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The wind whooshed through Daze’s hair; the warm breeze calmed him. His unusually long uncut hair flowed behind him. His gaze was on the warm blue water, and his eyes felt heavy with exhaustion. He yawned, tapping the wood path that kept him above the water. The repetitive motion made him forget, forget about the pain and the confusion. Only for a moment. It was always temporary. He had learned that he liked repetitive things. They were something to lean on, something that would always be there.
It felt nice.
Suddenly, Daze felt a slight prick. He looked down at his hand, and to no one's surprise, he had a splinter. He couldn’t even tap anymore. Daze sighed. “God really wants me to think, don’t they?” He grumbled, looking at his reflection in the water. The boy's face was distorted in the waves. But for a moment, there was a reflection of green in the water. Daze stared at himself, mainly on his face. His head clouded with self-loathing and hatred. He started to tap with his other hand. But he stopped. He stared at himself. “I need to go home.” But where is that? A voice said in his head. With MC? With Dad? With… Tsuki...? With Void and Alex? Where did I belong!? Who even am I?! Daze bit his bottom lip till it bled and started to tap faster.
But it didn’t help. His coping mechanism never works.
He was only pretending it did. It was always temporary.
Daze frowned. He looked at his hand again, a wooden splinter dug into his finger causing him mild pain. He pulled it out with ease and stood up. He began to walk to Ori’s house. He didn’t know what to feel. His mind was clouded with everything. But more importantly, he was just tired. Like really, really tired. And as a result of that, Daze fell asleep right outside of Ori’s house, making it only to the door before passing out.
The warm wind was gone. And he was back on the island. He was on the island, as Daze . He knew this was a dream, or perhaps a nightmare, but it didn’t make it any less scary. Being found out was basically death for his kind. To think that he used to impersonate and lie for fun. It was fun. But it also felt horrible. Just like all the other times. When he had no name, it wasn’t confusing. But now he doesn’t know who he was.
Was he Daze? DD? Dazary? Fern? Delusion? All these made-up identities confused him. Because the people he was faking with, he cared about them. Even if he denied it, he loved them. But he knew they didn’t love him back. They loved the person he was pretending to be. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. Everytime. But he guessed he did this to himself. Impersonating someone was wrong. But he did it anyway. But he didn’t think that he would feel guilty again. He thought that he’d learned his lesson. It was his only rule when pretending to be someone else. Don’t get attached. And don’t let them get attached. But he breaks it every time. And now everything is confusing. I don't know who I am anymore, and it's my fault! It's all my fault.
“What if you were me?”
Daze looked up and saw… Fern. The green-eyed version of him smiled. Daze looked confused. It was obvious it was a dream. Perhaps a nightmare. But he couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of Fern not being him. He gawked, eyes widening as he looked at Fern. He chuckled. “Hi, Daze.” His copycat said, pausing. “I’m Fern.” He said, seemingly to spite Daze. The things behind both of them began to blur.
Fern had the same voice as him, the same hair, the same skin color, the same fucking eyes (aside from the color) … but still, he wasn’t Daze . And Daze would never be him. No no stop it this is just a dream- Daze shook his head, trying to make the bad thoughts go away.
That realization was so jarring, that Daze didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to even remember realizing it. He felt like throwing up and dying .
Fern snickered, a wild look in his eyes and started to wipe away the makeup on the side of his face. Daze shrieked, grabbing Fern's hand to stop him. To be found out, is to die. To be found out is to lose. But He only smiled. Daze frowned and for a moment, and Daze’s grip on his copycat’s wrist weakened. Wasn’t he just a cheap copy of Fern? Wasn’t he?!
Fern took that chance to wipe the makeup off. Daze’s eyes widened. There… there was nothing under the makeup. “What if you could wash it and nothing would be under it?” Fern said, pointing to his face. He looked amused. His… face. It didn’t have the void-colored scar on it… it was perfect. Why couldn’t he be perfect !?
Why can’t I be like him!? A flash of pained jealousy flashed across Daze’s face. But it washed away with a look of hollow sadness and pain. Fern chuckled his own cold green eyes full of sadistic satisfaction. “What if you could run your fingers through your hair and not feel your horns?” He asked, tapping the place on his head where his horns would have been. Daze shuddered; eyes blown wide. He held up a hand to feel his own horns. They were there. Short, and jagged, but they were there. He remembered when he put them off in order to pretend to be Fern.
To be human.
To be normal.
But they would always grow back .
“What if you could be normal? Be human?! Keep wishing, because you’ll never be me!” Fern laughed. Daze’s green-eyed counterpart was right. He would never be normal. Daze could feel his eyes water. Why was Fern doing this to him? Why was he doing this to him? No no, he's not Fern! He'll never be him. He chuckled, feeling his mind on the edge of hysteria.
"What if… they could love you, for you?”
That hit, like a fucking bus.
Daze looked up, a pained expression spreading across his face, the words echoing in his mind. Something in him just… broke . Broke into millions of pieces. They repeated, and repeated… and didn’t stop. They were so loud. The sounds of his own guilt consumed him until he couldn't see anymore. They were right.
They were all fucking right .
The nightmare only got worse. He could hear everyone calling his name. Or names. Everything was confusing. He could see the silhouettes of the people calling him. He just wanted it to stop. For it all to stop.
Please, make it stop.
“Daze! Please, wake up!”
“Fern! You have to wake up!”
“You fucking disgusting monster! Wake the fuck up already!”
“Dazary, don’t be difficult. Wake up.”
“DD! Wake up!”
The voices of all the people he tricked.
All because he wanted to save his own life.
So he could finally be happy.
A guilty symphony played as he thrashed.
How selfish of him.
“How selfish of me.”
He woke up in his bed, clawing at his bedsheets.
He cried, the dark purple liquid stinging his face.
For a very, very long time .