Chapter Text
" Hearts are breakable. And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before. "
All of the family was gathered in the Namjoon’s office by the time you got there. They all looked right at home. You are once again reminded that you are the outsider in this scenario. When the kids who were once dismissed to mess around when the adults made decisions grew up, and replaced their predecessors, you were the only one absent. And that made you sad somehow. That was unexpected. Considering you were ran away from exactly that.
Well not really. What you ran away from was different. You ran from the only duty that was ever given to you by your father. Uniting powers. Through marriage. Through an heir. So the reality was that this office room scenario would have occurred with or without you being a part of that. Your choices just made you here now instead of in some mansion looking after future heirs that you expelled.
So maybe you being here was the anomaly in all this.
Namjoon stood near the window looking out deep in thought. His side profile regal and poised but yet troubled. His absence had caused uncertainlty in the lower ranks despite your best efforts. You want to apologise for not being a better stand in. Maybe if you had stayed , maybe if you learned like your brother, you would’ve been capable enough.
He looked up and gave you a small smile, a tiny one. His faced showed relief. Was you coming here that important, you cant help but wonder.
Seokjin was sitting across from the giant desk facing towards Namjoon and didn’t seem to notice you come in, head buried in some papers strewn on the desk.
The rest of the bunch looked up when you walked in and gave you warying acknowledgments. A wave from Jimin, and smile from Tae and Hoseok, and a brief eyecontact from Yoongi, which was huge coming from him.
You walk towards to where Seokjin is reading and slip into the next chair.
He barely looks up and says, ‘Now that you’re here, help me work this out’.
You grab hold of the papers he is offering and skim through.
The papers showed alarming data. The Johnsons who controlled the east dock and surrounding areas were flat out refusing to co operate with the family.
“ But we were partners for so long. Surely they cant just stop co operating with us. Going back on their word would be death for a family, right?’, you look towards Namjoon who seems to hear you but just keeps looking outside , still lost in some deep thought that you cant reach across.
‘When Hyung was out of the scene, the leadership changed. Tobias became the Head. He is one of those hard headed kids just waiting for a power play. He saw the fluctuation in our grounds as opportunity. I have sources suggesting he is planning to expand and partner with the Hendricksons which will only mean trouble for us . The Hendricksons are all muscle and no brain. It would end up with the Johnsons on top.,’
It was Taehyung replying to your questions. You looked back to see him lying on the sofa with his feet on Jimin’s lap as if he didn’t just explain some bad news.
‘The audacity of that man, ugh, was always a greasy bastard’ you grumble under your breath.
Tobias Johnson. You’ve met him in some very unfortunate circumstances. You were made to meet him. If you close your eyes, you could still remember that ugly stare , as if calculating the price of the cattle he is buying to butcher for a feast.
You could almost feel your skin crawl at the mere thought of the man when you heard a chuckle. Namjoon was looking at the wall away from all of you and chuckling to himself.
Well if he could laugh at this situation, surely he has a plan in mind. Relief almost washes over you. You look at Namjoon. The lanky big brother who stood across from you. Grown in to the big boy pants so well. The born leader.
You look to Seokjin with a smile only to see him looking worried.
Even Yoongi who seems to been lying on the recliner near the window looks at Namjoon closely. As if waiting for the blow.
A shiver runs through your neck when you remember some years old memory of a chuckle which sounded so eerily similar.
You realise you haven’t seen Namjoon’s face in the light since you entered the room. His back which looked regal then now looks downright stiff. He is wound tight.
The air shifts. And when Namjoon turns and looks straight at you, the anger you see is scathing. The heat should burn you. It should scare you shitless. Anger at you, Why?
‘Well, he wouldn’t be a greasy bastard in my business if it weren’t for you now, would he, dearest sister?”, he spits out with venom. Had he stood closer you might feel the heat rising from his eyes.
‘ Namjoon’, Jin says in a warning tone. It goes unheard.
You don’t remember standing up from the chair or it falling back. You don’t see how the family has woken to alertness at the anger display of the leader.
‘Joon, are you saying it is my fault that the Johnsons are pulling a shit deal now? ‘,your words sound weak even to you. You cant wrap your head around Namjoon’s anger, which seems to grow with every word you spoke, “Because I didn’t get the families joined. That’s absurd. You sound like our-”
‘Father, yes. When he asked you to get married to Johnsons, you’re the one who refused. You’re the one who ran away from your responsibilities. If it weren’t for you, he would be an ally and not a head ache to me. Do you realise where your silly eloping has put me?”
Each word is spoken so clearly, so smooth and yet with so much anger. You can’t remember seeing your mild mannered brother so angry. Maybe that’s why you can’t immediately react. The blunted answers you threw to everyone who annoyed you seemed no where to be found in front of this fire.
But it returns. Within seconds you are livid. Because if those words were true, you were playing a fools play. The world is a stage and you are the joke. You could almost hear the jeering laughter in your ears. And it sounds like your Father.
“Don’t you dare, Joon. Don’t you fucking pretend that you didn’t know,” you don’t recognize your own voice. You wished you were crying but no tears come out. Your eyes burn with the anger that you kept inside all these years.
“Don’t pretend that you didn’t know of the Johnson heirs’ history with his girlfriends and mistresses. That if I married him, I would be dead within a week. Your oh so great father didn’t care. Dead or not, they would be bound to the family. That’s all he cared about. And I’m a fool to think you gave a shit about me, my dear brother,” you voice cracks. It can’t be helped. All the anger. All the pain. Its never beautiful. It grows uglier the more it stays crushed inside.
“And don’t you for one fucking second pretend that you didn’t know I was leaving. Dad was senile enough to not give a crap what I did. But you knew . About my plans. About me selling mother’s jewelry at a pawns shop. There was no way you didn’t know I was leaving.” Namjoon has turned his back to the room again. You don’t even know if he is listening to you. But You cant stop. The words keep coming. You know the members are startled. You don’t know what they remember of the times before , but you’re sure they didn’t know of your grief.
Out of the corner of your eye you see Jin looking at you. You cant see his expression without looking at him directly. And if god forbid you see pity in those eyes, you might never recover. Those mirth filled which always looked at you with care and love, that annoyed glance every time you called him hyungie instead of oppa. You see Yoongi, pour a drink in your field of vision. Your first crush. The tiny heartache he caused now felt like nothing compared to what you felt now.
‘YOU let me leave Namjoon. Because under all that pretense , I thought you wanted me to leave. To have a shot at life away from this . I thought you let me leave. Then how can you say that its my fault. How is it my fault, Joon?”.
It feels like you’re talking to an immovable mountain. Namjoon refuses to even turn around and acknowledge the pain you just announced.
You want to scream at him to look at you. You thought he helped you leave. So you could be free. And you would always be grateful for that. For that sacrifice. Unless –
You suck in a breath. The room feels cold. Goosebumps all over you
‘Because if you let me leave because of some other power play or plot that I was unaware of and is still is to this day, then I am a bigger fool that I thought, Right Joon-ah?
You don’t know what makes him turn abruptly and look at you directly. You’ve seen that expression on his face far too many times. You’ve seen it when he sneaked out without you to go party with Jin hyung, when he lied about eating your pocky sticks , when you – a million other instances where you saw his guilt flash before your eyes.
But this is not the same. The intensity of the guilt. It felt like a stab in your back. You almost reach your hand to the back to see if you’ve been actually stabbed. Your lungs feel empty. There is a ringing in your ears. Why is it so quiet.
‘Y/N!!” your head whips towards Yoongi. He was the one who yelled your name. The call brings you back to the room. You look at him and for the first time in years, your mind goes blank. You turn your head to look towards your elder brother. The only blood relation you have left.
Oh, the guilt , it’s still there. It takes a moment to understand and one more to hit you with full force.
‘KIM NAMJOON, oh the man you are. Father was right of course, you’re so talented. All that racket I just made and all the drama I created here and oh! I didn’t know you could break my heart with a look”, you smile at him.
Your eyes burn. You can feel your tear glands working. No. No tears. You realise you are rubbing your chest, over your heart. It hurts. Is this what getting your heart broken means?
“I’ll just leave you boys be. Of course you will find a solution for the issues. Bangtan will thrive”.
You duck your head and walk out the double doors. Your can’t look at them. Not without the pity making you defenseless. You don’t think you will survive it.
You end up near your childhood bedroom. You’re walking but it felt as if you floated you way here. Its almost hilarious how the circle of life is. Because how many time have you walked like this barely holding on to your tears only to lose it once inside your room. You’re almost there when you hear footsteps. You know who it is. Some bad habits never leave you. Your ears had trained pick up his footsteps at one point in your life.
You keep walking and when his footsteps stop just behind you. You hear him draw a breath to speak and before he can, you interject.
‘Yoongi-ssi , not a good time. Maybe we can annoy each other later. Just not now,” you say with your back to him. You don’t know what would happen if someone looked into your eyes right now. Not even the ever aloof Min Yoongi will be able to pretend the obvious hurt in your eyes didn’t exist and right now all you wanted was to not exist at all.
‘He regrets it. You should know that. Always did. He always wanted you to return. But you wanted to leave . That’s the only reason he didn’t call you back. The power of attorney was there because he knew you would return someday.”, his low voice registers as truth in the lie detector that is your brain. Despite all the bad blood between you both, he wouldn’t lie to you. Not about this. But these words mean nothing now. You’re past convincing. The hurt was overpowering.
“That doesn’t stop that fact that he wanted me gone , or that I lived in guilt over abandoning the only family I had. Or the fact that he just blamed for the conflict which was supposed to never happen had it been for me agreeing to get married to that psychopath”, your words are measured. Clipped even. No one who heard you outside of the people in that blasted office room downstairs would know you were hurt if they heard you.
‘But-‘
“Please, don’t. you’ve always been loyal to my brother. But that doesn’t mean you can right his wrongs. Leave me alone for now,please,” you request and walk towards your room. Has it always been that far away?
Your thought are running a mile a minute and you feel nauseous. The doors of your room locks and the dam of tears you held just blows.
You’ve always wondered what betrayal felt like. In passing. When you read a story or in a movie.
Now you don’t have to wonder anymore.
It just feels like heartbreak. Like your heart broke into two and you are just sitting there wondering why your love wasn’t enough to hold the pieces together. Wondering whether it will ever be enough.
You feel drained by the time night falls. Its impossible to sleep but even worse to be awake. You end up on the gardens on a bench overlooking a flower patch which have since died . Only the dirt remains . You stare at the dirt as if it will give you answers. Or at least questions. Since life had thrown a curveball at you and you were always bad at sports.
Someone is probably watching you from the house. Even back then someone always was. That’s nothing new. Whats new is the footsteps coming towards you. You could smell him before he sat down next to you.
“Noona, are you okay?,” innocent words coupled with worried eyes.
You turn to look at the boy sitting next to you. He has grown a lot. Soon he will be taller than you.
You smile at him and see that the worry dissipates mildly.
‘Jungkook-ah, you’re old enough, right?”
He frowns at the question.
‘Old enough for what? Are you sending me back?”. The worry comes back exponentially. He looks distressed. That was never your intention.
“Oh no baby, that’s not it.”, you reassure him. You take his hands into yours and ask, “Do you like it here? The house, the school, the hyungs? Be truthful. I want to know.”
He just smiles at nothing for a moment and your brain jumps to the worst possible scenario. He was pretending so as to not hurt me. He hates the house, the school, he is being bullied, watched by enemie- He hates me-
“I really like it.”, your eyes shoot up in surprise. He just giggles at your shock and continues “I like being here. I like being with you, noona”. Such a small thing to say. But you feels tons lighter. He may not know what he did, but the boy had made you feel a little better.
But you press on. You need to know. You don’t want him to be another mistake you made. You loved him. But not enough to hurt him. You couldn’t be the reason for his misery. Not now. And not in the future. Namjoon had made you rethink every decision you ever made since you left in the last hours and Jungkook was a giant worry. The choices you made for him was hanging on your neck. What if you screwed some one else’s life in the mess that was your life?
“And do you think it was okay for me to make decisions about your life? Bringing you here, sending you to school, adopting you? What if they are all just selfish decisions made by a mad lady? Do you think you would grow up to regret this?” The question in itself sound unstable. But you cant help it. If u ruined anything in this boy’s life by a decision you made, that would be the final nail in your coffin.
The melancholy and the uncertainty looms around you in clouds. But they move when you hear a laugh.
Jungkook starts laughing. It was a shake of shoulders at first turning into a full bodied laughter. Eyes scrunched shut and uneven buck tooth out, he looked exactly like that 10 year old boy you met. Looking at his unabridged happiness makes you smile despite the heavy heart. He finally stops laughing and turns his body fully towards me , sitting cross-legged on the bench.
“Noona , is that what you think,?” he sounds so soft, you would think you are the child among the both of you. “You gave me things when you didn’t have to. Sent me to school, bought me clothes, just because . You may not know how much it meant to me. I had no one. No one cared. But you did. I still don’t know why. But you took me in. I will always love you for that,” he squeezes your hands in his. They are as big as yours. Your realise he is almost an adult now. Somewhere along the way, they little boy had grown up. “ But you didn’t stop there. You bought me to your house, adopted me, Gave me a surname gave me a family,” his voice cracks a bit and you squeeze his hands back. Letting him know, you’ve got him.
He continues,” You know, Yoongi hyung picked me up from school twice last week . Jin hyung always packs me lunch everyday. They play games with me, Namjoon hyung helped me with my homework. I’ve never had so many people in my life. Its feels good, noona. I didn’t know you could feel like this all the time. I didn’t know this is what it means to have a family. So please let me stay, as long as you’ll have me.”
“Baby, you will always be family. As long as you want to be. I hope you know that.” You reassure him. But its mostly for you.
Jungkook’s words bring more tears. This sweet boy who was left to fend for himself was your family. You’re glad you made that choice. To look after a preteen when you swore that you wouldn’t get attached to a single soul in your life, to ending up adopting him, to give him protection with the family name.
The skinny kid you raised for the past 6 years has his arms around you trying to comfort you. His eyes are wet with tears . You realise that somewhere along the way the scrawny boy with big wet eyes who barely spoke a word when you met had grown into a lovely young man. Who was comforting you, crying with you and he didn’t even know why you were sad in the first place.
More tears fall and Jungkook asks,’ Noona, if you cry, I’ll cry with you, you know that, right? So whatever the reason is for your tears, I’ll help you solve it. I’m gonna punch every single person who makes my Noona cry,” he is trying to make you laugh and you do. The innocence with which he loves. It was beautiful/
“Jungkook-ah, if I made any mistakes while raising you, forgive noona , okay? This is the first time im doing this. If I do something wronf , tell me. Don’t hate me. I don’t think I can live if you hate me.” you tell him seriously. He just looks back at you and nods. Somehow that’s all you need know. You feel lighter.
So you put your arms around him and holds him close. Maybe you will be alright.
Just maybe.
In the distance from the manor , two figures watched this unraveling in the gardens.