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As Doyoung wore his coat, he tilted his head to the side, thoughts suddenly rushing into his mind. He turned to his left, his hands still on the collar of the coat where he was fixing it. “Jae,” Doyoung called, “Who told you about this therapist again?”
Jaehyun looked at Doyoung, a small sigh leaving his lips after he finished spraying his cologne, “No one, Doyoung.” He placed the cologne in its place again, grabbing his own coat from the hanger to put it on, “I found him by myself. He is apparently the best relationship therapist around.”
“And you had the idea about relationship therapy by yourself? No one talked you into it?” Doyoung walked over, nonchalantly fixing the collar of Jaehyun’s coat around his neck, his eyes shifting from the collar to Jaehyun’s face.
Jaehyun looked back at Doyoung, staring at him for a second too long before wrapping his hands around Doyoung’s wrists and pulling his hands down, “Yes, Doyoung. Why are you finding it so hard to believe that I actually want us to work out and live in peace like other married couples?”
“I’m not finding it hard to believe!” Doyoung quickly snapped his hands away from Jaehyun’s hold, “I just never thought you’d ever entertain this idea if it were to be brought up.”
“Have you thought about doing this before? Going to a relationship therapist?” Jaehyun asked with a raise in his eyebrows, following Doyoung’s movements out of the door with his eyes before eventually following him in steps.
Doyoung grabbed his car keys, turning to glance at Jaehyun for a second, “Maybe I did.”
“And you never thought of sharing the idea?” Jaehyun scoffed, walking behind Doyoung to the elevator.
“Yes. Because it always seemed to be something you’d never agree to.” Doyoung’s tone was dry and stiff and Jaehyun felt like Doyoung disliked him.
“There you go, always assuming my reactions and replies and everything,” Jaehyun rose his hands and then smacked them down on his sides as they stepped into the elevator, “Why do you never just ask. Talk it out with me. Hell, then let me be the one to either prove your assumptions right or wrong.”
Doyoung didn’t reply to that. His foot was tapping quickly on the elevator’s floor, his eyes looking all around the place as if they hadn’t been in this elevator over a thousand times already. Jaehyun stared at Doyoung’s side profile for a minute then looked away, closing his eyes for a second before taking a deep breath and walking out when the elevator dinged and its doors opened.
“Give me the keys, I’ll drive.” Jaehyun held his hand out towards Doyoung once they got in front of the car.
Doyoung unlocked the car and jerked his chin to the passenger’s side, “Get in, I’m not letting you drive my car.”
Why did Jaehyun love him? Seriously, Jaehyun thought to himself as he watched Doyoung get in the car with the straightest face that had absolutely zero emotions and turn it on.
Jaehyun was a nice guy, really. He was really nice. But he was also a salty guy and that maybe erased some of his niceness. Still, Jaehyun climbed into the passenger seat silently and – just to spite Doyoung, make him a little mad, he liked Doyoung a little mad honestly – slammed the door shut hard enough it made him flinch.
“Hey!” Doyoung snapped his head to look at Jaehyun, “Is that how you shut a car's door?!” Doyoung’s eyes were wide and his lips were parted, his hands still on the seat belt from when he had been buckling it over his body.
Hell, Doyoung was pretty and pretty and pretty . Jaehyun stared at him, blinking with bored eyes as he buckled himself up as well, “Yes.”
Groaning, with a roll of his eyes, Doyoung drove the car out of the parking floor of the building. Once Doyoung finished backing away and reached the wide road, he smacked Jaehyun’s chest with the back of his hand without looking at him, “Don’t close my car’s door like that ever again or else I swear you’re never sitting in here anymore.”
Jaehyun gasped, “Ow!” his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Doyoung driving, “Your hand is so stupidly harsh, stop smacking me.”
“Oh, shut up,” Doyoung scoffed, his hand resting on the gear while he drove with his other hand, “You’re muscular enough to endure a little smack on the chest from me.”
“You only kept encouraging me to go to the gym so that I could endure your smacks. Right.” Jaehyun hummed and nodded.
They stayed silent for a minute before Jaehyun glanced at Doyoung from the corner of his eye. He sat up, readying himself with a mental smile as he thought. Jaehyun slapped Doyoung’s thigh gently enough that even his hand didn’t hurt.
Doyoung startled slightly, his foot unconsciously stepping more on the gas as his leg jerked, “What the hell, Jaehyun?” Doyoung’s eyes went back and forth between the road and Jaehyun, lifting his hand to smack Jaehyun back.
Jaehyun squeezed himself away from Doyoung but grabbed his hand when Doyoung swatted at him. He brought Doyoung’s hand up to his lips, leaving a small kiss over his knuckles as he stared ahead, pretending nothing had ever happened, “Don’t drive too fast, sweetheart, you might miss the turn.”
Doyoung left Jaehyun to hold his hand over his lap. They didn’t let go even when Doyoung had to change the gear and Doyoung brought their hands to his own lap after he parked in front of the therapist’s office building.
They stayed seated and quiet even after the car was off. Both Jaehyun and Doyoung stared ahead and there was no way of knowing whose hand started sweating first over Doyoung’s thigh.
“I love you.” Jaehyun whispered in a low voice, turning to look at Doyoung after confessing.
Doyoung took a shaky breath in and squeezed Jaehyun’s hand, “We’re here to make things better. I don’t know what else we could do, if I’m being honest. This is our last chance, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun nodded, his lips turning downwards at the corners. He let go of Doyoung’s hand and turned away, unbuckling the seatbelt and getting out of the car. Jaehyun looked disappointed and Doyoung knew why and was expecting that look on Jaehyun’s face.
Doyoung went out after him, locking the car as Jaehyun walked to the entrance slowly, shoving his hands inside the pockets of his coat. Doyoung skipped in his steps to reach Jaehyun, pushing his hand between Jaehyun’s elbow and ribs, squeezing his flesh in a comforting manner, “And I love you, too.”
Jaehyun nodded without sparing Doyoung any glance as they walked to the lady sitting behind a desk, giving her their names. They sat down to wait a few minutes and Doyoung had a thousand thoughts running in his mind at once.
Why did it seem like Jaehyun didn’t believe him when he said he loved him as well? What if Jaehyun actually thought Doyoung didn’t love him anymore? What if Jaehyun was the one who didn’t love him anymore?
Doyoung’s eyes went unseeing, a little glossy and stinging him as a rush of air rushed in when the entrance door opened. As much as he had been positive that this was a good idea, that it was safe and healthy, Doyoung was now having doubts and his anxiety was building up quicker than he could ever remember.
It wasn’t that Doyoung did not have faith or positivity regarding this counselling and therapy thing. Doyoung had always believed therapy could solve almost everything. But, what if they went in and explained their story and the therapist said they were simply not good for each other? What if the therapist said that they just don’t work together and should break up and leave each other for good?
Doyoung did not want to hear that ever. Doyoung and Jaehyun loved each other, they truly did. Or else why would they still be trying after years of struggling to fix their marriage? Was it only Doyoung who still loved Jaehyun as much as before despite all of the fighting? No, that couldn’t be. It was unfair to think like that, Jaehyun was the one who had searched for this therapist and booked the appointment for them.
Shaking his head to himself, Doyoung took a few deep breaths quietly and turned to look at Jaehyun sitting beside him. Jaehyun looked older and more tired. Was this because of him? Doyoung thought, probably it was.
Before Doyoung could have any other thought, Jaehyun was looking back at him, his frown deeper after a second. Doyoung noticed Jaehyun’s lips moving, was Jaehyun talking with him? Doyoung couldn’t hear anything other than the loud beats of his heart.
Doyoung blinked, finally getting himself back to reality as he felt a hand on his cheek. “Doyoung, darling.” Jaehyun was calling for him repeatedly, his whole body now turning around to face Doyoung. “You alright?” Jaehyun whispered, making sure to keep the words between them.
God, how could Jaehyun always be so considerate and aware of Doyoung and Doyoung’s mess of mind and feelings?
“Jaehyun,” Doyoung’s sight went blurry as he called Jaehyun’s name, a small sob leaving his lips before Doyoung could keep it in. His chest was heaving, his breaths short and quick and his hands shaking as he reached over to touch Jaehyun anywhere. All Doyoung needed was to feel Jaehyun with him, in his space.
Jaehyun slipped out of his seat, his hands holding Doyoung’s and his thumbs rubbing circles over Doyoung’s knuckles, soothing him as he crouched in front of Doyoung. “Look at me?” Jaehyun said after a second, “Follow my breathing, alright? You can do that, baby, come on, breathe with me.” Jaehyun’s voice was soft and tender and so, so affectionate that Doyoung hated it.
Doyoung hated everything and everyone. Most of all, he hated himself. If he had been a better person, a better husband, they wouldn’t have been on the verge of breaking up almost every week. Why hadn’t he endured and tolerated some things instead of snapping and yelling and fighting with Jaehyun every other night or day?
He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t follow up Jaehyun’s rhythm and the lack of control made Doyoung panic even more. Usually by now he would be breathing better and getting his thoughts back together. Why wasn’t it working? Doyoung could scream, his chest burning and eyes getting heavier.
“Baby, come on.” Jaehyun’s voice was urgent, even Doyoung in his hazy state could notice a foreign body approaching them and Jaehyun getting desperate by the second. Jaehyun’s fingers ran through Doyoung’s hair, pushing it away from his face.
Doyoung wanted to tell Jaehyun that he could hear him and see him but words wouldn’t come out. His throat was dry and Doyoung felt like the moment he closed his mouth, he’d never be able to get one breath into his body.
Slowly, Doyoung forced himself to focus on one thing at a time. Jaehyun was still crouching in front of him, he could see him. Doyoung then felt Jaehyun’s hand in his hair, his thumb rubbing over Doyoung’s forehead gently. His heart beats were getting quieter in his ears and a minute or so later, he could hear Jaehyun’s voice clearer than before.
“Jaehyun,” Doyoung choked as he forced himself to talk, feeling like he’s losing control over his body once again. “Jaehyun, Jaehyun,” he chanted quietly, his hands fumbling up to touch Jaehyun’s face that his eyes were focusing on.
Doyoung felt around Jaehyun’s face briefly before dropping his hands to Jaehyun’s neck and shoulders, gripping him tightly, “Jaehyun,” Doyoung squeezed his eyes shut, the tears that had been stuck on his lashes and the corners of his eyes finally falling off as he gasped, filling his lungs with air that seemed to never find their way before.
“I’m here,” Jaehyun assured him instantly, wiping Doyoung’s cheeks and wrapping his arms around Doyoung’s body as Doyoung threw himself into Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun stumbled slightly at the sudden weight against him but quickly held them both together, standing up with his arms wrapped protectively around Doyoung’s body.
Doyoung could make out Jaehyun’s voice uttering apologies and talking about an other time and expecting a call from him, then another apology. Doyoung couldn’t exactly remember what was happening, all he could be aware of was Jaehyun’s presence with him and that’s all that mattered to him.
Even with his eyes wide open, Doyoung still couldn’t exactly see where he was heading. It was fine, though, Jaehyun was holding him and leading him somewhere then helping him to sit down. He was in the car, Doyoung looked around the seat, blinking quickly as Jaehyun was getting in the driver’s seat and driving them away.
Doyoung wasn’t sure if Jaehyun was driving fast as he usually would, he couldn’t ground himself enough to notice things like that. But Doyoung could feel how Jaehyun’s hand was rubbing slowly and gently over his thigh and how Jaehyun was talking with him in a calm tone and low voice.
Without pushing himself to focus on every little thing and stay completely aware like he usually would be, Doyoung let his head roll back and his eyes fall shut. He grabbed Jaehyun’s hand tightly in his and took a deep yet shaky breath, his whole body shivering from it, before he slipped off to sleep once he was feeling safe with Jaehyun’s hand securely in his.
*
When Doyoung woke up again, it felt like he’d been asleep for a year – maybe two. A minute after sitting up in his bed, Doyoung breathed in and out to fully come back to his senses. If he tried to think harder, he’d know that Jaehyun had definitely carried him inside and tucked him under the covers.
Doyoung walked out of the bedroom carefully, as if the house he was in hasn’t been his for the past few years. He still felt jittery, almost scared of whatever that could come up in front of him. Doyoung pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands, his eyes shaking slightly as he looked out for Jaehyun, afraid to call him for some reason.
After looking around the living room and kitchen and not finding Jaehyun despite seeing his keys and shoes by the door, Doyoung assumed Jaehyun would be in the makeshift office. So, he went there, tip-toeing some steps on the way to make himself even quieter, unaccepting of making any noise to disturb the calmness of the apartment.
Doyoung inhaled deeply as he reached the door, his sweater-covered fist raising up and knocking twice. There was no immediate response or any other sound coming from behind the door and it made Doyoung frown to himself, was Jaehyun ignoring him?
Shaking his head, Doyoung scolded himself for always coming up with the worst assumptions about Jaehyun. It made Doyoung feel so, so guilty in the moment, how he’d always directly thought the worst of Jaehyun. It had gotten them in fights they could’ve avoided before but Doyoung sometimes still allowed his temper to take over his senses.
The worst-case scenario would be that Jaehyun was ignoring him and at the same time, it probably wasn’t that much of a ‘worst’ thing. Doyoung knew for a fact that when Jaehyun was working, he was working . There had been too many times where Jaehyun didn’t hear his phone or chit-chats around him when he would be reading a case or going over laws that he thought could be useful in the situation.
Doyoung reached for the knob of the door and twisted it open, tilting his head to the side with his body still stiff outside as he looked inside. Something squeezed his heart at the sight inside; Jaehyun behind his desk on the rolling chair, his hands locked together on the top of his stomach, his head resting back over the chair with his eyes closed and lips parted.
Jaehyun’s body was limp as he slept probably uncomfortably on the chair. Doyoung left the door open behind him as he walked inside and towards Jaehyun. He sorted out the papers on the desk properly in their places and turned off the laptop after saving Jaehyun’s work.
Doyoung finally turned around to look at Jaehyun. Truthfully, Doyoung wanted to start crying again, but he held himself back from that. Crying at the moment was mostly unnecessary and he knew it’d be useless more than anything else. So, Doyoung only stroked Jaehyun’s hair carefully so as not to wake him up for a second before walking out of the office quietly again.
It was almost lunch time and despite being tired, Doyoung did not want to eat restaurant food at all. He went into the kitchen, rolling the sleeves of his sweater up above his elbow and turning the heater in the apartment two degrees higher. The weather was progressively getting colder and even if they didn’t feel it then, the coldness was there and it was always better to stay warm.
Doyoung looked through the kitchen, thinking of what the easiest thing would be to cook. Fifteen minutes later, frying oil was boiling on the stove and Doyoung carefully fried a bag of chicken nuggets they had stored in the freezer probably for times like these. As he left them to fry, Doyoung quickly made a coleslaw salad, taking the bowl to the dining table and setting it near the middle already.
Another few minutes passed and Doyoung multi-tasked around the kitchen between setting the table and checking on the nuggets until everything was ready. The table was set and the smell was almost gone from the kitchen after Doyoung opened the window just as he started frying. Before going to wake Jaehyun up, Doyoung opened the fridge to check for any juice they had.
There was some orange and carrot juice in the carton and Doyoung poured them in the smaller glasses, realizing they weren’t enough to fill up two big glasses. He placed each glass beside a plate, looking over the kitchen and table one last time to make sure everything was set and then moving to wake Jaehyun up for lunch.
“Jaehyun,” Doyoung’s hand rested on Jaehyun’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing over Jaehyun’s sweater, “Jaehyun,” Doyoung called again, shaking him gently until he finally opened his eyes. Doyoung knew that Jaehyun was still not completely awake even if he were looking at him. He moved his hand up to Jaehyun’s cheek, caressing his skin softly, “Hey, I made something for lunch.”
It took Jaehyun a couple of minutes to sit up on the chair properly and stretch, twisting to crack his back. Doyoung took a step away, waiting patiently for Jaehyun to get up and go to the kitchen. Jaehyun leaned back in his chair again, however, and twirled in it to look up at Doyoung.
Doyoung hated how careful his smile at Jaehyun was, but suddenly when Jaehyun was awake again and looking at him, Doyoung felt like his nerves were malfunctioning and hurting him, messing him up in the head. Still, Doyoung gulped quickly and smiled a little bit wider, holding his hand out for Jaehyun, ignoring the twitch in his fingers and hoping Jaehyun didn’t notice it at all.
Jaehyun took Doyoung’s hand and stood up slowly, “My leg’s asleep, just a second.” Jaehyun muttered, his voice hoarse until he cleared his throat and repeated the last sentence again. Doyoung nodded, his arm wrapping around Jaehyun’s middle as they stood for three, four seconds then started walking slowly to the kitchen.
They sat down in their seats quietly, Jaehyun digging in first after a quick thank you. Doyoung shifted in his seat, squeezing his hands between his thighs and watching Jaehyun already eat his second nugget and then eat a spoonful of the salad he put in his plate.
Doyoung firstly drank a sip of the juice before looking away from Jaehyun, looking around the table. Suddenly, he had no appetite anymore, but his stomach still hurt from hunger and that meant he had to eat whether his appetite was there or not.
All Doyoung could force himself was three nuggets and one coleslaw spoonful. His stomach wasn’t hurting as much anymore, though, and that was something positive, or at least he believed so. Jaehyun had started eating slower, Doyoung noticed as he sat back in his seat again and watched him.
Doyoung’s hands remained on the table, his fingers greasy from the nuggets. When he saw Jaehyun finish the juice, Doyoung placed one of his hands behind his own glass, ready to push it towards Jaehyun, and looked up at Jaehyun’s face, “Do you want some more juice?”
“No, that’s fine. Are you full?” Jaehyun asked, glancing at the last two nuggets in the plate in the middle of the table and then up at Doyoung who nodded. Jaehyun placed one of the nuggets in Doyoung’s plate either way and took a bite of the other one, “You were tired, obviously, why didn’t you order something instead?”
Doyoung’s eyes widened slightly, his mouth forming a quiet ‘oh’ and breathing it out in a quiet voice. Jaehyun was probably still hungry and the food was most likely something he’d eat as an appetizer. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to order anything and I know this isn’t exactly different from whatever we could order,” Doyoung’s voice trailed at the end as he stopped talking eventually, his hands closing in tight fists on the table.
How couldn’t he notice this before? All that he’d thought about was that he was tired but still wanted to make something for him and Jaehyun to eat without ordering from any place they usually order from. He didn’t think of how Jaehyun would not like to have fried nuggets for lunch, like little kids.
“Doyoung,” Jaehyun called with a kind of loud voice and Doyoung felt his legs press together, his pulse quickening in a second, “I enjoyed the food and I’m full, don’t start overthinking things. I can see you panicking already. Breathe.”
Doyoung looked away, down again and nodded subtly, mumbling a quick apology. He was really incompetent, wasn’t he? It wasn’t incompetence, even. Maybe he was just a weak and ineffective guy that couldn’t think beyond the tip of his nose.
“I only meant for you to rest, Doyoung. The last thing I care about now is whether I have nuggets for lunch or a million-dollar steak.” Jaehyun’s voice was stern and Doyoung quickly nodded again, unable to lift his head up and look at Jaehyun.
Jaehyun didn’t move even after a few minutes of silence and of Doyoung keeping his head hung down and clearly avoiding him. He sighed and Doyoung felt the disappointment come out of Jaehyun with his breath and it made him want to run away and never come back.
“Stop treating me like this.” Jaehyun was almost begging at this point, Doyoung found it obvious in his tone, “Why are you scared of me, Doyoung? What did I ever do to you to be acting like this now?” Jaehyun stood up and pushed his chair under the table slowly, “The food was nice and I cherish eating my meals with you no matter what they are. You know that already.”
Jaehyun picked up his plate and glass and took them to the sink, coming back to the table to stack everything else and take them to the sink, “I’ll eat the nugget, but you drink the juice.” Jaehyun tossed the nugget into his mouth and nudged the glass towards Doyoung, walking away to the sink.
Doyoung shakily picked up the glass, controlling his breathing and calming himself down from the panic that was rising in him as he sipped the juice slowly, focusing on the taste to bring himself away from his spiraling thoughts.
In an unconsciously conscious second, Doyoung turned to look at Jaehyun who was washing his hands in the sink, “Jaehyun.” His voice was stable and that was all that Doyoung could wish for in that second. Jaehyun turned to look at him, blindly reaching for the towel to dry his hands as Doyoung continued, “I love you.”
“And I adore you, Doyoung.” Jaehyun did not hesitate one bit before answering. Doyoung didn’t reply anymore after that and Jaehyun placed the towel away, his movements tired and lazy, “I’m going to see if there’s anything to tidy up or clean before your sister comes.”
Right. Doyoung realized he was absolutely unaware of everything in his life as he remembered again how his sister was going to come over and leave her daughter with them for the weekend.
Doyoung’s eyes stung before he blinked rapidly, turning to look away. He stood up and cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the tightness he was feeling as he walked to the sink to also wash his hands and start with the dishes to distract himself.
Honestly, Jaehyun’s instant confession was all that Doyoung needed to feel assured. He wouldn’t lie, it made his heart feel lighter and made him able to breathe better and feel the air in his lungs. Doyoung let himself get carried away just a little bit as he washed the dishes and set them away to dry.
Doyoung dried his hands, taking deep breaths and rubbing his hands over his face as he licked his lips. Everything was fine, he’d talk with Jaehyun later tonight or tomorrow or the day after when his niece would be back with her mom. For now, they had to be fine because his niece was four but she would feel the tension in the air and Doyoung did not want her stay to be uncomfortable.
With long strides, Doyoung went to the living room, Jaehyun placing the last cushion in its place on the couch. He walked to Jaehyun and immediately wrapped his arms around him, curling himself into Jaehyun’s chest. Doyoung felt small and safe whenever Jaehyun would hug him as tight as he was in that moment and he loved it too much.
It was times and acts like these that made Doyoung believe that they were more than fine, that everything was rainbows and glitters exactly how he always dreamed and wanted his life with Jaehyun to be.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, always,” Doyoung couldn’t help but sob into Jaehyun’s chest quietly, squeezing Jaehyun’s body in his arms.
Jaehyun hugged him closely and kissed the top of his head, a small sigh leaving his lips as he rested his chin on the top of Doyoung’s head, “We will be okay, Doyoung. We will be okay, I promise. We love each other, we will find a way. Think of how this month we only fought three times when usually we would fight three times in a week. It’s already the 20 th , we will be fine. Let’s not give up on each other, alright? I’m sure therapy would help us so much.”
Doyoung wanted to tell Jaehyun everything at that second, but he couldn’t. He needed time and he knew he’d spend half of the time crying and unable to breathe properly. Doyoung needed a day and a night to fully come to the acceptance of telling Jaehyun about everything.
He had faith that Jaehyun wouldn’t be against anything, maybe he’d be shocked and upset at the fact that Doyoung had hid something like that for a month, but he’d be accepting. Doyoung shook his head to himself slightly, there he was making assumptions again . It was something he had to keep pulling himself away from.
“We just need time,” Doyoung assured Jaehyun – and himself – “Let’s try our best from today, from now, not to fight over silly things.” Jaehyun nodded, his hand moving down to rub over Doyoung’s back soothingly.
Before they could do anything else or talk more, the doorbell was ringing loudly. Jaehyun and Doyoung chuckled when they heard the bell ring again, this time in a melody of some sort, definitely Doyoung’s niece pressing on the button constantly.
As Jaehyun moved away to open the door, Doyoung sniffled quietly and wiped over his face, fanning himself for a second before following behind Jaehyun. They heard their names shouted loudly and a small body hugging their legs.
Doyoung laughed, patting his niece’s hair while Jaehyun greeted his sister. Doyoung greeted her as well, glancing back when Jaehyun lifted the little girl up and walked inside, already starting up a conversation. Doyoung talked with his sister for a couple of minutes before assuring her that they’d take good care of little Sumin.
After his sister left, Doyoung closed the front door and took Sumin’s bag to his and Jaehyun’s room. They would fix a little futon for her a little later to sleep on at night, but for now, he could hear her voice getting louder as she told Jaehyun about her nursery class.
Doyoung smiled to himself as he passed by them in the living room, feeling at ease as he moved around with their voices surrounding him. Not to keep going back and forth, Doyoung pulled out the biggest tray they had and stacked snacks and whatever fruits they had and went to the living room refusing to be anything less than very enthusiastic, “Beep beep, delivery coming through please make room!”
They had a wonderful time. All three of them always had a wonderful time whenever they’d meetup. Jaehyun was amazing with kids, patient and playful and understanding. Doyoung was fun to be with, too, but he’d always been the one to nag about eating an extra fruit instead of a chocolate bar and to wear one layer thicker not to catch a cold.
To put it as simple as it could be, Jaehyun and Doyoung spent two days and one night with nothing other than happiness and peace. There had been things they usually would fight about, but for some reason, they ignored it and moved on without any comment.
For example, if Jaehyun ever went to sleep without turning off the lights, Doyoung would nag more than he should about it. He’d talk and talk about it until Jaehyun would snap and get mad and either turn away and leave with a slam of the door or find something Doyoung had done and start another fight.
Doyoung tucked Sumin in and got in bed himself, lying down to rest from the intensity of the day, and Jaehyun laid beside him soon after he showered without turning off the lights. Doyoung was picky about the smallest things like these but when he turned to look at Jaehyun – maybe to tell him to get up and turn off the lights – he saw Jaehyun looking at Sumin sleeping with indescribable softness in his eyes.
Jaehyun’s image made Doyoung stay quiet instead of snapping at him. Doyoung went back to practicing his control again and thought about just how deep it was really, to get mad about a light not turned off.
Logically, Doyoung was sure Jaehyun didn’t do that just to make Doyoung mad. Jaehyun looked tired and it was probably why he missed doing something as simple as that. Doyoung was exhausted most nights after work and he’d forget something as simple as taking off his necklace before sleeping. This was just the same, Doyoung reasoned with himself. There was no need to fight over it.
Doyoung looked around, taking the room in again as if it were his first time. It was safe and secure and when he looked at Jaehyun again, he felt his safety break with something of a personal fright. Jaehyun was overwhelmingly amazing in his eyes, no matter whatever he’d yell at his angry moments, and it made him scared.
Jaehyun seemed to notice the lights still on. Doyoung noticed as Jaehyun pressed his lips in a thin line and closed his eyes before turning to face Doyoung.
Things like that – walking on eggshells around each other, annoyance about possibilities that could happen after any of them had done something, loving each other uncomfortably and with fear of things that were easily avoided if they just sat and communicated properly – made Doyoung want to give up everything and start another life with things solved.
Jaehyun pushed the covers off himself, sitting up and ready to go and turn off the lights when Doyoung pulled him back into bed. Doyoung covered Jaehyun again, but instantly pulled his hands away and cleared his throat, feeling his blush over his skin.
He was not shy or embarrassed. Doyoung had touched Jaehyun more than anyone else and like no one else had. They’d been married for a while and lovers for longer, they were past being shy of touching.
Doyoung, however, was more nervous than he’d ever been before. He wanted to wait one or two more nights before telling Jaehyun, but for some reason, it felt right to just spill everything right then and there.
Maybe it was because he knew they were both feeling light and relaxed more than they usually would be. Jaehyun was still fond and content after playing with Sumin and taking care of her and Doyoung always found happiness in kids and felt his worries go away with how pure and precious kids were, especially Sumin.
She had found her way into their hearts and lives so effortlessly and Doyoung found it absolutely marvelous how much Jaehyun loved her. Like she was his own daughter and he had to give her everything he had and treat her better than she’d ever be treated. It was precious and Doyoung treasured images like that in his mind.
Doyoung turned to look at Jaehyun after zoning out as he watched Sumin sleep, finding Jaehyun’s eyes already on him. Jaehyun’s features were soft and relaxed, his eyes a little droopy but filled with innocent emotions which made Doyoung start to hate himself with how much he’d picked up useless fights with him and made him mad.
“Jaehyun,” Doyoung whispered, his eyes still not completely focused, a little cloudy from zoning out continuously for the past minute or so, “Jaehyun, I have paranoid personality disorder and first stages of separation anxiety.”
Doyoung completely snapped out of his haze when he felt Jaehyun spring up quickly, whisper-yelling, “Doyoung, what? What is that? Who told you that?”
“I went to a therapist a little over a month ago,” Doyoung turned to face Jaehyun, getting on his knees on the mattress with his hands over his thighs, “I wanted to see if I could treat my anxiety because I thought it could help us to fight lesser, but after two sessions, the therapist diagnosed me.”
Jaehyun’s eyes were filled with an unexplainable emotion while Doyoung talked, different from the emotions that Doyoung had easily pointed out to himself earlier. Jaehyun shook his head slightly, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Doyoung, what does that mean?”
“It means that I’m always suspicious of others and don’t trust anyone because I believe they have bad intentions against me and want to hurt me or harm me or–” Doyoung waved his hands in front of him as he talked, panting as he tried to continue talking.
Jaehyun was up on his feet way too fast for Doyoung’s ability to comprehend what was happening. Jaehyun grabbed his arm firmly but gentle enough not to hurt him and guided them both out of the bedroom and to the living room, turning on the lights on their way.
“Slowly, Doyoung. Explain to me slowly because this is something that you shouldn’t have kept from me for over a fucking month.” Jaehyun sat Doyoung down on the couch and pulled the wooden coffee table closer, sitting down on it then looking at Doyoung.
Doyoung nodded, he had to do it. He had to tell Jaehyun and explain as much as he could and even if Jaehyun decided he didn’t want Doyoung anymore – no, Doyoung slapped his cheeks twice and shook his head, he shouldn’t make assumptions.
His leg was bouncing up and down as Doyoung strained himself to keep eye contact with Jaehyun as he talked, “Even with no signs of bad intentions, I always seem to believe that everyone would hurt me and threaten or dare me about things. That’s why I always try to,” Doyoung gulped, panic rising in him as he felt himself starting to forget words, “to be above you?” Doyoung shook his head, “Not above you, just–”
“So whenever I comment about something or try to get you to do something, you always believe I’m trying to hurt you and belittle you?” Jaehyun tried to explain by himself, his voice sounding as confused as his face looked.
Doyoung nodded, his hands fisting his sweatpants, “Yeah, I just somehow think like that and there’s so many voices that make me believe it. That’s why I always argue and fight over everything, I feel like I’m protecting myself but I haven’t noticed just how much it has been harmful for the both of us, separately and together, until I got diagnosed. I always thought to be right because I was always fighting to protect myself.”
Jaehyun stayed quiet, his hand in his hair as he hung his head down and rested his elbow on his knee. Doyoung gulped thickly, almost choking on his spit as his eyes burned with tears, his lips quivering. He wanted to beg for Jaehyun’s reassurance, but words wouldn’t come out and Doyoung felt as frustrated as ever.
“And your separation anxiety came from that?” Jaehyun looked up at him, his voice shaky, “You think I’m going to hurt you and leave?”
Doyoung stared at Jaehyun for a second then nodded, a sob leaving his lips at the movement as he squeezed his eyes shut, “I’m so scared of you leaving me, I’m so scared.” Doyoung covered his face, his strong character demeanor breaking as he sobbed into his hands, “I’m always so scared.” Doyoung whispered, curling down over his thighs, “You’re brilliant and I love you but I’m scared.”
Jaehyun lightly patted over Doyoung’s hair, Doyoung feeling Jaehyun slide closer into his space, “But why? What have I done for you to think like that about me?” Jaehyun sounded sad and disappointed and it hurt Doyoung too much to think about how he was the reason for that.
“Nothing,” Doyoung sniffled, rubbing his hands harshly over his face to wipe away the tears even though there were many others still rolling down his skin, “It wasn’t you. It’s just me and my insecurities. I feel so guilty, too, because I put you through everything.”
“The blame isn’t all on you, Doyoung. Our fights and relationship problems are because of the both of us.”
“I know! I know, it’s just… it feels so much worse because whenever I look back over everything, I’m the one who starts our fights ninety percent of the time.” Doyoung pushed his hands up into his hair, gripping it for a second and then quickly letting go when he felt the pain in his scalp, “Jaehyun, I deluded myself into believing that you purposely leave the lights on to annoy me. I still think like that and I can’t help but pick up a fight because I think that you – you hate me and want me gone.”
Jaehyun was speechless, sitting without any movement and almost barely breathing in front of Doyoung. When his therapist told him to sit and talk it out with Jaehyun weeks ago, that it would make him feel better and help with his recovery, he said that it would be impossible because Jaehyun leaving him would not make anything better.
But now, after telling Jaehyun just that. After coming clean with Jaehyun for ten minutes, his heart felt lighter and he felt like it’d be easier to sit with his back straight. Has it really always been this easy? Would he have been better if he hadn’t coped with his thoughts like he’d done? They would have been living happily if he’d just been better and wiser, wouldn’t they?
“Doyoung,” Jaehyun called his name, “Don’t zone out now, stay with me.” Doyoung nodded, looking at Jaehyun.
“Yes, I’m sorry, I’m here.” Doyoung wiped over his mouth with the back of his hand, a small laugh leaving his lips, “You know, a better part of the second session, I was only talking about you and the therapist said that you’re a great listener and would understand me when I explain and I hate it so much that I’ve been walking the rough road instead of acting wiser.”
Jaehyun gave him a small, sad smile, holding his hands out for Doyoung. Doyoung didn’t miss a second before pushing his hands into Jaehyun’s, laughing with tears rolling down his cheeks, “I feel better that I’ve told you but I feel everything overwhelming me again and I can already name three assumptions I’m having about what you’re going to do to me, but I’m trying really hard not to think of them.”
“Hug you and stroke your hair and get you to sleep?” Jaehyun instantly talked over Doyoung’s last word, obviously trying his best to distract Doyoung and help him stay away from all of his negative thoughts, “No other assumptions allowed right now. It’s late and we are both tired and need to sleep, yeah?”
“Shouldn’t we talk more about this?” Doyoung squeezed Jaehyun’s hands, his eyes wide as he watched Jaehyun get up.
With a shake of his head, Jaehyun pulled Doyoung up with him, “First of all, it’s late and you’re draining yourself right now. Second, I think it would be better if tomorrow we go to the therapist together and have him put us together and see what he has to say. If we get too lost in this now, we could go places that are more harmful than we think."
"I hate you for being calm and thinking straight. You should be, I don’t know, yelling at me for hiding it from you for a while and accusing me of things.” Doyoung muttered, tugging Jaehyun’s hand towards himself.
Jaehyun looked at him with disbelief before chuckling and shaking his head. Doyoung wanted to comment about how clear it was that Jaehyun was upset and hurt, but he stayed quiet, for once understanding that Jaehyun wanted to avoid any word that could lead them to fight.
“If it helps, I also have a lead for the session tomorrow about myself,” Jaehyun turned his body to face Doyoung properly, “Maybe you always think like that because I never explain myself. Just like what happened at lunch yesterday. Instead of saying that you could have rested and ordered food, I directly asked why you didn’t order instead of cooking. Which now thinking back to it, it probably came too harsh on you.”
Doyoung nodded, his other hand reaching up to wrap around Jaehyun’s forearm, “I felt,” Doyoung shifted his eyes away briefly then breathed out a shaky exhale, “I felt so bad and guilty, but now I feel like I would have felt less terrible if you reasoned first.”
“See, we both have things to fix. You need reasons and basis that I don’t give, this is on me. We will go over all of that with our therapist tomorrow.” Jaehyun lifted his arm up and wrapped it around Doyoung’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest, “We will be okay, darling, I promise.”
*
After they talked it out that night, their problems definitely weren’t solved on their own. Jaehyun and Doyoung had been going to therapy once every ten days for the past year and a half, never skipping any session and Doyoung was feeling better than he could remember ever feeling.
It had been tough the first couple of months, both of them confessing things that made the other mad or upset or trying methods that didn’t work the way the therapist had promised they would. They needed reassurance that not everything would work, but something eventually would.
For instance, their therapist had told them to try and find common hobbies to do together and get closer. It wasn’t that they were polar opposites, just something close to that. So, they’d spent a better part of an hour quarrelling – peacefully – about what to do and rejecting each other’s ideas before finally deciding to watch a soccer match together.
Doyoung had sat bored for a few minutes before Jaehyun had told him to try and enjoy. Doyoung had chosen a team and after a snicker and sneer from Jaehyun, he got riled up and started excessively cheering the team he had chosen. That annoyed Jaehyun because Doyoung had chosen the opposite team and they ended up in another fight after the match.
Jaehyun pointed out that their therapist wanted to laugh at them when they went on a rant about how disastrous the idea was and how they were in a fight and spent the night with their backs towards each other.
Doyoung giggled at that and nodded, “Jaehyun, he probably thinks we are stupid.”
Jaehyun didn’t reply but he gave Doyoung a kiss out of nowhere and Doyoung felt amused. He loved him.
After three failed tries, Doyoung found out that they had very different interests. They didn’t give up, though, and eventually, in the span of two weeks, they realized that they had more common hobbies and interests than they’d thought. All they had needed was to give themselves a chance and to communicate with each other.
They had gone on a morning hike together and while Jaehyun was all about appreciating nature quietly, Doyoung had done that but was also snapping pictures every four-five meters of them together and alone.
When they decided to go to the gym, Doyoung was sure he would give up five minutes later as he kept insisting that he was not made for building muscles and working out. After they were in, though, Doyoung saw a dance class being taught and shooed Jaehyun away towards whatever machines Jaehyun wanted to use while he went to the dance instructor and asked to sign up.
Briefly, a year and a half was a long time but both Jaehyun and Doyoung had agreed to give themselves all the time they needed to get better. Therapy truly was what they’d needed but Doyoung believed that even if therapy was extremely helpful, their determination was their biggest factor that helped them get better. They had to give themselves some credit.
After their therapy sessions ended, they had naturally improved without the need to depend on someone to help them. They found ways to go around their problems and solve them without the urge to fight and argue.
Eventually, Doyoung got better as well. He attended a few solo sessions and he was infinitely delighted when the therapist assured him that he was much better and would not need more than a session every month. He had to keep himself in check and report back whenever he would feel like things were going back to the way they had been before, but he vowed to himself to stay on the right track and keep moving forward.
The funny thing was that Jaehyun probably suggested it as a joke, but Doyoung took it seriously and now they were out in the mall, on a date to celebrate their fourth-month anniversary of successfully finishing their therapy sessions.
Doyoung tucked his hand in Jaehyun’s elbow, walking slowly and looking around the shops. Jaehyun was carrying the bags of the shirts Doyoung had bought, swinging them back and forth slightly.
They moved from the first floor to the second one and after passing a couple of stores, Doyoung abruptly stopped in front of one, turning around to face its entrance. Jaehyun was momentarily confused, looking back and forth between Doyoung and the store.
Doyoung looked back at Jaehyun after a few seconds, glancing back at the store before tightening his hand on Jaehyun’s elbow. He was nervous and for a very quick second, insecurities and horrible thoughts rushed into his mind before he shook them away.
Jaehyun looked like he knew exactly what was going on in Doyoung’s mind and his features were melting into something that Doyoung thought could be a mix of happy tears and affection and a sprinkle of an indirect, forever promise.
Why were they both getting emotional standing in front of a kids’ clothes and toys store?
Doyoung could feel a tear in the corner of his eye and Jaehyun also looked on the verge of crying – it was silly, kind of. Doyoung tugged Jaehyun away before they actually started crying in public, stumbling into Jaehyun’s side purposely, giggling quietly when Jaehyun laughed and wrapped his arm around Doyoung’s middle.
“So,” Doyoung nudged his temple against Jaehyun’s cheek as they walked, “Have you ever thought about having kids?”