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As Saul reached the threshold of the Headmistress’ office, a steaming cup of tea in hand, he could not help to pause for a second to take in the sight the said Headmistress offered to him. There she was, facing her desk, standing tall perched on black stilettos, one hand resting on her hip, her fist brushing against the black fabric of her pencil skirt, the other playing absentmindedly with her necklace. He could see the chain moving around her neck, freed of her usual wavy locks which were now tightly knotted in a complicated bun. She looked gorgeous. Different from the Farah he was used to being around, but beautiful as always.
“I can hear you thinking,” he teased, going in.
Farah turned around, a tight smile on her lips. He handed her the cup, and she mumbled a faint ‘thank you’, closing her eyes as she drank the first sip.
“Did you get some sleep?”
“A little.”
It was a lie and he knew it, but he let it slide just this once. He had learned to read her body language over the years, and fidgeting usually meant endless thoughts swirling in her mind. Today of all days was not surprising; of course, she would be tense for her first back to school day as Headmistress of Alfea. He waited for her to speak her mind, watching her taking ridiculously small sips of tea just for the sake of doing something.
Farah kept tapping her finger on her cup, as if each tap would get her closer to working up enough courage to speak.
Her throat was so tight that she was surprised to hear her voice be so clear. “What if I fail?”
It was blunt, which was not unusual for her. What surprised Saul, however, was how quickly she had let her walls down and got to this level of vulnerability. It usually took a couple of hours, at the very least. The fairy never enjoyed discussing her feelings, partly because she was always scared people would later use it to hurt her. But if there was one person who she could trust to never do that, it was Saul.
“You won’t,” he simply stated.
The Specialist had always been honest with her, and he sounded so certain that it was tempting to believe him and keep going, as if she had not had this very question in a corner of her mind ever since her official appointment as Rosalind’s successor. But he most certainly lacked objectivity because of their relationship, which meant she could not simply nod and get on with her day.
“But what if I do?” she pressed him.
“Then you’ll come back tomorrow and do the best you can. That’s all everybody asks of you.”
A bitter laugh escaped her mouth. “Not sure her Majesty would agree with that statement.”
The Palace had been putting a lot of pressure on her shoulders after the Aster Dell debacle and the length the crown had to go to help cover for it. Now, everything had to not just look but be perfect, and Luna had made sure to let her know that each and every time they had talked in the last few weeks.
“Look, it won’t be perfect from day one. Some things will need adjusting, but if anyone can take over this place, it’s you.”
She looked up at him, meeting his gaze for the first time that day. It always puzzled her how those icy grey eyes could hold so much warmth, even more so after the recent events. How could he look at her like this and be so sincere in his support when she could hardly bear to look at herself in a mirror?
Unable to hold his gaze any longer, she put her cup down and walked to the windows overlooking the alfean grounds. Her school. It did not seem real just yet. The place had brought its fair share of happy memories in her life, but it had also brought a lot of pain. Her only wish was to change this for the future generations and make it a place where they would learn with great discipline, but always feeling safe. Make it the cherished home she had wished to have in her youth, instead of a bittersweet one.
“How can I be a leader after…” She looked down, stopping mid-sentence to prevent her voice from wavering. There was still a lot of healing to do. After a few seconds, she managed to utter, “My position is built on a lie”.
“Fa… Don’t go there,” he warned her.
Saul had spent enough evenings in her company talking through what had happened and the aftermath to know how fast these kinds of thoughts could make you spiral down. He had been there enough times himself.
“It’s true, though.”
“You’re in the position you’re in because of a series of events that lead you there, some of which you had no control over. Now you have to push past whatever your feelings are and own it.”
It was a little harsh, but Farah had never had time - nor desire - for sappy feelings. Alfea was soon to be filled with excited students, buzzing at the prospect of the beginning of a new school year. He needed to put her back on tracks, and that meant giving her some tough love.
“You talk like a real soldier,” she said with a sad smile.
“Yes, because I’m in that position and I own it.”
There was no arguing, because deep down, she knew he was right. They all had to get a grip and move on, as hard as it was.
“Just…” She tried to swallow, but the lump in her throat felt like a big rock not budging an inch.
After one last look at the great stretch of green surrounding the buildings, she moved back to her desk, facing her Specialist. Her arms crossed across her chest, it took everything she had to speak her mind.
“Don’t let me turn into her.”
There it was, out in the open. The gnawing fear churning her guts and racking her mind, responsible for a great part of the increasing number of sleepless nights she had to sit through lately. She had thought it would have been a relief to say it out loud, but it was not. If anything, it made it more real.
Saul’s heart tightened, witnessing her deflate the second she had spoken. His previously hardened features went soft in a split second, and he immediately moved closer, yearning to comfort his fairy. So much for tough love.
“You could never, even if you tried”. He took both her hands in his and squeezed them until she looked up at him. His breath caught in his throat like it usually did when they were close like this. He had never gotten used to the effect Farah had on him and truly, he hoped he never would. It was the most delicious feeling he had ever experienced.
“That’s not who you are.”
Farah sighed, her shoulders feeling heavier. She was unsure what she had done to deserve such devotion, and most of the times, she felt like she did not deserve it. Especially now.
“Maybe it hasn’t always been her either,” she shrugged.
She received a pointed look from Saul in response. She could be pretty stubborn, his fairy. Short-tempered, a sore loser, impatient. But ruthless and thirsty for power? No, it certainly did not sound like Farah Dowling.
“Okay. How about this,” he offered, knowing there was no chance to make her see herself the way he did. “I promise to raise the alarm as soon as you act even the slightest bit out of character. But you have to promise to trust my judgement and not let these thoughts give you a headache.
“I guess that’s a fair deal,” she answered, pursing her lips.
“That, however,” he continued with a smirk, his chin pointing at her head, “is definitely gonna give you a headache. How many hairpins did you use?”
Saul’s chuckles managed to force a smile out of the mind fairy. Her hair was pulled up in an intricate updo, her long locks tightly secured in place. She would normally braid them or put them up in a rather simple ponytail if not loose, but none of these hairstyles had given the “authority figure” aura she was going for. It had seemed fitting this morning to pair her high heels with a more serious hairstyle, even if it had felt slightly odd. It looked good, at least.
“Yeah, well… I thought I needed to at least look put together, since I’m not feeling like I am.”
Saul pulled at their hands still joined together, and got her a little closer to him, just enough to put a quick kiss on her forehead.
“You look perfect,” he smiled.
His gentle touch and comforting nature contrasted sharply with the iron-gripped, mighty soldier alongside with she had fought. Her cheeks reddening, she mumbled an embarrassed ‘thank you’ while her gaze lowered on their intertwined fingers.
“Come on. It’s time.” He let go of her left hand and guided her towards the door. Her right hand was still fitting perfectly with his, both of them quietly dreading the moment they would have to let go.
They walked in silence in the deserted halls of the school, the steady clicking of her heels resonating around them. Soon, the stone walls would shelter dozens of students and their desire to prove themselves worthy of being Alfeans. And Farah would have to guide them through the sinuous path paving the way to the mastery of their potential. She would have to teach and inspire. Be the figurehead they need.
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She definitely had a headache at the end of the day, like Saul had predicted. The relief she experienced while letting her hair loose, pin by pin, was out of this world. But she put them up again the next day, and the day after that, hoping that at some point, she would not just look like the Headmistress. She would feel like it.