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JP: Right, it's recording so -- so we can begin. Session 31. Tony, if you could say something to see how it's recording you --
TB: Certainly. Is this fine?
JP: Yes, yes, looks to be -- Gordon, if you don't mind..
GB: [dismissive grunting noise]
JP: Well, I guess we ought to begin.
GB: John, how many Psychology courses did you say you'd taken?
JP: Strictly speaking none --
GB: None?
JP: -- but I've read tons of books. And, well, I'm still married, aren't I?
GB: Which books have you read?
TB: Do you always have to question everything, Gordon? John's a people person, he just knows things.
JP: Exactly, thank you, Tony. Now, let's - let us begin. When was the last time you told each other 'I love you'?
TB: Last Wednesday, at the meeting before PMQs.
JP: Gordon?
GB: Can't remember.
TB: He's always been like this, just always --
GB: I've got more important things to remember.
TB: Right, sure, because I'm not at all busy running the country or anything.
GB: If you can find the time to memorise every single thing you've said to people--
TB: Not to people. To you.
GB: Prescott's not even a qualified professional, Tony, you don't have to be the star pupil to please him --
JP: Right, let's just pause there for a moment. Gordon, we have had this conversation before. Communication is - and will forever be - the key. Vocalisation is a part of communication --
TB: Yes, thank you.
JP: -- and communication remains your real problem.
TB: I tell him this all the time.
GB: So why do you never say what you mean?
TB: I always say what I mean.
GB: So when you asked me about the national interest rates and I answered, you actually wanted to know about how they would affect the policy Peter was working on and then you came back whining how the information I gave you was no use to Peter and I said, then you should have asked for it, and you said you did when you most certainly did not.
TB: Now who's memorising who said and what. Can we move past that?
JP: I think -- I mean, it's not just communication. Communication is what you need to build trust. That's why it's important.
GB: And where is that from?
JP: I think it was from How To Keep A Guy For 100 Days And More.
GB: Tony, this is -- [rustle of clothing]
TB: John's just joking, Gordon, sit back down.
JP: Er, so, trust. It's trust that allows us to truly love one another. Gordon, could you tell Tony how it makes you feel when Tony tells you he loves you?
TB: Pretend John's not here.
JP: Yes, pretend I'm not here.
GB: Christ, I -- fine, fine. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
JP: And why is that?
GB: I don't know if you've noticed, John, but we're in the government.
JP: I'm not here.
GB: You're doing an awful job of it.
TB: So what if we're in the government?
GB: Must you say it in front of everybody?
TB: That we're in government?
GB: No. The other thing.
TB: What other thing?
GB: I'm not saying it.
JP: Why can't you say it?
GB: If we are going to do this, why can't we just hire a professional?
TB: John is a professional.
GB: Professional unionist.
TB: Since when have you had problems with such? You seem close enough with Charlie.
GB: Oh, don't drag Charlie into this melodrama.
TB: Look, John, he's constantly dismissing my grievances--
JP: I know, I understand. Gordon, as I learned from Your Body is Yours, Embrace It --
GB: For fucks' sa--
TB: Shush.
JP: -- if you can't love yourself, nobody else can.
TB: That is profound.
GB: It's hopelessly cliché.
TB: Look, it's this elitism that prevents you from opening your mind --
GB: Elitism? Says the Fettes boy.
TB: -- to whatever might actually help you become a better person.
GB: What about you becoming a better person?
TB: Well, eventually--
GB: So it's all on me, is it?
TB: I at least try and make the effort!
JP: Let us just breathe quietly for a moment. [pause] That's nice. There is value in silence.
GB: That from Love Your Body, too?
JP: Moving on, I'd like to ask you something a bit more intimate. When was the last time you were ..together?
TB: [sigh] Ages ago.
GB: Last Tuesday.
TB: But what feels like ages ago.
GB: But what in actuality was last Tuesday.
JP: So I take it there are no problems on that front?
TB: Well, some--
GB: [interrupts] None.
TB: Depends on what you classify a problem, I suppose.
GB: What problems did you have with last time?
TB: You were a bit rough.
GB: You asked for it. And I apologised.
TB: I know, but -- John, you're red in the face.
GB: He's not a professional, he isn't used to listening conversations on these matters.
JP: I'm completely professional! Er, if you could continue...
GB: I think the topic's been discussed.
TB: I had something I wanted to share.
GB: Not in front of him.
JP: Please, Gordon, this is a place of utter confidentiality --
GB: In private. Tony?
TB: Fine, fine.
JP: Well, I think it's time that we open our hearts and our minds to complete honesty. Now it's time you tell each other something completely honestly and openly. Then, when you know you can be honest with one another, trust will flow between you, like a forest stream.
TB: I'll start.
JP: Very well.
TB: Gordon, I've heard rumours you've put coded insults about me into the next Budget only Treasury people will understand. Is that true?
GB: No, Tony, it's not. I've heard Campbell called me a cunt. Is that true?
TB: Well, the thing with Alastair is --
GB: Yes or no?
TB: He meant it in the best possible way, I'm sure.
GB: I wouldn't be so sure.
TB: Don't take offence.
GB: I'm not.
TB: I know you are. Look, I don't care--
GB: Neither do I.
JP: I sense a lot of tension here. I think, like in the book Hug Your Way Into A Brighter Future --
GB: Is he joking?
TB: Just listen.
JP: -- we need to apologise. Apologies for things help us understand how we have wronged others, and accept both our flaws and theirs. This is a key part of communication.
TB: Yes.
JP: I'll start. I'm sorry if you have not found these sessions helpful, Gordon.
TB: He has, John, don't worry.
GB: I haven't, actually. Could you apologise for speaking for me all the time?
TB: No, but I am sorry you don't return the depth of my feelings for you.
GB: That's both dishonest and emotional blackmail, but nothing less than I'd expect from you--
TB: What is your apology?
GB: I don't think I've got one.
TB: Gordon..
GB: [sigh] Fine. Er. I suppose I'm sorry I didn't say I love you when you said it to me.
TB: [pause] Really?
GB: Yes. [clothes rustling] T-tony--
TB: Er. Right.
JP: Well.
TB: I guess we're done for this week?
JP: It appears we are. Thank you, gentlemen. On these sheets of paper you will find your homework. Last week it was about compliments - how to give them and how to receive them.
GB: Which was shite.
TB: It was a helpful exercise, I thought.
GB: Did you have to do it over the speaker phone, though?
TB: John said we should just say it whenever it felt right.
GB: You've never been around twenty Treasury officials when the Prime Minister calls you beautiful, in that case, because the moment did not feel right to me at all.
JP: I think you will find this week's exercise much more pleasant.
TB: [shuffling of paper] Oh. Wow.
GB: We're not doing this.
TB: I don't know, I think --
GB: The pictures, especially.
JP: It's a trust-building exercise.
GB: And we're supposed to trust you with the photographic evidence?
JP: [cough] It's for my assessment of you carrying out the task..
TB: Oh there's a drawing. That's helpful.
GB: Tony--
TB: You've got to be open to things, Gordon.
GB: Not to things of this nature. Prescott, I swear --
TB: Maybe we should just go.
JP: I'll see you next week, then? [shuffling of paper]
GB: I'm going to be busy.
TB: He doesn't mean that.
GB: Don't speak for me.
TB: Until next week, John.
JP: Ending Session 31. Therapist's personal assessment: very productive session, fraught with emotions on both ends of the scale. Progress was certainly made. Patient GB remains resistant to the radical nature of my methods. Patient TB much more open-minded. Communication between them still plagued with difficulties, but getting better. With my help they will surely patch things up for the betterment of the party. I am confident.