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Yuuta doesn't think that he would ever love anyone as deeply as he did Rika in this lifetime, but Toge comes close. So close.
After the Shibuya incident, everyone changed. Some take to grieving the losses in silence, becoming more withdrawn as they try to find a semblance of light to pull them out of the dark place. Some seek to regain what little normalcy left in their life, diverting their gazes from the pain and hurt manifested in the form of a bulbous monster that continues to attach itself onto them. Everyone has changed, but they are trying in their own ways. To see the world for what it is worth, to find a reason to keep going and not regret.
Yuuta and Toge are both the former and the latter.
There are times when it is easy to forget that the gruesome incident ever happened. Like right now, when the pale orange glow of the sun slowly emerges at yonder horizon, casting a gentle hue that blankets the land outside and bleeds into the room. Like right now, when the soft rise and fall of Toge's chest is what Yuuta wakes up to. Like right now, when the day begins and there's something more, something fuller in himself.
It feels as normal as it could be. A quiet, lazy morning. They wake up early and get breakfast – two cups of steaming hot tea with bread, courtesy to Yuuta. Toge is rubbing at his eyes and yawning, still sleepy. They don't talk, but their silence hangs around their shoulders like a warm blanket in a cold winter.
It feels normal, and is mostly normal. Except for the fact that from the sleeve of the t-shirt Toge is wearing where his left arm is supposed (and used) to be, there is nothing. It hasn't been that long, or long enough – depending on one's concept of time. Sometimes Yuuta notices Toge struggling with the most mundane things – like when he is running, or eating, or grabbing something – as if the loss has impaired more than what the eyes could see. Toge told him that he didn't mind losing the limb as much as dying or losing his friends. Although sometimes he dreams of the pain all over again, or worse, dying from the pain.
There are times when it is impossible to forget the Shibuya incident, no matter how hard one tries. During nights like these, when the shadows of the past rear their ugly heads, Yuuta and Toge would pull each other apart at the seams. Spilling out from their insides the dark excess of their sorrows and secrets. Old ones, new ones. On such nights, Toge's company anchors Yuuta – Toge's skin against his own, Toge's soft staccato breathing that sounds so loud, and Toge's body responding and shaking from his touches.
It is impossible to forget, but they have each other. Like right now, when the pain is so pronounced they have to rewrite it with pleasure. Like right now, when the ugliness in themselves is so terrifying they seek fruitlessly to create something beautiful, together. Like right now, when intimacy is their only salvation.
Their coupling always leaves them open and vulnerable. And then as they lie awake basking in the post-orgasmic state, there's always a pull inside Yuuta's chest that convinces him that love is also a loneliness made fuller by two people.
Yuuta thinks that perhaps he would've given Toge his everything – his future, his body, his heart – if he hadn't given his everything to Rika. The thought makes him sad, but it also makes him feel warm inside.
Of course, Gojo Satoru-sensei was right. Spending his life alone would've been lonely. Would've been without his friends. Would've been without Toge.
Selfish. You're selfish , a small voice inside his head will say, and then it will scream, screeching out indignantly, 'SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH. YOU ONLY TAKE FROM HIM AND DON'T GIVE BACK'.
Yuuta does give back, but he can never give as much as Toge does. And Toge is always giving, always resourceful. His love is so generous, so kind, so tender. Yuuta doesn't know someone who is hurt could love like that. (Funnily, Toge has told him the same thing – that his love is generous, and kind, and tender. Yuuta is inclined to believe that Toge's inexperience in regards to love has made him think that way).
"Yuuta," Toge calls. He takes Yuuta's hand and moves his forefinger against Yuuta's open palm, where he writes 'You're drifting' .
"Sorry" is his immediate reply.
Toge writes another word on his palm, 'Rika?'
Yuuta allows a small smile to grace his face. "No, you," he whispers.
He isn't scared to admit it anymore–that Toge is the next person he loves after Rika. If Rika had been his wings, then Toge is his sky. With his wings gone, his sky is forever unattainable. Although the longing for his sky is ever-present, unchanging. Yuuta doesn't loathe Rika for it – for the fact that his everything ends with Rika, and with that, Toge will never be his as he will never be Toge's.
Sometimes it is enough, sometimes it is not.
But they've made peace with that. The world of jujutsu is, after all, too fleeting and fragile for such an attachment. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year–one of them may not even be here anymore. To have known that they want each other, that they are as close to each other at present, alive and warm and together in the moment–those are enough reassurance that their love is not less true, not less sincere.
Yuuta may have promised Rika his forever, but to Toge, Yuuta could promise him his present.
To love him today. And perhaps tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow's tomorrow. But not forever.
"Are you tired? Or are you up for another round?" Yuuta asks.
Instead of answering him, Toge climbs on top of him, straddling his naked waist and starts kissing him on the mouth. Their lips are already sore and slightly swollen, but it feels like they haven't kissed enough. Not nearly enough. Not the kissing, not the red marks Yuuta has sucked onto his pale neck and chest, not the bruises that Yuuta's fingers left on his hips and thighs.
More. More. More.
When Toge lets go, there's something akin to greed in his gaze. The violet shade of his eyes seems darker and deeper. Toge perches on top of him, tucking the strands of Yuuta's black hair behind his ears. All the while smiling playfully as he dragged his fingertip against the love bite at Yuuta's collarbone he left earlier during their coupling. It stings only a little. Yuuta wishes Toge has bitten down harder.
Yuuta stares into his eyes and says, "I take that's a 'yes' to another round."
Toge snorts and rolls his eyes, as if Yuuta is stating the obvious. Then, Toge tugs at his hand with a pout, as if Yuuta is taking too long to fulfill what he has promised.
Yuuta doesn't think that he would ever love anyone as deeply as he did Rika in this lifetime, but Toge comes close. So close. Yuuta wishes he could give him more than today and tomorrow.