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It was a long run into the void. A run that never stopped. James was running and panting while he could perfectly feel his lungs burning, in the same way everything around him seemed like a single big fire.
It was the first time that the Shadow Realm was showing itself like that, like a place on fire. James had almost managed to feel at ease with the perpetual darkness, but what about the fire? He could never get used to that.
So he was running, like his life depended on it, even though he didn’t know what or who he was running from. When he was a kid he used to run from Belial, he was terrified at the sole thought that the demon would be able to get him and kill him.
But the time managed to make James forget about that childish fear, running away from someone else was a weak thing to do and it was also really easy to face problems like that. That’s what James thought: running away from someone is always the easiest thing to do. No doubt that’s what he always did when he had been a child.
He had grown up running away from his demons, running away from himself, running away from all of his loved ones because he thought he didn’t deserve anything in his life except from suffering and being left alone.
That’s what he thought. James had been struggling with fear and anger for all his life. They were these two beasts that never let him go, that never loosened their grip on him. The fear he had of himself had kept him a slave of his own nature more that the Shadow Realm itself.
But what was the point of running, anyway? Truth is, James didn’t know. He just felt the mere thought of leaving places and things and people appealing. It was what he needed: to turn away from anything that scared him because, after all, James was a coward. And he had always been one.
Everytime he didn’t know what to do, everytime he didn’t know how to act around people, how to speak to them, how to make them stay, he always was the one turning away from his life, going somewhere else. That was what he was made for: leaving everything and everyone behind before everything and everyone left him alone with himself.
He had never found a reason to stay, it was never worth the pain. Never worth the fear. Never worth the anger. None of it was worth it. Except maybe one thing. Except maybe one person. Except maybe his person.
Because Matthew was the reason he had begun to fight his need and his attitude to leave everyone and to believe other people didn’t deserve to have someone like him in their life. Because how could he leave anyone with such a liability to deal with? They didn’t deserve him.
But Matthew was different, even though he didn’t know why he never felt the need to leave him behind. He only needed to stay next to him, to walk beside him, to be the reason the other man couldn’t sleep at night.
James had never desired anything or anyone in his life but he did, however, desired Matthew. He didn’t know how to call that feeling deep in his chest that made him feel like he wanted to rip his skin off, that made him burn at the mere thought of his parabatai. It was definitely desire. He desired him, he longed for him. Sometimes James contemplated the idea of killing someone just for him. Because Matthew was something else. And he felt so terribly guilty about it.
He felt guilty because he knew that Matthew didn’t deserve all of that mess that was his life, he didn’t deserve to stay up all night thinking about all the bad words he had told him during the day. He felt like a burden, even to his best friend, the man he loved more in the world. The only man he loved in the world. Because how could he not feel like a burden?
Sometimes he even thought of leaving Matthew, too. But he never found the strength to actually do it. Coward. His greed was the only thing keeping him going back to Matthew everyday. He needed him. Needed him.
That’s why he was running.
He wasn’t actually trying to escape from something in the Shadow Realm. For the first time in his life, he was running towards someone. The shadows were just an expedient to keep him busy and to distract him from his main goal: the person he was looking for. The main problem was that he wasn’t exactly looking for Matthew. He was trying to find himself in the process to face his fear. He had to face his fears, or Matthew would be lost. Matthew could die. He couldn’t accept letting him die.
See, James Herondale always feels so unworthy of living, still he feels deep in his soul that he had been given a plan, a mission. That’s why he could travel into the shadows, his mission was to do something for others. His power came with the sole purpose to help the others.
And he thought that he had this strength to help other people, his only problem was that he didn’t know how, he didn’t know what to do and would never know what to do. The only thing he was capable of was running away, so that’s what he always did.
And now he was holding on to dear life, trying not to catch fire in the shadows. He was trying to find Matthew in that mess of fire and broken things, but he couldn’t catch a glimpse of him. He just knew. He just felt. He just ran, heart beating hard in his chest, not a single thought in his mind. He had to get there on time. He couldn’t bear letting Matthew die.
Eventually, James managed to find Matthew: he was sitting close to a tree, surrounded by fire, coughing and desperately trying not to close his eyes.
“Matthew!” James sped up. “Matthew, get away from that tree? Do you want to die here or what?”
And the other man looked up at him, as he always did, with that familiar sly grin and that shimmer in his eyes that always managed to catch James' breath.
“You came” he said, faintly “you came for me. You didn’t leave me, in the end”.
James took Matthew’s face in his palms and started caressing his face. He was feverish. He was burning. James had arrived too late.
“How could I? How could I ever leave you, Matthew, when you’re the only thing that matters to me?” James was crying, but that wasn’t something new for him. He found himself crying for Matthew at least once a week. “How could I ever leave you when you’re the only reason I still try to keep myself out of the Shadow Realm? I made my choice to be with you so, please, Matthew, please don’t leave me”.
Matthew turned his head and placed a kiss on James’ hand. Just a brush of his lips, something he had already done a million other times, yet it still managed to make James melt at his touch.
“James, don’t say that. We both know that there’s nothing else you could do right now. It’s all right, trust me. You did the best you could”.
“That’s the problem Matthew, I did my best and it still wasn’t enough. What’s the point of being able to Shadow-Travel when I can't even save you? What’s the point of all this power, if it’s no use to me? If I can’t even control it?”
James was shaking and crying, he couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe that even though he was trying the hardest he could, he still didn’t achieve anything. He was losing everything. His one true love’s life was slipping right through his finger, right in front of him.
The blond boy held his gaze once more, he was now smiling softly.
“There’s nothing you have to hate yourself for, I really mean it. You did the best you could, you came, you tried. It’s enough for me to have you here, right now.” Copious tears began to fall from Matthew’s eyes. “Please, Jamie, don’t hate yourself. Tell me what you want me to hear, I know you want to. I already know it, I just want to hear it from you… Please, Jamie. Just once”.
James felt his heart being ripped out of his body, he had lost all the air he had in his lungs. He had lost everything.
There was just one thing he had been left with. And it was this:
“I love you, Matthew. I love you”.
And while feeling Matthew’s life slipping out of his body he still managed to hear him whisper:
“I love you, Jamie. In the end, this time, neither of us left”.