Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Title: Everything
Summary: Post-Lifeline story (Mac/Harm)
Notes: How many Lifeline fics do you guys think are out there? Think there are already too many? Eh. Regardless, here's another =) Anyway. I was watching the famous kiss scene the other night, and I saw something I've never noticed before – after the kiss, when Mac tells Harm they're getting too good at saying goodbye, she squeezes his shoulder, and he covers her hand with his, and something about that moment just hurt my heart. I had planned on making this a one-shot, but then I kept thinking about it, and it kept growing, and well… here we are.
You are the strength,
That keeps me walking.
You are the hope,
That keeps me trusting.
You are the light,
To my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything
How can I stand here with you,
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me,
How could it be,
Any better than this?
-Everything; Lifehouse
Part One – Harm
I didn't want to go to the party tonight, and I was ready to leave as soon as I got there. And now that I'm home, I just want to be back on that front porch with Sarah MacKenzie in my arms. My apartment is too quiet; lonely. Her scent lingering on my jacket isn't helping and I pull the coat off and toss it on the floor. But the scent is still there, and I realize it's on me, and I think back to the memory of her body pressed against mine. I begin to unbutton the shirt while walking to my bedroom, and toss that in the hamper as well as my undershirt and pants. I dig around for a pair of pajama pants and shuffle back to the kitchen, desperately needing a drink.
I pour two fingers of whisky into a glass, and I think about her as I take a sip. I think about her dark eyes and her soft skin and her full lips, and how those lips felt pressed against my own. Memories of her are more intoxicating than the drink, so I take another sip, and then one more for good measure. But it's not good. Regardless of how much liquor is flowing through my bloodstream, I can't forget the intensity of what we shared tonight.
It wasn't the kiss that wrecked me, although the it was by far the most intense of my life. It was her hand on my shoulder before she went back inside. We had done something monumentally stupid, but instead of ignoring what just happened and hurrying back to her fiancé and my girlfriend, she told me we're getting too good at saying goodbye and squeezed my shoulder. And I was so desperate to touch her again - in whatever way I could - I immediately covered her hand with mine.
And I know it sounds crazy, but in some ways that gesture feels more intimate than the kiss. It felt… familiar. Comfortable. It made me think of early mornings sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, and her saying a quick goodbye before running an errand. Or her getting my attention to ask about a bill or dinner plans or an appointment for the baby I promised her. The kiss was so desperate – it was a once in a lifetime kind of kiss; but her hand on my shoulder and my hand on hers was the kind of touch we would have shared thousands of times throughout a life together if things had gone differently. And that's what I'm obsessing about – the life we could have shared if I hadn't turned her down in Australia, or if she hadn't rushed into Brumby's arms.
There's a knock on the door and it startles me out of my thoughts. Renee and I didn't end things on a great note tonight, and I imagine she's come by to yell at me. She gave me the silent treatment the whole drive home, and slammed the car door and stormed off before I could even put the car into park. I don't know what she knows about tonight. I'm not sure if she saw us, or if Mac's scent all over me put ideas into her head, but she's mad as hell, and I can't say that I blame her. I know I need to end things, and I will. If that's her, I'll go ahead and rip the band aid off. But when I open the door, it isn't her. It's Mac.
She's wearing the same dress she had on earlier, but she looks nervous, and I don't say anything as I open the door wider. She looks me over and her tongue moves over lower lip. I realize I'm not wearing a shirt, but I don't make any moves to go put one on. She walks into the apartment and begins to pace, and I watch her in silence. She's so beautiful; she may be a Marine, but she moves with the grace of a ballerina. She finally stops moving and turns to face me, and I notice her eye makeup is smudged, and her hair is unkempt.
"What's the matter?"
She snorts, and shakes her head. "Are you really asking me that?"
I shrug and she laughs, but it isn't a happy sound. She starts to wring her hands, and I want to reach out and stop her, but I know I can't touch her right now – it would break me. But then she stops and holds up her left hand, and I feel like I might pass out. The ring is gone. That stupid diamond that has mocked me for the past year is finally gone, and I look up to meet her eyes.
"You kissed me, Harm. At my engagement party, and I-"
I frown and shake my head. "You kissed me first, Mac." I wince at how that sounded – like I was complaining, or like I had a problem with it.
"I know that," she snaps. And then she swallows hard and wraps her arms around her middle. "But you turned up the heat. You kissed me like… God, Harm..."
"I'm sorry," I say and she moves further away, keeping me from touching her. "Mac…"
She shakes her head again, and the sadness is instantly replaced with anger and frustration. "No. No. I need you to tell me how you feel about me – about us. Right now. You have to tell me." She drops her arms to her side and looks up at me. There's fire in her eyes, and I absolutely love it. "I don't think you've ever kissed anyone the way you kissed me tonight, and I… I dare you to tell me otherwise."
I step closer to her, and she steps back. I open my mouth to tell her to watch out for the coffee table, but she back into it, and loses her balance. I reach out to steady her, my hands going to each side of her waist. She sucks in a deep breath, and I know I should let go, but I can't. "I have never, ever kissed anyone the way I kissed you tonight." Her eyes darken, and my hands grip her tighter. "And I don't think you have either." She shakes her head, but her eyes never leave mine. I loosen my grip, but keep my hands where they are. "And you know how I feel about you."
"I need you to say it." She holds her head high, and I feel a rush of admiration for this woman. She's so different than the woman I met in that rose garden, or even the woman who put everything on the line on that ferry. She's strong, and confident, and brave, and I know she's not going to leave my apartment until I tell her exactly how I feel. Her eyes narrow, and I know she's taken my silence for cowardice, and she puts her hands against my chest and tries to me away. But for the second time that night, her hands on me is my undoing. I place my hands over hers, and hold them tightly. She's not pushing me away, or backing away. It might take all goddamned night, but she's not going to run this time. She's going to wait while I attempt to put my feelings into words.
"You know how I feel, Mac. And you also know that I'm not good at this part." I move my thumbs over her hands and try to smile.
She shakes her head and bites her lower lip. "That's not good enough; I need words, Harm. Please."
I can't bring myself to tell her that I love her. I do. Of course, I do. And I have for a very long time. But the words don't come, and I find myself starting to panic. I move my hand to her face, and let out a breath when her eyes flutter closed. My fingers move over her skin, relishing in the velvety texture. "I've never said the words – not to anyone besides mom and grams." Her eyes open, and my fingers still. "And I feel like if I say it now, I'm only doing it because it's what you want to hear, and I don't want the first time I say them to be like this." I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and let my hand rest on her neck. "But Mac, you're – you're everything. And I want this, I want us. I want you." She's quiet for too long, and I think I'll die if I don't kiss her soon. "What do you want?"
"I broke up with Mic," she says softly.
I let out a breath, and I smile. God, those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard. "I'll break up with Renee. First thing tomorrow."
She nods, and then she gently pushes me away. My hand drops to my side, and I can't help but frown. "What's wrong?'
"Nothing." She moves away from me, and heads to the front door. I grab her hand and bring her to a stop. She turns to face me, and lets out a soft sigh. "I don't regret tonight, Harm. Any of it. But we were stupid, and you know we were." I frown and she shrugs. "I just don't want us to start – to really start, like this. Not while you still have a girlfriend across town." She's right. I absolutely hate to admit it, but she's right. Renee deserves more, and Mac definitely does. I nod and she gives me a small smile, before reaching up to kiss my cheek. "I'll be waiting."
And before I can say or do anything else, she's gone.
End Part One