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For once, Luke had a home. Not the barracks of Camp Pendleton where the claustrophobic rooms smelled musty and the walls were white and bare, the beds uncomfortable. Not the guest room of his best friend, Frankie’s house, which seemed too suburban and lively for a guy like Luke to be staying in. Not even his childhood home, where he watched his mother succumb to cancer and himself to drugs while he pushed away the rest of his family.
Not even the third floor apartment of the Oceanside Complex, where he spent months confined as he was recovering from his leg injury he sustained in Iraq. No, his home was Cassie Salazar. Musician, feminist badass, breakfast taco enthusiast. Crazy to think, just a year ago, they hated each other and married just for the benefits—no one would have thought that the benefits now would include love. Look at them now, disgustingly in love.
Perhaps the first time he felt that Cassie could be his home was when she offered to help bathe him when his leg was still healing last year. He hesitated prior, but gave in, realizing he couldn’t do it alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her to see him naked—she’d seen him naked before, traced every inch of him in a different context. But there was something much more vulnerable about having someone bathe you. Cassie didn’t have to do that, she wanted to. And for that, Luke was grateful.
Luke’s life was finally headed in the right direction: two and a half years sober, reconnected with his dad and brother, and found true love. But he couldn’t help but think he didn’t deserve any of it. That guys like him didn’t deserve to be happy. He believed he was supposed to suffer. Maybe he was scared. That he was going to fuck things up eventually, like he has since his mother’s death.
Most nights, he slept soundly beside Cassie. Her mere presence was enough to comfort him, to make him feel loved, knowing that his heart lay beside him. But other nights, his brain was unkind to him. All he could think of these nights were that he was no good for Cassie, that he would always be a fuck up, that it was only a matter of time before Cassie returned to her senses and left his ass.
Tonight was one of those nights.
His thoughts kept racing, competing for the worst one to make him break. He let out a low groan and rolled over to look at Cassie, who was facing him, sleeping soundly. Her mouth was slightly agape, her breathing steady. The corners of his mouth turned slightly upward, a stray thought about how beautiful she was, even in a state of slumber, invaded his mind.
Luke touched his lips to Cassie’s cheek, causing her to stir. He peeled the sheets off him and got out of bed, careful that the motion didn’t wake her. As much as he wanted to stay in bed and watch Cassie sleep, he knew he needed to clear his head.
Luke figured he’d do what he always did when his thoughts were too stubborn to stop, when he was feeling overwhelmed in his own brain, his own body.
He stepped out into the cool California air in a grey hoodie that Cassie had claimed as hers, his basketball shorts that he slept in, and running shoes Cassie had gifted him when he told her his leg had healed enough for him to be able to run again. And, he went for a run as far as his legs would take him.
***
Luke woke up on the couch, with Cassie’s face over his, her hair tickling his cheeks.
“Oh, good,” Cassie breathed. “You’re awake. You sleep like a rock.”
“Morning,” Luke managed to say, his eyes still adjusting to the brightness of the apartment. He reached his hand out to stroke Cassie’s cheek.
“What are you doing on the couch?” Cassie asked. She frowned. “You were in bed with me last night.”
“Oh, uh…” Luke’s hand stayed on Cassie’s cheek, her own hand lifting to cover his. “I couldn’t sleep last night. So I went for a run. I guess it worked? I got back and I just fell asleep on the couch.”
Cassie motioned for Luke to sit up, so she could join him on the couch. She took his arm and draped it around her shoulder, intertwining her fingers with his. She brushed her lips against his knuckles. “You okay?”
Luke pursed his lips and nodded, leaning his head on hers.
“You wanna talk about it?” Cassie offered.
Luke took a deep breath before responding, “No.”
Cassie nodded. “Well, you know I’m always here.”
“I do,” Luke confirmed. “I just—”
“No need to explain,” Cassie said. “I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready to talk. I get that feelings aren’t an easy thing for you to talk about.”
“Yeah,” Luke chuckled softly. “Blame my dad.”
“Speaking of your dad, we have to be at his place in an hour. Oh, and we have to pick up my mom on the way,” Cassie said. She stood up and faced him, placing her hands on her hips.
“Do we have to?” Luke pouted.
“Yes, we have to pick up my mom.”
“No, I mean, do we even have to go at all?”
“Yes, Luke. It’s the least we can do,” Cassie said. “They want to celebrate with us because they weren’t even invited to the wedding.”
“Well, the circumstances were different then and it was all very abrupt,” Luke pointed out.
“I know,” Cassie nodded. “It’s either this or we get married again.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“No, but we’re already married. So what’s the point? Check back in ten years and we can renew our vows or something,” Cassie shrugged.
“Fine. I’ll get ready.”
“Happy anniversary, babe,” Cassie said with a smile.
***
“One year down,” Hailey mused, nudging Luke as they sat beside each other at the picnic table, waiting for food to be ready. Luke’s father, Jacob, had insisted on throwing Luke and Cassie a little barbecue to celebrate the occasion of their first wedding anniversary.
“Forever to go,” Cassie smiled from across the table, her fingernails tapping on the wooden surface. Luke gave her a closed lipped smile and reached out to cover her hand with his.
“You guys are so in love,” Hailey sighed.
“Only after I realized he wasn’t such a dick,” Cassie teased.
“Oh, yeah, he definitely can be,” Hailey agreed.
“Hey, I’m right here,” Luke said. He rolled his eyes. “Go on, keep talking about me. I’m going to go play with Spencer and Jake.”
Luke got up from his spot at the table, walking over to his brother and nephew, who were throwing around a football. On the way, he passed his mother-in-law, Marisol, carrying plates and utensils to set the table.
“Marisol, do you need any help?” Luke offered.
“I told you to call me Mom,” Marisol said. “And no, that’s okay. Let me. It’s the least I can do since your father’s the one hosting.”
Luke let out a soft chuckle, “Right. Mom.”
This elicits a smile from Marisol, who replied, “Thank you for being so good to my Cassie. I’m so glad you two met. I’ve never seen her this happy.”
Luke glanced over at Cassie, who’s throwing her head back in laughter with his sister-in-law. Cassie caught Luke staring, giving him a smile that he loved so much. The smile that made his heart backflip in his chest.
“She’s happy?” Luke asked.
“Of course she is,” Marisol chuckled before walking over to the table.
When lunch was ready, they all sat themselves at the table, stuffing their faces with burgers and hotdogs that Jacob had made. Even Peaches, Luke and Cassie’s golden retriever, had a couple hotdogs under the table thanks to Spencer.
“To Luke and Cassie,” Jacob held up a bottle of beer.
“I never thought my brother would find love,” Jake clapped Luke’s shoulder with a smirk. He also raised his beer. “You would’ve loved my wedding speech.”
“Would’ve been super embarrassing, yeah?” Luke said.
“Of course, it’s my job,” Jake confirmed.
“It’s okay,” Cassie piped up. She winked at Jake. “You can tell me embarrassing stories about him later.”
“I’m surprised he hasn’t already,” Luke muttered.
They all held up their beer bottles, Spencer with a box of apple juice.
“Happy anniversary, Uncle Luke and Auntie Cassie!” Spencer said before sipping his juice.
“Happy anniversary,” the rest of them chimed in.
Luke couldn’t help but notice Cassie’s hand as she gripped her drink. She loved to wear statement rings, wearing multiple on each hand, varying sizes. He noticed that there was one ring that stood out, a sore thumb among the others: the makeshift wedding ring he made her. He felt his stomach churn and suddenly, he lost his appetite.
***
“Cassie, why are you so okay with that dog tag ring?” Luke asked once they got home from the barbecue. “I’ve offered time and time again to get you a real ring. But you always refuse. Why is that?”
Cassie chuckled and looked down at her ring finger, where the aforementioned dog tag ring wrapped around her finger. She dropped her purse on the console table by the front door. “This means more to me than some fancy ring, Luke. I promise it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay,” Luke said sternly, standing in front of Cassie. “You deserve so much more than that piece of crap.”
“It’s not a piece of crap,” Cassie countered.
“Yes, it is,” Luke replied. He looked down as he held his hands, twisting his wedding band, a habit he quickly formed since getting married. “Just like the person who gave it to you.”
“Luke.” Cassie placed her index finger under his chin, tilting his head up to look her in the eyes.
“What?”
“Where is this coming from? Why are you talking like this?” Cassie furrowed her brows.
“Tell me something.” Luke swallowed.
“Of course,” Cassie replied softly, taking his hands into hers.
“Do you love me?” His voice was shaky.
“An easy yes,” Cassie answered without missing a beat. She tilted her head. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“I figured that much,” Cassie let out a breath. “You weren’t acting like yourself at your dad’s.”
“I told you I wasn’t up for it,” Luke said.
Cassie led Luke to the couch, where they sat in silence. She stroked his forearm, an attempt to comfort him. Luke was thankful that Cassie never pressed him too much whenever he wasn’t feeling himself.
Cassie rested her head in the crevice between Luke’s shoulder and neck. Luke reached for her hand and squeezed it gently.
Since getting sober, Luke had changed his opinions on a lot of things. Like about crying, for instance. He used to believe that crying showed weakness, and that any signs of weakness were never to be shown. Ever. He realized now, that his toxic view on things was the result of his father’s parenting. He also realized that tears were now escaping his eyes, streaming slowly down his cheeks. He felt his throat tighten. He hiccupped.
“Why are you crying?” Cassie asked, cupping his face in her hands. Her thumbs wiped away his tears.
“I’m a fuck up, Cassie,” Luke managed to say through muffled sobs. “You knew that when you met me.”
Cassie wrapped her arms around him, pulling him to her chest.
“I did. But you aren’t anymore,” Cassie assured him, kissing the top of his head.
“I just don’t think I can do this,” Luke looked up at her shimmering eyes from the dampness of his tears. Softer, he continued, “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.”
Cassie’s mouth began to quiver. She almost couldn’t get out her next words. “What are you trying to say?”
“Everything in my life has always gone to shit,” Luke tried to explain, taking a deep breath. “Things may be good right now, but there’s no telling what I’ll do to fuck it up again. Maybe I’ll relapse, I don’t know.”
“You’re not going to relapse.” Cassie continued to stroke Luke’s hair.
“You don’t know that.”
“And neither do you,” Cassie spat back, holding his head so that he was staring directly into her chocolate brown eyes. “Don’t sell yourself short, Luke. You’re worth so much more than you know.”
“But what if I’m not?” Luke asked sincerely, his chest hurting at the thought.
“Life’s about taking risks,” Cassie said softly. “Being in love with you was a huge risk for me. And look where it’s taken us. Pretty good, I think, yeah?”
Luke nodded hesitantly.
“And I’m here to help you through whatever you’re going through,” Cassie continued, steadying Luke’s face in her hands. “For better or for worse, right?”
“Yeah.” Luke covered Cassie’s hand, his fingers grazing over her wedding ring.
“I told you I’m fine with the ring,” Cassie said, peeling her hand off his face. “Promise.”
“Okay.”
“You deserve the best,” Cassie whispered. “You deserve the entire world.”
“But aren’t you disappointed in me?”
“Disappointed in you? Why would I be disappointed in you?” Cassie said, furrowing her brows. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re just overthinking things, and that’s okay.”
“But it’s true. I disappoint everybody,” Luke said. “I was a damn drug addict and that ruined my relationship with everybody I’ve ever loved.”
Cassie sighed. She took a second to reply. “See, that’s the key word: was. You’ve been sober for years. You and your dad and brother are getting along again. You opened yourself up to love. You opened yourself up to me.”
“You’re so easy to love,” Luke whispered. “I’m so lucky to be loved by you.”
Cassie answered by crashing her lips onto his, pushing him so that he was laying down on the couch, her on top of him, their lips not once detaching. As Luke slipped his tongue into her mouth, one hand reached under her dress to grab her breast, the other hand resting on her waist. Cassie moaned into his mouth at the touch.
Luke pouted when Cassie pulled away. She then lowered herself until her face reached his stomach, her hands fumbling with the buttons on his jeans. Luke grunted, frustrated at how much he wanted her.
“Is this okay?” Cassie looked up at him, her hands gripping the waistband of his jeans.
Luke nodded. Cassie kissed the exposed skin of his lower stomach.
“Good, because you deserve this,” Cassie said. Once she unzipped his pants, Luke lifted his hips and helped her pull off the piece of clothing along with his boxers to expose him.
Luke breathed deeply, as he watched Cassie grip him firmly with both hands. She wrapped her mouth around him as she kept eye contact. Luke groaned. He was never going to get used to how good her mouth felt.
As Cassie bobbed her head, Luke grabbed her hair and pushed her head further down on him. His mouth slightly agape as the warmth of her mouth surrounded him.
“That feels so good,” Luke managed to say. He let out an almost inaudible whimper when Cassie’s mouth released him. She raised herself to give Luke an open-mouthed kiss, sliding her tongue into his mouth as one hand remained stroking him and the other on his face.
Luke sat up, wrapping Cassie’s legs around his waist. Then he stood up, his hands on his back to steady her, as they kissed. He led them to the bedroom, dropping Cassie carefully on the bed. She caught her breath as he hovered over her, noticing the hunger in each other’s eyes.
“Happy anniversary,” Luke said breathily, before looping his fingers on her panties and sliding them off.
Cassie grabbed his face and pulled him to her, their lips connecting once again. Luke’s hand trailed down her body, until it rested between her thighs, poking her folds to ensure that she was ready for him. Without detaching his lips from hers, he used his hand to guide himself to her entrance. He pushed against her in request, to which she nodded as they continued to kiss. Luke thrust into her fully, until the length of him was inside her. She gasped when he slid out, then back in. When he was certain Cassie was comfortable by the consistency of her moans, he quickened his pace, moving his mouth to suck on her neck.
“Oh my god,” Cassie mumbled, her hands gripping Luke’s back, pulling his body flush against hers in urgency.
With one final thrust, Luke released himself into Cassie. He pulled out and laid beside her, trying to catch his breath.
“Honestly,” Cassie said, turning onto her side to look at Luke. “This is better than a new ring.”