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“You can talk to me about anything,” Eddie’s voice broke Buck out of his thoughts, “you know that, right?”
Of course Buck knew that, he knew that more now than he did four years ago when they just met and started the friendship that had blossomed into this. Buck was sitting in his sweats and a hoodie on their now shared couch while Christopher was at Hen and Karen’s for a sleepover with Denny.
Buck just felt stupid. He thought he had a better lid on his shit, but he hadn’t. It was a car. A car backfired, and he froze. Again . He promised himself he wasn’t gonna feel that helpless again, and he had. For a moment, a way too long moment, Eddie was bleeding out on the pavement and bullets were flying past him into the fire truck and there was blood on his face and in his mouth and god he still remembers the taste of Eddie’s blood on his lips as it sprayed on him.
“Evan.”
Buck closed his eyes as he felt the couch dip as Eddie sat down. “Please don’t–”
“We don’t have to talk about it, but I know you’re not okay.” Eddie took Buck’s hand in his own and laced their fingers together, giving it a tug until Buck opened his eyes and looked at him. “What was it you said to me? ‘You don’t have to pretend with me’?” There was a small smile on Eddie’s lips, trying to lighten the dark cloud that had been hanging over him most of the day.
Buck let out a small huff in lieu of a laugh and Eddie pulled down and Buck went easily, resting his head in Eddie’s lap. Eddie’s fingers through Buck’s hair, nails gently scratching at his scalp had Buck practically purring. “I know today was hard for you.” Eddie said softly.
“I froze.” It came out plainly. That’s what happened, even after he swore he would never again freeze up.
“That’s not a bad thing.”
“It nearly cost you your life, Eddie. If I had moved faster then–”
“Then you might have died.” Eddie cut him off. He was firm, but he wasn’t cruel. “Buck, when I was shot, when I looked and saw that you had blood on your face and all over your shirt, I thought the bullet went through me and into you.”
Buck remembered that day a bit too vividly. They’ve never truly talked about it. They’ve talked around it since then, Buck mentioned it at the equine therapy place, but it wasn’t about the shooting itself. Buck couldn’t think about it without putting himself back in that moment, but he’d been trying for so long to stay strong for Eddie. Eddie was the one who had a bullet rip through his body, again . Eddie was the one who nearly died. Christopher was the one who nearly lost his only parent, but it seemed like Buck was the only one who couldn’t move on.
“When my nightmares were at their worst,” Eddie started as he rested his hands on Buck’s chest, “sometimes it would be me laying there on the pavement, watching as you bleed out across from me.”
Buck moved to sit up, and turned so they were facing each other. “You never told me that.”
Eddie shrugged, lacing his fingers with Buck’s. “I didn’t know how to talk about it.”
Talking. That had been the newest part of their relationship these days. Sure, they talked. They talked a lot about a lot of different things like work, or that new coffee shop that popped up by their house, that one weird call they always got on a shift, almost everything except for the most important things. The things that matter. Those were the scariest for Buck to admit to himself on a good day, and saying some of those things out loud while Eddie was across from him was mortifying, but he knew it was important, especially after the breakdown Eddie had. They’d made a pact to never hide anything from each other.
Buck thought about everything they’d been through, everything that built up to them in this moment, and he knew he was safe. If he was gonna bare his soul to someone, Eddie was the only choice.
“That car it– I thought it was a another gunman.” Buck’s voice was soft and his eyes were focused on Eddie’s hands in his own. “I was back on that street the second I heard it. I… I still remember the way your blood tastes and–”
Eddie leaned forward and kissed the rest of whatever Buck was about to say. “I’m sorry.” He rested their foreheads together, their eyes closed. “I’m sorry you have to have these memories.”
“I’m sorry I froze.”
Eddie shook his head and pulled Buck into a hug. “That doesn’t matter to me.” he said softly. “No one thinks any less of you, baby. We all have our shit, that doesn’t mean we’re any less.”
“When did you get so wise, Diaz.” Buck said with a smile, though the tears were still there.
“Since my boyfriend told me to go back to therapy and made sure I kept up with it.” He punctuated it with another kiss to Buck’s lips. “It’ll get better. You will get better. It’s just gonna take some time.”
“Maybe this is why Bobby didn’t choose me for Captain when he was on leave. Not that Hen didn’t do an amazing job, it’s just,” Buck sighed and his forehead was resting on Eddie’s shoulder. “I want to have a reason to be proud of myself, to prove that I’ve actually changed.”
“Buck, we all have noticed the way you’ve changed. Not being picked for interim captain doesn’t mean that Bobby can’t see that or that he doesn’t trust you.”
“I fucked around so much my first year on the job, and then that stupid fucking lawsuit, the countless times I’ve put myself at risk–”
“You’ve also helped save countless lives.” Eddie took Buck’s face on his hands so he could look him in the eye. He smiled softly at the man in front of him. Eddie knew that there was a whole side to Buck he had yet to fully learn about. During the 24 hour or 48 hour shifts there were plenty of stories to go around from all of the 118, but Eddie knew some things were too personal. He still had things to learn about Buck, and he was patient enough to wait, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to try and help anyway. “If captain is something you really want, you know you’re on the right track, but babe, you don’t need to be captain to prove anything. The proof is in how you treat the people around you. When you first started you were young, but you’ve grown so much, and everyone is so proud of you. You don’t have to prove anything to us.”
Buck knew Eddie was right. Logically, he knew that this firehouse, this family was going to be there for him whenever he’d need it. They’d help him every time he stumbled, and he stumbled more often than not.
He looked at Eddie, the love that was pouring from those soft brown eyes, and he took a deep breath. “I love you, Eddie.”
“I love you , Buck.”
Buck went to thank him, but Eddie’s lips were on his before he could. It was deep, Eddie pressing himself against Buck as Buck wrapped his arms around him.
“I’m always gonna have your back, baby.”