Work Text:
"Can I entrust this to you, Horikawa-kun?"
"Yes, you can count on me. … But Ishikirimaru-san, isn't it better that you give this to Kane-san instead?"
"I can't. He doesn't like it when I speak of such a topic, so he wouldn't be happy if he was told what this is for."
"I see… I understand. I'll give it to him when the time comes."
"Thank you, Horikawa-kun."
"The First Unit has returned!"
A beam of light called forth the attention of Konnosuke and the swords on medical duty. They rushed to the altar, where the First Unit had just returned from a sortie in Aonogahara. There stood five swords.
And only five.
"Izuminokami is severely injured! Bring him to the infirmary, now!"
"Kane-san, hang in there!"
"Izuminokami-san! Stay awake!"
Izuminokami's eyes were open, but barely. His consciousness was slipping away, but he refused to close his eyes, or even blink. The tears that flowed from blue orbs kept them hydrated, so even if he didn't blink, it was fine for him. He could hear Yagen's voice with Kunihiro's, telling him to hang in there. Hirano's voice could be heard as well, telling him to stay awake. His mind drifted away, focused on a green cloth that wrapped around him warmly. As he thought about it more, the more tears welled up in his eyes.
"Ishikirimaru…"
Mutsunokami leaned against a pillar outside a room, sighing with one arm tucked in his robe, and another holding a bowl of porridge. He stared into the garden, briefly looking at the blooming lotuses before returning his gaze to the door.
It was his turn to check on Izuminokami and give him the same old food. What would be different? Certainly nothing. It had been three weeks since he and his fellow First Unit members rotated shifts to check in their captain, and all the results ended the same.
The uchigatana smacked himself. No, he had to stay positive! Surely something will change one day, right? Maybe Izuminokami will finally make conversation, even if just a word. He had been locked in there for so long, maybe he could convince him to go out for some sun instead of staying in the dark room for so long?
"Alright," Mutsunokami sighed, taking a deep breath, "I can do this! Just gotta talk to him and get his mind off of stuff!"
The determined man marched up to the door, bowl of porridge in hand, and knocked cheerily on the door.
"Yo, Izuminokami! I brought your food!"
There was no answer as always. Mutsunokami leaned in, ear against the door to listen if he got any sort of response. There was a very, very faint sound of feet walking heavily on the tatami mat. Even his walk sounded depressing.
The footsteps stopped. Mutsunokami leaned back, standing upright again, waiting for the door to open. Slowly but surely, the shoji door slid open a crack, and blue eyes gazed through the small opening, staring intensely, raven hair covering most of Izuminokami's face.
As usual, the uchigatana did not utter a word, but simply stared at the visitor. Just from that alone, Mutsunokami knew that he was asking why he was here.
"Here, your food," the eager sword said, bringing forth the warm bowl with both hands, "This time it's salmon instead of plain porridge!"
Once again, there was only silence. Izuminokami stared at the bowl in Mutsunokami's hands.
Then, the door shut, leaving him standing there with the bowl of porridge still in hand.
The uchigatana sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. Seeing that his mission failed, he walked away, returning to his fellow First Unit. There was really no use to getting Izuminokami to come out of his room, was there? Besides taking baths, the Shinsengumi sword had been holed up in the room that he and Ishikirimaru shared for three weeks, not letting anyone in. And who could blame him, after what happened in the battle in Aonogahara?
Mutsunokami wasn't there during the battle. Ishikirimaru had replaced him to follow along to the sortie. He remembered seeing them off; Izuminokami looked so happy to be with the oodachi ever since they were put into different teams to lead them, and Ishikirimaru was just as happy to be with his dearest again.
Though they left determined and cheerful, when the team came back, they were injured badly, with Izuminokami in severe condition. Not only that, they had left with six men in the team.
But when they returned, only five were seen.
And Ishikirimaru wasn't one of them.
When Izuminokami was being brought to the infirmary, he was wrapped in Ishikirimaru's bloodied robe. Whether it was the oodachi's blood or the severely injured uchigatana's blood, no one could tell. When Yagen tried to remove the green clothing to treat the wounds, Izuminokami pulled it back on, refusing to let go, not even budging. It took Tonbokiri and Nenekirimaru to hold him still for Yagen to take away the green robes and a whole lot of sedative to stop the uchigatana from struggling.
When Izuminokami awoke, he was in a trance. The atmosphere in the infirmary was heavy and tense, filled with anguish. The grief-stricken sword would stare off into the distance, out the window, still wrapped in Ishikirimaru's robe. No one could remove it from him, lest it sent the uchigatana into a fury of sorts. When his teammates came to visit him, he would not speak a single sword.
After a full recovery, Izuminokami locked himself away in the room that he and Ishikirimaru shared. No one heard anything from him since that day, as he had not spoken a single word at all. When they saw him, he was headed for a bath, only under the demands from Horikawa that he had to shower at some point. After that, he would return to his room, not to be seen again until the next time he bathed.
When Mutsunokami asked the rest of his team about what happened in the battle, they revealed that Ishikirimaru had died protecting Izuminokami from a yari. Their leader had witnessed the blade go right through his love, and the Touken Danshi died in his arms, disappearing into petals, leaving only his robe behind that he had lovingly wrapped around Izuminokami during his last moments.
Mutsu sighed. It must have been a jarring and brutal sight to see, for your loved one to die in your arms. It was worrisome to see Izuminokami in such a condition, staying in the dark room for an entire month, only ever coming out to take a bath.
When he returned to the lounge where his teammates rested, they could tell by the look on his face and the bowl in his hands that their captain was still in shambles.
"No luck, huh?" Atsushi said, leaning back with his palms on the floor. He sighed when he got a shake of the head from his uchigatana friend. "Man, we really need to do something."
"There's nothing we can do, is there?" Sayo said softly, absent-mindedly playing with a rubix cube in his hands, "He won't speak to anyone at all."
A heavy silence fell over the worried team. Horikawa's eyes moved to a certain part of the floor, staring intensely at it, wondering if he should give it to his partner at such a time. Remembering what Ishikirimaru said, he decided that it was indeed time to give it to Izuminokami.
He scooted towards the corner of the room, catching his entire's team's attention. When he opened up the floorboard, he got confused looks and soft gasps. From under the floorboards, he pulled out a dusty box and blew on it, wiping away the dust to reveal a beautiful and rather large ornate box with a folded up note attached to it.
"What is that?" Hirano asked, peeking around Horikawa's shoulder.
"A box that Ishikirimaru-san gave me a few months ago," Horikawa replied, putting the floorboard back, "He said it was a gift for Kane-san, and that I should give it to him should something like… this happen."
He got a solemn nod from the people in the room. With a deep sigh, he got to his feet with the box in his hands.
"I really hope whatever is inside this box doesn't make the situation worse…"
…
Izuminokami stared blankly into the ceiling, under the robe that Ishikirimaru left behind for him, his head void of thoughts. When something did come into mind, it was Ishikirimaru, smiling gently at him, holding his hand, cuddling with him. His hand went to the empty space beside him, hoping to feel the warmth of the oodachi's hand holding his, squeezing it gently and reassuringly as always, waiting for a kiss on his cheek.
But it never came.
His head became full of Ishikirimaru, and he hated it. He hated being reminded of his late boyfriend, always in his mind, the gentle voice in his head, speaking to him lovingly. And yet, he was too tired to be angry about it. He wasted away in his bed every single day, barely eating the food given to him.
He remembered his dreams. He would see Ishikirimaru in his dreams. At first, he would happily spend his time with his boyfriend as if nothing happened, going around the citadel with their usual lives, cuddling, eating some tea snacks together, laying under the warm sun in the fields, sitting under a tree, enjoying the summer breeze.
It always ended the same way. Two ways; Izuminokami would eventually remember that Ishikirimaru had died in front of him, but would be in denial about it and hugged Ishikirimaru closer, begging him not to go. Ishikirimaru would always disappear, and Izuminokami would wake up hugging tightly onto the pillow that Ishikirimaru slept on, with his scent still on it, tears soaking his own pillow.
The second way it would end was him reliving that moment when Ishikirimaru died in his arms. Even when in pain and entering death's door, Ishikirimaru smiled so gently and lovingly, taking off his green, torn robes and wrap it around the uchigatana, telling him he loved him and giving a final kiss on the lips before fading away into petals in his arms. When Izuminokami woke up, he would be crying again.
Tears came to his eyes again, and he wiped them away quickly. Liquid diamond streamed down his cheeks inevitably, like how it would go every day. He sat up, frustrated that he kept crying over Ishikirimaru. He wished he could forget him, so that he wouldn't have to suffer like this.
He stopped. Forget him? Forget Ishikirimaru? Izuminokami shook his head, unable to believe what just came to his mind. He slapped himself harshly for thinking about such a thing. How could he forget about all the moments he spent together with Ishikirimaru?
'Then again, it would be better to not remember at all, wouldn't it?'
Izuminokami stared at his legs, tears dripping onto the futon. He hated it. He hated how Ishikirimaru's death affected him. He, the cool and strong Izuminokami Kanesada, was in such a pathetic state. But even if he wanted to get up, he couldn't find the strength to do it. He missed Ishikirimaru dearly, wanting to see the calm, sleeping face of his loved one beside him when he woke up in the morning, to be held close, basking in the warmth of the sun while in a gentle hold.
A knock on his door interrupted him from his thoughts. A second visitor? Who was it?
"Kane-san, it's me."
Kunihiro. Izuminokami wondered what business the wakizashi had with him. Though he didn't have the heart to get up, he forced himself to do it, dragging his feet on the floor as he moved to the door, unlocking it and sliding it open, enough to have a peek of the outside world. When he looked out the door, he saw Horikawa holding a box for him.
"Here, Kane-san," his assistant said, handing over the box.
Izuminokami stared at it. Horikawa stood there awkwardly, waiting for the uchigatana to take it.
Then the door was closed, the box still in Horikawa's hands.
The wakizashi was slightly disappointed that Izuminokami did not take the box, but understood why. Perhaps if he told him that it was from Ishikiri, he would accept it. Horikawa knocked on the door again.
"Kane-san, the box is from Ishikirimaru-san."
The door was slid open again, quicker than usual. Izuminokami's eyes were wide, staring at the shorter man outside his door, then at the box in his hands.
"From Ishi…?"
Horikawa nodded. "Ishikirimaru-san told me to give this to you when… this happens." He brought forth the box again, hoping that Izuminokami would take it this time.
There was a moment of hesitation when Izuminokami reached for the box, pulling back just before he touched it. Then, he took the ornate box from Horikawa's hands, murmuring a word of thanks before closing the door again, shutting him out.
Inside the room, the Bakumatsu sword put the box on the futon, where he had spent most of his days. When he felt the weight of the box, it was rather light. He noticed the note attached to the top, reading "For Izumi" with a heart at the end. Tears sprang to blue eyes upon recognising the handwriting. Wondering what Ishikirimaru had to say, he opened the note.
[Izumi, how are you?]
Izuminokami went stiff.
[If you're reading this, chances are I'm not here anymore. I'm sure you're not doing so well if you have this note, right? Even so, please don't blame yourself for what happened, or blame anyone else.]
The handwriting and wording of the letter already had the uchigatana in tears just from reading it. He could hear the shinto sword's voice in his head.
[I know you must be suffering right now. I'm sorry that I have to leave you like this, but it was inevitable, no matter how careful one may be. I would chide myself for ever thinking of something like this would happen in the future, but this is the fate of a Touken Danshi.]
“Fate…" Izuminokami muttered, head in his hand, fingers tugging on his hair, "You idiot…"
[Izumi.]
The young sword stiffened more.
[For my sake, please take care of yourself. I know if this is given to you, you must be in a very dark place. I wouldn't want to see you wasting away in our room, refusing to do anything else. I want you to be healthy and happy, to move on from my death. I know it's easier said than done, but please, I would hate to see you like this. Look inside the box for something I left for you.]
That was how the letter ended. Izumi turned to the box once more, turning back to the letter for a brief moment to reread the last sentence. What could Ishikirimaru have left inside it that could let him move on? Putting the letter away, he flicked open the locks on the box and slowly lifted the lid.
He wasn't sure what he expected to see from the box, but to see a brown teddy bear wearing Ishikiri's clothes was certainly unexpected.
It was rather cute. The corner of Izuminokami's lips couldn't help but curl up at the sight, reminded of the time he told the holy sword that he was like a big teddy bear when hugging him. He picked it up, cradling it in his arms. Oddly enough, it even smelled like his husband. He noticed something attached to the bottom of the box, underneath the bear.
There were two pieces of paper. The first one that Izuminokami picked out seemed to be… instructions? He opened it, reading what was inside. It told him to… change the batteries in the bear once every three months? This made the uchigatana raise a brow at the statement. He looked at the bear again, wondering what the paper meant. When he continued reading it, it told him to press on either the left or right paw of the bear, and in the centre.
"What kind of teddy bear is this…?" Izuminokami murmured, pressing on the left paw of the bear.
"Hello, Izumi. Make sure to take care of yourself, okay?"
His entire body froze. The soft and gentle voice struck him deep. His mind went blank, unable to comprehend what he just heard. Wanting to know what else the bear would say, he pressed the right paw.
"Izumi, make sure not to skip out on your duties and exercise daily."
Izuminokami's hands shook, gripping tightly onto the bear. There was only the centre of the bear left to press. With his heart heavy, he pushed the small button inside.
"I love you, Izumi."
It broke him. Hearing Ishikirimaru's voice speak to him made him break into tears, pulling the teddy bear close, his tears soaked into the clothes. Again, he pressed the center of the bear, and that voice spoke to him once more. It resonated in his mind, in his heart.
He couldn't stop replaying that voice; it was so comforting to listen to, but it made him cry a waterfall of tears. He hadn't heard that sweet and gentle voice for only three weeks, but it was so painful. He had become so used to the daily words of endearment spoken to him that it was unusual not to hear a single "I love you."
"You idiot…" Izuminokami sobbed, trying to wipe away his tears with no avail, "I told you… I told you not to, and yet…"
He held the bear closer to his chest, taking deep breaths as he tried to regain his composure. It was a lovely gift, and it made him tear up when he remembered hearing that voice again. It has been so long since he heard Ishikirimaru's voice. His death cut him deeper than any wounds would ever do, and it would never, ever heal. He could not even take a single step forward to move on from his death.
But with this gift, Izuminokami could take just one step, and one step was a step nonetheless, even if it would take him years.