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“It’s been quite a while, Shroud.”
“I know.”
They both sat next to each other awkwardly. The distance between them felt unnatural since they were once always attached to the hip. After some time, Idia decided that it was okay to catch up. Malleus, hopeful as ever, was quick to accept the invitation. There was a lot he wanted to discuss with Idia. He wanted to know how his life was since the last time they spoke. He hadn’t heard from him since they separated. He was worried, but he respected the desired distance.
“How have you been?” Malleus was the first to speak up. Idia hadn’t changed much besides the new maturity in his face. He was still as frail and as tired as he always was. It was a comforting sight. He knew that Idia was a shut-in but he hoped that he didn’t cut himself from the real life and online world completely. Judging by the eye bags, he knew that wasn’t the case. He was happy for him.
“I’ve been okay, all things considered.” Idia’s response was short, but after a moment, he spoke up again. “These past few months have been very painful. But it eventually got better. It was so bad I stopped playing League,” Malleus nodded, not knowing what that was. “I see. And that is..? A sport of sorts?” Malleus gave him a look of confusion. Idia shook his head in amusement. “Something like that. Not important. I just stopped playing video games for a month or so. I basically nerfed– I mean, deleted most of the video games off of my computer because it got so bad. I eventually started playing again. I have the same love of it now as I did then. It was very weird though, not being attached to my screen. Is what it is though, I guess.”
Malleus stayed silent, looking off into the distance. Idia wanted to meet at a park which is rather unlike the male. If Malleus were to pick the location, it would be over dinner or a cafe. It was probably because he was still foolishly in love with him. He would meet him anywhere if that’s what it took to hear from him again. “How about you?” Malleus turned his attention to him who was avoiding eye contact as he always did. It was probably still too soon for that. “I’ve been.. doing much better. If I’m being quite honest, I thought you would never speak to me again,” Malleus looked back to the park, fixating on the playground as he spoke. “I came to terms with it. There was quite a bit of awful tension and I thought it would last. I’m sorry I didn’t handle it better. It was very difficult to let you go, but I’ve realized that some things don’t last forever.”
Idia started shaking his leg, probably uncomfortable and anxious. Malleus could feel it radiating off the poor boy. “Yeah, I guess not.” Idia muttered to himself quietly, but Malleus caught it. He didn’t have much hope for their future. Not because he had moved on, but the distance made him realize perhaps some things are better left unfinished. It was a difficult chapter in both of their lives but he was still incredibly happy when he was by his side. He hoped one day Idia could open his heart up to him again. He wasn’t sure if Idia still felt that way about him. “Have you started seeing other people?” Idia spoke up, bringing Malleus out of his thoughts. His immediate answer was no. Idia hummed, looking away from the park and to the floor. “I haven’t either. You were way out of my league anyway. I knew I wasn’t going to luck out on finding someone as attractive as you. Sorry if that’s weird.”
Malleus shook his head and looked at him. “It isn’t. Also, you are just as attractive. Stop saying that.” Idia laughed awkwardly and shook his head. “You could have always done so much better, you know? I wonder what you saw in me. I’m a recluse who plays video games all day. You have a much brighter future than I do. There is probably someone who is richer and hotter than me and you still settled anyway.” It always annoyed Malleus how much Idia downplayed himself. Something that would probably never change. “I never settled for you. I wanted you.”
“I did too.” Idia scratched the back of his neck, still refusing to look at Malleus in the face. “I really did. I’m sorry I hurt you.” “I’m sorry I hurt you as well. It is the single regret I live with.”
“I forgive you. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. So don’t worry about it, you can let the regret go. I buried our relationship. I still miss it sometimes, but it’s never too late to start again. I wouldn’t see it as a continuation. But maybe one day when we are both in a better place,” Idia looked up from the floor and started to wipe the sweat on his palms on his jeans. “Perhaps. I still care about you a lot, Idia. I do not know where I’d be without you. My eyes have been open. I thank you for everything you’ve taught me.” Malleus fought the urge to grab his hand. “I hope I wasn’t just a lesson,” There was a quiver in his voice, signifying Idia was trying not to cry. “You weren’t. You were always and still are much more than that.”
He held back his tongue. All Malleus wanted to do was tell him he loved him. He wanted to tell Idia that their lack of intimacy has left him feeling empty. Malleus knew that nobody but he could fill that void. Perhaps one day he would. In due time. He still grieved them very much, but he wasn’t sure if Idia was happier without him. A jealous thought made its way into Malleus’s head; only he could be the only source of Idia’s happiness. He still wants Idia. He has always wanted Idia, since he met the fiery headed boy, whose personality matched it.
“You mean so much to me, Idia. I hope to keep every promise I made to you. One day, when you let me, I pray that it is all you have ever dreamed of.”
Idia wiped his tears on the sleeves of his jacket. Malleus caught the glimpse of his eyes. His heart began to race. He was still as beautiful, even through it all. They’ve grown a part for quite some time, so he hoped Idia could forgive himself in due time.
“That would be nice.” Idia finally had the courage to look at Malleus in the face. They locked eyes, Malleus noticing how teary they were. Beautiful , was all Malleus could think. “Whenever you are ready, Idia."