Work Text:
Follow along with video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPQumhUucJw
Yeah, the formatting I've got isn't the best, but i'm trying :(
“Thanks a lot, Dad! I finally realized that I'm worthless, incompetent, and that you're ashamed of me! I finally realized that the day I was born, you didn’t want people to know that I was your son!”
“Forgive me for being such a fucking idiot and never living up to your great expectations! It’s great that you at least have Heavy! He’s just sooo good, he always succeeds, always does everything right! You can raise him and him only, and I'll do you a favor and disappear and hope that at least that can fix everything!”
“I've been trying to please you all my life! I'm trying to make you proud and hear you say, "Well done, Dee! I'm proud of you!" Or "second place? It's okay, you're great! I love you anyway!" I tried so hard for your pride, but all I ever got was another "not bad".”
“You…
You have no idea how much I need your support and love.”
Am I…so similar… To my father?
I’d’ve done better.
Only 98?
Because Heavy is more talented than you.
Hm, not tall enough.
Good! But not a record.
DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEE HOW WORTHLESS YOU ARE?! EMBARRASS YOURSELF? EMBARRASS ME?!
I didn’t want that…
“Dee!”
…at all.
"DEE!"
*dee's shirt*
*noise in the front hall*
“Dee, are you going somewhere?”
“Dee, in such situations, a reprimand is necessary. We have to talk about this…
…are you ignoring me?
Dee, please!”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!!”
Dee... smokes?
What should I do? How should I behave now?
Is he waiting for my reaction?
* rustling *
“Catch.
Wear a helmet please.”
“Let's take a little ride.”
“Whoa! I think I was speeding a little bit.
Dee, is everything alright back there?
Oh, Vicky will kill me when she finds out that I took her bike.”
Okay... Dee is not in the mood for a conversation at all. I can feel his tension even from behind me.
I want to talk to him about this, but…
This porridge started cooking long before he was born. It was brewed by a man whom I called father a long time ago, and I will have to fix it all. And I’m...scared? What should I tell him? How do I do this? Maybe I'll say something wrong again and lose his trust... If you think about it, I’ve never had particularly frank conversations with him...
In any case, I'm obligated to talk to him. I can at least try. I can't lose him, and my childhood pain shouldn't be passed down. It should not be something to inherit.
“We’re here.”
“Hey.
You're too old to lecture you about what you already know perfectly well. I'm not going to lecture you, but I hope you quit smoking as soon as possible. The conversation will be tedious and long. Don't be shy.”
“We are still young.”
“Dee...
I've never told you about my father, have I?”
“You see, I had a... ahem...
difficult relationship with him…”
“What...is happening to me?”
Smack (x10)
Fuck.
“Ha ha! Sorry, I was just thinking a little... What was I talking about?..”
“Oh, yes, my father…”
As you know, my father was very rich and quite influential.
He was secular, and society required him to be perfect in all areas of his life…”
“Well done, Lydia.”
“I was his only son. His heir, if I may say so, and he began to shed the truckload of responsibility that came from his social standing at me as soon as I started talking. By the age of six, I could already play “Moonlight Sonata” perfectly and explain to a Frenchman what kind of tea should be drunk in the morning and which in the evening.”
“But it wasn’t enough for my father.”
“He was obsessed with this race for the title of “the best of everything and anything”, and every time…
…when I was wrong…
…or did something that he didn’t like…”
“What a fool.”
“Dad?
Hey…Dad!”
“My only son, nothing more than mediocre!
Hand!”
“Dad…”
“You're freezing!”
“Well well…
You can’t even speak to your own father…
Coward. “
“That’s enough.”
“Enough?!”
“Well, alright.
I think we should go. We'll walk down, and then I'll call a taxi. You probably shouldn’t be driving now.
…You can come down, can't you?”
“You’re just pretending to be the devil, you know that? But you’re still the same brat! Do you even know how much shit you’ve done? How long it took to restore my reputation after you disowned us and left to become this squalor?!”
“Dad, you’re scaring me! Answer me! Say something!”
“And what’s next? Getting involved with a red-haired bitch to give birth to the same scum as yourself? You think you’re gonna talk with your little geek of a son, explain everything to him, and he will understand you? Wake up, he hates you! A nobody like you is impossible to love. And as you are garbage, you will remain as such until the end of your days.
Just like your son.”
“Hand!”
“Dad, give me your hand, please!”
“No! No more!”
What…
Have I…
Done?
“Dee…
Dee, I didn’t mean to do that.
I’m sorry. “
Tears?
“Dee?..”
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“Dee, it’s okay, I’m…”
“Enough!
Stop fucking talking about how everything is “fine”! Stop it! It’s pissing me off! You walk around with that tight little smile…and then you take it off to reveal this!”
*sigh*
“I’ve finally seen your true emotions for the first time in my life, but...
This isn’t…
It’s not normal.”
“When did you become so mature…
You’re right. I have to be honest with you. “
“This is my legacy, Dee. This is what my father did to me when I displeased him.”
“This is the mark of his upbringing and mannerisms, which he pressed into me throughout my entire childhood, until I stopped it myself. They’re not just scars. They are the imprint of the hatred and disgust that he felt towards me.
I have never heard a word from my father about respect and love in my direction, and I have not received a single gram of warmth from him.”
“I don't want to justify myself or my actions with this…
...but I didn't have what I should be able to give you myself.
When your mother and I found out we were having a son, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I read and reread dozens of parenting books, replayed thousands of scenarios in my head in which I behaved one way or another, each time analyzing whether or not I was doing the right thing. I was determined to not let my past affect you or Heavy in any way. All this time, I considered myself a good father.
I tried, Dee. I really tried.
But as you can see, things didn’t entirely work out.”
“I didn't want to show you this. I thought I'd just have a heart-to-heart talk with you and tell you a little about my past. I was hoping that this would be enough to settle the conflict and sort out our relationship with you, but…
Apparently, this conversation touched me much deeper…
...than I could have imagined.”
“I…
I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t know, I didn’t tell you.”
“I mean…
Why didn’t you say anything about it? It seems so…
Important.”
“Dee, you’ve seen these scars before.
There was one moment…”
“When you were very young. Heavy wasn't even born yet...
I decided to bathe you, but before that I took off my wristbands so as not to get them wet...
‘Dee, Miss Duck is swimming away from you..
Don't worry, I caught her..’
I reached out with your toy to give it to you.
But you looked first at my hand...
then at me...
‘What's the matter?
Do you not want to play with Miss Duck anymore?’
And then you just started crying so hard! God, I've never heard a kid scream like that in my life.
You floundered, screamed, and didn't let me touch you until I covered my wrist again.
‘See? It's okay!’
‘I think you're done for today, aren't you?’
Then I realized that neither you, nor Heavy, needed to know about everything that happened to me.
‘It's nice and warm in your towel, right?’
The past has no place in the present, and that's why it's the past. That's what I decided.”
“Dad...Heavy and I are no longer children. The past doesn’t go away if you’re silent about it. You should have told me about your trauma.
That’s why you need family, so you’re not afraid to be upfront or honest about things.
Right?”
“Oh, hiding cigarettes is very honest!”
“This is different!”
“And Mom?”
“We talked about it, and she supported me as much as she could, tried to help me become a good father figure, but...
Apparently, the conversation with my son revealed something in me that I thought had long been forgotten and erased.”
“Dee…
I should apologize for being rude and tactless with you.
Never in my life have I ever wanted to hurt you or…
Somehow offend you.”
“God.
You know, you can’t even imagine how much I…
You…”
“Love you.”
*crickets*
Pff…
“Hah. HAHAHA!
Ahahaha… sorry, I just… hahaha!”
“Sorry, I was a little nervous.”
“I understand.”
“Dad, Heavy’s mature enough. He should be allowed to know about…this.
I would’ve liked to.”
“Yes… you’re right.”
“Hey…
I’m always here for you.”
“I know, but it’s unlikely that I’ll change even after this conversation.
Even now, I didn’t think that after all this time…”
“I’M SORRY!
Dad, at home… I don’t know what came over me. I was just so…”
“Dee, listen to me.”
“You did everything right.
Maybe a little more impulsively than usual…
But you expressed to me everything you felt, and that’s good. That’s great.
If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be here right now, and you’d still be carrying the burden of misunderstanding and resentment, but…
Please try to understand me.
I am an adult,
And my character,
Behavior and habits,
Formed for many many years of my life, and they will never fully go away. What you perceived as harsh criticism or offense…”
“I just didn’t perceive it as such.
But I want to change.
Even though you and Heavy have grown out of prime educational age, I would like to learn to do this… right.”
“Hmm…
Well, when you get too aggressive or blunt, I’ll just make that face…”
“Dee, that’s your normal face.”
“Oh… I understand. Okay, I’ll try to notice from now on.”
“You know…
Heavy loves you.”
“Really?”
“Yes! He chatters incessantly about you, how cool you are, how much he admires you.
Once a man called you a f…
Uh…”
“What’d he call me?”
“Uh…”
“F*ggot?”
“I have been called that a lot.”
*written out phonetics of a grumble/sigh*
“Well anyways…
He fucked him up so bad! You shoulda seen it! He walked for a week with a puffed cheek, and had to pick up his teeth from around the school!”
“That’s strange, I was never notified by the school about this.”
“Well, that’s because Uncle Ches came. We also had him come in last year for another fight Heavy got into instead of you and mom.”
“Really? I thought Heavy had gotten calmer.”
Hahahaha!
“But hey, maybe one day…”
“Damn.
Kinda bright.”
“Obviously. It is morning after all.”
“Dad…
Are you mad at him?”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”
“Do you know anything about his family? Or like, if they’re as abusive as he is?”
“In what sense?”
“I mean, he’s abusive and all, but…
Maybe his family was just as stupid or something like that…”
“Even if they were, it is still not an excuse for his behavior.
I didn’t adopt his mannerisms and I chose a different path, which he could have done in due time.”
“And if it wasn’t for Ches?”
“Dad, you said that Ches pulled you out of that mess. What would have happened if you never met him? If it wasn’t for his “accident” with the record?”
“Dee you don’t understand…”
“Would you have been able to become who you are? If it wasn’t for him?
I’m not trying to justify your father’s behavior. He’s a complete asshole! But maybe if you knew why, you could… let it go?”
“Your dad didn’t have a “Ches”, did he? What if you were just all alone and you didn’t just survive…
What if you broke down?”
“Sorry.
It’s probably not the right time to bring up this subject…”
“Shit, it’s mom.”
“Hello?”
“WHERE’S MY FUCKING BIKE?!?!”
“Mom, mom, it’s okay, we just decided to go out for a bit.
God, yes, everything is fine with the bike. I don’t know why he’s not picking up…yes, yes, I get it, you’ll smear it against the wall and wash it with our patches…”
“Damn, I get it! We’ll be back soon, I can explain…”
“I’m sick of looking at you.”
“You’re dead.
What I’m seeing is just an image in my head, and it is doing nothing but feeding on my fears. Even if I wanted to figure out your story, it would be impossible anyways. It is too late.”
“Story?
Are you on about that nonsense you’re talking about with your son?”
“Maybe Dee’s right.
Maybe you really needed help, and no one was ever there, and all you could do was obey.”
“Like me, once.
You were never happy.
You were just trying to create the illusion of success and wealth to the public. And I’m really sorry for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been through an entire lifetime, but it’s not mine, I didn’t see it. I don’t know what happened to you.”
“Shut up.”
“The nickname is not necessary.”
“Shut up!”
“And it is not loved by anyone.”
“Shut your trap!”
“Gustav.
I am so sorry.”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“Yeah.
So we talked…”
“Listen, mom’s furious right now. It’s probably time that…”
“Dad, I’m sorry I brought up-”
“No, it’s okay.”
“Really?”
“Yes.
I plunged into the depths of my subconsciousness, met face to face with my fears and grievances, and let them go.”
“...uh…okay..?
If you’re feeling fine, then we should probably hurry up and head home.”
“Yes, you’re right.
I have sat here for far too long. I’ll need to ask Vicky to stretch my back a little.”
“She’s not just gonna stretch your back…”
“I suppose a neck stretch wouldn’t hurt either…”
“Dad, she’ll lather your neck.”
“Why would she do that, Dee? I can lather myself.”
“Do you want to stop for a quick snack on the way home?
We should probably get burgers or pizza for Vicky.
Maybe it’ll melt her heart a bit.”
“Sure.”
“Where should we go? We could try the drive in at Mac’s, or maybe that diner at the intersection…what do you-”
“Dad…
I love you too.”
“By the way, your mascara’s kinda running.”
“Here…
Um, it looks fine, but you can fix it yourself at Mac’s.”
“Ready?”