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There had been very few times when Gustav had felt powerless in front of the face of reality
Let alone,unable to react to it
It had happened in the past that his heart had almost shattered into sharp slags
And this of course, only he and the latter knew.
But strangely, or perhaps by divine will, they had all been occasions concerning his second son.
He remembers vividly when Sebastian was just over four years old; he almost got run over by a car.
It was January, and the snow played tricks on the streets, while the pavements shone, laughing, with its soft and fragile whiteness
The little one of the family was all bundled up, a scarf covering his shy little face and gloves insulating him from the cold
He doesn't remember why, but for some reason it was just the two of them and Gustav wasn't in a good mood at all
He has it well imprinted that it must have been unpleasant business matters for the himself who at the time, was still, a young man
Among other things, the excessive cold helped to stiffen his spirits, so he certainly wasn't enjoying being out and about for long
He was still wearing his grandfather's coat.
He walked fairly briskly, keeping his not-so-nimble son behind him at road hiccups
He might even stumble now and then, which made him want to get home as quickly as possible.
Sebastian meanwhile looked around as if for the first time, his crystal-clear eyes glazing over with each falling snowflake
He held his father's hand with little conviction, as he felt tight as if he had a noose in that limb.
Then it had happened that their path was interrupted by an unsympathetic but clearly important person, since young Shvagenbagen had forced himself to stop and entertain the conversation
So the little one had taken advantage of the temporary distraction to approach an oasis of snow still completely pristine and smooth
The surface glistened under the fragile rays of the sun, and the child smiled from under the soft wool of his scarf
He plunged his hands into it as if it were ice-cream, and with care and amusement, he handled it in balls of different sizes
The cold temperature allowed his fragile creations not to melt and this allowed him to play with even more fun
Although their equilibrium had been interrupted when a car parked nearby had started up, causing his toys to shake and then a snowball rolled into the asphalt, disintegrating like dust
Youth and the determined naivety of the early years of life, you know, bring with them the risks of experience and Sebastian clearly had as his priority, saving his shattered ball
The asphalt is dirty, the snow is so beautiful and fragile
So there he is, smeared with that cold but velvety white, crossing the road without looking, rushing almost like a hero to save the ice in January
The steering wheel has already started, and like all engines in winter, it needs grit to warm up the gears
So it takes off at full throttle, snarling in the bog
Gustav has already realised that his son is missing, and his parental instincts allow him to spot the horrid scene in a flash
He still has well etched in his memory, the words that had crossed his mind
"Now they will kill him"
And with all the fury and fear that any father can feel at such a moment, he rushes headlong onto the asphalt, to retrieve the wretch
The coat getting soaked and the screech of the engine braking suddenly
The haste of the moment that allows the car to stop just in time, to asphalt a strip of the precious fabric
The young industrialist holding his son under an iron grip and the latter crying out to him, all of a sudden terrified by the situation
A haughty, mortified man comes down from it and helps the two unfortunates to their feet
Gustav's hair is at least as soaked as his clothes, putrid in part thanks to the wheels of the bolide, a thin curtain of snow decorates his back
His cheeks are red and his eyes are flashing
The child is a heavy wad of snow and road slime
He lets the driver go with all too much haste, disentangling himself with manic impatience from the crowd of curious and frightened onlookers
- There's nothing to see!-he had blurted out, his voice hoarse from the cold
He had slung his small child over his shoulder, encircled in his arms, still terrified and confused about what had happened
He walked even faster, kicking this time at the slippery intrusion, getting his elegant shoes more muddy than they already were
A desperate rage quivered in his chest
- What the heck were you thinking Sebastian! Am i raising a fool?! Why did you let go of my hand?! ANSWER ME!!-
Impetus and fright grated on the high pitch of his voice, to the point that for every utterance, a passer-by turned confused and curious
The child stared astonished at his father's shoulder, warmed by the grip that lifted him
- YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE MY SIDE! NEVER! UNDERSTOOD!?YOU ALMOST ENDED UP IN THE OTHER WORLD, BUT COME ON!!!-
He seemed to be shouting more to himself than to the unfortunate one
- Daddy - he called him in a trembling voice
- DADDY, YOU'LL GIVE DADDY A HEART ATTACK IN A WHILE! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM THE ROAD!?-
- Daddy, I'm sorry-
- I'M SORRY, MY FOOT! NOW GO HOME AND TAKE A HOT BATH! GOD FORBID YOU GET BRONCHITIS!
Then, ironically, bronchitis had come to him.
Now, the same attachment to his son's life had returned, the same if not more acute, gripping his guts as he shouted after Sebastian in the rain
- YOU CAN'T GO THAT FAR!
He hoped he was not mistaken
The boy did not turn around, although he looked extremely neglected and tired, he was unlikely to give up, judging by the bright and ruthless look
He could yell at him all he wanted, but as usual, he wasn't going to get him back with words alone
And Sebastian was slipping out of his hands once more
Yet another
Damned boy.
The rain was beating furiously, reflecting a rhythmic tinkling against various surfaces, and it seemed to melt his son's silhouette, so intense and dense was it.
As he began to disappear into the darkness of the night, Gustav felt the same unstoppable jolt
He didn't even say anything, like the first time
He was always like that
He would have sold the moon to keep Sebastian in check, yet now it was the young boy who had put him in check by chance.
After all, he was human himself
He pushed the poor Lydia badly, away from him, while with sudden agility, he leapt over the steps of the front door and into the street.
Sebastian had just enough time to turn around, exhausted and confused, when a few steps away, the taller man caught up with him at a much faster pace.
He tried to run away but he was quicker and so once again found himself trapped in his arms
Panic and thirst for freedom were sky-high
He just couldn't accept that it would end like this
- Let me go! LET ME GO!
He shouted as he had never shouted in his life, venting for the first time all his resentment and desire to make his parent pay, so suddenly
Gustav didn't want to hear about it, there was no middle ground
Containing his son's ranting and tugging, he once again ripped the horizon open with his fury
-NOW
THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!!-
it was like thunder
It was louder than all the others that night
For all his life, anger has bound Gustav in a pincer of pure strength and restlessness
It is pure electricity
It is a thunderclap
The young man knows it
Now he is silent without words
The rain washes away any expression, strangely warm and heavy
The man sets him on fire through the rock crystals of the irises
Sebastian has an immense fear
He implores him silently, to spare him whatever hell rages in his imagination
To underestimate him would be a mistake
Gustav holds him tightly, for the first time equal high, encircles him like Hercules crushing Antaeus
Sebastian swore he was feeling the same fear as the giant
- Say, boy, do I have to cut your hamstrings?
A hiss so macabre that it stole a gasp of pure horror from him
- Do i have to butcher your health so that you don't venture into who knows what idiocy, eh Sebastian?! ANSWER ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!-
Another thunderclap
The young man is too confused and tired to obey
He didn't want to stay any longer to succumb to his father's anguish, even if it meant facing him directly
- WHY SHOULD I ?!!- he screamed
- YOU ARE WILLING TO TORTURE EVEN LYDIA IN ORDER TO HAVE ME AT GUNPOINT IN YOUR GOLDEN CAGE! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY YOUR GAME ANY MORE!!!-
They were drenched in rainwater
The weight of gravity seemed all of a sudden more intense and merciless
- FOR YEARS I TRIED TO PLAY BY YOUR RULES IN THE HOPE THAT YOU, FATHER, MIGHT SEE ME EVEN AS A WORTHY HUMAN BEING!!! I HAVE RACKED MY BRAINS SO MANY TIMES THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN KNOW IT, TO MANAGE TO BE AS YOU WANTED ME!!!!-
Sebastian cried, but this only his unconscious did not hide it in the rain
All emotions were washed away by the stormy weather
Gustav felt cold all of a sudden
- I NEVER HAD THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! IN ANY WAY!! SO WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF I LEAVE?!
Sebastian shouted, managing to fill his father's frightening gaps of silence.
He feared all kinds of consequences if he ever gave him a break.
Maybe if he vented, he had the illusion of feeling stronger.
As the weeping washed away even the tonal semblance of it
Sebastian felt shattered, and somewhere in his head, he felt ashamed that he hoped he could fall asleep on his parent's shoulders
Almost fainting
How sleepy he feels, how his chest burns and his heart screeches
Dark circles burn and wear away the porcelain of his skin, showing its cadaverous reality
Sebastian in that life, was little more than a corpse
A puppet
Yet, he seemed wrong even so
Gustav doesn't seem to want to blink, his eyes flashing but remaining motionless
He knows that the boy is already destroying himself, with those lies and late-night jaunts
He shouts
As if he was consuming a childish whim, he lets it out until his son's voice becomes shrill
For he would rant again
Until the whole town had witnessed his pain
His reckoning
But now his face is soft, heavy
He would like to cry again but the lump just can't get out of his throat
He is too tired
So all he can do is watch his father, he's exhausted all his moves anyway
His breathing is heavy and slow
Gustav's is imperceptible
There is a silence that seems to swallow up even the quiet roar of the rain
Gustav has long since put him down, though he has never really let go
And now he knows he must hold it, that body so tired and light
The hips are slender and sad in his hands, a heaviness as fine as glass strengthens his grip on them
In truth they are both exhausted, soaked and desperate
Gustav has had enough
- Sebastian-
An all too faint gasp tries to answer him
It's like seeing him all covered in snow again.
Gustav can't do anything about it
- You'll catch a cold - with thoughtful calmness, he wraps him around himself, making sure that he no longer has the strength to escape.
-Better come inside-
A jolt of fear shakes the young violinist
- Inside the house is warm and secluded-
In a firm but mournful voice, he tries to calm his feverish torments
He want to see him, so he lifts his face to look into his eyes
- Don't you think so too?-
A bored and broken expression implores him one last time
So he loads him up, just like the first time, and they go home
Rotten and dirty
And perfectly at odds with each other
Sebastian gives himself up on his father's shoulders, falling asleep like an angel.