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“cause you and i will be like a couple of cosmonauts. except with way more gravity than when we started off,” — fiona apple
i wonder if could cut my fat off with scissors.
i take the pair of hello kitty scissors, lace them in my fingers. snip, snip, snip. it wouldn’t be bloody, like you might expect. it would be like cutting paper.
i glance away from the desk, focus my attention on something else. the computer, and the never-ending blackness on the monitor. usually, or rather— back then, it would have been turned on, with colors dancing around the screen and avatars moving about.
i don’t understand any of it. after all, it’s yoosung that indulges in all of those things. he used to, anyway. he focuses on school these days, especially with me around. he likes to say how much i changed his life, changed his motivations— or lack thereof.
little did he know how much he did for me.
a warm, bright man. yes, because he is a man. he was ever since he showed his devotion to me through getting his eye injured. he was a man ever since he proclaimed his love to me. he was a man… is.
deep violet eyes stare at me with so much love, i wonder if it’s true sometimes. it has to be, though, because i can see through the way his hands intertwine with mine, and the way he presses his soft lips against my rough ones.
by god, he is beautiful.
why would he end up with a nobody like me? ungraceful in her movements, clumsy in her gestures. a big body that takes up space, with peeling hands that are dry yet always seem to get clammy when yoosung is around.
“____?“
speak of the devil, or angel, as seven once said to me.
i stand up from the bed, which creaks under the loss of my pressure. “hey,” i softly croak out, my voice hoarse from the lack of usage. he walks over to me, pulling me into a hug and kisses my cheek, then my lips.
“i missed you so much,”
“i missed you way more,” i mutter, taking in the presence of him. him, him, him. only him. forever, my sunshine.
my brain sap quickly disappears when yoosung looks at me with a puzzled expression.
“why are the kitchen scissors on the desk?”
“uh…” i pause. “couldn’t find the regular ones,”
“oh, they’re in the closet! are you doing a project or something?”
“no, just uh… admiring the scissors,”
yoosung looks even more puzzled.
“never—“ i pause again, swallowing the spit building up in my mouth. “nevermind. just.. just joking,”
yoosung let out a dry laugh, but quickly followed that with silence. “are you okay, ___? you’ve been all… standoffish today. everything alright?”
i hesitate. obviously, i wear my feelings on my sleeve. i cant pretend for the life of me. “sorry. i’m just, uh, on my period,”
yoosung’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “what? really? do you want me to get you anything? i heard that this happens before, but i—“
“hey,” i interrupt him. “i’m fine. just cramps, and some moodiness,”
yoosung frowns, kissing the temple of my head. “i’m here for you, ____. you don’t have to suffer alone,”
it was sweet, but i couldn’t help but laugh. “you really are the best,” i said with finality, pulling away from his embrace. “let me make you something to eat, you’ve worked so hard today.”
yoosung beamed, a faint blush at his cheeks as i complimented him. he’s adorable. “okay! i’ll help you!”
even when school exhausted him, he was still insistent on helping me. i smiled at the sweet thing in front of me, and nodded. “fine with me,”
after cooking, we sat at the table, food placed in front of us. ramen, not surprisingly. what can i say? it’s easy to make, and to spice it up we added a few eggs and ham. it was a short process, but anytime with yoosung is good time.
despite this, i stare at my food and pick around at it. we made it together, full of love, and yet…
“____? what’s wrong?”
my eyes snap up, caught off guard by the sudden use of my name. “er… just not hungry, i guess.” i mumble out.
yoosung frowned. “really? but you texted me earlier that you haven’t eaten all day,”
damn it. i did text him that. as my brain fog rushes over me again, i suddenly speak without thinking.
“yoosung, do you think i’m ugly?”
i regret the words as soon as they come out. i know what the answer is going to be, and yet i dread it all the same. rather, i dread the conversation that will follow.
yoosung’s eyebrows furrow, as if he chewed something sour. “of course not! you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve laid my eyes on. ___, what… what brings this up?” he looks hurt, like a puppy who just got kicked.
i glance away, unable to find my footing in this conversation. “dunno. it’s nothing, anyway—“
“i’m not letting this go,” yoosung suddenly said, looking more serious this time. “what’s wrong? seriously, you can tell me anything, ___. you know that,”
i blink, tears beginning to well in my eyes. i’m not sure why, since i was fine just a moment ago. yet…
“i feel disgusting. i’m so… fat. i’m hideous, aren’t i? just pounds of flesh wobbling around. it must be gross to look at me, right? i… maybe you should find someone else—“ before i found finish, yoosung stands up, spilling some of the broth on the table.
“____. don’t say that. don’t ever say that,” yoosung said, his face full of complicated emotions that i can’t even begin to comprehend.
he walks over, pulling me out of my chair with strength i didn’t even know he had. he hugs me so tightly, it hurts a little. but i don’t care. i can’t fight the tears any longer, and i begin to sob on his shoulder.
he runs a hand through my hair, his movements ever so gentle. “my precious girl…you’re everything to me. you saved my life, so why i would ever care about how you look? it’s the inside that matters the most to me.”
i sniffle, the words stuck in my throat as he continues.
“but you’re beautiful. when i first laid my eyes on you, my jaw almost dropped. i can’t even begin to describe the love i have towards you, for every aspect of you. your body, your mind, your heart… everything. ___, everything about you is wonderful. i wish you can see that too,”
he kisses my lips for just a moment, and pulls away with a soft expression on his face. he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, as tears continue to slip down my cheeks.
i stare at him, my eyes wide with pure love. he means it, of course he does. he would never say something he doesn’t truly believe. i grab his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss once again. i don’t know what to say, so a kiss will be my words.
yoosung wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. once we pull away, he smiles. “you mean so much to me, ___. i’ll tell you everyday how beautiful you are, so one day you could believe it yourself.”
i smile, a genuine smile. i let out a laugh, wiping my tears away. “maybe you shouldn’t do that, i don’t want my ego to get big like zen’s,”
yoosung laughed too. “i definitely wouldn’t mind. you deserve all the praise!” he hummed.
“you are so damn perfect, yoosung. i love you.”
“i love you more, ___.”
“okay, let’s not start. we’ll be here all day!” i said with a laugh, as yoosung begins to pepper kisses across my face, which makes me laugh even more.
he’s perfect.
my sunshine, my world.
i love you.