realise that he has suggested we will be living together.
'so, seven?'
'She had asked me last night, before the party, what my feelings were for you, and would be if you both remained a couple. I was honest that I would have done my best to be happy for you, to move on, but it would be hard. I thank everything that I am not going to have to, Chakotay, but I really would have tried. She asked if I would expect the same from her, as she wasn't sure that she could do this. I said I hoped that would be the case, and then she launched into a diatribe on my insensitivity to her needs, jealously taking you away, limiting her opportunity to embrace humanity - you presumably. That she felt anger and betrayal as well as shock at my disappointing behavior. That by limiting this opportunity to explore sexuality by my selfishness, I had lost her good opinion. She dressed me down Chakotay!. The doctor, apparently, removed one of her borg implants to allow her to feel emotion more fully, for you, Chakotay.' I feel him stiffen, but carry on 'last night she was hoping to engage in ... a more physical relationship..., as she thought you would be skilled and considerate - her very words before determining your compatability now her choices were expanded in the alpha quadrant.'
'she said copulation didn't she Kathryn' I snort.
'not then, Chakotay, she used the word later when she asked me if copulation with you had occurred and been satisfactory. I damned nearly lost my temper at the question. Instead, I told her that physical relationships were considered private, and not usually discussed so dispassionately.'
'and was it'
'was what?' damn but I think nuzzling around my ear is probably crossing the line, it is certainly affecting my ability to think
'satisfactory' and the damn man smirks at me. i get up swiftly and sit myself back down behind my desk. 'That's enough Chakotay! I'm bringing us back to order' and he shrugs, 'later then' and grins more widely at my heated flush.
'she did offer a surprise apology. She meant me to believe that you had been intimate, and had hoped that would stop this' I gesture between us 'she apparently always knew of our feelings, but had supposed that we wouldn't act on them. She had assumed that as long as we were in the delta quadrant that if you er...' 'copulated' he adds helpfully 'that you would be committed to her' he nods, we both know that this would likely be the case 'and that I wouldn't interfere, she has noted my 'inefficient predilection for self sacrifice' for others happiness' a smile ruefully at the accuracy 'so this was her attempt to dissuade me from interrupting your pairbond' I am nearly quoting.
'of course, I was trying very hard to empathise rather than shout at the deception, after all, I felt the shock when she announced your relationship, my heart broke, Chakotay' he has lost his smile again 'i know, kathryn, I...'
'sorry' I bite my lip 'i did and do understand, and I don't want us to keep circling around this. I was just trying to say I might understand how hearing about our relationship would make her feel. However, she told me that emotions were irrelevant. She was more concerned about her loss of stature with the crew, and the disruption to her familiar relationships as we entered the alpha quadrant. She had previously stated her anxiety about returning to the alpha quadrant, and she did not wish to be without her current collective. I did attempt to reassure her that we would be still all spending significant time together, and that I would always have time for her. however, she is more logical than that, and explained all the occasions that this would not occur.' I sigh, 'chakotay, we do need to make sure that all our crew, but particularly those like Seven have our full support for as long as it is required'
chakotay surprises me by his silence, and when I look at him, I realise that Seven's words have the power to hurt him, he was ready to transfer his love and devotion to her, and she admitted no reciprocal emotion to me.
'chakotay, I am sure that she did or does have feelings for you, she is just... Seven. I am not the right person for her to discuss this with. She did say that she chose you for your attractive qualities, the esteem that I and the crew held you in, your ability to enhance her exploration of her humanity and her understanding that just as you had never pushed me, that you would not push her in the development of the relationship. I had to agree that she showed excellent judgement ' and as his smirk starts to reappear, I cannot help remembering that she added that she felt his sense of humour was on occasion unacceptable, and that he had an irrational tendency to clutch at superstition. She would not miss adapting to this. I think I will delay telling Chakotay this though. I also won't ask again what he was thinking. I am amazed that this relationship went anywhere in the Delta quadrant even. A lonely man and an ex Borg desperate to feel.
'chakotay, she said she had disregarded me as I rival as well because, because I am too old. That I couldn't compare to her youth and beauty. My best years were behind me!' I don't mean to grind this out, it shouldn't bother me so much. But I feel old now. I am less beautiful.' Even I know that I am being ridiculous, jealous of her youth.
'Kathryn, love, you have always been beautiful, and you always will be, but love, our love, isn't about age or appearance. Is it? It is about who we are, the connection we share, dammit I love you for your fire and spirit. For you.!' he has both my hands in his,and his eyes, so full of love and sincerity that I curse myself for foolishness. 'i know, really, but... Well she is damned Borg perfection! Even I didn't really think I could be a rival, I nearly determined just to let go rather than be humiliated!' he kisses my forehead and I regain my sense of humour.
'thank the spirits for Janeway pigheaded stubbornness' I give a shout of laughter and agree.
'and then she asked about our 'copulation', that she had thought that one should have a significant number of dates to confirm compatibility before copulation was permissible if one planned to have a stable relationship rather than to just relinquish one's higher cognitive function to baser needs.' at that Chakotay roars with laughter. 'Hence your mood Kathryn! Don't worry, seven years of dates should count, if her opinion on this matters to you.'
I let him think that last sentence a while longer.
'kathryn? you think who else might be thinking that? the crew? the admiralty? your family? me?' and there you have it. damnit. the spectacular about turn of my mood. 'kathryn' and he is perched on the desk, taking my hand in his. 'is this what has upset you? and the damned jokes at breakfast? i love you, I see that we have had a seven year courtship, even if there are a few... detours and glitches on the way. Last night was perfect, wonderful. I can't believe you care this much about what others think'
'not others' i force out 'our crew, our voyager family. I realise that I want them to not... think less of us, cheapen what this means for us.'
'oh Kathryn' and he strokes my face 'half of the crew last night couldn't believe that we hadn't been a couple, if discreet, for most of the journey, they have all known of my feelings for you, and given last nights outpouring of love, i am damn sure that they knew your love for me. Didn't you see how happy they were for us in the mess? I am sure Seven is fairly unique in her viewpoint, that damned doctors socialisation programme.'.I hear Chakotay subvocalising threats and i have to buck up. Clearly I also have some issues of confidence too.
'this, us, means everything to me Chakotay, I don't want it to feel cheap, or tawdry or anything else than the pure expression of love long cherished '
'then, so be it Kathryn. Where we lead, they will follow and be truly happy for us, as they always have been. And where does Paris come into this?'
'oh, well' and i feel a bit shamefaced about this now 'he took a holo of the *whole* party and I was feeling a bit... exposed... about my er dancing and then our...' and I tail off.
'stand up Kathryn and come here, front and centre!'
A passionate kiss of affirmation later and we are walking out to an absolutely silent bridge.
i put my hand up ' I apologise, I have been somewhat hasty in my temper today. No, Tom, you can't have it back. Senior team to the briefing room.' I don't invite Seven, I know her opinion.
when we are there, I ask their honest opinion of the new relationship between myself and the commander. 'If there are any objections or concerns I want to hear them now.' Chakotay smiles 'not that I am going to brook any interference, not after all this time' I drawl. I might as well be absolutely clear.
Tuvok is first to speak 'I am very glad for you, Captain. I wish you health and prosperity together. Mr Chakotay is an excellent choice for life partner as he has been for first officer.' he turns to Chakotay 'I expect you to continue to perform all duties to the best of your ability' and is then quiet. I am not sure whether to be shocked or giggle. Does he mean all the implications? A small quirk suggests that he does indeed. 'thankyou Tuvok, your approval is important to me' manages to come out without a squeak. Harry and Tom talk over themselves to give their approval. B'elanna jumps straight in, wondering why it is anyone else's business. the whole crew is ecstatic, and why would we think that there is a damned prob... its Seven isn't it. Ah yes, B'elanna sees straight to the heart of it.
I am grateful for all their opinions, and the senior crew promise to review what the crew thinks, but suggest I assume that they are all glad to see us happy. I remind them, B'Elanna in particular, that seven does have a right to feel uncomfortable, and I expect all the senior team to keep that thought uppermost and help her acclimatise. 'adapt' B'Elanna snorts, loud enough for me to notice.
I find that Chakotay and I are holding hands. 'resistance is futile' he murmurs to me, and we take our place back on the bridge in time for Admiral Paris's final hail. It is time to bring this ship home.
-0-0-0-
this chapter perhaps mostly written as I think there would be some seven fallout. She is pretty direct.
Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - we have touchdown
We are preparing for the final landing. Kathryn has ordered a supercilious yet truculent Seven back onto the bridge as well as Sam and Naomi and Icheb. There is a certain flounce as she answers orders that borders on insubordination. I remember it has always been like this but, for a while, I forgot. I can't meet the challenge in Seven's eyes, and she is at her most iciliy civil. A nod and 'commander' I smile ruefully as I aknowledge 'seven '
However, flanked by Sam and Naomi, with Icheb directed by the captain to be close I can see that Kathryn is still trying to comfort her. Naomi's chatter should bring about a thaw. I have a grin for Naomi and a whisper that I am glad she gets to see the captain land voyager home. ' I am the captain's assistant' she grins back. She the chatters to Seven about all the things they might see on earth and I can hear her responding in clipped tones currently.
Damn but I am struggling to contain my unfair anger. Kathryn and I did make a tangled mess, but Seven needn't have been quite so harsh a judge, and that judgement should have been delivered to me, the mess, the lack of honesty with myself as well as Seven and Kathryn, these things are mine to own. The doctor's silent treatment as I redid my boosters was much easier.
With all three shifts present on the bridge it is a tight fit! Who, though, would want to miss this moment. As always the captain is on form, making connection with all the crew present, running through what could be considered a prime list of favoured mannerisms. Her hands alternately take flight like independent birds whilst emphasising a point, or poise ready at her hips. This captain is ready, they proclaim. She alternates striding with almost skipping from one station to another. Her low voices creates intimacy, She does the casual touch to arm, shoulder as she gazes in their eyes, creating a space within space where she connects only with you. Then she is off talking to the room in imperious command tones. I could watch her forever. I have watched her forever. I have watched all the variants of her smile and been drawn in to the intimacy of her eyes.
When I drag my eyes from her, I see Naomi mimicking many of the gestures. The adored captains assistant is well practiced. my eyes gravitate back to her, and this time her eyes are fastened on me, I cannot help but smile and walk towards her. She grins and fussed straightening my perfectly positioned rank bar. An overt demonstration of ownership. I just smile. I have waited seven years to be so publicly owned.
Tom is joking that he will fly under the golden gate bridge. Kathryn says he can make it as showy as he damn pleases, but don't crash! I wait for the inevitable jokes at a my expense, and am not disappointed. With so many people on the bridge there is a wide knowledge of my shuttle crashes. She has Harry warn Paris to give us some space for aerobatic prowess.
B'e is making a last minute fuss with to the engineering station I make a quip about how we could make a bid for a maquis mutiny and just fly her somewhere more peaceful. B'e eyes me from under a frown and snorts. It is tempting. Despite all the promises, and the fact we both have a new family to join, we both also have unresolved issues with starfleet and our place here in the alpha quadrant. ' always my sisrer, B'e, and always there for you.' I can't help a grin ' they have no idea what is about to hit them! It is starfleet that will have to adapt' we share a smile and I give Miral a kiss on her downy head, just visible over the sling. Another grin, this time for an imaginary dark haired baby peering from command red.
It drives me to look at my Captain, standing so proud and confident already moving past Seven's extraordinarily thoughtless words. My fault. Well, let's put the smile back on her face and the sauce in her step. After all, the recording will only begin when Admiral Paris comes back to us to give the order. I stand up next to her and take her hand left hand to left hand, palm to Palm smiling as she bites her lower lip but still brings her hand to my heart. ' Chakotay' warningly. ' I just wanted to thank you once more for bringing me safely home.' the cheers start again and she is blushing. 'May I?' she looks quizzically at me . ' Well, I think Harry stole my thunder before, and I would like to set the record straight' the crew cheer more so I lean in and whisper ' I had a wish for the moment,one that I should have played when we arrived in the alpha quadrant. Trust me?' she breaks away 'Commander' and I gently tilt her chin with my free hand and press a chaste kiss to her lips ' I love you, Kathryn Janeway' and then as I feel her relax, laugh at the freedom of it all. ' I have always loved you, Chakotay.' And we break apart to formal positions.
To schedule, Harry takes the comm from the Admiral. 'On screen' I ask, and we all receive Voyagers final order. time to take her down.
'prepare for code blue lieutenant B'Elanna Paris torres' to be honest, I hadn't known that they had merged surnames. Clearly something for the alpha quadrant.
'warp core offline and nacelles vented, captain'
'Commander Chakotay, all power to atmospheric thrusters and confirm code blue throughout the ship'
'Power transferred Captain, ships crew at stations, ready'
'Lieutenant commander Tuvok, landing struts online, internal dampers at maximum' 'complete, Captain'
'lieutenant Tom Torres Paris, take us down' hearing that, I think they may need to rethink the surname! I try not to smirk, this is being recorded so we all have our command mask on and ramrod straight stance.
'yes ma'am' And we all know how hard she must have worked to not bite back or eye roll. It is crunch time!
She betrays a slight smile as Tom swoops and circles starfleet, flashing the running lights before a perfect landing on the presidio. 'excellent landing lieutenant. Message to all hands, proceed to the shuttle bay for disembarquement. We have arrived.'
There is a muted cheer from the bridge, cognisant of the billions of watching eyes. The beta and gamma teams file or first and then the alpha teams with Icheb and Naomi. Kathryn is still at her seat, gazing at the view screen.
'Are you With me? Captain' I ask, with all her inflexion, holding out my hand
she smiles 'always, commander!'
And after the search light beam of her joy has warmed me, it is directed at Icheb, waiting at the turbolift. She takes my hand as she stands and the as we approach the lift, offers her other hand to Icheb. 'Welcome home, son' as he responds to her grin I realise that to all practical purposes he is my son too. I clasp his shoulder and Kathryn draws us all into a hug. 'Our family!' Icheb and I eye each other as we descend, Kathryn linking us together. I see his studied neutral face and think of Seven, that I haven't tried to make a connection with this young man, I am ashamed. ' in all the craziness, let us find time for each other, Icheb. Your mother links us now, but I would like us to make our own connection.' He nods seriously. Kathryn kisses us both on the cheek and says how happy she is to be able to take 'her boys' home, and that we should 'be prepared' but just laughs when I ask what for. So a wry smirk at each other becomes our first bonding moment, and I am sure we are both thinking we will need a male ally in this matriarchal clan of Janeways.
as we stride into the shuttle nay, it is the reverse of the 37's planet. All our crew are here, all cheering. Harry has even rigged up the holo projectors for more confetti. Spirits but we have cheered ourselves hoarse these past 24 hours. And Kathryn adores confetti, it makes her skip and dance like a child. The crew are t just happy to be home, they are happy to cheer and applaud this captain we would all have died for, who instead saved us.
on opening the shuttle bay doors, the cheers inside are a logarithmic scale away from the roar that comes in. We are all silent, shocked. Tom quips that at least they are not hirogen, even if we feel like prey. It was just the thing for Kathryn to regroup. Smiling and waving she leads us out. I murmur 'welcome to the rest of our lives' and then we stand proud, breathing the earths atmosphere and knowing those we also love are out there waiting.
We are home.