Work Text:
Dís remembers with striking clarity the day her fears came true, when Thorin approached her one cold morning in the frozen courtyard of the place they have called home for so many decades now, but that never truly felt like home; not when they both still kept in their hearts the glory of Erebor, the beauty of their childhood home.
She was well familiarised with Thorin's inner troubles and conflicts, and with how he longed to prove himself in the eyes of their people even when they have all already shown their gratitude towards him for giving them a new life, for lifting them from the nothingness they had been doomed to; yet it seemed to Dís that Thorin was never satisfied, that he always strived to do more, to be more—that there was something in him that would not let him rest until he could reach the full height of the expectations he was so keen on placing upon himself.
And so Dís felt no surprise, when Thorin first brought up the topic of his wish to retake Erebor; for she knew her brother and all of his unreachable dreams better than anyone else. Dís would not offer him her blessing, not while she was being gutted by this terrible feeling in her chest, this bitter pain that told her that her only remaining brother would not be returning from this impossible dream of his.
Ever an unshakeable pillar on which her people could always rely on, Dís decided she was to remain in Ered Luin and rule in her brother's absence; and if he truly does not return, Fíli would then take the throne. She has been preparing her eldest son for this moment his entire life, and he was more than happy to help his mother with the responsibility of being a nurturer and a protector to their people; goodness knows they needed it, after all the loss and hardships they all had to endure.
Nothing could have prepared her, however, for the deep stabbing pain in her chest and her legs nearly giving out when Fíli, her biggest hope for the future of their race, announced that he would be joining Thorin on his journey, at Kíli's eager request. There were none on this earth who could imagine the fury and heartbreak that swallowed her in that moment, knowing very well that this was Thorin's doing—that he filled her sons' minds with grand embellished stories of their ancestral home so that they might one day grow up and dream like him; dream of returning to a home that they were too young to have ever even known.
She gripped Fíli so tight that day, digging her fingers into his upper arms so hard that even though she knew it had to hurt him, Fíli let out no complaints, and instead offered her his usual quiet company and his heavy, meaningful looks—a trait he inherited from her. Her only comfort came from learning that Fíli was doing this for Kíli, and not for his uncle's reckless ambitions. Dís cursed the adventurous spirit that ran through the blood of all her kin; the very same yearning for adventure that once had a grip on her soul too.
In the days before their departure, Dís could not bear to speak with Thorin. She didn't mean to do it, but her eyes would freeze themselves into an accusatory glare anytime he was within sight of her. She had hopelessly tried to forbid her youngest from joining this foolish quest, but she knew that Kíli would find a way to go regardless of how many times his mother shouted and wept for him to stay—to stay here with her, where she could protect him from the horrors of the world that have already taken the rest of her family from her when she was too young to protect them; and now that she was stronger, she still couldn't protect her loved ones from the perils they were about to face.
When the day of their departure came, and Dís had to watch her sons pack up and arm themselves as though they were leaving to fight in wars to come, she could hardly stand to watch it. Fíli had come to her and brought her shaking hands to his chest, warming them in his own gloved ones and promising her that he will protect Kíli with his every breath. Dís had to fight every stubborn muscle in her face that was urging her to cry, to break down and clutch Fíli close to her; but she subdued her trembling jaw and put on her brave face, and she placed a kiss upon her eldest son's forehead and gave him her blessing so that he may never be parted from his brother. Kíli she embraced with all her strength, gathering him in her arms as if he were still a babe, undeterred by his half-hearted complaints.
The lump in her throat would not let her say her goodbyes to her elder brother, and she watched bitterly as Thorin's figure slowly disappeared through the gates as he went on chasing the ghosts of their shared past. The few gentle snowflakes falling slowly upon his head was the last she ever saw of him. The last she saw of Kíli was the youthful grin he gave her, so full of excitement and hope for what he was about to find on this journey; and the last she saw of Fíli was the fierce dedication with which he stayed by his brother's side, ever resembling her own love and protectiveness of family—family which she now had to watch leave her to her lonesome duties.
Dís shed no tears that day, nor the nights that came after, for the shock that she was once again alone had not yet fully seeped into her reality; and so Dís turned all her energy to her people, and she did all that she could to keep some small amount of hope still living in her heart, bleak and dwindling as it may be.