Archive of Our Own

“You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.”

- An excerpt from Crush by Richard Siken

“Vee.”

Vee adjusts the way he’s sitting on Wise’s bed, pulls more of their shared blanket towards himself.

“Ano yun?”, he turns to Wise.

There’s a movie playing on the TV. The room is dim except for the color-changing lights that make everything look hazier - more unreal - than usual. Beside Vee, flecks of gold and silver dance on Wise’s skin.

The boy isn’t looking at him, his eyes are trained on the movie - a pause - and then, 

“Vee, sila ba sa dulo?”

Vee turns to the screen again. The characters are on an empty road, and there’s a guy who likes a girl and a girl who also likes the guy. They don’t know that yet, though, they’re just in the first half of the film.

In the corner of the room, he sees both of them reflected in the mirror. 

Sila ba sa dulo?

The thought sits in the space between Vee and their reflection. It clings, like always, and Vee has to turn away before his thoughts dive into the deep end. Saturday nights aren’t for thinking about things like that. He pushes them down for now, puts a cork over the champagne bottle and settles for dealing with the mess on Sunday. Maybe Monday if he were lucky.

“Siguro hindi”, he says, voice a little far away.

Wise hums, and Vee watches as he rolls a kernel between his fingers, brows scrunched together and eyes a bit glassy, pensive. He knows that face. It’s the one Wise wears when he’s thinking of something he thought was important. He rarely sees it on the boy, especially when they’re with other people. Vee likes to think it’s one of those faces that Wise reserves for him - the kind he wants to keep secret from everyone except Vee.

“Parang ang lalim ata ng iniisip mo”, Vee asks, just to take his mind off of things he shouldn’t be thinking of. 

On the screen, the characters are laughing. They’re playing in the rain as if they were still the children they were 10 years ago - Before college happened and the girl had to move away while the boy stayed in their small town. It’s a story about growing up and love;  Forgetting, remembering, and eventually coming back, only to possibly drift apart again. 

Vee hasn’t seen it before but all things considered, it’d be a miracle if they ended up together.

“Ang sakit naman nun. Kung hindi sila magkakatuluyan”, Wise says.

He looked sad, lips pulled into a thin line. There are popcorn crumbs stuck to the corner of the boy’s lips from carelessly eating. Wise slowly brings another popcorn to his mouth, his attention solely on the movie. He misses his mouth, smearing more caramel on his lip. 

Vee’s hand twitches. He wants to wipe it off for him.

He squeezes his hands together - once, twice - just to shake the feeling off.

August, the boy in the movie, grabs Summer’s hand and drags them towards the nearest shed. The rain’s pouring harder and he’s worried Summer’s caught a cold from the way she sneezed a few times. They laugh even when they’re drenched to the bone. 

August tucks Summer’s hair behind her ears. She jolts, clearly surprised by the tender way he had touched her, but it melts into something else and she’s laughing again. 

She says something then places a chaste kiss onto August’s cheek. August says something, too, but Vee doesn’t understand. 

Long before August did anything, Vee’s eyes had already glided back to the boy beside him.

It’s subconscious, the way everything about Vee seems to always gravitate towards Wise.

This close, he can see every detail there is to see on Wise’s face. He’s soft in all the right edges, and then angular in some. He likes how his brows curve, how his hair frames his face, how his cheeks feel so soft whenever Wise would teasingly nuzzle into Vee’s neck. He loves all of Wise’s parts. So much that even if somebody forced him to, Vee doesn’t think he could ever hate anything about him.

In fact, he can’t remember a time where he didn’t like Wise. Only a time where Vee didn’t know he loved him. And it’s not a shock. In the years they’ve been friends, he’s seen a lot of people come and go. Lovers who were with Wise for a time, before they were replaced by another. There was rarely ever a time where nobody liked the boy. 

Because it’s the nature of being him. Wise is gravity - constant, magnetic, inevitable. People can’t help but like him. 

And Vee’s no different. Except, unlike everyone else who only loved Wise for a while, Vee’s loved him since forever.

His thoughts stutter. When Vee’s eyes refocus, his body is angled towards the boy - Wise is much closer than earlier. Somehow, in the time between then and now, he’s inched closer.

His body shivers a little.

Their arms touch where they were apart a second ago (or maybe a few minutes? Vee isn’t sure), knees knocking into each other from the proximity. It’s almost electric. Like small pinpricks of electricity where their skin brushes. 

Wise suddenly shifts in his seat. His leg slides against Vee’s - nonchalant but painfully slow - as he shifts down the bed, and lowers his head to rest on Vee’s shoulder.

“Okay lang ba ‘to?”, Wise says, voice barely above a whisper. He sounds softer than usual. Or maybe it’s their lack of distance making Vee hear things that weren’t there. Maybe it’s the loud beating of his heart playing tricks with his ears. Either. It doesn’t matter. Just that Wise sounded like the version of him Vee keeps in his dreams.

“W-”, he starts to say but then, a ghost of a shiver travels up Vee’s spine when Wise exhales a little too long, breath balmy against the skin of Vee’s neck.

His heart thumps loudly in his chest, half-prays Wise doesn’t feel it.

Vee clears his throat just to make sure his voice doesn’t break, “O- Oo… Okay lang.”

The movie continues playing on the TV but the sound is drowned by the pressing weight of Wise’s head nestled on Vee’s shoulder. The boy smells like soap, the kind that Vee buys for him because he’s never been the kind to remember buying things like that. The scent presses into Vee’s nose, and it makes his heart ache a little more.

They stay like that for a while, with Wise sticking to his side. The room is cold but they’re warm where they are, limbs touching under the thick blanket. For Vee, he’s warmer for other reasons but he tries not to dwell on that. Only reminded when scenes get especially emotional, and Wise sticks closer.

August
Haagen-Dazs?

Summer smiles, gingerly raises a hand to take the popsicle August hands her

Summer
Thank you

They’re sitting on a curb outside of a convenience store. It’s dark already, the intense white light of the convenience store harsh against the asphalt.

Summer
You remembered?

August
Of course. 

He scrunches his nose, and Summer leans against him.

August
It’s your favorite.

“Gusto mo ice cream?” Wise breaks the silence.

Vee turns to him, and he falters for a second from how close they are. Wise’s head is craned to look at him. He’s so close Vee could count the faintest freckles on his face.

“Bumili ka?”

Wise nods, gestures to the mini fridge he kept in his room, “Pumunta ako 7/11 bago ka makarating dito”, He smiles, “Puro chocolate kasi favorite mo.”

Vee’s crush blooms in his chest, and it spreads to his cheeks.

Wise sits up, “Saglet”

He misses the weight of him already.

It’s cold when Wise lifts their blanket. He crawls over Vee’s legs to get to the fridge on the other side of the room. It doesn’t take him long to come back, two ice cream popsicles in his hand. They’re chocolate, like he said, and he hands Vee one of them after he carefully unwraps it.

Vee hides a smile as he sinks his teeth into his ice cream. The chocolate casing cracks, it’s the one with no almonds, the kind he loved. It’s sweeter than he remembered - sugar punctuated by the vision that is Wise in his periphery.

Vee’s watching the movie again when a different ice cream popsicles comes into his view. Vee looks at it questioningly, then to the boy holding it, “Wise?”

“Ibang brand ‘to. Gusto mo?”, says the boy, head cocked to one side.

When he doesn’t say anything immediately, Wise pouts, “Bilis na, Vee. Bago pa matunaw”

He’s adorable like this, and Vee can’t help but say yes, as silly as the request sounded.

“O-Okay, okay. Basta masarap to ah.”

He’s about to grab the popsicle but Wise pulls it back, tsk-ing while shaking his head, “Mali, Vee. Aaaahhh.”

“Ha?”

Wise points to his own open mouth and it clicks for Vee.

“Wais-”

“Matutunaw na to, sige ka”, he insists, pushing it closer to Vee’s lips.

It takes everything in Vee not to combust. If there’s anything he knows about Wise, though, it’s that he’s impossibly stubborn. Once he sets his mind towards something, it’ll take a long time before he’ll stop. It’s a trait of his that was obviously formed by people rarely saying no to him.

“Fine”, Vee finally says. Wise’s grin is triumphant and mischievous when he puts the popsicle close to Vee’s mouth.

The ice cream is cold before it even touches his lips. He carefully bites into it, and watches as Wise's smile widens. 

“Masarap?”

Vee nods, his heart racing again. Wise settles into Vee’s side, then goes back to eating it himself.

As it melts in his mouth, Vee swears there’s a light pink flush to the boy’s cheeks, a certain undecipherable glow to his eyes. But the color-changing lights fade from pink into blue, then to green, and Wise looks normal again.

A trick of the heart, maybe.

He watches Wise carefully peel the hardened chocolate off the ice cream with his teeth. 

Vee’s told him before that it's weird that he does that. “Bakit mo pinaghihiwalay? Mas masarap pag magkasama”, Vee had said. To which Wise shrugged, “Gusto ko ng ganto eh. I save the best parts for last”.

Vee’s looks at his ice cream, then to Wise. 

Driven by some unknown force, he bites the chocolate off his own ice cream like how Wise does it. Then,

“Wais”

Vee holds the ice cream to his face. The chocolate’s been bitten off, exposing the chocolate ice cream inside - Wise’s favorite part.

Wise’s face morphs from confused, to shock, “Para sakin?”

Vee nods. Wise doesn’t move immediately which was enough for Vee to regret what he’s doing. But then, Wise suddenly leans forward, and wraps familiar fingers around Vee’s to hold the popsicle stick.

This time, Vee’s sure that the boy was blushing. It’s clear as day even with the colors shifting around them. What he’s blushing for, Vee doesn’t know exactly but his heart sings anyway. 

Wise mutters into the bite, blushing face hidden under the hair framing his face.

“Thank you”, his lips form into a small, bashful, smile.

Vee’s eyes gravitate to where their hands are clasped together - thinks Wise lingers for a second, before he’s moving away again. 

But even then, he doesn’t move far. 

Vee likes that he’s always close. In a room full of people, Wise always chooses to be with Vee. When there’s a couch and there’s no space beside Vee anymore, he sits at Vee’s feet and leans back. When Vee arrives in a room, somehow, it’s always Wise that finds him first, greets him with a smile and a hug that says, “I’m glad you’re here”. And Vee would reply, “I’m glad you’re here, too”. He means it every time. Knows Wise means it, too.

Summer and August are in a playground now. They reminisce about playing in the penguin slides, and Vee watches how August helps Summer onto the swing, and pushes her after.

“Sa tingin mo posible yun?” , Vee asks.

He turns to see Wise finished with his ice cream. There’s a crack in the air when he splits the popsicle stick in half, before throwing it into the bag where the rest of their trash is.

“Ang alin?”

“Summer returning to August still in love with her”

Wise hums thoughtfully. Vee can almost see the cogs turning in his head as Wise leans back on the headboard and looks at the ceiling.

The question reminds Vee of his own feelings for the boy. To him, of course, it’s possible for someone to love someone that long. If Wise were to leave, and come back years down the line, he would still like him as much - love well-worn but alive, regardless. 

But he’s not curious about his own feelings. He wants to know Wise’s. Does he think it’s possible, too? And if he does, what does that mean for Vee’s own years-long affection for him?

“Kung posibleng mahal pa rin nila isa’t isa kahit matagal na?”

“Yes. Do you think people are capable of feeling something that long?”

Wise plays with the pillow across their lap, “Ikaw? Ano sa tingin mo?”

Vee shakes his head, “I asked first. I’ll answer after you.”

Wise nods thoughtfully and then, “Syempre. Posibleng posible. 

Di ko alam ah. Wala akong mabibigay na logical na explanation - Baka ikaw meron pero ako wala. Nararamdaman ko lang? Sa tingin ko talaga posible.”

“Even when feelings are fickle? You could hate someone for a while but it’s dulled by time. Even grief. Pag may namatay, bumilang ka lang ng ilang taon, di na sya ganun kasakit.”

“Pero pag-ibig pinag-uusapan natin”

“Love is still an emotion”

Vee’s surprised when Wise laughs after he finished speaking 

“Kahit kailan talaga, Vee, apaka-lohikal mo, no?”

“What do you mean?” Vee bristles.

“Totoo kaya”, Wise pushes his forehead with a teasing finger and Vee’s confused whether to feel giddy from the contact or to be annoyed with the boy for insinuating he’s too logical. 

“Hindi k-”

“May mga bagay na ‘di pinag-iisipan, Vee. At sa maraming bagay, laging pag-ibig ang exception. Minsan, di sya nagbabago o kung nagbabago man, hindi humihina. Di ba?” 

Wise smiles at him with an easy sort of air. As if it were silly of Vee to think he’d answer anything other than yes, it’s possible for someone to love for that long. And Vee can’t help but agree. How silly of him to think that Wise - in all his brave, forward-facing, and honest affection - would think loving long is impossible.

“Katulad natin”

Vee’s breath hitches. 

“Natin?” the word comes out as a stutter, unsure and unbelieving.

Wise nods, there's a challenge in his face. The kind that pulls Vee in - it dares him to read between the lines as if saying sige nga, Vee, tell me what you think of us. Tell me how I feel about you.

“Mahal kita… as a friend”, Wise says it like a taunt.

And if Vee were foolish, he’d think he added ‘as a friend’ like a footnote - so unimportant that he almost forgot.

Vee swallows something hard lodged in his throat. It thumps loud like the rhythm of his pulse.

“How about you? What do you think?”, Wise crosses his arms together casually, and Vee wants to kiss him if it means wiping the knowing glint in his eye. 

He’s comfortable in the way he moves - Easy. While Vee is here, half a touch away from bursting. Vee licks his lips, and chooses to play whatever game Wise was playing.

He tries to smile at Wise too, although it wavers a little in the face of what he was about to say.

“Oo, sa tingin ko rin posible”, he says, looking bravely into Wise’s eyes, “I also love you… as a friend”

The words melt easy on his tongue. It melts further when Wise’s eyes glaze over. Again, it’s one of the faces Vee knows Wise only has around him. Whatever that implies, Vee doesn’t know, but he likes it regardless - likes how unguarded Wise looked.

There’s tension in the air. Especially when Wise doesn’t ask him anymore as he shifts to place his head on Vee’s shoulder. Vee moves close, and sits upright to make it more comfortable for him.

“I can’t believe you called me ‘too logical’”, Vee huffs, trying to dissipate the air of what they got themselves in. It’s thrilling. It’s dangerous. It makes Vee’s ribs contract in ways he knows only love can.

Wise nuzzles into his neck and breathes a quiet laugh that tickles Vee’s neck. Vee can’t help but melt against him like molten taffy.

Clearly, there’s been a shift between them. It sits as an undercurrent in everything that they do after. Wise’s head is still on Vee’s shoulder but it’s heavier than usual. And every time Wise moves to adjust something, Vee’s whole body erupts with small, traitorous goosebumps.

They’re quiet as they watch the movie unfold again. 

August and Summer are in August’s room now. They watch as Summer looks around and points out everything she thought was familiar and everything that wasn’t. Vee’s gaze glides from the screen to the room they’re in. It’s funny how everything was similar.

In the corner of the room, the mirror taunts Vee. 

(Sila ba sa dulo? Sila ba sa dulo?)

Summer
So… Anyone new in your life?

August
Well, yeah, I have more friends now. I’ll introduce you to them some time.

Summer
No, no, that’s not what I meant

August
What do you mean, then?

A pause.

Summer
Do you- Are you.. 

August
Am i?

Summer
Are you with anyone?

They don’t speak. The pause was long enough to fluster Summer but short enough for August to get over his initial shock. He talks first.

August
I’m waiting… for someone.

Vee mulls over a lot of things, thinking that his conversation with Wise is over, but suddenly Wise speaks again.

“Sa tingin ko…” he starts. His tone is a bit different - less teasing, more serious - and it tugs at Vee’s chest.

“Hm?”

Vee feels him inch his body closer.

Only after a weighted pause does he speak.

“Kung ikaw si Summer, tapos umalis ka. Tas ako si August…”

Vee freezes at what he thinks he’s about to say, and quickly turns to face Wise only to see the boy was already looking at him, gaze heavy with intent, and honesty.

“...Ano?”

Vee counts: One. Two. Three beats. They don’t breathe.

“...Iintayin kita”

Wise doesn’t look away. And neither does Vee. The powdery light from the TV bounces against the side of his face, and refracts like stars in his eyes.

Vee’s breath is caught in his throat. Not for the first time that night, he’s speechless. Because how pretty of a thought for Wise to say he’d wait for him. 

Iintayin kita. Iintayin ka nya.

He’s speaking before his mind could fully process the consequences of what he’s going to say, 

“If I were Summer, at ikaw si August…” Vee exhales, and then,

“Hindi kita iiwan.”

Wise’s eyes widen a bit, then he’s searching for something in Vee’s eyes. Vee lets him look. He’s feeling brave, suddenly. And who knows, maybe he’ll finally find one of those spaces Vee’s made in his heart for the boy.

They’re silent. And for a second Vee thinks Wise glanced at his lips but he blinked and Wise wasn’t looking where he thought he was anymore - only at Vee.

He hears August’s voice in the TV, 'Can I kiss you?', he says.

Vee knows Wise hears it too, and revels in the way Wise’s throat bobs as he swallows. The boy looks like he’s thinking, like he’s picking his words apart before he says them.

Vee inhales sharply. Under the heavy sheets, Wise slowly puts his hands on top of Vee’s, before he slots their fingers together.

It’s warm, and soft, and safe. When Wise squeezes Vee’s hands, Vee squeezes his back. 

An itch starts to thrum from his fingertips, and it crawls to his chest. 

The colors that swim in Wise's eyes change with the LED’s on the ceiling - blue, green, silver, then gold - Wise is handsome in any light. But here he looks like a dream.

“Vee”, his voice comes out as an exhale. Wise’s breath fans against Vee’s cheeks and he can’t help but close his eyes.

“Wise”, his own voice sounded breathless.

“...Pwede ba kitang halikan?”

Vee’s eyes open to Wise looking at him like everything he loved and more - eyes lined with starlight, and promise. Beneath the sheets, Wise’s hand grips his tightly. And he tries to search for doubt in the boy’s eyes but all he sees is affection. Why has he never seen this before? 

In all the years he has loved Wise, he has never seen clearer. And so, Vee allows himself to fall, allows himself to give in.

“Oo”, his voice doesn’t waver when he says it.

All of a sudden, Wise’s eyes are more tender, and Vee wishes he could swim in them all day if he could.

Wise tucks Vee’s hair behind his ears, holds the back of his neck, and slowly leans forward. 

Like sinking in honey. A gradual inhale, exhale, then the fall.

Their lips brush in a kiss so gentle that Vee has to tighten his grip on Wise’s hand to feel like it’s real.

Wise’s lips are plush against Vee’s, they’re better than anything he’s ever imagined or dreamt of before. At the back of Vee’s head, he thinks, Wise tastes like ice cream. The sweetest kind. The kind he likes the most. 

Their kiss is soft, and tender. It feels like all the love they’ve been hiding behind closed doors, bursting, and condensing into this single moment - Vee could kiss him all day if he could.

And when Wise presses their lips together particularly hard, Vee shivers against the boy’s frame. It might have done something to Wise because he exhales low and kisses Vee more, fingers trailing along Vee’s jaw, just below his ear. 

Vee sighs into their kiss and clutches at the front of the boy’s shirt.

Wise’s fingers eventually travel to Vee’s back and he presses his fingers into Vee’s skin - kissing, kissing, and kissing more. At some point, he tilts Vee’s head back and Vee exhales a heady breath at how good it feels.

Kissing, kissing, and kissing.

So much, and for so long that Vee doesn’t know where Wise ends and he begins anymore. All he knows is that his body is warm, and weak in the hands of the boy he loves.

And when Wise nibbles on Vee’s lower lip, Vee feels so good that his mouth falls open only for Wise to lick into him, pulling him closer by the waist. It’s punctuated by a small, unbidden moan that Vee couldn’t help but let out.

Wise breaks their kiss at the sound, but he doesn’t move far. He trails kisses on Vee’s jaw, down his neck, his chest, and then-

“Wise”, Vee presses a slightly shaking hand on his arm, a small gesture asking him to stop.

Wise’s lips pause where it rests on the junction of his throat, and his collarbone.

Vee hears him inhale deeply, before he sits up, eyes still closed as he rests his forehead on Vee’s shoulder. Vee can feel exactly how hard Wise’s heart was beating.

They’re silent, just basking in the way each other breathes, nothing but this and the faint hum of the TV filling the space between them. His skin buzzes with the energy of a million suns compacted in a body. By the way Wise’s chest heaves, there are galaxies in his blood too.

“Sorry, nadala ako”, Wise says after a while.

Vee shakes his head, “Okay lang. I just- Before anything more happens, I just wanted to say that I-”

“Mahal kita”, Wise interrupts him. He has moved away, and opened his eyes to resolutely look at Vee, “Mahal kita, dati pa.”

He sounds so sure that it takes Vee aback.  Wise’s gaze was steady, as if he’s never been so sure of anything as much before. It makes Vee’s heart skip a million beats, and a few billion more. How can a person be this disarming?

Before he could speak, Wise’s eyes form into crescents, and he starts giggling. 

It’s contagious, and Vee’s laughing too.

The boy stretches his arms towards Vee - asking for a hug - so he melts into Wise’s arms, overwhelmed by so much that’s happened in the past few minutes.

“Vee”, Wise sing-songs. Vee likes how his name sounds in Wise’s mouth. Especially when he says it like this.

“Yes?”, he laughs.

“Mahal talaga kita. Dati pa”

Vee looks at him tenderly, reciprocates everything and more. He drops a chaste kiss on Wise’s lips, and another and another, and another. They smile into the small kisses Vee peppers on Wise's lips, cheeks, eyes, and chin. Vee giggles, carding a hand through Wise's hair, as he presses one last searing kiss on the boy's lips. He tastes the words he’s about to say on his lips before he says it.  

Vee turns it over and over on his tongue, testing if it tastes as euphoric as he imagined in his head, and says, “Mahal rin kita. Dati pa.”

They say nothing more. Questions like since when? How long? How deep? They don’t matter. Or, at the very least, they reserve it for later. After they’re done kissing. After they’re done cuddling. After they make up for all the billion I love you’s they couldn't say before this hour.

And later, they shut the TV off, and let the rhythm of each other breathing untie the knots in their muscle and bone.

Wise drops a final kiss to Vee’s forehead. Tells him again, “Mahal kita, Vee”

And Vee does the same. He whispers, “Mahal rin kita, Wise.”

They sleep soundly after.

Summer
Us? Together? 

She clutches August’s hand in hers. And he drops a kiss onto her knuckles.

August
Us, together, at the end, and even after.