Work Text:
And you need to know
That you keep me up all night, all night
Oh my heart hurts so good
I love you babe, so bad, so bad
Mad cool in all my clothes
Mad warm when you get close to me
Slow dance these summer nights
Our disco ball's my kitchen light
Kim Seungmin has a boyfriend.
The above sentence sounds like something he’d dream up after a particularly raucous night of a party hosted by his dearest best friend. After a morning of a terrible hangover, with Jisung fawning over him like a mother hen even though he’s the only reason he got hammered in the first place. Damage control, he supposes. He isn’t one to refuse an opportunity to make his best friend do something other than cocoon in his bed.
Seungmin has a boyfriend. It gets even absurd to plot the plausibility of this statement when you add a comma followed by a sweet Hwang Hyunjin, his name in honey tones and sweetened chocolate. That’s what he thinks when he says his name—Hwang Hyunjin—his tongue twisting and his face automatically flushing of its own accord.
He doesn’t know how it happened. It had started out as them being seatmates, Hyunjin with his brushed back hair and crinkled smiles asking him if he got the notes for the last class because he was down with a flu. Seungmin had been startled and, ever the helpful one, lent him his notes. Hyunjin casually asked for his number—intent hidden behind a sweet smile—and Seungmin, innocent to the ways of the world of flirting, had readily followed through.
That’s where it started, he thinks. That’s where Hyunjin started revolving around his life, slowly but surely pulling himself into Seungmin’s orbit. And he just—let him. He stood by and watched Hyunjin molding himself to fit into Seungmin’s life slowly, so subtle that he doesn’t even notice it. The realization had hit him suddenly. He had been outside at the time, and he’d spotted the new cafe recently opened up in the area. His first thought was—Hyunjin would like to hang out here—and stopped square in his step, realizing what that meant.
Seungmin doesn’t know how to do relationships. He’s ended two of them on his own accord, because it wasn’t working for him. The others either dumped him or cheated. He makes himself emotionally unavailable most of the time, and his partners never understand why he wants to spend his evenings cooped up in his dorm to study. They aren’t interested in his passion for his line of study, and Seungmin isn’t interested in shallowness. They’d rather spend the night fucking than listening to the complexities of his new project that he’s been dying to tell someone about because it’s all so interesting.
Hyunjin is different—and he doesn’t have to date the boy to know that. Hyunjin is bubbly and cheerful, makes friends easily and seems like the person who’d always be on the move for social gatherings. That had made him a little wary at first because Seungmin is just—wary of extroverts.
Hyunjin is different. Hyunjin is familiar. He’s warm, considerate. Genuine in the way no one in this century should be allowed to be. He’s affectionate and gives love readily. Seungmin sometimes wonders where he keeps all of that, so much of that, so easily available and overflowing. Hyunjin hurts his eyes whenever he looks at him—because he shines. Brighter than anyone he’s ever seen, brighter than anything he’s ever seen.
Hyunjin is—he has a lovely mind. He blends emotion into science. His work isn’t detached like most scientific reports are. He isn’t afraid to use sentiment to point the arrow towards his favour. He’s not afraid to put forth his own opinions and back them up with facts and Seungmin—he could fall in love if he wanted to.
Hyunjin is perfect. He has never met anyone as compelling, as passionate as him. He’s blown away by him every single day, even though he’s been around him for some time now.
The door opens with a click and breaks his line of thought. But he’s still typing on, and Hyunjin doesn’t interrupt. Instead, he stands beside him, the sweet of freshly made coffee in the air. He watches. It’s a testament to how well Hyunjin knows him in such a short time—3 months of dating—that he doesn't speak up and pull him out of his head immediately.
He waits for Seungmin to turn his attention. He types out the last line of the paragraph, mind buzzing with ideas for the next one, but he minimizes his window anyway. He’s been at it long enough. And he misses his boyfriend, so he’s going to let himself relax and get lost in Hyunjin’s lilting voice when he’s explaining something to him.
“Hi.” Hyunjin greets, setting the mug down on the table. He leans forward and supports himself with an arm braced to the edge, peering into his notes. “Shit, I forgot. When is it—” Seungmin reminds him of the deadline. Hyunjin groans, but he’s wearing his thinking face. Probably drawing up a schedule to get it done along with the other three assignments he has due, only to plunge that organized list into chaos and finish all four together over a night of frantic typing and littered cups of coffee.“It’s okay. I have time. I have time. Did you eat?”
Seungmin tells him he didn’t. Hyunjin tells him he’s going to make chicken stew and— “is that okay?” Hyunjin takes advantage of their proximity to place a sweet kiss on his cheekbone. He shuts his eyes at the contact, wondering how he still manages to fluster him so easily. “Stew is okay.” he mumbles. “Stew is good.”
“Okay!” his boyfriend all but bounds out of the room in bouncy steps, hair flopping behind him. Seungmin watches him go, hand on his cheek, lovestruck smile on his face that’s starting to hurt his jaw.
If fairytales exist, it’d be that boy right there.
Kim Seungmin is not a romantic at heart.
That’s what he used to think. That’s what he used to tell himself—you’re not suited for romance. Romance requires the heart. Not thinking with your brain for once, acting on your emotions. He didn’t think he’d be able to do that, him. It scares him to not be able to predict results. Not thinking with his brain terrifies him, and the heart lies. He knows that. It’s that overly analytical personality, that scepticism that leads him to sabotage his relations with people.
He doesn’t know what to do about it when that’s the entire essence of who he is. Being rational and logical no matter how off the rails the situation is, its one of his strengths. He got commented on that by his teachers who sent his letters of recommendation, and he’s always held that character with high pride. Not getting swept away by sentiment. Being the rock. Serene, peaceful.
A people pleaser.
Working hard just to back everyone up has been his coping mechanism for his entire life and right now—if he wants to stay with Hyunjin and make him happy, he’ll have to let go of that detachment. Because it doesn’t work like that. He can’t just—spend his days shutting himself away just because he has some new research to do. He has a boyfriend now. And he’s determined to do his best for this one, for Hyunjin, because he likes him more than he’s willing to admit.
The way the white lace tucked between ebony hair flutters reminds him of the proud flag outside their college. Stark white and held high in the wind, fluttering away. Hyunjin is a little further in the distance, white shirt and black shorts. Wind whipping through his hair. Seungmin kneels on the beady sand, watching.
He fidgets with a camera between his fingers, twisting the hard grey cord around. He holds it up, the mechanical sound zoom echoing in his ears as he focuses the lens to the area Hyunjin is loitering about. He drifts in and out of the frame, and Seungmin manages to catch a few nice shots. Hyunjin looks back, this wide smile on his face, and he clicks the shutter right then. He takes in a sharp breath as he lowers the camera and stares at the photo he’s taken, something in his chest clenching.
Hyunjin calls to him, waving. He kicks himself off the sand and saunters over to his boyfriend, who'd been taking pictures on his phone. On the waves washing against the shore, the bubbly white foam culminates at the peak before it crashes down into a sea of blue and green. Just a slight peak of the still setting sun can be caught, colouring the sky a fading shade of orange and pink, blue replacing it as the moon becomes clearer in the distance.
Hyunjin pulls him down beside him, claiming his feet hurts from walking around all day. They both know that it’s a bluff, but Seungmin doesn’t bother to call him out on it. Besides, just sitting by each other trying to perfect their photos and pointing out each other’s shortcomings followed by corrections is fun as well. At some point, Hyunjin leans forward to show him some photos, and ends up leaning against him.
So they sit there. Seungmin watches the waves rise and fall, come up till it almost kisses his converse hi-top. Retreating back. The beauty of the ocean has fascinated him since he visited a beach, and it’s all he can let himself do—stare into the distance and breathe the salty air in so deep that his lungs swell with the tide. Letting all memories of the beach strike one deja vu after another in his mind—recounting fond memories of his trips to Hyunjin as he adds his own back.
Hyunjin’s arm is twisted against his, skin warm on his own. His eyes are trained to Seungmin’s camera, lips turned down and a focused frown on his face. Seungmin lets his focus drift from the photos to Hyunjin. To his boyfriend. How close they are pressed against each other, how Hyunjin seems to gravitate closer still. His ready affection makes him grapple in confusion. He couldn’t fathom being so open, but Hyunjin’s affection comes so easily that he wonders if he’s actually consciously putting effort into it.
The idea of Hyunjin unconsciously seeking his touch, his attention, all of it—it makes his head reel. The thought of Hyunjin—or anyone, really—wanting Seungmin close. The sheer magnitude of what that entails, that Seungmin is someone he can find comfort in, can be safe with. And sometimes he looks at Hyunjin’s face when he’s peacefully curled up against him, body temperatures starkly contrasting. Sometimes he thinks, I’d die for this boy. And then he shakes his head and laughs because—wouldn’t that mean that he’s in love with him?
He wonders if he puts in effort this time, will he make it work? Finally? He wonders how long it will be before Hyunjin gets tired of him. The ever-encompassing expectations he’s been nailed under his entire life really shows its impact in some of these aspects of relationships, he thinks wryly. Of his adulthood. He’s so far away from all of it, but he can’t deny that the roots are already dug into his heart and are firmly planted to the spot—his own graveyard of things he’s never said out loud.
“Earth to Seungmin,” Hyunjin is saying, snapping his fingers in front of his face. He jerks. There’s an amused smile on his face. “You’re shivering. Let’s head back?”
“I’m not cold.” He says, but he’s making to get up anyway. Hyunjin tucks his phone back, keeps the camera with him, slings it around his own neck. He’s looking through the pictures, and Seungmin’s scolding him for almost tripping over for not looking where he’s walking. But his heart hammers in his chest when Hyunjin secretly smiles at the photo—a photo of him that Seungmin took. He doesn’t know what he sees. He doesn't know why it makes him nervous, but Hyunjin shoots a small smile at him anyway.
Once they’re at Seungmin’s car, Hyunjin invites himself inside and waits for Seungmin to get in. He's greeted with a hand cupping his cheek, and eyes flitting all over his face. Seungmin is seated, but he feels his knees go weak from how Hyunjin is looking at him. He leans forward, and Seungmin shuts his eyes on instinct. He steals a soft kiss, a chaste one placed square on his lips. He laughs shakily as he pulls away, something like a choke rushing up his throat. “What was that for?”
Hyunjin pouts at him, but he’s smiling along. “What, I can't kiss my boyfriend?” Right. Seungmin forgets that he’s Hyunjin’s boyfriend in this case as well. That his feelings are reciprocated, that Hyunjin just might think about him as much as he does. Might. Hyunjin isn’t cruel, and he seems fairly interested in him as well. “Thanks for today, Minnie. I had fun. Next time I'm taking you out! I won’t be defeated.”
Seungmin laughs, revving up his car. “Sure.”
Hyunjin drapes himself to his side, fiddling with the aux. When he finally settles on a song, they’re fifteen minutes away from their apartment complex. Seungmin kind of doesn’t want the evening to end, but he knows it has to. Unless Hyunjin comes over. He doesn’t know how to just ask that, though. Every other time Hyunjin has stayed over is due to implied circumstances apparently making it impossible for him to go back. Seungmin’s worry and need to ensure that he’s safe largely overrides his hesitance.
His palm is warm on his arm. Seungmin wonders how he can glue himself to him without being questioned about it. Just the slightest touch from Hyunjin—fingers encircling his wrist, arms touching, thighs knocking together, face inches apart. Lips slotted together, a singular gasp tumbling over between them when Hyunjin gets too lost in his eagerness. Seungmin feels hot under his collar everytime he thinks about that sound.
Hyunjin doesn’t pull away even when he’s stopped outside his apartment. He looks down to see that the boy is nodding off against his shoulder. He pauses, stops the car. He doesn’t want it to end, so he—he stares at his face. He tries to memorise the faint little moles, fading marks and blemishes. The slope of his nose, the way his lips smush together. The soft pink tint of it, one that usually smears across his lips and spills over to his cheek when Seungmin finishes mapping his mouth with his own.
He awakes with a jerk, a small noise under his breath. At first he looks confused to find Seungmin so close, not saying or doing anything. Then his cheeks colour, and he glances out of the window. Seungmin can’t detect if he’s displeased or happy to get away when he asks, “So. I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
Seungmin doesn’t want it to end and— god, it’s so embarrassing to be like a little child again, asking for something he knows he doesn’t deserve. He nods, swallowing the choke in his throat once, twice. Hyunjin’s looking at him, something soft in his eyes. He can’t fuck this up. He can’t hurt Hyunjin—he can’t. He has to make this work. He has to get over himself and think with his heart for once.
“Do you—” his voice is dry. Hyunjin leans towards him expectantly. He shuts his eyes; he doesn't really know why. “—do you want me to come over?”
The moment he opens his eyes is when Hyunjin is pressing a kiss to his cheek. He’s smiling, soft and secret, but he looks happy. There’s an ache settling under his chest, the more he looks at him full in the face. “Do you want to come over?” he’s asking, hands reaching up and messing up his hair in that fond way of his. Sometimes he plays with his hair, and Seungmin pretends to not like the touch. Sometimes he just wants to… let go. He wants to be able to relax without thinking of anything else.
Seungmin thinks. He nods. Hyunjin clicks open the car door, but not before skimming his fingers along his face in a teasing manner. He doesn’t shy away this time, even though that touch is just about enough to send a sharp tingle through his skin from where he was touched.
“I’m glad.” Hyunjin tells him over the roof, once he gets out. He holds his hand all the way up to his room, and Seungmin squeezes closer.
Unconsciously, he tells himself. He’s trying.
Hyunjin asks him if he can come over when he’s getting ready for bed. Seungmin isn’t complaining, but he gets a little worried. He says yes, of course, but his messages didn’t give him any hint as to what the matter was. He sits by his bed, waiting for the door to ring. After a short while, he gets too impatient. So, he opens up the door and waits outside, foot tapping and scrolling through his phone.
Hyunjin wears a surprised smile when he appears round the passageway. He hurries to him. He doesn’t say anything before engulfing him in a tight bear hug. He’s a bit taller than him, but the moment Seungmin rubs a hand over the plane of his back, he slumps into him. Seungmin holds him up, tucking his head into his neck wordlessly and patting his head.
They stay like that till Hyunjin detaches himself from his arms. There are tear tracks running down his face and his eyes are all puffy. Seungmin’s heart clenches when he smiles at him, sort of tired, sort of self-deprecating. He grabs his hand and leads him into his apartment. He follows, and they end up on the bed. He doesn’t know what to do or what’s wrong, so he does what he thinks Hyunjin wants—climbs up on the bed and pulls him in a warm hug.
Hyunjin dissolves into hicuppy sobs into his shirt. He runs a hand through his hair, carding and smoothing out the tangled strands. Probably from him running his fingers through it because that’s what he does when he’s frustrated. His other hand rubs slow circles on his back. He doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t know if he wants him to—he’s going by the only reference he has: himself.
He doesn't know how much time passes, but Hyunjin’s breathing gets under control soon. He’s clutching at his shirt, sitting cross legged between Seungmin’s spread thighs. He heaves in a few short breaths, and at that point Seungmin is counting time to the beats of his heart. Forty beats and he’s unsticking himself, looking up at him. He smiles, and it takes everything in Seungmin to not kiss him right then.
“Sorry.” he rasps. He winces, clearing his throat with a cough. “Sorry.”
Seungmin thumbs at the wetness on his cheeks. He looks away for a moment, and then meets his eyes. “What’s wrong?” Seungmin asks, careful to keep his voice soft. He laces his fingers into Hyunjin’s and brings it up, kissing it gently. “Wanna tell me?”
“Bad day.” Hyunjin’s voice is muffled. “The customers were shit and my manager isn’t letting me take any days off because I missed a few days last month. Because I was sick! And I have so many assignments to do, and I don't know how and when to complete anything and I feel—” his voice breaks, tears brimming in his eyes. “—so fucking tired. I don’t have time to do anything else except study and I want to spend time with you, but I’m always stressed and—”
“Breathe.”
Hyunjin takes in a sharp breath, a low wheeze in his throat. Seungmin’s arms tighten around him.
“My mom called in the morning, and—and god, I couldn't focus on anything the whole day. She said she’s visiting next week.” his eyes turn sad, and he—Seungmin hates that look so much. He doesn't know what to do, but he listens when he speaks. He’s so open with him, it scares him sometimes—and then he remembers that Hyunjin likes him back. “Well. She isn’t like—she’s not very happy with me. With—” he hesitates.
“Me.” Seungmin completes for him. He’d expected that. His parents couldn’t care less, so he wouldn’t know. Hyunjin looks guilty beyond belief, and he can’t for the life of him understand why. He asks. Hyunjin flushes at being caught, but doesn’t shy away from the truth. “I feel like you wouldn’t like the baggage. Like, it’d be so much easier to date someone who’s parents aren’t like, so homophobic that they’d threaten their son.” Hyunjin laughs. Seungmin can’t take it anymore, so he moves forward and kisses him on the mouth.
It draws a surprised gasp from Hyunjin, but he kisses back, relaxing. Seungmin tries to tell him—but he has no idea how to convert the abstract thoughts parading his head into coherent words or actions, but he knows that Hyunjin likes to be kissed. So he works on the available information, right? That’s what he’s supposed to do. He pulls away, Hyunjin’s eyes remain closed. He flutters them open when Seungmin brushes away the hair sticking to his face.
“Would you date someone else just because it’d be easier?” Seungmin asks. Hyunjin’s eyes widen, and he decidedly shakes his head. He realizes what he’s getting at and lowers his eyes. “Exactly. I don’t care about that.” and his heart thumps in his chest so loudly that it’s a wonder his words aren’t being drowned out. “I’m dating you because I like you. I’m your boyfriend because I like you. I don’t care about baggage. Your parents’ faults are not your own to bear.”
“Fuck.” Hyunjin breathes out, but he looks happier. Grateful. He loops his arms around his neck, pressing them so close together that Seungmin loses his breath. “You’re the best.”
“I’m your boyfriend.” Seungmin says, letting himself be hugged. He’s always so warm. He wonders if that’ll be a problem in the long term. God, he really hopes he makes it to the point where it becomes a long-term arrangement to share beds and hug to sleep and—and Seungmin doesn’t know when he started thinking things like that. They’re not even a year in and he’s already—
“Yes.” Hyunjin says. “That’s the reason. You know exactly what to say, huh? You know how to make me work harder for my next deadline after I miss one. You make me put my best in assignments even though I'm sick and tired —” Seungmin laughs. “—of them. You’re the reason I'm still living and breathing before exams. Like, I don't need to cram because you’re always studying when I come over, and that makes me study as well. What kind of sorcerer are you?”
Seungmin’s laughing, and he’s hardly holding himself inside the cage that is Hyunjin's arms. “Just your regular boyfriend kind.”
“Damn right.” Hyunjin grins. He kisses him. Seungmin forgets what they were talking about. “Thank you for—” he pauses, then his eyes crinkle up. “Thank you.”
Hyunjin presses him to the headboard with a hand on his chest. His back hits cold wood, shuddering even though a hot mouth is insistently pressing forward into his. Every inch of his body feels like it’s on fire, every nerve ending alight and burning with every brush of skin against skin. With every swipe of Hyunjin’s tongue against his lips, with the hands gripping onto his shirt hard enough to rip.
Knees plant into the sheets, and Hyunjin’s leaning over. Cradling his head with his palm, not once unlatching his lips. He’s hungry about it, like he’ll never get enough of it—of him. Seungmin can’t do anything more than tilt his head and allow him, helpless in the face of such overwhelming desperation as Hyunjin shows. His knees squeeze in till Seungmin is trapped under him, the breath punching out of his chest when he presses stubbornly closer.
“Hyunjin,” he’s panting for air, and he’s breathless when he opens his eyes. Hair matted to a sweat slicked forehead, a high flush on his cheeks. Hyunjin’s breathing heavily, eyes as dazed as he feels. His gaze stays fixed to Seungmin’s lips in unyielding focus, the want so clearly present that Seungmin aches. “Hyunjin—”
“Please.” it’s more air than word. His eyes widen at the desperate sound. Hyunjin’s brows are drawn together, body trembling where he’s completely folded to fit into his lap. Seungmin trails a hand up, resting it at the base of his neck. He presses a thumb to the side, gentle, eyes fixed to his face. Hyunjin’s eyes fall shut when he applies pressure—just the slightest bit, and then quickly retracts his hand.
Hyunjin doesn’t let up. He opens his eyes, and he looks away. When he refuses to meet his gaze, there’s a finger on his chin tilting his face up. Hyunjin is taller than him, especially like this, and he has both arms wrapped around his neck to support himself. Seungmin swallows when their eyes meet.
“Seungmin.” he’s saying, and he hears it muffled. The spots Hyunjin touches tingle. His whole body tingles with want, with need. Hyunjin mirrors it right back, pressing his mouth to his. Seungmin takes over, swiping a tongue across the seam of his lips and licking into the crevice. He pries his mouth open with his tongue, relishing in the broken noise that escapes his boyfriend. He brings a hand to his back and pulls him closer, holding him in place.
“I—I, Seungmin, I want—” he gasps when teeth graze over his bitten lips, red and swollen and sensitive with abuse. He hums in acknowledgement and helps himself to another nibble to his bottom lip, and to his surprise, Hyunjin jerks in his hold. Movements all jerky and desperate. Eyes wild with want, flushed and panting. He whines low in his throat, and it makes Seungmin smile. “Please. Please.”
“What are you saying please to?” Seungmin asks, even though he knows. They haven’t done this. Haven’t done more. Seungmin can’t look him in the eyes half the time, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself whenever Hyunjin kisses him. Whenever the implication hangs in the air, he simultaneously pulls away and presses closer, feeling guilty, but Hyunjin understands. Hyunjin understands without words, always.
He inhales shakily. His head spins. He’s the reason Hyunjin is reduced to this. He’s the one Hyunjin is asking for. He’s the one who gets to have him like this, close enough to count every lash. He can’t stop the smile on his face that blooms when he looks him full in the face. Hyunjin’s face turns shy, he fidgets with the collar of Seungmin’s shirt. Squirms, thighs pressing to his and feeling the muscles flex whenever he moves.
“Please.” Hyunjin repeats softly. He sighs when he kisses the corner of his lips. “Want you.”
Hyunjin wants him. Hyunjin wants him. Seungmin is barely functioning at the moment, but he manages to let out a half choked, “you have me.” He sees the way his eyes brighten, before soft lips kiss his mouth. Trailing away slowly, he lets the angle become messy. Seungmin lets him do what he wants, hands flexing over his waist. Hyunjin kisses down his jaw, stopping every few or so seconds. His hands shift, roam around restlessly. All over his chest, torso, back. Hands caress over the folds of his shirt, moving down.
Hyunjin’s voice is shaky. “Is this okay?” Seungmin looks between them, the heat of their still clothed bodies settling in the air around them. His vision narrowed down to the boy towering over him, hands trembling. He has him. He still has him. He nods in reply, feeling the way he resumes kissing along his neck at the affirmation.
Cool air hits the skin of his back when his shirt is peeled up. He shivers when Hyunjin’s hands replace the cloth, palm flattening over the curve of his back. Seungmin lets his head fall back when he kisses his pulse point, a shudder wracking his body. His body tenses under Hyunjin, and he feels the shaky breath hitting his skin. He glances down and sees Hyunjin looking up at him, eyes wide and expression nothing short of reverent.
Hyunjin flushes when he doesn’t look away, instead raises an eyebrow in question. He smiles slightly.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, so soft that he almost doesn’t hear it. He doesn’t hear it, actually. He can’t over the white noise that bursts in his mind. He almost shakes his head, but then remembers back to the aggressive way Hyunjin had shut him up—with a kiss—when he’d dared to correct him. He does the same thing right now. Kissing him softly. “Shut up. Don’t say anything.”
“Okay.” Seungmin replies, just to be cheeky.
Hyunjin rolls his eyes. The fight drains out of him when he mouths along the side of his neck. Teeth graze against skin. Seungmin kind of wants to get out of his clothes already, and kind of doesn’t. He doesn’t know how to deal with Hyunjin’s adoration. He doesn’t know how he’ll be able to stand his eyes on his naked body without burning out of his skin with the searing heat of his gaze.
A soft noise escapes him. Hot electricity skitters under his skin, branching from the point Hyunjin licks against. He barely has time to file it away for the future when he’s repeating the action, tonguing around a spot of skin. Sucking out, making Seungmin gasp as the skin numbs. He works marks into his skin, alternating between licking and sucking in haphazard intervals.
“Hyunjin—fuck, ah—” he lets go. Seungmin breathes in as the hot warmth against this neck disappears, only to be replaced with his hand. He’s pulling his shirt up with his other hand. He shifts in his lap—and there’s no way he can’t tell. Hooded eyes lower down to meet his gaze. All intense. Eyes flickering all over his face. Seungmin doesn’t try to hide, forcing himself to let go of his embarrassment because Hyunjin likes looking at him.
“I want you.” he says, firm. He wants him. He wants him. “So much. I don’t know why you—Seungmin, I can't explain how ridiculous it is. That you think that I don't—that I wouldn't want you.” Seungmin doesn’t say anything. He can’t stop thinking about how serious he sounds. “Don’t pull away. Please.”
His chest clenches. “I’m sorry.”
“No. Listen to me.” Hyunjin says, lips hovering over his. Brushing against them when he speaks. “I know you hesitate. That’s okay. But you—how could I not want you? I want to be selfish, Seungmin. I want to belong to you. I want you to be mine. Only me. I want you to look at only me. I want to be with you. As long as you allow me to. I want you, Seungmin. Not just your body. I want all of you. And I want to give you my heart. I want to be yours.” Hyunjin thumbs over his cheek. “Is it too much? Is it too selfish? You can tell me.”
What Seungmin wants to say is: I want to be yours too. Your mouth is all I think about these days. I stay up thinking of the way your hair falls over your eyes. The way your hand fits into mine. The way you make hearts in the sand. The photos you took of me. So much in the world to be scared of, and fear of belonging to you is the one that brings me to my ruin. I believe you. It’s still early for this, but I believe you.
Hyunjin, I think I’m in love with you—and the prospect of saying that out loud terrifies him. To look into his eyes and feel his soul stripped bare in those three words. To see the wide smile blooming on Hyunjin’s face and fall harder, faster. He’s doing all of the pulling away unconsciously. He wants to be Hyunjin’s. He wants to be his.
Instead, he laughs. Hyunjin’s fingers are on his face, and he realizes that he let the tears slip. Hyunjin’s looking at him intently, a little concerned, a lot adoring. He can’t fathom being so open. It’s what he loves about Hyunjin. He’s not scared of anything. He’s the bravest person he’s ever known. It takes courage to be vulnerable and Seungmin doesn't have it.
“I want you too.” he tells him, begging for him to understand. I think I love you. Is that too much? Then he adds, in a much quieter voice. “You don’t have to ask. I’m already yours.”
“Have you ever thought about moving in together?” Hyunjin asks when he comes and sits beside him on the bed. He’s half naked, in his underwear. The miles and miles of exposed skin leaves him a little breathless, the urge to drop to his knees surging up out of nowhere. Wow.
Seungmin drops his tablet to the bed. He rolls over, Hyunjin folds his legs and pushes himself back so that he’s leaning into his pillow. Seungmin makes space for him. Hyunjin spares a glance at his laptop. He’s wearing a thoughtful expression. Even after all this time, he manages to take his breath away by just coming into his room and making his presence known. Seungmin thinks about his question. He shakes his head. “Not really. What brought this on?”
Hyunjin shrugs. “I’ve been thinking about it. You haven’t thought about it before—I want you to think about it now. How does it sound?”
Seungmin can’t find it in himself to reply. He wants to move in with him. He wants to live with him, knowing how big of a step that is, what that implies. Hyunjin wants to live with him. It’s a heady thought—to be able to share a living space together. Quietly enjoying each other’s presence, as they always do. Being able to sleep with his arms around him whenever he wants, being able to breathe in his cologne every moment of the day. His head reels.
“That’d be nice.” he finally chokes out. Hyunjin beams. His toe nudges closer to his own. He watches his foot hook over his ankle, the comforter twisted around his leg. He pokes a toe to his foot, and Seungmin makes a noise. He does it again, and Seungmin has to fight back when he doesn’t stop. Hyunjin gets his victory when he accepts his fate with an exaggerated sigh. He pulls himself closer till he’s plastered to Seungmin’s side. Hyunjin hums in reply, throwing a hand around his waist and squishing his cheek to his arm. Heat radiates from his body and Seungmin wonders they’ll make sleeping together work with their body temperature differences.
Silence except the tapping of Seungmin’s keyboard settles over. He doesn’t have to look to know that Hyunjin’s eyes are closed, his breathing already evened out and heavy. He’s surprised when he shifts and suddenly looks up. His eyes are wide, albeit clouded with sleep. “Are you mad at me?”
Seungmin frowns. “Why would I be mad at you?”
Hyunjin shifts. Hesitating. “Dunno. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. It’s still early for that, isn’t it? I just thought about it, I don't, like, expect us to get an apartment tomorrow. Or you can tell me if you don’t want to.'' Seungmin sees him worrying at his lip, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Seungmin’s shirt on him. He breathes out. “Sorry.”
Seungmin puts his laptop away. He tilts Hyunjin’s head up with a finger on his chin and kisses him. When he pulls away, Hyunjin is all flustered and adorably wide eyed, like he can’t believe Seungmin kissed him. Like Seungmin isn’t completely obsessed with his boyfriend. “Don’t say sorry.” he tells him. “I didn’t think you’d want to, honestly. You know I don't hope too much.”
“You’re such a pessimist.” Hyunjin complains. He’s smiling. “Would it kill you to stop acting like the world is ending tomorrow?”
“Yes.” Seungmin says. He reaches out till Hyunjin’s own spans over his own, wide fingers splayed out over his hand. “I’ll think about it.”
And he finds it in himself to go to him after two weeks, laptop displaying an open notes page listing apartments in the cheaper part of the city and comparing furnishings and facilities. Distance from their college, distance from the market and access to the main city. It’s a big step, and Seungmin will be damned if he doesn’t draw every move up. Hyunjin takes the laptop from him, a little confused, eyes wide.
“There’s still work left to do. I’ll pick out the ones I think would be perfect, and you can do the same when you get time. I want to have your choice in the list too. Then we can sit down and compare. How does that sound?” he has money in his savings from all his internships and undertaking projects with educational institutions. Hyunjin has his money from his lab assistant job. If they pool it together, it’ll be more than enough to cover furnishing costs and pay off later.
He laughs when Hyunjin puts his laptop away hurriedly and kisses him on the mouth. Within seconds he has a lap full of an excited boy, dizzy and giggly as he pecks his lips. Eyes pulled up into crescents, brighter than the moon they sometimes stay watching and talking about. “I love you.” Hyunjin tells him, so happy. Seungmin likes his best like this, when he’s so happy that he outshines everything else. It doesn’t even take much. Seungmin blinks to push back the dampness threatening to spill. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you.”
“Hyunjin.” he breathes out, always saying his name to let the reality of this hit him over and over again. He smiles, vision blurry. He knows how helplessly fond he must look at the moment, but he finds that he doesn’t really… care. He deserves to know his adoration too.
“Hyunjin,” he murmurs, brushes the messy bedhead of his. “My Hyunjin. I love you, I just—I do. I really do.”
“I know.” Hyunjin tells him, shifting till he’s snuggly fit into his lap, arms around his neck. Kissing him, his voice goes soft. “I know, Minnie. You may not be as upfront about it, but I see it. When you told my mom why you liked me. When you’d buy me food when I had to stay back. When you messaged my professors about my class material when I was sick. When you tutored me because I didn't understand anything and didn’t make fun of me— I know, Seungmin. I know you care.”
Seungmin swallows. “I do care. Of course I care.”
“Good.” Hyunjin says. He waits for a second, and then kisses him—slotting their lips together in a languid kiss that has Seungmin’s grip on his waist tightening immediately. But not before a soft: “that’s all I ever want.”
He hears his name under frantic syllables and turned up pitch, but it doesn’t register it. One moment he’s on the floor, crying and shaking, next moment he’s on the bed with a pair of arms around him. Hyunjin hugs him to his chest, hushing him in a choked-up voice. Seungmin pushes him away automatically, making himself sit up properly.
His voice is rough and dry when he speaks. “What happened?” He’s sure he looks as confused as he feels. Hyunjin doesn’t make any move to wipe away the tear that slips down his cheek. “You were having a nightmare?” he says, more like a question. “I think. I don’t—I was sleeping, and you—you—” he pauses, hesitating.
His throat is unbearably dry. He coughs, looking away. Hyunjin quickly leans over the nightstand where the lamp is switched on. He hands him a bottle of water. Seungmin uncaps it and drinks from it in silence. He can feel eyes on him, clearly asking for an explanation. He knows that. He just doesn’t know how to breach the topic.
“Do you want to tell me?” Hyunjin carefully asks. His hands are on his shoulders, at the base of his neck. He doesn’t know what to do or say, how to look him in the eyes. He’s close to crying, his breath sticking painfully to his throat. His chest hurts every time he inhales, and even the sound of his heart seems too loud in the quiet room. Hyunjin looks as upset as he feels, except he knows why. He opens his arms wide and ushers Seungmin in. “Love. Please let me hug you.”
Seungmin wordlessly moves into his arms. The moment he does, the dam breaks. He breathes in Hyunjin, and his grip on his shoulder tightens. In a moment, he’s pressing himself closer to him, burying his face into the side of his neck to hide his face. Hands brush back his hair, combing the hair at his neck. Hyunjin’s soft voice washes over him, but he’s too busy trying to let out his frustration of having another nightmare again. He’d thought it stopped.
“It’s okay.” Hyunjin whispers into his hair. “You’re safe. You’re safe here, love. Let it out.” And Seungmin does, clutches at him like he’ll die if he lets go. He can’t breathe proper and the position is starting to strain his legs, but he can’t feel any of that. He lets out choked sobs, hiding his face and trying to ignore how embarrassed he feels for breaking down like this. Hyunjin never lets go, adjusting him so that he’s sitting on his thighs. His lips nudge gentle open-mouthed kisses to the side of his neck, hands soothing over his back.
“I’m fine.” Seungmin manages to say when he’s somewhat calmed down. He half-heartedly pushes himself away, averting his eyes. Hyunjin stubbornly holds him tighter. He can’t bear to look into his eyes, knowing all the worry he’ll find. He shouldn’t make him worry. He shouldn’t make anyone worry. “Hyunjin, I’m fine. You can let go.”
He shuts his eyes for a long second and Seungmin finds the courage to look at his face. He’s been crying too. He hadn’t noticed that but—he made him cry again. Automatically he reaches up and wipes the wetness away, comforting him engraved into the reason he’s here in the first place. Hyunjin catches him by the wrist when he’s about to draw away, leaning into his hand. Eyes uncharacteristically grave. Seungmin swallows back the lump in his throat when their eyes meet.
“You’re not fine.” Hyunjin says quietly. His eyelashes flutter rapidly. He’s holding himself back from crying. “You’re not fine! I don’t ask you about it, and you don’t tell me about it and you go through the day pretending but—” his voice turns louder, more desperate. “—I’m not dumb, Seungmin. Do you really think I pay so little attention to my boyfriend that I wouldn’t know? If you never tell me what’s wrong, I’ll never know. I’ll spend my life not knowing you. I want to be—I just want to—” Seungmin hangs his head, leaning against his chest. His voice breaks. “ I want you to be happy. That’s all I want, so please—”
“You wouldn’t like it.” Seungmin manages. “What’s there to say? I don’t remember half of it. The nightmares had stopped. I didn’t think it’d happen again.” he feels Hyunjin’s breath against his neck, uneven puffs of hot air. “Why do you—I don’t understand why you want to know so bad. It isn’t a big deal.”
“Because I love you, you fucking idiot. ” Seungmin pulls himself away and looks up. Hyunjin’s eyes are fierce, a certain fire in them that he rarely sees when he’s the one he’s talking to. He jabs a finger to his chest, but it’s half hearted. Seungmin jerks back on instinct. “Because I don’t know how to take care of you if you don’t tell me what you’re going through! It’s that simple. Because I want to be with you. Because you deserve to be comforted and loved and fucking adored, you—”
“Don’t you dare say it’s not a big deal.” he continues, quieter now. He cradles his head with his right hand and places a small kiss to his cheek. He loves him. He loves him so much. He turns his head and kisses him for real, the kiss salty and a little sad. Hyunjin smiles into it, but he knows that he’s not entirely let off the hook yet.
“I’ll tell you, I promise.” he says against his mouth. “I will. Just not now. For now I just want to—” he hesitates. I want to be taken care of. I want you to kiss all the bad things away till I entirely believe that being with you is the only place in the world. That nothing has to end and we’ll all be safe and nothing will change. How can he just say that out loud, though? “I want—”
Hyunjin cuts him off. He must’ve seen his struggle on his face. “Yeah. Tell me.” He’s slotting their mouths together, deepening the kiss. Hyunjin is trembling under him, and he just feels so bad. But then he reminds himself that he wants to know. That he will accept him when he’s strong and when he’s vulnerable. “Tell me, Seungmin. I’ll give you anything. Everything. Just tell me.”
“Hate it when you cry, Hyunnie.” he softly says. Hyunjin smiles, tender and beautiful. The tears have already disappeared, and he can pretend that they never were there. “Sorry for making you sad.”
“Hyung,” Hyunjin says firmly. Seungmin shivers. “None of that. I’m not sad. I just want to help, okay? You could never make me sad.” he pokes him on the sternum. “Annoyed at your cuteness maybe, but never sad.”
Seungmin laughs, pulling at him for a kiss. There’s a prominent flush on Hyunjin’s cheeks, enhanced in the golden lamp light. He still wonders why he gets so flustered when Seungmin initiates the kissing. Hyunjin kisses him all the time, but the only time he gets such a strong reaction from just kissing him is when he initiates it. He noses at his cheek. “I want you to take care of me. Don’t want to think about anything else. Just you. Think you can do that?”
Hyunjin looks surprised, but he’s nodding immediately. “Of course.” he’s replying, in his honeyed voice. “Of course, Hyung. I’ll do anything for you. Tell me what to do?”
He kisses his neck, right over his pulse point. Feels his pulse jump. Hyunjin wants him so much and with such unfaltering intensity that it makes him dizzy. “Kiss me,” he tells him, bringing their hands together. Hyunjin likes holding his hand whenever they’re together. “Just kiss me.”
It’s Seungmin who presses him to their front door the moment it slams shut, surprisingly. A whole night of crowds and drinks and flashing lights; he can’t be blamed for the way he pins his mouth to Hyunjin’s, pouring hours' worth of longing into the kiss.
Hyunjin doesn’t bother to keep up. He lets his mouth fall open, moaning loud right into his ear. Seungmin doesn’t know what takes over him when he licks into his mouth, hungry and desperate and starved. He knows the whimper Hyunjin lets out is going to haunt him for weeks. There’s a simmering fire in his chest, growing whiter and hotter with every noise his boyfriend makes.
When he pulls away, Hyunjin melts back into the wall, a slow smile growing on his face. He looks surprised too, and he very well knows why. They haven’t switched on the hallway light but they always leave the kitchen light on. Hyunjin’s face glows in the dull light, the flush visible even though he has to strain his eyes to see. His hands twitch against his chest, and he leans closer. “Impatient, are we?”
“Of course.” Seungmin replies easily. “You look so hot.”
Hyunjin looks away, but he’s smiling. Over so much time spent together, Seungmin’s learned to voice his desire out better. It’s worth it when he gets Hyunjin beaming at him over a simple compliment. Anything’s worth it if he gets to see Hyunjin smile, all bright and dazzling, equally lucent to the moon that peaks in through their windows when they make love.
“Well, you have me now.” Hyunjin says, teasing. “What’re you going to do, huh?” Seungmin doesn’t reply. He presses his knee forward, slipping it into the little gap of Hyunjin's thighs. He jerks with a moan, melting forward against him and barely anchoring himself using his hands on Seungmin's neck.
Seungmin pushes himself closer, freeing one hand to swiftly grab both his wrists. He drags them upwards and digs the heel of his palm into his hands. Pinning them to the wall. Hyunjin's eyes have fallen to a half mast, a whine in his throat as his back arches yet again. And he looks so pretty like this, is all Seungmin can think at the moment.
“Seungmin—” he drags it out and lets it taper into a moan. “Fuck. Oh fuck. If you don’t let me blow you right now I'll cry .'' The threat startles a laugh out of Seungmin who, hopelessly fond, leans forward and kisses the corner of his mouth. Hyunjin’s eyes are fixed to his lips, and he curls them into a smile. “Baby,” Hyunjin complains. “Don’t tease.”
“Who, me?” Seungmin replies, nipping at a bit of sensitive skin under his jaw. He can’t see them but he’s sure that there are fading marks spread over his neck and chest. He’s discovered he has a thing for putting marks on Hyunjin early on, and his boyfriend indulges him most gratefully. “I would never.” Hyunjin’s hands twitch as if he’s going to tug them away. They both know that he doesn’t want to. “Who’s the impatient one now?”
“Me.” Hyunjin replies without missing a beat. “Always me, Hyung. Need you so bad, Seungmin, don’t you—” he sucks in a sharp breath. Seungmin lets go of his hands, but he keeps them above his head. Doe eyes peer up at him, asking to be pushed down and around. He both hates and loves the temptation Hyunjin can bring out of him. At first it felt wrong to ask him for anything, and he’d keep himself repressed till Hyunjin approached him. Nowadays all it takes is a few seconds of a heated kiss and Hyunjin will ask him if he wants him.
“—don’t you want me too? Don’t you want me, Seungminnie?” They both know that he’s teasing. His hands fumble against his collar, slipping under the pale shirt that’s clearly Hyunjin’s. Hot fingers skim over his chest, and that white fire that whispers in his ear and tells him to carry him to the bed returns. All raw and primal desire, like Seungmin really just becomes crazy—with either love or lust—whenever he’s around. How can a single person bring so much emotion out of him? He has no idea.
“Of course I want you.” Seungmin murmurs. Hyunjin shudders, a small noise under his breath. “Of course I want you, my love. What do you want? Or maybe—” he pretends to think, watching the way he’s nibbling at his lip, anticipating. He kisses him. “Don’t chew on your lips.”
“Sorry.” Hyunjin admonishes softly. Seungmin continues. “Or maybe you want me to tell you what to do? Hm? Tell you to get down on your knees and look up at me? Maybe I'll order you around a bit and pull on your hair, just enough to make it hurt.” He watches the way Hyunjin’s eyes blow wide. “Hmmm?”
Hyunjin whines under his breath, trying to slow his heaving chest down. He can almost hear the way his heart beats—all fast and staticky—if he concentrates hard enough. He glances up at Seungmin, flushes immediately. Seungmin reverts to watching his face in the soft light, and he’s thinking, god, I fucking love him. I hope we can stay like this. I hope this doesn’t fade. I really hope this feeling doesn’t fade.
“Fuck.” Hyunjin drags it out, voice raspy. They haven’t even done anything. He used to ask if he was— “too desperate, or something, I don't know. You can tell me if I shouldn’t be so clingy”—and Seungmin had kissed him, wondering how he got so lucky. Affection from Hyunjin doesn’t usually bother him, but sometimes he doesn’t want anyone around. Sometimes he wonders what it’d be like if he could be upset without worrying Hyunjin, but then he stops and scolds himself for ever thinking that.
“Please, Seungmin, I—I want to. I want to—please let me.” Seungmin makes him meet his gaze. “Let you what?”
He doesn’t know why Hyunjin makes the noise he does, but then again he never really understands why he wants him so much. He’s somewhat managed to understand it over the years, but sometimes—sometimes Hyunjin makes a noise as needy as this one, and he wonders why. He knows that he’s handsome, yes, but he’ll never be able to raise himself to the pedestal Hyunjin always insists on putting him on.
“Make me kneel for you, baby.” Hyunjin’s voice drops a few registers. His eyes are half lidded, pupils blown into wide pools of deep dark desire. Seungmin sometimes zones in into his eyes and sees himself shining in them. Is that how Hyunjin sees him? When there’s love and adoration and desire pooling in crystal obsidian, and he’s right in the middle of it—is that how Hyunjin sees him? “Make me get down on my knees for you, make me take your cock. Fuck my face. I—please, won’t you?”
Seungmin lets out a groan and sees him smile. He shakes his head gruffly. “On your knees, darling.”
The thump that echoes through the hall sounds downright painful, but Hyunjin pays it no mind. His hands automatically reach out and paw at his thighs. Seungmin runs fingers through his hair, watching the way his eyes flutter shut. He messes up the carefully styled hair, knowing that they’re going to sleep after this anyway.
The way his face slips into bliss whenever he tells him to kneel is something he’s never quite managed to grasp.
Hyunjin stays by his side throughout the length of the party they’re at. He has a feeling it’s more because he didn’t really want to come here and Hyunjin was the one who convinced him to, and he’d feel bad leaving him alone. For now, he just shuts his eyes and leans back against the sofa, feeling warm fingers skittering up his arm and thumbing over his wrist.
He can hear Hyunjin talking to someone else. He catches bits and pieces of the conversation— “oh my god, I love your dress”, “oh, this is my boyfriend, (a poke to his cheek), he’s dead”—and he hears it all muffled. Over the party music blaring through the speakers. Jisung came over to talk to them with Jeongin awkwardly hovering in and out of their conversation. Seungmin had spent the entire time shooting knowing glances at Jisung.
When he opens his eyes again, the lights are distinctly lower. He glances at the boy beside him and finds Hyunjin's gaze already trained on him. Hyunjin flushes when he raises an eyebrow at him, genuinely confused. He just shakes his head and looks away, but not before pressing further into his body.
Even though parties aren’t really his thing, they are Hyunjin’s. He has fun there; he likes to talk to the people he’s become friends with. He likes to dance and let loose. Alcohol and dancing might not be Seungmin’s thing, but he discovers that he really likes watching Hyunjin progressively lose grip on his senses and end up koala-ed to his side. It’s another excuse for him to stare at his boyfriend when he’s smiling and happy, and another chance to pamper him.
He thinks he loves watching Hyunjin when he’s like this. When he’s chatting away with other people, a tipsy flush on his cheeks and always finding some way to slip Seungmin’s name into the conversation. Bickering with Jisung and being asked to pick sides. Downing glasses and having to say no every time Hyunjin offers him because one of them has to drive back home. Kissing away the pout on his lips but not before pulling him close, a little secret, because PDA makes him shy.
There’s a certain kind of intimacy of looking into the eyes of a lover when they’re focused on something else. Seungmin studies people through their eyes, because that’s what he does best—studying. Analysing. Drawing up theses. Doing that with Hyunjin is so difficult but he doesn’t… hate it. That’s what he likes best about him, he supposes, the fact that he can’t predict him. And he doesn’t want to, either, because he likes Hyunjin best when he gets glimpses of the fire that burns in him, warming everything around him.
Hyunjin jolts when the song changes. He turns to Seungmin, a large smile on his face as he leaps up. Stumbling a bit, and Seungmin helps him. He assumes he likes the song and wants to dance to it. Hyunjin steadies himself against him, and Seungmin leans up. Slips his phone out of his pocket, because he wants to film his boyfriend when he’s enjoying himself.
“Eyes on me, Seungminnie.” Hyunjin tells him, slurring over his words in drunken stupor. He touches their foreheads together for a moment. The flush on his face doesn’t do anything to dull the intensity of his gaze. Seungmin unknowingly swallows. “Watch me, Seungminnie, only me.”
Seungmin couldn’t look away even if he tried.
He films him, but he’s not looking at the phone. He’s looking right at his boyfriend, his Hyunjin, who’s walking up towards the compromised dance floor, swaying on his feet. His hands at his sides, wrists relaxed. Hyunjin is looking right at him when he turns around, a small smile teasing at his lips. Seungmin watches, breathless, as he moves, his eyes shutting and soaking the music in. Tilting his head back, letting him catch a secret flash of neck that’s begging to be marked up.
Seungmin doesn’t realise how dry his throat has become until he tries to swallow. This… he can’t say he’s had the privilege of being subjected to ethereal beauty in this lifetime, but as he watches Hyunjin, his lover, the person he sometimes wonders what he’s without—look like this. He, he—
He’s helpless as he watches the diaphanous swirl of the ribbon tucked in his hair. He’s helpless, breathless, on his hands and knees. This— him, watching Hyunjin is what being alive means. When he soaks up the moonlight and shines like this. And Seungmin is allowed to see him, really see him. He’s allowed to touch him and hold his hands and press the softest kisses to his forehead. He’s allowed to stare at him in the silence of mornings, under the stars, over a cup of coffee. He can see his eyes when they’re misted with tears, furiously blinking them away. And he’s allowed to hold him and tell him how amazing he is, and that he loves him, he loves him, he loves him—
He can’t look away. He can’t look away from his lover—and he’s allowed to say that too, and it's not a fantasy anymore. Everything he stayed awake wondering about Hyunjin, he knows him now. He knows what music he listens to. He knows that he’s picky about his food but eats everything Seungmin makes and that’s why he tries to cook for him as much as possible. He knows that he hates crying when he’s upset about something, but will easily cry when he’s happy or nostalgic. How large his heart, how he’s come to understand just how to hold it gently in his palms without bruising it.
If he had been feeling sleepy a while ago, all of that is wiped out in an instant. He tries not to be too affected by Hyunjin; he really does. To not make it just about attraction, because after meeting Hyunjin and being influenced by his views on love, he doesn’t think he can just boil it down to something so shallow.
There isn’t a name for the swelling of his lungs when he catches the smile on Hyunjin’s lips when he sleeps. There’s no name to the way Seungmin cares for him—so deeply, intensely, fiercely. The way he aches when he sees him devoid of his usual shine, the way he thinks he’d be perfectly happy if he died with his hand on his own.
Hyunjin’s smiling, a little lopsided. Warm fingers tangle with his collar, and he realizes that Hyunjin is closer than he was when he first started filming him. He can barely react to the mischievous glint in his eyes before he’s being pressed back into the sofa, lips on his.
Hyunjin hits the stop button on his phone as they kiss. His breath gets dragged away from him through his mouth where they’re joined, but he manages to pull at him. He tugs at his hand till he tumbles forward, all clumsy and giggly, into his lap.
Something inside him snaps when he sees him—messy hair, dark eyeshadow, all flushed and smiley—so close to his face, warm body curving to fit inside the space between them. He leans forward, pushing both hands up and placing them firm on his back to hold him in case the force of his desire accidentally pushes him off the couch. He captures his lips in a bruising kiss, a sharp gasp making itself known from Hyunjin.
His hands clutch around the collar of his shirt so hard that he fears it’ll tear. He ignores that, ignores the way Hyunjin is starting to squirm as they kiss. Instead, he focuses on ravishing his mouth with so much hunger that he surprises himself with it. Licking into his mouth, coaxing gasps and whimpers from Hyunjin while he just… lets him. It’s not a secret that Hyunjin loves it when he takes control, and he’s never really abused that knowledge to the best of its potential yet.
He slows down when Hyunjin starts pulling away. He pants, eyes staunchly fixed to his lips. Pretty little gasps fall from his lips, and Seungmin shakes as he holds himself back from grabbing his face. Hyunjin still looks a little surprised, but pleased. “You’re so hot like this.” Hyunjin tells him. Pleasure skitters down his spine just from his voice, and the fact that Hyunjin’s thighs are tightly pressed to his. “When you lose control. God, I—”
He cuts himself off, the slow kiss to his lips leaving him melting. He doesn’t hurry with it, moving his mouth against his like they have all the time in the world. And god, maybe they do. Maybe time really is pausing down in this space between, to help him live out his life when he’s so happy. Hyunjin’s love—it’s something he treasures more than anything else in the world. And when it’s so clear like this, when it bubbles up in this fiery ball of passion wrapped in gossamer threads—Seungmin wonders if he’ll ever be able to return so much of it back.
The room turns hot around him. His skin burns where Hyunjin touches him, light fingertip pads brushing over skin under his shirt. He’s only vaguely aware of the people around them. He forgot all about them when Hyunjin first smiled at him and got onto the dancefloor. All he knows for now is that Hyunjin loves him and he’s not going to leave so easily. All he registers is Hyunjin, hyper aware of every breath and beat of his heart.
Hyunjin breaks the kiss again. This time he just fixes his gaze on his face. Seungmin goes dizzy when he registers what the expression on his face is—fondness, adoration, love. God, there’s so much of it. He knows that. Hyunjin once stared at him with the same expression on his face after he gave him that lame handmade cassette, tears welling up in his eyes. There are no tears in his eyes right now, but he looks close anyway.
He already knows he’s going to tuck this moment away carefully. Gently. Because he adores moments like this, because he adores him so completely. All he can taste at this moment, and all he can breathe in is his life, beating and burning bright. Hyunjin takes in a deep breath, shaking his head. He makes a joke about how Seungmin hates PDA but keeps kissing him like his life depended on it, and all he can do is laugh.
Being here with Hyunjin, getting to spend so much of their lives together—it’s all enough for him. Being able to live this life that he’ll forget about someday or the other with Hyunjin, spending this part of his life with someone like him, feeling the impact Hyunjin has made and still continues to make, making him a better and more considerate person—he thinks he’ll be okay now.
Hyunjin is the closest to heaven he’ll ever be, and he’s okay with holding him close till he wants him to let go.
The breath gets knocked out of him when he says it. He hears it, of course, but he asks him to repeat it anyway. Just in case he slipped too far in his own haze and misheard it. Just in case he’s dreaming about being on the couch with him, legs tangled together and watching Hyunjin explain the premise of some show he’s picked up.
“Let’s go on a road trip.'' Hyunjin tells him. They’re in bed, his boyfriend’s body tightly intertwined to his own. Hyunjin’s in his underwear and Seungmin’s all dressed up, but he’s not sure how long that’s going to last, especially with the way his hands are squeezing at his thighs. “Wouldn’t that be nice? We’ve never visited places together.”
“Yeah.” Seungmin replies. His mind races. He swallows and tries to seem casual, tries to act like he isn’t thinking about them in a car together, windows open, singing along. The sunset on Hyunjin’s face that he keeps clicking photos of. Wind through his let down hair, leaned back against the passenger seat as they chat away. Drawing up budgets, comparing hotels and restaurants, making schedules. All the memories to be made. “That would be nice.”
“Yeah!” Hyunjin is excited about it. He’s seriously thinking about it too; he’s not just the one being delusional. “God, I love road trips. Our family went on one when I was in—grade six, I think? My music taste birthed from those hours of radio.” he sits up, looking at him. Eager. “I’ve always wanted to, but Minho was always too busy. Now I can go with you! Oh my god, it’ll be so fun. Seungmin, do you think—?”
“Yeah.” he says again. Hyunjin smiles. “Anything. Where do you have in mind? Cause, like, we need to know how much time we need and how many days on the road we’ll need to spend to reach the destination. Also, there’s gas and food money, then booking hotels, knowing where to visit—” he pauses. Hyunjin’s looking up at him, smiling widely. “Stuff like that.”
“It’ll be so fun.” Hyunjin repeats, reaching out for his phone. Seungmin is closer to the bedside table, so he hands it to him. He unlocks his phone. Seungmin always pretends like he doesn’t see his lockscreen—a photo from them on the beach they went to. He didn’t even know Hyunjin took photos of him that day. “Road trips are the best way to make memories.” A sweet smile blooms on his face. “I’m glad I get to make them with you.”
Heat creeps into his cheeks, but he’s trying to ignore that. He tries to take a teasing way out. “So sappy,” but then he adds sincerely, “I'm glad it’s with you too.”
Hyunjin palm finds his cheek. He pokes for a moment, before setting them against his skin, touch so light that he leans into it. It’s embarrassing to see the surprise in Hyunjin’s eyes, but it overrides the peace that always washes over him when they just lay together like this. Everything about this—wanting, asking for more, asking to stay—all of it. It’s embarrassing, but it makes Hyunjin happy so he doesn’t mind anymore.
Hyunjin leans down to press a sweet kiss to his lips. “So beautiful, Minnie.” he says. Seungmin blanks. He mumbles something about him suddenly being so sweet and laughs when Hyunjin pretends to be offended. “I’m always sweet to you.” he declares. A poke to his chest. He squirms. “I need to be sweet to my husband, don’t I?”
He’s teasing, he knows, but it doesn’t do anything to deter the furious flush that flames on his face. Huh. He tries not to let his thoughts run; he really does. But Hyunjin notices, of course. He stops short in the thought he was going to vocalise, only to look at Seungmin in all attentiveness. His voice turns quiet. “Is that—is that something you'd want?”
Seungmin appreciates the universe for giving him someone who doesn’t shy away from talking about feelings and everything else that comes with it because heaven knows it wouldn’t last a day if they both hated it. He likes being cornered like this, because that means he can admit his thoughts to himself and Hyunjin. Right now, though—he doesn’t know how to answer. And he can’t read Hyunjin’s face, he doesn't know what his answer would mean to him.
He does what he knows Hyunjin wants him to do. Be honest. His throat is dry when he speaks. “Yeah.” Hyunjin’s face doesn’t change. “I’d be lying if I say I haven't thought about it.”
Hyunjin lets out a puff of breath. He leans in close, touching their foreheads together. It always reminds him of the cat he nursed back to health when he was in high school. Hyunjin shuts his eyes, brows drawn together. When he opens them, Seungmin almost forgets to breathe.
“I’m going to marry you, Seungmin.” Hyunjin tells him, earnest and eyes shining. “Not right now but—someday. Someday. I swear I'm going to marry you.” Seungmin swallows hard, once, twice. It does nothing to dissipate the lump in his throat. God, he doesn’t want to cry but looking at Hyunjin’s eyes and seeing him look so happy at the prospect of—at the thought of having him forever…
“Hyunjin.” he barely croaks out. “My god, Hyunjin, you—you mean it?”
“Of course.” he says it so easily. He says it so easily. How does he make it seem so easy when the thought of even saying I love you would make his hands shake? When the thought of telling anyone that he cares for them seems too hard, makes him wonder how he can make it all seem casual and not let them see the heart that beats so furiously for the other person—how does Hyunjin make it so easy?
“I’m going to marry you so hard. ” Hyunjin bumps his nose into his cheek. “I’m going to be the sappiest husband ever. You know all the cheesy shit they show in those romance movies? All of that.” he grins. “I’m not letting go of you that easily, Seungminnie.”
“Good.” is all Seungmin manages before he’s kissing him, because he’ll say more than he’s allowed to if he keeps his mouth unoccupied for too long. Hyunjin slows him down through it, hands moving up and squeezing at his bicep. Languid pace, Hyunjin pulling him till he’s on top of him, legs tangled so tightly that he can’t possibly figure out whose body starts and ends where. Slow and sweet, because that’s how Hyunjin likes it, because he loves him and he wants to marry him too, because he wants to live and die with him, and wants to see the whole world with him.
The word love to Seungmin is simple: it’s taking care of Hyunjin. It’s making him happy. It’s keeping him safe. It’s staying up with him while he’s working hard on his research because he loves watching his face. It’s waking up at five and making coffee for him when he has to leave early, because he knows that Hyunjin needs it. It’s trying his best to communicate and set boundaries even though he’s terrified that it will make him leave, just because Hyunjin wants him to be comfortable. It’s seeing the world through Hyunjin's eyes, wondering what flower grows on the lined bushes in front of the bus stop, it’s taking pictures of everything and showing them to his boyfriend.
“I think about it all the time.” Hyunjin says when he pulls away. “Always coming home to you. Marking anniversaries. Going to shopping malls, libraries, photo booths. Having our own Halloween party just for the two of us.” Because Seungmin doesn’t like crowds. “Spending Christmas together, even though your commentary on holiday films kind of ruins the mood.” he laughs. Seungmin watches, spellbound. “Oh, beaches! Spending the summer in those hotels, the one you loved last time—wait.”
Hyunjin thinks. Seungmin shifts to support his weight on his elbows. “I know what I'm getting you for your birthday.” there’s a mischievous glint in his eyes. Seungmin feels nothing but fond through every cell of his body, till it manifests in the form of his gaze.
“Should I be scared?” Seungmin jokes, brushing a bit of hair away. His hair’s gotten so long. He’s always loved the way he styled his hair, but he particularly loves this messy bedhead of his that flops over his face whenever Hyunjin turns over to make himself comfortable. Seungmin often wakes up unable to breathe because of it, even though Hyunjin is starfished on the bed. He gets hot, and Seungmin will forbid air conditioning unless it’s summer.
“Of course you should.” Hyunjin says, eyes crescenting as he holds his smile back. “I’m so scary.” He makes a paw. “Rawr.”
“Oh god.” Seungmin shakes as he holds himself back from collapsing onto him just because he’s getting weak with silent laughter, and at everything Hyunjin has said a while ago. He genuinely can’t think of a time he’s not weak for him, so that says tons about his contrived personality. “If you make me say rawr too I'm going to pretend to die just to make you panic.”
Hyunjin cups his face with his palms, squishing at his cheeks with more force than what a normal act of affection should be. He can’t see with the way he’s holding him, so he closes his eyes. Hyunjin moves a bit too much, and Seungmin accepts his fate, tumbling down onto him. Hyunjin makes a surprised noise, which tapers into a loud laugh when he realizes. He immediately traps him (hugs him) till Seungmin has absolutely no hope of escaping.
“You do that.” Hyunjin says. “I’m going to kiss you and bring you back. Don’t go dying before I marry you.”
Right. They’re actually talking about it, huh. It seemed such a pipe dream even as recently as a week ago. When Seungmin turned to his side and found his boyfriend peacefully sleeping beside him, cheek smushed into the pillow, pout on his lips and drooling. The thought entered his mind slowly, the want to see him like that everyday because watching Hyunjin sleep—he thinks the peace he feels is something close to what religion seeks through millenia.
A thought enters his mind. He entertains it. Hyunjin tilts his head at him because he knows that he’s contemplating saying it. “Do you think I'll be a good husband?”
“Obviously.” Hyunjin replies. He noses along his jaw, and Seungmin tilts his head to the side. He feels him take in a deep breath. “You’d be the best husband, Seungmin. You’re so husband already, like, just look at you. You know how to cook already.” Seungmin snorts, and doesn’t slap his arm just because he can’t in that position. “Like, sometimes when you’re cooking, I really think, wow, it’s like we’re married. I mean, I think we sometimes act like a married couple. All my colleagues know you because I bring you to every event I get invited to. I bet people at your unit say the same thing, don’t they?”
“They do.” Seungmin answers. He’s private, but with the two friends he’s managed to make, he talks about Hyunjin quite a lot. He oftens drops by Seungmin’s building too, giving him lunch or a smile before he’s heading off. It’s like—it’s like their friends know that Hyunjin had his mind made up on marrying him.
And it’s so flattering , to say the least. He asks Hyunjin, somewhat hesitantly, if he’s really sure. Marriage is a big step to take, and the fact that Hyunjin has seriously thought about it is going to remain in his mind till they actually get married. It’s a miracle that he got this far, when he thinks about it. He knows that they’re going to wait till they’re completely stable in their own lives before taking that step, but now he won’t be able to look at him without hearing husband husband husband in his head.
“Well, yeah.” Hyunjin answers, matter of fact-ly. “I’m hoping, I guess. It’s okay if you’re not ready. It’s just a dream for now. We still have time left, don’t we?”
Seungmin knows that, but he still wants to do it as soon as possible even though logically he knows it’s impossible. Wow. Rational thinking was never in the question when Hyunjin is the one who’s solving the sum. He wonders what happened to him, what changed. He’s still analytical like before but when it comes to this—he’s learnt. He’s learnt how to do this.
He’s almost sure he can taste the green lights on Hyunjin’s lips when he leans up and kisses him. And throughout the night, all the time that Hyunjin's hand stays in his own and his noises carve themselves little shelves of memory in his brain, he swears his heart shakes. All this emotion that he won’t be able to put a name to except love—and even then it would fall short—all of that beating inside him when Hyunjin kisses him, feverish and warm like July nights they’ve made so many memories out of.
The Seungmin, I love you, I love you so much repeated again and again into the crook of his neck when he holds the love of his life tightly. The tears that cling to his skin even after he’s pulled away to thumb at his cheek and hold Hyunjin’s tired body to his chest. The sleepy smile he receives when he comes back after switching the bathroom lights off. The way Hyunjin will curl into himself like a cat so that Seungmin can hug him to sleep, palms flat on his beating heart.
It’s everything he imagined love must look like. In a world where he’s had his idea of love cut down and scorned at, this is everything he’s ever dared ask for and more. It’s not hard to make Hyunjin happy. As long as he keeps his heart open and continues to grow with him, he thinks it wouldn’t be that hard to make it work.
And he laughs when he realizes what he used to think—Kim Seungmin doesn’t fall in love. And he thinks he can burn that notion with the fire in Hyunjin’s eyes when he catches him looking and believe that he is desirable enough to be wanted.
To be loved.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am